My Family is Scared of My Fiance! (Diagnosed with O.C.D.) 

If it set off red flags for you, it’s because you don’t have a loved one with OCD. That’s not your fault. You’re part of the population that thankfully has never lived this reality. OCD is a horrible disorder. It affect 1-3% of the population who mostly suffer in silence because they are shamed by comments like the one you just made. That said, having the wisdom to not share publicly personal information is ALWAYS a good idea.

Instablaster

My husband has OCD and he would NEVER put his reoccuring thoughts on social media. That is just very strange.

@@jackiem9460 I'm not sure. My girlfriend has OCD and she wouldn't either, but she's dealt with it since she was young. I imagine it is a much different experience when you develop it as an adult.

People must earn the right to this info, must earn your/my trust through their actions. It took me a few decades to figure this out. I hope you’re doing well.

@@jackiem9460 I think it was possibly more him being naive. We think people get praised for being open honest and brave about coming out about mental health.. but.. reality is people don't understand.

Not as open with everyone but are you using an alias? Otherwise you just opened your personal info to the world.

100% truth. The damage has already been done unfortunately and I can't say I blame them for being a little scared. Also OCD? I didn't think OCD had anything to do with thinking graphic violent thoughts of doing things to other people. That sounds like something a lot more serious.

Our local TV news today just interviewed an ex-employee of Google who explained how Google and other online social media outlets shape our thoughts selectively. I've been saying all along that most people cannot think for themselves.

@@Ryan_DeWitt It's a major, but not often spoken of component of OCD. Many of those who have these thoughts are too fearful to speak to a therapist about them because they think they'll be seen as threatening. People with OCD aren't known to be violent because these thoughts are a fear of "accidentally" doing something, or "what if I do this" rather than an urge to do it as some describe. When I struggled with them, I really just need a therapist to tell me "no, don't worry, you are not going to do these things". It's kind of difficult to explain. I just say this because people generally still think of OCD as a cleaning/organizing disorder or similar to GAD. Not trying to be rude or condescending, I just hope to give a better understanding.

@@caaaa3 thanks - I also did not know that. - I would assume it is like if a person without intrusive thoughts sees an unpleasant movie (horror movie etc. or a thriller) and it pops up the next day, even though they would rather not think of that movie anymore. - And a person with intrusive thoughts would be like a protagonist in such a movie (causing the accident, or "losing it" or being the victim of crime, violence or natural disasters).

@@caaaa3 thank you. This helped me to better understand. I was thinking of OCD as someone who is obsessed about in act, like cleaning. I'll study more about this.

I agree. I never knew anything about OCD until I had a relationship with someone with it and now a child diagnosed with OCD. I try to educate but sometimes it’s difficult to explain.

To be fair, we don’t know if he is getting treatment. I would probably err on the side that he is if he’s willing to be open about it. Sort of a gold mine that he shares his struggles openly. Many of us have loved ones with OCD that rather deny that reality. Chances are the family and friends would still not want anything to do with him if he stated that he was seeking therapy. My gut says it’s true as NO ONE on her side even asked if he was. So they’re not interested in an off ramp to their already formed thoughts on him.

Exactly like who wouldnt be concerned with everything we hear today. This was not something to share and unfortunately the family will never look at him the same again.

Agreed and with good reason. Mental health is not a good reason to brush this behavior under the rug or tolerate it. If mental health issues are driving compulsive behaviors such as this, he needs to be held accountable and then seek tools to change the behavior. It doesn't sound like he wanted to do that, which concerns me even more.

It's not brave: it's a form of exhibitionism. The only people who need to know about any violent, intrusive thoughts are your therapist, your psychiatrist, and the people closest to you (your parents, your siblings, and your spouse).

@@vaska1999 that’s the word! Exhibitionism. We all have our battles and I know I have mine. I don’t have the need of broadcasting them to the world. Some things are private. I’m really put off my attention seeking behavior. Perhaps her friends and family see more red flags. I wonder what became of them?

@@vaska1999you are sort of the problem. Way to marginalize people. You might think of how unkind and unwelcoming your ignorant and dis inclusive comments were to someone who tried to be honest and vulnerable. Get some education on this before you post.

