That's why we shouldn't explain or defend ourselves verbally with Narcissists, it's simply giving them more potential ammo. Give them a look and they can't argue with that.
Is Dr. Ramani related to Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl?.... Bob Parr (A.K.A. Mr. Incredible), and his wife Helen (A.K.A. Elastigirl), are the world's greatest famous crime-fighting superheroes in Metroville. Always saving lives and battling evil on a daily basis. They do not wear capes! From the 2004 movie, "The Incredibles".
Observe what they’re saying, but don’t absorb it. Don’t identify with it. Recognise as something that is separate to you and something that belongs to them.
@@melodyharmony8448 absorb means to take it personally. You should say to yourself “there they go again, treating me like they treat everyone (which is true). Poor thing they are out of control. Perhaps I can be kind and de escalate the situation (IF I have the training) so they can get back to what passes for normal for them. If not poor thing I won’t take your remarks as having to do with me...they have to do with you.” One is still stressed by the situation but the stress is much reduced. And once it really cools down you can tall yourself that yiu handled yourself well while the other person was making an asshole of themself...and you did not. It works but it takes practice. But pride and a sense of personal empowerment comes from it. You do NOT get power over the other person. But realizing you have power over yourself and you remained a lady or a gentleman when they acted like a fool and tried to get yiu to be a bigger fool. If you argue with them or act inappropriately and become the bigger fool then they win. They made a fool of you. If you let them win the fool’s contest, well good. I do not wish to win the fool’s contest and be the bigger fool. 😊 it has taken me years to learn how to do this and much of it I taught myself. Now all these narcissism videos have come out and (deep sigh) they have served to validate me. And to encourage me to keep up the good work. If you remain in a relationship with them you will still suffer sometimes at their hands. But you will not suffer even further because you played into their hands. You can do it too. Love, Bob
My therapist told me, "When he starts with his disruption, don't defend yourself. Just look at him and think, this is who he is." It took me a while, but now I get it. Thank you Dr. Ramani for supporting me. I couldn't do it without you. You've changed my life for the better!
One thing that Dr. R does which has been very helpful is that she says the same things, which are really pretty simple, over and over again in slightly different ways. Dealing with a narc is not intuitive. They don't react like healthy people. It takes a while - it's taking me a while - to slowly learn the rules of the game. And it will always be the narc's rules when you play with them, they won't (can't) have it any other way. Dr. R repeatedly lays out those same basic principles with slightly different insights each week. So now I can listen to one of Dr R's videos and reflect on specific situations and judge if my reaction was helpful or harmful. The more I listen to her the more the fog starts to clear on an absolutely baffling and frustrating relationship, and the faster I can recognize a developing situation and start to get ahead of it. It seems the narc has powerful weapons but they are actually few in number and easy to recognize once you know them.
Exactly! I thought I was supposed to "do everything I could" to get HIM to understand! Why did I only feel "insane" when I was with him? After ten years, I realized I was pouring water in a glass with no bottom! Done! ✅
@@heatherg5854 Tortured children becoming torturers when they're grown up. But they don't understand that it's not fair to take revenge their past from innocent people around them...
It's like trying to soak up water (aka explaining a problem / feeling) with a sponge (aka a narcissistic) that's already fully saturated with its own liquid (aka inability to comprehend any other point of view but their own). What happens if you try? The original water (aka problem / feelings) is still there, but now you've got even MORE water all over the floor because the soaking sponge (aka narc) has been squeezed. Pointless!
@@ladybaabaa3294 Thank you 💜💕 It's only looking back that I realise the shell of myself I had become at the end. He was dissatisfied with everything and I was like "look you clearly don't even like me as a person anymore so why are we bothering here?". The eventual discard was spectacular and timed for the biggest hurt and disruption in my life. Then he wanted to be friends! *Friends!!!!!!* I can't repeat what I told him lol xx
I don't need the deep technique, I need the "don't start laughing" technique. It's just, ever since I've learned about narcissism and what makes it characteristic, I just can't stop myself from bursting into tears from laughing so hard when they go into narc mode. It's like they all follow a manual or a narc skript and they're so stuck in it that I can't help but laugh like an idiot. I was raised thinking that every single one of us is absolutely unique and then they're just all the same, LITERALLY!!!
