Many times people don't like it when we place them in their well respective category. I've done that and they got enraged and wanted to be treated as if they're the most ethical person and valuable good in the world when they were only an abusive piece of crap. Yeah, I do place people in their categories but they don't like the corresponding treatment or behavior. For e.g., narcs don't like to be ignored and ghosted though the ideal is to go no contact so they try their best to breach in to your space.
So true, they just repeatedly do it just leaving you hurt in so many ways but are very selfish, selfcentred & only care about themselves & their own needs & wants & only want you when it suits them.
I dated a neglectful narcissist. During the love bombing phase we had a lot of deep conversations that made me think he was capable of real intimacy. He talked about his family and his childhood, and he even said things like "I've never told anyone this before," which of course made me feel very special. He was also a bit grandiose and vulnerable, but his overarching type was neglectful.
So correct . I was independent and was happy to be equal until I was married. 100% work , ignored but would give me his last sweet, if someone was watching . 17yrs of boredom, stayed because of the children but probably caused them more damage. You never know loneliness unless you're in this type of company.
I was his sexual outlet; his ( unbeknownst to me gf) had cut him off. Nine years of that being my role, with me staying because of the future faking. Never a compliment, query about my day, a " happy birthday" on my birthday, and never, ever a gift - oops! Oh yeah, 6 years in he handed me a Walmart candle & a small bag of chocolate in a Walmart bag, saying " I don't wrap things." Wow. Super exciting. Yes, I tried desperately to get his interest and attention; he Never left, was just never " there," or " engaged," with Me. So empty. I discarded him after 2 yrs of trauma therapy and went No Contact.
This type will do absolutely basic relationship maintenance with you (like having a conversation) and walk away thinking they lovebombed you 😂 unfortunately it's just enough of a breadcrumb to make you question yourself when trying to escape the relationship.
You finally described “ my” love bombing experience. Always struggled with that element because it never “ fit”. I always tried to do whatever I could to get or keep his attention. ( just like in my childhood with my parents) Eye opening! After 27 years… I’m done doing it. Looking forward to your program Dr Ramini!!!
Same here Heather. Long term blindness kept me in that marriage. She got what she wanted with kids but never cared about the marriage. Abandonment is such an odd place to be for those of us that are older and wiser.
He was not good looking, not even average looking. But my mother had brainwashed me into thinking that I am ugly, stupid, defective, and nobody would ever love me. And suddenly, there was this young man who could not be without me. Strangely enough, once introduced, he had more connect with my mother than me. And I got some relief from my mother's taunts only because he was with me. That's somewhat like operant conditioning by my mother to keep me in the unhealthy relationship.
The crazy part is, the lack of engagement from the neglectful narcissist could lead one right into the arms of the grandiose narcissist due to all of the love bombing attention. *sighs
Thank you for this comment. My humour can be a bit ironic / as long as we are laughing but I would never want to offend or make light of what people are going through. What I had been thinking was that this sounds dreadful and I felt almost glad to have had the big energy surround-sound types in my life 🤣 . But what you say is the correct and kind version. That vulnerability has definitely made me more easily love bombed. I also have noticed that the same person can show up in a variety of different types depending on the vulnerabilities of the person from whom they are seeking supply.
Yes this…after 11 years with a neglectful narcissist I spent the next 3 years with a grandiose narcissist. Was addicted to the cycle of ending things and having him do back flips to get me back. Truth be told I didn’t even love him. Just the attention.
My ex was a self absorbed selfish neglectful narcissist. He definitely pushed childhood buttons and the trauma bond has been horrific to break. I ended up feeling not good enough and invisible. Get the hell out as soon as you realise.
Been there. At the end I started to SEE it. I realized it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, I realized HE wasn’t. I made the mistake of saying that, and the abuse got so much worse.
I experienced the exact same... I wasted a decade of my life with him, and I'm so lucky I was able to get out. He has worked me over to the point that I thought I deserved to be miserable and endure his abuse. Our marriage counselor saw what was happening, and she helped me see that it was abuse and to get out. I'm so grateful for her.
They are the bread crumb-ers! They give you only crumbs along the way (at best!), but then you have to give all of yourself.. even to the point of forgetting your own value system- lest you "loose" them.
I am about to file for divorce next week . my future ex hubbie fits exactly your description , dr Ramani . thank you from the bottom of my heart . 16 years of marriage, two kids , got cancer in 2020 , doing fine now 🙆🏻♀️🙂, and learning through my illness about narcissistic abuse .. has enlightened me and made me fight more for my life !!! God bless you and your mission !
Stay strong enough to remember you and love you. I no your pain, 27 year knowing each other's name, because I still don't know him. 24 yrs of marriage, haven't worked in 23 yrs, 4 young adult children still at home. I talk about divorce every month now, he don't want one. Went to marriage counseling in 2020, he put on a show. She believed every word he was saying, she started looking at me crazy. She wouldn't stop him, but ask me over and over why did that make you mad. I, could only take 3 visit. My illness has come from this marriage and childhood Truman. Stay strong, is not easy.
@@labrisimonesimone8042 thank you very much ! all the love to you , get your strenght and leave him , my sister. let's not put our children through this no longer . they need their mother safe and happy . #proud2beawoman
@@labrisimonesimone8042 oh .. so much abuse in this world 😞. you must get out of your misery . leave him no matter what , don't tell , just leave . explain to your kids , but think of you . your soul and life depend on it , my sister . #freedom #loveyourself
It shows up as hovering (not hoovering!) - appearing to be "nicer' than usual or asking what you're doing frequently, etc., but it feels gross because it's clearly because they are wanting something specific from you, or wanting something to start appearing a certain way, not because they actually care. It makes you feel so uncomfortable when other people try to be nice to you because everything is so transactional with this person, and if things don't go their way they rage out and get gaslight-y, spiteful and mean. Its hard to retrain your brain that you don't have to walk on eggshells and expect that from everyone else, too.
This video is spot on with my experience. They want to draw in people who will jump through their hoops, work to get their attention. They are lazy, they don't want to do the work themselves, and they hate being inconvenienced by the needs of others. You might not see the red flags if you don't spend a lot of time around them, and they can wear their mask just long enough to keep you fooled. I'd also like to see more about this type of narcissist, this can help so many people learn to recognize their incredibly sneaky tactics, and get out early!
