Loneliness, Vulnerability and Facing Challenges 

The thing is I am lonely and I crave friendships and a deep human connection but when I go out and talk to people I get tired quickly and realise how demanding people are and the façade that I have to put on is very exhausting. So I am back to being lonely again. I know exactly how you feel. It is a viscous circle, the snake swallowing his own tail.

Hey Brother. Just wanted to pop by and say I stumbled upon your channel with your first video "Being Lonely In Your 30s", and say that as a 32-year old man with seemingly increasing social anxiety since I was mid-20s and getting out of the 'Party Phase', you've hit the nail on the head for how I feel all the time. Really have nothing to say other than thank you for your perspective, and you're not alone. I'm so unbelievably lucky to say I got married a month ago, to the girl of my dreams. And she has been a huge help in not being lonely. But as far as friends go, I've lost them all. I've got a couple guys I went to school with who I consider good friends, but we've all got our own lives/families/jobs/etc. It's fucking hard being an adult. A couple people that I would have considered 'best friends' didn't even come to my wedding. Or at the very least, let me know they couldn't come. It's hard. It's really fucking hard. But you're not alone. And you putting out content like this helps the HUGE MAJORITY of us that feel the same way. I wish you the best in your journey to find happiness.

I can relate to a lot of the things you say and it's not something I have ever spoken about so I suppose have never really dealt with, it's just a weight I carry around on my shoulders and ignore. It's never occurred to me that it is something I should really be dealing with and how unhealthy it is for my mental state.

When I was doing my masters I camer across 2-3 groups that were cool to hang out with but at some point I would feel left out even though were nice people. After some time I realized the problem wasn't with me or them but they were just different. Instead of pushing myself I would go out with them at times but apart from that I just focused on my studies. I would suggest not pushing yourself so hard and focusing on your job. And maybe finding another place to socialize

I’ve been in your position. I’m struggling my way through it. Look into CBT and DBT. Especially considering your issues seem to stem from emotional disregulation and poor self image. I understand the social side too. You are good socially, but your image of yourself tends to masking and chameleon like behavior. People tend to pick up on this and unless you portray some personal strength, however your self image is letting you down. I hear a lot of me in your video, and want to let you know there’s many of us out there. That doesn’t help you here and now. Look into traits of BPD and methods for dealing with those issues, this is what’s helping me ATM. It’s not enough and I still have a lot of stuff to unpack. I am at least starting to get a hold on my emotions. Then I can work on getting the rest of my crap together.

Hey man. Is it possible to talk directly with you?

Idk if it makes sense but sometimes I go out with my best friends and get depressed afterwards because it was the best time I’ve had in a while and they are having that all the time and it doesn’t make sense why I can’t muster up the energy to create myself a similar circle

Wow - this is like a free therapy session from my very expensive psych. As someone with avoidant tendencies - I can relate strongly to a lot of this.

go travelling for some months and leave ur comfort zone. you gonna meet so many new good ppl in the hostel. helped me heaps to change my social life and I grew self confidence. don't put too much pressure on u

Why are you being so needy, you are focusing way too much on the need for other people to make you happy. Consider this, you put up a front to people, so you internally think they are doing the same to you. Seriously, stop caring so much, your needy behaviour puts people off. I know this isn't the good happy comment people like to leave to make you 'feel' better but is simply this, you are over analysing everything, live your life, expect there to be up's and down's, accept you don't get to control everything and others. Have a long term objective and each day make sure you do something towards that objective. Once you focus on a long term goal, your neediness will disappear.

Friends are overated, try do something as a career that actually matters and makes a difference in the long run, something essenrial for society to keep functioning . Not marketing or some crap. I spent my mid-late 20s building an business that generates mostly passive income, it was all i was focused on, im now in my 30s and ive realised theres alot more to life but struggling to find purpose

What helped me a lot was the advice of my therapist. Anxiety is made for live threatening situations. In social situations you are most likely not really in danger. So the anxiety is disproportional. 'What's the worst thing that could happen?' Every answer i could give he answered with 'so what'?". The situation makes you uncomfortable, that's it. Sadly the symptoms of social anxiety makes it more likely that you 'fail'. But what you did is the only way. Confrontation and biting through. I started a new job last year. My colleagues in my age are very different to me. Very big football fans, party animals. People i would never hang out with. Surprisingly they like me lot and it's fun spending time with them. But ... they have their own lifes and i hang aroung with them about 2-3 times a year in my free time. My state is: I mostly overcame social anxiety but stil lonely. Sometimes i drive to big cities for no reason and hope that there would be a situations to speak to people. I ended up with talking to a lot of homeless people and drug addicts :D

