Midweek with Dr. C- The Profoundly Confused Narcissist 

My family is deeply dysfunctional. Their lives are chaotic. I divorced myself from all of them. My life is wonderfully quiet and peaceful. Yes, I miss them now and again but nothing could make me want to trade in on the peace I have on the daily.

It's the deep-seated hatred towards me that really hurts.

Their "compliments" are actually flattery. They use them to reward people who do their bidding or to butter up someone they want to impress, or whom they could use. It's never simply an honest acknowledgement of someone else's merit - they can't do that because they are too envious. People in their bad books will never receive a flattering remark or any appreciation because they can't do anything right.

I was just visiting w/ a friend that has been married to a narc for 53 years....I had sent her one of your videos and she opened up to me about her NARC hubby...she said ...."he is truly a narc"...... SOOO GLAD I'm learning from you Dr. C.... THANK YOU !!!!!

Maybe you could address that topic one of these days I am 64 and because of harsh narc up bringing ny maturity was stunted it took alot to overcome my shortcomings and gain a healthy life and I feel for those who struggle with the effects of their abuse

I have been the scapegoat in my family for 72 years. So happy I know all about this and have learned how to deal with it. There is no love in "one-upmanship", it is all about self for no other reason than to demean someone else to appear superior. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with those who are always in competition. Also, we become like those we hang out with no matter who they are, the reason I choose to be with those who demonstrate love, not just say the word love, but who don't have to say it because they live it. It was laughable on Facebook one time someone asked me to "unfriend" them. Why didn't they unfriend me, I told them to feel free to do that. It makes me think they wanted to be able to say I unfriended her so she would not be the bad guy. These kinds of people play silly games and anyone who would listen to them deserve each other. I blocked her because I had no desire to put up with her silliness.

If only we could whip out cardboard cutouts of ourselves when facing conflict with a narcissistic individual! Here, "Hollow Human," meet " Cardy the Cardboard person!" Enjoy! Stay Healthy!!

The stress is overwhelming.

The only way to win a mind game with a narcissist? Don’t play.

It was great to see you today Dr.C. Looking good 👍

Its so nice to have you back ❤ Glad that you had a refreshing time away including good food!! You are valued & appreciated. Thanks for your leadership of 'team healthy'.

They tell you they are tired of YOUR drama, and they will not speak to you for days, if you say another negative thing about them.

Two things I really appreciate about Dr C - as well as informing us: he encourages us to focus on how WE want to be and act. And he's so SENSIBLE ❤ Down to earth I guess.

Glad u had a nice vacation 😊

all this applies to my adult son....I went & am going thru turmoil with his behavior. Tears my heart apart. Dr Carter YOU are getting me thru this. Understanding this sickness helps me get thru. Thank You.

They are not confused, they are demons.

Hey Dr C. Missed you, so glad you are back I am watching on pay delay LOL. So I just got the information yesterday that my ex narcissistic boyfriend died. This has been a journey for me to go no contact and doing my work to heal and you have been on this journey with me you and team healthy for 3 years so how I'm feeling today 1) no regrets 2)no remorse 3) no anger 4)no resentment and I pray that he is at peace I just needed to share that❤

The resentment is palpable.

You were missed Dr.C. Bet Guss was glad to see you! Communication with the narcissist is impossible to start with, add their ability to "ACT" evasive and no clue, and you wind up with an angry person who turns on you like a mad dog! So just don't bother. I just stop the conversation and walk away. They cannot regulate themselves. They are always "Right"!

Glad to know you had an enjoyable holiday over there!

It's so bizarre that anger is actually for healthy/good people - they are the only ones who can actually receive healthy anger and it can work out.

Welcome back, Dr C.

