Narcissism vs Avoidant Attachment 

I hate having an avoidant attachment personality type.

"Not the right people" is such a valuable addition. People who will bring warmth to your life will happily accept boundaries. They see boundaries for what they are, an invitation for someone to get closer.

Dealing with a narcissist is what made me avoidant lol. I was so scarred by it that I became suspicious of most people. Especially people who seemed to be laying it on very thick early in a relationship

A good friend gave me this advice: "It doesn't matter what their attachment style is or whether they are NPD, etc. If they choose to use manipulation on you (and each will do it in different ways) to get their needs met rather than being open, present, and communicative, they're not capable of an adult relationship, and you don't need that." Spot-on.

Thanks for not demonizing avoidant people, I’m not trying to hurt anyone, it’s literally just how I feel safe.

I can love an avoidantly attatched person. Understand one. Be with one, without judgement... But a narcissist, that's another story. There's a big difference between a person with abandonment trauma who has issues letting you in completely vs someone who wants to control you.

My husband has Avoidant Attachment and had an extremely difficult childhood. His ACE score is like 8 or something. He never really let anyone in and was extremely guarded. We were friends online for a couple of years and had no intention of dating before we met irl and could not deny the chemistry and started dating. He had extremely low self esteem. He moved to my town, had dinner with my family every night, and saw how different my family and my parents operated. It started a process of building him up, making him feel valued and special and a part of our family. What a marriage with loving parents can look like. Now, 14 years later, I know him very well. I know that he fears rejection and is insecure. I know what topics of conversation will trigger his defensiveness. I still talk to him about them, it a gentle and mindful way. We are at the point now where he doesn't need space from me anymore. He gets angry less, he gets defensive less, he's more patient, he's an amazing father. Sometimes we still run into his walls, and his walls stay up a lot with strangers he doesn't know. But with family, he's himself, and I love him very much, and how much he's grown.

The difference is the first will Hurt you consciously and the other will Hurt you unconsciously.

Not to mention that an avoidant attachment style also often forms as a RESULT of narcissistic abuse. Growing up with a narcissistic father and then forming close relationships with primarily narcissistic people just reinforced my avoidance, and the most recent relationship I had of almost a decade with someone who was a covert narcissist genuinely turned me to alcoholism and complete and total avoidance of forming any new relationships or even maintaining ones I already had. I have no energy for socializing anymore and have nothing left in me to give. I’d often rather be alone because even if it’s painful and I feel empty, at least it’s not as painful as completely losing myself in narcissistic relationships and suffering constant abuse. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. Of course ultimately it’s my own responsibility to heal and take accountability for my actions and behavior. I’m working on it every day and slowly getting better, but it’s sooo hard. Trying to form new relationships and maintain closeness with people makes me feel like my life is in legitimate danger, so interactions that most people wouldn’t even think twice about are literally beyond exhausting to me. Nothing is easy or simple. I have to constantly reassure myself that I’m safe and no one can hurt me unless I let them, unless I give them power over me. It’s impossibly difficult to retrain myself, but I know the alternative is a life of emptiness, loneliness, and unintentionally hurting the people around me who I love the most. Constantly battling instinct is hard but I know that ultimately it’s worth it.

“The goal is facing fear of abandonment” That line was so heavy. I’m definitely an aloof avoidant and I need the realize the right people will understand and stay by me. It’s not my fault that my guardians and people from my past emotionally messed me up, but it’s my responsibility to not let the damage affect those I love. Thank you for posting.

I once was an avoidant, but once I started study psychology and realised that and how it was affected me as well as the reason I was doing I started working hard on changing my pattern behaviour. Today finally I can say I have been in a 6 years healthy and loving relationship and an able to be vunerable and love deeply as never before, it took me 35years but I am happy with my journey. Its such a blessing. Also a tip for those of you who are avoidant it helps if you choose to have a relationship with someone with a secure atttachement style. I was so scared to fall in love because deep down I was afraid I would loose that person and suffer, the same way I lost my dad when I was 14. But when I realised that the same "protection mechanism" was preventing me from actually living life fully I made the decision to let go of my "armour" it didn't happen overnight...

It is good that these types of people are recognized, not to judge, but to distance ourselves and avoid the trauma they can cause us.

Avoidants can also be rooted in an upbringing of emotional neglect, too, I believe. Not just the type that's obvious but when parents don't teach how to experience, express, or process emotions whatsoever and don't offer comfort or curiosity when you're hurting emotionally. This is the case for my dismissive-avoidant partner.

