Navigating a Neurodiverse Marriage - Autistic Husband and Neurotypical Wife (Part One)

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Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I'm joined by my neurotypical wife Renee to explore the topic of #neurodiverse relationships. Plus we share our lived experiences and tips on neurodiverse relationships. #actuallyautistic #orionkelly #autism #relationships #neurodiversity #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike
Watch Part Two: • Navigating a Neurodive...
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30 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 485

@Shadow-zf5uc 2 года назад

I like seeing Orion and his wife together. It's nice of her to come here and answer questions for us, but it's also nice to see how they interact. It's very clear that they care a lot about each other and that's nice to see.

@raygipson8896 Год назад

I agree, this is a wonderful video.

@lindziep6319 11 месяцев назад

😮 this is our goal since my bf has mild autism so were both adjusting and so far we didnt have an argument together 😅 i like teasing him

@LishaV81 2 месяца назад

I just want to touch on the "alone time" subject. My husband and I are in a similar boat, but I'm autistic and he has ADHD and tourettes, so he's "more disabled" than I am, and his meltdowns are more detrimental than mine because he hurts himself (due to his tics). He feels incredibly guilty over the fact that he gets 90% more alone time than I do, and I will admit that it is hard for me. I feel for your wife because her "alone time" is just self care and chores (showering extra long, taking longer going to the store) One thing that might help you guys (and anyone else reading this), is if you SCHEDULE time for her to be alone. Start with 30 minutes a day where you say "I've got the kids for this amount of time, go do whatever you want." Then give the kids a bath or play videogames with them (something that will distract them for that amount of time.) It's easier said than done, but if it's part of the schedule then it might help. I say this out of love

@stevedryden803 Год назад

wish my spouse was accepting I was just diagnosed after 34 years together. When I print out information about ASD he tells me" I have lived with you all of these years, I don't need to read about it"

@KeenanDenis Год назад

The intimacy conversation had me laughing out loud. So funny.

@israellara89 4 месяца назад

I'm autistic and my wife is neurotipycal. Our 7 year marriage has been chaotic and I don't know she's put up with me all these years 😂

@isabellefaguy7351 Год назад

One thing struck me listening to your wife (I'm an autistic 45 yo woman who's been in 2 long term relationships) : for a neurodiverse relationship to work, the NT partner needs to have a lot of self-confidence, as in being able to not think everything you do is related to them. For example, when she said if you're discussing a topic and she sees you're becoming to anxious and near meltdown, she doesn't think "you don't like her anymore for not wanting to discuss", she actually understand you have difficulty, need more time to understand or think about the matter, etc. I've met very few adults who are able to do that. Keep that wife preciously.

@mischemixDJacademy Год назад

I can so relate to this as my husband lacks confidence and struggles with my directness and sharp tone and cannot cope very well when I get passionate about a subject...

@uraniatv3431 Год назад

I think people can do it if they know that that's what is going on. Unfortunately (not in the moment), often it's never explained or discussed. And in other contexts the distress would be related to them. Remember that we are watching a couple who have been together for a really long time and have worked through a lot together. It may be that initially she did worry that his distress was about her. But after you witness that several times AND discuss what's happened you get that it almost never is. I think it doesn't work to expect anyone to interpret our behavior, especially if it isn't what they experience and has a different cause than it would have for other people. Nope, gotta tell them (or find them resources like Orion to find out) and talk about it and your needs.

@uraniatv3431 Год назад

In other words, the ability to accommodate isn't an innate deficit that NTs have. Yes, they function differently but if they understand how we work and are willing to accommodate then they can make those allowances much of the time. As Renee says life throws lots of different stuff at you that you have to accommodate and that happens whether you're NT or ND.

@part0fspeech Год назад

This. My husband always struggled with not taking my rationality and delayed processing as a sign of me not caring about him, and he also felt unimportant and untalented compared to me and my passions and interests. Now, after 12 years together, he’s decided to separate, and it broke my heart… he’s also being screened for a borderline personality disorder, so basically and opposite of being confident in a relationship. I just wonder whether Orion’s wife’s level of confidence is even achievable, I have never seen something like that, especially with men, or maybe I wasn’t looking properly?

@noblestsavage1742 Год назад

@@mischemixDJacademy that sounds exactly like my wife too. im talking normally (in my mind) and shes freaking out thinking im shouting at her and she actually thinks i can control it.

@evancampbell7048 Год назад

7:18 I felt this one. I'm autistic, my wife has ADHD. Neither of us knew it about ourselves until we had our daughter, life got so hard and we both started crumbling. Several years of therapy and couples counseling and we're finally on a good path again, just three neurodiverse humans working out life together.

@christianmiller1723 Год назад

Oh my god, what you said about arguments is exactly what I've always said to people. I never understand why a person says we are having an argument, I always think it's a meaningful conversation.

@joycebrewer4150 Год назад

My mom used to call them loud discussions 😕

@Belgaer 5 месяцев назад

I used to think they were debates. I would get passionate, but never angry. It made no sense to my friends that I’d say I enjoy it. They used to think I meant I enjoy arguing… like I enjoy conflict or something. 😅 Now it’s making a lot more sense.

@kacake Месяц назад

Yeah, my mom always gets offended when I am just trying to explain something

@andersdottir1111 2 года назад

You are a lovely couple and Renee is very understanding of Orion’s need for ‘alone time’ I hope that doesn’t mean she’s exhausting herself- do get someone to do your housework if possible Renee and even get a few healthy meals delivered each week too. No need to be ‘superwoman’ these days - you’ll burn out. Great show!

@sammylangford8858 Год назад

That’s a great idea.

@user-hi8rg7bl2s 11 месяцев назад

It is a great idea. Respectfully, can I suggest most women don’t think housecleaning and cooking are predominantly women’s work, though maybe you are responding to the hints this couple may operate that view.

@AleshaM30 10 месяцев назад

Lovely thought if you have disposable income.

