NEGLECTFUL Narcissists: Everything you need to know (Part 2/3) 

I remember often saying, " I feel like im living with a roommate. "

“Married alone..” is how I always described it..

While other people spend their lockdown time by cooking home made bread and doing lots of workouts, I have become a narc expert! And that’s thanks to you Dr Ramani 👍 What I’ve experienced won’t happen to me again.

I had the loneliest 30 years of my life I stayed for my kids and because of trauma bonding. I’ve finally left!!! Best decision ever

I can explain my feeling in one line: "LIVING WITH A STRANGER"

The sad part is seeing that they're miserable and it had nothing to do with you. However, you feel obligated to make them feel happy though they haven't tried with you. Best thing to do is walk away.

Disregarding and ignoring you is a very clever way of eroding your self-esteem. That is what these types of narcissists are trying to do to their target. Do not stand for it! Make an escape plan and cut this person out of your life permanently! They don't care about you. Anyone who cares would not treat you this way. If someone makes you feel down on yourself that should be a big red flag to stay away from this person no matter who they are.

Life is not about the number of years together, it’s about the quality of those years. Sadly, my husband doesn’t understand that.

My heart goes out to all of us who’ve suffered such an invisible crime to the soul… you WILL get through this! It’s not easy, but it does get better when you decide to overcome the hand you’ve been dealt

I tell people there's a difference between lonely and alone. I would much rather be alone then lonely with somebody. That's the worst sort of loneliness. To be alone in a crowd.

'Yesterday upon the stair, I saw a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today. Oh how I wish he'd go away.' That's the experience of narcissistic neglect. You're living every day with something that isn't there. And you keep hoping that the 'isn't there', i.e. neglect, will 'go away'. But it won't. As they say, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Dr. Ramani is the sharpest knife in the drawer. It isn't up for debate either ❤

I think your videos should be required for all high school, trade schools, college, and military schools. This information could have saved me a lifetime of heart ache. Believe it or not this is helping me understand many of the things I have dealt with with my ex and my coworker. God bless you, you should know you are helping a lot of good people. Thank you very much.

“It is a deeply lonely relationship.” THIS!!!! OMG!!!

This describes my marriage. My husband is a passive bystander in his own life. He is lazy, helpless, and clueless.

"Later" is their favorite word...describes my husband exactly. I have tried for 25 years

“Like a relationship with a ghost who you can never reach and will never listen to you. If they do interact with you, it’s usually critical.” Exactly, Dr. Ramani, exactly.

Please go deeper into this kind of narcissist in a relationship!

I have always said “there is nothing worse than being lonely when you are not alone.” You mentioned this in the video. Also liked “time served vs time present.” Always had trouble putting my finger on the issues with my ex and neglectful narcissist fits him perfectly. Thank you.

I want a happy life without all the lies & gaslighting & projection & stalking and betrayal don't forget the stealing .

YES!! "Living with a stranger"!!!! After I left I look back and realized; I don't even KNOW this person.

My neglectful narc never got physical or in my face, but he was still subtlety mean. The only time he was interested in me was when others were around and he could brag about how much we loved each other and what a great marriage we had. When we were alone he totally ignored me and even pretended to be going deaf so if I complained about him not responding to something I said, he could simply say, "Oh sorry, I couldn't hear you", and go back to staring at his phone. I eventually figured out he wasn't going deaf when he got his ears checked. He thought he could fool the doctor, but it didn't work. They did he showed very little hearing loss, but not enough to even make it a problem. He did the same with our kids. He rarely talked to them and half the time didn't even notice them, unless there were people outside the family there to see, "what a great father he was". If those people had just known what was going on. Eventually, I started thinking there must be something wrong with me for him to not want to talk to me. I came up with all sorts of diagnoses and when I got his attention long enough to ask for his opinion he always agreed that that must be it. He was literally making me go crazy without having to tell me directly. It was a firm of suble meaness meant and galslghting meant to keep me afraid of not being able to live without him.

Like the outdoor background!

That sounds exactly like my dad. To this day, he hardly ever notices me, unless I do something wrong. There’s been times when he doesn’t respond when I speak to him, or he’ll just simply nod at me. My mom complains that he does basically the same thing to her. I never suspected he’s a narcissist, though. I always figured he was just lost in his thoughts. But, he does talk to people who come over to visit, and he’ll have full, animated discussions with his tenants. It’s just very puzzling behavior, as far as I’m concerned.

