Nonviolent Communication - What is Violence?

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Heya. I mentioned in my France road trip video about how violence affects me, and I think that message brought about some confusion. I also mentioned in my video on All About Love how I want compassion and love to be my big guiding framework for life, and I think that is really unlocked with nonviolent communication in mind. So today, I’m going to talk about Nonviolent Communication, what it is, and - namely - how it is that our language can be violent. I don’t think people realize how impactful their judgments, criticisms, and shame can be on others, and so I’d like to talk about that today, within the framework of Nonviolent Communication.
I don't think people seriously consider how damaging their comments can be to others. The violence in people's language deeply impacts others, and doesn't just impact those who are considered "weak" or "not strong enough," “snowflakes” or "fragile." The language we use with others affects their emotions deeply, affects their body chemistries, and stays with them for years, to the point that some even internalize the message, and then cause violence to themselves. The things we say to others have long lasting impacts, and bigger impacts than we choose to acknowledge. It's not the receiver's fault for being impacted. I think it's time we look at the language we're using, if it's serving our goals, and if we're ethically and morally comfortable with the damage we're causing to others.9
Compassion and kindness are always available to us. Please be kind. You'll be surprised how much good it can do.
In Part 2 of this video series, on my channel ‪@SimonsBookClub‬, I’ll be discussing how the Nonviolent Communication process works, and I’ll give examples on how violent statements can be translated into something more compassionate, and more likely to be connecting, mindful, and beneficial to all parties. Check out Part 2 here:
☞ • How to Speak with Nonv...
I want to dedicate my time to spreading messages of love, compassion, empathy, mindfulness, presence, connection, and peace, and I plan to do so through sharing the messages of very impactful books. This is a project that I find great meaning in, and I hope it’s something that resonates with you as well. If so, I ask that you please support this project on Patreon:
☞ / simonsbookclub
There's a lovely community of people over on the Discord, where we talk about nonviolence, compassion, mental health, mindfulness, and lots of really wholesome, healthy stuff. If this sounds like a community you'd like to be a part of, I'd be very happy to connect with you there.
☞ / discord
If Nonviolent Communication interests you, check out the book. There’s so much more in there than I could talk about in these videos.
☞ www.cnvc.org/bookstore/books/...
☞ amzn.to/3A7EGR1
Here’s that video on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs I mentioned
☞ • Simon here. I made my ...
And along with that, here’s NVC’s List of Feelings..
☞ www.cnvc.org/training/resourc...
…and their List of Needs
☞ www.cnvc.org/training/resourc...
Both lists are from
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication☞ Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org☞ Phone: +1.505-244-4041
If you’re interested in Nonviolent Communication, the Center for Nonviolent Communication is starting a ten month program this weekend, as of November 12th. I’ll be participating in it as well. Check it out!
☞ www.community.nvcrising.org/r...
0:00 Introduction
27:08 Moving from “All About Love”
1:40 Violence blocks opens and honest communication
2:50 What is Violence
4:02 WHO’s Definition of Violence
4:54 My definition of Violence
5:41 “Life Alienating Communication”
6:32 Fluency in Violence
7:56 Disconnecting from what’s alive in us
8:41 Tragic Expression of Our Needs
10:02 Two Questions about Punishment
11:51 Violent Communication to Control
12:42 Power and Violence
13:51 Moving towards Love
14:43 Anti-Semitism met with Nonviolence
17:09 The benefits of compassion over violence
18:26 Is Nonviolence on RU-vid possible?
20:32 Is Nonviolence anti freedom of speech?
23:06 Is Nonviolence toxic positivity?
24:43 How to speak with Nonviolence
25:31 Discord Invite
#nonviolentcommunication #compassion #communication

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20 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 91

@souldion 3 месяца назад

hello, I used to be subscribed to you back when I first found K-pop in 2012. And I just recently visited now in 2024 to see where you both were after being such a pivotal part of my youth. I forgot what the channel was named but I’m happy I could find it, I remembered it had something with kimchi in it. But I had this video on in the background of me playing some video games and this is one day later I’m already hearing the message of having less violent thoughts and thinking more mindful of not using violent language in my day-to-day life. So for that, I know that this video is special and I hope it reaches many people. Thank you.

@goldapple57 Год назад

My unsolicited advice that I couldn't reply on the new video for both of you two: You don't have to react to every emotion. It's powerful to learn how to sit with discomfort without being reactive or numbing out. That way you can direct your will focus to enacting if you so choose. Energy is spiritual currency. Where you place your focus is where you spend it.

@propogandalf Год назад

Very well said. It's very difficult for a lot of people to sit with difficult emotions. They need to take immediate action to get rid of these feelings. Learning to sit with discomfort is a hard journey. Developing positive coping skills makes it just a wee bit more tolerable.

@skylar_kada Год назад

This is such good advice! And so helpful to me right now! Thanks

@goldapple57 Год назад

@@skylar_kada *hugs* keep healing and have a Merry Christmas 💚

@goldapple57 Год назад

@@propogandalf I concur with your addendum! Merry Christmas ❤

@6lu5ky86 Год назад

I was recently gaslit for the first time, at least the first time it was blatantly obvious. My coworkers used it to frustrate me instead of telling me up front what issues they had with me. I wasn't in the best state of mind so I take a lot of assumed responsibility for my own shortcomings.

