Narcissists say this to normalize their behavior 

The narcissists prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, *YOU DESERVED IT.*

Response to, nobody is perfect. I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for common decency and respect.

My wife: "you aren't good enough and you need to change yourself." Also my wife: "this is how I am and you need to accept it."

The line I heard was “you’re not innocent either”. Trying to pull me into their bad behaviours or situations would boggle my mind. I never bought it.

"Nobody's perfect" and "you're too sensitive" waive away all the terrible things they do.

I didn’t hear “nobody’s perfect” because he felt he was perfect. What I heard ad nauseam was “ it is what it is”. Translated to a dismissal of my feelings.

I've always heard "that's just how I am." So we all had to suffer because this person wasn't going to change. It was so frustrating!

"Nobody's Perfect" can be rephrased into phrases like: "I did my best", "that's just how he/she is", "well you know so-and-so just isn't very good at emotions". Radical acceptance is dished up as an enabling play. In essence, you are expected to unconditionally accept the person as they are, and expect no change, while bending over backwards for them. "Nobody's perfect" was always a one-way street to justifying the narcissist, never the victim.

I’ve not heard “nobody is perfect” I’ve heard the variations of: “I didn’t do that!” “You’re remembering wrong” “why would I do that” “no one else thinks that way” “you’re too sensitive” “why do you remember everything” “I don’t remember that, if that did happen, I would never mean it” “you have way too strict of standards” “you’re overbearing with your expectations” “you’re so hateful” It never their fault, they’re always the victim, they can never be held accountable nor responsible and cannot stand to have a momentary taste of their own medicine and when they do, they act out passive aggressively and vindictively

Mine used to say "It is what it is. Nobody's forcing you to do this".

He didn’t say it that way. Whenever I spoke up about his lies or bad treatment of me, he always said “so you’re perfect”. It would always get me on defense. I fell for it every time.

“Nobody’s perfect” but YOU have to be. This video is genuinely the first time I have ever heard that it is normal to forget an appointment or miss a bill payment occasionally. My narc mother framed those things as ultimate moral failures so I have always hated myself whenever I make mistakes or can’t do things. Thanks for another insightful video!

There's a difference between "weaknesses" and "wickedness"

I heard “I did the best I could “. Never got any type of an apology.

I heard that a lot, along with "it's in the past" and more. My response is now "it's not her past, it's her pattern that I'm not sticking around for." That's my boundary and that means I lost 95% of my blood family, but gained so much peace.

The phrase I always heard from my narcissist was "you can't always get what you want." But what I was asking for was good and right and normal.

Of course. “Nobody’s perfect” is one of many phrases that narcissistic abusers use to gaslight.

The difference between the narcissist and the average everyday “sinner” isn’t the amount of the abuse or the level - it’s the inability to feel sorrow and guilt for their actions

The one that I hear from the narcissists in my family is; "You're just so perfect." This is used to shut me down from pointing out the truth that they don't want to look at and they don't want to own up to their own role in what they did. It is blame-shifting for sure.

Perfect answer “and.” - “Nobody’s perfect.” - “And?” I love it. The concept of adding “and” on its own, or with a statement is BRILLIANT! It works in so many ways. - “Nobody’s perfect.” - “And you’re still being abusive.” It even works with other situations: • “You’re so useless.” • “And you’re being rude again.” ~ “You’re so needy.” ~ “And you’re controlling behavior is still unacceptable.” - “It’s obvious you don’t care about me or my needs!” - “And you’re trying to manipulate…again.” I know using “and” in an argument with a narcissist could turn VERY dangerous, but it sure feels good EMPOWERING to imagine all those verbal attacks destroyed by such a simple word. And. I love it.

"You only see my bad side, never my good one. You just see what is bad about me and never what YOU did to MAKE ME act like that. If people knew what YOU do to make ne do that, they would agtee with me" Classical quote here

Nobody's perfect, however there are levels. There are standards. A relationship is about being with someone who is your fan, as much as they want you to be their fan. Contempt is a sign that such a relationship is not actually there.