Agree 💯 honesty is the best. Truth is always bound to come out

But as a husband and wife, Your husband feelings are so so so so important. It was kind of dumb to do it this way 0_0

@@MsJorgett I’m saying different people communicate differently. Viva la differance ❣️

@@patriciacole8773 I don’t see how it is an effective way of communicating, but I guess to each its own, right?

@@MsJorgett That’s all I’m saying 😘

@@patriciacole8773 no, it’s rude. Some people communicate in a way that they should change, interrupting, yelling, eye rolling, etc

Oh, and the relationship with the aunt and both kids can be very close and very special and not problematic if the parents are on the same team and she respects their roles as parents. One more person to love their kids is a good thing. Have boundaries and just let the relationships be honest and organic.

The moment they even have a chance to compromise your safety you need to walk away and never look back

I was just gonna type that lol ...go home please lol

'ethnic families' wtf?

My “ ethnic”family is the same. They don’t understand boundaries and then when we are brave enough to protect ourselves by enforcing them they bully us into feeling guilty as if boundaries mean we don’t care. It’s time for our generation to normalize that boundaries are a necessary way to cultivate a non anxious life and not apologize or feel guilty about it. If not, they are making the choice to not be part of your life.

​@@grreeeeee Non-Anglo? Does that sound better? If not, how would you put it?

@@vaska1999 the attempt to categorize several different groups of people against a binary of them vs. white people belies a system of belief that I don't subscribe to. so I wouldn't put it any way. because it makes no sense. the premise is faulty.

@@grreeeeee In the US, "ethnic" refers to people from cultures other than the Anglo-Saxon one. And while you may want to insist that Chinese people, for instance, are indistinguishable from Norwegians, say, your ideological blinkers don't affect the reality of certain differences between them. Differences that have no value markets attached to them. Similarly, if you wish to do so, you may of course insist that all human cultures are identical despite a range of very clear sociologically obvious differences among them. But you're not really interested in people as human beings: you're interested in flaunting what you imagine to be a morally superior ideology.

1000% agree. Turn your tv offs and stop following their orders

I agree this is not ending anytime soon

OCD confessions. He’s not going to hurt anyone

So glad you have all the answers. I was worried. NOT

That’s different. This person has a specific form of OCD and will never be a mass shooter or murderer. I advise you to learn about this type of mental illness. It’s called Pure O. It is the most debilitating OCD type. And people with this illness are the most kind/empathetic people out there.

Don’t EVER say Never!! Not to mention you have no clue what anyone would do. None of us do!

Not True

​@@hadenanderson563 Except it is.

When we have friends or family over, one of us puts the kids to bed and no one expects our kids to stay up. Dont care what culture it is…. Kids can be put to bed. They would do the theirs when little.

Stand up, walk over to the door and keep talking with your hand on the doorknob..

I'm korean and I flat our tell my mom it's time to wrap things up. Otherwise not only would she stay late, she'd stay overnight every time she comes. The wife needs to set more boundaries.

I have a feeling that the mother is leaving the aunt out completely and doesn’t want the child to have a relationship with the aunt

​@@salma_Nella22 My impression is that the egg-donor sister isn't really interested in being an active aunt. The caller mentioned that her sister isn't even sure she wants any children of her own.

Sooo she can't change her mind?

Facts. I think John would have responded similarly if there weren't the obvious filters for her feelings but, yeah this was perfectly stated.

Yikes

100% agree - love is blind. This poor woman may not fully understand what he's capable of, especially if he falls further into the depths of mental illness.

That’s naive. Intrusive thoughts don’t get better with meds because no med changes a thought. You need therapy and learn to let it go. It’s actually pretty common but people who react in a way you describe make the sufferer feel guilt shame and crazy, when In fact it’s the opposite. It’s a fight or flight response that stays consistently. Education is key.

@@aleenainsanity You can't educate away violence. And medications do indeed change thought patterns. Dramatically, in the case of violence. Never, ever underestimate someone who tells you that they want to hurt you or others. Ever.

@@Cathy-xi8cb Having intrusive thoughts is a form of ocd. Meds will not help. It’s common but people are too afraid to talk about it because people act as if they are psychotic. They can go away or at least be dealt with. There’s so much more..

