My Husband Refuses to Live With Me (The Kids Trigger Him) 

I'm so glad my mom waited until we were grown to re-marry. 🙌🏾 I cannot imagine living with this conflict and confusion.

This doesn’t sound like a marriage…. It barely even sounds like a relationship.

In case anyone is interested, this is the same caller that was on the Ramsey Show recently-the video is called “Been Married for 2 Years and Have Never Lived Together”

I broke my legs running to the comment section.

I think she should prepare to leave. They already have a father. They don't need your new husband. 4 kids is A LOT! Please try to raise your children without being in a relationship. Date yourself for a little while.

Hope anyone cheating or thinking about cheating sees this one.

I think my life's messed up but then i listen to this...

I have a friend who pushes for marriage 6 months into a relationship. She has 3 failed marriages. Sounds like he married to shut her up. Those marriages never work.

"Be as emotional as you need to...it's ok"- I love the compassion and validation offered in that statement and by Dr John in general. I hope I emulate this energy to the people who honor me by sharing their thoughts and feelings❤

I know it is not easy to be a single woman with 4 kids. I was divorced about 12 years ago with 3 kids, not much help economically from my ex husband, I worked hard, I also did not want to have another man that was not their dad in our lives. Thank God I had what I needed to raise them, sometimes it was very challenging, but we can do it if we really want to...forget about your new husband and start a new life with your 4 kids. After a while you will feel proud and your kids will be thankful 🙏

Both acted cowardly. He told her he didn’t want to be married and they both went through with it. Ultimately she had a special responsibility to not put her kids through a break up.

Who marries someone that doesn't want kids? She can be a single mom and she can do it again. This is the most ridiculous thing I've heard from a mother today... Am I judging? YES!!! I just broke up with a guy because he never wanted to include my kids and he was getting mad that my current situation didn't give me the ability to leave my kids alone at my house. Once you become a parent your kids shouldn't be put second to anyone or anything.

First husband sounds like everything she needs the second husband to be

My guess is she had the affair with him and he felt bad breaking up her marriage so he felt obligated to marry her. He’s still sending her mixed messages because he feels guilty. Maybe I’m way off but that’s my theory.

When I was dedicing whether or not yo stay married to my ex, one of the things that gave me peace of mind was sitting down (although I was terrrified of the outcome) and filling out a spreadsheet with my budget. My therapist encouraged me to do so and it was a game changer. I realized exactly how I could make it work. It gave me clarity and it gave me strength. I also made a list of life-situations that I tought would be difficult without a partner, and wrote down ways in which I could solve them by myself or with the help of other people in my life. All of those little things gave me so much confidence, and allowed me to concentrate on other, more emotional aspects of the separation process.

My dad raised me and my siblings on his own and had many women come in and out of our lives. He always chose the woman over us kids, never defended us and all of these women treated us like a burden, which sounds like this "husband" in this call. It greatly affected my self-esteem and my self-worth well into adulthood. That kind of stuff stays with you for a long time. If you care about your children and their mental health, there are some hard things that you're going to have to sacrifice for them. They may not talk about it with you or you may dismiss the things they do bring to your attention because you love your partner, but you should consider if this partner is worthy of your love if they don't treat your children with love and respect and if they think of your children as a "trigger" or a burden because your children most definitely see it, they feel it and it does affect them. I hope she sees this and does what is right by them. It may be hard to find someone who will love you and your kids, but once you do find that person, it's completely worth it. My dad is currently married to a horrible woman who treats him like crap, she's awful to everyone and has created a huge rift in our relationship with him. He's older now and he stays with her because he doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't understand that he's more alone with her than he would be without her because he's sacrificed the relationships with his family. Just some food for thought.

I divorced my husband as he resented my 2 sons from my first marriage and the hurt was unimaginable, I could not forgive. He's lovebombed us for the past year trying to fix it, but the damage is done. Never again will I tolerate a jealous insecure man.

2 minutes in !!!!!! My wife ONLY said yes to me asking her to marry me, BECAUSE SHE WAS AFRAID TO HURT MY FEELINGS. So many years of crap !!!!!!! Young lady, YOU DESERVE BETTER !!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies, STOP making babies and then dragging them through your instablilty, immaturity, selfishness and drama. They didn't ask for any of it. Their lives sound like chaos, poor things thanks to their mother. The guy made a major mistake marrying this woman (or ANY woman who cheated on her first husband and then left him) and he knows it. That doesn't make him "a bad man." He is doing the exactly right thing given the situation. What she needs to do is divorce him; to those kids, this is just the guy mom married after divorcing dad. He's nobody to them. She needs to stop marrying men and dragging those kids through hell. Put them first for a change.