I'm not completely out of this quest to get out of loneliness personally but I've found a book that greatly helped: - The anatomy of loneliness by Teal Swan It explains that we feel lonely for 3 main reasons: 1- Shame: If we feel shame about who we are and where we are in life (compared to where we "should" be or who we "should" be), so we isolate because what we see through other people's eyes is the reflection of us. So when we think they're judging us, it's in fact the mirror of our own self-judgment that we can't stand, and we withdraw because of it. 2- Separation: If we have been separated from a loved one, or from a life situation or community (like college, a neighborhood, a family) that felt really connected, we may experience loneliness too because we unconsciously fear living the same pain again if we connect with another person or group of people (even worse if our last relationships involved any sort of betrayal or abandonment.) And we also fear "showing the wounds and scars" we felt if we ever connect with a new person, because connection always involves being vulnerable and letting others "get in to see who we are" to some extent. 3- Fear: This one is pretty simple to explain, anxiety in general causes isolation because it is the traditional fight or flight mode: I'm scared, which means there is danger somewhere, so better not make a move to avoid getting killed... Overall, we feel lonely because a "part" of us has been disconnected, either by the separation we felt with a part of our life, a past relationship, or because our current life doesn't fit the model of what we wish we could have become at this point, or disconnected because someone or something hurt us and we can't forgive it yet (or at least we think we can't). This disconnection causes pain and makes it difficult to stay with ourselves without distractions like video games, junk food, obsessive work, or social media. For me, the solution has translated into stopping to try to be the perfect image of the guy with a perfect life I saw on social media (deleted everything around there by the way), and I really dig with a professional therapist into all the reasons why I felt like a failure (the list was long) Today, I feel less alone, it's not great yet, but at least I'm not afraid to go up to people anymore, even if I know true connections are still hard to find, but I don't feel any shame or embarassment anymore in talking about my life, projects, or past "failures". Ultimately, I think the last piece for me is to dive more deeply into the career that really feels fulfilling to me, and stop choosing options "only to make money", that's where my instincts are driving me right now. Again, it's not completely solved yet, but I feel better than 2 years ago for sure.

Hi Jay. I'm ready glad that you are able to share your angst with us. Rejection is big in sales and a regular occurrence. When I was 20 , I felt anxious and had so self esteem. Someone much older challenged me to ask out 20 girls and see how many rejected me. I had to ask 3 a day for a week. 17 rejected me on the spot and then the last 3 said yes. What I learned from this is that the girls had to take part in this process as well and that some of them would feel bad for rejecting me. 30 years later, I feel anxious when I go to work. I start later than everyone else so when I walk in the office, everyone looks up. I make sure that when I walk through that door I have a smile on my face. You don't mention women so I don't know if that is a problem for you. You look like Ryan Gosling, you are well spoken and coherent, you WILL go a long way. Not caring what other people think is a big part of not taking yourself too seriously. Go into the office with a smile on your face. Make a commitment so that you have to go in and not work from home. Rejection is about how other people feel about themselves, not about how they feel about you. So the more rejection the better! Expect to be rejected, but not because you are unworthy, but because other people struggle with stuff as well for a million different reasons. You are very self aware and self critical. No one judges you any harshly than yourself. I hope these videos help you and you sharing this on RU-vid will help others in their own personal battles. Good luck to you

Please keep sharing with that much sincerity, this really helps just not feeling alone as going through this as a man

I watched the first video you posted and the most recent one you recently posted, which to this date is this one. From my personal perspective on your situation, I feel like you're looking in the wrong place or direction to deal with your issues. Again, that's just my opinion based on your videos. However, I'm still rooting for you, and I believe you will reach your goals as long as you keep trying to find something that works. Keep up the effort!

You r not alone. People are lonely in their relationships too! The only person who is guaranteed to be with you is yourself. You should try travelling, perhaps it will give you a new perspective.

Hi Jay, you express yourself as a very genuine, articulate and deeply emotional person with a strong intellect; lots of qualities that many people would admire. Don’t take yourself too seriously and overthink your situation. I say it, as I’ve been where you are in my early 30s, but in my 40s now and turned it around. Your video touched me. Keep going. Focus on a good routine, you’re working in a decent career that allows you to interact with people on all levels, and accept that people will come in and out your life. However, the ones that matter will stay when they do arrive. It’s all going to be ok, and I enjoy your content mate!!