@riiiiin Год назад

I check in from time to time on the channel to see how the two are doing, I sincerely believe that you guys are two good people who find themselves in a bad situation. I'm happy to see some semblance of your old self Simon. It feels like I know this person, but less on me and more on you, I hope you are feeling happy and fulfilled or at least working on it. Godspeed.

@propogandalf Год назад

I want to know if you delete comments so this is my way of finding out. Anyway, I'm impressed you have the capacity to read that many books for leisure. As a fairly academic person, I simply do not have the attention span. Also good for you for making progress in your interpersonal communication

@yoirreal Год назад

this is super helpful but how do I actually get the kid to clean up? lol... honestly I have issues with neighbors not cleaning up after themselves. haha.. im hoping to be more kind too, Ill do my best.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

I hear ya. It sounds like you like the message here, but that doesn’t stop you from feeling frustrated when people aren’t keeping things clean, and you’re not sure how you can use this method to get people to do what you want them to do. I get it. Part of the biggest challenge with Nonviolent Communication, I think, is in letting go of the idea of making people act differently. Being able to just accept that some people will act in ways that don’t align with our values is painful. Oooh, there are definitely times I wish I could make people see things the way I see them! You sure bet I do. My brother recently had a near death experience, and it’s mostly due to his lifestyle. I tried talking with him about it afterwards, and I just realized that the more I tried to change him, the more he closed up. The path towards change, I think, isn’t through forcing others, but just through modeling the behavior we value, by being the change we want to see in the world ♥️

@rileylovebucket6080 Год назад

What I've been learning is that there's a lot of conflation of violence and aggression. Aggression is not the antithesis of love and compassion, it's a vital part of it. It's there to protect your boundries and interests when they would be disregarded by another party. Most importantly, aggression can be expressed non- violently, and in fact needs to be acknowledged, because then it actually does evolve into coercion. During this video I kept wondering what was annoying me about what was being said, since I'm definitely a big proponent of NVC. I think it might be that there was some unspoken anger. If I was being mercilessly criticized by a bunch of strangers who think they know my life, I'd put up a stink--whether I was in the right or not. This is an excercise in futility on youtube, because woe betide the one who expresses anger of any sort. When not expressed however, the result can lead to some pretty inauthentic sounding (emphasis on the word sounding) esoteric language, a la pastor at the pulpit. TL:DR -- My wish is that we don't have to be afraid of stepping on toes. We're often made to believe we're more fragile than we are, and only by making those mistakes can we learn to communicate more effectively.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Let me see if I understand what you’re saying here: violence and aggression are distinct from each other, and while you can agree (I think) that violence is in opposition to compassion - in that violence is the use of power to control and coerce, while compassion doesn’t try to control and coerce and change others - you think that aggression is on the side of compassion, and that compassion cannot exist without aggression? Or do you disagree with the definition of violence altogether, both mine and the WHO’s definition of it? I think if I understand where you stand on this definition of violence, then that might help me better understand here is what you think of as aggression. I heard you describe it as a defending of yourself, and crucial to the establishment of boundaries, which - to me - still falls under the umbrella of the exertion of power to control and change others. 🤔

@rileylovebucket6080 Год назад

@@eatyourkimchi I think I mistakenly use aggression and anger interchangeably, but I mean anger, the feeling. If something is important to me, like my autonomy, and I don't acknowledge the anger that arises when it's threatened, in my experience it shows itself in some way or another unconsciously.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Ah. Thanks for clarifying. Let me see if I got this right: you’re using anger and aggression more as words to describe the passion/conviction/urgency/energy with which you act. The anger and the aggression signal to you something that is important to you, like the protection of your boundaries, say, and you need that energy to keep those boundaries. Without that anger/aggression, then you would have a harder time to express yourself. Is that right? In that case, I don’t think there’s much wrong with what you’re suggesting. If you’re aware of the energy you’re putting forward to achieving your goals, then that’s great. My concern is when that energy is used in violent ways, which would be - for me - in the use of judgment, criticism, blame and shame, and of telling people what’s wrong with them. If you’re simply establishing your boundaries by expressing what you need, rather than what people need to do, then we’re close to a mutual understanding :D How does that sit with you?

@rileylovebucket6080 Год назад

@@eatyourkimchi That's the general spirit of it, yes. The crux being that anger inherently has a momentum that is difficult to control, and my wish is that we could give each other some leeway when we don't communicate quite as well as we intend. But also I may have heard an accusation in the video that wasn't there, since I remember you saying something along the lines of NVC not being about technical mastery. And ironically I did the exact thing I was trying to explain, namely projecting my annoyance onto you because I hadn't fully sorted out the cause of it, lol. At least it's a good illustration of what I was trying to get at--that unacknowledged anger can easily transform into judgement, blame, etc., despite our best efforts. I think we're basically on the same page, though. :)

@GarmanyRachel Год назад

You know, I was looking for the old kimchi vlogs when this popped up and i thought id see how the old buddy ol pal was doing. Last time I had seen you you were so...idk, shell shocked maybe, almost robotic that it scared me. I am so so happy to see you doing well/ better than ever and the stuff you're talking about is oh so true:)

@deathchronic Год назад

I've noticed that I use words as daggers when I am in pain, tired, sleepy or hungry. Being in a fear avoiding mindset for the majority of my life, my life narrative and excuses I have.. Its very difficult for me to choose love and compassion. Even when I'm building a life to be of service to others I'm still suffering from the pain of violent communication. What has been a revelation for helping you out of this? Please don't say meditation 🤭🙈

