My Husband Talks Down to Us (I Don’t Know What to Do) 

Dear listener, you may be able to tolerate the verbal abuse as a fully grown adult, however your children are in their formative years and the damage will last a life time. I'm almost 40 and can still hear the voices of my parents and their verbal abuse. Btw it still continues to this day, they have never truly stopped. If anything it got worse over time. This will impact your children forever in not only their personal psychological impacts, however also what they tolerate in romantic relationships, friendships, & how their children are treated

I grew up with a dad like this. When I left home at 18, I thought things would change and we could have a better relationship since we wouldn't be living together but he started picking on me about my weight and life decisions. It was like he was looking for things to be mean about since he couldn't control me. Three ex-wives and four estranged kids later he's alone because he says he wants to be but nobody wants anything to do with him.

I know it's already done. She's already had kids with the man. But for anyone who is single, don't be with someone like that and don't give them children.

I wish my mom had the courage of this woman to put her kids first. If anyone reading is in the same situation, please teach your kids that they're worth being treated well that their feelings matter.

“He talks to you this way too otherwise you wouldn’t be calling me” Your intuition is why I watch. It’s baffling.

This is very sad to hear. It reminds me of my ex. He criticized the way I walked, how I dressed, if I ate meat, my taste in music and movies, if I laughed, how I cooked, everything. It was hell. It killed my self-esteem, and I didn't want people to look at me because I felt like crap. He almost hit me, and I knew then I was past due for leaving. Please leave before it gets worse.

You don’t change a man like this, you run away with your children. There’s something seriously mentally wrong with a person who needs to incessantly bully and neg those surrounding him.

This was my father growing up and it affected me all my life so I hope she took Jon's advice. I'm sending her love, light, prayers, strength.

My father was not shy about letting us know he hated his life. It has taken a lifetime for me to heal the wounds he inflicted on us. My mother’s inaction did not make me feel protected or loved. I wish both of them had the balls to work on themselves.

This reminds me of my dad. Constantly criticizing every little thing his kids or his wife does and belittling. Then when we speak out he becomes the victim just like her husband. I can tell you it breaks my heart to see my smart, capable and wonderful mom get belittled and as his kids, we are exhausted, spiteful and both have deep mental health issues that we are working on getting treated. If you were my mom i would tell you to leave for yourself and for your kids. I would tell you how having a happy parent is better than having two deeply unhappy parents. I would tell you that your children will be stronger for this and will not settle for less in their relationships when they get older because they see their mom didnt put up with it either.

This started for me 2 years into the marriage I stayed for 26 years I told my mom about 4 years in that I was so unhappy she said I had to make it work. When I decided to get the divorce I told no one I moved. It’s been 20 years and still mad at myself for staying.

I’m so grateful my husband is such an amazing communicator. He’s taught me how to get my point across without being as negative. I feel like I’m a better mother by following his example. What men say to women, daughters etc truly matters. What people say period matters. Words last a lifetime❤

Annie you can do this! I was in the same position my daughter dropped her phone between the sofa at a gathering my ex had and she couldn’t find it. We called him over to help and he yelled at her she went to her room crying and a few min later he went into her room and said to her you are embarrassing me. He cared more about what his friends thought than his daughters feelings or mine. Needless to say after 22 yrs of marriage I ended it. He changed after 10 yrs into our marriage and I put up with it out of fear of being on my own with her. She was about 13 at the time and she still till this day brings up how much he hurt her with his words and it breaks my ❤. But I am stronger and better without him.

I grew up with a father that was ultra controlling. He could be charming to outsiders but cruel in the family home. He was critical, angry and at times violent. It has always been a challenge to trust men. It has always been a challenge to feel like 'l'm good enough'. Hard lessons to live through. It took until almost 35 for me to be assertive and have firm boundaries with how l'm to be treated.

It’s so sad that as women we sit in situations like this thinking we are keeping the peace and doing the best we can. I’ve been here before and the moment I woke up was when I realized I was only hurting my children. The example I was providing for, and allowing them to witness, was dooming them to the same disfuncional relationships in the future.

Bottom line, you should never have to ask your spouse to respect you and definitely should never have to demand it for your own children. Speaking from experience, you’re the scapegoat and they most likely will never change.

I had to unlearn how to talk to people because of the verbal abuse I experienced as a kid. I thought it was normal to be disrespectful and didn't even realize it.

I feel so blessed that when I met my wife back in 2001....after a few weeks of dating...I truly saw my world in her eyes each time...and I still feel that way today.....yes, very cliche but...its a joy that will last forever.....