This man has low-grade chronic depression (dysthymia) and probably Avoidant Personality disorder or traits of it. I say this because he is just like me. He is high-functioning though, so people will probably deny it. It's hard being an introvert in this world. it creates mental illness, in my opinion, from having an overly analytical mind. I feel it reaches a point where, at least for me, you're so far on the spectrum of what constitutes socially "normal" that you might have to be on medication. It reaches a point where the social inhibition is so strong, the demeanor so 'low' that there is almost a physical barrier that repels people and this makes social connection borderline impossible. It is purely subconscious but it is human nature for the average person to avoid these types because people don't like depressed/anxious individuals and don't want to deal with their 'off' energy. I could be wrong. I'm just speaking from my own experiences.

Really inspiring to see you share your journey. Around 6 years ago, I couldn't find any people/community I resonated with because all the groups I came across were filled with confident, outspoken people who made me shrink in my shell. (I'm an introvert) your journey reminded me of how I felt. You mentioned at the end you're happy to hear what's helped others, so I'll share some thoughts that may help (Based on my own journey and my work.) - shifting from theory/knowledge to action/Exposure is vital, looks like you're doing it, but it sounds like you're constantly at your tipping point (overwhelmed). Emotionally draining! - Giving yourself the right amount of exposure at the right frequency is key. (To avoid flooding your emotional system and allow it to recharge between attempts) - Many of your fears are valid; workplace rejection can have severe consequences. I'd say this is quite high if you scored it on a point scale. - One way to manage (or calculate) this is to consider your perceived psychological safety as a way to build your own exposure up for social interactions. - in environments with low consequences, you'll feel safer; try and find these environments first. - Your experience with Toastmasters was a good example; it has high exposure but a high safety component, as others are there for the same reason, people understand. (You felt the benefits of this after) look for more of these. - Build a mini-program for yourself with increasing exposure, starting with activities with higher psychological safety practise and work up. - You'll likely see gaps in your own program where you don't know where to find an activity; you'll need to put some work in to find one or build your own (this RU-vid account is an example of exposure to sharing/being vulnerable with a largely safe audience as algo has found like-minded people) - Honestly, though, there's no quick fix imo. But you did that first video over a couple of years ago, so I'm sure you're willing to put the work in. Just a thought about your confidence with your work vs. making friends. There's a big difference between your work persona and your true self; with work, you have armour that you can take on and take off when you're done, you're also well-practised, and it's proven. When you engage socially, you have no armour; it is just you..... and the thought of *you* being rejected is heart-wrenching, + it's uncertain which is for the brain to process. My journey was tortuous, and I thought I would never resolve it (I'm 38 now), but it was worth putting in the effort. The piece that held me back the longest was two-fold, 1. I was trying to expose myself to things that were way too overwhelming, and I just closed down and 2. After closing down, and going home, I'd then beat myself up about it. This just resulted in me procrastinating and avoiding and feeling worse about myself. When I got the dosing right, I was able to practise a lot more, and like a muscle, it really did get stronger. Most of the initial experiments I ran involved events that were just too much for my emotional state. Saying that sometimes you will need to make big jumps in difficulty. If I were to say the key action to focus on, is to really spend your energy on hunting these low-risk environments. As part of finding a safe place, of which there were very few, I ended up building an in-person community for introverted people with social anxiety and highly sensitive people, which has been thriving. (Plug for anyone who's near Bristol, UK, hit me up! We have around 2500 members) but the point is, sometimes you might need to build your own. You would probably make great friends with just the people in your comments! Anyway, those are my thoughts. Hope it might be helpful to someone!

Ya dude, I'm 34. I'm feeling the same thing, it sucks. Been feeling like this for a while now too. Still can't shake it or get past it. But im trying different things. Haven't given up yet.

Have you considered therapy? Might help get a deep dive into your deep patterns and emotions that may be cause of the anxieties.

Hey man! I’m going through something very similar, but I’m widowed with 2 kids, I’ve started working out and it’s definitely built my confidence, the discipline and progress is great for my mental health… I’ve started putting myself out there recently and trying to organise meeting up with customers/ old friends..:? I’ve been rejected a few times by people cancelling etc … it does hurt, but it’s all part of the journey, keep going happiness is a state of mind… learn to feel comfortable in the uncomfortable

I feel like people don't see any value in me, and it sucks.

for one, I think we should work towards changing our inner narrative so it doesn't negatively influence our actions subconsciously. In this point in life may be lonely but there is value in solitude, we can use this time to learn and understand a lot about ourselves.. then utilize this gained wisdom to become more confident and self-assured in our day to day lives. I think it's empowering to be better than the external influences that control our inner being. Whatever you fear, its a sign that you should go after it.