Like dying a sl-o-oow death. I ended up, after 3 years feeling like he had hijacked my soul. It was HORRIBLE!!! Dr. Ramani, thanks so much for addressing this type.

"A world fulll of breadcrumbs" was my life entirely. It is the same today because I am so badly affected by the narcissitic abuse. What I get from my exnarc's flying monkeys, my children, are breadcrumbs. I now accept life will always be like this but at least I no longer live with the gaslighting, casanova complexed exnarc. And I see how many of the women who followed me into his clutches ended up dead from cancer. Bad vibes - must stay away from them.

I have been searching years for someone to describe my experience. You do it better than I could and some of what you say is word for word things I have said. Slow death yes. More lonely than being alone yes. Thinking things would change for way too long and being angry at myself I didn’t see it sooner that it never would. You have validated me and I can finally forgive myself. Thank you Dr. Ramani

My life with screaming rage added. They teach you how to not miss them when you leave. Now happy. Find the courage and leave if you have not.

This is my girlfriend right now!! Yet no one sees this side of her because when she is around my family and others she's more talkative and acts affectionate towards me... Than when it's just us, I feel like we are both just there, theres no real connection...

"It's a painful way to grow up." Yes it is.....

Triggered by emotional abandonment by the parents. Bingo that was the case with the person who I was dealing with. It's rough, you feel so much empathy and compassion for what they have been through but ultimately that empathy and love doesn't get reflected back at you. I used to long for the early days of the relationship to return which only happened on a hoover, back when she would actually initiate affectionate gestures. There is nothing worse than feeling alone in the company of someone who you love. Wish I could sit down and have a discussion with Dr Ramani, it'd be so fascinating to dive deeper into things.

My narc is 50/50 covert and neglect...it seems to depend on his mood. I've said for 10yrs, I feel like I live with a roommate I work for that can't stand me and the kids.

Decades of being a ghost wandering around in the fog.

This reminds me of the time when I came home from a 5 week summer music camp and they didn’t ask me anything about it for nearly a year... :/

It may be more lonely to be alone while someone is around, than to actually and literally be alone. So much truth in this statement. And the reason is that even though you're neglected, they won't allow you to entertain yourself in a way you would if you were actually alone. Therefore you are there, on stand-by, waiting to be noticed and for something to happen. Which is obviously going to get boring and lonely and you name it, it's going to bring out all sorts of negative feelings and thoughts. It's like the death of a 1000 cuts. My ex husband, who I wrote about in my comment to Doc. R's yesterday's video, was a mix. He had a bullying, grandiose side to him, but neglect was the predominant dynamic.

This is so much my ex. He was engaged at family but faded into the wall when we arrived back at home. I never knew such loneliness, but he had plenty to give to other women. Very passive aggressive and proud of his stubborness. So relieved it's over! YAY Freedom! Thriving!

Literally EVERY woman I've had a relationship with... I wish I'd seen this video as a teenager, and understood my mother instead of unconsciously seeking to heal that relationship with her.

"A robot who has been assigned to take care of things in this relationship." Yep. And it doesn't matter how efficient, effective, or diligent you are in performing your assigned task. One of the comments I made in the relationship I had was that I could have been replaced with a Roomba and a new microwave.

I’m beginning to understand now why my children are so eager to please their neglectful father and constantly groveling for his withheld attention and approval no matter how hatefully he behaves. On the surface, it seems like he’s getting away with everything that he’s doing and pays no price for his misdeeds when his children continue to act as his enablers. I hope at some point they see him for who he truly is and are freed from this trauma bonding.

Pattern of neglect over years, decades, is a covert form of abuse that no one else sees. You described my 35 year marriage.

You described my ex. I too feel she doesn’t meet the classical definition of a narcissist. I used to call her a neglectful partner. It makes sense. People with a lot of contempt for humans and needs. They argue not by meaning mean but by ignoring u or being careless. Very passive aggressive. I thought she was a quiet borderline. At the end we think we are crazy because we are loud and they are apathetic. She was a successful entrepreneur so I took her workaholism as normal. Also her focus and coldness, like I can’t bother her. For a long time I thought I had to be more flexible because she was special. I was proud of being with her. No.she just didn’t think relationships have value. Sad people like this even exist.