@umphizzle310 Год назад

As a neurodivergent partner engaged to a neurotypical partner, I can’t express enough how helpful this is. Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing. Not only does this help neurotypical individuals understand autism more, but this also gave me some additional insight to how my neurotypical partner might feel. Which opens the door for us to discuss it. Thank you, and you’re a beautiful couple. 💚

@GoingtoHecq 2 месяца назад

She looks to him, doesn't get the allistic cue of eye contact back, doesn't skip a beat and still loves him. He's just listening to her completely the whole time. Great couple. How did you (she, wife) learn to not internalize the lack of expected corresponding social cues?

@karlakay 5 дней назад

Good question. I TRY to ignore lack of feedback...haven't accomplished 'not internalizing' the hurt

@2artcolony Год назад

Circling back for my husband is harder when he is calm. It comes off as "hey, you are attacking me about that thing we already fought over." . The big stuff we power through with rules. First we go through the checklist.ARE YOU...... tired, hungry, thirsty, hurt (stomach aches cause a lot of arguments) or board? This is not to say you can't be hungry and still have a valid point. Those issues make small issues feel big. Tackle the easy stuff (hungry, tired, hurt...) and then see if there is the big stuff. This is true for the neurotypicals as well. We power through with rules. We use hand signals to indicate lower the volume. Topic cards (so easy for both to emotionally link arguments -- it feels like the time you did this and this and this-- topic cards keep everyone on topic) The word "apples". When "apples" are invoked, the other stops talking and just listens. As you know, when discussions are hard, there is a lot of defensiveness, again this has to be on topic. Finally, we don't walk away feeling like a massive pile of human scabs, we take a few minutes after to say "I appreciate you ...." and give three examples. It's easy to fall into a habit of what you don't like. We try to keep in the habit of what we do like. We practice those everyday. "You smell good." "Thank you for being a good friend (being friends is really important in marriage)." "I like the way you did that," This keeps the reminders at the end of a fight from seeming artificial or "you're my wife, you have to say that."

@LaceyMyriah Год назад

This comment was more valuable than you may know! I’m taking a screenshot and making mental notes for myself.

@nievesnadia3 Год назад

As a couples therapist who is looking to help more neurodiverse partners in their relationships, I really appreciate your disclosure and honesty! :)

@sadegonzalez6870 Год назад

where are you currently located?

@sadegonzalez6870 Год назад

for couples therapy

@nievesnadia3 Год назад

@sadegonzalez6870 I'm licensed in NY and NJ but currently on maternity leave until early November. I'm part of a group private practice in NY.

@mariecait 2 года назад

you are a great husband and father. needing alone time so you don’t have meltdowns is just a part of the package that comes with an autistic partner. if we can avoid meltdowns we do whatever we can each day to do so. i know you do your best and love your family a lot. your wife is very beautiful and charming. best wishes from america 😊❤

@lifeonamarble961 Год назад

How do guys meet women in the USA on the spectrum? I hate dating but it's a necessary evil I guess🤣

@kathryngreaves432 Год назад

I think what your wife is saying about needing a loan time is totally true with any relationship. I think mothers are relied on to run the home and kids and manage home life. Im autistic and my husband isn't and I find although he's the bread winner. I do everything else. I have to plan in time to go see friends or have my time and tell him this is happening because if not I can melt down and burn out. I could really use the alone time and actually make sure I do but in detriment to my health for example I'll stay up late to get my quiet time when the rest of the house has gone to bed. Which then means I cut my sleep short but I need the time. I guess what I'm saying your wife needs time alone as well though and needs to be planned for her.

@kathryngreaves432 Год назад

Also in regards to your wife telling you what she needs you to do is pretty common. I think most men need to be told what to do. What's expected, I have to write lists for my hubby because he would happily do nothing. He's not got autism. He just doesn't see stuff the same way. Would happily live in a pig sty.

@BernadetteHiggins 10 месяцев назад

I am in the exact same situation as you and it's reassuring to read about another mum who doesn't get enough alone time and stays up ridiculously late to get some alone time. Also I think its because I hate transitions. Thanks

@heatherwilliams3748 7 месяцев назад

I very much look forward to nighttime when the whole house is sleeping and I can enjoy just not being needed for one thing or another. Especially because I don't leave my house often and even more especially because I don't socialize in person with even my two dearest friends. I socialize maybe once a year and it's incredibly draining and stressful. I was surprised to hear his wife talk about not being able to have alone time and instead just taking a long shower or sit on the toilet longer. No thank you. I think her getting alone time is just as important as her ND husband getting alone time.

@rhondawest6838 2 года назад

I was genuinely surprised when she said that she enjoys the social aspect of work. I really thought neuro-typical people were just better at tolerating socializing at work. Except for rare occasions where I've worked with people who I could genuinely connect with, most of the time I spend trying to figure out what people expect of me, how "weird" I'm being, whether or not I'm reacting appropriately, while actually listening to and absorbing what's being said. it's exhausting.

@JaneAustenAteMyCat 2 года назад

Bless you, that does sound exhausting

@eleonorelee267 4 месяца назад

Absolutely! I generally think "No Way! No one could possibly enjoy... crowds, noise, small talk, not focusing on your favorite thing until you forget you are tired, hungry and need to pee very badly" etc I always thought everyone thought like me, until I learned that they actually don't, even though I simultaneously knew I really do not fit in and am on the wrong planet!

@objectivityisourfriend9631 Год назад

My partner (I'm the autistic one -female) is very logical, grounded, and no-drama. He has a very healthy intact ego and he communicates like Renee - with a lot of perspective, overall wisdom, insight, practicality, and self-awareness. She's a real jewel. I'm lucky I met my partner. I always joke that he's Dutch and that's why it's easy (they are very pragmatic and DIRECT!), but clearly there are people from all backgrounds who can be thoughtful, patient, and pragmatic. These are the types that are good for ND people, if not ND people themselves. I find my partner to be an excellent support and source of inspiration.

@ElaineWalker 2 года назад

My husband and I got married when I was 51, he pretty quickly realized something was up with me.. we did some research, and he helped me figure out I was autistic. IT EXPLAINED EVERYTHING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! I was diagnosed at age 53.. now I'm 54. But he and his two teen daughters had already moved in.. basically right when we got married. I was also caring for my mom who lives with me, and my 7 year old as well. So I had gotten into a mess with way too many people to "care for" and could not function well enough at all. Having basically no alone time blind sighted me. When I was "alone" I couldn't decouple my brain from worrying about the others.. so it didn't feel like alone time. So we now live separately.. he's so sweet. We've never argued once. He's my best friend and he helps me in so many ways. He's an introverted math professor and we have a very compatible sense of humor, but he's definitely NT. Anyway, I finally realize - I could probably never be a fully functioning wife for anyone. (I was married for 5 years in the 90s too, but didn't know I was autistic then of course). I basically turn into a Vulcan.

