Navigating pleasure and joy when you struggle with trauma and guilt 

As someone who’s also grown up with depression from a very young age, I rly resonated with learning coping mechanisms + sticking to rigid habits from a very young age to learn to suppress some of the things that I was too young to fully know how to deal with. Habits are rly valuable coping mechanisms! But at the same time, it is scary how easily, when habits or routine is broken, a lot of the mental health problems can come back, to the point where one has to wonder how much of what one does in a day is coping or evading this deeper sadness/issue, even when you are otherwise productive and OK.

I've literally always felt the same way. Its scary to be happy because I always expect something to go bad next, so I kind of keep myself in this constant state of anxiety and don't take as many opportunities as I should because I feel like I don't deserve them.

I empathize with you so much, I relate on many levels and I'm entering my first serious relationship (im 25) despite these inner struggles. Would you consider talking about how you navigate building love with your boyfriend while healing from trauma, being hyper aware and simultaneously feeling shut off? Would really like to hear your story also because I know you're influenced by bell hooks' interpretation of romance. Love ya

No, Monica this conversation was a GIFT. thank you. You’re intelligent as hell.

I love you and videos and your mindset about literally anything. just wanted to thank you for all of your videos and this one in particular

love all ur videos they are always are so engaging and nuanced

thank u

Monica you’re truly wise beyond your years. I love how transparent and vulnerable you’re with your audience. Every topic you touch on are so real, so raw and so relatable. Thank you thank you girl I don’t feel so alone.

I love your content ❤️ you always deliver the most raw & genuine talks

Me sitting in my apartment and realizing I am purposely quiet so nobody can hear me and I won’t get in trouble. Feeling like I don’t fit in because I feel guilt 24/7 and a bit more different with how I communicate with people. This video has made me cry a few times thank you for this I really felt so alone in this

The more I learn the I am so confused with sex… I get so emotional with it but part of me wonders if I should be able to be causal and experience that pleasure for just that. But idk if that is right for me either. Being a woman is so confusing

I've been working on accepting myself and my life. Through talking to my counselor, I've learned I tend to make "I need to" and "I should" statements which then create these expectations that I have to live up to or if I don't, I'll be disappointed and feel guilty for not doing it.

“The Body Keeps the Score” That’s all. It’s a book, can’t recommend it more. It’s helped me so much.

“even though all I want is to feel I am terrified” this is such big sister energy thanks for sharing I feel such a deep need to cry as all of this knowledge is expanding me. I feel so dull I want to be colorful. I am overly hyper aware especially being sensitive.

I absolutely love your content. thank you for always being so genuine and linking the books you use!!

This video spoke to me on so many levels. The part where you talk about not taking much space and being constantly on edge thinking that someone might be observing your every move is exactly how I feel. I used to say that my biggest dream in life was to be able to sing proudly in front of people, and that’s because it’s hard to even do it when I’m on my own because of all the invisible eyes and ears I feel around. It’s so good to feel like I’m not on my own. I guess that’s all to say: thank you Monica, for always making valuable content and also for being a badass artist🧡

In love with your mindset, I could listen to you talk for hours. Also an artist so when I’m drawing or painting you’re the first person I look to, you help spark my creativity. Keep up with the great content💞