It's also important to note that this narcissistic need for power, admiration, and control comes from a sense of _lacking_ both. These are people with self-esteem so deep in the pits that they needed to forge an entirely new identity to dissociate from it. The problem with this is, this fake sense of self requires regular upkeep from external sources to feel real, and the true self is still a raw nerve mired in toxic shame, so any negative feedback registers as a death threat to their nervous system - something the false self is designed to stave off at all costs.

I’m hyper-avoidant to the point I don’t even like being touched or relationships at all. Gotta love all the terrible humans who ruined me and left me in utter terror to let anyone get close. Thank you for clarifying how this is not narcissism but learned trauma responses. The danger people pose isn’t worth it. 😞 💔

I have the avoidant attachment style. When I was a child I never felt safe with anyone, never could show vulnerablility without being critisized. I can't open up about anything, not even my achievements, showing any part of me feels wrong. I stay away from people because I know I'd be frustrating to deal with, but it still hurts seeing people here call avoidants "selfish" or "heartless". I just want to be left alone

Here's another fun trick from a narcissist; accusing you of being avoidant, on purpose, to punish them, because they've proven they can't be trusted with your feelings. And you setting those boundaries disallows them more access to you, because they feel entitled to you either way. It's also a form of gaslighting; "I never did anything that bad. You need a therapist for withdrawing yourself emotionally from me."

“NOT THE RIGHT PEOPLE”!!!! BOOM!!! Truth bomb! Uh yeah, so I’ll be saving this one and watching it on repeat!!! Pushing away the toxic and holding out for what I deserve……..indeed……thank you so very much for the knowledge and the reminders to want more for ourselves!!! Appreciate you! 🙏

I'm very thankful that sumbody out there actually knows the difference between a pile of shit and sumbody who's done being hurt

Grateful for this cuz I see so much hate and negativity toward avoidantly attached people (mainly from insecure attached types) and that’s just unfair. Calling them manipulative and narcissistic. Like no. Maybe the reason they avoid you so hard is because you’re judging them like this and they’re unsafe.

THIS!!! I have PTSD from childhood abuse and neglect and now I have a super avoidant attachment style (I’m going to therapy and working on myself lol) and every time I see someone post a “if you do this, you’re a narcissist” short I feel so gaslighted, avoidant attachment styles and BPD have a TON of overlap but don’t deserve the same ire and disdain as an ego driven narcissist. People make mental health seem so black and white and it’s just… not. 😅

Having an abusive, narcissistic parent is probably why I'm avoidant with cPTSD. It's not easy, especially when you're having to try figure out a lot without support and trying to learn where to properly set boundaries and trusting people with that, and everytime someone breaks that...... It's just exhausting. And its so hard to get help because people don't understand why you're afraid of them and don't trust them or why it's so exhausting to be constantly out your comfort zone.

Also, if the goal is to REMAIN in a relationship for a long time it is important to remember that people change, even when they don’t mean to or want to. I USED to be an outgoing extrovert, a people pleaser. But I recently discovered, and had confirmed passed my ability to refute, that my two closest friends were in fact narcissists that did not and could not understand that I put the needs of my family over their personal desires. These friendships were cornerstones for me, that spanned generations. My oldest friends, the type you consider family. Sure, I’d seen warning signs moments of selfishness my whole life, but I argued that they were inconsequential, that when it was truly important, life or death, they would respect need over want. Then tragedy struck my family and they were not there. Instead they were resentful, why wasn’t I there for them per usual, why wasn’t I backing down over what we needed? Point is, I find myself now behaving like an introverted avoidant. I don’t WANT to make new friends. I find myself overly bitter, like bitter has become my resting state. And I am married ,so my spouse has to deal with being married to someone who is nearly polar opposite in personality to who I used to be. It helps that one friend my spouse has never trusted and the other was also their best friend. My spouse gets to both say “told you so” and “I relate, I am just as betrayed.” I don’t WANT to be this way and I am trying to get out of this mind frame. But it is hard, and I am so grateful my spouse is patient, and willing to deal with a loved one who has become asocial. I really AM trying. I am thinking of starting a D&D group, or maybe a gourmand group, some kind of small regular gathering I can feel in control of rather than taken for a ride, and going along with someone else’s program for fun. I need escape contingencies these days. I don’t want my old friendships back, but I do want to be the person I was before. But the person I am right now is a hermit who looks at prospective friends as potential time wasted. I can never have back the connection of old friends, and new friends feel like so much work. Old me says I need to have friends. New me doesn’t think it’s worth it. And my poor spouse is along for the ride.