44:43 On the question of the flying monkeys. This is something that I had pondered too. My take, after many years now, after going NC and observing the flying monkeys is this: Flying monkeys cannot stand seeing a person (myself) get out of the familial entanglement of a covert narcissistic mother. In their minds, people aren't allowed to make that choice. It really does offend people that I got free. That I turned my back on my own mother. After many years, I understand that the flying monkeys who judge me without even knowing me, are showing me that I need to stay far away from them. They're not on team healthy.

Dr Carter! I love your voice ! And that you are slightly self conscious about this! You are so kind beautiful and helpful! Your voice is one of your signatures and I could recognize you in the dark! Not to mention your Texas accent! You are the best!

I just want to thank you again for all the good work you have been doing for us. Not only has the information you have provided allowed me to begin to reclaim my freedom but your continuing release of videos has provided much needed support. I doubt that I could withstand living with a narcissistic husband without your continuous support. Who would understand our situation? The opening, alone, to this video greatly helps to clear away the cobwebs-- regarding the narcissist specifically and more generally to some of the "public". Wishing you all the best.

Thank you so much for the last part of this video in which it's been very hurtful after decades of Narcissistic Abuse and yet he gets all the attention from my kids. He's a Narcissist, very negative, abusive towards me and insulting when I've been around. I've been the alienated parent. Now grandparent. But he is financially successful. Gives them jobs and opportunities through his business that I can't give. It is very invidious. Their father has no respect towards women and the strategic abuse towards me is manipulating, calculating, competitive, bitter resentment with absolutely no empathy or compassion. Everyone has been an extension of his Narcissistic supply.

Have you done a talk on leaving and breaking the cycle? It's very confusing especially when they're elderly. My brain hurts but I'm slowly getting hold of my self emotional regulation... It's tough! Especially I realise they don't actually "see"' me as s separate real person.... It's hard to drop all compassion though. Glad you enjoyed the UK and hope you got some good weather, it's been bit temperamental.

Dr.C welcome back I hope you had a great time!

You know Dr C !!? In this video @ 12:00 min is one of the reasons I have been watching your channel Because not only that I wanted to understand my childhood better but because of how I was raised just these simple things you explain helps me to know myself better and how to be a better person Thank you 👍

I went into therapy at 57, initially because I was at my wit’s end from all of the impact of dealing with loved one’s addiction issues and experiencing spiritual abuse and having to leave church community. My mother began to start bringing my family of origin into conversations I had with her that, in my mind, had nothing to do with them. She wanted to rewrite my perception of my father’s severe alcoholism and its impact on our family. I was shocked that she believed he was just a sweet drunk and that it had no impact on us kids, since my brother had actually caused a death by driving drunk, and I never had a real relationship with my father because of his addiction. They had scapegoated me and blamed me for how my father treated me. I continued to try to just let her have her false reality and have a relationship, but I have had to greatly distance myself, because I realized that they never stopped scapegoating me and my golden child older sister remains enmeshed with my mother, and will never stop being condescending to me and being the expert on our family and the rescuer of my mother. It has gone so far as to set my oldest child apart as being more my sister’s child than my child. I continue with therapy, and all has been very difficult.

13:40 It feels absolutely bizarre when the narcissist will absolutely go off on you, maybe over nothing, and then they'll give you this silent treatment for weeks over this supposed "thing you did wrong"....only to later seem to not even remember that they were upset depending on whether or not it benefits them to commit to the narrative or not. They seem so genuinely angry at you, so much that they feel the compulsion to yell at you and then shut you out. Their anger doesn't make any sense but they INSIST that it's valid, dig their heels in and fully commit to this emotion. You think "Okay, it MUST be real - I just don't understand it, I guess." But if you let them go and don't chase them or beg them to speak to you, you'll get a bizarre attempt at reaching back out to you. After weeks of holding a grudge, they will say things like "lol let's just go back to normal.... I don't even remember what we were fighting about!" It's like it was SUCH a huge deal in the moment and it put you through absolute hell, and then it turns out that it was actually SO meaningless to them that they don't even remember what they were mad about. It's hard to know if they are really that dense and "forgetful" or if they are just playing dumb because the fighting and grudge holding no longer works to get them supply. Then from there it's like they flip flop back and forth between whether or not they still feel the same way about "what you did wrong" or if it's no longer a big deal to them. It's this constant inconsistency and forced guessing game that keeps you stuck in this web, always trying to anticipate how they will react or not react to things.