"It is what it is" "I've done nothing wrong to you" "I've been nothing but good and understanding to you" "I've never met a more selfish person in my entire life" "You ruined my life" "He really does love you he just has a different way of showing it" "You really need to work on loving yourself" "All I've ever wanted is some basic common courtesy from you, is that really so much to ask?" "And now you're going to leave me after everything I've done for you?" "I'm only trying to help you do better for yourself" "I'm so sad for you that you've ended up in this position" "You overreact to things in life in general" "You are 29 years old and you shouldn't have to be told this from a 28 year old" "I gave you plenty of attention and affection earlier tonight and now I need to go to sleep because I have to get up early in the morning and you're being greedy and selfish for acting this way" "You were a mess that night" "You're way too intense and far too much for me" "It's unfortunate the way things turned out but it is what it is"

Yeah, female narc I knew would say this during a dispute or argument, “I’m not perfect. Nobody is! I can’t be an angel all the time. But you….!!” Then she would go on a rant about all the ways I was wrong and how much she had to put up with and how I should be grateful and understanding. Nobody is perfect. Such a childish statement made by someone who doesn’t want to admit they made mistake and held accountable for it. Thing is, her “mistakes” weren’t like dropping a stack of cards… no, her things were calculated nasty underhand emotional abuse. Things someone shouldn’t do in the first instance. And she knew it. But she thought it was ok so long as I didn’t realise or call her out on it. She would deflect and project it all onto me. Dealing with brat-adults is ridiculous. No contact for over 2 years now after a near ten year relationship. Never again.

A doctor once said. “You can not always keep your promises.” “We are all only Human beings”.

Oh yes, especially the self righteous part about "You think you're so perfect". In childhood they even gave me and another sibling derogatory nicknames about being goody-goody, that well into their 60's they still use behind our backs. It's so childish.

Besides "nobody's perfect," I heard: "I"m done talking about this." Over and over. My (vulnerable narcissist) ex deflected everything, or made me feel like I was to blame for all of his flaws and transgressions. He discarded me 4 months ago, out of the blue, by informing of his new condo that he bought secretly, and his new multiple girlfriends. All this in one blindsiding conversation. As I sat there shocked and reeling-my world suddenly falling away beneath me, yet I still had to cook dinner for the kids and help with homework- I asked: "How could you do this??" Guess what he said, friends? "Nobody's perfect. You're too sensitive! Why are you taking this personally? Why can't you allow me to be happy? I'm done talking about this!"

"Nobody's perfect" said also the people close to you who cannot understand why you want to exit the relationship with the narcissist.

At work, someone in a meeting tried with me, “you’re ok with disappointing me?” Later, when a supervisor got onto him for that leveraged question, he said, “sorry everyone, I realize I can come off as rude. That’s just a bad habit I’ve developed. That’s just me being me.” He was just setting the plate for doing it again because he just ‘built that way.’ Wow.

Whenever I get abused, I watch your videos and it is working for me making me calm and relaxing me. Thank you Dr Ramani.

What I heard that helped me frame the disfunction was from a Chris Rock comedy sketch that said “relationships are hard and need two people to do the work. Two people can move a couch easy…” made me realize I was moving the couch alone always. Or I was trying to ‘move the couch’ by myself while being yelled at, manipulated, shamed and abused. I never had good relationship role models growing up or even now in middle age… I hope to create that for myself so my daughter can see what real love looks like (in all relationships including the one with myself).

Since the narcissist is so good at blurring the boundaries between what they do and the justification for it, the "decoupling" of the two is important. This is probably more important for the victims than the narcissist. Honest self-evaluation is almost impossible for the narcissist. But this helps the victim not get sucked into the Neverlands of blurred boundaries and perception of right and wrong. Clarification helps avoid mental stress when we always question our own perceptions. One of the most important things for any of us is to be validated in our perceptions. The narcissist is a sabotage master who loves to deprive others of any opinion of their own.

“Nobody’s perfect!” says the person who thinks they are, indeed, perfect 😂

The usuals for me is “well change takes time”, “I’m only human”, and “I can’t do everything at the same time; I’m only one person”

I recommended your channel to two of my friends who are clearly going through narcissistic relationships. You are almost the sole reason I was able to leave my narcissistic relationship and my life is so much better now. Thank you.

"No one is perfect," (Yet, anyone in a relationship with a narcissist MUST be absolutely "perfect" from the narcissist's standpoint). LOL Of couse, no matter what you do, you'll never match their moving standards.