Haha i laugh at narcs too now. It makes them so uncomfortable which then makes me giggle more. But this deep technique is definitely useful when you cant just laugh em off.
Yes, I too have to keep myself from laughing at him sometimes. But it also makes me feel like I'm just as horrible as he is when I show no empathy. It's odd. I sometimes have had to ask myself if I'm the narc when I want to tell him to "stop" or "I've heard this before" or "do we have to talk about this AGAIN (and I can no longer hide the sarcasm) " or "I don't have time for this because I have to get ready for work". Does this make sense?
I also have my laughing fits. My ex cheated on me so much and tried to justify it with, "Whenever you were distant (busy) I looked for comfort somewhere else and I did sleep with other people. But whenever things were going fine I didn't do anything with anyone else (lie). I just wanted you to know that." LMAO are you serious? These narcs actually believe this stuff and think that is justified and that they're saints. I don't even pity them anymore. No contact is the only way.
Don't Defend. Don't Explain. Don't Engage. Don't Personalize. Being Authentic is hard when you know people are using it against you. But its not forever! Others will see you and the difference in communication and the ability to be you will be night and day! Don't ignore the red flags.
I think the narcissist must feel very humiliated when they can't rattle you or get you to react anymore. What else do they have when they lose that power over you.
I remember a particular argument where I said "excuse me for trying to defend myself." My mom turned to me and said, "YOU have no defense." I never tried to talk to her again.
As I watch dr.Ramani’s videos I realize I made so many mistakes and wasted so much energy while going nuts trying to explain and trying to defend myself in my almost 7 year relationship with my ex narcissist . It’s all so clear now...I was not crazy ! 1 month and counting the blessings ! 🙏
Document every situation of love bombing. If he tries to text, call, leave gifts at your house. If it is known no contact you can file for an emergency protective order and get a final protective order in court with your documented evidence. That's what I'm doing right now.
I put up with it for my children to keep their dad. Now they are married and have children. You can imagine the length of my nightmare!! I plan to divorce very soon and spend my left years of my life in healthy, peaceful environment, or in solitude.
@@philima I kept saying to myself I need my life back, I am finally at the stage to take it back now after the second hoover, neither worked and I have not seen him in two months, I just need him to stop texting me.
30 years of trying to figure him out. Blaming his traumatic childhood and father issues. Trying to better myself. 60, no job, many miles away from family, and no support system. Your videos are filling my soul with validation. Thank you!
@@ladypeace8912it's a realistic fear. I was stuck in my narc family (parents and brother) until now, at 57. It's seems so hard to get out, but trust me, once you're doing it, it's not as horrible as you anticipated it to be. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. That's what they have done to you. But your mind will heal fast, once it gets the opportunity. It's ready. I wish you courage and strength, and many years full of love and respect. You deserve it.
10:30 it took me a long time to realize that narcissism is about superficiality and being so egoistic and insecure that making everyone else around them feel bad is sort of par for the course
So true! A narc's insecurities are mind boggling. You cannot reason with or defend yourself when dealing with a narc. You are wasting your time and energy.
This is very tough to learn, but essential. Beware when you’re tired, just got up, going to bed-you can get caught of guard and suddenly you’re defending in court.
Soooo true. I've been doing extremely well handling my pathologically narcissistic mother throughout the past year, and found myself defending when caught off guard one morning. Mere seconds later, I realized I'd done so retrospectively and was beyond frustrated. Suffice to say, I learnt this lesson at that very moment, and am even more cautious now with EVERY communicative exchange.
