NEGLECTFUL Narcissists: Everything you need to know (Part 1/3) 

So painful and confusing when you spend 5 hours in a car with a partner and they don’t say a word. You arrive at your destination and they chat with the valet for half an hour while you wait in the lobby. And if you mention it, it’s a narcissistic injury for them!

The worst irony is when the neglectful narcissist, who treats you as if you’re invisible and gives nothing at all tells you that “you are asking too much” or “you are too demanding”. They want you to exist without breathing. Like a decoration on the wall.

This, this is the video that change my life. I always knew there was something wrong with how I was treated. But there wasn't any overt abuse. Yet I always felt gaslighted, disregarded and found myself crying in the bathroom alone because if I were to cry in front of him, he would roll his eyes and just start playing on his phone. I was miserable but I didn't know why. I mean he was a good provider, funny and people liked him, so I should be happy right? But I was dead inside.

“You start to feel like a ghost in your own home” that is spot on. Thank you for the validation

Well there it is. You've just explained what I've been trying to figure out for over 30 years.

This was my husband. But in the beginning he was very attentive. I was the love of his life. His one. The person he had been searching for his whole life. He would buy me sweet gifts. I was his princess. Of course there were many red flags. He would take off for no reason. Get upset at me for no reason. He didn’t trust me. But he always figured out a way to get me to come back. And then after we married, everything changed. He started sleeping on the couch. He never touched me. Stopped telling me I was beautiful. Gave me the silent treatment for months at a time. Ignored my children. I filed for divorce 3 months ago. He moved out. Some days it feels like I’m dying because all my brain wants to remember are the good times. So I have to keep reminding myself that it was mostly bad. Very very bad.

Five minutes in and I’m crying. After 22 years together he’s gone and thinks I have an unrealistic expectation of what a relationship is but I’ve been starved for affection, support, attention, affirmation, validation. I’ve spent my entire young adulthood (now early forties) staring into the void and feeling invisible and irritating and without value

Sometimes I wonder how many of us knew the same narcissist😂

If i pick up on any signs from any type of narcissist........I'm out!✌I don't have another run in me 😑

It seems like they want you to clamor for their attention, but if you do, they will be dismissive and disrespect you....It feels passive aggressive to me.

You get close to them - and then you are installed like an appliance. They only notice if they think the appliance isn't operating when needed.

This is the type of covert abuse that is hard to prove. The abuser knows it too! Be vigilant! Plan to leave and never look back.

Thank you for this video. I spent 23 years with a man like this. No love, intimacy, conversation, hand holding was never...in fact if we did go somewhere he didn't sit with me. Such a sad lonely life. Having been raised by both narc parents....I thought this was just life. Still alone but not alone with someone. I have hope.

I guess some narcissists are too lazy to discard you fair and square (they might also be worried about how that makes them look, or the money they might lose in the process), so if you're willing to serve them while being completely ignored, they get the best of both worlds. Makes me think of how some work places push employees to resign instead of firing them...

Isn't there a saying like "dont ask why a clown is behaving like a Clown, ask yourself why you're still going to the Circus?" We should start questioning ouselves what it is that makes us stick with the unhealthy relationships and then go on and heal that part in ourselves ! Much Love to everyone who is dealing with this! 💗

I watched this video some time ago, and I may have made a comment. I can't remember. But it's popped up on my Recommended list, so I watched it again. It SO mirrors my 33-long marriage. No abuse. No paranoid projection. No gaslighting. No triangluating. No affairs (that I know of). No flying monkeys. No discards and hoovering. Just the relentless 'not being there'. I'm ashamed to say it, but abuse gives you something to fight against. A partner who is just 'not there' gives you nothing to fight against. The neglectful narcissist creates an empty void that leaves you floundering for something to hold on to. Our divorce was amicable. Of course, why wouldn't it be? He broke no rules for me to call him all kinds of names under the sun. He was generous with the divorce settlement. Why wouldn't he be? He was happy to be rid of me and his sons. He had worlds to conquer without us. There is a saying: 'The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.'

Always on his cell phone, When I do talk to him he’s never say anything.. Omg you are so right..

Avoidant attachment style seems to line up with this type of narcissism.

This hit home. I cried. This woman is doing god's work. While I was crying he walked through the room & didn't say a word. I can no longer ignore the damage this is doing to me. I'm stuck. But I start today making a plan to free myself from this hell. I've watched 100 videos on this subject but I can no longer deny I'm in a sham of a relationship & it's never going to change. God help me.

