I finally figured out how to match energy. If they disappear, I let them. If they don't have the common decency to acknowledge my birthday or special moments, I reciprocate. No more over-giving and under-receiving. No more betrayal blindness and enabling anti emotional connection. Avoidants, narcissists and other abusers become unattractive in the clarity of absence. Your presence is a present. Give it to those who not only give back but actually want to give back. They deserve your generous spirit and you deserve theirs. ❤
I blocked them after 3 weeks no contact. Publicly humiliated me by gaslighting me in front of all our friends and was only met with excuses when i tried to talk to her. So i went no contact and 3 weeks in i couldn’t focus so i had to block them on everything, deleted all photos and text conversations. I had to be done with it. Im grieving it now, was only a situationship but I liked her a lot and after being treated that way I cant go back regardless of her situation. It doesn’t justify it.
You just described what he did to me. But I’m not strong enough to block him. I tried by then my anxiety takes over saying: how about if he is trying to come back 🫣😩💔 He broke my heart, but my compassion towards him and what he has been through is so much bigger. I’m trying to become secure and love myself to get out of this loophole 😢
@@tatianawoellner6620 you have to let go of the good parts. You have to look at it objectively. The way he treated you is not ok and someone who treats people like that are not people you want in your life. Our brain due to withdrawals focuses on the good and not the bad. Doesnt matter what they go through. It doesnt justify how he treated you. Learning to understand that the persona of him you have in your head isnt the real him is toughest part. He hurt you and it wasnt ok. If he really changed. Or if he really wanted to make amends the effort would be there. No point in waiting and playing the “what if” game. His loss, the thought of going back feels promising and hopeful but I promise not going back will be way more beneficial. Unless they REALLY prove they are doing the work and effort necessary to make things better them coming back and reaching out to you should not sway you. Its not a punishment for them. Its not to make them jealous or to get a reaction out of them. Its to stick up for yourself and protect yourself. By removing yourself from the situation you are not tolerating his behavior and walking away. I know it hurts but this is where the growth happens.
Dont give them anything, not one word, not one thought .they'll try to reach out to you. Block them as fast as they try to contact you 😮 and dont go back never 😅
...yep, I agree. I am all in favour of 'ghosting', especiually at the start of no-contact as they can still react in small ways as if they are looking for a reaction themselves. Zero tolerance for their behaviour, got to give it a really good amount of time and then only communicate back if they have something really worthwhile to say to do with them taking personal responsibility. Avoid the avoidant at all costs !!
Never wish an avoidant person happy birthday. Don’t even think about doing it trust me. If you feel the urge to do so find something productive to do other than wasting that time and energy.
Correct! When I was planning to wish him a happy birthday this year (we had already agreed to watch the total solar eclipse), it turned out to be his biggest unhappiness! He has no news at all! even Stood me up again....Avoidant them doesn't need blessings, they need abuse, but that's exactly what we won't give them!
One Night I decided to send him a small Bday gift through amazon and wished him a HB. I went to bed and when I woke up the next morning I realized I screwed up and tried to cancel the order but of all times that I couldn’t cancel an order, yep, it couldn’t cancel. It was delivered and I never heard from him. I did feel like shit but I also thats the type of person I am. I am kind and generous and enjoy making people happy.
I love that you mention it could be a slow fade. A lot of channels talk about when the person has broken up with you outright, but in my case it was a slow discard then gaslighting whenever I brought it up. So painful and it went on for so long until eventually I said enough.
Wanting someone that doesn't want us is just a way for many that takes us back to a core wound. And why? To get validation from a caregiver that was emotionally unavailable, and that can get played out over and over until we heal, not them. It's very interesting that their behavior stems from a similar wound but you are the only one that can change after understanding why we want something so badly we can't have, in my case emotionally unavailable caregivers. Each person should ask themselves why an unavailable person is more important than an available person. Two sick people returning to a core wound. I often try to be their caregiver! Ha that's what they are avoiding and afraid of since they can't trust.
My birthday was June 22 and I was hoping my avoidant ex would reach out. All the coaches say is it’s an FA it could take up to six months for her to reach out, but that it’s vital for me to stay in no contact. 😞
I am now getting rid of everything he ever gave me. He was big on giving gifts. I want to clean my home, my body , my brain of all the remnants of this pain. Blocked and deleted. Burned the letters. I just can’t go back. And every little thing triggers me. His birthday is on the 22. I will not contact him. It took so much out my health. Get out as soon as you can and never go back. I wish I had done that and when I did do it I went back. It just gets worse.
I am now getting rid of everything he ever gave me. He was big on giving gifts. I want to clean my home, my body , my brain of all the remnants of this pain. Blocked and deleted. Burned the letters. I just can’t go back. And every little thing triggers me his birthday is on the 22. I will not contact him.