My mom was a "chicken" when it came down to my dad. But when it came to us. She would turn into a "Lion". I once overheard her tell him " its one thing if it's about me. Bu don't t you dare mistreat my children"

The question isn't "how do I talk to my husband?" But "why are you subjecting your kids to abuse?" The kids didn't choose him. Their mom did. They didn't ask to be here. I don't think there should be a conversation when there's abuse- it's a deal breaker period.

Abusers can be sweet and good for along time, years. They won't abuse if they know you can get away. I'm SO sorry for what you're going through.

My husband claimed he's "a person and people get mad", and he's "better than all his friends. "

It's noteworthy that the shift in their marital relationship occurred after they had their daughter. He doesn't like that the focus of attention is no longer exclusively on him. Verbal abuse is all about control. It creates an imbalance of power in the relationship and it's the abuser who has it. Dr. Delony was very insightful on this call and dispensed some very good advice.

Do yourself and your daughter a favor, and don't teach her that this is what love looks like. That people who love her are overly critical, abusive, etc.

I'm proud of her for calling in and talking about it, accepting how it really is and not sweeping it under the rug, and doing the right thing. Bc there are so many ppl that turn a blind eye bc they don't wanna be single or they don't wanna raise their kids alone. They blame it on their kids, they even blame themselves, and they'll defend them and make excuses for them to no end. So I think she did a great thing by calling in and getting the advice and reassurance that she needed.

My father was very demanding and would lose his temper with me as a kid. It was never anything extreme, and we have a fantastic relationship now. But I know for a fact those situations left a mark on me, and I've had to deal with it in later life. But I can't imagine what that child will have to deal with as she grows up. He's already scarred her more than he'll ever know. The wife needs to leave for the sake of her baby.

My dad was this way growing up which turned me into an extreme perfectionist about everything which is a good and bad thing. If you're that oblivious in how certain actions affects a child, you have failed as a husband, father and a man. The biggest accomplishment is being aware and not repeating it.

my father was verbally abusive. not often but he definitely was. my ex basically bullied me for 2 and a half years. i think his father and sister are verbally abusive too. it was my first relationship but im still angry at myself for not leaving after he disrespected me time after time. i cant believe how much happier i am.

Complex PTSD. That’s what I got from an atrociously verbally abusive father. I resent my mom, who is long passed away for not protecting me. You have a choice. Choose wisely.

His behavior is pervasive and this woman has a moral responsibility to protect her children. He is not happy with himself but it’s not this woman’s responsibility to rescue him.

May God provide a way out from this abusive relationship for her and her kids. In Jesus name I pray.

That is abuse. I’m sorry 😢

My father was like that and I always wanted somebody to stop him but that never happened. My mom was totally in love with the house and he always told us that because she was a housewife, he was the sole owner of everything. She was always afraid. Soon I found out I was on my own. After finishing school, I left.

In some aspects this describes my dad, except he did not call us stupid or maybe not directly. He has a temper and he always has to be in control, and when things do not go his way then he makes everything feel like its going to crumble. I am 41 and it affects me to this day as well, even though i am grown and out of the house i feel like when i visit i do not know if i have to walk eggshells around him or not.

Please take this advice…I waited until the kids were grown and I divorced him. Just left…out of the blue. I couldn’t take another minute of him. I was too afraid earlier in life. He was decent with the kids but not me or others…he wouldn’t get counciling. I walked on those eggshells. Stop it now and take control back. I do understand the emotional fear.

This sounds like devaluation, which is insidious and starts out slowly. The wife might as well leave ONLY because devaluation is the final stage before she’s eventually discarded. Her husband is probably really not attractive or tall enough or doesn’t makes enough money to get anyone else, or he would’ve left already. Or he’s cheating and trying to get HER to leave him.

Leave. I graduated with a First Class Degree despite navigating my mum having cancer and my step dad not being around. He came back and called me stupid. I was early 20s and achieved more than he ever has and his evil and hatred for me is real. He will get worse. It's passive aggressive and you and your children deserve better. HE WILL GET WORSE and as your children progress he will resent them even more because he's not happy. Just save your children please I beg you. YOU LEAVE. They will resent you too if you don't protect them.