That statement about how grey rocking is hard because it’s a constant inauthentic state was gold for me! It’s exactly how I feel and tried to express. It is almost just as taxing as interacting. I stick to it but it feels so foreign and at times like I am losing who I am. But having close friends is absolutely key. Thank you for this validation
I have had to repeat the mantra of don’t defend and don’t explain to myself while he is ranting and cursing at me. It was so hard to hold my tongue back. Then when I didn’t engage at all, he hit me a few times as if he was frustrated that he didn’t get a reaction. I’m still stuck here
Yup, I used to defend myself, try to explain so he could understand me and why I was hurt by his behaviours. I used to engage so we could sort out issues and it was personalised because our relationship was so important to me, I wanted us to resolve and learn from our fights. In the end, I was blamed for my reactions. He discarded me because he was “scared of my reactions” and that I “loved to argue”. Better yet, if we could have argued in his language “he would win and not me”. It was never about winning - for me, it was what I thought was for love.
This channel is a gold mine. Once you gain clarity on narcissistic patterns, you realise that you are the power because you have what they need and they are dependent on it. You can actually find observing their behaviours quite amusing. But more often it's just sad, especially, if they are someone you used to respect.
Good points made in your post. Also, where you wrote, "But more often it's just sad, especially, if they are someone you used to respect." Ah, yes. My "aha moment," realizing how I let myself be duped while I also RESPECTED and TRUSTED him -- "aha" and then "oh, no" and "why?" -- thinking on those and then making me very sad and sometimes angry.
My mom is a grandiose narcissist. When I was younger and tired of dealing with her devaluing phases, I’d just stare at her as she was calling me names and accusing me of doing and feeling things I never did. I was grey rocking and didn’t even know. That made her even more furious. She used to tell me to stop staring her with my “snake eyes”
Yeah they get mad, and then mental abuse come to physical in worst cases, the worst thing about mental abuse is you can’t show it to other people that atleast they can believe it, It’s just the mental thing going on all over the place,
Also experiencing this one! They want a reaction. Any reaction. And the anger escalates until they can feed off of your reaction. No reactions means there is nothing to feed.
Holly, while I don't know you or your details, this sounds all too familiar to me, and it's setting off alarm bells in my head. Someone who escalates like that gets off on the escalation and the fight and "winning." Hurting you (possibly just emotionally now, but don't count on it staying at that level) makes him feel in control and powerful. It won't stop. It will likely get worse. Power over you may be his drug of choice, and if that's true he'll need more to feed the habit as time passes. You may not be safe.
"Its not because you aren't good enough, it's because they're treating you badly." Thank you Dr Ramani. I kept engaging for decades with my mother and her flying monkeys, giving them opportunities to treat me with contempt. Life is so much better with only people who reciprocate love and appreciation. I grieve for the people who used to love me in return but were turned against me by slander, but they are no longer the loving ones they were. They are different, practising their cruelty, so I'm not begging any more.
Don't Defend, Explain, Engage, Personalise Deep = the authentic person's response to the narc's DARVO encompassing Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim Offender. Thank you Dr Ramani 🙏💖
@@mantisno9201 The narc switches the roles of who is the offender and who is the victim. While the narc is the offender in reality, s/he will try to portray the situation as if the narc is the victim, and the victim in reality is the offender.
I feel like I have wasted so much time and energy, especially now that I know that for almost two years, I've been doing the equivalent of arguing with a box of rocks
Ha ha, it's like we'd need a stick of dynamite to move their thinking! Kaboom, mine gets! He's learning the hard, I'm gonna ruffle your rocks you piss me off so much, way! If I ever cook for him again (been a decade, only at Xmas and he'd better stay out of my kitchen) I'll say "Hay pile of rocks, which hot 🔥 spice you want added so you can taste something?"
I wish I knew this as a child. My mother accused me of terrible things on a regular basis and defending myself caused her to harm me emotionally and physically. Was terrible and scary.
I didn't start defending myself until I got into my teens and was forced to live with my "mother". Our society is toxic with it's whole mantra of "people will accept you for who you are if you just explain and be true to yourself with them" and "everyone has good in them somewhere!!" nonsense.
I swear Dr. Ramani, Melania Tonia Evans, Ross Rosenberg, Lisa Romano and others I am sorry I didn’t get to are like The Avengers of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery.
Thankyou so much Dr.Ramani. I have been out of the relationship for 4 months now and have been following your advice. You have empowered me and made me feel strong again. The old me is back and I love her. I am confident, and free. You are a treasure for us all. 🌟
It's hard, because you still hear their words ringing in your head. Once you start to hear Dr Ramani's words, and understand the truth, you will have peace.