Thanks for sharing this. I'm a super introverted single guy exhausted by social contact. Here's what I think I've learned: > It's okay to feel like a lone wolf, while craving time with people in small doses. > Don't rely on work colleagues as friends. Be friendly and helpful, but the workplace is ropy foundation for a social life. > Enjoy travel, do it your own way (my absolute best memories are traveling overseas and sharing experiences, but needed enormous amount of time to recover) > Find hobbies, join groups. Base busy social events around some kind of activity. > Know your neighbours. > Massively lower the bar (I go for short lunchtime 'walk & talk' dates, and arrange quick coffee meets) > Spend time with people older than you, even decades older.

Are you in solar by chance? Sounds like solar sales and solar appointments. Just a guess.

Man, I can relate to you 100%. You seem to be highly introspective. I think this is part of our problem. We over-think things by nature, which leads to higher social inhibition which manifests as fear of rejection, worrying about smalltalk conversation topics, maybe I'm ugly and don't know it, etc. I feel like I haven't connected with anyone in 10 years. Looking back, it seems like people in "forced" social situations were open to connecting with me at first (coworkers, classmates, roommates) but somehow they always lose interest and distance themself from me within weeks/months. I'm fairly certain it's because I come off as having low social value or my social skills just suck. I certainly feel like I have low social value, so maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point.

hi m8. I've had the loneliness feeling for 5-6 years now (im turning 30 December). I got a girlfriend 3 years ago, and a son 1 year ago. I love them both to the heaven and back, but i just can't get rid of that loneliness feeling hunting me again and again. I got maybe 3-4 close friends, and lost maybe 5 last 5-6 years. It's hard to be an adult, and pretend to be perfect and happy all the time. Have a nice day. Greetings Marco.

Hi Jay, I just wondered if you did the Counselling? Curious to know how that went.. thinking about it trying it myself to give me another perspective and hold me accountable you know

First, it might be helpful if you had a neurological work up to make sure that there is no history of untreated concussions or neoplastic changes. Second, you ought not to do this alone. It might be better to go into therapy with a highly qualified psychiatrist with experience working with an endocrinologist and a neurologist. Comparing this video with your first, it is not clear to me, as a lay person, that you are helping yourself. Your videos may be helpful to your followers but this may be the moment to seek professional guidance. I wish you the best.

Have you looked at streaming your gaming and combining that with your chat, on Twitch? I’m seeing people on there that found it helped them forget about their loneliness. You never know, you might build a popularity and make connections that will leave you with no time to worry or be lonely.

You should see a therapist/psychologist to sort through all the issues in your head. Doing it on your own isn't the best way. And FWIW, I think you sound perfectly normal. Dealing with something this hard you should be proud of yourself. Good luck and all the best mate.

I think, the anxiety can come from (as an example) having a disagreement with someone, and potentially having to spend another 1, 2, 3+ years around this person. It's that feeling of imprisonment. I wonder if spending time away from anything - not just from the office environment - gives a sensation of low confidence or anxiety. Even riding my motorcycle, I had spent 2 weeks of not riding it, and my mind created reasons for me to not go out on it, and on my first ride out, it took about an hour of riding before my confidence was back to where it was before. However, during that initial 1 hour period, I was scared. It wasn't until I went through some difficult conditions, when I realised I was still alive, that my confidence had returned. So, my takeaway from that would be: we must all get in our heads a bit when we stop doing something, and we create maybe scenarios in our head of what may happen if we start to do it again (even if that thing may never happen) and then it becomes reality. Hell, I've even had that sensation when I return to a difficult competitive video game that I have not played in a while. I do often wonder, of all the things we get into our heads about with anxiety, how many of those things are something that can actually happen, and how many are just needless worrying.

While I really enjoy my alone time, I often feel lonely. Even though I have "friends" in my life, they don't feel safe and stable, so they never feel like something that is solid and I can rely on. Whenever I`m going through something difficult, I don`t feel like I could just reach out to them and get the support I need. I am alone at my darkest hours, and I am alone while life goes by and I have no one to share it with. I hope your day in the office went well.

