Narcissists And Their Flying Monkeys 

Lost my family, lost my inheritance, but gained my independence, my freedom, and my honor. You can’t buy that. Thanks for the message. It helped me feel assertive and confident in my choice to walk away. You are a blessing.

People who hate you for being yourself because they only have the best interests for themselves, and not you.

"Never underestimate stupid people in large numbers!" -George Carlin

For those of us who do not always have extra money to talk with a professional, this has become an invaluable resource for me. Your knowledge of the subject brings healing. I'm very grateful for the work you do!

I was surrounded by flying monkeys for years. I tried to plead my case to make them see how wrong this insanity is. I walked away from it.

They hate you just being yourself..... Which is an insult....move on.

My sister was my parent's monkey, and now her husband and children are her monkeys... It's an inherited circus I left long long ago.

It's so difficult to resist the urge to "wake" the flying monkeys from their stupor when you see them falling all over the narc that is ruining your life. I've had them tell me how "lucky" I am. Really? It's surreal and maddening to watch them.

I had a flying monkey get all red in the face and steam coming out of their ears because I would not react to underhanded digs.

I believe narcissists have the talent of spotting insecure people in your circle that can become an effective flying monkey. Certain flying monkeys want to basque in the attention the narc is giving them. Deep in their psyche the flying monkey is weak minded and wants to attach to the bully (narcissist). These type of flying monkeys lack a backbone. What they fail to realize is that the narc stops giving them attention when they are ineffective in breaking you. Narcs are easily bored.

My siblings just accept the lies told about me without even asking me for my side of the story. Then cut me off meaning I cannot fix it even if I wanted to. It's especially abusive and all because I'm the scapegoat.

Some narcissists recruit family members against you, the target. By appealing to their sense of fairness. They'll convince them that you're the bad guy & they are the innocent victim. So they get ppl so angry to fight their battles trying to Right the Wrong. Do Justice they'll say.

This makes SO much sense. If you’re looking for validation from them forget it, the flying monkeys will watch you die and see to it. Much of the time you receive so much pounding or bullying from the narcissist is because you have enough moral sense to not conform to being a flying monkey. And you sleep well because of that. The most difficult part is setting boundaries on how you’re treated. Assertiveness can be quiet bravery to stand up for yourself. I love that.

An independent thinker is the narcissists nemesis. But the cost is often a long, hard road until we learn the patterns or red flags to avoid the Queen bees who run the hives in the first place. This, from one who got many a lump on the noggin before learning how to see the handwriting on the wall. :)

When you leave the narcissist you must leave all the flying monkeys too. Each and every one. Even the ones who are genuinely fooled by the narcissist. You must leave no crack or the rot will get back in. Sorry, but it must be a clean sweep.

NO CONTACT. Had to figure who I was.

This is the story of my life.I have always been an easy target for narcissists and their clique.I am not a follower and I don't enable people.I have been bullied by those.

Freedom is fabulous!

"see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil". Flying monkeys - the ideal employee companies love...

Be yourself; people won’t like you anyway #loveyourselffirst

My father was the flying monkey and my mother was the Wicked Witch X10!!!. My father enabled my Mother and looked the other way while she brutally beat or slapped my brother and I when we were children. If she said we were bad--the so be it. I really thought that all children were treated this way until I got older and realized they were not. To this day my father is her Flying Monkey and he is 83!

Where were you 20 years ago, Doc? Better late than not at all. Thank you for your enlightening videos. You are the validation and encouragement many of us have needed to understand this type of behavior. Thank you!

I am no contact for 39 years by the way with both of them. They deserve each other.

You are such a clear and reasonable man and I appreciate that you’re not judgmental. Stress just rolls right off when listening to you!

To achieve freedom I had to go no contact , highly recommend the grey rock technique. Just slip out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan.

Is narcissism a mental illness. Surely it can’t be normal to behave in such a despicable way to others? Is it caused by bad parenting? Have they not been brought up to be kind and considerate towards others? Why would anyone deliberately and systemically hurt their nearest and dearest unless they were in some way mentally ill?

I listened to another person speak about this using the term triangulation, meaning the narcissist develops a "fan club" to which they sit on the top of and often lies about their spouse or victim in order to save their self-respect.