alright this comment is kinda tmi so read at own discretion i guess lmao i'm halfway through the video but already a lot is quite resonating with me. Might edit this as im watching more. i dont really have s*x, so im not really sure how i'd experience that pleasure. but recently i was m*sturbating and at some point during it i just came to have so many awful thoughts, about how im disgusting for doing this, how i want to hurt myself for doing this, su*cidal thoughts. I got so scared, i wanted to stop but thought maybe if i finished i would feel at least a bit better. But after i did finish, i didnt feel better. It was like 2 am and i harmed myself a bit and then ended up chatting w/ the su*cide hotline and that's how that ended. Since then i'm so scared to experience this kind of thing again. This hyperselfaware stuff is sth that i experience so much. I have been in therapy, and even there which is supposed to be a safe space i am non stop outweighing thoughts like "should i mention this?" "what would they think if i did?" "I should be 100% sure about this thing /before/ i bring it up, because what if i'm wrong?". I dont really know how to stop this, or even if i want to stop because it's a way of protecting myself. I've been educating myself about s*x and feminism since i was an early teen. I am intellectually aware of why i don't need to feel guilty or dirty about certain stuff. But it's like these feelings are so deep in my brain entangled in a tight knot, that barely even believe in a possibility for me to sort this stuff out. Especially perhaps since i live in a country that is a lot less concervative than most, but it's always behind on certain conversations that would be happening in the progressive parts of the USA. So it causes such a discrepancy in my perception of how things are intellectually talked about on the internet vs things i could /actually/ talk about in my environment without judgement or taboo. It seems almost impossible, which is i guess part of my own mind making things worse than they are. ALSO YES, i feel doing this as if im gonna get caught or in trouble SO MUCH. I can barely function in my own house with my family or roommates as just a normal person, i feel like. I'm constantly like "how will they perceive me when i arrange things like this in the bathroom" "how will they perceive me when i buy these foods and these amounts of them and put them in the fridge?" "how will they perceive me when i get up at this hour?" "how will they perceive me when i leave this item around" etc. etc. Sorry for the censoring but yt likes to delete.

You need a spotify podcast girll. Cuz i’d listen to it all dayy. I love how educational your videos are. And it’s just therapeutic like i can relate to and heal myself

Monica posted 👉🏼 it’s a good day

@29:08 you said something that resonates with me deeply. “i want to work to find ways to feel good & enjoy life, & love myself independent of where i am in life and what i can provide” i’m 18 and this mentality of only seeing oneself as valuable through their services/abilities has taken a toll on my mental health. i literally feel worthless somedays because i base my self worth on what i can do for others and my successes or lack thereof. this video helps and it is truly a wake up call. thank you!

there is no such thing as ethical porn when you know what it does to the brain

thank you for being so honest and relatable on these deep issues, I hope I can achieve your level of genuineness in my own life!!

The way you were able to just put everrrrrything that I’ve been feeling into words! So grateful for your channel and these conversations! so real, raw, authentic, constructive, and relatable. You’re doing great sweetie 🥹💚

It's spooky how much your situation mirrors how I have been feeling the last few months. I love how much very specific shit I thought only I was experiencing you're feeling too. Thanks for speaking so honestly it really means a lot ❤

I couldn't believe how perfectly you articulated what I have been feeling recently and for years. This video made me feel so much and is already helping me process how to communicate my experience to my counselor. The feeling of constantly being watched and scrutinized and the expectation that someone will "catch me"...in the grocery store, walking down the halls of my apartment building or even doing things that bring me joy: going to a park, playing an instrument, singing...the eyes on me feeling is always there and it is exhausting. And so I appreciate your words SO SO much because I now have more tools to communicate and I also know I am not alone in the pain that comes with this or the bringing back in of pleasure that will get us through it. Thank you for your videos and willingness to share.

You should make a podcast Monica cuz I love hearing you talk & your thoughts

Have you ever talked with a therapist? I’m just curious if someone has helped you come to terms with some of these topics you discuss on your channel. They are always very insightful and appreciated. Also, definitely would love more book recommendations of any kind!

Im so glad you posted this 💜 because I relate to this so much. I’ve found whenever I feel happy or calm my first thought is “oh shit are you sure you can be happy right now, what if there’s something you’re supposed to be stressed about right now and you forgot and it’s gonna mess everything up” and then I just return to feeling stressed. Basically I’m so used to being stressed that when I’m not stressed it freaks me out and then I feel more stressed. And when I try to do something nice for myself i feel guilty bc I think “what if I’m just lazy and don’t deserve it.” It’s like being unhappy/stressed has become part of who I am and I get cognitive dissonance whenever I don’t feel that way it’s insane and so hard to fix bc it’s basically an infinite loop of you get stuck on

this video felt like a conversation that i really needed to have with a close friend. it's somehow very comforting feeling like some very expecific feelings are way more of a global thing than my small bubble allows me to see. it's also great seeing someone being so racional while also clearly acknowledging their emotions while they happen. listening to you talk makes me feel like a little baby who's just now seeing the actual dimension of life. wishing you light and strenght on your journey. thank you for allowing me to make you a part of mine :)