@Coastpsych_fi99 Год назад

I’m glad to hear others like me! I can’t be a wife either and realise I need to live alone asap. I don’t know how people have kids or marriages with autism / adhd. I would melt down daily.

@isabo3556 Год назад

The role of a Vulcan is extremely soothing.

@WorthlessDeadEnd Год назад

Her talking about recognizing signs of an oncoming meltdown is eye opening to me. I have never allowed myself to be romantically involved with anybody because I scare people, and I don't want to traumatize anyone, so I have always deemed myself unworthy for and unfit for love.

@AlexisTwoLastNames 6 месяцев назад

you are worthy. i’m sure i’ve been scarily emotional to my boyfriend, but he is understanding and is learning my triggers (like drinking alcohol) and helps me stay away. idk if i am neurodivergent but i do have a bipolar diagnosis and have tons of anxiety that often warps my view of my relationship, but he reassures me. it took some time to get here and i do believe i was heavily masking my true emotionality in the beginning, but i got lucky to have someone who is understanding and i’m constantly working to improve my own habits for my own stress levels and health. it works well. sorry i talked abt myself so much but please know that you ARE worthy of love.

@itspolabear 5 месяцев назад

you're worthy of love. I recently broke up with my boyfriend with autism. I didn't understand him that much cuz he did too much masking and didnt told me bout autism and how it works. I came from a country which talking bout autism and other mental healthy issues are taboo. Im browsing youtube and bumped in these videos. I know it's too late. I understand it way better now and honestly, i could have handle the moments way better if he was just more open about it. You dont scare someone. There's someone out there that's worth your love and if you find her; be open about this. I hope we can hear an update from you. ❤️

@whitneymason406 2 года назад

This was lovely! Thank you Renee and Orion for being so open and honest with us. You have a beautiful relationship! 💞

@LaddGardner4 Год назад

Renee is flat-out amazing. Orion is brilliant. What a great thing that these two found each other.

@MickeymasterD93 Год назад

I married my wife and acquired 3 children within 3 years before the question of me being autistic even came up. It really feels validating seeing your experience because It helps me stop gaslighting myself about my self diagnosis.

@gonnfishy2987 2 года назад

Omg you get accused of “fighting/arguing” when you’re just trying to have a strident discussion?!? My nt mother is the WORST for this. It’s like i can’t make a point without being accused of being a monster or arguing or being hostile.

@rhael42 Год назад

What the actual fuck is even wrong with NTs that they assume every aspect of life has to be combative?

@joycebrewer4150 Год назад

In my sister-in-law's house, anything over a polite conversational tone, is considered being horribly strident and argumentative, even if the intent is excitement to share an interesting experience.😢

8 месяцев назад

I would like to have another episode of how you two make sure your wife gets her needs met as well. How do you as the partner with AS work and do to meet your wife s needs

@Dedo70 2 года назад

Renee, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out! Thank you both for a very candid and transparent conversation about struggles and strengths in your relationship. You are both blessed to have each other.

@edithendlesshobbies 4 месяца назад

I’m a neurotypical female who recently started dating an autistic male, and your channel is really great for me to learn more about it and hopefully be a better and more understanding partner :)

@shobe071592 3 месяца назад

OMG! Same. And I really want to make this work because this person has brought out a different side of me.

@MsLisa551 Год назад

I loved this.. this resonates with me. I have a man in my life I adore. Though the relationship can't grow to what I'd like it to unfortunately. Chris is almost 50 and never married. He is very structured in his life. He has tried with us but its far from enough. I've accepted his limitations and see him when I can,, but I live my life not waiting anymore.

@ArtandEnglishKate Год назад

You may all protest, but 60% of mental health issues ca be regulated and soothed and alleviated and balanced if you have pretty much money. That means: you can live in a big house with enough space for yourself and other family members; you can hire a babysitter for babies, a house keeper for inherently multitasking house-chores; you can eat the best nutritive food which contributes to healthy brain cells (salmon, shrimps rich in Omega-3 etc.); you can have your personal individual specialists like therapist, GP, instructor. And what is more, if you're a creative type of autist you can have enough budget for fulfilling your artistic projects. Moreover, you can buy items of clothes which are really comfortable for your highly sensitive skin, and those are of natural fabric which cost a lot. And etcetera and etcetera.

@ptlovelight2971 2 года назад

This was a beautiful healthy discussion! Thanks to your lovely wife for participating. My thoughts on ND relationships: they can only work if the NT partner has a lot of patience and understanding of ASD. They would also have to readjust their expectations in the relationship. This may seem unfair, and in fact it is. But the ND partner also has to be very cognizant of their limitations, know what their triggers are, and continue to improve themselves. And if both parties do this with a healthy level of respect and some good humor (as you two seem to!😊) then it can be very rewarding! I'm a 36yo F autistic who was diagnosed last year; you two give me hope for a healthy relationship:) cheers!

@yushi911 7 месяцев назад

My husband of the 17 years has not received a diagnosis officially but our son did and I highly suspect he is on spectrum as well. One of the thing I hate is my husband take too much time for him. Like after coming from work at 6h00pm he goes straight to our bedroom and get a 30 min nap and rest of his day. I had the same diploma than him and I have even more a stressful job as I am a manager now, but I need to cook and take carebof the kids. I am always on the run. I cope with the stress to make everything happen and have food ready on the table at 6:30pm so the kids can have their routine….so frustrating that he puts his needs before the family and making me coping. This should be a team work. We argue so many times… sometimes I just think I am so autonomous that their will ne no difference if I am a single mom. Actually, i won’t have him as a bullet.

@MisaRedd 8 месяцев назад

Wife seems so stressed and needs alil relief 🥺 though yes she understands, that should be why she is treated more gentler. But it’s seems in this situation the more you take, the more you are expected to take. I think my husband is autistic or Asperger’s

@jinamerica 8 месяцев назад

The differences discussed about here aren’t just NT / ND issues. It’s also male female issues.