Got my first flying monkey, told her not to lower herself by participating in family dysfunction and triangulation. Then put her on ignore. Feels good!

Every narcissist has a monkey army, it seems. Attack the narcissist, and relatives and friends will defend the narcissist blindly, like robots. They are totally brainwashed. My sibling turned her whole family against me. It's bullying on the highest level.

So funny that the cowardly lion, tin man, & scarecrow represent the covert narc persona in that feel they don't have courage, heart, or brains; attach to Dorothy the empath who wants to help; seeks guidance from healthy/good glenda; & who is drawn to the overt narc wizard & in search of truth, exposes his fake narc façade. Never thought about how the other characters played into this until just now. Thank you!💕

Dr. C, I have a whole family full of these minions who are too weak minded and spineless to stand up to 2-3 narcissists in the family. It’s absolutely pathetic! I have finally removed myself from the snake pit.

I went no contact recently with my narcissistic mother because I'd finally had enough of the emotional abuse and trauma. Growing up, she could not and did not show me love or affection. The last straw for me was when she aggressively called me rude when I stood up to one of her friends after he said something I felt was insulting to me. Well, sure enough, my grandmother, whom I'm very close with, just requested I text my mother to let my mother know "all is well." Really? No thanks. Again, narcissism rears its ugly head. Clearly, my mother has gotten to my grandma and is attempting to use her to get to me. Texting her or breaking my own no contact rule would benefit.... Her, not me. That there is the problem. It's always been about her. I'm done with that. I'm focusing on embracing my own needs now and getting them met. And, the next time my grandmother oversteps my boundaries at it pertains to my mother I will respectfully say, "I called to see how you were doing, not talk about my mother." Damn it feels good to be woke and independent.

Just went no contact with the narc sibling 4 days ago. Just realized the flying monkey concept and it is true. Flying monkeys have made 3 sly attempts to hurt me since no contact with the narc. That's why I had to look up this video and it is so right on what I've experienced in the past, but couldn't accept. Its a family situation. Since no contact with the narc I feel like the gates of hell are closed!!! Free at last!

And completely incapable of ever being wrong or having ever told a lie.

Love how you explain Narcissism, I only wish I knew all this 20 years ago. Better late than never I guess.

If offense is the best defense in football, so it is with a narcissist. Being assertive, not aggressive is a fine line, but to maintain a manageable sense of self it is crucial. When on the receiving end of offensive behavior, it is natural to become defensive. It seems defensive behavior simply fuels the narcissist. Stand by your decisions, know they are healthy for you, be assertive, not aggressive. Walk away if the barrage of offense is too painful. Loving a narcissist is an abject lesson in self control.

Gosh this doc is sooooo good !

We left a church with a Pastor like this!

I'm so glad I watched this. Such valuable insight. I managed to escape years of abuse from my mother. I claimed my freedom! And the rejection was worth it.

All my aunts, uncles and cousins. So it is just me and my one son that sees thru the mess. We are good by ourselves, and have a real, true, and authentic relationship. I thank God for my son who pointed out to me how bad my own mother treats me. He will not allow it anymore.

I have very little communication with my family because of a very sadistic covert narcissist sister-in-law. Some of my family does not see any of her manipulation and cruelty and others see very little. I see more than anyone because she started abusing me at the age of six everyone else were adults when she entered the family. She is also very jealous of my artistic and creative abilities. Most of them are her flying monkeys. It is sad how people would rather believe a lie than search out the truth.

This is what they call gang stalking

Thank you. Dr I left the church. I was going crazy I been through so much. People talking slander me drama . flying monkey s snakes and all of that. I was going out w a narc. And I felt so oppress and depress . reject ed. Devalue and humiliated. I decided to leave. And I felt free. I am free . liberated. Amen.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I have a cluster of flying monkeys in my reality. They r exactly as u describe. This is unbelievable. Truly astounding is the analysis...i didn't know this was a THING. I resisted & stood up 4 myself, and it has gotten me absolutely NOWHERE. Point by point ur description is sooooo accurate, I feel shocked that this message resonates so very deeply. It does help to know that I'm not the crazy one. Whew!!!!🖤

For 14 years I lived with me being the demon, the one with all the problems, the one who had to take the blame to keep my family together. but as I got older and I stumbled on your videos and I began to understand what the real reason was. now everything starts to make sense thank you Dr Lee.

