making friends when you have autism 

I always screw up friendships for not knowing the stages we are in. Now, i just stay in the most shallow stage to protect myself. I don't want to share anything about me anymore.

I had always just one friend at the time. They were my best friend, I never forgot them. At the same time I was never their best friend I guess.

I’ve always been passive with making friends. I never engaged in asking someone to be my friend, I just kinda waited for people to come ask me to be their friend. I’ve never been great at socializing so I just left friendship up to others so I didn’t accidentally screw it up. I’ve always been ‘the introvert adopted by a friend group of extroverts’ type of friend and I’m okay with that

I think it’s easier to make friends when you surround yourself with others who share your special interests. One expression that I find helpful is that sometimes people are friends for a reason, a season, a lifetime. So you might have some people who are friends with you because you’re all going through a situation and so you bond for that reason. These people may or may not evolve into a deeper friendship. Then there are others who share something for a long time. A good example is moms in the neighbourhood who have children the same age. If there are other common interests, those friendships may evolve. But if there isn’t other commonalities, then when your children graduate and move away, the mom groups often dissolve. This is friendship for a season. Either of the first two groups or even random people who don’t seem to have anything in common can become a lifetime friend. These ones are rare. These are the people you can call at 3:00 am and they will answer the phone. Those friends are one or two in a lifetime. Neurotypical people tend to call everyone friends but those people are more likely acquaintances, reasons and seasons people. Neuro-diverse people are only really interested in the lifetime type, the kind who don’t even feel like people, the kind you can sit in silence with. So I keep the phrase reasons, seasons and lifetime in my head. That way, I’m less often offended by the shallowness of a conversation. Some people go to deep conversations quickly, those are more likely to be the lifetime people.

Great video! Human friendships are sooo tough. It starts with making friends, I have this deep feeling I can't really word - I'm either ok around a person or I'm very anxious. And sadly it is rare when I am ok around a person. I've never understood why it is that way; why I'm ok-ish with one person, then I'm totally anxiety-ridden with another. Then meeting again, the exhaustion of human interaction, life changes etc. Thankfully the cats in Istanbul keep me company, they are my best friends. Life is very difficult in this country, yet my feline and canine friends keep me going, keep me happy.

As a woman just recently diagnosed with autism, I totally relate. You video is an honest, truthful experience. Thanks for sharing.

I will start with saying that the topic, structure and analysis of your video was great. Although there is sincerity in my following comment, it is only said with an intention to interject a little humour. If you wear that sweater in public, you very well might attract the friendship of every autistic person. Mu autistic brain is so curious of it.

struggling soo hard with building new friendships in college right now. the only friends I have are my girlfriend and my best friend, and they're both autistic. i'm trying my best to reach out to these two guys that I have classes with but it's difficult. I'm very nervous about going too fast and scaring them off because it's happened a lot in the past.

THERE ARE LEVELS?!?! this would explain why I'm 30yo and completely alone..

I found this to be well-organized, clearly articulated and informative - I appreciate your insight.

Thank you Lauren for sharing your personal experience, about building relationship, authenticity, emotional regulation and various ways to communicate your intent to connect with people around you. I am a pediatric intervention provider, your platform is an opportunity for me to support neurodivergent clients as they navigate social relationship, including differences in social gestures or body language but not setting aside their individuality. You are such as unique and transparent person.I would like to hear and learn from you.

I'm so glad your making videos again! Thank you for this video, you are so amazing and inspiring 💗

Thanks for sharing, good video. I’m married with two children but still struggle with creating, maintaining friendships, and communication.

Thank you for making this video! It was very relatable particularly below points: 06:48 unless the other friends are already friends with you. 08:08 infact if anyone outside your friend group were to observe they might misunderstand friendship for a relationship which makes things worse. 13:12 this is exactly how I figure out if other person wants to keep the friendship going.

Oooh boy this is so relatable especially when you mentioned the whole not understanding the friendship stages. Been there. Also one other thing I think my autism does is makes the reality of situations super apparent and takes me out of finding them fun. Like I can immediately tell that a theme park is mostly cash grabs and a bunch of glitz and glamour for cheap trinkets and overpriced food. Or that parties are full of people getting horribly drunk and risky situations and way too much noise. Or eating out is just sometimes out of budget or hard to find food everyone wants to eat. Like this really kills the amount of things I want to do with people and makes it hard to find things to do so I can keep my friends around. 😅 I’m a homebody through and through.

this is how I knew I found my best friend. we met online and two weeks later we were neckdeep in the trenches of our past trauma. he's autistic and I'm audhd.