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

First of all, thank you for taking the time to ask this question so sincerely. What I'm hearing is that you would like to speak nonviolently more often, but it's difficult for you to do so when your body isn't feeling great. Truly, I think, right there, that's a big step of self-awareness. It's hard for us to hold space and choose kindness when we're suffering ourselves, and we speak with an urgency to get our needs met, because our bodies are in a state of panic. I won't suggest meditation (in this case lol). What has been a revelation for me is in understanding the byproducts of violent communication, and in thinking less with immediacy, and more with the scope of the long term. In other words, violence might get my needs met now, but will cause more needs and pain in the future, while nonviolence has a higher chance of getting my needs met currently and in the future. What resonated for me when I read this book is that people are more willing to meet my needs now, and in the future, if I speak more from a place of vulnerability, and less from a place of demanding and blaming. The more I speak to people with violence, the less like they are to be around me in the future. People want to be around someone loving and kind more than they want to be around someone violent. In other words, if I want to avoid pain, then I know from experience that love and compassion make me feel less pain, currently, and in the long run. It's more of a marathon than a sprint; love and kindness have compound interest, while violence immediately spends yours and other people's resources. At least, that's how I view things, and that's what I'm noticing working in my life. Let me know how that sits with you ❤️

@itsalwayshalloweenexceptwh5118 Год назад

I wonder if constructive criticism can be delivered in a non-violent communication way when someone asks for it. In the early 2000s I was in hobby communities online where everyone was free to give constructive criticism without the poster having to ask for it, and this was considered the normal way we did things, it was accepted and celebrated as the kind of community spirit that allowed us to develop and grow. Now over the years, specifically the last 5 or so years, the community culture has changed to different norms. Now in most online comms I visit the default is that constructive criticism isn't allowed unless the poster asks for it. A small number of groups have it as the default that constructive criticism is allowed unless the poster specifically says "no concrit". Both of these options allow people to avoid concrit if they want to avoid it. There's nothing inherently wrong with that but it can have some consequences. This has changed not only the comm culture but also the quality of the content and the unwritten rules about what kind of speech is accepted. There are more than a few people frustrated with the changes because the result is that an increasing number of people post very low quality content, avoid concrit, as a result of that don't grow/develop their skills to meet the comm standards (which aren't really enforced because it's too awkward to do so) and that results in the average quality of the content of the group going down. Some of these groups have turned into hugboxes because the vibe is now that only praise is socially accepted. People in general have become scared of giving concrit even when it is specifically requested in these groups. People who want concrit are frustrated because they don't get any because people are too scared to give it, people who care about the quality of the comm content are frustrated because the quality of the content has gone down. How do you change a hugbox community into a fully functioning comm again? Is there a non violent communication version of concrit?

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

I really like this question, because constructive criticism is an idea that I see people deeply value. It’s also an idea I see people use to claim amnesty for their giving of unsolicited advice. So where is the right place for criticism? It seems to me like you’re saying that the community you participated in used to be a place where you could grow and develop your craft, and lately, and you’re feeling confused on how to proceed, because you’re not getting that need met, and because the attitude around offering criticism has changed, yeah? I’m reading another book on Nonviolent Communication called “Say What You Mean,” and the author talks about how to offer advice that both honours potential development and personal boundaries: “If […] you want to give someone advice, check first. Let them know: “I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you open to some advice?” This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice as a way of soothing your own anxiety” I think ideas that are helpful are usually better received when the advice giver demonstrates an understanding of the person they are advising first. When advice is hastily offered, without showing care and understanding of who you’re offering advice to, then it seems to do less with the person you’re trying to advise, and more to do with your own projections.

@itsalwayshalloweenexceptwh5118 Год назад

@@eatyourkimchi Yes, correct, you've understood the issues and my question. “I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you open to some advice?” this seems like it should work and is quite polite. Many have tried this before in situations in communities where the community rules stated that concrit was allowed as a default, but not allowed when the poster said "no concrit", and the post they were making this comment on didn't say "no concrit" but also didn't ask for concrit but the content they posted would generally be considered in need of improvement. However, some people consider the phrase as rude, because it could be taken to mean "there's something wrong with your content". And then the OP could feel obligated to take the concrit because they could feel they would look bad if they declined it. I generally avoid such posts because as much as I want to help people improve I don't want to hurt their feelings, or be perceived as rude myself, or start drama or grow a reputation for not taking other people's feelings into account. To be clear I would never give concrit if someone said they didn't want it. I can also recognize when I want to give concrit and it's more about my needs (so I can be relieved that I gave it) or if it's truly something I want to do for their sake. So I guess I'm still kind of stuck not knowing how to proceed in certain groups. When concrit is allowed no-one gives it because they don't want to seem rude and even the kindest most respectful approach could be seen as rude. At the same time the more I ignore those posts the more I contribute to the current comm culture. Some have said that the only solution is to just start offering concrit again using that polite phrase. But these people themselves are too scared to do so 😅

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Yeah, I can understand what you’re saying there with the lack of clarity on whether the poster genuinely welcomes concrit or not, and the challenge of appearances: it looks bad on behalf of the poster who doesn’t welcome concrit, and bad on the person who offers unsolicited concrit. I would guess, then, that a safe question to ask in this position would be a DM to the poster, asking them what they’re looking for in posting their content. We can’t read the minds of people and know what they’re needing, and so posting something in that forum, without clear requests, would prove challenging, so I can understand your avoidance of those posts. I’ve enjoyed this thought experiment here with the situation you’re sharing. Thanks for posting, not only once, but twice, and to keep my brain going on the subject. Some people feel very strongly about an unalienable right to criticize, and I find trying to engage with those comments not very fruitful, while discussing the subtleties of when criticism is welcome in this situation has been fun. Thank you ❤️

@itsalwayshalloweenexceptwh5118 Год назад

@@eatyourkimchi Thank you as well, and thank you for that solution.