Friendship is the foundation of a great marriage. We aren't friends with a person we don't love and respect 💯

My dad chose our stepmother over his 3 kids and wonders why we don’t speak to him.

This is a good message for men who want to date single moms. Kids have a way of sucking all the fun out of your relationship even when they are my kids I love them to death but sometimes I don’t like how they act. I can only imagine trying to live with children who you don’t have a deep love for it would be extremely hard

You have four kids with another man, and married a different man wanting him to be the daddy? Sadly not all man are cut out to raise other men’s children.

Woman cheats on the father of her four children and then leaves him.. now after her second marriage, she’s regretting things.

This is the 3rd dilemma of this nature I’ve heard on the Ramsey shows and I’m genuinely confused as to how people are getting into these situations. What on earth is going on?

Women can live a much more peaceful life being single. Having a circle of support makes a world of difference.

Choose the kids, sis!

You gotta give it to the guy. He managed to keep his own home, not combine finances and doesn't have to help raise her kids. Impressive, lol.

This is from a guys perspective. Woman admits she had a good husband who was the father of her 4 kids, but she cheated on him, Id go out on a limb and say it was with new husband. New husband says he doesn't agree with her parenting style. From what I have seen this means the kids are doing whatever they want and mom isnt disciplining them. They may be running around the house screaming and mom says kids will be kids. She probably doesnt want him disciplining the kids so he feels his hands are tied. Wife is talking to her ex husband who may seem to be a warm shoulder to cry on, but Im sure he is getting jabs in. He knows she is susceptible to "emotional cheating" so he can continue to be that warm shoulder and get his wife back and stop paying child support. It is inappropriate for this woman to be talking about her relationship with her ex. Im sure she wouldnt like her husband doing the same thing. This woman needs to look at herself IMO. She needs to make the home experience positive for him. If she wont discuss child rearing with her husband the marriage will fail, and she is responsible for that. She can get divorced again and get some assets from him but the problem will be the same for her next relationship. Her husband isnt a monster. He married a woman with 4 kids and does help her with finances. Kids like him and he is an otherwise good husband. I feel he is doing the best that he can with what hes got. If this woman divorces her husband I think she needs to go back to her ex, I dont think she will find a better man for her situation. They can get seperate rooms and live as a family the best that they can

My mother married her second husband so I could have a dad. Not a good idea. It didn't work out, needless to say. Please don't get married just so your kids can have a dad. They'd rather you work on yourself, get healthy, and marry someone you love who is also healthy and treats you right.

"He's not a good man... He might be nice." Word

Four kids is a lot and being with a single mother is a lot but that’s why if you find it to be too much you are host and walk away if you can’t do it. That man chose to marry her regardless of any reservations he had so he’s equally at fault. They both could’ve walked away but chose to be single and married. Plain ridiculous

Who the hell has time to date with 4 kids?? She doesn’t love herself and it shows

I have a friend like this guy. He found a nice woman with kids, that didn't scare him. But bit by bit new requirements or delays came up, it got to the point where he knew what she claimed to want but never knew if she was willing to get it.

I don’t feel bad for her. She cheated on her first husband and expected a fairy tale with her second. Life doesn’t reward you with someone “better” after you cheat. Enjoy 💕

The fact this is the 2nd time she called 2022 same problem and it hasnt change at this point its her fault for letting this continue

She said she's afraid to start over, but she wasn't afraid to start over in a "new marriage". I don't know how long it was between the old and new marriage, but that can be a lot for the new husband with the addition of 4 kids. Hearing this call and the reason for the divorce, the last thing she needed to do was remarry so soon. She is thinking more of her needs and did a disservice to the kids.

He will never move in the kids drive him crazy he is being honest

You help so many people out John, make sure you take time out for you and your family. Peace and love brother

he doesn't want to be married lol

*Not smart at all!* If she was so concerned for her FOUR children, she wouldn't have had an emotional dalliance and would have stayed in a stable (even if not appealing) marriage FAITHFULLY, until children were older, like MANY smarter women do. So, she already messed up and put her kids in an unstable situation then she gets with a jerk!! He does not want her 4 KIDS (not many men would)! Stay single and raise your kids lady!