Thank you for this. He wished me Happy Mother's Day. I said "ty but you didn't have to" He said he just wanted me to know that I was thought of. I thought about wishing him Happy Father's Day. It was hard not to but I stayed in NC. I'm healing. He should NOT be thinking of me when he broke up with me and in a new relationship one week later. SMH. NC is hard but I'm doing it for me.
@@暗香晚风 and the saga continued. He actually reached out to me to talk. The timing was wrong when we were together. He went into a rebound reaction that has been toxic and doesn't know how to end it. Said he has one foot out the door trying to get the other one out. He doesn't want this relationship in his life. Well...last night he said they had a long talk. ( Must have been sex) Guess he's staying in it. I wished him and her good luck but be true to himself. You know...he can't be 100% in that relationship if he's constantly thinking of me all the time. 🤦 I'm not going to entertain this anymore. He can stay stuck. I've had a spiritual healing during this separation. A definite glow up. I'm good with where I'm at. All the reading said reunite my soulmate possible even marriage. Still shaking my head. 🤦
I wish I hadn’t wished her happy birthday. I wish I didn’t love her like I do. I wish I wasn’t hanging on to all the promises she made me and the life I thought we were gonna have together. Am I ever gonna be able to let go?
Thank you for this. Today was my ex situstionship birthday (I wanted more, they “weren’t ready” 🙄.) I felt like such a piece of shit not reaching out since we only recently broke up.
I did this nye 2023 after a year and a half of no contact. Biggest mistake ever. And that was after 2 years of hot and cold game playing. I got love bombed again. Future faked and lied to and it took me 6 months to go no contact again. This one is a classic avoidant and I just found this channel last night and have been listening almost non stop. I thought for a long while he is a narcissist but he seriously is too simple minded to be a narc. But this fits to a tee.
I like the last comment, I have been in a relationship with a Narc and they are hyper intelligent and can create a fake future and fantasy. My recent relationship with the avoidant, she couldn't remember lies she told me and even whole conversations she would look at me and ask how I knew, they may have narcissistic traits at the end of the relationships but they are definitely not as evil as Narcs..... still better off without them though...
Coach R is the best mentor for avoidant attachment. He is simple, profound, sympathetic and enlightening. He is the best coach I have ever met on RU-vid
Hardest lesson in the world for some of us, that these people are our own way of avoiding a relationship. We are more comfortable longing for a person than moving on and finding someone that wants us in a healthy way.
Wait so if they message us with "how are you?" type messages during no contact, we're meant to reply? I thought NC was ignoring any messages unless it was them saying they're ready to do the work to change, for 30+ days at least
What if you have to ask them for your stuff back that they still have (such as clothes, books etc)? Or what if you want to tell them off once and for all?
How do I handle a situation with my avoidant husband who decided to move out but still living together. I want to reconcile our marriage. He is highly stressed due to therapy bringing up childhood trauma. He is working on himself
if he is going through his childhood truama in therapy. that is a massive step in the right direction. its likley due to you being a great partner and him having mutual feelings for you that has triggered his avoidant side. which means his real feelings are being supressed. if he is commited to doing the work like it looks like. then you just need to be patient and allow him to choose openess and vulnerability. likley he will try it out and it will get easier amd easier amd you will be his safe person he can come to. and he can begim to let you love him and allow himself to love you the way he wants deep down inside
I haven't had no contact for a month with my ex . He owns me money and made a payment today and I replied to him to say Thank you only , is that breaking contact he still owns me 800
@@暗香晚风 he reached out to my sister asking about me and he ended up coming back after no contact for a month I mean no contact what so ever from my part .
What if they do that one random like on one of your things or extend some kind of feeler out? I liked on of their old ones but otherwise didn’t take the bait.
@@CoachRyanHhi Coach I need one advice if can help me out..I caught my girlfriend sit into another man car. I told her this is cheating texting a man for coffee she said No Cheat No Sex..she Said I stress her out and she flakes on our Sunday and ghost since last Sat.. if I take her back am I a Cuck ?
@@kcchong-s2idon’t take her back. Blatant disregard to your boundaries. Show her that you will not tolerate that kind of behavior. To be honest, you should’ve been the one who ghosted her for doing that. Why would you take back someone who treated you like such shit?
@@ZaddyGohan thank you Zaddy,I caught her sit into another man car in Feb and i Did No Contact 4 month she kept text me want to see me but I left her message UnRead.last Saturday she came outside my house with a gift.i thought ok let me set bf gf rules I went out told her No Male friends and want to see her Sunday Church she said I Stressed her out insisting she Did NOT Cheat because NO Sex.Now she ghosted me since last Saturday Day 6.i am heartbroken
@@kcchong-s2i well now you know man. She came crawling back because you did no contact, but she wouldn’t accept your boundaries, meaning she didn’t really care about you enough to begin with. I know you’re hurting, I feel your pain. But know that it’s god’s way of getting someone bad out of your life
I explain this in the video. It means you only reach out to them about the kids only and don’t initiate any contact other than essential communication about the children
They will tell you that, and then abuse you one more time. They will make you accept even worse behaviour 'because of their loss' I learned the hard way
@@EDDYCHVERDY super! Totally agree lol! I only wanted to bc a month before he reached out on my birthday with flowers and then was ignoring me and wouldn’t even have a phone call. People get childish back with avoidants incredibly rude behavior wanting to teach them a lesson. But it’s better to let go, be mature and let life teach them
@@KimRope i am done with my avoidant . Will never contact him again , never. If he does i Will assure him we re still friends and won t do anything to Talk to or see him again. Someone s in for a surprise.