@margaretqueenofscots9450 Год назад

In my observations, my husband actually has a harder time around the other autists in our circle, they trigger his sensitivities way more (because of their loud, intense conversations etc) which I find rather hilarious

@nonamelegend_vapor 6 месяцев назад

ASD myself, and this is a legit thing. Having autism definitely doesn't give you a built-in tolerance for the behavior of other autistic people haha. If that were the case, my kids would have like 90% fewer sibling squabbles lol Like, it's easy for us autists to bond and talk a good game through the filter of the internet, but we'd all probably get on each other's nerves so much in person haha

@1SaraB 2 года назад

This is a very valuable conversation! I’m the neurotypical partner a year into a relationship. Knowing that this is worth it & there are others with similar joys and struggles brings peace of mind.

@meows_and_woof 6 месяцев назад

All I can see that in this relationship everything is about this guy, everything revolves around his problems and his neurodivergent persona. I didn’t hear anything about how he compromises for the wife’s sake, like he agrees he needs his time alone on the weekends but what about her? Why can’t they take turns every other week for watching kids , why is it have to be her to be compromising for the sake of the husband , I get it he’s autistic but she also has her needs and ever tho she’s “ neurotypical “ she can also have meltdowns and burn outs . What I see here he’s very comfortable in this situation where she’s pumper if him like a child, basically acting like a mom not like wife. Our mothers always put their children first that’s what is happening here. And he’s very happy with this arrangement, why wouldn’t he? Even his own parents won’t be placing their life around his needs only.

@tabithabasye2440 8 месяцев назад

Married for 19 years. I was diagnosed 4 years ago. Wife just realized she’s most likely on the spectrum thanks to Mom on the Spectrum’s little chart. I answered 37 affirmatively. Wife answered 35. For comparison my BFF & step-mom answered 11 & 12 affirmatively…. Sooo just because one may think they are typical doesn’t mean they are 😂. Especially women… we are very good at hiding it.

@MyFisher2010 2 года назад

ive been married 23 years got diagnosed asd in 2021 but with out my wife id be lost and thats honest she makes sure i eat drink bills are paid having 3 kids also gave me a sense of routine as well

@lauracofman7128 Год назад

COMPROMISE? where is the compromise from Orion? Renee is doing ALL the compromise

@NoLimitsNano 7 месяцев назад

Responding to the comment about knowing about a partners autism before vs after marriage, all the years before discovering my husband was autistic were awful. Just awful. Realizing he was autistic has helped ME to understand why he was so “distant and selfish”. If I had of known how difficult life was in his head I would have been able to be more understanding instead of just devastated and hurt all the time. Getting over 3 decades of hurt and resentment is very challenging, it would have been much better for our marriage and especially our children if I had of had that perspective. It is in NO WAY similar to a medical disorder that has obvious signs. For level 1 ASD it is very hard to detect let alone understand unless you’re coming from that background.

@bezza2005 9 месяцев назад

Thank you for sharing, I’ve been married to Asperger’s husband for 23 years and we have separated. We have been in normal therapy most of the marriage and it has not helped. Found out just recently it never was going too. Hubby soon to be ex hubby refuses to be assessed and doesn’t want a bar of it. This is not what I wanted but my health has taken a hit and I found I can no longer be in this kind of relationship. Relationships are about meeting in the middle 50/50 there is none of that. Since taking all the emotion out of it, we can communicate just with base talk. So sad. 😢

@cgayle92cg 2 года назад

I started seeing my GF right around the time that I discovered I had ADHD, and she was working out that she's Autistic. We're both still undiagnosed as of right now (I have an evaluation this week to find out). But it's been a journey we've been on together, and it's something that's definitely brought us closer together.

@ChronicallyJess Месяц назад

I’m in a similar boat! I recently got “officially” diagnosed with ADHD and Autism and my partner most likely has ADHD as well. We’d dated for over a year before suspicions were raised that I might be Autistic, and it’s been a crazy, but amazing journey since. We’re definitely a lot closer now too 💜

@nicksignore8703 2 года назад

Renee I love seeing you on here. How you negotiate life *together* is so important to see. Highly recommend you get a babysitter or daddy helper for you to get away here and there. I know the value of such is not easy to quantify, perhaps as Orion. But you both need and deserve it. Everyone benefits. Your kids benefit when they see you doing things for yourself outside if work and home. It normalizes the need to do so in their eyes, and de-pathologizes Orion. Instead of Orion has special needs, it's just that his symptoms when not getting some time are different. It's worth the financial sacrifice believe me!

@Edisonapple Год назад

Are you in therapy with a therapist that specializes in an autism spectrum disorder? I think it’s essential for neurodiverse couples .

@paulahardin3420 Год назад

How does Renee handle your bluntness if it’s hurtful? Does she get her feelings hurt? My boyfriend will tell me I’m not that great of a cook stand beside me snd tell me how to cook. I don’t iron his shirts to suit him , etc. or if he tells me I need to put on some makeup. Says I can’t sing or write songs as good as him (he’s a songwriter part-time). He drives a truck works 5 off 2 and rarely text or calls me when he’s away. Says he doesn’t feel like it or he’s too tired. I feel like we’re losing any possible connection snd it breaks my heart. He doesn’t like to do much more than a smack kiss and will hug me but mainly wants me to wait on him like a slave girl

@user-eg8ht4im6x 2 года назад

Thank you for this video, I am single always have been and always will, I genuinely love being single. I have really enjoy watching this video, hearing you both speak so openly about your relationship. I love the way you have both worked to have the marriage you have, you both obviously love each other and it’s wonderful to see. I’m sure this video is going to be very helpful to other married couples. I think the key point is that you love each other for who you are. Without that deep love and compassion on both sides the relationship would not work. That the bases for all relationships. I am looking forward to the next part

@lottevanderzanden5045 2 года назад

Thank you so much for this video. My autistic husband and I loved watching your conversation and we talked for more than an hour afterwards about the time that we dated, his diagnosis and how our relationship changed after we had kids. A type of conversation we haven't had for a long time and it felt great. Thanks for inspiring it! We are looking forward to part 2 (and hopefully more to come).