Thank you for making these videos. Watching them is like wearing an oxygen mask delivering much needed fresh air to my body. ✌🏼

The stbxh is VERY malignant, he is every subtype on any different day! He is also VERY neglectful. It was a sad, lonely, tortuous marriage now that I'm out of the fog. I am now trying to get past the shame & anger that I stayed so long & tried so very hard to make it work. The most confusing thing was how I would watch him treat friends, other family members & COMPLETE strangers with kindness, respect & understanding then turn right around to treat me & our daughter with total hate, disgust & indifference. That wound cut me to the core repetitively and the scar is horrid. Thank you so much for the work you do, Dr. Ramini. The validation you give me everyday has saved my sanity & life.

I was merried to one for 41 years, yes I was! No need to describe how it was because all of you did it already. When I finaly found the courage to leave and divorce him, he said to me, there's no reason we can't remain friends. To which i replied, yes there is, because you are not nor were you ever my friend. Divorced 2 years without any contact. Still recovering but I couldn't be happier, building my self from the ground up. No matter how old you are you can do it! Im 60 years old and Ive never been this happy in all my adult life. Not looking for a new relachionship , just enjoying discovering myself again. My heart goes to all of you, get some help if you can and get out while you still can. To doctor Ramani, thank you for helping me on this journey. ♥️

It can be more lonely to be alone while someone is around, than to actually be alone

I was a single parent .... a single spouse .... for 38 years. He was too busy working or being busy interacting with the neighbors and others to connect with me or our daughter. It's a very lonely existence. Now I'm physically alone (he finally left last August) but so much happier and feeling LESS alone!

I was isolated and moved to a state where I didn’t know anyone. The only person I had, my narcissistic partner, couldn’t even acknowledge me. It makes you feel worthless. To not even get a response or to try to have a conversation and whatever is on their phone is more important. But bring another narcissist around and they can talk for hours of undivided attention with no regard for anyone else in the room. Just boosting each others egos. If you try to chime into the conversation they act like they didn’t hear you or talk over you when you’re talking acting as if you aren’t even there.

I think this might be my father, I plan on playing the neglectful narcissist for my mother to see what she thinks. For over half my life when someone asks me about my dad or my relationship with him I've just said "imagine an empty white sterile room and you've got it." I turn 37 on Sunday and I can't recall a single conversation we've had that wasn't surface material. As a child I can remember sitting in the living room for hours watching him play video games just to be near him. Those are actually my most prevalent memories of him and I during childhood, just sitting silently for hours and hours. After my parents divorced when I was 13 and he moved out, I'm pretty sure he never noticed the empty spot on his new couch and I simply ceased to exist.

"Mom Dad? Can you put down the video game for a while? ""Really please can I talk to you ?" "Okay Mom Dad can I have your attention? All right I'm pregnant.""all right now that I have your attention instead of the video game, I'm not really pregnant I just needed to discuss college with you."yes this really happened. They also missed my 16th birthday. It was something like the movie.

“A nuisance, an inconvenience, someTHING to be dealt with later...” yup 😟

Feeling like you are having a great time when you’re together and then as soon as they walk out the door you don’t exist...

my mom neglected me until I was mature enough to emotionally abuse haha my childhood is full of physical discomfort and neglect I was so unhappy as a kid, and becoming a teenager and getting control over my life was like waking up from a bad dream

In one of your podcasts as a cohost you stated that you go after the guy at the party that is quiet and more reserved, but what I found that when I did that he really was a neglectful narcissist ha! Thanks for all you do, Dr. Ramani! It’s bringing so much awareness around these types and how to put the pieces together!