Until I went into therapy and uncovered the narcissistic abuse my mother dished out all my life, you could have powered a small city on the energy I wasted on her defending and explaining myself 😢 Thank you Dr Ramani for this short, to the point and extremely useful video
Every time I start to think I could maybe have a relationship with my narc mom, I always start defending, explaining, and engaging because she tries everything to get any kind of rise out of me. Then I remember who TF I am and don’t need to do that anymore :)
I went to my elderly father's physical therapy session to be supportive to him. (He was a narcissist, but I didn't know that at the time.) He yelled at me, "you're a worthless piece of shit!" and the physical therapist looked shocked. I calmly said, "you're having a bad day. I'm leaving." And I left.
I visit this video from time to time to remind myself not to defend, engage, explain, nor personalize. I'm grateful for you Dr. Ramani. You helped me make it out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm finally divorced and, for the most part, free from the vulnerable narcissist. By the way, I love your podcast.
I agree with your opinion on grey-rocking. It's kind of being insincere about what you may be feeling. But it's kind of like ducking when a fist is coming at your face. Necessary!
It's CHOOSING what you convey. Since they use your own words, responses and emotional state against you, it is withholding that from them. Learning to "veil" one's facial expressions, means they can't tell what you're thinking. It gives them less to work with.
These videos have become my armor to put on to protect myself from my narcissistic parents. I’m nearly forty with a family of my own and I’ve felt wrong footed around them all my life, forever trying to defend or explain myself with only further defeat and humiliation to show for it. Dr Ramani has given me clarity to see the toxicity of this relationship and methods to refuse engagement. I’m so incredibly grateful.
Oh boy … I did this and I am ashamed. My son married a covert Narc and I bought into it hook line and sinker for awhile also. Then recently he accused me of a laundry list of things I did NOT do and I got so defensive - it got ugly , the call ended and I haven’t heard a peep from him I am 72 and been supportive of him for 49 years. Than this person comes along and snap, just like that he is gone. I am thankful he shares custody of my granddaughter and that her mother has expressed that she needs me in her life and will let me visit with her - it is the worst thing I have ever experienced and never met anyone like his wife before. She is the poster child of a narcissist- she love bombed him and me.. and slowly dismissed me after I did so much for her , her kids and them as a couple. It is hard to be done. But your videos are helping a lot.. I am stamping DEEP on my forehead … thank you
THE ENDLESS TEXT BATTLES!! You are literally telling me EVERYTHING my narcissistic ex does to me daily... I can't thank you enough for what you do. You have helped me through so much with this person. Narcissistic abuse plus him also having mental issues is the worst combination. Co parenting with a person like this is a dead end... THANK YOU DR. RAMANI❤
D.E.E.P. Seeing it, hearing it, practicing it, over and over (40 times and above, I think is the number of repetitions needed to make deep changes) will be such a useful tool to remind me over and over again to not play games with a narcissist. This reminds me of the book entitled “Games People Play”. Thanks as always 🙏🏼
That's what she said lol on a more serious note, I'm going to use this technique next time my sister comes to visit. Thank you Doctor Ramani, as always!
I am not exaggerating when I say that stumbling on the videos of Dr. Ramani has changed my life. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani for being generous with your knowledge and explaining things in such a clear, informed, compassionate yet direct, no sugar coating way. I had reached a critical breaking point, my mental and physical health were breaking down. Now, as difficult and painful as it is, I see a way forward. ❤
Perfect timing! Got an accusing blaming email yesterday which included their feelings and opinion. Basically outlining my bad behavior and motives and how difficult it's making something for them and how they feel (because of my boundary). Pointing out their superior rational way and my irrational (because they want to act like nothing bad has been done by them) and I should continue to serve/help them as usual, minimizing ignoring decades of abuse to me and our kids.. This morning I was thinking if and how to respond. This is perfect. I will give required information only and not address ANYTHING else they said or accept the judgement/accusation.