This reminds me of all the times my narcissistic mother criticised me. When I kept telling her that her comments upset me, she’d just reply with ‘if your mother can’t say it then who can?’ as if that made all the hurtful comments okay.

The narcissist I was with always had repeated behavior. Nothing changed. Empty promises, excuses galore, victimization repeated, gaslighting, blameshifting, insulting, intimidation, projection, emotional unavailability, avoidance, silent treatment, stonewalling, and nothing was ever his fault. Constantly interrupting and trying to be part of conversations that did not include him, sucking all the air out of the room.

In my experience with narcissists I have several times heard, "It's a new day." It's another way of saying that the horrible treatment I endured, I should basically just get over it. This of course is literally the next day, but the behavior has been ongoing since the start of the relationship. So it's like each time is a new incident to the abuser. Even though they know it's not and that you are being worn down more and more each time. So you get crazier and more frustrated and exhausted, and they swoop in to condemn your craziness and how your behavior is actually the problem lately. There is no new day to the narcissist. They are always keeping track of your behavior while simultaneously demanding that you dismiss theirs in this new day.

i used to have a friend who would say, “we’re all going through something.” it rings the same for me; excusing behaviours without taking accountability. i am proud to say i cut out this toxic narcissist. mostly because they were just plain mean.

Whenever I would tell my father that he’d done something to hurt me, called me hateful names, made fun of me, etc. he would immediately shoot back with the words “Oh, right, and you’re such a f@%&ing angel!” And immediately I’d be into the defensive mode. Classic.

I really appreciate you giving us the solution to that phrase "No body's perfect". I can't say I've heard it much though, these days I just don't bother trying to confront narcissists on their bad behavior and I really don't get too deeply involved in any tasks with them, I make little to no emotional investments, which honestly isn't fun because you're not connecting authentically, but it's the safest way to operate until I can find people to make safe emotional connections with.

Can we talk about how often narcissists claim to forget. It is such a tricky topic because people do legitimately forget some wrongs they've done especially when they're in crisis. How do we differentiate between actual forgetting and gaslighting/denial?

To refocus, I'd reply: "Yes, and actions have consequences."

I was married for two decades to a woman who loved this phrase. She used it to justify the most awful behavior, including physical/emotional abuse and serial infidelity. Thank God that relationship ended, and I’ve spent almost the last decade married to a wonderful thoughtful caring empathetic woman. I know that nobody’s perfect, but my current wife comes pretty damn close 😊

It’s such a trigger to hear “nobody’s perfect” or “I’m only human” Or “my best is all I can do”. It’s why I left my family. You can’t actually say the same thing when they’re down you’re throat. As I grew up I became more apathetic to them. They don’t have a concept of how their behavior effects others. When it comes to family you’re just supposed to suffer silently. Then if you don’t they cry “you don’t love me I guess”. Never again.

The "nobody's perfect" excuse, and its cousins, are essentially diversions, and they are always at the ready. The better educated we are in the aggregate about narcissistic patterns, and the more we trust ourselves and heed the red flag behaviors, the less we will be bothered by these tired excuses/diversions. No contact is the best course of action because engagement is always a trap.

Totally agree! And I also I have used this ‘nobody’s perfect’ phrase to gaslight myself out of not acknowledging toxic/abusive behaviour. The problem is they know the exact amount of good treatment to keep you hooked which justifies and excuses the bad treatment and they oscillate between the two. And this trauma bond formed keeps us hooked (cognitive dissonance).

I have heard the “nobody’s perfect” line OVER AND OVER again from toxic people. As soon as they can tell that I am the anti-enabler who has no problem calling people out and will not let people walk all over me, out from their mouths comes that flimsy “nobody’s perfect” defense.

Someone I know would say things like, “that sounds like a personal problem” when ever I would BEGIN to explain something that rubbed me the wrong way… and once when I actually listed everything that happened in an interaction, and how this “Best friend” hurt me… her answer to the things she said to put me down was that she “Put her Foot in her Mouth”… whatever that means. That one right there….. that one hurt me. Because I always blamed myself for the reasons she would say and do passive aggressive things to me, and would say maybe I really did something to hurt her… and she knew. She had absolutely no reason. People make personal Punching bags out of empathic/kind people and it makes me sick…. Just because you know that I’m not going to be mean right back doesn’t mean that it’s okay…..