@BlondeJedi 9 месяцев назад

So glad for this video of both of you together. We've been married for 42 years and just learned of my diagnosis a couple weeks ago. She was at the end of her rope and her counselor suggested the possibility of my condition. I have been bewildered by my wife and kids' issues with me because I have seen myself as a super nice guy with positive traits that I thought would be admirable. Now we know what's going on and have been learning alot thru your videos and others'. Thanks so much. From my view, we don't have arguments either. We discuss things. She shares her side, I share mine. We might volley that once or twice but if we aren't getting anywhere then we let it rest and come back another time when we've both had time to process and come up with a new angle. It's not important WHO is right, but rather what is the truth or what is best, objectively.

@sampreston1791 2 года назад

When I met my current partner I connected better than with my previous partners but I believed we had a neuro diverse relationship. I'm currently understanding I'm going through autistic burn out so my life long masks have dropped and ive picked up on the now obvious traits. To be perfectly honest I have had the same issues, resentments and experiences over the 10yrs together. Ive found it hard because our presentation is very different and I have trauma pressure to conform and cope but he doesn't even try so I do everything in the house and he works and does his stuff, I make all the concessions to his traits and none of my needs are met at all (hence burn out I guess). I find this really confusing as i understand ND will be difficult but expected spectrum relationships to be a little more understanding

@Play2Lead 2 года назад

Happy anniversary for tomorrow! You both are so inspiring and real. I love how you know yourself and each other so well and have mutual respect and appreciation. It's clear that having common interests like humour and a commitment to each other and your kids make all the difference in making your marriage work.

@Jenna.g.85 11 месяцев назад

Renee seems cool. You’re a nice couple. Glad you’ve been able to work together

@sweetlolitaChii Год назад

I love this discussion so much. Both my husband and I are autistic, and even then, we are so incredibly different and struggle with different things. We also have our unique strengths. I have a much harder time understanding sarcasm, whereas he seems to be an expert in it. He has a harder time with time management, but I'm great at it. And we compliment each other really well/understand each other's needs, but it wasn't just an automatic easy ride at all! Every relationship is a struggle regardless, and neurodiverse couples can make it work whether one or both is autistic or has adhd

@amberbariaktari Месяц назад

I always think of ideas and outside the box and what comes immediately to mind is just for a couple hours twice a week or once a week or whatever times hire a safe person to be with the kids so your wife can have some alone time or go to the beach time etc. Having that time to recharge will help with feelings of jealousy etc. And hugely self care.

@ferfer1691 2 года назад

Thank you for making the video; your wife is really lovely

@JaneAustenAteMyCat 2 года назад

What a lovely couple. You have an ease between you that only happens with a genuine, loving relationship. It's wonderful to see - thank you

@stephysteph8558 2 года назад

The part about offense is interesting - I also like deep conversations, but I might phrase it as you have to be willing to "challenge" people to broaden their minds or think through their assumptions. With my partner (or even with friends), what I try to avoid is talking to the other person like they're stupid or like they're malicious. If I find myself getting a bit annoyed I remember "He's a smart, capable guy who would never want to hurt me" and then that helps me work through the problem constructively. But then we're both soft timid bunnies so rather than arguing our problem is more like we're both fretting over something silently, trying not to cause a problem, when it could be resolved in a second if we just spoke up.😅

@oceanside13 Год назад

As someone with autism I find that I can talk about anything, with anyone -- as long as we stick to I-statements. You-statements are irrational, and the critical ones tend to cause defensiveness, and so I refrain from using them, and I usually disengage from someone who uses them on me.

@edgelordcutting 2 года назад

This need for time thing is so important, its serious social issue. We really need to reevaluate. As an autistic person i can not function in the current social model that's expected of me. But interestingly everyone i know struggles as-well so people are over stress to begin with . Why is it surprising to anyone that people with disability struggle to keep up.

@deetmah5800 2 года назад

After going undiagnosed for 25yrs and going through everything that comes with it, I'm at a point where I find it excruciatingly hard to even keep friendships with NT people. Constant miscommunications and the tendency to lie/be insincere, which most NTs have, just has me do way too much mental math to actually figure out where the relationship stands. I'm so thankful my partner is also on the spectrum, that just makes it way easier for me to communicate my needs and be understood. So it's all the more impressive for me, how you and your wife are able to communicate successfully and raise children with each other!

@waynepolo6193 2 года назад

It’s exhausting, to be sure. One thing that’s helpful to remember is that it’s just as often a bit of a challenge for folks who are NT to understand *us!* That we’re not intentionally _trying_ to be difficult toward them any more than they are to us. It can definitely be more frustrating for one side than the other, as I don’t imagine NTs typically feel as though there’s some great, Autistic conspiracy seeking to undermine _them_ at every turn 😆. But just as importantly, there isn’t actually a grand conspiracy on their part to sabotage us either. Most of the time, people are generally perfectly lovely individuals, going about their days just hoping to be loved, and understood, and accepted; same as anyone. It’s easy to let one’s frustrations slowly creep into generalizations over time. But if we let ourselves fall into those traps, we deprive ourselves, and the world around us, of the very thing that makes us special: the ability to see things that others can’t… to appreciate the qualities that most folks simply take for granted… even the qualities that make _other_ people unique, themselves!

@giovannamoro8564 2 года назад

She's a very commited wife and mother with a great sense of responability . I think that she's decided to understand the problem rather than fight it to make it disappear . She knows it will not and that fighting it it will only cause even more tension. She's willing to make it work because the love toward her family is greater than anything else. She's very intelligent ,emphatic,polite and kind hearthed. She loves orion deeply . I've to say that at times she comes off a little quirky too but in an adorable way . I've never seen an authistic man like orion , i don't know if he's masking during the videos , all i sense is adhd .

@judieg.7945 Год назад

Gosh, so many NT's feel the same about the painful lack with the relationship with a non typical person.

@judieg.7945 Год назад

@@waynepolo6193 Just as often a bit of a challenge? It has been the biggest heartbreak in my life. We get that you are not trying to be difficult. It goes with the understanding that the essence of relationship appears to just be missing in any meaningful relationship with non NT's.