@Kiwi3890 Год назад

Radically-Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT) is a type of therapy that treats disorders of overcontrol, where individuals exhibit a level of self-control that interferes with their ability to function effectively, connect with others, and be flexible when needed. RO DBT typically includes individual therapy and skills classes. RO DBT is especially effective for mental health concerns such as anorexia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or treatment-resistant anxiety and depression. What is RO DBT? RO DBT is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy developed by Thomas R. Lynch that targets disorders of overcontrol, such as certain eating disorders and anxiety disorders. RO DBT is unique in that it has a focus on social signaling as the format for change. This is done by teaching people about using and reacting to verbal and nonverbal social cues, as well as the importance of mirror neurons as a mechanism to build on. There are three core concepts that guide treatment in RO DBT: Receptivity and openness to new situations and experiences: being able to try new things and to learn from the feedback and experiences one has. Flexible-control: representing an ability to adapt to changing situations. Focus on social connection and intimacy

@Space_Princess Год назад

Love these videos! This subject has been one of my interests for the past 3-4 years now. I love how you speak about this topic too and the books your recommend

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Oh wonderful! I'm glad you dig em, and that you're a fan of Nonviolent Communication as well. Hooray! How are you finding working with NVC?

@Space_Princess Год назад

@@eatyourkimchi you are very welcome! I'm finding it quite easy as I am a very heart centered person naturally but it does come with some challenges. For example, as someone who has been through 20+ years of domestic abuse and other forms of trauma, when we think we are being non-violent with our communication we are sometimes actually being passive aggressive or we are being inauthentic with ourselves/others in order to avoid being violent. That in and of itself comes with a few issues. how I see it is, non-violent communication is a learning process and I feel it's about being authentically you with your own individual opinions/values while learning how to communicate them in a way that isn't violent and knowing when to not say something without silencing yourself completely. There has been a question that has popped up for me through this journey so far: Is non-violent communication completely possible? Because what isn't violent to someone may be considered as violent to someone else if they have an unhealed wound/trauma. So in my conclusion, it may be impossible to be 100% non violent with our communication because it's all a matter of ones perspective and values. However, in my opinion, that doesn't mean we shouldn't try and continue to learn better ways of communication with each other and towards ourselves 🙏🏻💕

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Interesting. What I’m hearing here (and I’m trying to guess here, so please let me know if I’ve missed the mark) is that it sounds like NVC can be challenging when you have feelings and needs that you’re not addressing, in order to try to maintain compassion and empathy with the person you’re speaking to, and sometimes your use of NVC comes with hints of - maybe - demands? In NVC, if we’re in need of empathy, it’s hard for us to hold space for others, and doing so can be inauthentic to ourselves, and damaging to others. As for whether NVC is possible if both participants are dealing with their own triggers and traumas, from how I’ve understood NVC, holding space for others is very difficult when we’re in need of empathy. If someone feels hurt, it’ll be difficult for them to be present for others, as they’ll be present with their own pain. I know for myself, at these times, I just ask to postpone the conversation for a bit, until I feel in a better space to have it. I can acknowledge the other person’s desire to connect and to express what’s alive in them, and I can also share with them that I don’t think I’ll be able to offer them the presence and attention that they deserve at that moment, and express that I’d love to reconnect in - say - a couple hours, once I’ve done some things to offer myself some self-compassion. NVC doesn’t work for me when there’s a sense of urgency, where both of us feel that there’s a need to express ourselves immediately and that the other person must immediately be ready to accept what we’re saying. I rambled a bit there. Thanks for opening up this topic and for getting me to think about it. I wonder how this sits with you :D

@Kat-yq6vw Год назад

Love you Simon, I’m so excited to grow along with your new content!! You use to bring us together with food, now you’re doing the same with showing us more options to our communication styles :’-) always so proud of you.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Well this is lovely to read. Thank you! I’ve got a couple new communication things I’m going to talk about in the next video series I’m working on. It’s great stuff! I hope you like it as well ❤️

@aliciap2555 Год назад

Simon, thank you for posting this. Words cannot adequately express how much your words resonate with what I have felt for years. That is not to say I have mastered this art. I appreciate this piece of kindness and know it will help confirm what many feel but may not know how to put into words.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

I’m so glad this resonated with you, and I share your joy here. I, personally, felt such a relief when I first got into ideas of Nonviolence, and was floored by how much it aligned with what I was feeling. This book gave me the language and framework to describe what I was alive in me, and to express my higher values.

