To all those who are obsessing about whether or not to leave and how life will be after leaving: Leave! Life gets sweet after we leave. Yes, we still have memories and triggers that slowly decrease with time. You don't need these toxic people! Leave and I promise that in a short time you will be waking up with a smile and going to sleep with a smile. When was the last time you did that? Use the law for all the scary legal stuff thats keeping you paralyzed. Put your head up and stand proud and take the necessary steps to get out of hell into heaven. I did and there is no describing how great it is. I promise that the only regret will be, why you didnt do it sooner. Get courage and get your life back!!! Thank you Duane. Your videos helped me understand what I was going through.
Good point Edna and ultimately we just have to take action. We can sit paralyzed by fear but without action you can't move forward. When I got to the point where I was able to leave it was in blind faith that I am either going to try to live today or die trying. It was such a scary time in my life and I wasn't sure if I would regret it - I wasn't sure if I would end up in a little ball, all alone, feeling worse than I had the previous 2 decades. It was NOT easy and it was scary but you are right - my life is so much sweeter now and I would have NEVER found that without taking that first step...
It’s hard to know not only has your head been duped but they didn’t care about your heart. It’s like waking up and the world is 100% not as it seemed. Twilight zone and insanity is what comes to mind while you’re going through it. When you finally realize it’s them not you is a relief but it hurts my soul. I’m just starting out leaving this 30 year covet narcissist and it’s very hard. But evvverything he’s done and said to me over that 30 year period (which was horrific) makes it easier to not want any more of it ever. It is the most painful experience I’ve ever been through.
It is REALLY difficult Sheli going through this and with 30 years under your belt of emotional manipulation and abuse it is going to take a while to undo that. I hear you about with everything that was done making it "easier" but damn it's still pretty difficult though. The main thing though Sheli is that we do heal from this, especially when we put in the work to deal with it and move past it. Please don't make the mistake I did where I just put it all in a box thinking I was "healed" only to discover that my world came crashing down - those emotions always find their way back to the surface...
Didn't realize I was keeping the door open. I ended it but, yes, I was still dwelling on "it." This was hard to hear, but necessary. IT. WAS. TOXIC PERIOD.
I understand everything very clearly. The facts tell it was crazy mess, it was horrible experience, it was an evil in human body. But sometimes the cognitive dissonance is so huge sometimes. I'm tired wake up every morning with tears in my eyes because of all these devastating thoughts. I need 30 min. to remind myself everything and get strong enough to start my day. I feel like a soldier without war. It has been a hell and the hell is going on in my mind, fortunatelly not so often. The most painful part is he doesn't care and move on so quickly like it's never been, the only one's struggling it's me. Yes Duane, it's an addiction to be hurted, manipulated and humiliated but you know we needed one warm word only and forget everything. I do no contact more than year with him, his family and all mutual friends. It was the very right decision for my mental and physical health. I just don't want to know anything. I was keeping my door opened so long with hope in goodness but received shit. I can't forgive myself but closed this door and locked it although this decision was the most difficult thing. Thanks a lot for the trueth in your message!
I was so lucky. My anger got me through those mourning stages pretty quick. One thing I did, that I think helped me. I got a journal type book and wrote down every bad thing he ever did to me in our 17 yr marriage. From the name calling to the instances that had me crying on the floor. It's hard to argue with 20 pages of emotional abuse. I carried it with me everywhere. A constant reminder of who he actually is. Even though we're divorced I still occasionally jot instances down. Granted, our contact is minimum now (thank God) but you know how they will always try to bait you. Probably until the end of time. 🙄
@Wild Bird if I'm honest with myself, I kind of miss the anger. It kept me on my toes and super motivated. Probably because I was so passive for so long. Wow hoovered after 5 years! They are unbelievable. I think that's why I'm so anti- chit chat. I Gray Rock with just a sprinkling of Bitch in there. Don't want him ever thinking there's a chance in Hell I'd want him back.
This is a very great point to address. You are correct. We hold onto the illusion to avoid the pain of the truth even when they drop their mask. We hold onto the pain to be relevant and fear abandonment. The hardest thing to do is see yourself fully and with compassion. You fear abandonment, you hold onto false hope, and you gaslight yourself all to feel safe. All to not feel the reality that you were abandoned and no one is going to fix it but you. It's hard stuff. Personal accountability for your feelings and why they lead to your choices is hard stuff. But when you can do it you will feel free.
So true Duane. I was there, you have to go through it, no one can go through it for you. I was married for 16 years divorced in 2013 - it took 5 years for me to leave the relationship that I realized I was never gonna have. It was toxic, fake & unhealthy I didn't want to fail at my marriage who does right? I worked hard at my then marriage & failing was not an option! But what can you do when there is only one of you in the relationship? Thanks again for a great video, love them :)
Thank You For Sharing Ur Videos Are So Caring Sincere And So Very Helpful I Chased This Person Thinking He Would Change Running And Seeking Validation.I Never That I Never Got. I Struggle Still After 4 Years Going No Contact .The Struggle Is Hard But It Gets Easer.
