Discard was painful. She acted as if I am the problem for her. Probably she is in a new relationship. I dont understand if they cant commit, why do they play with emotions. It hurts to be like this. She has no guilt no regret at all. I am stil hurt, its been 1.5 months. Her behaviour was so rude that It got me anxiety attacks. Last couple of days were so horrible that my health started declining. Future faking, false hope all that she did to trap me and left me with unbearable pain and confusion. Sometimes I go back and ask myself, what was all that about? She has proved why avoidants are not the ones to believe. I am emotionally so down that it takes a lot to concentrate on other things. I simply wasted 2 years on someone who doesnt have basic human qualities. 😞
So validating reading this. The same thing happened to me, same time and everything. I wish you the best, don’t ever think it was your fault not even a little bit. That helped my healing immensely
Thanks to him discarding me, I had so much anxiety that I ended up having a second mental breakdown. While I was struggling to perform at work, he was having fun drooling over semi-nude models on insta. Perhaps he even seized the opportunity to date some of them... Anyway, I got no other choice than to respect the wishes of the dead and move on.
1.5 months since she left you? How about 7 months.. last time we spoke OCT 21st 2023. 2 years relationship? Well, how about 7 years before marriage and 9 years married, that's actually 16 years of my life! She's maybe in a new relationship? Be glad you don't have any children with her, 3 li'l boys here.. so move on!
Exact same situation and timeline. Like a different personality completely. Unbelievably rude and zero human emotion. Like dealing with an email auto response robot
I'm always thinking about it. That one harmless date turned into a traumatic experience I'll never forget. I've dealt with some dark low times in my years but nothing compares to this.
My best advice during "no contact:" THRIVE Get your life back! Make a difference in the world! Since my breakup 3 months ago I started a podcast (to celebrate writers around the world), I launched a new short(ish) story, and got booked on over a dozen podcasts to talk about launching my new novel trilogy in 6 weeks. Don't get hurt. Don't get mad. Don't even get even. Don't "just survive." GET OUT THERE AND THRIVE. The best way to prove to him/her/them - and to YOU - that you're BETTER than how they treated you is to show that you can THRIVE without them!
"IM NOT WILLING TO GIVE YOU MY HEART AGAIN WHEN YOU HAVE ALREADY SHOWN ME THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO JUST THROW ME AWAY AND STOMP ON MY HEART TO ALLEVIATE YOUR FEARS" PARAPHRASED FROM 5;22
I’m devastated and depressed as hell, but proud to have set my boundaries. I didn’t deserve this and feeling lost and confused. But I WILL NOT break no contact. Thank you for your wisdom.
I actually ended things with my avoidant ex. But still not reaching out. I wish him well. He is a good man and was a very good companion until his flight or fight mode set in. I could see it happening so I gave him freedom.
Was just struggling with the idea of reaching out today but I stayed strong and didn’t. Almost 3 months of no contact. This video could not have come at better time. Your videos help. Thank you
@@Jen-K-2024 oh he ended things abruptly a few months back. I wanted a future and he got scared and discarded me. But I am better off for it! And these videos help affirm that
My guy coach Ryan. You don't need to care anymore. You want to care. It may pacify your heart. It will kill your soul. You will restart the anguish of why they don't understand kindness.
I strongly disagree with the notion that not responding is ghosting or immature. If someone tells you they do not want you in their life, then I am equally able to decide I do not want them in my life either after being lied to and discarded. I’m not going to suppress my feelings for theirs.
This showed up at the perfect time. I asked him weeks ago not to contact me again, as breadcrumbing and hot/cold behaviour has been going on for so long. Very painful to deal with. Today I wondered about checking he was ok after having an upsetting dream about him, so I'm very glad I saw this reminder.