@judieg.7945 Год назад

@@giovannamoro8564 Thank you for seeing clearly. These videos offer false hope to those who still have hope. IMO.

@Jake12220 2 года назад

It was interesting watching the thoughts being processed and the stress levels increasing as you were listening to some of her answers. It's clear you're aware of some of your shortcomings and would love to be able to do better, but l guess that's part of our burden in life, not only to have shortcomings but to be aware of how they impact others and how as much as we wish to improve there is only so much we can do. Learning to accept such things has often been difficult, but without acceptance it just creates more stress which leads to meltdowns or breakdowns.

@ben-me9jy 7 месяцев назад

Thank you Renee for your time and your energy and your thoughts!

@tabithabasye2440 8 месяцев назад

OMG TONE! My wife just told me she gets defensive because I sound aggressive & grumpy. So I asked if I say everything like that and she thought for a minute and said, “yes”. So I was like why do you get defensive if everything I say sounds grumpy lol? So I have been working on my tone. In my head I sound like a wise martial arts master guiding those around me with my profound thoughts. Instead I sound like Grouchy Smurf 😂… and yes, I now see the irony in having Grumpy Bear as my photo since I started Google/RU-vid like 10 years ago 😂.

@emmahamilton1514 Год назад

My autistic husband is the one who always thinks we are having an argument and gets offended; even if I ask him to do something it’s taken as an attack. Married over 30 years and it has become harder as it goes on he becomes more withdrawn. Only diagnosed a couple of years ago. Struggling.

@rhwalker2011 Год назад

I have a hard time with my volume in conversations because I get so excited and passionate about what I'm talking about. Other times like in meltdowns or if I'm in a fit of rage of course my volume has no control but my husband likes to question my volume. I may have to yell "I'm just being passionate and loud" 😂. I think that is going to be my new favorite thing to say when questioned on my tone at the time. I just came across your channel and love your videos! Thank you for the relatable content and laughs.

@teresaharris2279 Год назад

What a wonderful wife!!! God Bless you!

@wkg777 Год назад

My aspergers husband keeps getting on game apps that have a chat room attached even though he knows I hate it because he gives his time, energy, conversation to those in the chat rather than me. This may sound minor but it isn't, it's a real detriment to our relationship as he has no need of connection with me since he finds it online. We're married 10 years in June but he's 67 y.o....not a college student living in his parent's basement playing stupid games on his phone. This I resent.

@RichCollis1889 Год назад

If I had known I was on the spectrum before I met my now wife I would have stayed single, not because I don't love my wife, but because I make her life a misery. Perversely (if that's the right word) it's only become clear now after 8 years of marriage and all the trials and tribulations that I'm strongly suspected of being ND. I'm awaiting a diagnoses after being referred by an anxiety therapist who after our first session picked up on the signs.

@carau7237 Год назад

Oh mate, the fact that your are going to therapy and going through getting a diagnoses is amazing that is more than half the battle, well done to you! I think sometimes when we know why we do things it makes it easier ( speaking from experience) don't give up hope 🙏

@lindaboiteux1758 Год назад

That's wonderful! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

@kellymccance1962 Год назад

Having a good wife will make you or break you. Mine's a Grandiose Narc. My troubles are a waste of her time. I keep saying that one day I'll release the hounds to run where they need.

@fionam7768 11 месяцев назад

As a neurotypical person, I really want to re-inforce what's said here about compromise, but from a slightly different perspective. Do *not* think that neutotypical partners have any meaningful advantage over anyone on the spectrum on question of social interactions outside the couple (or inside, for that matter, but one aspect at a time 😅). I understand that you might assume they do, and perhaps objectively they should. However my 40 years of experience (not counting ages 0-12) is that most neurotypical couples will have significant differences in how much/often/broadly they want to interact out the two persons involved. In fact, this is one aspect of being involved with someone on the spectrum is an advantage, as they are more likely to be conscious of their need for regulation and take positive action accordingly to manage/discuss it, where two neurotypical people will go thru cycles of sulking, resentment, insecurity, bullying, blaming and a whole lot of other less than constructive behaviours. The "typical" part of 'neurotypical' isn't a qualitative term; it has little bearing on the outcomes we achieve with those brains and whether they are healthy or not.

@beautiful_one Год назад

Brilliant content! So good to hear a real conversation on this. My husband and I have been together 7 years, I’m neurotypical and he is autistic. Like you he received his diagnosis after we were married although we had already assumed he was autistic but he found so much relief and self worth through the diagnosis because he always felt he never fit in so the diagnosis gave him a sense of belonging. We face so many of the challenges you have mentioned but I wouldn’t change it for the world! Thank you so much for creating your videos and being open about your relationship, I’ve found it very reassuring and helpful! 💛

@OffGridInvestor 8 месяцев назад

Touched on something that I noticed there. I can fully understand people getting upset, it's not like I can't see it except for when I was a little kid. But I have the ability to remain completely unheated and stable during a conversation where others are getting angry. Just cut a high percentage of the emotional reactions. Not most of the time but I can throw into that mode. Me and another workmate weren't getting a great deal with a new job, he was going to blast the boss and I said "he's just the bottom cog in the corporate structure. Whatever you say, he has no power to change it. You'll be wasting time.". And I was completely right as he said later he would just let everyone work at their own pace of it was his choice. Thankfully we both got out of that hellhole.

@lakeside23 Год назад

Fascinating to WATCH! You and your wife had a 30 minute conversation and you never looked at her! She kept turning to you, but there was no physical connection. (Note: My tone is calm and slightly sad) That is what bothers, offends, disappoints and hurts me the most in my relationship with my husband. For me, it's very unrewarding to talk with him. I feel unseen and disconnected. Knowing it's brain and not love related still does not give me what I would get were he physically engaged with me and smiling at me. The asperger's partner is making sacrifices to accommodate this syndrome, and I think people with aspergers have some responsibility to support their partner 's needs as well. Thanks you for the informative video! I'm looking on the site to see if there are videos to help people with aspergers accommodate partners and friends who are neurotypical. Again, thank you!

