Don't do it hon. I have always been a monogamous person but my own insecurities caused me to accept my boyfriends offer of an open relationship. It separated us eventually. Never lesson your worth to accept an open relationship..If your not enough then it's best to move on.
Plus, I don't want anything that even ajax want scrub off. I learned my lesson I'm not insecure now. We all been Ho's but hell, now I know for sure I don't want one.
If my lover/partner/boyfriend/HUSBAND, wants to be intimate with another man, then I am not providing him something he needs. IF I can't fully that need and he MUST have it...we are not the couple I thought we were. It would end us, it's that simple.
Wow, that sounds dismissive. What about the poly person staying committed to the relationship and figure it out as a mono relationship? Why is the mono always expected to accept the change or else they aren't "committed" enough?
I know a couple who has a nice relation for 11 years. At the beginning was closed and later open relation. Problem appears when one of the guy fall in love in someone else.
this happens in monogamous relationships all the time. the only difference is in an open or polyamorous one, you don't have to abandon someone you love and care about.
When people finally be able to acknowledge that relationships have expiration date sooner or later, this question won´t be even a discussion. If any partner asks that question it wise to assume you are officialy a cockold or he is just about to cheat and wants to lessen his guilt. So be prepared for the worst.
Question is "what's the benefit of being in an OR?" having sex with others and keeping a safe net(relationship/marriage that comes with a home, economic stability and actual care for the person you have intimacy with) to fall on at any time? Why would you step outside of the plate when you are already getting the good things from your partner? For me it sounds more like one or two are not being satisfied. Personally I think satisfying your partner is something you do because you care for him/her so giving pleasure is something that comes naturally(this should come from both of we can consider it a solid relationship). With that being said if you are not being satisfied that means you are not being loved enough, might as well just break up and find someone who can provide what you need, which is most likely love. I got the idea that people that end up opening their relationship are just not in love anymore but can't admit it cuz they are afraid of losing their safe net so they try the OR thing, I mean come on, who would walk on a rope(feel free to give the rope a meaning down in the comments) without a safe net there keeping you safe?. Let me know guys if you think I'm tripping or something. I'm not religious at all but I consider myself someone who can't separate love and sex, I always do it with a very passionate drive which made my ex girlfriend crazy everytime we had intimacy, so me doing it with someone else would mean me giving love, something I would never be able to share since I consider myself monogamous. My girlfriend thought the same and that was the reason we had a very solid relationship, but because of me deciding to never had kids we had to go separate ways, which led to our break up.
Both videos on the subject put the pressure and blame on the one not wanting to open the relationship. They should think of why etc. But what about the one that wants to open? Why to they want it? Why should this be better? What is more important for them? The more videos I watch on this channel, the it seems to influence open people into excusing everything right they do and others are still stuck in their personal development. You seem more an activist than an ecucator and certified coach for the point of view you always take in consideration is just one. The topic seems never to be viewed from different perspectives. I'll better stop watching. There's no point in me getting more and more annoyed. My apologies for the flood of comments. At least it was teaching short journey.
Hi Le Pete and thanks for engaging with the videos! It's not my intention to pressure anyone into any type of relationship. I firmly believe that each person should choose the type of relationship structure that is right for him and his relationship (and that will almost certainly involving collaborating with the other person or people involved). I try to make clear that monogamy is a valid relationship structure. Moreso, most of the rest of the world supports and encourages monogamy, so folks who want monogamous relationships have ample places to find validation! On and off this channel. In this video, here are some places that I make sure to not pressure someone who wants monogamy: - if you know that you want monogamy and that's a non-negotiable for you, that's ok and you can (and should!) share that - to the person who wants an open relationship: don't try to convince your partner, instead focus on understanding him - to the person who doesn't want an open relationship: pay attention to whether your boyfriend is willing to put in work on your relationship or if he's expecting you to just "get on board" (aka if it's the later, that's a red flag!) - it's important to make a decision - and that can be any decision, including deciding that you will not be in an open relationship - even if your boyfriend REALLY wants an open relationship, it might not be right for you and that's ok Cheers!
Le Pete it’s a deal breaker for me and it’s one of the first questions I ask in dating. I see it as a lack of commitment. It’s not something I find hard to do and I know I need to be with someone who feels the same way. I’ve never seen this end well and would be so hurt that it was even proposed to me
Le Pete to be honest monogamy is not a straight construct pressured on us. We are a monogamous species from a reproductive stand point. If someone wants someone else in the first couple years (when you’re having these discussions) then they’re not in love with you. If it’s a conversation you have later down the line 5 years in thats a different discussion
@@ForzaTerra89 well said. We're monogamous for 14 years now and it couldn't be better. Still crushing like a young couple on each other 😂. But in deeper levels, less physically and much more emotional. It's hard to describe but it is just magic
My question is what to do when you were very clear from the get-go with your partner that you wanted a monogamous relationship and he was too, but then after getting married, he wants to venture out. I KNOW that it's not for me, and I don't criticize others for their choices. His response is that that's okay, but now I don't feel the same towards him because I don't think he's as happy and it's making me unhappy. But when I ask those questions he says he'd like to open it up, but that he's fine being monogamous. It's just so frustrating that I did everything I could to avoid this by being clear with him, but it didn't matter because he changed his mind.