I love it how you say these personalities are not "wrong" or "not ok", you just say we decide who and what we accept in our relationships. Many people just dismiss everything as toxic and unhealthy and blame both you and the person you're dealing with because "eww that's not perfectly healthy so you're both evil and wrong" Your point of view made me feel good for once in this mess of toxic positivity people try to impose.

I never had emotional closeness or safety with my parents, and I hid in my room from my mom's outbursts (she dubbed me the recluse and never asked how I was doing/feeling). All I knew was pain and loneliness, so letting my husband in is incredibly difficult. It's like a dance. I feel ugly because my feelings are not pretty sometimes (tired, overworked with caring for our four kids and home), which makes me shut down. I went invisible for so many years when I was struggling that it feels nearly impossible to lean into my partner when I feel awful (especially if that means I'm frustrated or disappointed in him). But I'm learning. Some of it is sleep deprivation, which can kick anyone in the ass HARD. I'm trying to learn how to give grace to myself and those around me, while not slipping into the people pleaser that doesn't ask for help with the hard stuff. I wish I didn't overthink everything. Another coping mechanism.

I wonder if you’d be able to show us examples of unhealthy relationships from well-known TV or Movies?

"but won't that push people away?" "Not the right people" Wow❤️

“Not the right people.” 🤯 Mic drop moment right there! 👌🏻👏🏻

I am working on my anxious avoidant self. I have been called narcissistic and selfish. Yet I know within I am just trying to protect myself while feel responsibility for everything that happens. It can be very damaging to everyone and I see that. Awareness, compassion and understanding is needed because I need the help of my partner not the tearing down that I usually receive. This calls it out in such a beautiful way and the ending I will have to rewatch a couple time while making me very emotional

Thank you for putting this into words. I do have avoidant personality disorder. I have panic attacks when I try to talk to new people. I am terrified when they start liking me, and I don't WANT to ghost them when we start talking, but it becomes the only way I feel safe when I look at my phone. I'm happier in the moment when I don't see texts from new people, even though later when they give up I feel so much regret. It is maladaptive, and I know why I am like this and I am working on it, but it's so hard to stop self-sabotaging

Avoidant attached here. I learned how to communicate when I feel when my autonomy is being in danger when we get too close. I used to never communicate this and just ghost them without knowing why I did that. I just wanted to be on my own and never rely on someone. We have friends and we're not that antisocial, but when we get TOO close emotionally is like "nope, I'm not gonna do that, I feel uncomfortable" but we never want to hurt others, many times we even don't bother if they get a new partner. We feel vulnerable with feelings and we avoid talking about that kind of stuff, so we don't get attached emotionally to anyone. We can help you with your problems, we can support you, but we can't show vulnerability because that will cause us to feel unsafe and we get defensive and even in denial. When I learned to express those thoughts and tell others that it's my way of protecting myself, I let others to understand me and to feel safer actually because they can help me by letting me have my space and time or not forcing me to be emotional. *A shout-out to my avoidant attachment mates:* express your boundaries and express why you do avoid the relationship. It won't make you vulnerable, but it will clarify stuff. If they don't actually understand, screw them! You are already stuggling with that avoidant attachment. You'll find someone who will understand. And also, you have to work on it too, you can find safety in expressing things (not in a vulnerable/emotional way because you are not obligated to be emotional) but try to find your "love language"

As an avoidant, I appreciate this video and comparison. I would rather isolate myself from the world and remain as independent as possible than risk the vulnerability of depending on others for anything. We are all treated differently in this world with different experiences and perspectives, and as such we come to our own conclusions as to what behaviors are most beneficial to us. In my case, I realized at an early age that people weren't for me. Humans are like chimps and gorillas. Very cruel and selfish primates driven by a social hierarchy and motivated by craving for social approval and status. This never clicked with me and I never behaved according to these motivations. Always did my own thing and adopted interests and hobbies that I enjoyed regardless of whether or not it was popular. And I was abused and neglected as a kid which is likely a factor in my development. Self sufficiency is survival.

I relate so much to the avoidant one. I've been conscious about it. Something's wrong with how I function with people that I know. I'm in my thirties and never had even a little kiss, never dated and never really enjoyed my teenage years. I grew up with a chaotic, controling smuthering mother and a mentally absent, emotionally unavailable, abusive father. So I Iearned on my own about life through school and t.v. I don't know really what is a family, a loving one. It's always been chaos. I'm terrified of intimicy and become very protectrice of my space and individuality whenever someone wants to even be friends with me. I'm loner and my me time is precious.