@ADORABEL25 Год назад

I agree! I think it’s sad

@hschlacht Год назад

So basically… Renee has to forego/ repress/ accept that this need won’t be met and not only not take it personally but also, maintain a healthy nervous system. Not a small feat.

@christinme23 11 месяцев назад

@@hschlachtI agree with you. My husband has Aspergers and we didn’t know till this year, we’ve been married for 22 years, I have anxiety now and my nerves are bad, I feel like I can’t do anything right. I understand his condition now and I feel better knowing what it is as opposed to not knowing the last 21 years but I need major healing. He’s working on himself which is great but it’s still not near perfect and never will be.

@Lady_Tism 10 месяцев назад

@@christinme23I think that if you have that mindset, maybe it’s time to call it quits.

@christinme23 10 месяцев назад

@@Lady_Tismthat’s not helpful advice but thanks. We are both working on things now, and our relationship has gotten so much better, he’s really trying and I appreciate that. I’m much better then I was, knowing he’s condition has helped so much and I’ve been learning about the condition as well to better help him. When we got married it was through sickness and health, till death do us part and I take that seriously. It would be one thing if he refused to change but he’s actively working on being a better husband and person. Giving up on someone for something they didn’t choose to have is wrong and sad and I will not give up on him.

@brickellvoss7739 Год назад

Oh man that part on arguing I so agree with, I too think its just a conversation, because I can put my feelings aside and just talk it out because my need to understand is so much higher than my need to feel upset or be upset with my partner.

@Nayz1334 2 года назад

Loved watching this, I would like to see Renee expand on the emotional connection. She mentioned that they have a deep emotional connection and this is the most difficult part of our relationship - it's getting more difficult as time goes on as well.

@Jwhite8495 Год назад

It’s the other way around for my husband and I. He is on the spectrum. I think we are only having a conversation but he becomes very defensive and gets so upset. I’ve tried rewording, different approaches etc etc. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

@judieg.7945 Год назад

Stop thinking anything works. Prepare to be the only one who sees it and also to do all of the relationship work if you choose to stay in it. Sorry to break it to you.

@heather2050 29 дней назад

I really appreciate this couple interacting together authentically for us to see. I have been with an undiagnosed Asperger’s (now would be mild ASD) for the past 5 years and I (NT female) am struggling with the differences. This helps. Thank you.

@lynncarter4964 Год назад

this has been one of the best videos for me to see after 5 years of trying to navigate my sensitive ASD husband, basically alone. To try to be more like Renee may be my answer to keeping my health. There has been alot of pain, but it's related to constantly forgetting that his accusations etc have nothing to do with me. Only one thing I totally disagree with: at the end of this video you discussed whether the ASD partner should disclose that he has ASD. What?? Of course he should! Whatever either of you can possibly think to tell eachother about yourselves, you should, so each can make a truly informed decision, and not risk resentment later. Even if I'd had a trauma in my past, I'd feel I should tell, just in case. I'd also feel resentment that I wasn't treated as a partner when something - anything - was ommitted, and wonder why it was hidden from me. No, it just doesn't bode well to intentionally leave out any info before committing to someone. Personally, I'd be very offended if my partner did this. And I am not easily offended. Loved this video! THank you so much!

@saraguaraldi6559 2 года назад

You two are lovely to watch together. So glad you made this video!

@gonnfishy2987 2 года назад

I’m glad you made a video on this topic. I’m about to watch it. I’m interested in learning... just in case 🤪😅😇😇 Hey, I resonate completely with “becoming more autistic/capacity being depleted” - even just in the time i have been sharing my house with someone previously familiar to me. Understand?! Who, me?!

@cherylgoldstein3811 2 года назад

Brilliant thankyou both of you.Such a great insight,my husband and 6 yo son Autistic,my son going through the process of assessing and my husband ticked all the same boxes a carbon copy of each other myself I'm NT.The topics you covered were great really helpful.😁💯🌟❤️

@terrimeakin-rosario9189 Год назад

i have a weird question...do you avoid eye contact with your wife, and how do you compensate for that when you kiss? honest question.

@NeurodiverJENNt 4 месяца назад

"without offense there is no meaningful conversation" 👏🏼 Also, tell Renee she needs to start her own podcast 😂

@jannewilhelm2866 2 года назад

Thank you both for being so incredibly honest on camera! It helps a lot.

@eleonorelee267 4 месяца назад

Hahaha, at 23:15, the bit about the only real conversation offending or being offended. My dad believed this, always. Since learning more about autism (My little bro's kids started it all, now Pandora'sa box is open!) we have posthumously diagnosed my dad. He was a super smart guy who went about offending everyone, but claiming he was having a fun discussion. 🤣 He would straught up walk up to his boss to explain why his boss was, um ignorant, and my dad knew better 🤣 In fact, he usually did. Sociologically speaking, he was decades ahead of his time, like a modern Nostradamus. I used to think it was CPTSD, and it is probably a layer cake of autism with CPTSD, given his life, but he is (was) a poster boy (man) for autistic checkboxes, but born is 1934, so pretty unsupported and undiagnosed, because super smart, able to talk a lot (about what he cared about. His classic line: I know you want to talk about X, but X is not interesting/important. What we really should talk about is Y. Thanks for "quoting" my dad, hehe

@mirandastark1532 Год назад

Your wife is SO CUTE! I suspect I’m autistic, and my partner and I have had such a hard time this year in particular. This made me smile and gave me some hope.

@Axqu7227 5 месяцев назад

I’m moderately autistic with severe PTSD. My husband has severe ADD and mild autism. We’ve found that being too goddamn stubborn to give up on loving each other, and a lot of therapy, helps a lot. We’re a super strong team now but it was very hard won.

@guineahillsoap2625 2 месяца назад

My husband is nuerodivergent, what used to be aspergers. There arent enough helpful videos on the nuerotypical spouse and how they're supposed to cope. Even here it just sounds like she has to make a lot of sacrifices and I'll tell you once you get into 25+ years, it gets exhausting being the one left to "cope". Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but there has been abysmal help for me when needs are being met 2/10 times for decades.