So sorry we all suffer while healing but we do learn more than others perhaps...i believe you suffered so that you could be of service. Thank u...hope ur life is full of love now
Congrats, Duane that you do not have recall of this torture in this most crucial topic you brought to the surface here. And so many of us still go into the occasional or for some, it is constant FOG( where I used to be) and/or then relapse or feeling or feeling drawn back IN, CD, of course, taking any bait on a hoover, etc. And like you said, It's okay...we are human. Unfortunately, THEY are NOT. Must Remember! They do not change! YES! Duane, finally I see this all as an addiction...Not a "family"...(who we were addicted to!) which indeed creates an addictive personality in many of us through life till we *get* all you gave us here. YEP! The important topic here! *AND many of us struggling about "family", especially Narc parents still living..somehow... for me...Is worse. NM as you know for me.* I have always been able to let go of *relationships* and not have lasting pain and suffering. Took about 6 months or so! I was realistic about it.....It was sucking me dry...and I needed to survive ...SO...Did end it without so much dwelling pain. IDK why! And though I was left with many serious problems that took me a lot of time, effort and money to clear up that just validated my decision to end it!! With so-called family? ROUGH TIME! Particularly, NM! Okay, I accepted that check she offered me! I was skeptical about it and waited a while before taking it. I asked Quinn Holiday at the seminar Tour he did if I should *take it* or was this the beginning of something I could not see! He said "If it belongs to you and it is rightfully your money? Then, you take it." He was very busy. I was more concerned about seeing her in person to take it and WAS IT BAIT?? I wrote to you in comments on previous videos a few times but you did not see it or was on the run, Duane, as to how to handle this! Hope you get this one. However, I have already accepted the check..it is not a lot but helpful, Just her and me at her home ...alone. Taking a chance there! *AND FOR THE FIRST TIME in my life, that NM showed me kindness, respect, willful giving and gentle, caring feelings(if real or not)toward me!* I did not even know how to handle it. It was shocking to my whole mind and body! What *was* this kindness she finally showed me as if I were human?? I had been NC with her for about 2 years! IT IS NOT about money! It is about regard and not being betrayed...or should say betrayed any further! This check has started something? What has she planned? Unfortunately, my NM made sure my daughter knew she gave this small check to me! Then, my daughter( who could not attend the usual gathering on MD) set up a dinner out with NM with just us three, FOR tomorrow, Thursday as an after Mothers day gathering and GIFT!! *AND NM HAD invited me( by phone that I had only called to as happy MD)o on MD to go to her home *with the minions there on MD!!* WTH??? I politely refused. Oh, Geeze! yes, I am going to this*dinner arrangement* for the after MD acknowledgment to her. Duane!! YEP!! I will use the TOOLS that you gave me! I am considering LOW CONTACT with NM and I guess that has already begun! If you get this, Duane? Please let me know what you think of this? * But, I intend to enjoy MY FOOD!!* This is set up so as I am at no time alone with NM and we will be in a public place with cameras! HERE? Cameras are in all public places and in and outside of ALL stores and restaurants etc! TYSM, Duane! Sorry for this long post!!! Thank YOU! IS THIS a suck back in? Rabbit Hole? What? WOW! TYSM!
Thanks again Duane. This is a critical message that you need to understand in order to get OUT. In the early stages there was so much confusion. When I realised, it was even worse but then at least I knew. Now, I remind myself every day by speaking it out loud. This person has NPD or simila.r I can not turn back time. I can only move forward being the real me.🌻
It really is Kersti and it is these truths that we have to confront to be able to get out and move forward with our lives... It was so darn important for my - and our - healing to confront that reality and to say, like you mentioned, what we know them to be. We have to drill that *reality* into our subconscious so that we instinctively start to believe it!
Yap. I went through the exact same cycle. Living free and selfresponsible on an emotional level again, is such a relief. From a distance I am once in a while wondering how these toxic and /or manipulative people became who they are, to people like us. My conclusion is, that it all results from a total lack of selfreflection. What they especially can't reflect on, is their own shadow areas. And this is something I am finding fascinating to observe. Whenever they hit an area in life, where recongnising their own mistakes or missbehaviours could lead to some insight and selfdevelopment for them, they start projecting. They simply pour out their own garbage over your head, for not having to get in touch with themself. The rest is done by us, because we take their behaviour personal, feel guilty for their inabilities and try to fix it, by sacrifice our own emotional integrity. So I can only confirm your point. Once you recongnise the borderline towards emotional dependency and respect it, you are free. Take care everyone and be sure that there is a way out of your misery! PS It also took me pretty much three years to fully recover !