My father used to take me out for trips to nature, to see castles, to swim, do sports etc (since my childhood till recently) but it always felt like being alone on those trips; I was made to not to talk to much, avoid talking about feelings, just smalltalk was allowed, nothing about my life, my dreams, etc. If I dared to talk more I was made to shut up by him saying something like "somebody is ooovertalking todaaayyyy..." or other phrases that really hurt but made me to shut up. :-( As a child, anytime we were up to go on a trip there was a joy and happiness that my dad wants to spend time with me, even hope that we will have fun and talk a lot, but it always ended up me being mentally exhausted, sad, damaged and feeling like a invisible or a trash which led me to overeating my emotions once back at home and step by step gaining more and more weight. Im almost 40 now and I willingly now avoid those trips. I know it is not about me there must be some other reason he used to take me out. But Im not interested in such events anymore. :-( And yes he is a person with lack of emotions, yet always shaking, being nervous, though often biting his lips and not saying what is wrong. If he gets in rage then it is blaming me for being disrespectful to him by being late by 5-10 mins, yet he is the person who is always late... He shows lot of emotions towards family members at family gatherings, to children, very much laughing, joking, talking a lot, pretending to be very much interested in his children... but at home he was rather emotionally not invested at all. If there was a problem, he sent me to talk to my mom.

Yes to this! , subtle abuse seems to be easily missed or able to be passed off as loving instruction. Making it easy to pass along, 😑

These videos have answered something I could never explain to people and I know that after 16 years, I cannot live like this anymore

I didn’t know if I was in a relationship or not most of the time. This is exactly the type my ex is. I was always the odd man out. And it was only me. It was a very lonely relationship

I always had this thought, if I could describe my dad growing up, it would be 'always watching television'. It's all he did. Work, tv, sleep. Also he was very angry and always yelling.. I always felt like I'm bothering him if I needed something, I was afraid of him and never felt like he cares. I wish I could have rebelled, but I never was allowed, I was so scared of him. Until this day I struggle with being assertive. It's been 10 years now that I live on my own, with my loving partner, and we literally have no relationship. He barely ever calls, last year maybe he didn't call at all and I have little hope it will be different this year. I also never call, he's a stranger to me at this point. I'm so happy my life is so different then it used to be, I can slowly heal and accept that I am enough. Thank you for these videos Dr. Ramani, they help a lot

I was almost confirmed that my ex convert narcissist has attention deficits, severe hearing problems and mild autism. He has no regards to human relationship except with his mother and work related people. It was a deeply lonely relationship for me. For a long time I had no idea what was it. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all these hard work in helping us.

You are so beautiful in the nature. Thank you so much for all of these insights. The last 6 months have been filled with understanding and growth.

This really hits home. Like literally. My father and my ex-spouse. Withholding narcissist is how I think of it.

This is an exact description of my ex husband. It is so erie.. I had to leave just to love myself. "World full of breadcrumbs". Precisely!

My husband’s family was like this,this lead him down the path into a full blown narcissist.He finally died from all this abuse.

Just when I thought I knew all there is to know about narcissism, I get caught up with a neglectful narcissist. I've been saying he's a narcissist, but it was also hard to explain why he was. Thank you for this! I wanted literally wanted to cry watching this video. It just feels good to know I'm not the only person going through this, because this has been harder in me than regular narcissistic abuse.

This perfectly describes someone in my life!! I thought he was a covert but this description is him to a tee! He was raised by a similar kind of narcissist, with a grandiose tendency too.

Nice background Ramani,happy to see you outdoors. I repeat again,the survivors of narcs' please find happiness,forgive yourself, gain everything that you lost, piss them off.Let them wonder how did that happen!

Lack of empathy✔️ unreachable disposition✔️ feeling lonely✔️ breadcrumbing✔️ finding myself rebelling✔️ cold and cutting communication✔️ feeling invisible ✔️

I was raised as the only child by a single NPD mother, who lived her life like I didn't exist. I would be left home alone with no food for days, she put her many men before me. Real talk: I always felt more like an orphan because my mother was never there for me, except to make herself look like a good parent. P.S. I also got yelled at a lot and I was an excellent student but I gave up because even my A's weren't good enough, they should have been A plus. My father? She told him I wasn't his so she wouldn't have to be bothered with him.

Dr.Ramani you are magnificent 🖤

Your definitions are incredibly helpful -- helps me see the "stew" of types of the one I was involved with. Very much Covert, in that he LOVED to tell that ol' victim story. Definitely Malignant, in terms of vindictiveness and inherent nastiness (especially once I left), but also incredibly Neglectful. I was always baffled by the fact that he simply wasn't interested in operating as a relationship. You know, doing chores together, hanging out after dinner, etc. Nope.