@indigothecat Год назад

A response to the question at 23:52 ! Hopefully I'm not too long winded. 😜 Both ContraPoints (Natalie Wynn) and Philosophy Tube (Abigail Thorn) have made videos surrounding the concepts of justice and violence. Thorn created the video ""Violence & Protest," and Wynn has made several videos that reference the topic if not out-right discuss it, in particular the Justice" and "Violence" essays. The idea being that we need a combination of both violent and non-violent approaches to bring upon social change. Some level of discomfort is required for change to occur. To confirm, both of these creators advocate for talking, understanding, and non-violent approaches, but they also both are not so naive as to believe that violence is never called for and never effective. They even take it a step further to admit that the desire for retribution may be psychological ingrained, even a survival instinct in the worst of circumstances. When a lion kills a gazelle, we recognize it as violence, but we don't usually ascribe morality to the action. We usually say, "It's bad for the gazelle, but the lion's just trying to survive." However, I recognize that humans are not lions nor gazelles, and you're not discussing things like revolution, but rather interpersonal disagreements. To bring my point a little bit more in line with this video, I think non-violent communication produces an excellent starting point for encouraging change in another, but it requires a level of finesse beyond merely being a good listener and not passing judgement. They should feel safe enough to express themselves, but not so comfortable as to assume that you're supportive of their views, and that's where there can be trouble. I like to reference Robin DiAngelo's book and work with "White Fragility" here. In discussions of racism (or any "-ism") she's had in the past with many different inclusivity and diversity work-shops, there have been people who respond to her corrections and feedback with hostility and fear, some even claiming that they feel attacked, threatened, or unsafe. There is always a risk of this type of response when you give someone feedback, correction, or a different point of view, but if we hope for change, we have to do more than just listen to them. Both you and the other person must be willing to hold the discomfort and have the difficult dialogue if there is to be progress and potential for change. You are correct that change tends to be more easy when the individuals in disagreement have found common ground. One of the most powerful yet underestimated common grounds is being from the same family! Tribal Unity is almost universally seen as valuable, and while it's not always possible, focusing on your relationship as family can be the carabiner needed to hold two individuals together during a disagreement. The last reference I will make is to Lindsay Ellis's video "How to Survive (and maybe even engage?) Your Family This Thanksgiving." The TL;DR on that video is: when in political/social disagreement with family, don't be a jerk, but don't roll over and submit either.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Thank you for the very thorough response. Let me see if I understand what you're saying here. I think you're suggesting that violence is the same as discomfort, and - as such - discomfort is necessary for change. In politics and in interpersonal relationships, we can't just acquiesce to everyone, and - as a result - we may need to be violent to prevent that from happening. Am I getting that right? Please let me know if I'm misunderstanding you here. If I am getting you right, I'd like to add some clarity here. Expressing discomfort isn't considered violent. We can express what is alive in us, what we're feeling, in nonviolent terms. We can explain what our bodies are feeling, what memories are arising, what conditioning we've received, all without expressing judgment, criticism, blame, or shame, or trying in any way to tell others to be other than what they are. Yes, you can have disagreements with others, and you can do so, nonviolently, without submitting to others as well. While I'm still reading up on politics and nonviolence, my current position is that, politically, I feel resistance to the idea of being "naive to believe that violence is never called for," and concern that the permission of some violence blurs the distinction as to when violence is not called for. And I think this distinction comes from what we define as violence. I still stick to my definition of it. I think judgment, blame, shame, criticism, advice, moralizing, enforcing normatively, are all forms of violence, and cause harm. When we try to control others, instead of trying to control ourselves, to rule others instead of displaying the change we want to see in the world, we cause harm that we'll have to pay for in the future. Violence may be effective in bringing about change as well; I don't doubt that violence makes things happen, but violence does so at a cost that's too expensive. I believe compassion, love, nurturing, and nonviolence, can bring about change without resulting in damage to others. How does that sit with you?