Just happened yesterday. I decided not to give any respond, I didn't even try to defend myself when she started to blame things on me. I didn't even make any eye-contact. I didn't even show any emotion on my face. The only thing I tried is making sure her gaslighting didn't affect me emotionally. And I can see how confused my mom was. It felt so good that I can finally control myself more! Thank you Dr. Ramani! ❤
They only respect you when you go deep. You must realize that they're heartless meat sacks. There is nothing underneath that 3 year old babies filled diapers drama, called a narc rage theater play, they pull whenever they get a "no". Just go deep, walk out the door safely, never return , stay deep forever. Don't go looking for a heart where there is none.
This is all so true! By the time I learned what narcissism was, I had a whole collection of them. Mother, sibling, spouse, friends, in-laws, etc. I wasted so much time and energy defending myself from the crazy, that it quite literally made me crazy. My kids witnessed so much of it, that by the time I tried to break free, I had destroyed their trust in me. All the Narcs I had allowed in my life were all too eager to jump aboard my crazy train and convince my kids that "I was losing it." Luckily with lots of hard work, I was able to break free and pull my kids out of this mess. They don't totally understand narcissism, but they get that "Mom had a rough start in life" and "hurt people attract toxic people." I have a very good close relationship with all of them now. Some of them still maintain distant relationships with these narcs, but I aggressively (but not angrily) shut down any attempt to recruit them as flying monkeys.
I survived adolescence as a grey rock. I became one long before I knew what one was. I was near completely shut down and void. I made a promise to myself that some day I would be free to shine: have friends, an emotional life, live to speak my truth.
Thank you for your inspired and focused video. DEEP is the best way to shorten the abuse cycle. I was just “discarded”by my narc after a second malignant hoover. I can feel the impulse to do all of these things but thanks to your videos I know what I am dealing with. You are saving years of wasted time. The poor narcissists will soon have no one left to abuse if everyone hears about this technique! I wish there was a way to help them! They were victims of abuse and it’s sad to know there is no way they will ever be restored to true authentic selfhood. Whatever suffering they cause others must be pretty much on par with what they themselves have suffered. It’s a tragic loss of an authentic life. I feel profoundly sad for the child they were that was not heard and not seen and monster they became because of it.
Such thoughtfulness, awareness and compassion in your post. I sometimes think of what the narc in my life has suffered, seeming to me that this person cannot reach into and experience what others can with regard to love, empathy, etc. My counselor and I discussed that and she did agree that this person in my life must be suffering; however, she did again reinforce the idea that hurtful behavior to others on the part of the narcissist (even though he is suffering inside) -- that the abuse from the narcissist is never acceptable.
My nickname my whole life was Can Do until I married a covert, it changed after years to the fixer, was my epiphany today. Well I'm changing it back and leaving that narc out in the cold, where he belongs with such a cold unfeeling heart. I'm getting DEEP with that!
For me, gray rocking is like crawling inside myself to hide myself. It is lonely and miserable but it beats defending myself for his sick entertainment. The superficial conversations are killing me. I hope I am out soon. Thank you for this video!
Thank you sooooo much for this! I am working so hard on applying DEEP. It is difficult to learn, particularly as an Empath. It is working WELL though. Bless you for this, especially as we’re going through some very difficult days. You are a Godsend. Thank you!!!👍🏼💯💗🕊💪🏼🌹
I have had to repeat the mantra of don’t defend and don’t explain to myself while he is ranting and cursing at me. It was so hard to hold my tongue back. Then when I didn’t engage at all, he hit me a few times as if he was frustrated that he didn’t get a reaction. I’m still stuck here
If you are defending yourself in a narcissistic relationship, don’t! I tried to nicely defend myself from her lies but she never listened to me, nor would she ever listen to me. It was exactly a “kangaroo court” that she dragged out in front of everyone to make me the bad guy and her the innocent victim. Please, run away and never look back! It is not worth it.
I love this! Last night I messaged a woman in a support group who is in her own personal Hell. She was sure the divorce mediation would get his attention and get him to change, but of course it didn't, and she is miserable. I'm forwarding this to her right now. Fantastic tool! Thank You!