i hope you have or will find a good friend soon. i’m also very lonely due to my social anxiety and it can suck

this is what i did when i become very fed up being lonely. i have set a new goal. to go and meet people, talk to them. the way i started was that i just walked in the city, looked people in their eyes. smiling. pretending to be happy. next day i sat infront of a bar - i couldnt go in. ma heart was beating like crazy and i knew i will not be able to even peek inside. next day i had a beer before goin out. went to the same bar, looked at it... than walked away... i knew i have to at least go in and out at all cost. so i walked by the again. sat infront of it and was fighting with myself for many minutes trying to persuate me to go inside. which i finaly did. i just went IN!! no, dont worry, i just went on the toilets and back out, but i was so proud of myself. next day i went a bit earlier, so the bar was almost empty and i managed to order a drink. ma heart was in ma pants, but as i sat there enjoying the music and the surroundings i discovered i could do that. next day was also a bit easier. every time i went out after just few minutes in the bar i celebrated a little victory over myself. over the fear. after few attempts a had no problem going in. it was rutine. i even managed to talked to few girls. im so proud of myself. and i will continue to push my fear far away.

Unless your video has been image reversed you're driving a left seated steering wheel!

SA is being afraid of judgement. Have a "dont care" attitude

You should let them all know how you feel and just be open and yourself, they will respect that and try to build you up if there good people. Hope this advice helps.

Came across your viral video earlier, you doing alright mate?

I am 30 and have been very introverted my whole life. It’s not that I dislike people I just don’t know what to talk about in a social situation. I guess I fail to take an interest in other peoples lives. Like do I just talk about the weather? What’s your favorite color lol. I can’t stand small talk so that’s probably a big reason. Also I haven’t really had very many exciting experiences in my life so I don’t have much to talk about in general. So I guess I’m afraid that I will come off as a very boring person. I have a feeling I need to just FORCE myself into uncomfortable social situations. And just push through the pain. Seems like the only way though. Anyways thanks for sharing your experience

Hey Jay I want to assure you that you are a worthy young man, no matter what your anxiety tells you. You are deserving of love, respect, and connection. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I've heard really good things about the Headspace podcasts, and the voice of Andy is helping me a lot. I'm also wondering if you've considered going for a yoga retreat? It can be a great way to meet other people who also struggle with stress and social anxiety and who you can connect with. I can feel so comfortable in a group of like-minded people who are looking for relief. Please take care of yourself, and know that you're not alone.

Hey Jay. I feel you! I’d love to chat this out with you face to face, maybe over gaming lol. Anyway, now 37 and not having many friends, im not sure if its now something I’ve just gotten used too or just enjoy being on my own. Also, I’m sure I stuffer with some sort of rejection thing, before Covid I was in the West End show and how I got in was very lucky. After two years of being with the same show, my agent would put me up for new shows. I’d do the auditions but after the first or second audition I’d stop because of the fear of not being good enough. So I ended up staying with the same show for almost 12 years. (Off and on and touring) then Covid hit and over night I had lost my job. The company lost the theatre and brexit made it difficult to get work permits to go back on tour. So the company lost the show. I’ve been out of work for a few years now. I’ve been getting auditions sent to me, but I get scared and I turn them down. I’m a good singer, I know I am, so why do I keep doing this to myself? Anyway I have another audition this week, I’ve not confirmed yet, but also I’ve not turned them away. I’m sh*tting myself and thinking of excuses not to go. I want to get back in it, but I keep stopping myself. What would you do?

I recently watched your videos and i liked them a lot because i find myself a lot in what you say. Keep up with your good work. P.s. if you ever plan to come to Albania🇦🇱 i will be more than happy to show you around

I never experienced this level of anxiety until two years ago and i never understood it but some fuck shit happened and now it's hard to go to the gas station without throwing up ive become a shudden and my world is getting smaller and i fucking hate it cause this is never who i was

Exposure to uncomfortable situations is proportionate to overcoming them. The more you expose yourself to social situations, the more comfortable it becomes and the thoughts of inadequacy go away as we get better in interactions. It works both ways - you reduce exposure and become more awkward. This applies to everything in life. The more we do it, the better we become. It just takes a little courage and determination to put some effort and not run away. Also lower your expectations - expect the worse case - to be rejected, even better do not expect anything. If you expect much from the interaction that expectation and a fear of failure usually hold us back from showing our genuine personality. Just empty your head and mingle until things get easy and become your second nature. You are lonely but not alone! Cheers!

One of the more helpful thoughts on the subject of loneliness to me was to realize that it's not my fault that I'm in this situation. We live in very unnatural circumstances which causes a lot of us to get stuck in these lonely situations where social interactions become scarce and therefore intimidating. We put all of our hope on the opportunity at hand but become anxious because we mentally make the stakes very high. Cut yourself some slack every now and then, especially the younger people. There will be plenty of opportunities to meet new friends and/or a life partner. Just be patient with yourself, connections are meant to form naturally and therefore they will naturally happen. Thanks for sharing this great video with us, sounds like you're dealing with your problems very well!