Thanks Dwayne. You definitely get it. I’m really in the fire right now. Can’t let it go. Even after the betrayal, the breadcrumbing, moving on with another man, I still deep down want her back so much. Even though I want to hate her guts I love her and my daughter.
Going through this now. My ex-wife is BPD not NPD. But there are crossover similarities. It was a marriage of 20 years. And it is agonizing pain. Everything reminds me of her and our family. I still live in the house and there are memories over every inch of it. I watch my kids suffer, I suffer. I even watch her suffer. I understand, but I don’t understand how none of it matters to her. Being in this situation in my mid-forties I never planned on or wanted to be in. It’s awful.
That's really rough Big Chief, can you do anything to change the house up to make it "look" different? Move the furniture (or get new/different items), change the pictures on the walls, paint. Just do something to make it "new" to you instead of being a memory box of pain... I hear you though about being in your mid-forties - when I went through this I was in my early forties and it was REALLY tough. Felt like my life was over and there wasn't enough time to recover. It is just awful, I agree with you on that. But it doesn't stay that way forever!
Thank you for sharing that Wild Bird! I was "lucky" in that I moved into a blank slate and started over - but it was still awful and painful... I like the energy clearing ceremonies - even from just a symbolic perspective that sounds like a great idea.
DSD, I’ve purged the house a number of times. The house was built for us. So short of 5 gallons of gas and match or maybe a bulldozer, I don’t think it’s possible to fully remove the memories. I do try and remember I’m very fortunate to still have my house, full custody of my son, and my daughter is here most of the time. When I think of all that, I feel like I’m just whingeing when it comes to my wife being gone. I was blindsided by her leaving for a shiny new toy, and it happened coincidently after she finished going back to school to become an RN. I found some solace in the MGTOW community for a while. A few years ago the plank-owners of the philosophy we’re still around and it was still very thoughtful and focused on male recovery after divorce. Today I feel like a lot of the content creators have become very spiteful and hate filled. Mostly focusing on a lot of trash talk as opposed to healing and growth. I’ve recently started to entertain the idea of a new relationship. But after plugging in all the variables into the equation, I’m not sure it’s worth the effort at this point.
Borderline/Bipolar/Narcissism/codependents all maybe hurt by gluten which affects the brain/body/personality/mood/addictions/abuse/health issues etc. Fix the root cause...gluten/low sunlight/Vit D3 and you may be more healthy to move on to better relationships/health.
Duane, great work again. From those I've spoken with, and from my experience too, a 2-3 year journey to get back on your road after the car crash is about minimum. These car drivers are toxic and keep on throwing spanners at you for a long time afterwards (narcissistic rage). But if you learn to duck those and carry on, without looking back, life gets much better. Thank you for your wonderful work Duane. You're a star.
Great video. Codependents like us are loyal, forgiving, excessively kind people. That's how we were raised. Those traits are lethal once a narcissist comes into our lives and we don't see it. It is important that we learn to recognize narcs so that our weaknesses don't betray us because once someone is a part of our lives, it is hard to exit them from our lives, even if they are toxic. So we MUST spot them out early and go no-contact.
Timely video, as I struggle into recovery. The one thing I know is that memories & experiences (plus emotions attached to those) need to be worked through/on. Not all the times with ex narc were awful, because had they been none of us would have stopped with them through the abuse. Every so often I dream about the ex, and it's not the ex I miss. It's being part of a couple, holding hands, or making plans. Talking and sharing.. Places we visited. Even things I've worn. I got rid of everything. Absolutely everything. I can't erase memories of the better times, or the abuse so easily. Sometimes I dream about the ex. I hate that. I don't want him back. I don't want anything to do with him. He keeps trying to get into contact and that is impeding me from going forward. But my best friend said 'don't let him have that power & control over you, again:. She's right. But it's not easy. I keep trying. But perhaps time is the greatest healer. Thank you for your uploads that are both helpful and informative.
Hi JD - your friend is absolutely right - but so are you - this is not easy and those connections - especially in the mind - are not easily broken. Time does help because it gives us perspective and distance from what happened. There is a risk that we can romanticize the past and forget the abuse that is why it is so important that we work through (and on - like you says) to make sure we see reality.
I am looking for an apartment for myself and my cats, at times I feel paralyzed. But I am tired of not being free to be myself. There are even certain foods that I can't eat because he gets angry. I know that I don't love him anymore but feel confused about leaving as if I really don't have a reason to leave. I guess feeling that way and being on the internet looking at this kind of videos speak louder than my confusion.