First off I NEEDED to hear this!!! Thank you for always saying what needs to be said(:! Secondly, around 15ish min, you speak of people socialized female, but I just have to add that it might be helpful to add trans women to this narrative. When it comes to being hyper-vigilant of one self, I’d argue dolls have the absolute hardest time w/ having to watch out of how they are perceived, and specially in the eyes of men. You def probably didn’t mean it in a bad way, cause you’re just speaking from your own experience, but transmisogyny is not adding trans women to this mix, specially when estas reinas are the most marginalized group of women. Love ur work tho, n i look forward to your videos every week🫡

The way I look forward to her uploads is crazy ♥️Love u Monica

hiii, the part of the video talking about cooking with sensuality immediately made me think of those studio ghibli cooking scenes. i want life to be that beautiful + calm and this video just gave me the hope that it can be. 💌 thank u thank u thank u for your perspectives and the resources you give, this work is so important!

Girl you be having the best takes and reading my mind 😭

Monica I love this consistency! I'm also an artist from the eastern Caribbean. Feel like we have similar experiences growing up. Being a people pleaser. And I know that's affected me promoting and sharing my work as an artist. If you had the same experience can you do a video talking about it?

Ooh such a good topic💘 I look forward to watching

Thank you for speaking on this. I relate so much about practising saying no in sexual contexts. And practising choosing myself and my desires and my comfort over validation from someone else. I hope you continue to be gentle with yourself; you deserve it.

Maybe this is a weird compliment but u talk fast yet slow and at the same time you r very articulate. I relate to this video so much, even if I have nothing to say I will comment just go boost the algorithm because everyone should see these vids

i just wanna look at life and experience life like i did when i was kid

Found myself coming back here. Re listening, remembering and refeeling. Realized that yo I kinda missed listen to her/you thinking question and analysing. And sharing it. It be interesting to hear you talking now about your relationship with pleasure and being. With the erotic. How has been your sensual progress and processes

Every video of yours feels like a catharsis for me. You put so many thoughts and feelings I have so well together, the way you connect the dots is incredible. Love your holistic approach to every topic. I also really admire and appreciate how transparent and vulnerable you are. Thank you for the work you do here on your channel, you truly touch and move so many people with your videos, I’m beyond grateful! Wish you only the best, stay safe and take care!!

Was diagnosed with BPD recently so bless the perfect timing.

I asked the universe for a sign. This was it. This message touched me deeply and I now see what I need to adjust to move forward. Thank you for sharing your truth!

Been looking for a video to touch on this for quite some time, thank goodness your here monica 😌🙏

I watch all the ads for you😭 that’s how much I love this content 😂❤️

Thank you so much for posting this. I've been feeling the exact same way, to the point where I've even questioned the ~existence~ of my sexuality because I feel so disconnected from it. I thought I was alone in these feelings- especially in navigating sexuality w info re: feminism and colonial histories looming in the back of my head constantly- and it's really comforting to see that someone else is working through all of it too.

It's so important to normalize the HUMAN CONDITION. Thank you for the work you do.

WOW sometimes you are really speaking to me directly. Thank you for this ❤️ Love your videos

Your videos are so relatable, like on a different level 😭 I struggle with exactly this. Always walking on eggshells even in my own apartment, pushing enjoying myself to after I am done with a semester... but life sucks like that

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts on this. I relate so heavily it hurts. I constantly feel so uncomfortable and scared in any environment I'm in, even though I change things around me the feelings of deep discomfort and fear follow me. I'm constantly adjusting the volume of things I'm listening to, moving quietly, never saying no to what people ask me to do, worrying about what time I wake up, and so on. Its a painful way to live. I also have no libido and when you said healthy people have libidos that really struck me. I know I've had a bad relationship with sex and in the past couple years Ive barely been able to have sex with my partner and any pleasure I have with myself is met with shame and disgust. I know I want sex but I can't feel that drive and desire I wish I could feel. I know a lot of this for me is linked to childhood trauma and I gotta work through it and hope I can get better and change so I can actually enjoy things in life. Thanks for this video I wish you all the best in life, we're all on this healing and loving journey together.