My experience is that I when I was connected to manipulators I would always start to feel a strong need for hugs respect and love and I knew I was not receiving it from this person. The moment I unplugged from them I was alone but the pain of missing warmth and respect would leave. The presence of an narcissist is like a constant awareness of what you're not receiving but you do deserve to receive and you know it l. But the narcissists are sneakily lecturing their target that they are ungrateful and nagging or being negative....when you talk to decent kind emotionally intelligent people you feel the difference.
One day my narc asked me to dinner for date night. I said, "no." He was caught off guard. I said, "If we were in the real world, I'd tell you no, because you're clearly not interested in me. You don't talk to me, pay attention to me. I'd hard pass on a date with you." That night he worked hard on the conversation part, but that was his love bomb, words, charm and flattery--no follow through on promised actions. All talk. Glad it's over, glad he discarded me after 7 years of marriage, 9 years together. He ghosted me for 6 months and ended our marriage over text. Now that the divorce is final, the hoover begins. No contact is essential. Otherwise it's love songs, flattery, remorse...then the shank. The shank is always on its way...
"because they are just so unavailable. They also tend to be unromantic, distant, AVOID ANY TRUE INTIMACY, can be sexually cold, robotic, lacks spontaneity" - you just described the NPD in my life to a "T". and she had the gall to project all these back at me. I used to ask myself the killer question "Why?" it's so clear now why she did that. To hide the shame of not being capable for real, adult intimacy and love. Can't be blamed, can't be faulted. this video is SO SPOT ON! specially at 06:45 - thanks, Dr. Ramani
Sigh,... Exactly. To a " T". He paid next to no attention to me, asked nothing about me or my life... Didn't want a photo. Didn't want to know anything more about me ... Just sex. Twice a week Sex, get dressed, leave And, I put up with it, for 7.5 years ( yes, I had no value, no self-esteem, no self-worth. ) He gave me Breadcrumbs... just like my father all my life. And I begged for them, pleaded for 30 minutes together. But, trauma-informed therapy is beginning to heal me; I'm learning my worth, that I have value..doing what USED TO make me Happy. ( EMDR, CBT,DBT) So, now, I tell him NO. Too busy, not interested in that, .. Only if we do _____ or ______ will I spend time with you, peasant.. I rule my Life, now. When he still occasionally says cruel, devaluing things ... I stare at his forehead ( no eye contact), don't say a word... And walk away. With what he's taught me, .. I now Devalue and dismiss HIM. Tell him of his many flaws ( in a neutral, calm voice. And, his Love-bomving consisted of 2 days of texting " I can't be without you, I want to kiss you all over!" And " I do love you, you know that !!! " He's lost Me, and I know he knows it. I never beg, nor even hint at time together ... never ask about HIS day, his kid or how he's feeling since his heart attack ( at 42, I put a curse on him ) ~~~☆ I've become as self-absorbed and dead inside, as he. But, ONLY with him. And that soft, empathic, unconditionally loving woman..?? She's vanished. Like a thief in the night. N
Unfortunately, those of us raised by emotionally neglectful parents are primed to go for these toxic types in relationships. Glad that I eventually figured all of this out, even though it was later in life. You can bet that I’m teaching my adult children about narcissism now!
I'm stuck in for 37 years & Didn't know about narcissism untill I watched videos of dr ramani. Thank you Dr Ramani. I have started my journey I cannot think of what type of narc my husband is. He is everything. Leaving won't be easy but I made up my mind.
I was married 30 years to a narcassist. I knew from the first week there was something wrong with him, but like you, I knew nothing about this mental illness. I stayed until my youngest turned 18. He remarried right after our divorce. The first year I felt as though I had massive withdrawal symptoms, loneliness, and fear about how I would survive on my own. It was hard, but those feelings slowly dissipated. I'm 5 years out and my life is so peaceful now. I enjoy being alone and having time to heal. I was miserable for 30 years, so the pain I felt after leaving was worth my freedom and recovery!!!!
Isn't it ridiculous Laura how these narcs move on so quickly regardless of the situation?! I remember my aunt, my Mother's sister, telling me a story about how about 2 weeks after my Mother was buried she visited my family home to comfort them after the death of their Mother. You would think given the fact that their Mother had just died they would be in mourning. Instead they were there drinking and inviting their friends over and living it up as if there was no tomorrow...
@@barryosullivan3428 it really is! He moved 1200 miles away and never even attempts to contact our children. Yet, says they abandoned and rejected him. He left me to clean up the mess he made with our children and I've used all my resources to help them recover and become functional adults despite having severe depression and anxiety. All this while I was struggling to recover. It was a long long battle, I won't lie, but worth it! Five years later we are blossoming and he is worse off and married to another narcassist. She has even worse mental healfh issues than him. I never stooped to his level or supported his bad behavior. I taught my children to respect him as their father, but not condone his behavior. I never discourage them from seeking a relationship, but they choose not to. They understand his behavior is due to a mental illness.
And I don't blame them Laura because after having to suffer my narc family for 27 years I am just so glad to be single with my best friend-my labrador!
But then you eventually realize that the reason they are so neglectful and avoidant is because they are internally combating their fuss, anger, rage and impulsivity
For me that low-key vibe was 100% attractive, but unfortunately, that low-key vibe WAS the love bombing bc it didn’t take a long time for low key to turn into frequent rages. Was like he didn’t care, everything was fine, to full blown rage and hateful words and actions with the flip of a switch.
@@kimberlybecker9560 That happened to me too. Caught me off guard and I had no time to react at this points of devaluing. He recently discarded me cause I pushed the truth on him. He goes to fight with his also narc dad cause he is a moocher then runs back. The cycle was sickening. He was just trying to get a relationship back with his dad using me to get there.