I was very in love with an avoidance once, and what an emotional roller coaster I was put through! I have learned so much from you, Coach Ryan. My avoidance fits ALL of the traits you have shared in all of your videos. I couldn't believe it. I was so grateful to hear about the "No Contact" rules right after I cut him off, therefore helping me be strong. Thank-you for helping me heal, move on, be strong, and for teaching me to see that it was not me!
Glad i found this channel. I needed this reminder. 4months since the break up from a 7 year LDR. Got the rug pulled once i brought up just a plan for relocation. Everything we talked about and agreed on turned into "i dont know what i want and im not ready" run ing rarher than confiding. Im personally in a feeling of "cant live with them cant live without them". Any others feeling the rug pull, dont blame yourself. Take action, learn and improve. Remember evenna flat tire and still roll. Stay strong.
Same here, rug pulled her saying she changed her mind on moving to my area so she doesn’t know where that will leave us, we about 1 hour and 20 min drive from each other. I texted back I needed a day to process this and we can talk tomorrow. Did a brief call the next day which was like talking to a different person that I didn’t know for the past 2 years. Invasion of body snatchers. Crazy stuff that can distort your grip on reality for a bit. She came to get her stuff a week later, and again it was like a matter of fact interaction, cold, no emotion. Sick people
Following no contact perfectly but then unfortunately had to interact with her due to shared property. Was feeling good now not so much. Just seeing and feeling that icy coldness from someone you cared about. Unbelievably painful.
Sometimes it hurts so bad it feels like he died and sometimes it would’ve been easier if he did. I will never be the same. I feel worse than before. Loss hurts more than love feels good. It gets harder every time. I’m better off alone.
Don't become like the people who hurt you it does nothing for nobody just learn from the situation and focus on yourself and love you're self enough to realize the relationship no longer serves you and there is a reason for that I know how you feel I got discarded to was told we were never in a relationship and we had nothing special going on but I know for a fact he was afraid of love and very egotistical and prideful plus avoidant he had a heart of gold and was well liked by many very charming but underneath he was very insecure and never wanted to deal with any type of emotions especially from another human being lol I know it was a him thing and not a me thing even though he blamed me for everything that went wrong in the relationship classic avoidant behavior and responses just very cold like a whole different person but ik greatful for all the lessons we learn about ourselves when we deal with avoidants it's something to take from the situation sometimes things that make us feel bad or uncomfortable are meant for us to grow not stagnant down and out be better because you are too good for the bs and don't put another person in the same shoes you are in just because your hurting it's temporary and things will get better and feel better for you later on trust me I know!..and when they try to come back after you worked on yourself because they definitely will at some point avoidants can smell progress lol you won't even want them anymore if anything you will have empathy for them good luck
This was right on time, I was contemplating texting him, then I saw this video. Everything you said was spot on. I sort of went off on my DA just basically calling him out on some things and telling him how he hurt me, I said things out of pain and anger and now he has the nerve to not be talking to me…. Smh deactivation is a real thing but I try to motivate myself to not say anything more and watching these videos have been a blessing. He has already not responded to my texts and I can’t give no more satisfaction of him not responding to any more of them.
If we don't ghost them , and respond even the slightest after they initiate , that can still be taken as oh this person is always there to respond to me no matter after how many days I have left her to deal with the shit given by me alone. So how ghosting from our side is not healthy? Is it not a boundary too?
I agree with the notion that we should severely limit how much we speak to them in general, at least for a good while to give them time to reflect and hopefully improve, and that involves ghosting them to really only give them the option of improving, or walking away entirely, which the latter is usually what ends up happening if they do genuinely love you still.
I agree. He dumped me after emotionally abusing me for years. I’m not doing anything wrong by ignoring his breadcrumbs. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s perfectly healthy to cut someone out of your life permanently under certain circumstances.
Why can’t I confront (in a respectful way ) and call out her atrocious behavior? 8 years and poof she ghosted without probable cause. I’ve been devastated more than I’ve ever been. It’s almost as bad as losing a loved one who has passed away . It’s been 6 months of NC . She is a dismissive avoidant. Why do I still love her?