this is a tough spot to be in, no doubt, and you've asked the question with such thoughtfulness. kudos on being able to do that. even THAT is something worth celebrating. my experience - with myself and working with others, both related to relationships and just in general - is that we often don't choose exactly what we want, how we feel, and what our hopes and dreams are. Sometimes something completely unexpected happens and it shifts the way we see ourselves or the world (and sometimes that thing is relatively quite minor). From what you've shared here, it sounds like your partner knew you wanted monogamy and chose that for himself and your relationship, too. And then at some point, that changed. Based on his decision to stay with you and remain monogamous, it sounds like he *wants* to honor that commitment. He might even wish he didn't want nonmonogamy (only he can know for sure). My first would be to spend some time trying to understand his perspective and experience. It might not change what you or he *wants* but it might help you make sense of what that *means* for him, you, and your relationship. This could be a really powerful moment for you to come together and grow closer. Happy to talk more one-on-one. You can schedule a (free) discovery call here: www.briangerald.com/relationship-coaching/
Brian Murphy issue is ne said how he felt from the beginning. Clearly a boundary. I say pretty much day 1 8m monogamous only as I’d rather it done early so if the other person isn’t or doesn’t feel that way we can both go find someone else. If that was the deal and they knew that and later down the line they challenged that I would 100% break up with them. If you didn’t talk about it at all until down the line that’s one thing but if you’ve made it clear from the beginning that’s just a super shitty thing to do to a person
ForzaTerra89 yup. We ended up divorcing sadly. The shitty respect for boundaries sadly didn’t end with that. A lot of things he committed to on the beginning he kept changing and wanting me to sacrifice for his change of mind. It hurt, but I have to love myself more than that
Bryce Renfeldt sorry to hear that. You’ve done what’s right by you. I left someone beginning of the year. I said from day 1 I’m only interested in monogamy like you did and he was okay with that but also told my he has been poly in the past and kept it secret assuming I would judge him. I said I didn’t particularly care as that’s not what our relationship was, nor was he proposing it be but he elected to hide something from me and resented me for it instead of just talking to me about it. I couldn’t care less what his deal was with other people but he also said a lot of things at the beginning that in hindsight was just what I wanted to hear at the time. We were only a few months in and if you can’t be without others for the first years at least I’d argue theres no strong feelings there regardless of your views on mono/poly down the line We do exist though! We’re not the only ones what want what we want so let’s not waste time on people that aren’t compatible with us
Hey, just tell me if there could be someone who's naturally monogamous. I really thought of open relationships but couldn't do it really, I can't love or have any emotional attachment with my partner if he's or even me going to be open. So can anyone be born monogamous with having any religious or Societical influence, I feel like I'm a certain one with having any influence...
As with anything in relationships, the key is communication, communication, communication. Open relationships that work, and really any relationship, require that both partners place a high value on listening and talking through emotions rather than shutting down and stonewalling. All relationships are hard work, but they are worth the effort to get through the hard parts.
Yup! The same skills you need for an open relationship are also needed for closed relationships. Unfortunately, our culture tells us that in a monogamous relationship, "love is enough," so not enough folks are getting the skills they need to thrive!
For me it’s definitely a combination of all of those. I’m in a relationship now and love him dearly but he can’t stay monogamous. Says it’s just sex. Sometimes I feel I don’t do it for him fully. Bummed out. He swears I do but words are cheap and sometimes I feel like I’m more into him than he is into me.
if being monogamy is a must for you and nonmonogamy is a must for him, then it sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible as romantic partners. That's really sad but if that's the truth, you'll need to uncouple. If infidelity is part of your relationship history, you may find "The State of Affairs" by Esther Perel helpful. Either way, if you decide to try to stay together, "Poly-secure" by Jessica Fern could help! (also always happy to talk about coaching with you, more info is available on my website)
@@thisisbgm thank you for ur response! An update: we ended up splitting and I found a guy who has the same views as me! I am in love all over again and it’s perfect! We both have strict views on monogamy! I honestly never thought I’d find someone like this in the gay community. Seems so rare. I the chemistry is unreal! Never been happier!
I don’t know but I do know that often when I eat out with friends, we all taste a little of what everyone else ordered! It’s one of the benefits of eating with others :)
Are you kidding me? What does this guy actually do for a living? Hes pretty much telling this girl that he that. She should open the relationship. That's not what you should do, are you kidding me? It should be more communication. And the boyfriend really wants to and she doesn't. Then I will just move on. You can't force somebody to open their relationship when they're not comfortable. What the HELL is wrong with this guy?