How interesting - I know everything I did wrong. I knew my narc at work for over 10 years. He was a great guy. Against my better judgement we dated. My narc was charming and attentive until the ink dried on the marriage certificate. Then he totally ignored me except for sex. (I’m convinced it could have beern anyone) I tried for years to please him, suggest places to go and have “fun”. Not allowed. If he did go it was like dragging a cinderblock and never up to his expectations. In 16 years been on one vacation early on - only because his daughter had a destination wedding. Since the beginning every weekend he goes off to his “shop” . Comes home at 5 and parks in front of the tv. Told me I “wasn’t all that”. We live in an area that is 1 hour away from anything the least bit worthwhile. Instead of a rural sanctuary it has become rural isolation. Because the area is quite “clannish” I really have no circle of friends after 16 years. If I were not somewhat a solitary creature with horses I would go mad. I moved to the spare room - that was my line in the sand. We are separate but in the same house. I honestly hope he finds a girlfriend. I still am exposed to all the classic narc scenarios - but see them for what they are. It’s like a script. I laugh inside as he unknowingly recites all the Classic Narc Behavior Requirements addressed in these videos. It used to crush me. I wanted a happy marriage. Not anymore. His diatribes are predictable and even amusing. It’s time to go - but the home investment is all mine and I cannot walk away. But at least I have knowledge it is not 100% my fault. That alone is liberating and gives peace of mind until I can make my move. Dr Ramani provides invaluable formation you cannot find anywhere else - she nails it again and again. TY
I am living a similar experience. I am working on finding ways to have purpose in life right now. How did you get him to agree to you having your own room? I would actually like to do that, but fear he will become really disagreeable to the idea.
@@rascallyrabbit It is scary. But, I believe that if you take your time to get to know a person and stay open to ANY red flags no matter your age or how many relationships you’ve had, you can avoid getting stuck like this. I was very young and gullible when I entered my relationship.
This is my mother. It makes sense now - and how she will now try to use money or gifts to get me 'on-side', but it's always for a reason that benefits her, not me. Childhood was characterised by being ignored, forgotten about (i was literally left behind in a store once), vacillating between feeling like "a nuisance" or a servant (or both at the same time), and any wins of mine - at school for example, where i was consistently top of my class - were completely diminished or ignored, or would trigger her into finding fault with something else about me instead. An example: One report card i got when i was 10 was *perfect*. The teacher had told us all we could open them first as they were ours, as opposed to giving them unopened to the parents, so we did. When i got home and gave it to my mother she glanced over it then berated me for opening it. No celebration, no "well done", no joy, no happiness for me. Just another excuse for abuse. I remember the look on my teacher's face the next day when she asked me what my mother said about my report and i replied "she told me off for opening it". She was stunned - she hadn't seen 'that side' of my mother before - but by that point i was used to it, almost. It was my norm. Talk about setting the bar low for expectations. 30+ years later and i still find it hard to accept praise, rewards, congratulations, even payment, as i (unconsciously) expect negative repercussions to follow. It has made it very hard to claim or advocate for my worth, or allow any success, or acknowledgment of my successes. Instead i've become hyper-vigiliant, anxious and avoidant, and burning out in work situations from over-giving & under-receiving. I'm realising the extent of this now, and trying to work through it, but these patterns do run deep. It's requiring a full-brain restructure..! Lots of tapping, lots of journalling, and a lot of distance from my mother now. That's her loss. Thank you Dr Ramani, your work helps immensely, even if it is just finally feeling "understood"... 🙏💕🌸
And part two to my comment . So I survived a marriage to a narcissist . I’ve been single for almost 7 years. Recently was given a phone number to a guy (to potentially date for the first time ) and immediately noticed strange behavior and odd comments . Yes , you got it , a neglectful narcissist who exploded in my face when I called him out . It’s your teachings that allowed me to see this , and be smarter Dr.R And I cannot thank you enough. I am finally a GATEKEEPER . Spread the word people This information works
OMG... This describes my marriage in one short video! It existed because it looks "good on paper" for him. All fluff and no stuff. On the outward appearance, looks great but on the inside, absolutely nothing. Wouldn't even look at me, touch me or associate with me behind closed doors. My part in all of it was my very low expectations of anything good in a relationship. I had set the bar so low for myself. What a perfect match! So happy that I am healing myself and have gotten out of this relationship.
My marriage exactly, Cheryl. I asked my husband so many times why he wanted to get married, and he never could give me more than a blank stare or a shrug. He was so neglectful of me if I'd fallen over dead on the floor, he wouldn't have lifted a finger to move my rotting corpse. I get it. I understand. God bless you in your healing journey.
@@spacegirl226 I completely understand! I would ask my ex that very same question. Why is he even here if he's not going to be active in the marriage? He never had an answer. Good luck on your healing journey as well!
After months of therapy, I realized that I have/had self-defeating personality disorder. I sacrificed 17 years of my life to help a neglectful narcissist because I felt like it was the right thing to do. We got married in 2 weeks of meeting at work to "save my career" and I realized that I was also saving his career too. When he discarded me a year ago, I realized I had been romantically starved, lonely while married, and so empty. He drained me with the constant cycles of not being connected and zero romance. I would always bring it up and he would gas light me. When I felt like giving up, he would love bomb me for a brief moment and the cycle would repeat itself. Also, I was competing with his job and it was always more important than the children and I. He would come home to eat and sleep. He felt soooo important at work. Work was/is his Everything. Thankfully so... I have my freedom because of his out of country work assignment.
We need MORE on this one please! This is finally the precisely exact one I ended up with!! And you sure described my whole life with him. 😧 Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏🏾♥️
I was friends with the neglectful narcissists I was with. I have never felt so alone in my life. I would never wish this upon anyone. He won't get out of my house. So I'm figuring out ways to get him out myself. I have never met anyone so cold, immature, and selfish in my life.
@@TheStacyusher me too! Took me 3 years to finally start figuring things out. Now its going on 6 and I still haven't got rid of him. He will be gone within the next 3 weeks. I can't wait!!
You have to trick him to go somewhere far,atleast enough for you to change your door locks...I did it 1 week ago after being hit with a wooden stool... the black eye didn't show,but I feel violated still...I had seen the red flags way back 5 months ago by seeing extreme rage and verbal abuse.He wouldn't budge from the house even when I said I didn't want him there.so the red flags are always there.For anyone reading this,Take care♥️ For Dr Ramani..thanks for the continued support and advise.