@indigothecat Год назад

@@eatyourkimchi I think that seeing the word violence as an umbrella term rather than a catch all concept could be useful. I like to further use examples of Robin DiAngelo discussing white fragility, where she offers a gentle correction on a racist way an attendee was talking about someone. That same attendee told her she felt attacked over that correction and tried to rally the rest of the group in protest. I think I may be moving beyond the initial topic of discussion, but where I get stuck in this discussion is that there doesn't seem to be much instruction on the "how." That is, how do we actively demonstrate that we are not OK with a statement or behavior, especially when it involves something like bigotry or the other person's violence? (Sometimes actual threats being involved.) Bigotry can also be quite sophisticated, and tie itself in knots to be justified in spite of explanations and begging for empathy from the instigator. (They tend to use the word "defense" a lot. Defending Religion, Defending Freedom, Defending Children, Defending Marriage.) This is where consequences come into play, too. For some people, kindness, understanding, and patience is enough to turn them around. For others, as long as they can get away with it, they will keep doing it, and what happens when their target is someone who cannot defend themselves? Is it rational to accuse someone of violent communication when they tell someone that if they continue to say racist slurs that they will no longer associate with them? It's a common disciplinary technique for children. Once they know the rules, if they break one, remind them of the rule, give them a chance to alter their own behavior. If they choose not to and keep breaking it, they go into time-out. They experience a direct, negative consequence. Obviously harder to do with adults, but to wrap this up, here is my thesis/summary/conclusion/thingy on the subject at hand. There are definitely times when it pays dividends to approach someone who cares about you and is more on the fence with lots of patience and empathy in spite of bad behavior or statements. However, I also believe that sometimes hard lines need to be drawn with negative consequences. Whether a huge, socio-political event, or a one-on-one personal disagreement, it's important to set boundaries and expectations. Failure to do so can lead to even more resentment and discord long term.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Thanks for taking the time to respond again. I appreciate this discussion we’re having. I’m feeling a bit confused here, though, and could use some clarity. I’m having difficulty understanding the difference between violence as an umbrella or a catch all, and what that difference offers. Can you help me understand what’s your understanding of violence, and how it differs from mine? My idea of violence is when we try to control or coerce others. What I’m hearing is that you’re interested in the “how” when it comes to speaking with Nonviolent Communication. Understanding the difference between violence and nonviolence is one thing, but knowing how to speak with nonviolence is another. So, how can we Nonviolently express our discomfort with other people’s violence? Is that the question you’re asking? If so, then I can answer that! The second part of this video on @simonsbookclub goes over the process. I’ll go over it briefly here: 1) Express an observation divorced from judgment. In this case, we can say “When I heard you say that you don’t trust people who aren’t white” instead of “When you were racist.” Step 1 is to express something that happened. As soon as judgment of another person’s action is introduced, then we’re speaking with violence. 2) Express what we’re feeling as linked to the observation. We can say “I felt scared” or “I felt uneasy.” Feelings are internal, related to ourselves, and not representing something external to us, like “I felt ignored” or “I felt that you were an asshole.” 3) Express what need we have that isn’t being met, which is causing this feeling in us. “I felt scared, because my need for emotional safety isn’t being met,” or “I felt hopeless, because I really need harmony in my life.” 4) We express what request we have, in positive action language. Instead of asking people what NOT to do, we ask them something they CAN do, like “Can we share a coffee next week, and talk about this book I’ve read,” or “can you tell me of a time you remember when you felt comfortable with a non-white person.” Or something along those lines. Each situation is different, of course, and I’m not offering here a set of phrases that can be repeated that will cure the world of racism. This method of conversation is between two people, so they can understand each other and come to a means of being connected. It’s not overreaching at the political level, which often masks new forms of violence, i.e. one group has been hurt by another, and want to control and coerce the others to prevent future hurts, but do so in a way that hurts as well. I’m reminded of the quote by Freire “when education isn’t liberating, the dream of the oppressed is to become the oppressor.” The spirit of Nonviolent Communication is to keep ourselves compassionate and open, so that we can stay with what’s alive in us, and what’s alive in others as well.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

As for consequences, I often think they come in the spirit of punishment and violence. In the case of someone constantly saying racial slurs, then it’s up to you as to how much compassion you can offer someone. Before we can offer others compassion, though, we need to offer it to ourselves, and if we find that staying open and connected with someone is too difficult, then we need to offer ourselves compassion first, and give ourselves the self care we need to heal, so that we can have more resources to stay present and connected with others. There are healthy ways to establish boundaries with others, in ways that aren’t punitive. I’m fond of the DEARMAN approach to boundary setting, especially because the establishing of boundaries doesn’t sound like a punishment or disavowal of someone. I’m not fond of Time-Outs for children. I’ll quote Gabor Mate here “Parents are very often taught that the way you socialize kids is you frustrate their needs. The child has a need to experience all of their emotions. ALL OF THEIR EMOTIONS. What happens when parents listen to any number of bestselling psychologists who tell the parents ‘child’s angry? Time out’? What happens when the message that the child gets is ‘if you have a certain emotion, you’re on your own. Your attachment to this relationship no longer exists until you come back to what we think is normal’? The child learns ‘in order to attach, I have to sacrifice my authenticity’” I know parents don’t like that quote very much and defend their use of timeouts, but I side with Mate on this one. I’m more interested in connecting with people as they truly are in that moment, with me holding space and presence, for exploring what’s alive in them with curiosity and compassion, for as long as I can before I become overwhelmed, and exploring it all nonviolently, without judgment, without discipline, shaming, moralizing, criticizing, shoulding, or pressuring people into normativity. How does that all sit with you? I’m feeling a bit fidgety from my morning coffee, so I’m not sure if I answered your questions with as much grace as I’d like to, but I do enjoy this discussion we’re having, and thank you for the time you’ve spent here in talking with me. I think you’d like the Discord I’ve got going on, where I think we can discuss this in more depth, and get some other voices in on the conversation ❤️

@honeygoseyney2421 Год назад

Hi Simon, I really hope you read this comment because this is not (i hope) a shame and blame comment. Hehehe. I have been going therapy for 7 years, couple therapy included when i met my husband 4 years ago. We were married 1 year ago, but I noticed, as i learn more about love and discover non-violent communication, i realised that we have been caught up in very unhealthy behaviour. Our childhood trauma makes it very challenging take on non-violence communication because we kept projecting our trauma on each other. But recently, especially after my dad pass away, i am very2 committed to put an end to my generational trauma. In days to come, my husband has decided that we should get a divorce. And honestly, i feel so liberated. I really hope that moving forward, us both, can at our own pace heal and internalise NVC and put it to practice. Thanks so much for the reading recommendation. I really need these. And i am glad the universe has led me to your YT video!

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Wow! Thank you for taking the time to share and open up. I’m impressed that you were able to be aware of your projecting. I find that a rare ability. Really. But being aware of our own projections is a big step towards healing, and to process the unresolved traumas that are fueling those projections. I wish you strength there, as I know it’s a challenging. If you want to talk more about NVC, I’m here for it. I love this stuff, and want to share it as much as I can.