I see that 90 % of the population today has its own narcissistic traits...and it seems I find difficulty in finding genuine and compassionate people in my life...It's bizarre that I have the skills to identify who's true and who's fake...after the pain that I experienced with the Narc, its been 2 years no contact, but still I am having Flashbacks...and sometimes really hurts, seriously hurts...but every time this moments occurs, I tend to call upon God to strengthen me along this struggle...God bless y'all in Jesus name
Love all your videos!!! Thank for your openness to speak from your heart 💜 & soul. Giving strategic ways to break the addiction & move faster to feeling nothing(indifference) ,It has been a minding blowing & soul crushing experience for me especially knowing I loved a personality disordered individual who was such a Devil 👿 . I regret losing time the most & now more time to heal . God Bless You!!! Wishing everyone a speedy recovery 😘😘🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️
Amazing! If I didn't know any better, I would think that you were telling everyone about my personal experience. I looked absolutely crazy! I wanted out, yet, was furious that he had started seeing someone before he was even served with my petition for divorce. I look back now and don't regret my decision at all. Its been 9 years, and it has been the best 9 years, I have had in a long time. I feel so free...finally have my life back...to an extent, we still have one child in common, under 18.
"it's ok to let it go", "it changes by you deciding to do something different", "they have a personality disorder, its toxic".. ...powerful statements of what is needed to recover
They may, if you have left them beg you to return so they can be the one to do the rejecting...I knew someone who did this to his estranged wife...very disturbed people. Run and never look back.....thank you Duane you are a gift.I wish I had had your input years ago.
Oh I hear you Heather, they ALWAYS want to be in control. You are so right that we really just need to "run and never look back" its just so damn difficult. It's like a poison that is in our mind that we can't get out. Thank you for your support and encouragement Heather it really means a lot to keep me going on this crazy RU-vid journey!
This is my exact life right now! 8 weeks since being discarded and a divorce filed. 20 years together and this was her 4th time having an affair. Constant lies, cheating, physical and emotional affairs and I keep begging her back like it was my fault. Duane tells my story in all of his videos. I am struggling to live and function in life right now. This feeling is horrific all day every day
This is very helpful, thank you. Good suggestion, to think, "i dont want to hear from him anymore, nothing", take active steps to protect myself and take back my life... I'd love to be dragged to the finish line. Very helpful to know I have to make the final decision in my mindset to take my life back fully. "release the person" is key. at times I wory I wont be able to get my life back on track :( thanks. xx
As a life-long drinker and a drug taking enthusiast I'd like to assert that your analogy to this phase of denial within the separation actually being a "drug lie" is spot fuckin' on, sir.
Thank you. I needed this ❤️ it’s nice to know someone understands.. you phrased it perfectly with your analogy of “sleeping with the devil” even though I have so much in black and white that shows me what I am dealing with I have my moments of self doubt.. but a year later and what a freaking year it has been.. I’m on the right path. Thanks for your help.
Thank u..bless u...i still get triggered and feel upset at times after almost 3 yrs....it was so crazy and emotional, violent and scary....it is all getting easier in the big picture.
Starr it just takes a lot of time and those triggers will be will all of us - for a while. But as you work through them it really does get easier and they slowly (too damn slowly in my opinion) starts to go away. (It took me over 3 years to start go really heal from this and that last year from 3 to 4 was the darkest time of my life)
It's not easy to let go of an ex. Narcissist or not. It's even harder if an ex is narcissistic, because it was so great at the beginning. And if you have kids together it's even harder. Break up is never easy. But it's not impossible to move on. You helping us with your videos. But I am sure you helping yourself with this. Nothing wrong with that :). I felt invisible with my ex. It was so many emotions at the same time. We all wants to feel needed. We wants to be special to someone. We wants to feel loved. When my ex went to her ex, then I was visible. They broke up. It was her and me again. Yes very stupid. I was invisible again. She broke up. Last week I met her. Visible. I met her this morning. Guess what? I am visible again. But this time I want to be alone. I need to be by myself. She could be there for me when we were together. Not now when we have no contact. I am just a backup for her. Great video as always :). It would be great to see you outside more. Maybe when you walking in the woods. When you travelling. Showing what you like to do. You almost feel like a friend, who we can talk with anytime about anything. Have a nice day :).
It is an addiction like alcohol is an addiction, but hurts the person. Best is cold turkey, but even if it destroys you emotionally. It is not easy to do in isolation. People need support like church fellowship that takes the place of that relationship and then you may move on to a new relationship eventually.
Its really tough Jolie and sometimes I feel weird about being so honest about the struggles with all of this. I would sometime just like to "put this behind me" but if someone isn't willing to "put it out there" and say, "Yes, I felt that way, I struggle the same way, but look at where I am now" how is a person supposed to believe that they can get through this? So often people just put all of this into a box and pretend it never happened. That just means the person going through this feels isolated and alone... So I try and I hope that I can drag a few more people through the door before it shuts.