Thank you so much. My first husband was an alcoholic and very controlling. There were many times that I was up all night because I was being yelled at. It was very difficult being constantly monitored and watched. I finally left and remarried. Your description of the neglectful narcissist describes my 2nd husband to a T. Based on my experience, I would say that my 2nd marriage was the most painful thing that I have ever gone through. There is nothing worse than being treated like a non-person. Controlling and abuse are not pretty, but at least I felt like a person. In my 2nd marriage, I might as well have been dead. It ate at my soul in a way that physical abuse never did.

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Three years later these videos are still helping people with concise, non-condemning information. You’ve basically created an archive for people at this point. So appreciate it!

I gained weight. My high was 335lbs. I was literally the “elephant in the living room”. But no one ever talked to me or offered to help me escape.

Lived with a combo of Covert and Neglectful. Silent treatment and gaslighting were prevalent and almost total disinterest in my world. I always said it was like living alone together. Worst times...I'm talking to her and she just turns and walks out - me in mid-sentence...so many times. And I was last on the list...if on it at all.

This is very reassuring. I thought I was crazy. He would gaslight me when I tried to talk about the neglect. Make me feel needy and crazy. I am so happy I figured this out. Thank for this knowledge I am beyond grateful. Sad, but I know this is a real thing now and I’m not crazy. Very lonely, I am so relieved w this information

WOW. You really know my X. A malignant narcissist with grandiose and neglectful tendencies. Cost me $100K to get divorced. Worth every penny!!

Ugh... I think you just described my mother and my ex. Didn’t even know this was a narcissistic thing.

I'm absolutely speechless. I finally feel seen and heard Dr Ramani. I don't know what to say. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I kept calling it passive narcissism for the last decade in my marriage. People have thought I was the narcissist because I was so upset and angry from the emotional neglect (not realizing it wasn't my job to carry us both). I'm good now, but I wish I would've seen this years ago.

“And yet somehow I feel lonelier now than I ever have when actually alone…” The last sentence I wrote in my journal yesterday.

Yes! I told him I would get more feedback out of a brick wall and I was in a relationship with a ghost

Is there a covert neglectful narcissist? I think I’ve got one and he’s killing me!!

Sorry LOADS of questions!!!! How intentional is the neglect???? Because it has been SO hurtful. The idea that someone is aware of torturing someone with lack of empathy is horrific. I always wondered if it was some kind of autism. But that lacks intention.

My unemployed father used to not pick up me and my sisters from elementary school. He was supposed to be the caretaker, my mom was the breadwinner. It was such a normal thing for me to not get picked up on time where it surprised me when he was there on time. My sisters sometimes walked hours to get home. The school used to shut its gates and I’d be waiting outside by myself until night time. (This happened in the Philippines by the way)

It's actually scary how accurate this is as far as the backstory. My narc's (who came from a broken family) mother was extremely emotionally neglectful and his father (who I also believe is a narc) was obsessed with instilling a "work ethic" in his son. Well, he succeeded. And as much as I'm sure my narc would argue that his upbringing made him the "good provider" he is, I and our children have certainly paid the price. My narc absolutely gains his validation from his work ethic. Of course when I attempt to get any sort of emotional connection with him for myself or our children, then I'm "ungrateful" and a "nag". It's exhausting.

I was attracted to anxious narcissists with a lot of emotion and showiness after a childhood of this because I was so starved of any show of emotion. Starved for literally anything 😭

I suffered from this with my mother and with my husband. One of my daughters is suffering from this because of her father. What a mess.

This was my father. My mother would complain when I was a girl, that she had 3 children (one of them was my father).

You are describing my mother. I always wondered why she didn't seem to like me as she treated my younger brother and sister so much better. In fact, if we wanted to do something, I had my siblings ask her as she would say no to me, then say yes to them 10 minutes later

THIS. THIS IS THE ONE! I’ve been watching a ton of these videos, and also ones on childhood emotional neglect, and that was always much closer to the situation than outright narcissism. But there were still narcissistic traits present. But this is IT. Thank you!! The overall emotional tone of my relationship with my parents has always ranged roughly from ‘good employee’ to ‘employee we would fire if we could’ 😕

They do cross boundaries - by leaving boundaries they are supposed to be inside of (for an actual social relationship to occur). It's like staring into the abyss, hoping the abyss will stare back.