"Aha, this is my story." I still don't understand how I could let it happen for so long. The cognitive dissonance I'm a witness to, but have been unable to change. My neglect to myself is almost as equal to the ridiculous neglect from him over the years. I've been obsessively watching these videos. But today the fog became clearer with this video. Thank you so much for being here for us.

This form of narcissism is so rarely discussed! Thank you! I would love more content on this form.

I suspect that people in narcissistic family situations experience the narcissism differently depending on their role - the golden child deals with a grandiose narcissist, the scapegoat has a vulnerable narcissist, and the invisible child has a neglectful narcissist, even though all three narcissists are the same person. I know that my parents triangulated my brother, me, and one another differently at different times, so my role kept changing and so did my perception of their behavior.

" You start to feel like a ghost in your own home." wow. so rude. so pathetic. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for broadening my perspective so I don't have to absorb all that negativity. It is so helpful.

You have just described my entire life with my mother. She was so neglectful, I often thought of ending my own life just so she could notice me. I wanted her to cry for me and regret how she treated me. I was in my early teens when I realized she would be happier without me. I was in my forties when I found out (through a friend) that my mother was a narcissist. I'm still in the process of healing and will probably be for the rest of my life. Dr. Ramani, I couldn't thank you enough for all you do and for helping me in my process to heal❤

I was dubbed "needy" by my ex for asking him to spend time with me. Before I met and married him, I never lacked for male attention. Even growing up, both my mother and father were attentive and caring parents to me and my four siblings. It took me into my 60's to finally realize that he was leading a triple life, and that I was part of neither of the three of those lives, and that I would continue to be a convenience in his life. I filed for divorce (which he actually dared me to do), and I had never felt so free in my life. It was like being released from bondage!

This is my mom. She did not want me to exist and anytime i showed any emotion she would shut me up. She was extremely damaging.

The narcissistic abuse community is so lucky to have you. You are amazing. This is absolutely you’r calling. I’m so grateful for you and your videos.

It took me 50+ years to figure this out. THANK YOU for including it. My Covert Narcissist Mother was much easier to solve (still taking over 50 years) but my Neglectful Narcissist Father NEVER had ONE single meaningful conversation with me my entire life - even up to his deathbed confession - that he had NO regrets. Never said one word even while dying at home and in hospice over the course of 8 weeks. Refused to even talk to his own 100 year old mother on the phone even though she doted on him his whole life. Growing up he worked as an outside Salesman and was gone 5 days a week every week and when he was off he played golf and cards with his buddies or traveled the world multiple times. He made great money but was a mean miser with me, my mom, brother and sister. If he could save $1.00 at a restaurant by getting my 12 year old self to pretend I was 7 then he was happy. If I needed $5.00 for school supplies then it came with a lecture about how I should be looking for a job. I'm just now unraveling how damaging these 2 seriously dysfunctional parents were to my life. Thank you again! 💜🙏

I was wondering exactly why i felt so emotionally starved in my relationship. I kept referring to it as “neglect.” Here it is! Thank you for another insightful video.

" if you are in any type of relationship with them"....there is NO relationship, i.e., relating. It's an arrangement not a marriage. And, yes, my spouse actively ignored only me.

I grew up with a parent who was mad neglectful and doesn’t know how to accept they did anything wrong even when I let them know what traumatized me. It was so apparent that I picked up narcissistic fleas from this parent and I’m terrified to think I was becoming this parent until starting therapy. It pains me to know my behaviors hurt my partners before knowing this about myself, I can only hope to do better and continue self-reflecting and healing to create secure and healthy relationships. ✨ Love & light.

Dr. Ramani, I am just now watching this video from one year ago. You literally just described my soon-to-be ex-husband and my marriage for three and a half years. He was definitely the neglectful narcissist. Looking at it from eyes wide open, the only way I would describe it is that he simply lost interest. He would become obsessed with certain things, like buying a new car, a new house, and at one point obsessed with me. But then he would soon tire of it once he got it and would move on to the next thing. Oftentimes, I would come home from work and as you described, was like a ghost in my own home. I would eat my meals by myself, go to family gatherings without him, spend holidays without him and slept in a separate room. He had absolutely no interest in me. Discarded me is about the best way to describe it. Once I decide to leave, then he became interested in me again. So glad I am finally getting out of this very toxic relationship!