I’m experiencing a flying monkey cluster.. very sad creatures.. Stay focused on your freedom.. TWOO.. great analogy 🎯

Hello from France All I got to say is :"A.M.E.N:" Dr Carter. For decades those diabolics individuals used to say that I was the problem. That I have too much imagination. That I'm crazy :" What's wrong with you:"??? Thanks Dr ; D

When this type of abuse happen, the price you have to pay is very high. Luckily in my case it was among friends, rather easier to get out. Still, it took me years. Young kids must know this knowledge.

I'm about to leave my job for the reasons you have explained so well 👍

Something inside of me rebels against those who do this. I do have a submissive personality which has been taken advantage of and been bullied. But then there is something in me! I "lost" everything. But I know I have gained everything. And my 5 sons are following the same. Free!

Its abuse by proxy

Well said, and put out in a down-to-earth way that anyone can understand. You have a gift of clarity, analysis and clear communication, sir. Bravo.

There are so many of these Narcs and their as you say Flying Monkeys. What you have described I see every day. Being an Introvert I try to avoid both company at all costs. Being not prepared to be one of these monkeys has excluded me from a lot of things, which is fine as I have learned to live with it. Yes and also within family group too.

Narcissistic disorder character are dominant kind of being making themselves they are superior and above all

My wife just opted out of her abusive relationship with her sister who fits every details you described. She feels so much better since the break. It took her years of abuse to come to this decision. I am so glad she took this serious step. I also had the same things happened to me with my own father. It take courage, but in the end it may be the best decision you ever make. Thanks for the imput.

Lol not playing their games drives them crazy 😜

Paying the price of losing myself was higher than the price of losing my mother's side of the family

I was in a study group with a kinda narc leader, I got out making excuses, but I never tried to explain my reasons to any flying monkey. Deep inside, I had the feeling that no one will side with me or understand me. I really don't know how could I made it, but I did.

Yes, in my last life I had to join FMA, Flying Monkeys Anonymous, to build my resolve. This life, I courageously broke away and am steel against their narc-y ammunition!! I lived to tell and shamelessly joke about it! SO much better. A 'Flying Monkeys Anonymous' - hee hee. Popped into my head and picturing it just cracked me up in my cheeky mood! Life's problems are definitely easier with humor. Loved Dr. Les's analogy!

You definitely understand narcissism.

Thank you for this video and your excellent explanation of assertiveness and authenticity. I remember when I told my colleagues I didn't want to be a part of the gossip mill anymore. I really thought this would be met with understanding and they would see this was the best road to take. I was stunned when they all stopped speaking to me. I guess they thought that meant I would tell people what was being said about them or I would judge them. I just didn't want to participate in negativity. Besides, gossiping made me feel guilty. It's very subtle the way the narcissist works. When they can't get what they want from you, they use someone close to you to get it. I have always seemed to find myself outside the box wanting to be in the box, but unable to compromise my values. This made me want to go along, but I felt unable to do it. Sorry if my comments seem scattered. You touched on a few points that really spoke to me.

“It’s never going to be good for you” this is clearly valid thinking. Appreciate this.

This video was much needed encouragement for me today. Especially today bc he has his coworkers thinking I am rude bc I didn't go out to a work party with him after he told me not to come. My husband is a genius when it comes to surrounding himself with flying monkeys. It took me almost a decade to see that he has not ONE close friend though....

All of your videos are extremely helpful. I've been getting into frequent, heated arguments with a family member of mine, who I suspect is a narcissist. But I've been the one getting visibly, overtly angry. I've been upset because I feel powerless, alone, and unrelatable. But then I binged watched 5 of your videos, this is #6. Thank you!!