Dr ramani...I can honestly say she has helped me so much in understanding what I was going through...27 years of this mental abuse and 5 months into no contact... after watching and studying all these videos I am already feeling refreshed as I have a greater understanding of narcissism now... thank you for your videos ☺
Once again, every point rings true for the Narcs in my life. I indeed whipped out my pen/paper to take notes, and will put it on my bathroom mirror to help me remember these important things: "They aren't listening and don't care," "they only have room for their own narrative," and "When they are dehumanizing you, it's not because you're not enough, it's because they are treating you badly." THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!! VERY EMPOWERING, SUPPORTIVE, AND GROUNDING!! XOXO
Thank you for this video. It validates a strategy I developed to deal with my father-in-law, who is notorious for creating a verbal vortex with his family. In the past, I have been sucked into it. I believe he has tapped into old wounds of mine, so when I get sucked in it is animated (to say the least). At some point I started ending discussions when they were getting out of hand, usually by saying that I was done. That enraged him, to the point of not taking to my wife - his own daughter - for weeks. Thing is, he and I can get into huge blowouts (no violence, no outward aggression), and he is fine. But if I end the conversation on my own terms? That is the biggest insult possible. So I started avoiding engagement. I actually remind myself when he gets started: 'Don't engage.' It works so much better for all of us. However, sometimes his persistence wins and I'm sucked right back in. I will memorize DEEP and keep it in mind when I see him. Hopefully that helps. I think it will. What you say about gray-rocking, calling it an impoverished form of human connection is so true. It actually hurts, but it is better than feeding the narcissist and having it all blow up.
don't DEEP: defend, explain, engage, and personalize. . . "to explain. . . and then have it ignored, is extremely invalidating" (5:14). . . "in the long term, remaining in any kind of narcissistic relationship is not good for your health" (6:24). . . "emotional abuse is not okay. never." (8:12)
Wow, why didn't I now knew this years ago, suffering for more than 20 years leading into anxiety and panic disorders. Dr. Ramani, you're given me what I exactly need. Thank you
At 2:45; My narc younger brother accused me of not being there at all for my Dear Mother while she was dying. Being there for my young Mother in the final months of her life took everything out of me. These narcs literally do not care about anyone bar themselves!
As the saying goes, 'Better late learning the DEEP technique than never.' This video came in at the right time as I've been going through a difficult time with my family, and I very much appreciate it.
This is exactly how I responded to a friend where we repeated this cycle over & over again. I’m only just now fully connecting the dots.i didn’t see her as a narcissist but the way I intuitively responded was exactly as you described, word for word. Thankyou for explaining this, now I have language & a tangible concept to identify how I handled things; it feels a lot less like a “me” thing and further confirms that I did the right thing.🙏 It’s taken so long, years & years of the same old shit with multiple toxic relationships of all kinds: family, friends, romantic...& I’m finally able to stand my ground & stop being a narc magnet 👏 I see them coming a mile off & now I just allow myself to be “rude” and ignore new people if I don’t trust them based on first impression. Sending love to my fellow empathetic beings, your love is never wasted; give it back to yourself ❤️❤️❤️
This is so perfect for my work situation. Thank you so so much. Its so easy to get confused in the moment, and I've been thinking to myself how I can stay clear and maintain my private self-validated reality when I'm being toyed with, deep is the perfect representation of this image, thank you!
Thank you so much for this. It has saved my life and sanity. I’ve seen your videos and applied them to the situation in my life. I used DEEP it was like watching a playbook. I could call the next play and just sit and watch. Took away my guilt gave me and my family boundaries, stability. You know it’s a game and I’m not playing it. It was just really amazing using this seeing it work and then the harsh reality of this person is a narcissist. It’s a game folks don’t play.