Met mine when he was inviting me to a party and told me to dress nicely. Only to feel overdressed at the party. Seemed to be interested only when we were gonna go out. Had this thing that he wanted his friends to meet me. He told me I was pretty a lot. More than I cared to know. He would make plans with me then text me an hour before the event. To tell me he was going home. He was just a lier. I am from a neglectful childhood but I've been doing some work on self awareness through therapy since 2017. I was suffering from PTSD from a really bad accident. He love bombed me through words and giving me attention. Just in one month he already loved me. Wanted to take me home. Wanted me to meet his sister. But...watched a video of yours Dr Ramani on Truth seeing children. I was that child. And also your interview with Kendall when you spoke about people who suffer with anxiety tending to be more in tune. Also that person. I had a bad feeling about him. But again, emotionally neglected child so I doubted myself. He was very loving and affectionate but he had this intensity about him that scared me a little. Calm and collected and very attractive dude. A reader and he "mirrored" me so it was just all magical to some degreel. But also felt weirded out because he literally used my own perspective to relate to me. I felt like I was dating myself. I craved that nuance in our personalities that only showed up when he was being inconsiderate, a lier and inconsistent with his actions. But with all my issues I have learned to be vocal. So I spoke up everytime he was being a jerk. He would apologize but still do the very same thing 5days later. So I broke up with him. But then we resolved things following day. And that's the last time we spoke. He's off social media so I'm guessing he lost his phone. The child in me wants to chase but the adult is not for that. She's seen enough and knows better. And I have learned to trust the adult me a little more.🇿🇦🇿🇦
"The child in me wants to chase..." I think most narcs count on being chased for 2 reasons: they don't have to work to keep us and it validates their conviction that they're special.
And again, this raises more questions in my head about my own motives: I tried and won over a neglectful narcissist who didn't look good, wasn't rich, and had no societal or whatever other advantage and I decided to marry him. My reason was: oh look! I finally found a man who is willing to give me my rights back; the very rights that the country I come from takes away from women. I wasn't living in that country anymore but apparently, looking back, I truly believed that I will never find a man who will understand that a woman has the right to choose where she lives, whether or not she works or studies and also, very important, the right to get a divorce! Women are not allowed to file for a divorce where I come from! So the love-bombing phase for me was: oh look!!! I found a man who will be willing to give me the authority to file a divorce for him!!! Such a pathetic love bombing isn't it? Luckily I did use the divorce right almost right away after I realized what I have done to myself. The abuse was not worth the adventure though
Spot on! 23 yrs of trying and failing. Free 3 yrs! Praise God. He literally pulled me out or I would’ve stayed. My three children are still trying to get his attention and are alienated from me.
@@sparkygump I was not discarded. I woke up to the fact that I was being abused by a narcissist and decided I have had enough. Also I tried counseling and many other ways of trying to get my marriage healthy first. I was afraid to leave because of religious reasons but God brought me out. He showed me I had value and was love.
@@onceuponatime8900 Yes many people did not see his narcissistic behavior and still support him. Including my children who lives in my house. Very sad! But you soon learn who values you for you, or who was not a healthy person.
Losing ones children to this narc after raising them mostly on your own is heartbreaking. As soos as they reached adolescence Mr nice guy moved in and broke down every boundary and structure I built into their lives over the years(he must protect them from me), making them to despise me and doubt myself even more.
@@nadiarohlandt5151 That is exactly my story. It is heartbreaking. Patently alienation is the worse thing a parent can live through. The grief is sometimes unbearable. That is why it is so important to have Jesus. He is what got me through days I thought I wouldn’t make it. Pray for your children. Pray for you ex. If God gets ahold of him, hearts will be changed. Keep loving them and being the healthy parent. I do believe they will come around. I have faith…for me it’s been three years. God bless you mama!💕
Spot on Dr. I have and I’m dealing with it now. I’m invisible to him but when I’m not with him people and animals are drawn to me for my kindness. He is a dark cloud in my life. I’m currently working on it. ❤️
Oh my god long distance relationships exacerbated this dynamic GREATLY! The lovebombing occurs when you're together in person, they'd become affectionate attentive and lovely to keep you. But when apart (majority of the time in a LDR) it would be like I didn't exist to them anymore and they even said as much. Though I was a partner to them, any bids for affection, support or attention from me would be met with callousness, gaslighting, devaluation and anger. I would then try harder to get their attention , surviving off breadcrumbs and their future faking; how reuniting someday will solving the pain I felt but they were only doing this they to control the situation and avoid accountability. It was a terrible trapping dynamic and ultimately very lonely relationship. Glad I walked away and urge you to too.
For me it was a combination of low expectations and feeling undesirable as a woman because of a lack of male attention throughout my teens. I never had a boy ask me out or express any kind of interest. I also experienced unreciprocated love a lot. At some point I thought to myself the next one who wants to be with me I will give a chance. I felt pretty old for my first relationship so you could say there was also some kind of cultural time pressure involved. On top of that I grew up around introverted people and interpreted his neglectfulness as being shy and introverted. I had a bad gut feeling from the start though and in the end it always was just that, disinterest.
This video describes my childhood and my life up until I moved out of the family home at 27 years old-being love bombed by a neglectful narc. These kind of folks are so toxic and especially if they are family of origin they teach u over time to be contented with so little. This video describes so well why I find relationships so difficult to maintain because over many years my narc siblings conditioned me to believe that I was worthless and deserving of so little. It was actually only after my Mother died that I learned the true extent of how uncaring and neglectful that they genuinely are...