“They do far away, you don’t know where they are”. DEEP ❕

It's nice to see you outside. The greenery and the birds chirping in the background are really soothing.

It’s the first time I’ve heard of this type of narcissism, which is exactly what I’ve been through, although my husband is also malignant. I am hoping that my parenting; giving my children love and empathy, as well as lots of time, will counteract their dad’s behaviour. Now that he has left he sees them very occasionally and contacts them from time to time, but maintains that he is “a good dad”.

THIS SETTING IS EVERYTHING

My mother used to always go to her bedroom when she was home and lock the door. She wanted nothing to do with us. When she did come out it was just because we were getting on her nerves or being too loud or something, or if she had to be around us for whatever reason. All she did was tell us we were stupid and she never should have had kids or put us down in some other way or beat the crap out of us and scream at us. I remember feeling stupid, ugly, annoying, dirty, and like I was an embarrassment to her and she hated me all the time. I couldn't do anything to make her happy. I used to write letters to her pretty much every single day telling her that I was sorry for whatever I had done and that I loved her and I would try to be better and I don't think she ever even read any of it. I hated getting sick because I was scared to death to tell her because I knew it was going to make her mad. I'm the middle child of 3. My older sister was, and still is, a psychotic lying piece of shit who would beat the shit out of anyone who pissed her off. And you never knew what was going to piss her off. I've seen her so mad she was foaming at the mouth. It looked like she had just brushed her teeth and had toothpaste running out the sides of her mouth. She even beat the crap out of my mom a few times. And then after she would throw her fits she would call up everyone else in the family and tell them a bunch of lies to make herself look like the victim. She has everyone in my family hating me because of lies that she told about me. She also tells everybody I'm jealous of her all the time, which is ridiculous. Because in order for me to be jealous of her I would first have to find something about her that I admired. And there is nothing. When I was in the eighth grade my mother sent me to live with my grandmother and then the next year my other grandparents and then I went back to my grandmother and my dad's and then my senior year I lived with my dad's sister. But I've never felt like I was home anywhere or like anybody wanted me around. I ended up marrying a man when my daughter was in high school and he shot himself the day before my 37th birthday. A few years later I ended up in a relationship with someone you constantly lied to me and cheated on me and ignored me and treated me like trash and lied about me and everything else. I guess I felt like I didn't never deserve any better than that. I don't have health insurance and I'm struggling just to keep a roof over my head. There's no way I can afford to get the kind of help I need to heal and start over. I'm 47 years old now. And I've just given up. I just keep to myself. I don't talk to anybody except for what I have to do at work. I don't socialize. I barely even talk to my daughter because I feel like I'm not good enough for her either. But looking back now and remembering all the neglect and all the times I was begging for somebody to just love me or treat me like they wanted me around, I don't know how I survived that kind of damage. I can't imagine anything that hurts worse than being treated like that.

The bird singing in the background makes me smile. ☺

What is the difference between an emotional immature person and a neglectful narcissist? Excellent video!!!!!!!!

Really loving this series Dr. Ramani. I'm learning a lot.

You’ve described my dad to a T. It’s weird to think there are other people out there like him. He’s always felt like such an odd duck. Thank you for making this series. Hearing someone describe him makes my childhood feel real? I’m in the process of letting go of my parents emotionally and I’m finding him more difficult than my other parent since he was the “good parent”.

Interestingly enough, I have had many of these relationships with these kind of men through out my life. When I really give it thought you could place 5/6 of my ex’s on this spectrum. But I don’t really know why I choose them. I guess the inner child in me was told that was all the attention and effort I am worth. The worst part is feeling like you need to do something more to get them to love you, notice you, make effort with you. And everything you put in, the hopes and dreams seem to just float right past them and disintegrate in thin air. Like a bubble floating in the air and descending to the ground, only to pop and disappear with out a trace. You feel like you shouldn’t expect so much from someone, you feel guilty for feeling the need for more attention. To avoid the stinging pain of constant rejection, you make up things in your head to try and justify their behavior. After years of being ignored and years of me confronting the issues, I give up. After 5 years I walk away, and he doesn’t follow. But I don’t know why that’s even a surprise. Because he never followed me anywhere he didn’t want to go. I don’t think he could look at me long enough to even do that.