This is perfect for me today!! I received a baiting letter from my mother 2 days ago. On my daughters bday. I’ve been trying to get my parents to accept my NC choice/need for two years now so I thought I could handle reading her guilt. I also deep down still had hope that maybe there would be evidence of change inside. I hate not having a family. Anyway, I was immediately angry and wanted to respond to confront her untrue accusations and attempt to twist the narrative that I am hurting her and haven’t explained why I won’t talk to her. I just wanted to matter of fact respond with the facts, keep anger out...but I realized pretty quickly that I was sucked in to her crazy making and feeding her desire for a fight(even though she acts like she hates fights). I was highly depressed, angry and hopeless by the end of the next day (yesterday). I was able to put it aside to finish out my daughters bday well with her but I understood that my mother’s intention was probably to try to provoke issue on that important day for us (since she was offended to not be a part of it). Long story to say THANK YOU for this video. I’ve never heard it put in an acronyms like that.
My "mother" sent me an apology letter riddled with all kinds of mushy lovey dovey (creepy!!) sentimental bullshit after publicly humiliating me at a meeting she agreed to in order to resolve these tantrums of hers., something was supposed to mend our "shattered" relationship. I haven't responded and it's almost a year. However, i did set up an experiment of my own where I cried and screamed at the top of my lungs, even to the point of primal screaming when we had company over. I told her that she could see how upset i was at that meeting and that she could see it at that moment. I went over all of the ways she could get help. She sat there, eerily placid and calm, but her eyes were more black than a black hole, and she calmly told me that it was obvious that was in "immense distress" and that it was clear that I wasn't happy living here. Later that night, she gave me a note that read "I want you to know that what happened to day is just a sign of how stressed you are. I want to help but I don't know how." As if everything I said about how she could get help where never mentioned. She came into my room while I was mulling it over to myself about how she's an abuser (which somehow I knew even as a young child but never admitted) and again, her eyes were blackened. "I'm not an abuser. I don't know where you're getting this from." She told me in her most pseudo sympathetic voice. I told her in a firm, but not angry voice "We'll talk about this later." She simply stood at my door with a never ending stare. I got up and closed the door in her face...never heard a mention of it since!
I now go by "If that's who you are, then that's YOU" attitude 🤭 This mantra helps me ensure I keep on following the DEEP Technique. Their words are meaningless to me now. They can say all hurtful stuff and I can still go on my day just fine. Lots of high-likely narcissistic people in the workplace. I'm starting to love my current job. I'm 7 months in and I want to stay with this company for the next 5 years or so. Thank you for everything. I can now coexist with these people and not break down and cry.
I heard someone say a loooong time ago "Don't roll in the mud with pigs. You'll get dirty. And they will like it" I think of that as I'm watching this. Awesome information!
6:42 i wish i would had developed the close relationships. Because of the closedness of the narcs, i thought nobody wanted to hear from me, and that my voice was useless. My voice was useless to those who didnt want to listen
Dear Gamer Guy, your voice is important. As you said, your voice was only useless to those who didn't want to listen. Thanks for sharing your experience. Please surround yourself with people who want to listen to you, who care about what you have to say and who believe your truth. My voice has been 'useless' for forty years, and consequently, I literally lost my voice. Now Dr Ramani is helping me get my voice back.
This is so excellent and really breaks down the psyche of the narcissist. Growing up as a scapegoat the comments from my narc family was always “why are you always so defensive or so sensitive” because they knew that the kangaroo court was set up for me from the start. They even had a special chair for me in the tv lounge when they would call me to confront me about anything they felt I did wrong and the entire finale would join in on the mobbing so much that even distant cousins would blame me for them breaking things in the house as children because they saw the pattern was to blame me in the home. They expect your defence and they love it because that is how they get the fight started and their ego stroked. This is why they love antagonistic arguments and chaos. This technique helped me while I was stuck back at home recently and they started saying “I had changed” and the love bombing became so extreme because they needed me back in the vortex. You may not feel authentic but I suggest you talk to others in your life who deserve your authenticity and for me it was a close friend and cousin who loved me for who I was as a person which kept me sane.
This is gold. Deep is the way you get to control and shut them out of their supply. They don't ever listen, they're not sincere, not authentic, so why bother trying to put things right. You know what you are and what you did, that's all that matters. Cut their supply and they will leave you alone sooner.