@Kat-yq6vw Год назад

Listening to a persons heart vs just their words. I’m going to really try to work on that.

@Jibar36075 Год назад

This is interesting. I feel like if we never say how someone's actions affect us it is not helpful either and seeing criticism as violence is not productive.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

I can understand your concern here, but I think that we can show how other people’s actions affect us, without doing so judgementally or critically. We can share what’s alive in us, without telling others that they should, must, ought to, or have to change, to make us feel better. I think we can also move away from a mindset that someone’s actions make us feel a specific way, so that we don’t interpret their actions as affecting us. I like to think of it this way: if you had a bad sleep, and then went to work and got stuck in traffic, had your boss yell at you all day, skipped your lunch, and then came home in thick traffic again, if your child says something you don’t like afterwards, it’s not your child’s words that affected you, but the whole cocktail of your day. In another situation, if you slept well, had bombastic sex upon waking up, a great breakfast, a slamming day at work, a great workout, and a connecting moment with friends, if your child says something you don’t like afterwards, those words aren’t going to affect you the same way, right? It’s not people’s actions that are the sole reasons for our reactions and responses. If we adapt a wider scope, we can be a lot more forgiving of the actions of others, and we can drop the idea that other people are “making us feel” a certain way.

@user-mr6nl8dg9v Год назад

Been following u since 2012....if u really want guidance with meditation, there is a living buddha called Mooji, currently living in Portugal but also freely available on youtube...I loved u guys, and met my wife in South Korea too when we were both teachers, and now we both live in ontario, so we are neighbours kinda....I really wish you well man, and hope meditation flowers in your life as it did in mine.

@jasmineisabella27 Год назад

I love Mooji

@truehope2344 Год назад

7:03 I catch myself doing this all the time, but then i try to back-track and understand that analyzing someone's true feelings and intentions can't be that easy😅 i often dont understand myself so how on earth can I be so sure I 100% understand someone else😂

@rosegirlz88 Год назад

Good job simon. Hang in there. I like this thoughtful message. It's good for the soul food

@Mya-fu7fy Год назад

I needed this video. Thank you. I've been learning about changing the way I speak to people in all aspects of my life. So, this was very much needed. Compassion is best.

@Asachara Год назад

violence and chaos push change and evolution. it is necessary for progression

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

You know, I agree with you in part, but not in whole. Violence and chaos do push change, without a doubt. It’s been driving so much of our development for so long. But just because it’s all that we’ve known, it doesn’t mean it’s the only answer. I do believe violence is sufficient for progression, but I don’t believe it’s necessary for it. There are other ways to progress. You can’t make your flowers grow faster by yanking on them. I believe that change and evolution can come through a nurturing approach, and I believe it’ll come with less damage to the people we’re trying to change, as the damage we cause can very well undo the progress we’ve been making.

@Asachara Год назад

i agree with that and i did think about it after i posted that there are times of creation without violence in history. it ebbs and flows. thank u

@DebbieDonovan-jb9se Год назад

Simon, my husband deleted all my subscriptions on RU-vid. I'm so glad I found this video so I can re-subscribe. Enjoyed the video. Keep up the good work!

@Emma-Maze Год назад

what the heck? why ._.

@vonlipi Год назад

Simon…sending you healing vibes and big hugs. I wish you well

@Wooplot Год назад

You still have your sense of humour Simon ☺☺😃😃

@blipblap614 Год назад

12:00 I found Gabor Maté and Alain de Botton supremely helpful for "shadow work." Ironically, people with strong moral beliefs about freedom can be the most demanding of others. If you don't have time to watch them, I would summarize the life lesson as: You never know what other people are going through.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

I'm interested in this idea that people with strong moral beliefs about freedom being demanding of others. Can you help me understand that a bit better? As in, the people who feel strongly about their own freedom try to control others more, or is it that their beliefs in freedom make it challenging for others to follow their ethic of freedom? And I agree with you on the lesson. We truly don't know what's going on in other people. I've been finding people unwilling to ask or to try to even know, and found them more willing to heap their own projections on others.

@wolfeabroad758 Год назад

I've always really like the way Simon presents things, because he doesn't just state facts he's memorized or read paragraphs off a page. You can tell as he's saying it he's still thinking about the topic, re-analyzing it again and again and really trying to understand it and then convey those thoughts to his audience. I also very much agree with this whole topic. While most people may think of "Violence" as yelling, name calling or physical altercations, it is very much a deeper reality. I can no longer watch 'Everyone Loves Raymond' because of the similarities between the show and my family. The snarky, underhanded, nasty and rude comments that are meant to make people laugh give me a high level of anxiety. I'm 34 and I remember things being said to me when I was 8 that stuck with me till this day and still make me break down into tears or immediately feel angry. Luckily these actions caused me to be overly compassionate towards others, while some people who's had similar experiences, it made them very bitter and angry with the world and everyone in it. Even if I 100% do not agree with someone, I do my best to understand their point of view and why exactly they feel the way they do. If it's not a life or death situation, I let the sh** go. Because you may not be shouting in someone's face, but words can really hurt. And yes you do have to have some level of toughness. You can't cry about every side eye look thrown your way, but I feel like people really need to think and re-evaluate before they just start stating every thought that passes through their heads. Because this kinda stuff can really ruin someone's life.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Thank you for your empathy and understanding here. I can very much relate to you when it comes to trying to watch media now. TV shows and movies portray such violence, not just physical, but verbal. I feel so very uncomfortable now when I see actors insulting and judging each other so much, and I’m saddened by the communication it models.