Someone who can't see your worth enough to treat you with attention and love will not take a second thought while cheating you. We should all stop looking for love and attention in someone who isn't willing to give it us. İt won't bring us anything being with these people as the main reason they treat us like that is because they are very chaotic inside and don't like themselves. How are they supposed to love someone else? Please leave. İt's never worth to self abandon yourself for a narcissist who doesn't care about you!

The narcissist in my life loved the image, the fake reality she created or portrayed but never the hard work or responsibility that went along with it. For example , she insisted on wanting a relationship but as soon as she got it, neglected and abused it. She wanted a family, but neglected her children. She wanted a home , but walked away from being responsible for taking care of it. Heck she even wanted a family dog but didnt want to take care of one. Narcissist always rely upon others to do the hard work and be responsible. And will lie , manipulate, play games to get what they want in order to support their fake psychosis reality. And anything or anyone that challenges their fake world will either be neglected or discarded . They want to portray to the world as if they are normal and made achievements but in reality it’s a false illusion. That’s why relationships crumble and are so filled with drama and turmoil. And if that wasn’t bad enough, they have money problems or keep losing jobs because they never invest nor remain committed to seeing things through by giving 100%.

This is my husband. Definitely intimacy avoidance. No closeness, no care. And he literally cares little about my well-being. Lack of empathy. He will bait and get in your face. It’s been an absolutely awful 26 years of marriage. I think my husband is schizoid. He has no social life at all. Doesn’t have one friend and has a problem with anyone he works with.

I KNEW it. Ugh. So validating to hear that this is a thing and I’m not losing my mind. Really appreciate you doing these.

Oooof. I was always conflicted because the other descriptions of narcissists never matched completely. No overt devaluing, nothing malignant, etc. This one finally hit so close to home. Looking forward to tomorrow and the day after.

The one person that gave a thumbs-down is one of these narcissist probably

This is the one!!! I’ve been watching all of the different types and thinking that my ex had some of the traits of each but this is the one he is most like!!! I felt like I was slowly disappearing. At first he was attentive, charming and jealous, watched my every move. By the end he couldn’t have cared less about anything I said or did. He stopped all physical contact as well. But when I asked him why or what was wrong, he’d say nothing was wrong, that everything was fine and that he loved me. He had totally shut down but blamed me for wanting a divorce. Totally acted like a victim. I was so starved for attention and affection. I felt like I was slowly dying. It was horrible. It was like he was punishing me. He said he would never be the one to initiate a divorce. I think because like you said, being married made him look good and if he divorced me it would somehow make him the bad guy. So he made it unbearable for me so I’d leave. Which I finally did after 23 years. Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping sort through all of this. ❤️

That was my dad. His focus was always on work, and Church. His wife and children only seemed to annoy him if they were in the same room.

Wow. I lived with my narc ex for 2.5 years. When we moved to a condo, I paid for the rent and every bill myself. Then I bought a house, same deal. He was sour every day. I was good to him. We weren’t having sex, he was sleeping downstairs on the couch (due to his work schedule pfff riiiight). It was like living with an angry gay man.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. This is it!!!!!!!! Thank you thank you for saying this was a narcissistic subcategory. It's as if I am invisible.

You/We may have died on the vine of the relationship, BUT we still have our roots of our SOUL - this channel helps so much, time to water our roots and regrow our vines to flower once again in life 💛

All my relationships with men have been with neglectful narcissists. It was the parenting style of my mother and father. But, I never knew what to call it until I watched this video. Thank you for opening up my mind and validating my existence.

Yes this is MY story for sure. The only thing the Narcissist I was married to was not...was violent. But he fit the description everything else...covert, malignant, neglect, silent treatment everything. Liar, cheater, taker, etc...in the end what was really funny to me was his “soap opera” tears constantly trying to play the part of THE VICTIM, like he was the one getting hurt. I look back and just wonder why and how the heck I stayed. So happy to be free! 😊

He treats no one else like this....I call it the "dirty little secret"...I'm beginning to think he exhibits traits of alexithymia........everyone else thinks he s such a great guy and I should never be upset with him......they do not see the word salad, insanely irrational gaslighting,lies,stonewalling,silent treatment.....emotionally avoidant and negligent...... etc etc. Has taken me years to figure this out, with the help of Dr.Ramani (and others)....Life changing, and haven t been able to get out yet, but I will!