Because of the potential future the fantasy of the good memories let it go and heal I promise you everything will get better when you focus on yourself and take time to heal
I have the same feelings what you and the same question. And with time will be better, for me 1 year when feelings come down. Give yourself time till that point, it will come.
Your videos on how to deal with the discard and validating the emotions, confusion and anxiety that come with it are extremely appreciated. I hope you'll do more soon. It's one of the few things that help.
Been in one whole month of NC since I sent a dignity reset message over Skype to her. No watching her stories over Instagram or any other social media. Unfriended her from FB same time last year and withdrew support from her band too.
So this partly resonates… When we split, it was for a known reason and there has been closure. There is peace between us, but I have found that the no contact is a better option because he is a breadcrummer. And I don’t feel like being the mac & cheese lol the bottom line is, it’s better for me to interact with people who have something to offer… So maybe less severe than your situation and maybe will resonate with some other people… If something doesn’t make you feel good then it’s probably better to not keep doing it, and it’s hard so hang in there, but it’s absolutely worth the results
I was discarded by my avoidant ex without any form of closure at all.. d relationship was going on well...i didn't ask him any questions, i just pulled away as well...just wondering why he didn't block me...he still watches my stories🙄
We often worry that they will meet someone to spend their elder years with, because they usually choose someone to live with in the end. We don't realize that they would never be with that person if they weren t convenient, a nice nurse/cook whom the avoidant doesn't have to wait for since they live very close already etc. For conveniency, the avoidant will not live their last years alone.
Very true. My ex didn't want to live together after getting married. He saw me every 2 weeks. He just wanted the convenience of me. He said when I asked his advice "he can only give me a hr of his time to protect his energy" this was after breaking down and telling him what happened when I was a child. I genuinely think he wants a woman who sees him when he wants. A clean house, as he called mine "dirty" and doesn't want any emotion support. As I did and got called weak minded 😢
Beaker, sounds awful, what you went through. Avoidants and shy victim narcissists, "woe is me", that type of fellow, usually finds someone in the end, when he can hardly move anymore. That woman will be his caretaker, cook, nurse, etc. Before that, they live the avoidance life. "Ooh I can't stand seeing someone once a week, maybe once a month is good"
@anothercat9600 exactly my ex. Would only ask if I was ok. Then the rest of the conversation was all about himself. As it was long distance. I used to stay the full 4 days. Right until as late as I could. He'd only stay 3 days with me. Never giving a reason. Just what day he was leaving. Never wanted to eek the time out with me right to the end 😞
Your timing is perfect with this video. Ive had nothing, no apology for the traumatic discard. I sent the rest of his stuff back, as i can't throw it away or burn it 😢 I should have but thought im the better person. He still has stuff of mine. I didn't even get a thank you. Not that i wanted it but would have been nice
I'm on the same volunteer board with mine. He's our director. I've thought about giving up my position but the mission and vision is more important than my feelings. I have to be an adult about this and work with him.
Thank you and i appreciate it, cos i need it now. Like I heard all my story. Almost 13 months of NC. Last time I saw her she told me "dont you ever come to my work or contact to me, my mom anymore" and i answered "do you think I wanna be discarded like that?" also i took it. I dont even know there about avoidant. I was blocked after that by herself and her mom (that was shocking and disturbing, also gave some answer then). Since that time in first month only I have contacted to her friends once and told them this situation and I learn i was her first true boyfriend, but she wasn't a partner for me while i was fighting for ourselves future even in bad health psychically conditions in that time. She have seen it and my efforts. And still i was rejected second time out of the blue, but this time not from message. Her friends unfortunately havent helped. I don't understand avoidance ppl, you can build with them all future and in any second can lose it all. My relationship was longing 2,5 years
Trying no contact but soo difficult when we own car together, adopted cats together, and work together.... 2 yrs and moved on in 2 1/2 months... I've never cried soo much or been such a mess . In therapy 2xs a week....