I know that whomever is envolved in a narc relationship in any kind is a pure hearted person.. him/her manipulating us doesn’t make us less of a person! I’m in a narcissistic relationship and it will come to the end very soon! I’m going to leave him.. but honestly this experience made me stronger and wiser
I hope you do leave him but it's easier said than done. I'm stuck in an abusive narcissist "situation-ship" & the only reason why I can't just leave (as bad as I want to) is cuz of money. I don't have no money to move out because I haven't worked in 3 months due to a bad car accident which left me not being able to walk (for now). So on top of being in recovery, pain, panic attacks, etc & ON TOP of that I have to deal with not feeling safe, crying everyday & night, talked down to like I'm worthless, aggressive & intimidating, living in silence because everytime I say how I feel "its a problem" because narcissist do not like to acknowledge or accept reality nor responsibility. I'm the "moron, the dumb blonde, everything's MY fault (according to him) even when he hits me, & punches the walls...its still my fault he can't control his rage. N because I don't want to be homeless, I stay until I get money from my car accident & then I could finally leave him & start living life, being happy, safe, loved. I worthy. So are you. We are worthy just like anybody else of safety, protection, love, honesty, laughter, family, success. We are worthy! No more pain & suffering in 2022
@@nickiiimar So sorry you are going through all this, and I wish you SAFETY, healing, and much better days ahead. Additionally, I have a better descriptor for what you are going through than 'situation-ship', no, I call it a 'relationsh*t' Just a little change to that last letter and things are described in so much more accurate terms.
Twisted mind games, very cruel and the pain will have eventually subside but pretty awful to be going through at the time! Our price for caring, sucked being in? Demons!
I was raised by a neglectful narcissistic father, I’m now realizing. And a covert narcissist mother. I’m a Christian and have had God close to me since I can remember, I held onto him so tight while I was growing up. Which is what and who I give credit too in my own mental health. But now realizing who my father is, now helps me see how I was controlled by him. He always made me strive for his attention, made me feel inconvenienced if I requested anything of him, only ever show me any value when we did things for his interests, and when anything was ever discussed to him about anything, he would say “ Who do you think you are? Lecturing me? “ mostly his vocabulary for commenting on him, was a lecture, in his mind. Very difficult personality, but God made a way for me, and I’m praying for him to deliver my dad. God bless❤️
My most recent relation was with a covert, vulnerable, cerebral, neglectful narcissist. This kind makes friends with a low self esteem people and partners with them and they jump through the hoops every second!
This is Me all day long. He was so checked out and then while he was checked out, turns out he was acting out. 🙋🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🙅🏾♀️Being married to me fast after 11 months and then convenience kept him for 33 years. He was the 10 dozen roses and the HUGE Christmas guy. Narry a touch (outside a painful butt slap) nor acknowledgement of me....Needless to say. I wish I knew what I now know!! No more.
I wonder if butt slapping is one of those red flags!! No matter how many times I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. Also, pulling my hair to force my head back for a kiss. Grrrrrr!!! I have neck issues now because of that. Like someone else said, wouldn't do what I asked and continued to do the things that made me feel worthless, disrespected, and dismissed.
You described my past relationship with a Narc. While I was in relationship with him, I could not understand why he was so UNAVAILABLE, so distant, so unromantic. Everything was like a robotic. My brother went through hell with his health, near to death a few times. I cried so hard because I was so scared of loosing my brother. My ex couldn’t comfort me. No empathy whatsoever. He still went on with his normal life. I asked myself many times that he could he still laughed with his friends while my heart was achy and full of fears. Well … I got the answer at the end when I discovered that he was a Narc.
Hi Dr Ramani ,, all I can say is that I lived through a psychological thriller !,,, 8 years of torturous abuse,,,I ran for my life 17 months ago,,, never looked back 🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊
Ugh…..😭😭😭😭😭😭 crying through most of this. Mine was absolutely neglectful, but the insanity was that they are COMPLETELY different in their public persona!!! Completely checked out and hardly was ever around in the relationship. I constantly begged for quality time. During “love bombing” I was absolutely still trying to get attention, but..they were more present before the devaluing started, then it got way less. There was definitely not a lot of “grand gestures” or anything like that and most of the time spent together in the beginning was doing something they liked or wanted to do and honestly, I didn’t mind that at the time. I listened to lots of old stories from their own life. ( I genuinely enjoyed taking in everything and loved to just sit and listen to them that it never really occurred to me I wasn’t being inquired of much from them about myself while we were getting to know one another.) When I look back now at it, I can see those things but I very much didn’t at that time. I had been single raising a child on my own quite a long time, years in fact..and hadn’t dated anyone in all those years when we met. I think I wanted a partner so badly and had came out of several toxic relationships prior to meeting them. I can relate to what you said about having a low value system/self esteem for myself!! 💯💯 I was neglected by my father as a child and have recognized now that I’ve been drawn to emotionally unavailable and withdrawn men in my adulthood. 🤦♀️ It’s truly all I’ve really known, and have always strived to “earn a man’s affection” from a very young age. I am still healing one day at a time, but truly… I have never felt so utterly alone, invaluable, disgusting and horrible about myself as I did when I was with that neglectful Narc. Devalued so much and was called names and told things that still almost shock me to this day ,no intimacy and withdrawn all at the same time….boy, it did quite a lot of damage that I’ve now been healing from. I’m so glad to have found this community, though ! It’s helped me and been a vital tool for my recovery, thank you! Much love to every survivor out there❣️
First Makes sense. Mother was always around when it served her housing and image needs but when I legitimately needed help she seen it more as a threat than collective progress (I’m also biracial so there’s that dynamic she’s also trying to twist when it suits her). She would stifle my progress to make sure the window was still open to come back if things weren’t going well for her and the mask started slipping around her family when she’d scapegoat me (and the words ‘remote’ and ‘unavailable parent’ just hit the nail on the head lol. That was surreal). And omg omg omg, last thing you mentioned with them being distant and cold with their lovers omg.. It really wasn’t my fault, I almost convinced myself that it was a few times. Thank god I found your channel, thank you so much
After 34 years of this, I’m looking forward to my divorce being finalized so that I can be free of the narcs demonic spirit and lead a peaceful life. As I think back over the years,the love bombing only started when I said I’d had enough and was leaving. At that time he’d pull out all of the stops-flying monkeys, tears/crying, etc. I’m not falling for it this time.
This was part of my family's dynamic. The amount of time I adopted it for is embarrassing. This was a three decade mask. Emotional crumbs. I strive to be better for myself so I can be better for the people in my life who bring me real intimacy.
This is my experience to - Beyond neglectful. Only wanted you when it exactly suited them & they wanted something. I just kept on expecting them to better, be a more reliable, loving & caring person after all I did but they are just so totally selfish & selfcentred & give so little & kept continually hurting me time & time again,. I would feel totally exasperated, frustrated & so many negative feelings which finally led to depression & knew I would never get anywhere.