I related to so much of this. Especially the disconnection from self. Thank you for sharing

PERFECT TIMING :) i love your videos so much. i always like to hear what you have to say

Monica, we have soooo much in common. I felt everything you said.

This video just speaks to me on a deep and personal level. I can relate to so much of what was said. It is so hard to change and work on yourself and to start wanting after denying yourself things for so long.

This was just what I needed. Hit rock bottom yesterday, this gives me hope

I love your channel, Sis! Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable.

This is the third video of yours I'm watching in a row and I've been thinking that wow I really relate to the way you experience the world and feel like we have similar struggles/traumas and then you said you came from Catholicism and I was like YUP THAT'S IT! I really appreciate your videos.

you and bey are birfday twins 😌💓

I’m so glad I came across this video on my explore page. I’m no longer dissociating through bad experiences but good ones too, and it’s been getting worse for years.

Oh my god this made me cry. It feels like nobody understands, you hit the nail on the head with so much. I’m so tired of being both academically scrutinized on one side and objectified on the other (really both sides lol). I also feel that people get angry at YOU for “playing into sexualization” like what. How am I alone supposed to destroy the patriarchy. Have YALL done that?? Clearly not. So much judgement. Feeling so alone at this time. Nice to see this kind of video- I relate so hard even two years after the upload.

That’s true. I have to be turned in by my own body to enjoy sex . It’s because I’m thinking how I look visually before thinking how I am feeling. If I feel more visually pleasing then I can enjoy myself more. Sad lol

Thank you so much for how good you share your vulnerability ❣

You are LitterAlly everything I look for in art, you are ART. simply how you articulate your words/ feelings is heartbreaking yet powerful……. I pray for you lovely ✨🙏🏽 don’t give up

I love that we always get the source materiel linked in the bio, that book will be looked for at my city library tomorrow ✨

You’ve been posting a lot of videos lately which I like but also make sure you give time for yourself and to relax! Idk about everyone else but I’ll totally wait in anticipation for your next video no matter how long it takes 😁

Thank you so much for this . I am at a transitional point right now and I’ve been struggling to relax because I feel like everything has to be “done” before I do anything for me . I’ve been putting off doing art for weeks because I felt like everything needs to be done … before my joy and pleasure. THANK YOU for expressing this feeling so well - I’m gon do some art right now and stop overworking myself .

25:40 I’m a guy but live/move in a very similar way. Maybe a Virgo thing? Lol but I feel like growing up in church had a lot to do with it

It’s crazy I’ve binged your videos and I’ve never related to hard to something. It’s like I’m hearing the inner voice aloud and it’s allowing me to listen. Thank you so much

i am so grateful for you sharing this!!!! your experiences and the way you’ve articulated them and the passion you hold has moved me and made me feel so seen and felt and understood. i’ve had this video in my watch later for the longest time and i think it’s because i’m in a place now to fully feel and see and accept my lived experience as a black femme! your honesty and emotion has touched and inspired me in ways i’m unsure of how to express. but i’m so so grateful for this video. thank you

Oh wow, I resonated so much with your personality, challenges and experiences, it was almost as if I saw/heard a mirror sharing back to me. 😊Thanks for sharing out loud, it's healing

What's crazy (because it's on brand psychosomatically) is how my stomache started feeling queasy at 20:00 cause at the foundations of gynecology after the rest of the context that you had set and I had to go back in my past on a quick highlight reel of most traumatic female experiences as a Nigerian woman. WHEW!! trying to catch a breath with you.