*ALWAYS put your children first*

You cant put a price on peace in your home❤

I wonder why she married her 2nd husband. It sounds like she knew he didn't want to get married before they got married. It also sounds like there is a lot of information that she's not telling. She didn't volunteer that she cheated on her first husband until Dr. John pressed her. However, I actually feel sad for the new husband.

If anybody wants to hear this lady’s first call listen to: We’re married but he doesn’t want to move in with me (June 20th,2022) there are details changed here but it’s the same woman clearly. She said 5 kids in this call above , 4 kids in todays one (7-18)

Im dealing with a similar situation. Im not married but own a home with my partner. He recently told me that his daughters dont feel comfortable being in the house with me. I was hurt, especially when he listed the reasons why. Ive done nothing but try to be accepting and loving to them. A lot of the tension stems from us having two parenting styles. I have a few simple request, cleanup behind yourself, dont be wasteful and extend common courtesies to everyone. He told me saying good morning or greeting people is not something he has taught them. It’s not that important to him. Its gotten to the point were i want to get my own place because i dont want to be around them. And i dont want him to have to choose between me and his kids.

She asked in the beginning if she was the problem. Yes. Yikes!

She destroyed her family with FOUR children and a GOOD husband. She doesn’t get to complain about anyone else.

You’ve made some bad choices in life and your children are paying the cost. Cheating with four children, leaving for another man and then staying with a man who doesn’t value you or your kids. Do your kids a favor and GROW UP!! Get a job with flexible hours, divorce your non committed husband, and devote your mind , body & spirit to raising your children!!

This whole thing is bonkers, go file and get it over with. Never was never will be a real marriage anywhere but on paper… plus as always there’s A LOT more going on on both sides that’s left unsaid in the call.

As a single guy with no kids I feel for the new psuedo-husband cause four kids is a lot. I get exhausted taking care of my two nieces... Four would end me. Of course he should have never said yes to getting married and saying he's not a good man offends me cause FOUR KIDS IS A LOT.

Hey Dr. John. Please validate my bad behavior, do no research on my life and suggest that every man is abusive. Please please. Yes, you are validated, and you are special even though you lied to me. Men suck and you are awesome. Please like me.

She needs a shirt that says "it's probably me."

@9:45 John actually tells her she's better with the ex-husband

I feel like theres something missing from this story

So is she just using him for an income? How was she making it before he came into the picture?

He's having an affair.

Jill, NEVER feel fearful about being alone. It's actually very peaceful and you can do it. It may not be comfortable or easy, but yes, you CAN do it. Please grow a really big spine and trust me, you'll feel better about yourself later on down the line. Girl, woman up!

Why would a guy want to move in four kids that aren’t his own, no upside. Seems like she cheated on her first husband and now is she feels the consequences, probs want to go back to old husband…

First husband had standards and boundaries. Second husband realized he made a mistake and is now trying to set standards and boundaries. Woman sounds like a soul draining emotional driven baby making factory. Two men have said “ehhhh no thanks”. Maybe don’t take her word for everything.

Shes already doing it alone and is being treated as an option. Change your locks!!

I have to say....your channel found me a few weeks ago and I am hooked. This content is so good....people need connection and these conversations have elevated my hope for society. Thank you for doing this work Dr. J.

She needs to be alone. She sounds like she's way too focused on having a man in her life, and it's to the detriment of those four kids.

10:58 I don’t think he doesn’t love her, but why will a single guy raise 4 kids from another dude, specially because her marriage ends for infidelity on her part. If you were able to get emotional involved being married to the father of your children imagine the other dude. It’s very clear

This may be controversial to ask, however what percent of single men with no kids would want to marry a woman with 4 kids? What would be the point? That's literally an ENTIRE family. It sounds like the man loves her, however going from 0 to 100 over night with an already made family sounds extreme. How she "parents" also matters. I left a relationship bc the man I was dating wouldn't decipline his 1 child & expected me to be willing to not only tolerate the behavior, but also help financially support them if we got married, which I refused as a single woman with no children. Single parents should be able to fully support themselves before trying to date or remarry. The other person should not have to help clean up your mess ...

Also, (follow up comment) please don't pester a guy to marry you to the point where he gives in and gives you a "shut up ring" just to get you off his back. Because there are men (and women for that matter) out there who will do that. The net benefits of staying with you is greater than going through the process of finding someone else. A lot of people, both men and women, don't like or are scared to be lonely and many will stay in a relationship they shouldn't to simply not be alone.