I stayed in no contact with my avoidant ex and one month later she unfollowed me from Instagram. What could this mean? I was hoping they would reflect on the relationship and feel the loss.
it’s cuz she is mad that u didn’t beg her to come back. Her ego is hurt nothing else and from experience i’m telling even if you’ve chased them and they might have come back, the whole cycle would repeat again. Have no remorse and move on.
Thank you. Gave assurance again and kept holding me with the decisions. But how long should I wait for them to initiate that conversation? When to stop hoping that they would come back and move on?
Move on trust me you’ll never be able to get them to open up don’t show your emotions you have to be independent strong versus giving all your emotions to them
Is it ghosting if I dont want to respond? It kinda ended badly and i dont know if I should feel responsible to say anything if they appear out of the blue. I'm scared it's gonna cause me to hurt inside again
Sit with it and don’t worry about it. Of course pain in this life is inevitable but is it worth it to reopen the old wound? Watch their behavior and what they say. Have they changed? If not, it might not be worth it. Are you healed enough to be OK if it doesn’t work again? Write the pros and cons. Think about yourself first in this. Not their feelings.
I did it a week after she left me. She wouldn't even let me see her one last time, I had to talk to her outside the house on the phone. We were together 13 years. Then 4 months later, she's already in a new relationship. 😢
8:12 thank you for this, he (fearful avoidant) just broke up and I was wondering what would be the most mature response. I also think ghosting is immature and I'm very against it, it would be contradictory if I did that. Thank you so much
@@ritapeters1330 I can ghost him by deliberately not replying to his future messages, attempts to reach out and "be friends", or when he asks how I'm doing, etc.
I texted mine happy birthday before he ghosted me. His reply was a cold, “Ty.” He couldn’t say please, thank you or sorry, to save his life. I’ve been in no contact for almost 4 months.
my ex was contacting me after the discard asking for favors during a 4 month period of no contact. Sometimes she did it for random reasons like "oh can u contact this person for me ? or i saw u watching this on tiktok video? to which i replied casually. One day she called to get her car back from me ( long story), of course its her right and i gave it back to her. But i was frustrated of her previous breadcrumbs, so I set a boundary, i calmly told her that she was contacting me for random reasons sometimes and i didn't know what she wanted. I told her to only contact me if she needed to talk about the relationship that she discarded and nothinge else. she got very angry and told me that her contacting me meant nothing and that I was overthinking. i told her regarldess please respect this boundary, she accepted but she was upset and claimed that I am still hurt. Her reaction was unexpected and it felt I Gave her attention more than she deserves. does this count as breaking no contact after 4 month of silence? As a result it now feels like i lost her forever, cz now she's also doing no contact. What if I was setting a boundary but broke no contact by accident? maybe i showed that i still care ? have i made a mistake ?😂
Yes, indeed.. you basically showed her that your life in Pause, nothing interesting happening.. and you're just "waiting" for her to get back to you. A BIG NO! Show her what she lost, find someone else.
@@BlastingZone Well i did a lot of work these 4 months. But I thought i am suppose to put boundaries when she breadcrumbs u after the discard. I mean it was really annoying, why on god earth would i do her any favors.
No you did not make a mistake. If someone cannot respect that boundary or understand where you are coming from then they are not meant for you. Not now. You deserve the love you are asking for and when you set boundaries they of all people need to respect them. They constantly ask you to do so no? By taking so much time and space away. Relationships are not one sided babe. Don’t overthink if you did anything wrong. Take her off the pedestal and put yourself first. Which is what you were doing with that boundary. Stick to it and stick to what you were doing. Hurts at first but you made the CORRECT choice no matter what happens after. It was a choice for YOURSELF and Your mental health! EDIT: also sometimes people will rebel against boundaries but then come back around later. I wouldn’t overthink it. Doesn’t mean they are necessarily bad people either, they are just not used to you standing your ground/unaware. Just wait and see. Keep living your life and stick to it, again, like I said. You did the right thing imo.