Thank you so much for the video. I sadly hurt people before I found out about attachment theory (and why I am so avoidant, cold, distant) and started my journey to become the person I needed as a child. I got labeled a narcissist back then and while I understand the pain I caused, I didn't like being wrongly "diagnosed" by people who have their own package of insecurities to carry. I am still on my journey and from my current perspective: I wished I knew earlier. I remember when I read 'attachment theory' by gibson and it gave me hope that change is possible.

I was extremely avoidant, I got out of it by practicing vulnerability with the closest of my friends, talking about things I would normally be afraid to share, and learning from their reactions that it is safe and even rewarding to be vulnerable. Therapy also helped a lot in disrupting my illusions of being less than. Took me 1-2 years of controlled vulnerability to step out of avoidance, and 1-2 years more to reach secure attachment. Good luck you got this. ❤

The avoidant literally just wants to protect him/herself. The avoidant just wants to avoid getting hurt and/or abandoned again. This is the point. PS the ""Not the right people" line is just pure gold! When you start changing for the better you will loose some people that either lacked boundaries, empathy or just were not willing to relate to you in a healthy way but you will also meet people who are more than willing to have a healthy and balanced relationship with you!

Wonderful analysis! Packs quite a punch in just under two minutes

After writing my first college research paper about childhood trauma, I discovered I have developed a mix of attachment styles including “Avoidance”. That paper was a real eye opener.

THANK YOU so much for this video. I'm sick of people saying Avoidant Attachment is equivalent to Narcissism.

Not the right ppl!!! I am literally in tears rn becuz I am avoidant attached but I've never heard someone be so nice and strait forward abt it.

🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 thank you for clarifying this because I’ve been accused of being a narcissist and I try to explain that I don’t distance myself to punish ppl I do it to protect myself from the abuse ppl dish out… like I literally am not expecting anyone to correct or change their behavior because after a reasonable amount of attempts to try and have good faith communication with someone who just keeps criticizing me I have no reason to expect them to change… but I can atleast remove myself from this toxic situation… especially when the boundaries I try to set are not honored. And I acknowledge that in this moment of my life I don’t have the tools to handle that kind of verbal abuse from people… so I’m working on myself as well

I’m the Avoidant🙌🏽 I don’t want NO human interaction😣 Unfortunately, I have to work. I don’t want nothing from nobody but to be left alone. Yep! Been hurt and I never want to love or feel anything for people again. My children are enough and a few family members😂 It all makes sense now

i was with a avoidant with narcissistic tendencies for 3 years and i was somewhat secure in the beginning and got suuuper anxious throughout the relationship. he treated me so badly i have to forgive myself now for not leaving sooner lol. took me 1 1/2 years to accept that it doesn’t make sense anymore but i did it :)

"Not the right people." - love it!

" Not the right people " hit me hard. I saved your video and will repeat watching this. Very helpful and easy to understand.

I feel like in a lot of cases, people are using the word “narcissistic” instead of simply “abusive.” Not all, but a lot. Also: NPD, as a personality disorder, is often just as traumagenic as the avoidant. Doesn’t excuse anything obviously, but lets not assume that all narcs are born that way.

I deal with cPTSD from chronic ongoing child abuse which was continued into adulthood and beyond by the malignant narc older sister with lies, and her intentional handiwork of alienating my family, and more. I have discovered that many people are just like her ! I have gotten good at spotting them very early on and avoiding them. Does this make mean avoidant personality ? No. It means that I worked in myself, set boundaries, and keep them. Interesting is how this malignant narc tells anyone who will listen that I am a severely mentally ill person, even tho 2x diagnosis from 2 different psychologists said exactly the same thing: a highly resilient intelligent person with CPTSD. Yet, she couldn’t pass the psychological testing for domestic adoptions, so she destroyed my family to even the scorecard she’s kept from the day I was born.

I wish we used a different word from narcissist because people with actual diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder are not evil demons who seek to control the world and yadda yadda :( (Speaking from someone who is best friends with an NPD guy! He is a wonderful person who recognizes his thoughts/urges are bad and doesn't act on them)

I'm happy this was made. I thought my ex was narcissistic but didn't make sense cause I felt like he actually loved me. Wasn't until learned about attachments I realized he was avoidant. Very helpful!

