My anorexia is terrifying me 

I have been anorexic since age 13 and I'm now 41. I will never recover. Don't be like me. I was in a coma last year and nearly lost my life.

Two years late to this video but, it really does become all consuming, I usually try remind myself I’m stuck in my head, and there’s a world rolling around outside. It really is hard, I feel this, You can submit yourself, give in to inpatient, atleast then, if your brain dives you to the absolute bottom, you will be looked after. I’m sending so much love x

One thing that really helped me was coming to terms with the fact that there would NEVER be an option that wasn't scary as hell. From there, I had to choose to change my narrative. What I mean, is that eating disorders will do EVERYTHING to keep themselves alive. They will have a person spend years going over the pros and cons of any and every option as far as "treatment" goes.... so long as you don't actually MAKE a decision. You said that you love your boyfriend and your job and you don't want treatment to disrupt the good things, and that it will set you back in your mental health. I do understand this... but at the same time, as you said, you ARE dying. Part of changing that inner narrative might be allowing yourself to consider more than what you believe. It's borderline impossible to shift a thought from "it's going to mess up all the good things I have going on if I leave to do treatment", to a drastically positive "everything will be better if I get help".... I don't know any person who has recovered that just chooses to be well, or has successfully "set aside" a chunk of time for when they are "ready" to get better. BUT, what if you considered both statements? What if you said "I don't want to risk messing up the good things, but I need help, and I am going to risk things getting really messy in a bunch of areas of my life that currently FEEL like they are stable and good, but I recognize that I am dying, and in order to physically survive long enough to see where these good things are headed, I'm going to take time to heal my body and my mind and my spirit." Its taken me a VERY long time to allow myself to see two sides of things. DBT therapy changed my life. Instead of just thinking things like "what if I gain weight and feel the fullness of my grief and I freak out and I have to quit my job..." I ALSO might think "what if I gain weight and I feel the fullness of my grief... and I get stronger over time and I practice emotion regulation skills, and slowly, over months, feeling emotions isn't so scary and unpredictable, and what if instead of self sabotaging I just asked my employers for some time off if I need that?" What if, and all-or-nothing thinking, keeps us sick. Because the result is the same.... ED gets to continue right on, for as long as we stay stuck trying to figure out the least painful option. But here's the thing. There IS no least painful option. Every option is going to have a different pain. There might be loss. But the people who do recover - like the legit FULLY recovered people... The difference between them and those who stay in quasi-recovery forever or continue to relapse... they make a decision that they are WILLING TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR DISORDER. That might mean being honest with people that you find out they drop you. That might mean taking time off of a job that you love, and that job is given away and you never get it back. That might mean gaining weight and having to get rid of ALL of your favourite outfits. It might mean asking your partner to be patient, and then finding out that they don't have the skills or maturity to walk alongside a person in recovery, and it might mean losing that relationship. I'm not saying you have to do all or any of these things. I just want to remind you that, while your insight to your illness is a wonderful thing, try to remember that most people with eating disorder are experts on their illness. Most of us have researched the heck out of it, we know every single symptom and website and health problem and tips and tricks and we all fawn over each others "what I eat in a day" videos.... We do WHATEVER we can to do everything BUT get better ourselves. We live vicariously through other people's recovery videos, and we push our own recovery off to the side until we feel we are "sick enough to recover"... Which makes no sense, because it's a mental illness. Most women and men who die from anorexia/bulimia are not even underweight. I hate how messed up the system is.

I'm sending you so much love. I'm currently in recovery and it's seriously hard! I don't feel like the NHS does enough sometimes, but I hope you can find light in all the difficulties you are experiencing. You're wonderful and so incredibly strong

It's really impressive to see you now compared to this video. Truly amazing and inspiring 🥰☀️

My anorexia started when I was 12 years old back I the early 2000s and for me there was not many recourses for me to go to..i had to recover on my own and it was horribly hard. I’m 30 now and had a mini relapse a few months ago and now back in a quasi state. I would recommend please do not turn down an sort of help or recourses, even if it is being in a hospital setting or speaking with an therapist. Take advantage of it all. Prioritize your mental and physical health together.The eating disorder is telling you should not go for x,y,z reasons...it’s so hard not to cater to ED, so I understand 100 percent. But there is only one reason that should out do all the others...YOU. It’s scary because ED knows he is on his way out and you are fighting him. Opposite actions is what is helping me, I try to do the opposite of what my ED tells me..easier said than done, know :( Please don’t surrender, darling. I understand you and I see you. ❤️🤟🏻

Dending you lots of love and strenght!! I didnt see a way out either but now that I'm finally fully committing to recovery I'm begining to see it

As a someone who was in self recovery binge was part of it , like you will binge at first almost as much as you had restricted in the past weeks,months,years.. etc , you need strong mentality to just not getting rid of the food bc your body need it , remember that it’s just for a period of time so when your body is full recovery your body will stop binge unless you back to restrictions it will back to binge again Hope you getting better sending you all love from ksa🤍🌸

I have similar feelings right now. In the past, it was quite easy. I hated my body that is why I starved myself. When I solved that, I recovered. Now, 8 years later, I don't have body image issues anymore. I don't hate myself. I don't want to die. Everything is going really well for me. So why the hell am I relapsing!? I'm really confused.

God is with you wherever you go and I’ll pray for you I’m in recovery ✝️♥️

I hope she's well now ❤

Please go back to your Doctor. Try to figure out how you can get some help. Electrolyte imbalances kill. Sorry to be so blunt; but you can have a heart attack without warning signs. You are valuable...there is no such thing as'sick enough '. Please just reach out to someone💓💓

I dont really have advice because im not experienced/knowledgeable enough about eating disorders but just know that I'm sending you love and I believe that you can do this. 💛 Also although it may seem to you like you are difficult to love at the minute etc all of those that love you see you as so much more than your eating disorders, even if to you they are all consuming at the minute. 💛

Keep strong Nicole, you’ve done it before, you can do it again! ♥️

What i do, is i eat a really big bear crawl doughnut. If i eat only one thing every day. It has to be really calorie dense. Its not much, but its a start.

Woah, I think we're at the same place right now. Everything you say sounds so relatable to me. We won't die, okay?

Ocd with anorexic it’s brutal

Can relate to this so much I can't tell you!! Don't know what the answer is either. I think that the fortisip /ensure drinks are a good idea as you're unlikely to want to binge on them and they will help with the anorexic weight loss..... I know it's still hard but easier than a food based meal plan?! Sending you so much love ❤️

I have been recovered for many years my mom put me in a group with recovered people and it saved my life. If I can help anyone out there please reach out to me

It's okay

you really really must trust me on this- promise just get enough physical exercise as you can and the fear and the self doubt will pass--it's not a mental problem or a big deal unless YOU DECIDE it's a big deal-in the scheme of your long beautiful life this is NOTHING. Im 57 and lovely and confident and gorgeous and time goes quickly. It's just a THANG right now but sweetheart, PLEASE

Your family doctor can help with anti-depressant, so you can get professional help.

Sending love and support ❤x

Is she ok now 😢