I mean attachment clash is typically the #1 reason right? Feeding each other behaviours that only feed each other’s insecurities, stunting communication, snowballing in a push-pull dynamic until the avoidant pulls the pin. There’s a lot of criticism for avoidants, probably due to these comment sections being populated with sad, bitter anxious exes. Anxious behaviour is also toxic and damaging, an avoidant leaning person might be close to secure, until excessive anxious behaviour pushes them further into activating stronger avoidant behaviours.
@@Titanspeakerman99 firstly, when did I say avoidant behaviours are “right”? And secondly, I don’t lean avoidant, I’m anxious leaning. Attachment wounds work on a spectrum, you can be secure with a tendency to shift avoidant if your partner starts displaying disruptive anxious behaviour, love-bombing, becoming jealous, being too needy for attention, time and validation, guilt tripping, putting their partner on a pedestal making them their world with an unreasonable expectation of pressure to reciprocate that level of love and affection, etc, etc. These behaviours will trigger a person to express avoidant behaviours, or just drive away a secure person, or even turn another anxious person to start leaning towards avoidant. And obviously, vice-versa. Attachment behaviours only mirror what the other partner is offering. Pressure in relationships will pull these insecurities out in time, no one is feeling pressure, aiming to create conflict or taking exception to anything in the honeymoon phase - eveyone is secure to begin relationships. Both parties need to do their shadow work or else they’ll both cause imbalance in their relationships. An anxious person who is aware of their attachment wounds and has become secure can be pulled back towards those anxious behaviours if their partner starts triggering them. Basically, all attachment behaviours are shit when that person isn’t in control or aware of them. Do the therapy, become secure and have good communication with your partner. Check in, make it safe to share fears and needs.
You're not actually holding them accountable. Blaming avoidant's behavior on other people is your own coping mechanism which also just further enables their behavior. Yes, if someone is EXTREMELY anxious, sure, they need to work themselves and could be contributing to some avoidancy in their partner. But lots of normal people (secure leaning) get absolutely destroyed by avoidants because they run hot and cold. They are very selfish people who should never be in relationships, and by making excuses for them, it not only shows the depth of your own anxious attachment, but guarantees you will continue to pine after them.
@@brennam954 again, you want to play extremes but ignore the damage anxious behaviours can do within relationships. I’m pretty sure when a connection is ruined, be it toxic guilt manipulation, smothering or commitment issues and the need for space, these relationships end up the same - either needing repair and some attunment to the issues or they break. Any person with unresolved attachment issues is accountable for their inner work. You’re one eyed on the topic and clearly angry, you probably would never accept the fact that someone with anxious behaviour can bombard and initiate another persons attachment wounds. They all play off each other, if an avoidant person fires off and their partner reacts you better believe they then try pull them in with anxious triggers which only feeds the avoidant’s insecurities. You’ve clearly been burnt by an avoidant ex, no one decides to take on their attachment wounds and if you had any idea about the deep seated nature of how they embed in us, no one has any clue that they’re there, or how they’re expressed or what they should do, only when some damage is done. I think you’re angry that attachment dynamics exist. You think avoidant attachers are selfish? Maybe do more research into their psyche. You’re thinking like an anxious person.
@norswil8763 You'll tiptoe around them thinking, "Ooh, I don't want to be 'aNxiOuS' and scare them off with my basic needs and expectations. They'll pick me this time! The problem is always me, 'smothering them', and not having, you know...basic ass expectations that are normal of any relationship." You'll walk on eggshells because you've learned to adapt to them, hoping they'll appreciate you and not reject you. Because if you expect anything of them, that makes you an anxious person, right? If you expect anything, that makes you anxious; that simple. But surprise! The ending will be the same. It always will. They will discard you, pulling out the rug from underneath you when you thought things were going so well, or they will come and go like an alley cat, and that will be the dynamic forever. The work you seem to be doing is not to keep avoidants away from you and develop real boundaries; it's just to win them over more easily. To that I say, enjoy your next avoidant situationship. Maybe it'll be different this time ✌️
Correct! What a painful experience！ When I was planning to wish him a happy birthday this year (we had already agreed to watch the total solar eclipse), it turned out to be his biggest unhappiness! He has no news at all! even Stood me up again....Avoidant them doesn't need blessings, they need abuse, But that's exactly what we won't give them!