I cannot relate to being married and divorcing a narcissist. I was fortunate enough not to have that happen to me But... I know what it's like to be an only child and have two coverts for parents. These sinister people really know how to fool everyone around them while they are abusing you in private!! Their goal is to "destroy you" and put all the blame on you so they can get away with it scot-free. It is very hard for someone with a heart and a conscience to wrap their head around the fact that another human being particularly your parent could be so evil. We don't want to believe that they are truly evil but that's what you're dealing with. Once you accept that they are sadistic and there's "nothing you can do to fix it" you can begin to protect yourself and start the healing process. The gaslighting and the projection that they use on you keeps you confused. They want you to "question everything" so that they can mind control you and get their supply again and again. Emotional abuse is "hidden" and the abuser knows that! They also know that you very much want to believe they are good and things will get better. They use your empathy against you and that's why they prey on you to begin with! You have to see them for what they are! They have no conscience and they don't care what happens to you and the longer you stay, the worse your life will get. They want you to care about them more than you care about yourself. You are Supply to them and that's all you can ever be. A narcissistic person is going to work very hard to keep you "confused" because once you wake up and see the truth you're going to get away. They will always work against you!
I dont want him back, anyway! But I feel frustrated, disappointed, very angry... I feel like something was stolen from my soul... And I feel so powerless. Meantime, he seems have everything...
Even though I'm still dealing with the pain and I did everything you said not too and it destroyed my life begged her to come back into my life because I was so caught up with the illusion of fake love she gave to me how good she was sometimes with the kids she'd buy me and the kids anything in the world and still cheat and lie behind my back
Great video! Yeah, I remember the ruminations, it was very exhausting and almost relentless. And the toxic words that were said to me was like a darn echo in my brain too (but not anymore). I've heard from some place (I don't remember where) that the ruminations may be partly due to our brain trying to make sense of what happened. And I think it would explain why it is so difficult and takes such a long time, since our brain has to somehow catch up with the fact that we have dealt with a person whose nature is so foreign and completely different to us. Like you, after a while, I got too tired of the ruminations. I wish that that time would not have lasted as long as it did, but nowadays I feel I am much nicer to myself and think "well, I have learned a LOT from all this, so it hasn't been a complete waste of time". I have also heard from various sources that it often can take up to two to three years to get through it, so it does not seem unusual that it can take such a long time. In my case I definitely feel I am through it, and this makes me happy. I do not think about the toxic person (or more truthfully, very seldom), because, frankly, it bores me :). Which I think is a good sign :). Take care!
Men are hard wired to be loyal and committed to their partners and families even if deep down they know its toxic.... women on the other hand are programmed to be hypergamous which has them constantly searching for higher status and better resources . This gives them the ability to move on quickly free of any guilt , where as men arnt programmed for this disloyalty so end up emotionally destroyed and seeking answers . For all our strenghts , woman emotionally are stronger.
Idk Luc, I think toxic people are just toxic. There are a lot of women struggling with this as well. I just think men have been conditioned to pick crappy people and when we see those warning signs we just ignore them. I’ve know people with really great wives who have been married over 30 years (yeah I’m getting old).
I am shocked you gave a 💓 to the MYSOGINIST! He is spouting MGTOW DRIVEL. Those men went for the females who sprung them the MOST. The women THEY DESIRED without a thought to REAL Character. SO NOW ALL WOMEN ARE...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Part of the problem was : I have a connection with the Nex forever, the kids. The nex will never change, never cared, and will always be awful, always. Looking at that as a future, not appealing at all.
DSD well over ten years with the first ex pretty much but it was the second that made me begin to question things and within a month or two of finding out all the info on narc abuse everything clicked made sense and I very quickly snapped out of it just wish I knew all them years ago from day one however what’s done is done can’t be undone but moving forward I am now wiser stronger in every aspect of my life and I can just about predict every personality just by observation as to what spectrum they could fall under and know that they are more trouble than they are worth as people like that never change sure they may have meds etc to supposedly help suppress their moods etc but they will always be the same person they never change so it ain’t worth the hassle in my opinion if u been through enough shit with one ☝️ why would u chance it again just because someone comes across as nice caring etc does not mean to say that they are never rush into a relationship with anyone regardless of how nice they are if they are worth it they will wait and take their time a narc just rushes into anything and tells u what u wanna hear or what they think u want and they always ask too many questions too early on my advice don’t give away too much in early stages then can’t really go wrong there !!!!! As a narc will study and learn all there is to know about u to use as manipulative tactics but comes across as someone who’s genuine and wants to know u etc it’s a tricky one but it’s how they operate and they always move fast cos the faster they speed up the process the faster they get their fix which is narcissistic supply just like a drug addict that chases highs from drugs it’s no different to that a narc gets highs from kicking a man/woman when they are down and it’s usually them that drags u down it’s all part of the plan as I always say it’s the lack of knowledge that is the issue for anyone when it comes to narcissism!!!!!!