Oh me, oh my. This is SPOT ON. I am having to take time to reconstruct my personality, and my confidence. He made me feel like everything in my life was insignificant. The real issue is that I allowed him to do it. I felt bullied for so long 😔😔

This is my husband of 14 years that I just stumbled across his double life. I’ve been so lonely for so long. Finally something that explains it

You end up creating your own world outside of the neglect. It's incredibly lonely.👻turns you into someone you start to hate. Oh, 11:28 yes I liked his work ethic. It impressed me. Well, damn. 17 yrs gone.

You don’t madder I have been ignored to the point of depression and tears .They like to hurt you it gives them pleasure. Yes mine makes money but just himself!!

My mom is just that. She has trouble emphasizing with people, she always failed to connect at an emotional level, she just wants to do her job constantly and show appreciation by eating her food.

This one brings tears to my eyes. It’s my life. I’m almost out, but it’s been a very long haul. A looong lonely haul. I wasn’t even allowed to have a name. “ Hey, can you help me out here?” My name is Hey. This video earns five ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️!!!

It's like the golden child, invisible child, and scapegoat dynamic. Invisible children experience this neglectful dynamic. And neglect is abuse. Golden child gets the idealization, invisible gets devaluation, and scapegoat gets discard. It's how they treat everyone- not just children

My ex used to say that I was an interesting person. And I would say then why hasn't 'interesting' lead to you being 'interested'. He'd just give me that narcissistic blank stare. The blank stare, it's the chief weapon of the neglectful narcissist. The withholding of attention is how they control you. They take a tendency toward co-dependency and fan the flame until it's a full-blown neurosis.

Oh my God! Nailed it! Especially when you said OCD in the way of rigidity with work, finances to the point of being miserly. Had tried to fit him into the category of covert, but I think this nailed it! 😩😩😩

It was a cross between being ignored, being criticized, being made fun, or rage. Being ignored was actually my favorite.

I know my mother was a narcissist, but she never 100% fit in any category until I saw this. If I attempted to break through her neglect to get attention, all hell would break loose or she'd guilt me into the ground. Because of her, I've had to work really hard in therapy to realize I am worthy of people's time and worthy of taking up space in the world. I had social anxiety to the point of practically being mute until my late 30's.

Neglectful narcissists May be “ashamed” of their partner during their devalue phase of the relationship (-having “discovered” that their partner isn’t perfect).

I knew from the title that this was going to describe my husband. And wow, did it ever. I almost lost it when you mentioned the other person feeling like a ghost in their own home. I have said these exact words so many times. Thank you for shedding some light and making me feel less crazy. It really helps and gives me strength to know what exactly I am dealing with...

I’m always waiting for him to be the man and come and hug me and say “ everything is going to be alright, I love you”

I am working on myself....but to find a truly healthy person is a rare thing indeed. I love support groups because it's a bunch of people with similar issues seeking relief.... and GETTING REAL.

My ex seemed to swing between most of the types of narcissist. However there was always an under current of bad temper and mean spirited BS

I began to suspect a few time ago that my husband was a narcissist, but some parts were not matching at all. Now all makes sense. I am married since last 30 years. All signs were there, but I was ignorant. Thank you so much. I don´t get hurt particularly since past 5 years, when I started to be emotional de-attached from him also. I would still marry him, because I have the most 2 perfect sons a woman can wish. I am too wounded and insecure about myself to seek another life. There is some kind of weird freedom when we start to not expect nothing at all from our life partner. We can not suffer anymore.

Fascinating. For most of my marriage, I was certain that my ex-husband had AHDH. After separating, my new therapist identified him as a narcissist. I had no idea there could be such an overlap of behaviours between these two mental health issues.

6:19 “Perhaps in the beginning there may have been a little bit more interest and engagement… “ Then it looks like a person slowly disappearing... PAY ATTENTION TO THIS👇🏽👇🏽👏🏽❗️❗️⬇️⬇️ 6:37 “...and a real vulnerability here, is that people who may not believe that they deserve more attention or more of a person’s regard, can actually rather easily fall in with neglectful narcissists…” I love Dr. Ramani, and all her insight and info on all types of narcissists. But maybe more important than understanding the narcissist, we owe to ourselves to understand why we might be predisposed to the self punishment of getting tangled with or submitting to one.