I love it! It’s another example of their saying something that sounds insightful and true, but it means ABSOLUTELY nothing! Word salad, pretending to be a real person, and continuing to be just an empty shell trying to look and sound like a normal person.

I’ve heard that many of times and one I’m hearing more now is “Don’t take it personal”. As I get yelled at, gaslighted and degraded. I work for a very toxic narcissistic family. I’m a caregiver to their family member and this how they are.

Yes, we hear it all the time. The narcissists use it to justify their behavior💔 It's true; nobody is perfect, but it shouldn't be used as an excuse for bad behavior or abuse, nor taking advantage of other's kindness, narcissists know what they are doing. Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani, you are so right about everything, and this is so important💖

Wow. Thank you for the "And..." A great defense to allow the truth to be spoken. Thank you!

It's true, nobody is perfect. A narcissist once told me, "there are no perfect mothers" in an attempt to excuse her abusive parenting. Later, a wise person helped me by responding to that excuse by saying, "Yes, but some people are certainly more perfect (or closer to perfect) than others!"

In 2001 I dated a guy who said this to me "It is every man's fantasy to drive a woman to suicide". Could there ever be a red flag that is more on fire screaming out GET AWAY FROM THIS ABUSER?

Well said. I'm not expecting perfection, only care and understanding and human decency.

Yep! But they crucify us for not being perfect!

I’m very grateful I was married for 28 years to a wonderful man who thought I am perfect. His positive grooming gave me confidence and self esteem that prepared me for surviving the attack of a professional, organized, military and reform school group comprised graduated medical doctors, psychiatrists, ethics professors, and attorney risk managers that sets up to murder by suicide patients at their clinic. It’s been a charming and absolutely mesmerizing experience. Happy birthday.🎁

"Of course [the narcissist] shouldn't have [insert despicable behavior]... But everybody makes mistakes. Haven't you ever been in a situation with others and then you retrospectively wished you had behaved better towards them ?" That was the standard response I got every time I tried to point out to people that I had been abused. Although people technically agreed that the narcissist has indeed wronged me, I still felt invalidated and gaslighted by the conversation. Now I know why... Because this argument is a sneaky form of enabling. Thanks to you, I just learned how to shut it off on the spot. THANK YOU DR. RAMANI ❤️❤️❤️❤️

And yes, the continually doing the same things over and over and expecting the "apologies" to be a free pass to just do it again. I took to saying, " Sorry doesn't mean anything if you don't bother to change your behavior. Actions speak much louder than words. "

"Nobody is perfect " said only when it suited my ex husband when he messed up and his messes were never minor ones. However, I had to practice perfection or else he would constantly remind me of my imperfections sometimes blowing it out of proportion, no matter how small they were. Everything Dr. Ramani said is on point.

“Nobody’sperfect” a daily disregard to my boundary setting attempts.. When this was said in this video it literally took my breath away! Thanks again for all of your informative support Dr Ramani! 🤗

Exactly. I heard that phrase many times as reaction to me becoming aware..asking questions about strange behaviours, being suddenly cold or detached by my ex. I know this so well..And I've hated this sentence ever since

The "AND" is genius, because it keeps you focused on the behavior and how it hurts US. Helpful both in interpersonal stuff AND, it's looking like, in some wider cultural discussions going on right now. Thank you so much for this, Dr. Ramani

This happened to me all the time with my ex and I always fell for it, until I hit my breaking point. He hit me with “have you ever made a mistake in your life?” And at that point I was just done and finally came to my senses and realized that I have actually never made the “mistake” of repeatedly abusing ANYONE in my life, let alone the fiancé that I’m supposed to love.

Thank you for existing

Sadly this is so on point. My abuser says “nobody’s perfect like you”

For over 26 years he’d say: “I’m working on it.” I loved this video - everything you said was terrific and it really resonated.