Not necessarily helpful for EVERY person, but I think another good tell... An avoidant person may genuinely request space for a little bit if they're feeling overwhelmed by something, but they should be willing to return to you when they're ready to talk about it. Someone with narcissistic traits is going to expect you to just know when the right time to approach them is. Which is basically never, but gives them that sense of control. (Just like Jimmy says, not using these terms as concrete, unchanging labels and diagnoses, but just to further the conversation)

everything changed when I truly understood my partner was an avoidant and I could finally see his behaviour making sense to HIM. All the changes I had attempted to implement in my behaviour suddenly happened. Understanding the other without analysing their behaviour with ourselves as the centre of it all is key. Your videos helped a lot along the way.

Oh Gosh, I feel you nailed it again ! I am happy living alone with my dog... because no one is judging me every-single-minute. It is such a relief and a freedom

My ex and I shared a lot of mutual friends and I decided to cut all ties and leave the environment I was in as it was causing me a lot of pain--but it wasn't before I made a complete ass of myself. I mistook my ex's avoidant behaviour for narcissistic behaviour and caused a lot of harm and hurt after our break up trying to label and figure out what went wrong in our relationship. While I do wish I had known better sooner so as to not hurt people like I did then--I definitely learned a harsh lesson that I will never forget. Thank you for creating this kind of content...relationships can be surprisingly complex especially to those new to dating. I firmly believe that the way that your content has the potential to be so impactful. What I would've given to know this sooner haha. Hurt people hurt people or something amiright?

Fantastic explanation, pretty much every attachment style has traits in common with narcissism. Avoidants are just the most commonly mislabeled and misunderstood.

That last line is the cherry on top of the cake 👌

The more I educate myself on this topic, the more lights go on. Thanks for being one of my teachers and bringing me into the Sunshine 🌞

I know someone who was maybe avoidant as a child then later became a raging psychopath narcissist but used avoiding as a major weapon . It’s an easy weapon because they can play victim always blaming that “ well whenever we talk you do this or that or the other so …….” Explaining to these types your personal boundaries and why you feel the need gives many a way to use your own explanation themselves and project their behavior onto you ! It’s really Crazy !

As a true avoidant, I want to thank you so much for this video! People like us get misunderstood so often but damn, we're not bad, we have no intention to harm/control/devalue anyone, we just wanna feel safe and, unfortunately, the only way to reach it is distance🥺

I’m happy we’re finally having these conversations.

Must say this is true. Nailed on how avoidants feel just to cope up with the stinging pain by being quiet. Having a solid partner can help the avoidant heal his/her own wounds. Inner work. We want the relationship to work, to last but if we also dont take action of behaviours that may ruin the relationship, then no one will ever be that RIGHT ONE for us ever. Vulnerability is to strip ourselves naked and surrender to softness. Opening up may not be easy. Asking for help may not be easy. They do take time. Gratitude and conscious appreciation to what a potential partner can bring can shed so much light of what we have been running away from. Fear of rejection yo the extent of self isolation. Live. Love. Laugh. Stay grateful. It's all worth it. 🙏🕊💕

omg I needed this, I was truly starting to believe I was a narcissist

You know this was a very comforting educational experience for me, for the longest time I had a fear I might be narcissistic because of my lack of intimacy in romance, which I know isn't something to proud of regardless, but 99% of all narcissistic help videos are mostly about AVOIDING them, or combating them in an almost dehumanizing way, and always making it sound like there was no hope for someone with NPD, "Sucks to suck" and all that, it was very demoralizing when I started harboring doubts that I had it, I still feel bad for anyone with NPD thats self aware and truly seeking help, it seems like a very unsympathetic stigma permeates the entire discourse and is probably hindering progress towards treatment as a result.

Thank you for posting this; for years I was terrified that I was a narcisist because my dad was (lots of conversations and therapy managed to convince me I am not roughly a year or two ago) but.... seeing this gave me a NEW vovabulary word to look into because that describes me pretty much perfectly.

Thank you for making this. For a long time i struggled with the question "am i a narcissist?" i never want control over anyone else but myself. Ive gotten so much better at my self control too just by letting myself have a moment to think about the situation before i react, instead of letting the fear and doubts take over me to run away i can now clearly communicate my need to step away and evaluate a situation for myself and before i used to just actually physically flee no words just tears (probably) and the back of my head yelling at me to survive. Im so happy that ive actually been able to let some people close to me. Not entirely yet as its still a work in progress but even this progress is a decade i didnt waste getting better for myself and so i dont hurt others by pulling away permenantly when they dont deserve it. Now they can know ill be back and that makes me cry happy tears

THANK YOU. I’ve been so caught up redeeming myself from this narrative that I’m a narc just because I do not like conflict and am sensitive to criticism because of abuse. Labeling people as a narc just eliminates self reflection by boxing someone in as the bad guy.