Mr. Man you are so spot on - and I was striving to provide that "American dream" with the stay-at-home-mom and all it did was make my life horrific AFTER the divorce because the system now deems it that I have to provide for her - forever. Its just crazy. In my situation is weird because everything is starting to "catch up" to her and its not like I get any joy out of it - I just want her gone out of my life and I would like the financial tie severed as well. I just had an epiphany last night that she is probably never going to get married so she can claim my social security benefit which means this connection won't ever end without a huge court battle that I would probably lose...
Hi CNA - that is great that it all clicked for you - it took me about another year once I learned about NPD and it was probably the darkest year of my life. I really struggled with letting it all go and I just didn’t want to do it. But I hear you I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER want to do that again with ANYONE. That is one reason why I’m taking my current relationship very slowly - there have not been any warning signs or red flags but I also enjoy my space.
DSD yes but like I said I put up with heck of a lotta s*** for ten years never once during that time did I know about narcissism and was in process of court etc constantly the second time was the charm as wasn’t as bad but the behaviour didn’t make sense which made me question things thankfully we have google etc the internet is ingenious and google is fantastic put in some of behavioural traits and it all leads u to narcissistic personality disorder or one of the spectrums as there’s so many different variables types etc which is why I studied them all better to know the enemy than to be in the crosshairs of one always one step ahead knowledge is the key which is why your doing a fantastic job spreading awareness!!!!
It took 3 months I think, before I was ready to take it on and deal with the aftermath and the hell I was going thru. One day I thought "ok what an I doing I've got to get thru this I can't remain like this the rest of my life". 💪🏼
Hi Pamela, here is the direct link for it - www.dadsurvivingdivorce.com/hypnosis that will take you directly to the website for the relationship pack - the unrequited love file is in the pack. I was in such a space of defeat that the first time I listened to it I actually broke down. This may not work for everyone but it sure did help me...
Great video, again! Okay, so what if you acknowledge that your ex is toxic and you've had enough of their manipulative ways. BUT how do you manage to interact with this person? This is the person who did manipulate you and who did steal $$$ money from you (in my case, I paid her $100k student loans and then she divorces me) - and you have to deal with them because of your children (under 8 yo). It makes me sick to my stomach to just have to "smile and nod" when having to discuss kids' things/sports/school with them. I don't want to be around her or have anything to do with her, but I have to because of the kids.
Hi Luck Eee - that's a really good question. Best case scenario (which I do NOT do) is that you really do just "smile and wave" when you are around them. That is the best case scenario with the kids BUT when you've been used and abused it is just disgusted to sit across someone who has fleeced you. What I've done is I can "pretend" to be pleasant when there is a longer function (like this coming Friday and next Tuesday). But otherwise I'm just very stern and standoffish to protect my boundaries AND to "give her" the illusion that I'm still angry and bitter. In my case part of the reason for that is when she thinks that I'm that way she generally leaves me alone because (in my opinion) she feels like she is winning against me. I'm at the point now where I don't care what she thinks or if she feels like she's winning. I do care if she decides to focus her attention on me because I do not need any "extra" drama in my life. So it sounds like you're in the same boat as I am.
@@DSD Yes, totally - similarly, I do not need any 'extra' drama in my life. I think your advice of pretending is the way to go - likely the best chances of lessening the drama. We all have 'our crosses to bear' and putting up with narcissistic exes is perhaps ours. All the best to you! Thank you for your help.
Its really tough - I hate it when I see someone learning about hoovering they become desperate for their ex to "come back". I was erased as well and that is REALLY tough when you're treated like a piece of trash or that forgotten item that no one really ever cared for in the first place. I don't think many of us are strong enough at the early part of all of this to be grateful for them leaving us along. How are you doing now though Jenny?
@@DSD Duane thanks for responding. Im riding the rollercoaster. About two days ago for no good reason I felt really happy and strong. But the next day was another status quo. Fog. Empty..fear. I am starting to have more days that give me hope but then i sabotage and drink or something else bad for me. One thing i know for sure is i will never look him up. I made that big mistake about 1 month ago. After 8 months of complete no contact....i logged into his facebook because i remembered his password. That was really stupid. I saw all his messages to the new supply. He was calling her the same name he always called me. I thought i got through it ok but i was drunk for the next few days. I guess it really screwed me up.
You just can't believe How and why anyone You shared so much Of you didn't care a Little for u but would Slander your name for what you didn't Do more like for fun Amusement to make Them look good ! That's the hardest part the betrayal make you never Want to trust again ?
Those who abuse alcohol may crave the gluten/sugar in alcohol. Celiac people/gluten hurt people may have many addictions and all are hard to break. Gluten itself is like Heroin and sugar is like cocaine. Food is a drug. Relationships are like a drug. God bless!