It's lonely when being ostricised . ☹️

I couldn’t put a label on what was happening in my upbringing and through out my adult life. My parent will say he loves me on the one hand, and then on the other hand, tell me how wrong I am or criticize or ignore me. It was very confusing that has gone in my whole life and I am in my 50’s now. I thought maybe it was narcissism, but I didn’t find clear descriptions of what was happening to me until Dr. C’s videos started showing in my RU-vid feed. I have called the people around this person minions because they do his bidding. I always felt something was wrong and fought against it but probably not very effectively because I have been angry and defensive. Dr. C. Is showing me how to set healthy boundaries with strength, self respect, and dignity, and it is exactly the information I needed and was praying to know. Thank you :)

I was disowned by my "family" but I do me.... it's a high price but worth every penny

I've tried to talk to people who I thought I could trust.... Then, halfway through discussion I realize this person has been talking to my brother Narcissist. At that point I realize this person has been charmed, manipulated, bribed ... into an agenda with my brother. This silences me from exposing myself any further to THEIR gathering of information or supply off of me. This really hurts me because.... I don't like to admit it but I'm a people pleaser and for me not to be able to defend my character, but instead shut down, silenced into submission .... It's hurtful when I feel lm being attached without a chance to defend myself but this only gives them more fuel. Sorry, I realize Im talking in circles about this, but... I am working through it.

Now I have the courage to fight them rather than getting scared, crying n running away from them...thank u Dr

The price I've paid for standing up to my aggressive narc mother/covert narc dad and their flying monkey friends is alienation, intense character assassination and PTSD. I'm the only person in my family who has learned boundaries and for that has been the outcast. Still, I have my dignity, independence, freedom and my good character speaks for itself among friends and clients. I was a good kid and am a hardworking, decent adult. Like you said, narcs will do what they do. But I'm no longer around them or their gullible hangers on (all three of them). I'm busy with my career. Their hate fueled me all of my life to make it..despite them. And in my own way, I have..and they will never be a part of that.

I have stood up to him but then became afraid and outed another person. I was a flying monkey. I am opting out. I hope to make amends to the man I hurt.

Excellent! Another wisdom packed video! It's so important to understand flying monkeys. Many don't even know what they are doing because the boss narc has manipulated them and smeared the victim. I'm always learning something new. These videos really help!

I spent so much of my life being a flying monkey! From avoiding abuse(physical & mental) from my narc mother to being the good girl, yes person in every relationship I had so called 'friends' & partners, happy to take the blame as it felt safe to keep under the radar. After lot of sole searching I realised this was not who I was! Standing up for what I believed & saying NO to things I knew in my heart wernt right was very scary & somewhat lonley at first. I decided though it was much better to be on my own than be what orhers exspected me to be. I am now surrounded by lovely people I respect & who respect me, amazing children & a job I love. I do at times get people who try to take advantage of my kind nature but I am no longer afraid to say no

The price was my entire family...

I get ambushed. have no control. Then I get depressed. this group of people loves voyeurism. have always waited to see who I get with. talk about groupthink!!!!

I am listening to this again five years later, and it's making so much sense, after learning from Dr Carter every week, all this time. I can practise calm assertiveness now, even when a flying monkey comes at me with shame and blame, glorifying the late narcissist tormentor. So grateful!

Fake apologies 👍

Sounds exactly like my dad's 3rd wife & my sisters as the flying monkeys

Great video--accurate description, and "groupthink" nails it. My mother's flying monkeys are dangerous--I avoid the whole constellation.

You are one of my favorites

Great video Dr.Les! I’ve always known what a flying Monkey is, but this is the first video I’ve watched that really gets into why a flying Monkey blindly follows or even adores a narcissist. They are used by the narcissist to get their daily supply of adoration, Facebook etc. and they are used by the narcissist to slander you. Again, great video!

really... stress rolls off when watching these vids. explains so much and preps for 'next contact' with a narc.

Thanks, I’ve never seen the Wizard of Oz, consequently never really understood flying monkey references.

This guy is awesome!!

This was really helpful. It was so clear and concise. You make the decision to be your own person or not. Assertiveness is a good thing, you just have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. What doth it profit a man if he gain the world and loses his own soul?

I also think that flying monkeys PREFER the second fiddle position so they can put the responsibility of actions on the head narc: "THEY told me to do it/say it/etc.!" Pretty cowardly. Not that the dominant narcissist cares about 'responsibility' since they're always right, anyway, eh?

Always look forward to your videos Dr C.

Fantastic explanation and nail-down of what that whole dynamic is, .....thank you for this. Oh the cost of opting out....hard, takes courage, hurts to be vilified for simply having ethics, yes, but so very worth it. Freedom to be oneself is underrated. So is freedom from immature little tattle tales who use details of your life to curry favor with the narcissist, spinning tales outta school.