Yes indeed they have that favourite line... mine was "I was like that before you married me" .... I now know I was coerced by a covert malignant narcissist and know my body was reacting and showing physical symptoms that I had no clue about and did not see them as warning signs! They get off on causing chaos and sit back and watch a empath run at full speed to fix and mend and calm everything only to physically and emotionally wear themselves out to the point of hitting a wall and falling in a broken heap. The narc just steps over and with a shit eating grin congratulate themselves for broken mess they've created! At this point they have something else to move onto which is great as it give you the time and space to mend and heal and become the best version of your good self... a beautiful being is back for all to see!!! Excellent words Dr Ramani

Positively spooky. When my parents had their 60th wedding anniversary reception and my narcissist father was asked in front of a big crowd what his advice was for a long and happy marriage, he said “nobody’s perfect.” It seemed like a complete non-sequitur at the time, but now… Thank you so much, Dr. Durvasula, for posting this topic!

I had chills when "Nobody's perfect" devolved into a character assassination of assumed perfection; that's always how it's gone for me. It gets very flipped around to become an issue of how you perceived something rather than them addressing bad behavior. 🤯🤯🤯

Definitely heard this! From the person who expected perfection from me 😡

I’m hearing it from my own daughter! After I spoke with her about what I was going through with her stepfather. I didn’t have anyone to speak to, and she’s been in a narcissistic relationship with a malignant narcissist for 9 years! Now we’re not speaking to each other. But she’s still speaking to her stepfather. I’m in therapy, right now! Working on childhood trauma! But I’m also living with my narcissistic husband. She told me,your not perfect. You aren’t any any better than he is! 29 years of marriage.

Yes! I almost thought for a short moment that I was going to get an apology once. "I'm sorry... I'm not perfect.". Yep. Classic

YES!!!! I heard this Every time he was cornered and no other tactic of blame and responsibility shifting was working. It definitely disarmed me and activated my empathy. That's the beginning of the victim role for him. Then him and his enablers no longer look at his bad behavior but instead target me as a selfish, unforgiving person who can't let anything go! 😩 Ughhh!!

I would hear often "I feel like you want me to be perfect. Nothing is ever good enough for you." This played on my inner voice because yes, I did have issues with perfectionism and yes I did find myself over critical. But it was because we would continue to deal with the same shit over and over and over. He'd work on it for awhile and he'd go right back to his toxic behavior. It was hard to let go because the same issues kept arising. Then I found myself burnt out because now I think it's me that's overreacting. Now I'm saying "Well, he's not perfect. Maybe he needs more time." 🤦🏽‍♀️

I don’t always get “nobody’s perfect” . The responses I get when I express to him that his behaviour and words to me are hurtful. I get stuck in this cycle of I’ll do better, I’ll do this and that to change. So when I break down and show I’m hurting, I get “ well I guess I’m just useless” “I’m just the bad guy” “I’m just an evil hurtful person” and many more said like that. I don’t know what to do. I feel I have to say no your not, your good at this and that etc. I feel I’m going mad by the end of it.

I've actually always heard the opposite - THEY are perfect because they are so much better than everyone else. They've studied a lot, worked a lot, earned a lot, travelled a lot, learned a lot, so they're entitled to have it their way always. It really does press down on your confidence and feeling of self-worth...

YES!!! "Nobody's perfect." or "I'm not perfect." Exactly what he said.

That was my mother's phrase. Also, her friends who witnessed the abuse said that. However, I was expected to be perfect as a child, a teen and an adult. I reached out to her for help while in a narcissistic relationship and this is when she would say to not be too hard on myself or my partner because "nobody's perfect". Thank you for helping heal this.

My response to my mother on this one was "You say nobody is perfect but yet you act and expect to be treated like you are perfect." I usually got backhanded for such statements.

My smothering mum told me things like: "This is what mothers do." And "I'll tell you when you're older." Being 42 myself she now says: "I guess I better don't tell." Never showing vulnerability.

I got a different version of this. When I called out my narcissistic friend she responded with "You're acting as if you're so perfect and I'm a shitty person and a shitty friend..." Thing is no I didn't say I was perfect. I said I was a loyal friend. Which I am. That was a characteristic she herself pointed out. Once I stopped allowing her to force me to prove my worth to her and I became aware that I am a loyal friend, suddenly I was no longer those things when it was convenient for her. I'm so happy I got away before things got worse.