This sounds like my dad… always talked down to my sisters and I and sometimes our mom. Always been kind of a mean person, even if I don’t wanna believe it. He’s always just had such a bad attitude. We’ve talked to our mom about it, and when she confronts him, he says the SAME thing! He literally says “oh well I guess I’m the bad guy, I do everything wrong, I’m a bad dad, maybe y’all would be better off if I moved out” etc. and nothing gets resolved.. it really hurts cause we have a decent relationship, but I feel like I’m a little messed up from all the emotional abuse growing up :/

This was an incredible call by Dr John. I'm amazed at how well he could read between the lines, getting right to the heart of the issue.

Such a sad situation to be in... When he answered her call and she said 'Hey John', I could hear such heaviness and sadness in just those two words. You could hear in her voice she doesn't believe her 'I'm doing well, thanks for asking', either. And then, she broke down, and my heart sank... sending her big hugs and loads and loads of comfort. Hope she finds her peace, because life with him seems to be everything but that ❤️

Right on, Dr. John. This woman, like many others, will need some individual counseling sessions first, because it's scary to say that to a man who is verbally and emotionally abusive and can feel unsafe. Do it with a therapist present and it will take some time to create a plan and get prepared for this confrontation with the husband. The husband will react strongly to try to get her to back down, so having someone with her is important. She may need to leave after that with the kids and stay with a friend or relative for a while. Or convince him to leave.

That was a heartbreakingly direct conversation and I feel for those kids because she wont do anything. She'll forget the truth John laid out, she'll put her head back in the sand and continue running interference between the kids and husband, she'll try to prop the kids up despite the environment they're stuck in rather than doing the right thing. That's really sad because the kids deserve way better.

Started laughing when john said next he's going to say you chew too loud or put too many slices of ham on the sandwich. That was totally my dad. He'd get mad if there was more than a hint of jam on the pb&j and i DID chew too loud even with my mouth closed. Looking back i think i probably had tmj so it was my jaw clicking.

Props to Annie for taking the first step in making this call the Dr. John and admitting there’s a huge problem. Annie, you have the strength in you to confront your husband about this! This isn’t just for your well-being, but your children’s!

My sister is married to one like this but she would never leave him. 😭 He makes stupid decisions then snaps at her when things do go as well, as if she's the one who made him do it. She said she loves and trusts him more than anyone else in the whole world. Their kids can never do anything right, even when he tries to show his son how to do something, they end up in fight because he calls him stupid. It's hard to watch but I'm afraid if I ever say something, she'd stop talking to me. I wish these videos have subtitles to other languages so I can send it to her.

Wow 3 months of therapy in one session. Thanks so much Dr.John.

this describes my own dad... he never respected my mom much, both coming from a culture where machismo is very much still a thing. A good father and all, but it hits different now that we're women ourselves and he's starting to speak towards us the same way. Making "women, am I right?" type jokes and comments.. as if he doesn't realize who his audience is.

I planned an exit when my ex husband continued to be hateful, manipulative and just plain mean to us. He didn’t want to change nor listen to how I didn’t like how he treated me and the kids once they were born. I divorced him and he couldn’t believe it. He has yet to change even after the divorce and even after he moved across the US. It will likely never get better. I too am from Alabama. She needs to leave.

I recommend she read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. And "Healing from Hidden Abuse" Shannon Thomas LCSW. Someone doesn't need to yell to be abusive. This man is abusive.

It always amazes me how he knows and understands what is NOT being said. He’s a very wise man.

When an adult is acting like a child, you take the position of being an authoritative adult and tell them- as firmly and directly as possible- how things are going to be going forward.

This was an incredible session - can relate so strongly

Dr. John, you really are amazing at what you do. Wishing the best for sweet Annie. You’re so strong, my dear, go protect yourself and your beautiful children.

It’s very hard to reason with people so blind to the way they behave like it sounds he is. Very hard. I’ve been this person and also been on the receiving end. We gotta gain awareness to change the behaviors to end the pain of our choices.

I’ve never wanted an update more!! Please Annie if you’re out there, leave this awful man!

My ex husband was that way with me! That's why he's my ex.😢

The only way to break the cycle for your children is to get away from this behaviour. He's never going to change. And coming from a child of a household that was like this, it changed my perspective of my father dramatically. I don't like him as a person.. and I don't have that bond with him to this day. I see him every week, but that's it.

Amazing advice! The role play was so good

The more I watch these podcats the more i realize...being single with no kids seems to be much more beneficial in the long run. I dont see many callers that are single with no kids calling for advice.