Wife's infertility? She has her own biologically conceived child apart from the daughter conceived with her sister's egg, so I don't think that the mother's infertility was the problem.

some perspective - also see my other comment: as you mention your son's emotional wellbeing, I assume that is your main concern and not that you are about to go bankrupt, your marriage is going to end triggered by the additional stress, or you are going to be evicted. I assume you live in the U.S. * - in SPRING it is already going to get better - in all countries ! Many people in the U.S. are about to be evicted, and unemployment benefits are going to expire for many after the holidays. The new admin will come in in January 20th (so one month after Christmas) and it is not sure they will be able to do something (depends on the Senate races - and if they even want to). Depending on age you will not tell a kid / teenager that they can count their blessings just when they are the most upset, but there is a time when that is appropriate. And even smaller children and teenagers that are still very immature (and self centered) can be made to understand that next spring things will improve and in summer the pandemicc restrictions will be over. * Europe and Canada has been hit hard by a second wave (summer was good for most countries) - but their governments are more responsive to voters so the economic fallout for families is softenened. Australia reaps the rewards of some strict measures in fall, almost no cases, they have summer now so they can dare to open for tourism (also with the prospect that the inevitable fallout and slowly or fast increasing cases can be managed because in spring we will likely have vaccines for a part of the population and the spread will be slowed down even if there is not yet full protection. That is the problem of Europe. In order to save the tourism industry they reopened and that _seemed_ to work in late June - mid August. First worrying indicators in late August, but in early fall one could still hope to get a grip on it. Instead numbers kept growing. Fast. And then there is China. Almost no cases. Their economic growth prediction for next year is 2 %. One of the few nations that are expected to have a growth. Of course the predictions are based on experiences with other (cyclic or extraordinary) downturns. It might be different with a pandemic. Maybe we will bounce back much better as soon as this is over (in summer). It will depnend on what the government does. Resp. if the U.S. voters continue to put up with business as usual (big donor interests and neoliberal ideology over the interests of regular people and smaller businesses).

He didn'use that language to that person. Depends on how you define the fantasy whether or not it's correct. You may attach certain things to that word, that othes don't. Fantasy could simply mean any mental image (that isn't a memory etc etc)

@@HansenFT Yes, he was referring to the caller's fiancé. There is only one definition of fantasies

Exactly! So he was speaking ABOUT the person, not to them as you claimed.

Any proof that there is only one, narrow definition of that (pretty vague) term? And any proof that it corresponds perfectly to how YOU personally use it in your day to day life? Seems that imagined future scenarios is what most people refer to, and that seems perfectly fitting in this context It might be a wide def. But then again if there is 1 and only 1 def of such a vague term, it MUST be pretty wide in order to encompass all the different ways people correctly use it. Thanks😘

@@HansenFT well I think that the majority of people think that fantasies are desirable daydreams. I see your point that it means different things depending on the context. But wouldn't you agree that when you think of a fantasy, you think of something that brings you joy/pleasure? And in this context, it sounds wrong...to me.

Should not*?

@@AMK544 Yes, correct.I changed it :)

Actually, i think the opposite. This person has a specific form of OCD and will never be a mass shooter or murderer. I advise you to learn about this type of mental illness. It’s called Pure O. It is the most debilitating OCD type. And people with this illness are the most kind/empathetic people out there.

Bingo 🎯

There must have been a medical reason she decided to use her sister's eggs.

He thinks he can tell the asian in-laws when they have to leave 😂😂 when normally Asians live in multi-generational households

@@AMK544 I know. My Asian son-in-law took me in and I’m not ready. But me having an Asian father and a Polish mother I should be used to that.

I have heard that line from family members of people who are in prison for killing people..........

I’m sorry, but you really don’t know what you are talking about. You really need to educate yourself about OCD.

Spot on with her hesitancy during the first call around quoting what her fiance said in his post. Yes she knew and it was most likely outlandish, offensive and fear inspiring. Like, her behavior is a classic cry for help so how can her friends and loved ones be blamed for using common sense and compassion?

First woman needs to REALLY look at staying with this man.

I’m sorry but on the first point that’s not true. We have a million thoughts every day we don’t act on. I suggest you read up on some literature in this space-you will be very surprised with what you find. OCD takes all sorts of forms and these intrusive thoughts is one of them.