He’s very miserable, Never happy every holiday he ruins everything...

Married over 21 years and finally understanding my husband is a neglectful narcissist. He hates having any type of communication with me or our children, but he loves to socialize with others! He goes out every single night after work and on his days off! We don’t speak more than 10 words a day. Heartbroken, but Desperate to get away- he’ll never change- he’ll never care-

I knew my ex husband was a narc but now I know what kind he was!!! Thank you a million times for explaining this to us, its so validating.

It's very unsettling whenever my fiancee will acknowledge everyone in the room except for me,I feel like a ghost to her and it really plays with my mind and emotions.

Ahh, the "but they are just doing this to support the family," especially when they are financially successful, is a great way we justify and minimize the impact of our soul's loneliness with this type of narcissism! 👍👏💕

Thank you 🙏 for this video and everyone for your comments. After 30 years, this is the missing piece of the puzzle. I didn’t know anyone else knew what I was going through, and now I have words and validation for my own personal hell. 😞

This is amazing. My narc parents, perfectly described. Their focus was on their professions and each other. I was only paid attention to when I made them proud in art. My art talent pushed me into the limelight a lot as a child. They liked that. Otherwise they couldn't care less about me. If I looked good, they praised it but as I got older, mom got competitive and jealous. Either way, I was last in importance. So I performed for attention but otherwise tried to be as invisible as possible.

Oh My God!!! I'd never heard of the neglectful narcissist!!! Right on! OMG OMG OMG

The narc survivors, let us all be proud of what we have undergone, that shows our resilience, strength and power of letting go.Who are we not to trust in God? We all will have abundance of love and happiness,just that narc wasn't right for us.

my ex-narc didn't visit me while I was 4 months pregnant in the hospital or attend my brother, father, and my mother's memorial services. The list goes on. Completely, neglectful. A horrible human being.

This was my ex husband 100%! I felt invisible to him and his hobbies and high power job. We'd rarely have days off together because of his job. I'll never forget early in our marriage, waking up on one of the few Saturday mornings we had together and realizing he had left the house. He had decided to spend most of the day doing sprints outdoors not bothering to tell me prior, contact me during, or make any other plans (that would include me) for the rest of the day. This of course was not the most hurtful thing he did (he had terrible rage) but it certainly was one of the most neglectful.

36 years of this....I died on the vine for sure!!!

Doctor Ramani, this is my story and I really needed it to be legitimatized, at least so I would understand why I almost died of emotional neglect like a lab monkey that isn't allowed to be touched, to see what happens to it. It died.

I see you met my mom. She would bring me a ‘gift’: a picture of herself... and not having ANY pictures of me around her house 😂😂 Or only calls me for money and to complain that life is unfair to her. But it if she’s in love, than my sister and I won’t hear from her for weeks 🤦🏽‍♀️ until she end up in a horrible fight with new boyfriend. Or keep talking one-sided because she doesn’t tolerate interruptions or interactions but when I start telling her about my daily life or events she will start checking her nails or look right through me. The only form of conversation she knows and LOVES to interact is if we are shouting at each other or when I am getting upset.

I think this is also learned behaviour from other people ignoring them in childhood

While out shopping, mine would go home and "forget" me at the store. Then laughingly shrug it off.

Setting up and enforcing boundaries is a cue for them to be neglectful and destructive.

This! This is my husband. He didn't give a crap about me or my needs, and he only looked out for himself. Then he would whine and accuse me of not loving him -- while he was busy neglecting me! It was *mindboggling* that he could say something so fabulously fucking stupid when all I did was tend to his every whim, yet he couldn't lift a finger to help me with anything or ask me how my day was at supper. I'm so happy to have a term for what I could refer to him as. He wasn't as much in-your-face or grandiose, but he was definitely mid-range and bears nearly all the hallmarks of a neglectful narcissist. Thanks, Dr Ramani! I feel like I've made a breakthrough.

“I am NOT interested in what I’m NOT interested in and YOU are not going to change that!!!” I was talking about his family. Wife and kids.

This is my dad to a T. He almost never came to school/sporting events, because he just wasn't interested. Hell he even missed my high school graduation. Whenever someone starts sharing things that are going on in their own lives he leaves the room, because he just isn't interested. After I moved away from home he called maybe once or twice a year to see how my family was doing, because he just wasn't interested

This was my story. It has put things in perspective for me. My ex was a neglectful narcissist and I became codependent in order to get some validation from anyone. Thank you and keep up the good work.