I relate to this with my own situation right now, not with my husband, but my family. Parents divorce at 6, same mental abuse as her when it comes to mom & dad. I was her daughters age when I needed a parent the most, because you're going through so many life changes. As Mr. Rodgers said on Opera's talk show, "the best thing we can do as parents is remember our own childhood". I understand this, and I don't have children. Most people block out the emotional turmoil they went through when they were a certain age because of how badly they were affected. Everybody is going through this journey for the first time together.

You have to leave. He won't change, he doesn't want to.

Damn son! He’s so good at figuring these people out and spot on advice 😊

My mom called me stupid & a loser all my life lol maybe it’s an immigrant parent thing cuz everyone I know was belittled and cussed out for every mistake, some people raise their kids the way they were raised & others look for ways to improve their lives so their children have a better childhood, no one can control how they’re raised but as an adult it’s all of our responsibility to change, you’ve got to pick up & leave if he’s not willing to get help & change.

The conversation I had with my partner was I can critique your behavior that you committed a few times, without critiquing you. It becomes a pattern of behavior, then it becomes a personality trait, and finally it becomes you. Stop the behavior before I criticize you. If I ever have to criticize all of you I'm done. That ended the pity party.

I grew up in a home like this, but my mother was too passivee to do anything about it :( proud of Annie for making the call.

My ex - he would have just stayed out drinking instead of coming home for a meeting. Pick up your kids and leave. Hurts like hell but its probably the only way out.

The call about verbal abuse is reminding me of what I went through and if I had the words to express what I had needed to say, might have saved my marriage. Wish I had known instead of leaving and leaving my three children because he was a bully. I went against the boss and I got fired. My kids need to know the truth someday. I was made out to be the bad mom who left and I didn't want to leave. I wanted to get away from him. Some how I thought it would be better if I left and the kids wouldn't have to hear the fighting or feel the tension when we were home together. My childhood was the same. Why would I ever live in the same situation I grew up in? Why would I choose a husband like him? Thank you Dr. Delony!

Dear caller, If he truly only changed after you had your daughter/children he’s jealous as he has to share your attention. A narcissistic trait. I feel your life will only get worse. Be careful as if they are confronted it will get worse and maybe physical. Verbal abuse is abuse which can lead to physical. I too thought my spouse would never get physical but if they think you will leave it can change to physical. Please be safe.

This woman is telling me a part of my story. So, caller if by any chance you happen to read this, heed this advice: LEAVE Let me tell you, this is not going to get better, in fact the opposite until you AND your daughter become nothing become breathing shells, and the effects for your baby girl right now and further down the line that this "parent" is injecting her with are going to be devastating Regardless of what happened to your parents, you're not doing her or yourself any favors by staying with him Please love yourself and her and leave

RUN !!!

Those conversation starters are all well and good, but what if he refuses to go? And what if I have no where to go? This woman could be me, but I can't figure how to get out.

If he just started acting like this Once the kid came along then my opinion is most likely he never wanted to have kids and maybe she pushed him into it whatever the circumstances it sounds like he resents having the kid and Like he resents having a kid and it's too late to take it back and he's probably just probably just depressed and miserable Depressed and miserable kids don't change relationships for the better often times the stress of a kid will break the relationship apart

The problem is that a big segment of our society is being told that the most important thing is to appear strong and manly, and that anger is the manly emotion. The emotions the caller needs from her husband are “wussy” emotions, and if this guy isn’t happy with his life he’s desperate to appear powerful in the only way he’s been told he can.

She knows. She is so conflict avoidant is so deep she is fighting the idea. Hope she overcomes this for her kids.

Tell him you will not tolerate they way you speak to the kids!! Go for a ride alone with him. Where he can't walk away.

He's a real life Scrooge, life dealt him a few bad hands and he takes it out on everyone