No way it crows to be a rambling big cat

Why?

@@claudiaj2138 Because he doesn’t have any boundaries? What trouble for a marriage.

I agree with you!

​@@claudiaj2138 Because he's emotionally immature and entitled: having posted online that he has thought of harming others, he then feels rejected when they say they feel afraid of him! He should be seeing a shrink for his lack of realism and for the entitlement that leads him to believe people should just embrace him, despite his bizarre need to tell everyone he has intrusive violent thoughts.

@@vaska1999 I left this comment 3 years ago lol

He told him to let his wife handle her parents because in that way they can both get what they want. Man of the house does not mean my way or the highway if the way you want does not cause peace.

My question is why she got an egg from her SISTER. She should have known that would've caused family problems down the road. There are plenty of women across America that would've donated an egg, and she wouldn't have ever seen again.

@@hawkgurl1157 or you could just adopt a child that needs a home instead of being so selfish that you use your own sisters egg to make a baby just so that your other kid has a sibling....

@@babbahassa sure

@@hawkgurl1157 because siblings with the same parents share a lot of DNA - Bonus: it might reduce costs so they could allocate the money to the IVF measures instead of paying also for an egg donor. I can see a woman in my family doing that for a sibling. And it might feel less strange (in the meaning of non-family) for the husband - it is not the DNA of the wife (but almost). The wife connects with the embryo / fetus / infant as she carries the pregnancy to term, and nature makes sure she is flooded with bonding hormones after birth, but her husband does not have that natural close bond. For him it may be difficult to get the egg of a stranger, and getting the egg of a sibling my feel more organic and much easier to accept (feelings are not logical). I also do not know WHY the egg donor being an unknown person would be psychologically less challenging. No drama between the adult relatives and the child will have the challenge LATER. But never a chance to find out WHO the egg donor was. I assume there are situations where this works out: If the sister has children of her own, and does not feel she missed out. Or the aunt provided the egg, has no children but is able to give them space and can emotionally stay true to the original agreement. The sister is several years younger so she may have been in her mid twenties when she became an egg donor. Good from a medical point of view. the younger both women are, the better. But the egg donating sister may not have known herself so well. Plus I wonder if there are also other differences between the older and younger sister. One is married, has 2 kids, a husband and may be also financially much better off. Or career, education, looks. And if the extended family is not negative about it, so at some point the kid and siblings and other young relatives can know that there is some connection to the aunt that is more than a usual aunt / niece relationship - I do not think it _must_ be traumatic for anyone. I read the story of a woman that was literally raised by the village. In Africa. She wrote that only at age 6 she realized that one of the women was her mother. Many women mothered her. Likely the women worked together at the fields etc. and took care of the children together. It was not traumatic for her that she was close to more than her biological parents and that one couple was more special. Sharing genes was not that important. Being a beloved kid of the trib was. Back in the day it was not ucommon that children would lose their parents early and it could soften the blow if they had so varried attachments. It used to be in Wesern culture that children of families were informally or officially adopted by relatives. Often the family of origin was poor and had a lot of kids or the foster parents wanted someone to care for them in their old age, had always wanted a child but were not able to have one, and the foster / adopted kid was going to inherit their property. I know of such arrangements in my family (grand parent's generation), it was known by all and considered acceptable, and seems to have been a win / win / win. Of course the kid was 10 years old when being sent to the relatives. Family of origin had a lot of kids and not much money to go around, and also not much time to engage with kids on an individual base, so they were less sentimental, and the new status came with better clothes, other financial advantages (and better education opportunities) and the kid was treated well. (they also did not cut contact with the family of origin, and it was not a secret). the adopting family felt better to take in a kid that was a relative, they might have had reservations to adopt a child that was not biologically related. And the asepct of helping out relatives (who had the resources for the remaining children). Likewise I think many people feel better to accept an egg from a close relative.

@@hawkgurl1157 It's cheaper.

That’s a clichéd understanding of OCD. In the beginning he asked if it was intrusive and looping thoughts or the OCD you have described. She said his OCD was the intrusive thoughts.

Did you mean the part when even John agreed that can happen with OCD?

Then skip ahead. It's not that time consuming.

I like his ramblings in the beginning!!