Welcome back Dr C! Glad to hear your throat condition is not so serious!! Thank you for all your advice!

The Ick Factor The hardest part of trying to maneuver through this to a safe exit is when they know you know and you know, and they think they pummeled you into going along with their transactional relationship. Total subjugation.

I live 45 minutes away from Los Angeles, California. I've lived here for 40 years and from my experiences with people, I'd say about 10% of people here are NPD. I'd say another 40% are NPD Light or flying monkeys for the 10% NPD population. I've never had a job where the manager wasn't NPD and a supervisor wasn't NPD. Usually 50% of my coworkers have been NPD Light of flying monkeys for the NPD managers and supervisors. It's rare I can have a conversation with someone and not get one upped immediately. Sadly, few people can just be happy for me when I mention something I've accomplished in life. This seems to be an NPD/Entitlement Culture here southern California. There must be a critical mass that has been reached in American society, seeing there are so many popular RU-vid channels that are talking about narcissism.

Your channel has helped me so much, thank you

Thank you Dr. C, you've helped me so much in dealing with and understanding the effects of my narcissistic parents in my life. Knowing I'm not the only one who has gone through these terrible situations. My assumption as a child and throughout my life that I was no good and had no value because my own parents didn't love me was not true, I know now. It's difficult picking up the pieces but I know I'm worth it now, thank you again and bless you and your family, including Gus❤

Married the malignant narcissist just has NO kindness in his heart. Been bad a long time just uttterly nasty. Also divorced that same malignant narcissist after 25 years of marriage 30 with dating. So freed. ❤️

I think it's great that you focus on the better alternatives. I am aware that my upbeat attitude can lean toward toxic positivity, though I am a firm believer that the energy we emit is the energy we attract. I would much prefer to manifest healthy relationships to dwelling on all the damage caused by the various narcissists that I've encountered. You've helped me be aware of the things that I want to repel, and also of how to be open to the things that I'm looking for, so you offer access to the best of both worlds!

Omg. I’ve met a flying monkey a few years ago. He was a temp supervisor at work. Then he went back to craft. A supervisor told him one day to move the product to the machine for processing. I saw it all go down. This man turned around to try to tell me what to do. I laughed at him and clocked out for lunch. Even though I didn’t know what a flying monkey was I knew I wasn’t going to be a carpet.

Lots of history in the UK. Haven’t been yet but maybe some day. Glad you’re back on home turf Doc. Cheers.

You were missed Doc

Welcome back, Dr. C!! Glad you enjoyed your trip to the UK!!

Both my kids treat the narcissist to a great big father's day. The narcissist pays them to stick around. And the kids just can't let him go.

The way my kids treat the narcissist father better than me makes me want to disown them.

100%. Two nervous breakdowns and he was trying to do it to me again. He targeted me by sleep deprivation so he could claim I was so crazy so that it was excusable to abuse me. My kids and grandkids are lost to me. That was the blackmail to keep me there. I raised them and sacrificed my happiness. Tough beans. He’s got so much integrity (Lol) that my truth is invalid. Misogyny is cultural and is a common reason to mistreat women. My bad. Once internet porn got good there was no reason to treat me like a person. I need to rethink my future without family. For certain there’s no reason to hang around if I get sick because there’s nobody to hang around for. And there won’t be anyone going forward. I have PTSD and I can’t live with or trust anybody; except my friends who understand. Not one of them is divorced and all their kids are wonderful; none of them would want to live without their families.