I'm at a real crossroads with this Duane..what should I do? Was discarded for 6 weeks back in February and badly devalued several months before...repeating cycles of abuse for 30 yrs now..verbal..mental and physical..a malignant Narc. I got Hoovered back in March and seemed to have become the typical...friends with benefits..since then. He'd started love bombing..taking me for meals again..walks etc..saw me few times a week. Recently..as he moved into his own place...which I've never been invited to..by the way..all that has stopped and just expects to visit me 1 to 2 days a week..that's it..after 30 yrs..travelled many places together in that 3 decades etc..but I feel worthless like nothing..used..we talk by messages in between but 7 days and 7 nights together for so long..reduced to virtually nothing..got too hard to accept..your best suggestion please Duane..be much appreciated as so confused 😣
You know it in every fiber of your being but you desperately want to be wrong. I’m a slow learner too...20+ years and I’m still not out from under the financial domination so I am cohabiting with my ex. Talk about dangerous.
Jenn (Hall) Nodine Go do some part time training in anything that will allow you to get a job and be independent. I would choose to beg on the streets than live with one of these demons.
One thing you say that has help me is when you say it was an illusion. Yep, I loved who he was in my mind. I created a really wonderful man and ignored the parts I didn't like. I figured better to tolerate my illusion then being alone. Love the part about the devil. that is it.
Ugh LadyofCleves I SOOOO hear you about the "being alone" part. I think so many of us get in that part of the trap where the "potential" of validation and love is better than that vacuum. But we just don't realize that is not true - it is better for use to learn self-love instead of being in a fake relationships. Sure there are some "good times" just like a good "hit" but the cost just isn't worth it. Fake will slowly kill you and destroy your soul... I hope you're doing better now LadyofCleves!
@@DSD Oh my he just texted me today, UGH."Well well how are you stranger how is my doll: Ugh. I didn't respond. Thats what they do, they come back just to see if they can get back. I am sorry I every met him.
You know Dewayne I think now and remember how my X Narc held me hostage until my baby fell off the bed so that he could get his fuel from my reaction! This is emotional Rape and physical abuse at its best! All I was doing was taking care of my baby and getting her diaper and clothes from the closet. She w forced to be alone on a high bed for 45 MINUTES until she fell! Then he stole my keys so that I couldn't leave with her. And did I go back to him? Yes! Why? Because I didn't know what real abuse was and I was so ashamed. I blamed myself for leaving her on the bed and hanging her clothes in that closet! This memory still bothers me 23 years later. I just recently divorced and I finally have my own home away from his evil. All for FUEL???!! I did nothing to him to deserve being held against my will for 45 minutes until our 1st born baby fell off the bed. He was jealous of the time it took for me to take care of her. I don't have a job and can't work full time because of my health and I still need his help because of this fact. You video on pay your own way kind of hurts because I feel that if we gave our husband children we did pay our way! I gave him 9 and have been out of the work force for over 23 years. I can't just go get a job because I'm still watching my 3 year old and dealing with poor core from having babies and poor health because of menopausal onset and the stress of his emotionally destructive abuse. My kids believe him and he uses them everyday to hurt me. Sometimes I just want to give up and let him have the kids so that I don't have to fight anymore. It's really hard.
What a brutal brutal situation. However, if you stayed to have 9 kids with him I can only say that you seem to have tied yourself down. Could you perhaps do some part time training in computer skills? Or nursing? Or home care? That way you could get a job and then move out. You could treat it like a secret plan and have faith that the Lord will help you. I am going to pray for you.
@@renegademasters9966 Thanks for your reply. I am free and divorced and living separatly in my own home. I am financially dependant at present. So I have to ask for help since I can't afford to hire out help. Keep the prayers coming please!!! Yes, it was a very brutal evil situation for many many years and I was trapped in codependency wounds. God healed me and I left
I believe so Lords - it's much more difficult to let that go with your children. But at the end of the day a toxic environment is just that, toxic. It sucks because we still can see the innocent child that was stolen from us and it is so easy to blame the ex for that - but at some point - when the kids are becoming adults they have to take responsibility for their own actions. Bottom line we owe it to ourselves to try and find the most amount of peace and joy that we can. If there is something that you can not fix or change allowing that to connect with you and HOLD YOU isn't your responsibility any longer. I know what I'm saying is well - easier said than done - but YOU deserve to have a good life... You didn't do anything to require you to be stuck in this emotional nightmare forever... At least that is my opinion...
My hope Jenny is that NOW that you are learning about all of this you will NOT take 3 years to "get it". If you are really struggling then I would really recommend the hypnosis files I list on my resource tab of the website (www.dadsurvivingdivorce.com/resources ) those REALLY made a difference for me and they might help you.