“Nobody’s perfect, they’re set in their ways, he’s just old school,”. All just types of phrases to justify their behavior. Teach on doc 🙏

Absolutely perfect timing! I heard this “we are not perfect, YOU are not perfect” from my parents today, after pointing out stuff that they did and said to me that hurt me deeply. The tipping point was yesterday when trying to talk casually with my mother, I explained to her how happy I am that I’ve been working out, gaining muscle and she said “you know that part of that is fat right?” It might seem like something stupid and not really serious to the point of hurting my feelings but honestly after a like of these sort of comments among other deeply hurtful actions, I reaching my limit with this and all she said after I explained how I felt is that I’m overreacting and that they love me and would never do something to hurt my feelings, I’m the one that is misinterpreting them… I’m just tired, absolute drained…

The same message came to me in the form of "I try" over and over every argument, accompanied by crocodile tears. It got old. I also gaslighted myself and would remind myself that we are all capable of getting things wrong, even when we have good intentions. I would justify it to myself that we were all human beings and we all make mistakes. This unfortunately kept me roped in to many unhappy years..😩

Dr. Ramini, no one is perfect, but your videos perfectly explain narcissism and validate my experiences with narcissists. Thank you. 😊

Something narcs would always say in a relationship.. " you created this problem, I am not responsible, you take responsibility for your actions" while all along they did everything...

Whoa. Gaslighting, denial, justification, and blame shifting. Spot on.

Using the “nobody’s perfect” sentiment to counter our request for boundaries also leads to feeling like we need to be perfect in order to feel justified in even having the smallest of boundaries.