Don’t Defend, Explain, Engage or Personalize. Thank you Dr Ramani! It is so hard to take my attention off of my NF and focus on myself. Thousands of hours lost in those behaviors. I live in my head now and can’t feel all but my strongest emotions.
Oh my gosh! This video was perfect timing. I have to go back to my marital home (hopefully for the last time) to get the remainder of my things this Sunday. I've been anxious all week about what I will be encountering. This helps so much and I will be rewatching and using the advice to prepare mentally before I go.🙏 I lived in defending, engaging, explaining, and personalizing for nine years. NO MORE.
If you think about it grey rock is more authentic than fighting useless battles with the narcissist pretending like your feelings, words, etc might actually mean something to them.
Agreed. Just like the doc says, we know we can't teach the narc, so why expend your energy? I think she means it's preferable to communicate, but that's rare with narcs. Stay Strong 💪
I've had horrible emotionally draining episodes of me attempting to defend myself and explain myself to my mother via email. I've spent hours which equaled a few days agonizing over the "perfect" words to compose in my emails. I've become a lot better while doing the deep technique. I think the most difficult part is to not take it personally, especially when you only have one parent.
Another trait is the "I've been coping with a headache all day but because I didn't want to ruin your day I've been keeping it to myself" The day is not complete unless: 1) the narc has a medical issue to "endure" or 2) the narc has a fight with someone; best day, having both.
Omg. Literally just said this. I appreciate you taking this well. I didn’t know what to expect and it’s been on my mind so much. Every evening I tell myself tomorrow I’ll feel better and I get a full day in. It hasn’t happened. I’m actually somewhat afraid to find out. If it isn’t, I’m a wimp. If it is, I’m out for 2 weeks. Again, thank you. And thank you for the information.
@Mary Carroll I laughed to myself tonight when my narc frantically looked for Zyrtec for all the mosquito bites he acquired on our dog walk and didn't understand how I didn't get bit. Umm bec neither did you. 😄 Every night is another fabricated ailment.
Keep your conversations as brief as possible with the narc. I told my narc that my convos were limited to 5 minutes with him because the convo usually took a turn at the 5 minute mark. At 5 minutes(usually 2 or 3 minutes😂) I’d totally stop talking and/or responding.
This is very true. Now at dinner i only ask my parents if they want some more pasta or need the water and that's it. I keep all my energy and my authenticity for my little sister who's a sweet soul and needs someone to talk to - and we try talk as much as we can while they're not here. My parents would take everything (LITERALLY) i say to twist it and use it against me one way or another. Never engaging with them again
This is exactly what happen to meet today in a social group that supports people who be exposed to narcissist abuse. They are everywhere and they will do whatever to get their narcissist supply.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I really needed to hear this today. Dealing with a covert narcissist who doesn't think that's there is anything wrong with the way that they behave... Living a secret life behind my back... Just checked out of a relationship like this. You are so worthy, whole and deserving of a better life... ❤
What I found helped me the most was when I realized I was not living with a normal person. It always frustrated me when I said or did something and his action or reaction was completely out of whack. Just out of left field. After one particularly egregious episode of gaslighting, it clicked for me. I was frustrated because I expected his response or his reaction to be what a normal person would do. I started to pay more attention to what he actually did (vs what a normal person would do), and gear my own expectations accordingly. Sometimes I would forget and again be surprised by his behavior, but that would just serve to help me adjust my expectations again. I realized it wasn't about me, it was his problem, and nothing I could do was ever going to wake him up or get him to change. As his irrational and irresponsible behaviors "got to me" less and less, he could see he was losing his grip on my mind. His power over me was slipping away. The more I employed the "DEEP" techniques you describe, the freer I got. Eventually he moved out and it was like a dark cloud was lifted from my home. I still had to stay in contact because of the minor children in the home. When we were forced to move to a different city, the abuse was mainly over the phone, so I was able to just hang up on him! That actually taught him that he would lose his audience if he became abusive. It worked really well! Rather than argue, defend myself, or otherwise engage, I would just hang up the phone and not answer it when he called me back a dozen times. He didn't change who he was, but he stopped abusing me on the phone.