@vickiesorenson2383 2 месяца назад

Looking at this exchange I see a one sided relationship as you put your needs secondary to the autistic persons needs. Your like putting in 120% and the autistic person is like 5%. Having social anxiety impacts your outings , connections with grandparents, and even children . There’s not a full connection here. The bonding like the hugging, eye contact, etc is often missing . Many autistic people can’t work as well which I’ve seen so the partner in essence is the care taker as well. I know some that can’t drive either . So all in all your short changed .

@JAK0449 2 месяца назад

I once lived 3 years with a girl..now she is married to another and a mother and she is still my best friend, and someone whom I can tell everything and who is proud of me, even though we had to break because we were younger and we had lots of demons, and i wasn't aware at all about autism...when I explained her my new discovery, she undertsood, and tell me that "if our demons weren't there (alcohol, drugs) I would have made my life with you!! I sometimes regret what I didi in the past because of my "condition" lol..But I mont attracted to her anymore...but we have a profound, very intense, a very growing relationship and conection...I also helped her to find what she likes, what she was to do as a job, and now she is very happy therapist!! So even if it's hard for me to get new intimate relationships and to keep them, I know I can connect with neurotypical, and I connected a few times..but only once enough to live together a few years, which, with me, is a big challenge i can tell you! And people who will bash me because Im friend with my ex, you don't know nothing..Our famillies became closer, our story is so important, we can't and we don't need to separate our ways.I respect her husband and intimate life, and her husband respects me, knowing he has no danger..Because they all understand I need her on another level, like my best friend...and as I told her, she is the only one outside my families to have seen me unmasking!

@Porpentein 25 дней назад

Definitely developed the habit of taking long bathroom breaks when we had kids.

@FDragons-rg1st 3 месяца назад

28:20-ish I find the disclosure thing interesting too. How could you marry someone you don't know inside and out, so the label doesn't really matter that much anymore? I think the question was probably asked by an older couple, from a generation where 1. there wasn't that much understanding of neurodiversity, or 2. they didn't get the chance to get to know each other that well before marriage. Obviously, nowadays, most of us want to know our prospective partner very well before we make a commitment, especially because masking will wear off after a while and that's when you meet the real person. But not everyone is aware of this. Some people feel trapped in an unsuitable marriage, and it's easier to blame autism than the cultural norms that got them there.

@guera18cpt 3 месяца назад

I feel like it’s easier to find a NT woman that will love you through the Autism negative aspects than a finding a NT man that will do the same. Most of my relationships, the man can’t handle nor want to deal with my Autistic traits even though I go above and beyond to make them happy. 😢. Life is hard….

@yarelinasrebornnursery Год назад

New subscriber here from Puerto Rico. I had seen some of your videos and I love it. I have a son that didn’t have the diagnose because of one of those lacking off lists doctors have to diagnose autism. He didn’t fill all the blanks but I think he is autistic. And I had implemented so many things that are suggested for autism like planing with time, explaining what the experience is going to be 2 or 3 weeks before and I homeschool him and help him in the way he can learn. He learn in a different way. About this video, I just want to say that you have a beautiful marriage. Your wife seems to be very educated to support you as an autistic person but same to you. Most husbands are not as you as a husband and lack of communication and they don’t have autism. So, congratulations for that! God bless your marriage 🙏🏽 Hugs 🤗 Yarelis 🎀

@michellestudios9593 2 года назад

I am half way through this one and love it. Ironically my son is on the spectrum and my daughter has celiac to I resonate with both. Also I am super passionate about some stuff and get worked up. Load, talking too much. My mom said the more anxiety I have the more this happens.

@michellestudios9593 2 года назад

Thanks for sharing your life and experiences with us all.

@michellestudios9593 2 года назад

And omg so many times my so says to me. “Just tell me what you want me to do. Be exact and I’ll be happy to do it. “

@lauracofman7128 Год назад

So if you are the neurological partner, how do YOU get your emotional needs met? It's like being single but married

@kayjay-kreations 2 года назад

This was excellent thank you both 😊

@AMJL082 2 года назад

I love Renee. She’s lovely! I like your energy together. You compliment each other. My son is 9 and on the spectrum and I often wonder if he’ll find a partner one day. Seeing you two together, balancing each other so lovingly and with such good humour really gives me hope for him.

@BananaBananaBanana-y3k 7 месяцев назад

being autistic in the NT world is like being a saucepan on the boil - every now and again you're gonna have to do take the lid off, or its going to spill over - partners of autistic people; taking the lid off for a bit is A LOT EASIER than cleaning up the mess when everything spills over. don't resent helping autistic partners, cos helping them helps you too

@stacy3876 8 месяцев назад

Super ggreat video. Thanks. I would almost venture to say, maybe Neurodiverse marriagges would actually be more complimentory in many ways. I say this because if you have a marriage with 2 Autistic people, they dont always have the SAME areas of struggles. Or mayybe I should say they do struggle in many of the same ways but have different levels of impact in different areas. Like one really really struggles in sensory processing while the other is more overwhelmed in communication. Not that both have effects from many areas of the spectrum, but those effects look different for each person. Plus if you find out later in life about your diagnosis for both individuals, now you have to figure out strategies to navigate these obstacles more with a bit more of understanding of why but not be able to in anyway change these things.

@TheseAreMyHooves 7 месяцев назад

I would like for my partner to be more aware of my signs of approaching burnout. Im not always aware of them myself. I cant help getting overly self conscious about me giving off those signs though. Like, sometimes id like to be able to do those things that might classify as signs, like for instance stimming and echolalia (i never echolale around others), without there necessarily being something "wrong" i might do yhese things when im positively stimulated too... i do think it would be comforting though if my partner told me sometimes that i need alone time or to regulate/ground myself if they notice some signs. It would relieve me of the pressure and difficulty of having to express and ask and go through that whole obstacle course all by myself, especially when its reached the point where that difficulty is increased dramatically - when expressing is incredibly painful and draining

@eleayafrost7951 5 месяцев назад

Anything that could be a "deal breaker", no matter what it is, should be disclosed. It's only fair to give the other person the opportunity to back out, before they invest their time, emotions, etc, to the relationship. I'm autistic, and I really hate it when I find out something about the other person down the line. Something that they should have told me at the start, so that I could have said "no thank you", and moved on, instead of wasting all that time, and getting hurt. Hiding things (not disclosing) is dishonest.