Hi Doc - i just gotta give you a bump. You are excellent at answering questions. Great content. My narc dadinlaw visiting soon. i'm prepping 😂

Is it possible to be a narcissist with paranoia ?

Dr. C! I am glad that you had a good trip with your wife in the UK! How fun!

I have no issue calling them a narc after months of Bs and improper adulting

Hi, so pleased to hear you enjoyed your holiday to london, I live in Wales now and originally from South London/Surrey area. I Have learnt so much from your channel, many thanks.

Love your artwork, Dr C! Glad you had an enjoyable vacation!

I grew up in California and in school in 5th grade all of us are singing "50 Nifty United States from thirteen original colonies...." at the Anaheim Stadium for a show with our parents. My diagnosed Narcissist ex husband born and raised in Alaska still says today "ohhh ughhh you can all kill yourselves down there in the States I don't care what's going on!!!!'. I'm very political and concerned about our state of affairs. So just popped into my head when you said they see everyone else as "out there.." so true in so many ways...lol. Thanks. Kept it lighter this time. The real issue with this video is the secrets and deceptions. It's been heartbreaking.

Welcome back Dr. Carter.

I’m so happy to have come across your channel. So great 💜

Thank you Dr. C @Surviving Narcissism ...for answering my question at the 35 min mark. I am the mother :-)

Glad you are back and feeling well!

I have the same acid reflux problem. A tablespoon of pickle juice once a day helps me. Love your message! ❤❤❤

Pistachios can be a great natural remedy for acid reflux, and they're tasty too. Thanks for everything you do for Team Healthy and all of us, Dr. C!

Narcissists will do and say some crazy things to get attention from others they have a need to feel important. I don't hear much about the joking type of narcissist but if you come across one just think evil clown and walk in the opposite direction better still run.

Congratulations 😊

Welcome home Dr. C.,🌹you were missed and I hope you rested your voice like a narcissist!

Absolutely. I have been under the grips of Controllers in which I have had no freedoms to do what I had dreamed for, for so long. Yet they turn around and do exactly what I wanted to do it's so heartbreaking.

9:41 I was too! I bought (invested) in a sleep number bed and had to go to a liquid diet for 8 weeks. The damage had healed but what an eye opening experience. Feel better Dr!

You are the best 👌

Thanks!

Glad you got to experience the UK, I hope it was a good trip. So many people here with so much heartache, I hope you are all surviving, stay strong everyone.

So as most say narcissism exists on a spectrum... so one person is mild narcissistic other a classic full blown narcissist, or may be some exhibit more than others. So how do we explain "there's no one there" for the spectrum? So do a low level narc have a lil bit of someone there? Where as a classic full blown narc has none there...?

Hahaha. It’s not a dumb question about changing the narcissist, trust me, I found the hard way as a child. That said, you can’t make someone respect you when they don’t respect themselves.

QUESTION-Perspective: I shared with a friend that I feel deep heart hurt about what occurred in a past relationship. That's just what I'm feeling, when the subject is touched on. She told me I was holding onto a "victim mindset" because I still felt hurt by the experience of the relationship. Yes, I'm learning my lessons. Yes, I accept my choices and the situation that unfolded. I do not feel "victimized" I just feel heart hurt. Your thoughts on the distinction between the two; "victim mindset" (which I would say is a 'feltset') and genuine heart hurt?

Narcissists seem to think everyone psychology is like theirs 😅 My brother is a narc and called his partner a narc and a psychopath. 😂😂😂 Dude's thinking was almost psychothic.

For the record/ wonderful; again; wonderful

I have a cousin who like me is the family scapegoat. When her parents died, the inheritance was split between her and her nephew (her brother had died). Her narcissist sister in law felt she has a right to my cousin's inheritance. The reasoning is baffling to me. I would never expect to inherit from my in laws, or for them to provide for me. Many in the family support the sister in law. It makes no sense to me. I would be interested in people's views. Flying monkeys I suppose.