What you said at 46:25 was super important and i'm so glad you touched on it because this is another thing that women are often programmed and taught to believe in regards to sex early on. The idea of being mindful of who you sleep with quickly turns into the fear based cynical perspective that women are vessels with which men take from and/or imprint on (soul ties etc). It's always a power thing and women often end up with the short end of the stick when speaking on the "realities" of sex. Even within spiritual conversations it's more often than not spoken from a place of fear or paranoia rather than sex being an experience that is pleasing, beneficial and VITAL for both parties.

hit the nail on the head with what i’ve been trying to examine and move through in my own life

I think I remember you saying you're a virgo Venus some point? If so then all of this makes a lot of sense and SAME. I've been a walking ass clench most of my life and leaning into your senses/ sensuality is so important it's literally what makes us human. You put it into such a beautiful and relatable words. Sending love to you.

Same girl. I am always inspired by people who willing and knowingly take up space. Here’s to taking up space!

This video was everything. Thank you Monica. I needed this more than I’d be able to express. I listened to this over the span of the week so I could really take in everything you say. sending you love

Amazing how many people are saying it's relatable. Thanks for making this video! Very genuine and comforting :)

Virgo club ❤️‍🔥

I def lack joy and pleasure in my life. at this point, I don't even know how to get it

I’m so proud of you and all the rest of us for making it this far in life despite all society does to shut women and non white folks down! Let’s continue to grow into our happiest selves then peace may follow! No shame just game :)

This video was so needed. I see myself in many things you talked about. In a way, it's reassuring to know that other people (maybe more specifically women?) go through the same struggles, but at the same time it's sad to see that we do in the first place. Being in your 20s is really about acknowledging your traumas and the bullshit that enabled them when you were a child or a teenager and grow out of them.

you are so so eloquent and posses the most beautiful quality of good writing/speech: being able to fully word everything i'm currently thinking and feeling to help me understand and have peace with these things 💗 please never stop sharing your words you're so incredibly gifted

Omggg!!!!! My birthday is September 4 toooooo giirrrrrllll know I now why I connect with you so much🤗🤗🤗🤗yay #virgogang

Hi! Would you be willing to make a video on Think Before You Sleep? He’s a mgtow RU-vidr who pretty much only posts vid criticizing women. I understand if you wouldn’t since he does have such a big following who probably wouldn’t take well to any criticism

I feel like I've never been allowed to feel content. It's a struggle that I need to refind the comfort and contentedness that like... my six year old self had before years of adolescent and teenage trauma. Watching videos from people like you empower me to talk about this stuff myself. Very inspirational and thank you for the resources!

My inner child and really thinking about healing the trauma on a mind, body, spirit level helped overcome that trapped behind the glass feeling. The body was something I neglected for a long time. Even the energetic body as a part of that was really transformational

always love watching your videos, thank you for starting important conversations

I completely resonate with all of this 💗

This made me feel so much less alone. My life feels so empty compared to 2019. I don't even recognize that life. Concerts? Visiting friends? Random things like target runs for fun? My closet is so sad compared to what it was: my style has changed so I've gotten rid of old clothes, but I haven't seen any reason to buy new ones. I just don't care anymore. I had moved into my own studio in Feb 2020, started a new job & then proceeded to be isolated for months. I feel like I've changed so much over the past 2 years but I'm not out in the world at all anymore, so who cares. Thanks for this.

You speak to the most hidden parts of me and highlight "issues"/things to work through that I've felt for a long time but that I couldn't articulate and process or respond to. Thank you so much. Speaking so truthfully from the heart will help so many people

Ahhh watching this made me cry ?! It was so beautifully said I shared this with some folk cause I relate to this 10000% keep up the great content !

The timing 🤌🏼✨️

Omg I’m a Virgo too 9/2🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

this is amazing 😩💖

I don’t think I’ve been so understood before. Everything that you depict and explain hits very close to home and I feel empowered by knowing that there are others who experience similar situations but are always willing to look within. Thank you so much for this!

Love you, have you ever tried yoga? Helps me slow down, quiet down, and live in the present.

I’ve never related to someone more than you

hi, wondering which microphone do you use? it sounds so crisp.

perfect timing ive been thinking abt this topic for a hot second now💕 always looking forward to ur uploads

Minutes 17-27 are crucial.