There are pros and cons to everything in life. Would love to get your perspective on the good things about doing things on your own.

I admire your courage to admit that you are lonely and in need of a quality company. I wish you success in your journey. I also scrolled down and read some of the comments. Guys, don't give up and man the fuck up!! It's baffling how most young men in Western Europe and North America grew up so soft. A man in his thirties should not be afraid of a confrontation (unless it's aganst a group of thugs)! Hit the gym guys, try new things, try talking to women. Never be afraid of rejection - what do you have to lose (your life is miserable anyway), never beg for attention and don't trust people's BS. Don't get me wrong, my life is less than perfect. Most of my friends throughout the years have been into drugs and alcohol (so was I), but slowly and steadily I'm improving my life. I try not to complain and for the most part I'm self-sufficient. Loneliness is not all bad, but if it gets overwhelming that means changes are needed. Give up videogames and porn! Get out there and try to live! And remember that change comes from within. Nobody cares about you (maybe only your mom) and depending on other people to be happy is stupid. That's my 2 cents.

From India 😃- If you are scared of social interaction then you should do the opposite - go and talk to people(wherever you are in the office, in the gym, in the park find someone to bor), what is the worst thing that can happen? they'll run away if they are not interested. No one is going to kill you if you make a bad impression. There are 350M+ people in the USA, and even if you find a new person to bor every day you won't be able to bor even 1% of the total population by the time you die. In office what is the worst thing that can happen? you'll lose your job(in extreme case, I don't think this will happen until your boss is made). so what? you'll find a new job. What you will gain from this exercise? confidence. It's better to do this experiment than having this feeling. And from my experience, it is always possible to recover from a bad impression. In the office, people don't care as long as you are good at work. I think you should not give a damn about what others will think, just believe you are the best ✌👊 And whenever you are depressed because of loneliness(for months and feel like life is going nowhere). Just do a trip to India/ southeast Asia (stay in hostels), here people will find you(you don't have to look for friends). One book that has helped me in going through a tough time is - Apprenticed To A Himalayan Master: A Yogi's Autobiography.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Feels like you want everyone to like you. You probably just don't really click with the people you feel uncomfortable about. Just focus on the people you do like...

Nothing made sense to me in this world with work, relationships ect.. fully until I read The Bible. Been an atheist my whole life. I was told it was a boring book & my school was basically hogwarts compared to religious schools. The Bible, it's scary, heartbreaking & well just like life. Every answer is in it. Every self help book is just a rip off of the Bible. Hope this helps.

I think you’ve been going about things the wrong way. You need to start taking on real responsibility, which begins with family. Everything else is supplementary to that central purpose. Work doesn’t matter, happiness is fleeting, find meaning in responsibility.

Dealing with others has become exhausting. I'm 55 and I have barely enough energy to keep me going. I've been alone for a while and I'm good with not dealing with pleasing others. Everyone is offended by everything that causes turmoil anyways. Pre 2000's people were not so butt/bum hurt by anything and let shit go. Today, you sneeze wrong and everyone is offended and you are undesirable, offensive and hurt feelings.

Working from home is the best thing ever, i wish i could it more

Dude, you are brave, don't be afraid of society, comradery, of people in general, don't let individualism swallow you, individuals makes no sense outside of people. I know kids +20 y.o. who sacrificed themselves for their friends in this ongoing crap between two European countries. They gave their lives so that their friends could survive, they didn't ask anything for exchange. We all are the people of modern world, world wants us to be afraid, live in shell, in our own small space. Let's show it we are not like that, we are strong and full of live, and we can do what needs to be done. Sorry for my poor English.

Maybe consider psychodynamic therapy - sounds like you probably have some unresolved trauma that you probably don’t even remember! Bare in mind that it’s a long term approach.

Who is telling you that there's a problem with your thought process? Ever thought of trying to enjoy your own company? To get what you want from others, from yourself? It sounds to me, like you're rejecting yourself, you don't think you're cool or worth chilling with. So ... spend some time developing habits that you would want in someone who you would look up to. And prioritize your health wealth etc. Then cut a small slice of time and perhaps money or anything else you might want to give (that you are willing to loose and not get back) and give to others if they want or need. There's no harm in a little pride and integrity, but if you're worried about what others think of you, then they partly own you. If it was normal to be the type of person who should share everything about them self with anyone? privacy wouldn't exist. It would just be called shame.