Wow. This basically sums me up a bit. So it's avoidant. And here I was worried it was something else.

I never as an avoidant even thought of a correlation. We are certainly doing it from a place of hurt and mistrust and now that I see how it could seem like similar behavior I say find out the difference and the avoidant is much more likely to go to therapy than the narcissist.

"Won't that push people away?" "Not the right people." Thank you for that.

"Not the right people" god that hits. My narcissistic ex would belittle me and make me feel bad for the tiniest mistake because "its common sense" and "a normal person wouldnt do that" My new boyfriend understands i have trauma and takes that into consideration. When he asks me about something im doing he follows up by telling me he's asking cuz he's curious, not judging. If i want to buy something he may ask questions but he also points out he just wants to know what im thinking and if he suggests not getting something its not because its "stupid" or "a waste of money" but only because he wants to help me find it cheaper if possible. More over, my ex would scream and yell and talk down to me for the tiniest mistake, like leaving food in the oven a little too long cuz i was busy with something else at the same time so hed yell at me for being so incompetent (ignoring the fact he was watching me cook and run around and didnt offer any help) but my new boyfriend, if i make mistakes, even big ones, he either chuckles and says its not a big deal, or if it is a big deal he will take a breath, say he needs a minute, goes in the other room for like 10 min, then comes back and asks if i need help fixing things. No yelling, no lashing out. Just understanding. Hell, we have 2 xboxs but similar remotes and kept getting them mixed up, so i took my remote and painted it so its be more obvious. Well come to find out if actually wasnt my used remote, but his brand new, just bought one. My ex wouldve lost his shit, yelled at me, called me names, did everything to make me feel terrible for such a simple mistake which would cause me to have a panic attack to which he wouldve gotten frustrated more because i was "over reacting" and he felt like "i can never talk to you abiut things that upset me because you always shut down and cry and i cant dealnwith you when your like that" So out of reflex and in a panic i took my bf remote and tried to clean it but thebonly thing that got the paint off was acetone and it also stripped itnof its clear top coat and made it all foggy and terrible looking. I was freakingniut, fighting a panic attack, trying to fix it befire he noticed and he walked in, saw me with the remote and asked why i was getting rid of all my hard work. I tried to think of something that would stop the coming fight but before i could he just looked at me and says "you painted the wrong remote didnt you?" I started to shake and fight tears thinking "hear it comes, hes gonna start yelling just like ex" but he just took the remote from my hands, gave me a hug and kiss on my head and told me to repaint it, hed just swap the remotes on the machines. No biggy. And he hugged me while i calmed down. It was the craziest thing to me. Like the scene from road to el dorado where the volcano starts to erupt and Tulip yells "STAHP!" And it just all goes back to normal. I got all worked up seeing this fight coming, knowing it was coming, all the signs pointed to it coming, and my bf just gives me a hug and says "don't worry, its not a big deal, just double check next time ok hun?" And that was it. No yelling, no panic attack, no belittling. Just acknowledgement that it was an accident, suggestion to prevent it next time, and reassurance that he wasnt livid. The right person will bethere to lift you up, not tear you down, and boundaries wont scare them off but make them proud that youre willing to make those lines and not be walked over.

OMG, thank you! I'm still healing from the narc husband who discarded me in 2017. This vid helps me understand what was going on, so helps me heal. Thank you SO much. He wasn't avoidant. He's a narcissist psychopath. The only time he experienced joy was when putting down, insulting, and humiliating others.

Some time ago I learned that in martial arts there is something called “keep your space” rule and that practically means: react to an attack with just a perfect amount of force. To be able to exercise that type of “balanced force” I continuously had worked less on my fears (trainer: “nothing is going to happen it is just a sparing, it is safe environment you can trust me as I fake the attack” me: “suuure” followed by running away/smashing him) and more to actually grow to having a healthy, focused and confident ego (“if you enter my space I will know quite well how to act and that acting will be dignified and respectful”). For somebody who used to have slight traits of avoidant personality, this knowledge on how impactful a healthy, focused and confident ego can be was an eye-opener for life in general, allowing me to reach levels of intimacy that I did not even know exist. Hope it helps to somebody.