100%… so hurtful… having been in this (with the last one) , although I left, very hard to get through the thoughts that I gave my everything in every way - to have been completely used and looked at as “NOTHING”. Like I never existed.
Think I met one recently who was superficially exceedingly ‘nice’ but def low empathy, no ability to take responsibility for their actions, and just overall… dull (very much like talking to a wall, more often than not). It took some time for the patterns to emerge- emotional immaturity, grandiosity (relatively tame but there) and just wanting to talk about themself 😅 (no curiosity about the other person- this has become of the biggest red flags for me). Social skills weren’t great, noticeable struggles with communication. What did it for me was the constant disrespect/ disregard for my time. Byeeeee ✌🏼
This sounds a-lot like my experience. More like 1 year of the mask, then the complete shutdown and removal of emotional and physical intimacy. I had conversations along the way and was always given excuses. She kept blaming me for being home too much… in the house she asked me to move into. Admitted to being emotionally unavailable after she already had me move in. Zero empathy, she didn’t even react to my dog dying from a brain tumor. Also never cared about me or my feelings. Said an ideal relationship was two individuals who hung out sometimes. Always surface level conversations, never was any mood but “good”. Friends described her as a robot and she seemed proud of that label. Once the gaslighting started and she started saying “it’s uncomfortable to say I love you” I was out.
They love bomb you to hook you in, then they use you for sex…they have no empathy so it’s just mechanical sex no feelings, then they withdraw sex. Devaluation follows not long after, oh then they discard you… everything they say is a pack of Lies… He told me he got advanced prostrate cancer…, 6 weeks after he’s out there playing in a band so just go no contact and don’t take any of their BS 🚩🚩🚩🚩
And once you decide it just takes too much of your energy & time, they suddenly want your attention or get mad as to why you have changed. Once I can support myself financially, I will be completely done.
Dr. Ramani. Neglectful Narcissist do love bomb. It’s just super basic. Because they are so neglectful, the regular things they should have been doing becomes the love bomb: -helping with the dishes -taking the garbage out -cooking a good meal And if all this basic as$ ish happens on the same day after some nonsense they’ve done( that they’ll never acknowledge or apologize for) Then it’s the neglectful narcs love bomb… essentially crumbs😢
16 years of being with a neglectful covert narc. He always seemed like the down and out. Poor him, he was always jipped into toxic relationships. Didn't get to see his kids. Always seemed like the victim. That was where I wanted to make his life happy and enjoyable. Bring love and laughter into his life. But all I was... was a void filler. I did everything for him. Tried to make him happy with everything I did. But nothing ever seemed to be good enough for him. Always was never happy. But when he wanted to be loved.... that's when he thought to bring on the charm. And I wanted that person to stay always. What a waste of time and effort. Now I have to go to counselling because of him. All I ever did was love him whole heartedly.
A lot of future faking with mine, talk about special plans he was gonna do with me, make me dinner, travel, etc. they’re all talk, but enough to get you hooked
My experience being love bombed by a neglectful narcissist looked like a strange combination of grandiose love bombing, bread-crumbing, hoovering, and future-faking in one. The grandiose gestures happened very rarely, which was the bread-crumbing factor in this case since he was miserly from the very beginning. The love bombing didn't come at the beginning of the relationship, but rather later on during the hoovering phases. There was always the sense that the narcissist was performing these gestures grudgingly, indirectly communicating that he was being "inconvenienced" by being "forced" to love bomb me. The future-faking aspect was in the unspoken suggestion that these grand gestures (and by "grand" I mean occasionally picking up the tab at a restaurant) would continue if I gave into the hoovering, which of course, they didn't.
I did the naked feather boa thing. To my dismay He just made a joke about my physical imperfections. Thank you Dr. Ramani. This is the truest explanation of my marriage. I am working hard to get out of but I have 4 small kids and love being a homemaker after leaving my career. Send me good thoughts please!
These people would use legitimate excuses to justify their neglectful behaviors like “I’m an avoidant person” , “ I don’t develop feelings fast”. Watch out when they are not being reciprocal
Dr. Ramani... Your channel has been a blessing to my mental health and path of healing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your expertise!
Thank you Dr Ramani, you are blessing to my mental health. My ex is covert and neglectful narcissist. You described him perfectly: the complete lack of intimacy, total ignorance and neglect made a very miserable marriage. Most People don’t understand anything other than grandiose narcissist and would never understand what I am going through. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Thank you again Dr. R. You nailed it! The lovebombing in my neglectful marriage took the form of mirroring. It lasted til 5 weeks after the wedding. (As Christians we did not live together before the wedding.) I spent the next 3 decades trying to "win him back", but the him I was trying to win back never existed. After 5 more years of me living in despair and using every imaginable way I could to try to get him to see my perspective, he blamed me for not seeing who he really was while we were dating and engaged. It was my fault that I could not see past the mirroring. I had too many expectations, etc. All I expected was that he, as a Christian, would have been authentic with me from the jump. Crazytown. I am 3+ years out, but still struggling. I know I deserved better.
35 years with a neglectful narcissist. Comforting to be able to put a name to the behavior. I feel blessed that I had a rewarding, soul satisfying career outside the home. I was blessed in that regard. Interesting to note that he was love bombed by a malignant narcissist, began an affair, and we divorced. She discarded him when he developed health issues. And not in a nice way! But I feel so sad for my stepson and our son who try to have a relationship with him that will simply never happen. I don’t feel it is my place to tell these grown men what neglect I endured for those years, as they love him. And I don’t think they are capable of hearing anything negative about him.
Totally my experience. It went from a personal to a business relationship because I had things he needed. I felt short changed because I didn't get the dramatic love bombing, but now I understand. It's a very sad way to live and I'm working on getting out because I found your videos. Thank you for everything you do!!
This is my mother. It’s sad how true this is. I’ve come to terms with her being the way she is: Unavailable and neglectful She is like a gray space. It’s not me. She always is disengaged. And I am indifferent now.