No, he IS abusive: _emotionally._ Emotional abuse IS a thing. He's back and forth: I want to work on this marriage, then, I don't think I can do this~ I went with this marriage because it made you happy. 🤦🏻‍♀️ That is NOT someone a person _should_ want to be with. They should want to be with you 24/7. 😢 I'm sorry caller. You deserve better and so does he. BE with someone who actually WANTS to be with you!! ❤

Maybe the kids are too much for him. 4 kids is a lot

I wish my husband would move out. He does nothing to help with child care or pet care. He just makes things harder.

The second hubby really wants her to send those kids to their dad and start over with his own kids. He wants her to choose him over the kids. I don't feel bad for this woman. She was a raggedy wife to her first hubby and now she has a raggedy second husband.

The grass isn’t always greener. This woman decided to selfishly betray her admittedly good husband and children by having an affair. She’s not the victim in this situation, her children and ex husband are.

Yeah, I remarried when my youngest was 17. If I had it to do over again I’d probably have waited another year. Kids first. Relationships second.

I think this actually a great arrangement. He lives in his own place and she lives with her 4 children in her own place. On her call with Dave Ramsey, her main issue was she's broke but I bet if she made $150K she like having a companion husband to go on travel or to a concert but each spouse has their own space She's mad because she needs help and wants a simp to fund her lifestyle for maybe a decade and then she'll have another emotional affair.

“Dad sometimes gives mom gifts so she can buy groceries” OUCH! But that’s a beautiful truth! or ugly truth, depending on which planet you’re from. If she overlapped her last marriage with this one… then she has a lot of internal issues in the first place. No one with a sensible honoring mind does that. I’ve never understood that overlapping of relationships thinking you’ll live happily ever after. That’s bound to be a knot and a recurring one. A 💀 in the closet. How to start a healthy relationship a “beautiful love story to be proud of” but hurting and leaving someone else behind to hurt, someone you once CLAIMED to love? That’s dragging chaos from the past THINKING you’re starting a new slate. NEW?! More like muddy. if kids are involved, what kind of example are you giving? If you have kids is that the way you want you them to become? Or be treated like? Okayyy but enjoy your “love story” ACCOUNTABILITY. Her ex husband I’m sure had a billion flaws but he’s a good dad. So she has that going for herself. She’s more blessed than she thinks she is. She definitely needs a lot of therapy. She didn’t think about the kids that much if she’s in this predicament. I’m done judging.

Broke apart her marriage because she developed feelings for another man, but is trying to make this marriage work even though the only thing holding them together is her 🫠🙄 don’t want to be a single mom with 4 kids, don’t cheat 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kiddo. You CAN make it on your own. You DO NOT need a man. Show your kids how strong you truly can be.

I never understood getting with someone who has kids. A single dad is a turnoff to me.

My last long term relationship was like this. He never wanted to fully commit. Turned out he was a serial cheater. I think this woman needs to figure out her worth and tell him to bugger off, and then focus on herself and her kids.

Delony couldn't wait to say this was a bad guy. Maybe he felt pressured to marry someone with freaking 4., FOUR!!!!!! kids OMG 4!!!!!! KIDS not related to him. This guy already a hero in my book. Take what you can get, I BET YOUR TERRIFIED.

All I can say is don’t waste your hope on a man who is emotionally unavailable. When you begin to doubt if he is emotionally available, HE IS NOT. Hanging in there is damaging yourself. This Man in question just married to guarantee himself ready made intimacy and safe sex😊. However, if he supports you financially, you have decide what is it you are able to live with, whether that beats ending the marriage.

Does she work. She jumped from one guy to another never works. Rebound marriage. He has already told her how he feels

just speaking for her because she called in. First, she needs therapy./help. Emotinal affair, divorce, and even with child support, struggling financially to the point where she chose to be in an unhealthy situation, to feel somewhat secure. If you can't take care of yourself. You can't take care of your kids. An outsider will not be able to step in and fully support you, especially when you are struggling as a mother. If their child rearing philosophy dont align with yours, then dont be in a relationship. As step parent, they are there to really support you and help you uphold your way of raising your kids. There's really not much they can do as far as that is concern. Otherwise, they'll be stepping over the line .

In 40 seconds John says "He's not telling you the truth" and "He's telling you the truth."

Jill just needed therapy and Jesus. Her marriage could've lasted. This breaks my heart to see families break up!