I hope for some videos about narcs in the workplace. Navigating a toxic workplace is a neverending stress.

I'd love to hear what you've heard in therapy sessions from narcissists. Without giving away anything specific, of course. Do they admit they feel superior to other people?

Wow! Time difference always confuses me. I hope you are rested.

Exactly 💯

I am new to your program & so grateful for your advice. My question: Is it possible to have narcissistic traits as well as borderline personality disorder traits. I have an older sister, we are both in our 60s. My sister pretends to be nice, sucks me in, then out comes the pus dump with vile language. It's a cyclic pattern. I feel guilty but have ceased contact for 4 years as I've had enough. Thank you🇦🇺

Exactly. That's my ex-husband to a tee! So mean and hateful.

@SurvivingNarcissism are there narcissists that actually wish other people well? Or would that be a case of an extremely 'resocialized' narcissist who, for whatever reason, made an effort to better himsel?

Sorry I missed Team Healthy today. ❤

Thank you so much for all you do, Dr C. Please can you help, because I don't even know what I should be searching for to help myself. I've been the scapegoat to a covert narcissistic mother all my life. I have never dared to say a word out of line to her and am terrified of speaking out to anyone. If I try, I shake uncontrollably. How do I overcome this? Is there a term for this condition so that I can search for help? Thank you so much. God bless you ❤

Thanks dr c, next time you visit the uk, try further afield. The rest of the uk is very different to London ✌✋

I have a question you may have already answered. Are narcissistic people also codependent? Whether they are overt, covert/vulnerable, malignant etc.

Tonight we have Jimmy Thackeray and the Drivers. Drive to Survive etc

Hi Dr. C, have you tried gluten free? It fixed my acid reflux in just a few days. Thank you for speaking up regardless!

Some people with a mental health guy ignosis.Use that as a cover for being mean

I can't believe these 6 downvotes. 😂

Dr Carter I was in London from 20 -28 May. Wouldn't it be funny if I ran into you at some museum or other?

Dr. C. I have a question. Since my mother’s death my siblings have never made any effort to contact me in any way except to badger me about my mother’s estate during probate. They never talk to me or contact me. I hear that siblings usually try to make you feel isolated and guilty when you don’t go along with the family disfunction. Can you tell me what exactly are they doing by being this way? What do they hope to accomplish by doing this?

Hello Dr Carter, I also have acid reflux. Can I ask what medication you are taking? I’ve had it a long time but am not aware of any medication. Thank you 😊

Drink A LOT of water, Dr. C.

Dr. Carter, are you saying that only malignant narcissists can have NPD, and vulnerable narcissists can't have the disorder? Mine is a vulnerable narcissist, but she seems to fit NPD and almost all the behavioral quirks and common phrases that are amazingly common among them, except the ones that would be considered truly evil. She's not physically violent, doesn't tell me I'm worthless or anything like some reportedly do - she is much more subtle. For the most part she's "moral" and won't even talk bad about people, except me. Is it impossible for a generally moral person to have it? By the way, I'm planning to go into therapy again and thinking about EMDR.

They be :a double-narcissist :)

3:00 A sprinkler?

Very helpful Dr c, but where is Gus?

What is this buying of thank yous...2.00...i don't get this

Some insincere compliments may serve the purpose of diminishing you. E.g. a friend writes in a social net how beautiful I am in the picture which appeared accidentally and which I didn't place there . I know that I don't look well there, my friend sees it too but is paying me a compliment.Well, I'd call it a false compliment.

Hey Doc. I Live in So. Ca. Rural, I have a Family from London Move close by, Had Opportunity to Interact with them and Visiting Relatives over 25 years, Definitely Interesting 😮. What is the saying, Mad Dogs and Englishman. What did Gus do while you were in U. K.,and was he Mad he didn't get to Go🎉

1. Everyone is a Narcissist.. A snake can pick out a snake..

These types = ?