I’m a stay at home mom of 3 kids, 1 boy and 2 little girls, and my husband does this to me and my 10 year old son, he doesn’t do it nearly as much to my 2 girls who are 7 and 4, but then to make matters even worse on the flip side when he’s not berating him, gas lighting, or belittling him, he’s buying him things constantly, and being fun dad which keeps my son loyal. I’m in therapy, I put my son in therapy for the last couple years now, which has helped with some other issues that he was having from being highly sensitive, but he does not say anything negative about dad or about the way he treats him.,..my husband went to therapy by himself a hand full of times, and then couples counseling a hand full of times, but he sees no need for it and says nothing works. My husband started changing drastically when my son reached about the age of 5. I would have never predicted that this is how he would be with any children. The thought of being alone to raise 3 kids in my forties is terrifying, especially after being a stay at home wife and mom for the past 12 years. Deciding whether my kids would be better in a split family situation or having both parents under the same roof has been really hard. I know u have to choose your hard, but I worry how being split would affect them too. There’s no good answer in this situation…no matter what you’re screwed. The hardest part is having to split custody and worry about them when I wouldn’t be able to be with them. The cognitive dissonance has also had me stuck for quite a while, because it’s not all the time that he’s like this, there’s good days and bad days, times when I see the person I married, and then a lot of times when I can’t believe that this is my life. I spent the last few years confused about what was actually happening, but within the last year have realized that he has a lot of narcissistic traits, and I’ve really just educated myself about all these things that I had no idea about until now. I too grew up in a household where dad was an alcoholic and was verbally abusive to my mom, and she did what she had to do to keep the peace, and raise me the best she could. The crazy thing is that I thought I chose something that was complete opposite of what that was like because of how well he treated me in the beginning of our relationship for the first few years. Then once it did start happening I was so conditioned to that type of behavior from that being a norm as I was growing up that it wasn’t until he started doing it to my son that it really hit me how abusive this situation had become. Thank you for doing pod casts like these because it really does help to get others perspectives to help guide our decision making!

I am also going through the same issue with my husband, he talks down to me and my son. My son is cutting himself due to the situation. I am so scared and don’t know how to help him.

my x talked like this to the kids and myself, same thing she would look to kill if she cleaned up and somebody ate something and didn't clean up

I know n john means well but isn't john 6ft plus this conversation would be easy for him cause I doubt dude would buck but for a women I bet this is extremely terrifying to have . Dudes and a coward and a punk and I bet doesn't like being called out. I'd be careful if I was her cause it could get worse . She should talk to a lawyer about next steps also

Being called stupid or dumb when you're an adult sucks. Being called that when you're a child scars you for life. I heard it for the first time when I was about 7-8 and I struggle with it to this day, at 40 years of age. If not for you, leave for your children. They deserve better. And you do too. And when he says, "I guess i'm not good enough"... The proper answer should be, yes, that's right. You're not good enough. A good enough man doesn't talk like this to his children and wife.

My kids are paying dearly from this type of behavior. Make sure you record how he treats the kids. You might need it for court! If a divorce happens and you both get 50 50 he will more than likely continue doing that to the children if you have no proof.

She is abusing her kids By staying with him. She never should have kept having kids with him. She needs to get away from him. They are not safe.

This man is attacking the foundation of what creates a healthy confident adult. That's just horrible and unfortunately counts as child abuse because there will be consequences in their development. Bullying children because you're unhappy means you're a massive dickhead. Covert narc. Some people shouldn't have kids. I feel sorry for this woman and her kids, especially the kids. I think if he doesn't change, she should divorce :(

Oh my gosh, my dad would beat me for making the ice tea wrong, & scream that I did it on purpose. It's funny he mentions food. We had padlocks on our cupboards. Wow, he has serious foresight into personalities.

You have the strength. If a stranger was treating your daughter this way you wouldn't hesitate to bri ng Mama Bear out

This is not a man. LEAVE HIM

My ex husband became like this to me (not the children). If I talked to him and told him what he did that bothered me, he would do it more. He had an awful smirk that I still see in my nightmares. He called me stupid to the point that I believed him. He would tell me “Just see what’s going to happen to you”. I was terrified when I eventually left but I got out of the situation. Should have done it sooner.

I have no respect for weak mothers. Protecting your kids is your foremost responsibility. Allowing them to be abused is disgraceful.

Wow that what my ex did for 13 yrs I did for yrs .you need go if he won't change 😮😢😢😢

For your kids, leave. Young kids don't deserve a parent that treats them that way. There are many men out there that would love what he has.... a family.

Alabama.... Says it all.

Yeah, honey believe him when he says "I'm just trash." Bcs he is.

What if he denies there is a problem.

Cuss him out and leave!

He's a tiny human. Was married to a bully. Verbal abuse leads to physical. Please run! Life without him is soooo much better.

She should leave, even though it’s hard to go through with it. Her ten year old daughter is suffering. You can hear in her voice that she’s been abused by her mom too.

Just leave. That convo isn't going to go the way you think. Save yourself and your children today.

What fun watching the comments blame the mom and daughter on the recieving end, better to address reality that the courts are just going to put them both back to square one when she does all the work to leave the abuser. Take your indignindation there, the mom is taking steps to garner info and validation to deal with it or if they can and should get out.

Not a topic. A hard stop.