She needs to reconsider the trust, self esteem, review her position in herself, recognise her worth. It’s not because she has 4 kids that she will not find the one. Make difference between choices. Rebuilding and recreating herself with confidence with in her nest. Let the man understand her kids is a gift and she will not give up on them. There are steps to follow then she will never accept being treated like this dude did to her. And STOP PLZ with your non sens comments and telling her a man will never accept 4 kids!! Stop thinking in a square … be consistent and helpful with your advice not sinking the scenario in a 🥣 of guilt!!! Lady stand up you can make everything right first in your life to prioritise what it’s important to you with your kids!!! And believe me with a strong caractère and fix standards you can do it!! Then the man will follow God bless ❤

Honestly, for anyone wondering WTF- this is a thing with/movement stepparents now, supported by internet. It has its roots in something understandable - like a situation where a man wants 50-50 custody of children he does not actually want to parent - but put off on a new GF/SM. The unparented/Disney parented kids don't respect SP's authority, and the actual parents just kind of dip. Suddenly SP is doing all of the school runs, cleaning up after kids, begging/threatening kids to clean up after themselves, begging kids to go to bed, etc. This has resulted in some internet boards suggesting exactly the arrangement described here, especially if the BP was preveiously child free and suddenly is living in a hostile or chaotic situation - maintain your own living space. Usually, they don't end up getting married, though. There is a step-parenting method called NACHO - not cho' kid, not cho' problem, where SP just kind of gives up, lets BP do all the parenting, driving kid to school, sports, fixing them dinners, discipline etc. Especially when kid is poorly parented, or high needs, or other BP is very high conflict. Their stance is "everything I do for my stepchild, I do just because I feel like it, and it is always extra, never expected." or "I will help if there is an emergency". I actually have a fair amount of sympathy for the SP listening to the stories of what led them there. The problem is that if their marriage partner is spending all of their time doing all these parenting things without support, while SP indulges in hobbies or whatever, than it is no suprise 1) the parent doesn't have anything left to invest in the relationship and 2) lack of mutual marital goals in daily life lead to a breakdown of the marital relationship. In this case - what the dude probabaly wants - a relationship when kids are with biodad, and to enjoy time with the caller stress free, and not to be parenting her children, but to have his own space he can escape to when it is her parenting time - maybe just see them for a defined timed outing. What caller wants - a full partner in her life. She may need to wait until her children and older and more self sufficient, if not out of the house.

She said she scared to leave him. But, he is not there anyways. She live with her 4 kids in the rental property. What is there to leave? Bcs, she will continue in her rental property with 4 kids. Maybe he is helping her with some finance by giving her some money. Or pay rental or buy groceries. That about it.

It’s hard to ask a man to take over single mom with 4 children. He likes you but he is not keen being a step dad. Just call it quits. Let him go. Let him create his own family. You should’ve divorced your ex.

This is what annulment is for. Sometimes we just make a big ol mistake.

I love my husband but i would love another home where i could go and just be myself sometimes no other man just me in my space doing what i want im a super big introvert so i love my alone time you dont really have that when your married

Blended families are so hard to have. If they’re not your kids that bond doesn’t just magically show up. Extensive premarital counseling is needed prior. They’re two different people trying to combine two different styles of living! Who’s to say who’s way is right, who’s way is wrong? I’m sure they meant well. He knew she had 4 kids.

Delony can't bring himself not to blame the man.

She is super insecure. Constantly feeling she has to be full of reassurances, that she has worth. She is a mother of 4 children. She needs to find a place of devotion to her children. Not her self fulfillment.

Why did he marry her ? He wanted a long term friend with benefits

I can see the guys point of view. When I go visit my friend who has 3 kids for only a few hours they are yelling, crying and throwing a tantrum I get such a bad headache I have to go home. I can’t imagine living with someone else’s kids. It’s so hard.

"My decisions affect their lives." Well NSS. Sounds like she knew that husband 2 was a problem when she married him...but she did it anyway. While the guy is a slug, I'm prepared to say that she is simply a mess. She makes horrible decisions.

Why didn’t she have this conversation before marriage? How irresponsible of her.

Whether she realizes it or not she is a very strong and brave woman. She has admitted to her faults which most people just don't. I hope she picks a path to peace in her life.

First husband is the man do not deal with women who look for outside attention when times are tuff period very simple I’m sad he couldn’t notice it sooner

I’m sorry but she just needs to get back together with the 1st husband and forget the 2nd husband. He got in over his head with her drama