I'm in the same boat, although the rejection thing i don't feel as much, for me its just the confussion on where to find the right kind of people and how to move threw the stages of friendship (also I don't work in an office, I'm a photographer and other visual things guy, I'm not necessarly obliged to have social interaction for long stretches of time), joined a gym for example, sure there were some nice people and had some friendly banter and even went on a couple of dates, but after 1,5 year i concluded it was time to move on, wasn't progressing at all and it wasn't giving me much fullfilment. I'm using my job to meet different kinds of people now by taking on different ventures. As of this year i feel like I'm progressing and there is more room for growth. although I do need to do more social things (and i will), the main thing seems to be the lack of clear direction of how to make these friends and then are they my friends? are they friendly or friends? What do I do with these friends (I seem to have forgot or never known)? the conclusions i seem to keep comming back to is: keep it simple stupid, take a breath, be patient, be present, just have fun and keep going because you don't know what's gonna happen. Hope it makes sense and helps by proxy Note: I've made a couple of friends now i think, although i don't know how friendly they are or if theyre just friendly aquintences.

It's funny how I used to have a lot of friends, so I thought, and now getting into my 30s, turns out into a lonely miserable part of my life. Nothings going by play, anything I touch somehow turns into failure and yeah.. It's just annoying and I seriously start loosing all my hope ^^'

Brother, we are so fucking similar it is shocking and scary to me. Im just turned 30, in the US. Ive often felt like a lone wolf, despite yearning for social connection. My situation has been exacerberated by the fact that im military officer and as such i must remain socially isolated in order to do my job. Leading men is the most unnatural job in the world. I also move frequently which prevents me from maintaining those necessary social bonds. I would love to talk with you for an hour at some point if we could manage that.

Brother, you need to try the Wim How Method - it makes stress and anxiety melt away and kinda 'swaps your blood out' like a nascar. In regards to most rewarding - most scary matrix, ah yes, that is how it tends to go; in German the word for Weight is the same as Worth. I think there is definitely something to moderation, balance, and social exposure over time -- you want to be awesome, but too much awe is awful.

This is like éxactly how I feel, so good to know that I'm not the only one and something is wrong with me. But men don't talk about feelings and difficult subjects.

Have you read the book "Healing the shame that binds you" by john bradshaw. Been instrumental in helping me overcome this

It’s sound like my situation. I’m always on my own and hate to socialise but deep down I idealise great friendships and a great relationship and so that’s what I want but every friendship and relationship I’ve had have ended bad for me and made me feel like shit and feel like a joke to people so I just avoid it now even tho that’s not what I want. It’s a tough loop I’m stuck in but the only way I get out of it is to give certain people a chance. Il be social when I “feel” a connection. I won’t force it anymore and trying to find a good woman seems an impossible task for some reason! I see other couples and think how?! How did you get her! How are you good enough for her when I’ve never been good enough for anyone. Life sucks 😂

Tbf mate socialising is a lot harder now for everyone, since lockdown people don’t do the things they would of done before. The key to attracting what you wish is to let go of it. You can’t have what you want. Wanting only leads to wanting.

Have you ever considered if an office environment is right for you? As an empathetic person I find them really hard. Sitting in a space all day, gossip etc, bright lights, and so much happening around gets exhausting. Sure it gets lonely at home but more and more I’ve become comfortable with myself. I treat this as a season in life, I know it’ll shift eventually.

"i am not worth having friends"... i have this the other way. people do not deserve me, so fuck them all:) i have also been alone all the time and it is not even hurting. well, sometimes if you are in an emergency case, you need some people. but except that, enjoy being lonely, I would say.

get out of sales mate its a ring of fire

Hey i am french so sorry if my english is not the best, i saw your video about your loneliness, you should try playing an MMORPG you will meet people for sure, and even if it will be only by microphone you can have a lot of fun, i've met part of my actual friends on a mmorpg 12 years ago and we are still actively talking almost everyday and even if we don't play the game anymore we play coop game, and we help each others on different real-life project if you are ready to invest time in it maybe it will help you.

Maybe you could start a group or following Jay. Arrange events/meetups for guys in a similar situation.

I use to work in a sales office in recruitment and I totally get that feeling and experience. I use to dread it going in daily... sales is extremely competitive and its that constant pressure of it.. I'm no longer in sales and I'm a much happier person..