I believe you did a video on "What Enablers/Co-dependents" say to normalize the behavior of Narcs, so it's interesting there is one from the Narc perspective. I also recall a video on "Are enablers/Co-dependents also narcs?" to which I am more believing that yes, yes they are, because I cannot fathom how these people cannot see the abuse. I know that my life is a mess, and that I am starting to realize more and more BS that wasn't right, but I knew from the very start, from a very young child, that what is being done to me, is not right. I'm sure my Narcissistic nutjob Mother would say all sorts of BS to normalize her behavior, but I don't usually call her out on her BS, because it usually involves her playing the victim, twisting words, blaming me for what she does and makes it seem like I'm the one who did it because I called her out on her bs. For example she will talk some bs or say something to annoy me such as "what is this mess in the sink, are you going to clean it up" when I am in the middle of cooking dinner, and there are some pieces of onion skin or tomato or something I cut up, and clearly I will clean up AFTER I'M DONE COOKING and when I tell her that, she will get all huffy and say "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TORTURING ME.... IT'S BETTER WHEN WE DON'T TALK!" While she's the torturer who says this same thing every single day, every single meal, just to annoy me and try to control all of my actions, make comments, and blame me. Complains about things not being 100% clean on the counter, or stuff on the counter used for cooking.... Meanwhile she does it all the time, no problem.... "Rules for thee, but not for me." ----- My Enabler Father will always say: 1. "She's just joking with you" When she tells me to drop dead.... That I better keep 1 eye open at night and that she will stab me..... That the worst day of her life was the day she gave birth to me, etc 2. "You're exaggerating" when I tell him about what she does to me, and the pain I've had in my life. (even though he seems to get I'm not happy and that I've had it rough, but doesn't seem to believe my side of the story, which I realized yesterday or a couple of days ago, that that just means he just doesn't believe me.... That he thinks I'm a liar and that I'm lying...). 3. "You don't understand!" when I tell him that he doesn't understand my life, so he just says it right back to me... Like a child. 4. "She's had it rough," "She had a hard childhood," "She's in a bad mood," When I tell him about what she does, or when she's in a bad mood in order to justify that she's going to be a POS for the entire day. 5. "If you let her actions bother you then you're giving her control over you" whenever I tell him she's abusing me, he makes this bs excuse that if I let it bother me, that means I'm giving her, or others, control over my life.... However when i Was 8 years old, and made a random comment in the middle of one of the 2+ hour long religious holidays that she didn't like, because I "interrupted the flow/holiday/etc," she flips out, starts raging, and storms off.... While I get blamed by my loving father for ruining the holidays because "You upset her and you need to understand that your actions affect other people, and you have to take responsibility for what you do that affects other people." My entire life I was scared of doing things to others, because that would mean they would have a reason to do bad things to me... Just imagine from 8 years old until 28 or so believing this bs, until he starts using the "other people will control you" bs, which I actually believed as well for a couple of years, until all of this started making sense.... Thanks daddy! 6. He will let her talk any sort of BS, abuse, etc towards me, but when I tell her to leave me alone he will say "Stop it," "Leave her alone," "It does no good," etc... He will try to explain stuff to me, and it just makes me go crazy. Just imagine having a mother chew you out, treat you like garbage and then every single time, your father comes and starts explaining to you too... As if you didn't just have enough abuse, now your father is involved... Even if he doesn't understand it's just annoying... Lack of observational skills and reasoning. Worse is he will make excuses for her behavior towards me and then I will get the blame. He has even gotten red in the face and does his usual biting of his hand when he gets extremely angry, because I "talk back" to mom.... When I Called him out on it a bunch of times, and asked him to stop (and he didn't multiple times I asked him),the last time I asked him why he does this and why he cannot be on my side, he tells me that "I do it for you, because it does no good and just escalates it...." YOU DO IT FOR ME? F THAT BS..... Gets angry at me... FOR ME?!?!?!!!?!?!? It's funny, because the previous times he would say "What, you expect me to talk to her and tell her what to do...? That does no good.... She just gets angry at me...." yes, because SHE GETS MAD AT YOU DAD.... YOU DON'T LIKE THAT AND INSTEAD PUT IT ALL ON ME... Absolutely shameful. 7. "Stop talking about the past, it does no good. Look towards the future." While also saying "It's all the little things over the years that upsets your mother." or as a child" Well you used to beat your brother so that means it happened this time too," when my brother would make up lies saying I would hit him, when I didn't. Even though he hit me at times too. Do you think my parents gave a shit? I could pat my brother on the shoulder and it would be "beating him." My mother always told my father I was "beating my brother," which caused me to get massive beating a few times when I was 6-7 years old that caused me massive trauma, that I still deal with to this day, and probably will my entire life. My entire life I always thought "if only he listened to my side of the story...." Because he wouldn't have hit me if he listened to me.... Right? I gaslit myself for so long. 8. "We tried our best" when I tell him about all the pain and suffering they've caused me. 9. Worst of all "We love you, Mom does too, even if you don't think so." The worst slap in the face is telling a child you love them.... When you don't listen to them, when you invalidate their life experiences, when you look at them as a liar, when you treat them as trash, when all they wanted were parents who loved them, to which they spent so much time and energy trying to be a good son to you, only to get treated worse than trash, and told "we love you." To think this was the "Hero" I looked up to, that I worshiped.... My entire life, for over 30 years.... and it took about 3-4 years for me to start unraveling it all, trying to make more excuses, gas-light myself, and try every possible way to make this work... To actually still have a chance to have a relationship with this so called father.... No one.... could ever understand the suffering I have to live with every day. No one.... should have to be in such pain every waking moment. How can such people tell you they love you? How can such people believe they are good parents? Why would such people ever have children when they have their own unresolved traumas and issues? So damn selfish.

I’ve heard: “God knows my heart”. The enabler will then bring up things that the narcissist has “helped” me with in the past. The enabler means well but they are unable too see the manipulation tactics of the narcissist…all they see is the action that was done. This was helpful! Thanks

I've been accused of so many things in the past 2 years. A narc, an abuser, gaslighting, selfish, a runner etc.

My last therapist told me the same thing you mentioned how my parents arent perfect and are doing the best they can with the knowledge they have. When my mum is a counsellor herself, it's sad that this message is so prevalent when it comes to abuse.

I think the next time I hear a narc say that phrase, I'm gonna respond with "You are so right, and that's the only thing we will ever agree on"

They never take responsibility for their actions! Always your fault!

Yes to this, but also mine also said “I know but what I do” or “you always make me the bad guy”. He could never take accountability. He made me feel like my expectations were too much but they weren’t.

“Yeah, you’re right. You’re always right” Ugh 😑 I’ve heard this when I was definitely right but then he had to jab me with “you’re always right” so he could demean me. It worked to anger me and tick me off! Ugh, I’m tired just recalling this one.

I also heard "No relationship is perfect," especially from the narcissist's enablers.