As an avoidant who was hurt in the past, i agree with this statement. Also, i haven't found someone worth risking it all again for. So im focusing on me. I'm not avoidant to the people close to me, just everyone else.

Love all the work that is presented and it makes the nuances so clear! Thank you for all you do and create ❤

This is very helpful. For a multitude of reasons (all very reasonable although also very maladaptive) I have been avoidantly attached in all of my intimate relationships. All the stuff about narcissism has had me wondering about myself, but I always come back to my intent. I thought maybe it was just me and I was just making excuses, so this was really helpful. Thank you. Also, "Not the right people" is killer. Thank you for that, too.

Thank you for this explanation, I just realized I’ve been labeling my ex as a narcissist, when in reality, they have an avoidant attachment style.

Many thanks for breaking this down. I once thought my husb was a narcissist. He's not, he's likes his space and unemotional available at times. He's an introvert who doesn't like attention. ❤❤

I've spent years dealing with it, at least half of the time I'm securely attached but it's still a struggle because not only is my learned attachment fearful avoidant. I'm a bit of a "fixer".. I know you can't save people who won't save themselves and I'm not doing it to make myself feel better, but I want people to be better than their trauma. I want to give people the chance to grow by giving them a place to heal and grow. I'm working on it. 😅

THANK you. I get accussed of being an asshole just for keeping to myself and not bothering anybody. Having extreme social anxiety is a bitch, but that doesnt mean I'm one too.

Omg, you are so brave and generous to share a bit of your marital challenges and all your learning since then to help prevent other people’s suffering!! So powerful and accessible with these easy to watch videos - especially when combined with humor!! You are a natural teacher. Please thank your wife for her willingness for you to tell us your story.

Thank you so much for making this video. I have been in therapy for many years but this really spoke to my heart, in a way I haven’t felt before. This is a beautiful, peaceful, non judgemental way to understand the behaviour of others. Thank you again.

I am the avoidant. Fiercely independent even if it means I’m lonely. I just don’t like that I might hurt people like a narcissist. So it’s alway better to be alone in my view point. That way I made the choice, nobody took it from me this time. But I still have to deal with narcs, so I’m working on not staying away, just being aware and present for myself, and the ones I love. Thanks doc, this kind of stuff helps me identify my issues more. People like you Dr Rahmani, and the doctor from surviving narcissism have helped a lot. Oh and my amazing therapist.

Thank you so much for making it clear, I had a huge inner issue about this, believing I was a narcissist, but you put it here so clearly, thank you for this and for the work that you do. I admire your depth, passion and commitment to what you do to help people move through difficult tasks in relationships and in themselves. I respect you and am grateful for your work.

Dude this was one of the best videos I’ve ever seen on relationships especially ones I’ve been in recently. It felt so tailor made to the EXACT situation I’m going through and it’s like I finally got through this massive road block I’ve been stuck at forever. That concluding line was absolutely beautiful too. I’m speechless, thank you so much I sincerely appreciate you making this video.

Your videos are so incredibly helpful. They played a big part in my realizations over Christmas about what I want and need from a relationship, and that it doesn't have to do with labeling someone an X or Y but rather to be confident in what my needs are and to evaluate if they are met.

Something about your voice is very reassuring and makes me feel like I’m gonna be ok, instead of oh no…I’ve been there/done that.

THANK YOU. I have struggled trying to understand my avoidant husband for years, and often considered whether or not he was narcissistic or not. I have cone to realise that he is only operating out of the pain and hurt of abuse and emotional neglect as a child. It is a hard road to walk with someone as they try to heal from that sort of trauma, but I made a commitment to him, and I choose to love him unconditionally, so I stay true to the promises I made 20 years ago. He is doing his very best to grow and learn and understand how to meet my needs while he walks his own journey. Can I encourage those of you questioning the validity of their relationship that sometimes pushing through the difficult times can bring a depth and strength to your relationship that you will never find starting over from the beginning.

So perfectly explained while reminding us to only settle for what we deserve thank you so much 💖

Hmmmm, maybe this explains why my husband has MANY covert narcissistic tendencies but doesn't really fit the narcissist "mold". He's an "Avoidant", which makes sense. It only took me 32 years to figure this out.

Welp I needed to see this video. I know something is wrong with me because I have a hard time with attachments and maintaining them and staying focused. I feared I was being narcissistic by pushing people away at times or wanting to be alone.