Doc, I was being loved bomb by this kind. I was young and naive, I didn’t know there are these kinds of monsters in our world. And I thought it was true love. 24 years later, and I’m treated as a piece of gum on the shoes. I’m leaving this loveless marriage. I have about 20 years left to leave and certain that my life is not this sad and lonely. I don’t cheat, but I know I can do better than this. Our kid is grown and in college. There’s nothing left for me here. I’m done with misery.
ALL of the Above, I wanted a Divorce after the honeymoon 🙃, saw therapist together, spoke with family and tried to make it work. Tried for Decades. Until the Affairs and Abuse were intolerable. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.
My twenty year marriage was to a neglectful narcissist. He kept me on the hook for 14 years after our divorce, breadcrumbing, and I willingly obliged. Only when I started seeing another suspected narc who lovebombed me, over the top like no other, did I break the bond with my ex. I saw the lovebombing from the new partner for what it was, and I ate it up because it felt so good, but two months into the new relationship his mask dropped. Mentally working on my next steps but it’s a strange thing that it took a blatantly lovebombing new narc to break the attachment to the one with almost three decades of a hold over me. To anyone reading this, I wish you peace. Living in/recovering from narc abuse is a twisted, pot hole riddled road, so please be kind to yourselves and know you are worthy of all things good.
This video helps me feel sane, when you explained that when dealing with this type of person, you know they have narcissistic tendencies but it just doesn't match the description. He absolutely does have a lot of traits of vulnerable narcissists, but the abuse didn't manifest in the same way. This May, in the last two weeks of our relationship, my ex took me on a 5 day trip out of state to his good friends' house, where she had invited 18 people to spend memorial day weekend at her lake house. Of the 20 some people there, he didn't know anyone there except for his friend and her family. Even though I had felt neglected and like something was off for weeks, my friends told me not to overthink it and that he wouldnt take me to something like that unless he really wanted me there. After all, I was the first girl he was ever introducing to friends or family (we're both 30 and this was his first relationship. It was a big deal for him to even call someone his girlfriend. We only dated 5 months and that beat his previous record by about 4 and a half months lol). When we got there, he left me to fend for myself and ignored me all weekend. We were there Thursday-Monday. He behaved like he was ashamed to be seen with me there. Thursday night, his friend was trying to get to know me and be nice and asked if I would be going to their school friends' wedding in Seattle this fall. My ex quietly said "we'll see." under his breath. At this point I knew we werent going to last another week, but I was still stuck there, a 9 hour drive away frrom home. The rest of the weekend I was just trying to make it work and appear like everything was okay because I refused to make a scene in front of all these strangers and be mistaken for the crazy or abusive one. Everyone saw him ignore me. By Saturday I pulled him aside and asked what was wrong, and why he seemed to prefer hanging out with anyone, literally anyone but me, even though he didn't know any of these people. I am social and was able to make friends and have a good time, but the only time he and I spent time together was when he wanted a break from socializing and wanted to go back to our room to have sex. And that no longer felt intimate, it felt like something to do because he was bored. Then when we got home, we broke up within a couple of days. He told me that he had to force himself to spend time with me all weekend and was bored of me. Compared to the love bombing at the beginning, and being his favorite person ever, he was now telling me that our relationship wasnt exciting enough. He said "you had me pegged a few months ago, I need drama and for things to be more exciting". He said this because when we started dating and it came up that he had never been in a relationship or in love, he described being involved in stupid little flings where the girl was super dramatic and "exciting" and either completely unstable, or completely unavailable to him. When we started dating, he would get so worried if I seemed distant and seemed to care so much about where we stood. When we started dating, I felt so connected to and compatible with him, I overlooked his lack of healthy relationship history because I was being treated so well and he was so thoughtful and responsive to feedback. But in the end he didn't care at all. He literally told me that he doesnt love me, and is bored. I feel so devalued and tossed aside and I'm still struggling with feeling kind of worthless.
Definately spot on! Stuck with a neglectful narc thriugh trauma bonding- never really knew my worth, had been satisfied with breadcrumbs for so long. This whole situation is devastating to the kids too- so sad for them- they're feeling neglected too (teen girls need their dad's attention, otherwise history will repeat itself). Sadly I gave up my career through his future faking, now I don't even know where to begin putting my life together at 54.
Much the same here (but no kids) - breadcrumbed, trauma-bonded, future-faked and bullied until my career dreams went down the toilet, too, and now at a similar age, I need to start over but have little means,. Any hopes of a decent income in my senior years are fully screwed now, too. How do we recover? To go back to school is to face serious ageism and employment rejection upon graduation, too, and with very few years to pay into a 401k. So many regrets. 😖
@@sablebrown4139 if you can survive a narcissist and still come out of the relationship somewhat functional, you have already achieved so much and it shows your strength, your grit and your tolerance for pain - qualities which now you can use to create and go after the life you want. You got this!
This is absolutely my relationship. I knew there was something not right, but he didn’t typically fit into the overt/covert. I’ve often said I could strut around in black pvc and still wouldn’t be noticed! It’s a very harmful cycle to be in 😢 Thankyou for yr content
Perfect description of my self absorbed Narc Mom. Always unavailable, unreliable, replaces neglectful behaviour with lovebombing. I got so pissed with her one time. "How come you only show so much love and care only when I am unwell?" I snapped . No emotion, no explanation. Still no response and she hasn't changed, never will, I'm done with the Jekyll & hyde lovebombing, even love bombing txts, yes! she can lovebomb text so well and so quick to scapegoat me, once it's just the two of us or situations doesn't meet her selfish needs.That Taught me never to be alone with her ever , no one believes me whenever I try to explain. Sad times Dr Ramani🤗☹️ Painfully important topic, well concealed/disguised by Narcs, Amazing of you to bring this 💯🎯 topic to light and hopefully for us and some to recognise the signs as we embark on healing our fractured caring hearts😕🤗❤️❤️
Educating myself on the last 26yrs of HELL has been an eye opening relief. Being in the middle of it, all I knew was there was nonstop drama and disrespectful behavior. I now know my wife was a covert narcissist during the dating phase and early part of the marriage. As time went on she became a neglectful narcissist. Prior to me knowing what I was dealing with I thought she was bipolar. When I started gray rock, I then recognized she was narcissistic because the love bombing was intense. We've gone thru several hellish cycles of this nonsense. We're presently in a phase right now where I had to go gray rock and silent when the kids aren't the subject. I've mentally checked out for my own sanity and presently getting things in order for a divorce.