@nilawright5953 Thank you for the kind words, I have been torturing myself lately, thinking that if I let things go as they were. She was coming back to my country, and maybe if she saw me indifferent to her breadcrumbs and behavior, she probably would have felt the loss. I want her to feel the loss cz despite of her complete discard for my feelings and value in her life, I still have a lot of love for this person, who at some point was good to me. she was coming back to live in the same country, When I set thr boundary "that I was thinking about talking to you about it but now I changed my mind", as if she wanted me to feel regret that I lost her. she contacted many times, only when she needed a favor or asked to send the car to her friend. I bought a new car and told her to pick her car up from my house. She took the car without passing by to say hello. I was certain I lost her, and I feel like I was my own enemy. That's why ur reminded me that setup the boundary for myself and not for her. Even though some people told me that u showed ur ex that u still think about her. Yea she also was constantly saying hello and checking on me, but then she got cold. Her behavior Was weird and i couldn't explain what she wants. Its just random breadcrumbs, I just wanted her to know that' its not acceptable what she doing, and i never tried to tell her that she was trying to get back to me or was showing interest. I just told her that random topics are not tolerable.
@nilawright5953 thank you, I was feeling deep regret. also I have no idea why she told me "iam completely over u" it seems completely unrelated. maybe she thought i am trying to see if she still has feelings for me when I told her only to contact me if she has something to say about the relationship, its a perfectly logical thing to say since she was contacting me for random reasons. It was better then saying don't talk to me at all. I didn't expect her to be "ohhh okay i want to come back now" no i was setting the boundary cz i didn't understand why she dumped me discarded me, chose to be distant from me and told me that she is going to act that way. But when she needs me i am suppose to do her stuff and call my sister for her ? ( they're coworkers) i don't understand this person at all. Hence the boundary plus i wanted to feel the consequences of discarding me.
What if I broke no contact twice-shortly after the breakup and before finding your videos, but I haven’t contacted him since his birthday 8 months ago? Does the no contact get a “reset” or have my two contacts made it so that he won’t ever acknowledge his feelings?
No contact is for you and the other person. Coach Ryan says in another video that there is not a specified length of time of No Contact. Each individual avoidant is unique and will go through the different stages of processing at their own pace. I broke NC several times in the past few months with my avoidant ex before I found these videos. Stay strong for your own healing!
@coachRyan So my ex DA & i live in a small village on a peninsula so its inevitable that we run into each other. Im confused because he discarded me mid January then tried to contact me two weeks later, I saw him at our local club a few weeks after that where he approached me to say hello but i just looked at him like i could see straight through him & he left. Then the other day he came in to my work to get some milk & i was filling the drinks fridges & he came up behind me & poked me. I served him but didnt look at him or talk to him just took his money, gave him change & walked away back to what i was doing. Can you explain whats happening here if i gave him what he wanted yet he's acting like norhing happened & didnt discard me?!.
I think the purpose of his videos is to really address those who were discarded abruptly and didn’t know why and then find out the person has an avoidant attachment style, which makes sense and has ways to deal with that situation. The person who discarded the avoidant ended the relationship and at the very least has their reason. The person who was dropped out of the blue may not why this happened. But it would interesting for him to address the other side however there would be less videos in comparison.
It’s the same advice. I walked away from mine bc I just couldn’t do it anymore. Basically the way they treat you is a discard. I left, but it was like ripping out my own heart. It is hell to not contact him some days. These videos have saved me.
I do have videos about this. Not sure if I’ve uploaded them to RU-vid yet, but they’re definitely on TikTok and Instagram. I’ll make sure to upload them to RU-vid if they aren’t already up here. One common issue is guilt for leaving the avoidant, but in reality, there’s nothing bad or selfish about standing up for your needs and holding boundaries.