Spot on for both personality types. I am involved in a long term marriage of over 20 years. One of us is exactly what Jimmy said … the avoidant. It’s precisely the way he described it as being. I had never heard the condition laid out so well. It’s sadly turned into a marriage of convenience. The whole “At least I’m not alone” syndrome. “At least I have a companion in life” excuse. It’s a harsh reality. There’s next to no affection. Very surface. There is most definitely no “deep” or philosophical discussion or communication in that manner. Just… kind of like a “conveyor belt”. Runs on and on in a very uninspiring, dull and lonely way every day. Just like a conveyor belt in a factory. Same shit, different day 😖😞 * I think most ppl live in quiet desperation on this God forsaken sphere. Just… waiting.

I think the hard thing is that there aren’t tons of “right people.” It’s one thing to go through the healing process of an abusive situation, including narcissistic abuse. But then there are lasting things that often occur with the abuse, things like traumatic brain injury, CPTSD (which often gets better but doesn’t fully go away), chronic fatigue, or certain levels of disability. There can be health issues that remain no matter what one does. And those health issues can wear on relationships. Let’s face it, a person that you’re just getting to know is more prone to check out once they know all those things about you. Many don’t want that baggage, especially if they themselves have gone through a difficult prior relationship. And it’s not as though one means to have that baggage. Often, one would change it in a heartbeat if they could. Hence, most people will be the “right person” only to a degree. That is not to fault them. It’s often a capacity issue. I mean, it’s one thing to remain dedicated to someone you’ve been committed to and known for years and years following a disabling event vs. continuing to deepen a relationship with someone you’ve recently met and are just getting to know. Put on top of that the fact that those who have been through that type of abuse often get free but are financially wrecked and then may not recover enough to return to their profession or other types of work. Many go on disability and have nothing financially. Sadly, one has to be careful about who they let into their lives because narcissists look for somebody who is vulnerable. They will play on mental health issues and gaslight and criticize you using them. They like it if you are dependent upon them and can’t leave. Of course, narcissists don’t always want somebody who doesn’t have funds as many of them are grifters and sponge off a person. It’s just that one must be careful because they are in a more vulnerable place. I know that must sound cryptic, but that’s not my heart. I have just seen it time and again with so many folks - golden-hearted people. It makes me truly heartbroken for them, especially if they don’t have established friends and family who will remain loving and loyal.

Ok this one make me cry Jimmy. I honestly can't say for sure which my ex partner is. He seems to have traits of both avoidant and narcissistic. But whichever it is, it's not up for me to decide. I just need to find a way out of here (still living with him as he just broke up with me), and I need to work on healing a whole lot. Because regardless of what his reasons were for his behavior, he couldn't and would not ever love me the way I needed. This is something I really needed to hear. It's been a particularly difficult and lonely Christmas...I want genuinely loving, safe, and happy ones again.

I avoid romantic relationships at all costs. I won't abandon myself ever again.

Best explanation I've heard, to go with what I've been trying to express about how the rush to call people "toxic" is toxic, and with all the talk about "red flags", we should also talk about "yellow flags".

This is hands down the most valuable video on narcissism I have seen yet.

I am almost certain I’m dealing with avoidant attachment with someone right now because of how abusive my ex was. My ex was so evil to me when he would punish me. His worst one was putting his hands on me, me defending myself from a 6’6 monster & then him lying to the police 3 hours after the fight that I tried to kill him. He got me put in jail because he knew I would feel too scared to tell the cops he hit me first & I didn’t want my daughter going with CPS. He took away my freedom as an act of revenge for becoming independent (breaking up, going back to school, returning to work) when he didn’t want me to be. I’m still unable to sleep in the bed we shared 6 months later but my daughter is with me in MY home & that’s all I care about.

I liked a guy with avoidant attachment style, it hurted me badly. I do not recommend to anybody.

Thank you for that last line. I feel very encouraged by it right now.

Another enlightening exchange that should be a Public Service Annoucement. From the “Avoid Broken Hearts” committee.❤️

Avoidant attachment style here. All we want is to not be engulfed, suffocated, guilted, pursued. I found the healthiest thing for me was to date another avoidant attachment style and talk about it slowly over time. I was not asked about my feelings once growing up. To me it feels like a trick or a con, like they must want that info to manipulate me or take smtg from me I don't want to give. I actually got mad one time when my current partner asked me after sex what my favorite part was one time haha. I was like dude, you do not know me well enough to be asking me that kind of stuff.