YES! This is my mother and older sister! I'm like the last person on their list but they like to have me around just not listen or try to get to know me. I'm like a pet to my whole family of origin that want's the mirror image of showing affection to me, racing hope for validation but then just shut's down, walk away or change plans. I feel crazy for feeling this way and trying to tell anyone but a special therapist that understand about this type of dynamic. I'm so hurt, confused and ashamed of feeling the way I do, I did before understanding this type of Narcissist. It's sort of strange that neglect, invalidation can cause to much hurt, as much as agressive abuse does but something we all probably are learning from this pandemic. We are hardwired for connection, being validated. When that doesn't happen or it constantly shuts down, like a bad It or phone connection we feel disturbed, agitated, frustrated, stressed, anxious! H eureka I think I found the core to allot of my health issues, at last! Thank's so much for making these videos!

That’s so accurate I’ve been puzzling about which category my ex fell into in the narcissism spectrum and neglectful narcissist just sums him up. I had the misfortune to be introduced to him by one of his flying monkeys who was a friend of mine. She had then no recognition of his narcissism and still will now not accept this diagnosis from me. She had been a friend of him and his wife who had died a year before she introduced him to me. I suffered from his perfect mask, the grieving widower, which he paraded at every single opportunity. A constant portrayal of a sad victim. Sadly for me her death turned her into a saint. I longed to be able to talk to her about him but obviously I couldn’t. I only put the jigsaw together from snippets people told me. She loved to spend his money and by some accounts was not that nice a person. I suspect she kept him down as much as he would have kept her down. Since her death his house had become a complete shrine to her, copies of her funeral service still on his piano. As his new girlfriend I was sympathetic at first but soon I had to suffer the indignity of being surrounded by images of her when I spent time at his house. Having a shower and having to look at a giant print of her face. Having sex in his bed surrounded by her scarves and jewellery. All through the relationship I felt under appreciated and ignored, apart from the strong physical connection. I would say something and he would repeat it word for word back to me. I would say ‘I just said that’ and he would reply that he was agreeing with me. But he wasn’t, he was making sure that he was in control. The epitome of his lack of regard for me was the morning of my 60th birthday when I awoke to the sound of him scratching a birthday card together with paper and crayons he found on the desk. The card is a classic piece of gaslighting, referencing both my great age and his idea that I was deaf. I’m not deaf; he mumbled. Clearly I didn’t even merit being spoken audibly to. On my 60th birthday evening he took me to dinner to a restaurant he had been to with his late wife and his children. I helped him with his amateur dramatics and he poured all his time and energy into that, my contribution I see now was to make him look good. I received scant support praise and appreciation for my huge efforts. When we finally split up I told him I felt like an actress in his play. I’m glad I said that. It was true and I didn’t even know at that point about narcissism and what I was dealing with. Only after the relationship ended did I discover the truth about narcissism which has been a life saver for me. I felt let off the hook, not responsible for the failure. I did everything I could to keep it going. I see the pattern of narcissism in my absent father and understood finally my own trauma at having it resurrected subsequently in this. My ex’s own sad neglected upbringing was exactly as Dr Ramani describes and his being packed off to boarding school at aged nine only cemented his burgeoning narcissistic personality. Playing the fool for attention. Doing very little work. When I met him he hadn’t read a novel for 40 years, despite being a journalist by profession. He had no interest in culture of any sort, save the theatrical parts he played. We would holiday in Greece together ostensibly so that he could lie on a beach and have me help him learn his lines. He took his new feed there a year after they got together, after taking her to the same shows he and I went to. I put this down to his inherent laziness rather than any spite but it hurt like hell. Gradually when I was with him I felt my energy, enthusiasm and even my life blood draining away. He began his new relationship while we were still together, a brand new feed from his choir mistress who is 24 years his junior. Interestingly the same age gap as Trump and Johnson (two poster boys of narcissism) have with their partners. She is a damaged soul with a history of alcohol and drug dependency and a (short as it is) lifetime of anti depressants. I suspect she is an introverted narcissist. I should imagine it’s a fairly arid and shallow relationship with both of them vying for feeding and him ignoring her. Good luck to them but it’s taken me 2 ½ years of recovery to reach this stage. The memory of him chills me and even though he would tell me he has ‘fond memories’ - ones he seems eager to overwrite with her - I cannot say I have one fond memory of him. Infused as they all are with my memory of how I felt at the time - bewildered, belittled and so lonely. He was utterly uninterested in my interests and there was not one day when I didn’t feel sad at the thought that I couldn’t share anything with him. His young feed must bring him the energy that he sapped from me. Deeds not words. Pay attention to their deeds. They give themselves away.