I wish there was a love button on this video! Thank you Dr Ramani for this. I am saving this to my playlist so I can watch this over and over. This is so spot on for me and the pieces of the puzzle of my marriage (soon to be divorce) have finally fit.
My dad is stuck in it with my mom and I had to leave. Only was seen when I was entertaining her game or gave her more bragging points for conversations. yet she’s criticize the things she’d brag about. Like “swimming is gonna make your shoulders look manly!” So she’d never go to a meet, or pay for anything. But when someone she wanted to impress would come around and they mentioned liking something similar she’d be like “look at my daughter she’s a swimmer, she’s so good! Just love how athletic she is!”
27 years with her since she was 16. I now have had ulcerative colitis, fibromyalgia and numerous neuro issues for 17 years. 4 months ago I hear about narcissism. It is her. I am devastate, but all the jigsaw pieces fell into place. . . Ffs
I'm stuck in an abusive narcissist "situation-ship" & the only reason why I can't just leave (as bad as I want to) is cuz of money. I don't have no money to move out because I haven't worked in 3 months due to a bad car accident which left me not being able to walk (for now). So on top of being in recovery, almost handicap, pain, panic attacks, etc & ON TOP of that I have to deal with not feeling safe, crying everyday & night, talked down to like I'm worthless, aggressive & intimidating, living in silence because everytime I say how I feel "its a problem" because narcissist do not like to acknowledge or accept reality nor responsibility. I'm the "moron, the dumb blonde, a bunch of things I can't even type on here, everything's MY fault (according to him) even when he hits me, & punches the walls...its still my fault he can't control his rage. N because I don't want to be homeless, I stay until I get money from my car accident & then I could finally leave him & start living life, being happy, safe, loved. I worthy. So are you. We are worthy just like anybody else of safety, protection, love, honesty, laughter, family, success. We are worthy! No more pain & suffering in 2022. I will survive.
I sure hope you made it out by now. Don't forget there are domestic violence shelters too. Google the National DV hotline number. I'd list it, but every time I do RU-vid deletes it.
Gaslight when I ask for something and bomb me with stuff I've continued to say I do not need, I've asked for small things for around my house, "We're on a limited income" then I ask for a simple bed set, and was pigeon-holed into choosing an overly elaborate one, I've since switched the order and let the abuser know.
You just described me and my last narcissist. And I use “last” both in the sense of my most recent but also my final - we are in the process of divorce and I just don’t see myself doing this again. Woohoo! Thanks to you and other doctors and supportive individuals, I am well along on my healing journey. I keep up my work though! I don’t want to forget and backslide. I expect that I will be doing this work for the rest of my life. And that’s ok. It is well worth it. I am well worth it.
My father was a neglectful narcissist in that he didn’t seem to want or need a relationship with any of his children except his son. However as a self righteous narcissist he would be polite and church going in public but rage in private.
It's so sad when as a neglect child programmed to cater to other's needs feeling responsible regulating them in order to be seen and valued you pick a neglectful narcissist who's never going to see or value you and comfortable not making any effort. Such an unhealthy dynamic that can go on for too long.
When I first met my narc, he was "all over me." Kissing & hugging. BUT we did not have sex. It was totally spontaneous too. We became engaged about a year later, and 5 yrs later he never wanted to plan our wedding, go house hunting, etc.. I finally left him. The love bombing blew my mind. I suffered for over a year when I left him. I never knew what I got myself into, but believe me, I'm glad I'm out. I'm sooo much better now. Best of luck to everyone...
You are quite right. It is very exhausting and you finally get nothing but short-term memories that maybe valuable to you only. One moment you feel you mean a lot to him; the other moment you feel you are nothing at all. It constitutes a challenge or a series of challenges. You try all possible methods that may seem to be able to get his attention back. He plays cold unless he wants to be warm. You even work hard to save yourself the horrible feeling that he might be attracted to another woman one day since he is no more satisfied with you. Self-blaming is sometimes a hope for an untried attention-grabbing strategy that may get you relieved and save you being mad at him.
I now know, after listening to this RU-vid channel for over a year, that my husband of nearly 49 years, is a neglectful narcissist. I was clearly set up for being his victim due to my narcissistic parents. It explains why I could never please them. They never actually saw me.
My boyfriend is a neglectful narcissist I'm realizing. We started dating in April many years ago and one day he came in to his apartment holding a bouquet of flowers and he said "These aren't for you. They're for your mom." He'd gotten flowers to put on my mom's grave for Mother's Day, she'd died 15 years prior. I told my maternal grandma and she was so impressed that she told everyone she knew. That's one example I can think of of him "love-bombing."
How mine love bombs is usually after a fight he will suddenly act sweet, seemingly sincere, and doing all the "lovey" things I complained about him not doing. He will even say "see? I'm doing the (thing), you can't say i never do it!" Then after we've had a nice couple weeks he goes back to ignoring me and our daughter. I call it his "honeymooning" stage after near-breakups. I fall for it less and less. I hope the next utterance of Divorce is going to stick. Im not sure what he will be like once he realizes the Honeymooning won't work. Time will tell.
Naming my ex-husband a neglectful narcissist was a huge relief. Thank you for your insights. Love bombing totally took me in as our engagement was short and he was motivated for self serving reasons which continued to be the case on sporadic occasions over our 27 year marriage. The good news is that I learned everything I needed to know about an unhealthy relationship, recognize the signs and limit contact with the narcissists in my life. I now enjoy a wonder life with my perfect match. I am so lucky!
Thank you it finally makes sense to me now how I ended up chasing him instead of the other way around! I worked so hard to get him to notice me because of my childhood conditioning. And I joined a school club committee at uni that he was on so we could work together and he really appreciated me when I was helping him with that. But then I'd go to his place on Sunday afternoon and he'd watch football on TV and completely ignore me like I wasn't there. Instead of getting angry I would just try harder to be the best girlfriend so he'd notice me. He was attractive and hardworking and came from a good family I thought he was perfect husband material. But he treated me like I was nothing for 25 years and I was always begging for his attention.