That could have been me talking. That was the most relatable video for me on RU-vid.

This is my first video of yours. I'm stunned at how accurately you've described my experiences. You had me at the beginning when you talked about the stages of friendship, knowing what they are, but not understanding where you are in the stages. Like you, I meet someone, geek connected and then share/dump on them all of my deepest feelings. I'm 66, a retired F. And, i struggle with understanding how someone could need others in their life because of COURSE I should be their end all and be all! (sarcasm). Then I feel rejected. That's something I completely obsess about. The last little thing causes me to feel rejected. Thank you so much for this video.

about the social draining part, does it feel similar to you when you're engaging with people, the same people especially, online or are your limits for that different? it just hit me recently that social media IS socialising so it will have an effect on me too. i've taken a break from it and it has helped! but i can't figure out of it drains me as much as regular socialising. so i was wondering if other people have felt the same and found their limits with it

Thank you for this video! I can relate to a lot of this - especially wanting just one friend who doesn't have any other friends. I didn't realise other people had this issue!

great video! I'd love to hear more thoughts on interpersonal stuff like how you feel about breaking into a current conversation. I'm often meek and that leads to people talking over me

Found this super interesting and very relatable, thanks for sharing :)

I so appreciate you didnt edit out the part where im pretty sure you forgot what you were saying and had a few different facial expresssions and im so glad i noticed because it was really validating as I do this and usually im embarrassed. Also yes to wanting to punch people.

oh god.. i'm 39 and what you said along 11 to 12min, about wether be total friend or get away because don't know if they like you resonates so well with me! tks for sharing

I totally relate to this! Thanks for giving words to this challenging topic.

Excellent presentation! Thank You!

You make so much sense to me

This hurt to watch! This helped me to understand my struggles with socializing even when on the surface I seem to be really good at it.

Very informative video. Im also autistic, but a guy, these are all true. Decided to subscribe to your channel!! Thanks for sharing!

Interesting and very relatable video, thanks!

I can relate so much to this! I'm struggling to make friends and always have. During childhood I felt so left out in school and I didn't know how to connect to people. I wasn't interested in talking about the same things and I've realized I was dissociating because I had issues with eye contact and to talk to strangers. It's very hard for me to feel safe. It feels like everyone's judging me. I think that's the black and white thinking. I felt rejected because I was so different.

Very good video, thanks! I am 54 now and still it is the same for me.

I can absolutely read people so far as if they're sheisty or unsafe, but do I have a clue if they think I'm cool or want to be my friend? Hell no, not a bit. As long as I'm outside looking in, and not a part of the interaction, I can read intentions and all that stuff so accurately. Maybe in my case part of my issue is how much thought I have to put into being in the interaction that I miss everything else.

Omg-im 57 and have never had anyone describe ME LIKE THIS BEFORE.

Yeah, I remember when I tried seeking diagnosis, I was told “I don’t think you have autism because you want friends.” That was so frustrating.

I know exactly how you feel in every way.

I love the self awareness! Though I don't particularly enjoy the fact that autistic individuals are forced into this self awareness. I am autistic and have realized that I had to grow up faster than my peers in order to appropriately integrate into society.

Vibes!

I always assume i am NOT anyones friend unless i get explicit confirmation. I'm terrified to make that mistake again! Its much safer to be alone😂

Thanks for this. Waiting for my ASD assessment. Any advice on what to do when friends don't return your messages?

Bodylanguage is easy, if you bought the right book and leaned the right things.

❤

On body language: When everyone around you is Daft Punk.

I agree with almost everything! Except for that conversations with autistics are bad or one-worded :( I've had the best conversations with other autistics but maybe some autistics are like that

08:01 Darcey Lauren: I'm sorry, I didn't know we had an Open Friendship???

more then special friend ? 🤣🤭🤫😉😘

🤔hmmm how to make friends when you involuntarily make people feel inferior... too many don't want to grow and learn.

Should we be in friendships ? I don't respect anybody whos not me but I respect them enough to stay away from them . God forbid a girl friend . Could it be just me ? ( Yes I am a beautiful snow flake.)

Mmmm pass. I'm good.

Fern Brady was so right. Hearing upperclass coddled women talk autism feels so hollow. After being abandoned by my mother as a child(as so many autistic boys are), having to physically fend off for myself again and again, spending half of my adult life on the brink of homelessness, having the rug pulled from under again and again, having almost all I have stolen by a woman who said she loved me listening to Patricia complain about how she's oppressed because she can't openly be obsessed with horses drives me crazy.

Why does everyone in this young generation think they have autism?