Spot on... This person is neglectful beyond just being absentminded or forgetful.

A person can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. If you offer intimacy with ppl who betray, neglect, and abuse you, why share the empathic graceful side of self with the world of animals who can't behave?

42 years married and on top of the covert narcissist traits with, I lived through the last 7 years definitely with the neglect. At first I had it made cause as he ignored I didn’t have any communication with him. That was a plus for me for whenever he spoke to me it was always in a degrading way. But I eventually started thinking he hates me so much he wanted me dead. I literally felt dead. I am 59 and knew my last part of life has to be better than what I was enduring all those years. I finally left and filed for divorce. I am the happiest I have ever been. My emotional, spiritual and physical health is all around better and I and completely happy with my decision. Life is now worth living 😊💕 it’s not human to live like that. Life is better than that. We only have one life to live. Live your best life. Don’t wait on someone to brighten your day when you see they are filled with so much darkness. Get rid of it and let your light shine. Thank you Dr. Ramani for reminding I deserved better.

Message received. I wasn't sure about categorizing my last relationship as a narcissistic one but you've described everything I experienced to a tee... He was obsessed with work and buying a condo but really seemed indifferent to me most of the time and would get annoyed when I demanded more effort. He also was weird about money, refused to commit, and would get angry about dumb things. But when we did talk about things he would get emotional and tear up which made me think he just needed more time. He truly has no interest in my life. So it's time to escape this relationship for good and move on with my life. I broke up with him in January and still stayed in touch. This is just fear of not finding someone else. Which is a very real outcome given how little I've dated in my life but it was horrible feeling devalued. I dont want to go back to that space. Deleting him from social media and my phone for good now.

I feel like you are in my living room with me and we're having a cup of coffee and a chat! Thank you for these videos, so helpful 😊. I have been searching for"the lazy narcissist" for a long time, no videos out there about that. My experience with the narcissist in my life is that he/she does very little to help self or others. When they do the smallest act of service, they're talking about how marvelous they are, and how difficult it was forever!! Truth is, they pawn off any work that needs done on unsuspecting people, and God help you if you point it out to them!!

Yes! Yes! Yes! This is my husband! I've been calling him a lazy narcissist b/c I dont know how to explain it. His narcissistic validation he needs is for people to think he works hard. But he only makes it sound like he does. ATM he hasn't even worked for 11 weeks, but he will start yelling and throwing a tantrum if you hint that he should play with the kids since he's home all day. I know better than to bring up him helping with housework. So now I'm working double to pickup his slack, and he mocks me for not making as much as he did when he did work.

So so true! It's been 33 years of marriage for me also. Finally some level of understanding to the pain I have endured.

My text messages were sent to his phone but he'd ignore them for the whole weekend and then tell me his phone went off and stuff that was obviously a lie, this happened many times. One day I told him I was tired of being tossed to the side, all he did was getting angry and telling me not to think that way, following a silent treatment for a whole week. I was so afraid of losing him, so I stayed, I thought I could thaw his cold heart out, but found it impossible. I struggled a lot in that relationship and thank goodness I'm out for good.

I see this in my children’s relationship with their father. They are victims of emotional neglect, never having had him around to be a part of their life. I used to think that he was doing it deliberately to hurt me because our relationship was never a healthy one from the start. What was baffling to me all along was the fact that he seemed pretty ‘normal’ with his nieces and nephews but reserved the detached indifference for his own children. Looking forward to hearing more about this, Dr Ramani.

A quote from my caregiver/ adopted mother “ We aren’t the same and so you’re in no position to disrespect me however I’m allowed to disrespect you

This is 100% my experience. In 2016, I titled one of my journals “My Life as a Ghost: A Journal of My Attempts to Communicate with the Corporeal World” 😓

I was married to a narcissist who is a combination of neglectful and benign for 27 years. A not fun journey that caused me to lose all sense of self and any self confidence I had before we met. There's nothing like being ignored and put on the back burner for decades to mess with your mind.