I encountered a the flying monkey yesterday. Thank you for this msg,

My wife, the Wicked Witch of the South, has turned my children into her Flying Monkeys. She commands them to do her bidding and treat me like the Dorothy in the story. Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore...

Wow, the flying monkeys sound just like all the sycophants and dysfunctional behaviour at work.

Fascinating video. Dr, this presentation would be SO valuable to people suffering from workplace bullying. It takes a lot of flying monkeys to support a narcissist in the workplace. The issue is begging for recognition and attention.

When I final got free of the Narcissist that I had in my life, I was so lost! It took about a year for me to figure out WHO I really was ...sadly he told me who I was for years, and so much of it was a lie! So wonderful to have these videos!!! Thank you

Dr. Carter, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul from myself and unknowingly from my family and the Narcissistic Sociopath that I chose to get involved with fifteen years ago. I put up with it, making excuses for him, and for the last 5 years I have involved my entire family deeply in his life lastly and sadly my children. And they have suffered worse than I have in just the last three years. I’ve watched thousand of videos about NPD, NST(P) and related since last October 21st and this was the one that finally got through to me. I have to leave. And I have two large estates that I have been left as well as my primary residence and five rentals that I have filled with my stuff since then as I never was given any “place” for me or my things and they have to come with me as I had to repurchase almost everything. I’ve learned over the past six months or so now exactly how much I had wasted mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically for the last 25 months. The thing I feel the worst about is all the time I’ve wasted because I can never get that back. If this video was the first one I had seen I would have saved myself then. My Mother passed away on April 6, 2014. She made me swear that I would never go back to him as he had for the first time ever put his hands on me and done very traumatic damage and he did it in true narcissist fashion swearing for years that he would be with me through all the bad times that were and still are occurring and then accused me of something I didn’t do and abandoned me one week shy of two months before she got really sick and died. She had been deathly ill for four years before she died. Thank you again I am going to take the knowledge you have just given me and re-empower myself and a few of my Mom’s friends that are dealing with the same situation. One chose to discard a few days ago. Thank You again and God Bless You. Now, to buy your books because the first one you mention is what I’m dealing with right now. I am physically dying and he has put me here.

I love this guy! He's the best at teaching people about how to deal with these Narcissist.

Hahahaha! "I'm on the top dog's team". I was trying to think of a way to describe the mentality of a flying monkey to my husband and that's perfect. They often have this really sweet role but they love the narcissist, sometimes sounding just like them but it's more hidden. My mom has been with several narcissists and she'll easily agree with others about their faults but never leave them. I often catch this little smirk on her face even while agreeing with others like "you don't understand how special he is like I do. I'm the one that gets to stand behind all of his power!"

You are saving my sanity. I"m involved in an illegal firing lawsuit and being attacked by a narcissist and his flying moneys. Now their sting won't hurt so bad. I now understand why they do what they do and I have some empathy for them. (But it is still my belief that they broke the law.) Cyber hugs, Mr. Carter!

Yes exactly! I definitely felt like I 'was losing a part of my soul' ~ and also a large part of myself. You validate what we have been through.

No one understand what is going on they think I’m crazy and I’m realizing it looks crazy but they won’t leave me alone ... why not just go away ...

Unfortunately I have someone close who has a narcissistic male partner, he uses the "your just unstable line when we finally have had enough of his game playing and gas lighting. He keeps her needy and insecure. Always ready to keep her addicted to substances. Will run out and get her smokes. Of course he is beginning to alienate her from her family. He will do the washing, cooking and cleaning just to keep her needy. Ive argued with him several times and the same line is thrown back, he makes us out to be the unstable ones. If the rent is not paid and we get a call from the real estate he will deflect back onto us we are the unstable ones yet he is the one taking holidays instead of paying bills. He gas lights with ease. I had food poisoning seven times in less than three months yet the other four in the house never did, he knew i have a weak immune system and used it against me. He would leave dirty dishes in the sink until ten minutes before my daughter got home from work to maintain his white knight persona. Fact is he is a clingy, jealous insecure little man that thrives on his narcissistic methods. We are now distant from my daughter because she is brainwashed into thinking she needs him. He has even got her child calling him dad and does things to manipulate. He murmurs until my grand daughter is in tears, yet when questioned he just denies and deflects. A very dangerous fool indeed.