As a woman I can honestly say...yo are the husband and the boss of the household. Don't give your wife the money. If you have a joint account close it and open one just for you and your wages. If it is benefit money, demand full access to the account if the money belongs to you both and buy the food and pay bills yourself. Demand that she tell you what she is spending the money on and if she is being irresponsible especially with 4 kids and make the steps to correct the problem. You are the man of the house. Be stern with her, fair but kind. Do not get angry and do not raise your voice. Speak in a sensible business like manner.
This story does sound very frighting like my own... The door that I have open.... Recently closed a little more some. Since this past Mothers Day.. I wish things did not turn this way... I have trouble sleeping because of it...
A guy who married a foreign people who just wanted to come to America...is like being used. Cognitive dissonance. Attachments may remind you of family so to divorce a family member may not feel good. They announce the new person, but that is new supply for them to use and that person will eventually be in your place. They don't know how to love and may run from love, but want someone to be with...lonely. Be with someone two years so you can know who they are before you make a stronger commitment. There are millions of women... you don't need to stay in an unhealthy relationship. They are a parasite. Love addiction to an unhealthy relationship only destroys a person/life.
I was suicidal last weekend when she gave me the silent treatment. it happened because she kissed me. It was never met to be anything but friends but unfortunately I had fallen in love with her. she refused a relationship so I respected that. I confronted her about the kiss and she deny it, said it was me and it wasn’t!! I refuse to let her twist it and she fell silent on me. I begged her to stop it and that I will deactivate my Fb and ghost for while because I can’t stand her silence. Within an hour of that message she deactivated her FB blocked my number and disappear not a word!! Her last words where “do I go around destroying everyone’s life I meet” I was always nice to her even in her name calling, punishments and past silent Treatments. does this mean she has gone for good?
Lynn you need to seek help and being suicidal - these situations can be very dangerous and you do not need to go through this alone. If you do not have a therapist in the US you can always call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. I do not think it would be appropriate for me to comment on anything else you written until the suicidal ideation has been treated and resolved. Do you have a therapist Lynn?
Play so what do you do when you reach that point and you're okay with not talking and you don't want to have conversation with them Small Talk none of it yet they continue and your kids are old enough that you don't have to have conversations about snacks and diapers and how the day at school was.
Good question Pheonix. I stay away from her if at all possible. Our transitions are always drop offs so there is no waiting around and you can just drop and go. When she drops off, and lingers outside in my driveway, I stay in the house. The only times I have to do teh "small talk" is during school events where we are near each other. If it is a presentation you just sit there quietly. On the other times were you have to talk then you just muscle through it. For the most part, at least for me now, it's only once or twice a year. After this year MABYE it will be a sports banquet. On the handful of times I was ambushed I just make an excuse that I have to leave and then just leave.
DSD no! I mean he got away with cheating on me and marrying someone else without telling me about it and ending I had to end it but I told him today on fb that karma is going to get him but I think him and his wife our trying to avoid me on fb cus they both seem scared of me now!
DSD I’m having a hard time forgiving him and letting go! Of this anger cus I feel like he got away without taking accountability for his actions though and it is not fair at all to me though! All I wanted was for him to say sorry to me and that’s it! And closure too., but I figured it’s never going to happen and I’m having trouble moving on and letting go of the pain from the past that he has done to me though!
What if you know what they are saying is not the truth and telling lie upon lie upon lie, turning my children, especially my eldest against me. where I have started to feel like I am the narcissistic one, the selfish one for trying to go on with my life but courts and everything else is not getting better... my children believe the lies, my eldest turns against me as soon as he shows love when she does that and chooses his side.
Be nice as pie to your eldest and invite her to watch some of these videos over pizza and ice cream. She will love you for it and also get a better understanding of what a narc is and then be able to recognize her fathers tactics.
Yeah potentially Candy but I don’t tie the channel to my full real name so it doesn’t come up in search. Only a handful of close friends know about the channel otherwise I keep everything on the down low. This has never been about slamming her it’s been a lit trying to help people stuck in a nightmare like this. I’m sure someday it will all come out and I will have to deal with the consequences then. If all of this goes away because of that at least I know I’ve been able to help a ton of people get their lives back! I would absolutely not recommend anyone do this if they are still angry OR in the middle of litigation...
Thank you for your reply. And I knew by listening to you you weren’t trying to slam her and also your motives are good motives for others in that same quick sand situation! Bravo to you for reaching out and spending the time you do for others. 👍🏻
pink on nails take care of yourself in your health because nobody's going to do it and the more you dwell on the stupidity of what those people are doing you're just wasting your life and your health when you could be doing so much more for yourself now get outside go to the parks go to you know art centers go to the store and buy yourself some flowers if your woman if your guy by yourself a plan to do something for yourself and stop dwelling on the stupidness of these evil and worthy people