I am you. Recently found out that I'm autistic and it explained a lot. Check if you might be on the spectrum

I am lucky with my friendship group and think I am a social person, but I started to go the office more recently after working from home for 2 years and found it hard work to adjust to the social interactions all day. If your ever in Manchester shout me for a pint and we can set the world to rights

Im the opposite my best memories of just me n my car driving down the open road. Bro we all choose our lives. Get out there n get social. Everyone gets rejected. U gotta get over it. Even the hottest riches strongest guys get rejected. Once u do it will open ur world up trust me. Put sh** into perspective

Thank you for sharing your journey! You are not alone us men stand together ❤ I’m 25 and I am really introverted and it’s hard for me to get out my comfort zone I’ve never had a gf, never been on nights out, have a few friends but I feel like it’s better to be alone just with my own company because I feel like even if I try to find someone it won’t go down well anyways because the expectations is just too high nowadays and that’s not anyone’s fault it’s just how society is. I hope whoever is reading this finds happiness and to stay strong and have a positive mindset. YNWA ❤

Out of interest does your boss know about these videos? if this new team are early 20s and they aren't total morons they have most def googled you name. If this video shows up what do you do?

Bro go and seize your chance. This is your way to get that amazing circle of friends. Just go out there and enjoy life

Hi there did you ever have therapy for your anxiety and have you looked into your diet since some foods are the worst for anxiety, e.g too much sugar, trust i know bc i definitely resonate with your story and diet is one of the most important things you must consider when having anxiety 😊

Early 30's here too and never felt more alone and unhappy, particularly with the way the world is going. Everything has gone bloody mad. I have no career and can't hold a stable job, as I have an issue with authority and hate the thought of wasting 30-40 hours a week at work getting scraps whilst the boss gets richer and richer. I crave freedom and autonomy. I was previously making a modest income online, and now thanks to AI that's been drained to almost nothing. Don't know what to do anymore?? A bit of manual labour such a mowing lawns and the like makes me feel good, and I don't want to be stuck on a computer anymore, but I can't do that on a full time basis. Haven't had friends in years and basically live a very low cost, introverted lifestyle. I go hiking, driving, metal detecting etc by myself and only really spend on food and petrol for my car. All I want is a humble abode and some genuine connections with other like minded people, but it's impossible within this capitalist hellscape we are forced to conform to.

I feel you mate, I really really do. If you ever just want to chat and feel heard, I think we 'd both have a lot to say and understand each other well. Hit me up.

Hi, I wonder what was with the boxing training that you mentioned in your first videos? Did it helped at all?

we all alone bro its just the way the world is for some man for 10 years i havent really had a talk with another human i have no friends nothing just the gym maybe we will be luckier in the next life

Hi Jay. Please check out the carnivore diet. It helped me immensely with my social anxiety and depression. Search for anecdotes, because while there aren't any studies on it the experiences that people recount are hard to ignore. Also I totally get the idea how it sounds that your diet is influencing your anxiety. I didn't think it would help anything at all when I first tried it out. But the results cannot be denied...

Man, you are so courageous. You are speaking out in front of the whole world the same thing that is my greatest obstacle and which I'm working through, fear of rejection. It's like it hijacks my nervous system when I sense rejection. Working through it. Thanks for being courageous and vulnerable.

You should lift weights , it’ll increase your testosterone . I think you need that .

I can relate. Going through a similar situation as you. I’m 25 and struggle to show up to classes in college. Sometimes I handle it very well, but for some reason I always end up feeling too uncomfortable and begin making excuses very similar to yours. It helps to see others in the same situation. Best of luck on your journey- I’m confident you’ll get through it, as will I.

Are you in the uk driving a left hand drive car? I'm so confused right now lol

I resonate with everything youve said nearly word for word. Are you based in london?

The fact that it makes you happy to help others shows what a decent guy you are.

If we both entered married at first sight we'd be matched. 100%. 😅

how do you know the people from the office don't watch your videos?

Something to consider. Sometimes social anxiety comes from (internal) conflicting goals, when someone says they enjoy the office but don't want to go, it's often because the social aspects they enjoy are in conflict with a desire to get more work done, and conversely the social interactions you are finding fulfillment in seem empty because they are backseat to economic productivity. Not necessarily what you are experiencing, but probably worth exploring.

I feel like if we knew each other irl we actually would click and be friends, is that weird?

Absolute chad putting yourself out there my man, i think anxiety around people is a symptom of being a social person. If you weren't you wouldn't care at all right. Also the only difference i can think of between a random person and a friend is that the friend knows some pretty personal stuff about you that you're hesitant to share with others. That's obviously hard to do when you are feeling anxious. Tragically as far as i know that's the only way to make a real friend.

I believe in God, and i believe in the Bible, and God says "it is not good for man to be alone"

Lonely a nice good looking guy like you, hope things change man

I appreciate your honestly.. its really helpful