@MarineBioLo Год назад

Loved this video Simon :) I respect putting in work to be a better person to oneself and to others, and it’s nice to see it shared!

@MarkandMarie Год назад

Lol, Yes. Vampire Super Mario impression is flawless. xD (Yes, old enough to get the Dave Chapell/Rick James reference. lolol) Women have been asking that second question for MANY, MANY years I'd like to point out. (Personally I feel like this is a short sight of the Male author's assumptions about cognition and communication.) This second question is the basis for that argument, "I don't want you to do the dishes because I asked you to do the dishes, I want you to WANT to do the dishes." In most cases our drive and want for support around the house (and really in our relationships as a whole) isn't actually based in the fact that we want someone to take work off of us, but rather we want the PARTNER with which we live to realized and identify as one of the FULLY GROWN AND CAPABLE ASS PEOPLE WHO ALSO LIVE IN THIS HOUSE AND EAT OFF DISHES. We want you to "want" to do the dishes because you have, without our outside suggestion, realized that you are PART of the PARTNERSHIP that equally takes responsibility for the UPKEEP and "housekeeping" of the relationship. Dishes is just a very basic example of any number of things that this is true for. (I'm also not suggesting that this doesn't actually happen in all spectrum of gender relationships, just pointing out that this concept isn't exactly as "rare" as the author likes to claim it is. The author falls into the bad habit of assuming that all genders function cognitively the way his studies (mostly male subjects) do.)

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

I think the Dishes analogy works here in some ways. I think the message in both is that, though an understanding of interdependence and connectedness, emerges the idea that taking care of others is also taking care for ourselves. We’re not alone in this world, solo heroes of the stories of our lives, with other people acting as minor characters to simply serve us; instead, we’re all a part of this together, and helping each other helps ourselves. This is why asking to help with the dishes, I imagine, results in frustration, because you’re wanting to see that sense of connection and consideration honoured - not for them to do the dishes because you asked them to, and because they don’t want to piss you off and make an enemy of you in their story.

@divineloveandlight3659 Год назад

I’m Rick James Bitch 😂😂😂

@jordanjohn01 Год назад

Awesome video Simon. The only solution for hate is love. A lesson so few truly understand.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Amen to that. Hate and violence won’t solve hate and violence. Love and acceptance is the only way.

@jadisonica1083 Год назад

I am so happy for you that you sound like you are healing, and growing as a human being. Don't listen to the violent language that you get. No one really knows what happened between you and her. You sound like you are on the path to enlightenment.

@bim9253 Год назад

Keep going! ^_^ Your work is very interesting .

@dyzhaz4363 Год назад

I Love how you transition so seamlessly between serious and more spiritual side into more relaxed and playful one. 🙂 Much LOVE muj Polski brat.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Dzienkuje! (did I spell that right?)

@dyzhaz4363 Год назад

@@eatyourkimchi Yes you got it 🙂

@carriee.9712 Год назад

Really hope you’re doing well. 😊

@mydarlingnight Год назад

First ✨

@6lu5ky86 Год назад

You're a cool one. Love ya.

@I_am_Lauren Год назад

Simon, if you haven't discovered ecstatic dance yet, I think you would LOVE it!

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

I did, in fact! I’ve gone to a couple here in Portugal. I don’t participate in them as much as I’d like to, though, whenever I go, I always leave feeling great. Have you been to many?

@simonsays525 Год назад

Hi Simon! My name is also Simon and I'm so happy that you've found nonviolent communication! NVC has had a profound impact on my life too, so much so that I now work as a conflict coach and mediator helping others connect and create harmony in their relationships. Good luck with it!

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Oh wow! That’s very cool. I’d love to hear how you use NVC in conflict mediation.

@dark.moon.butterfly Год назад

🤣🤣🤣

@simonsays525 Год назад

@@eatyourkimchi I think Marshall touches on mediation in his book. But the most basic way I can describe it is I help people express their feelings and needs and hear each other’s feelings and needs without hearing any criticism or demands. Then once all the needs are heard, I help them find strategies to meet all the needs.

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Thank you for writing back and for sharing your process. Rosenberg outlines something similar in his book as well, and he suggests that, as soon as both parties can express the needs of the other party fairly, then both sides can come to a resolution within 20 minutes. Getting people to understand each other usually takes a lot longer than that, as both are in need of empathy. Do you find conflicts resolve quickly once you help them understand their needs, or was that part of the book kind of an overstatement?

@simonsays525 Год назад

@@eatyourkimchi I find that statement of Marshall's to be true, and the fine print matters here because what do we mean by "hear the needs of the other party?" We can hear someone else's need(s) with our head, and even repeat back the words they are saying, but it's dry and lacks emotion. The connection only happens when we hear the need with our heart. That is to say that we see the beauty in the need of the other person and connect to their humanity. As you noted, getting to that point might take a while depending on the context, but once the connection is formed, then yes, it doesn't take long to figure out what to do. I've also been quite amazed at the power of empathy and how quickly a shift can happen. Want to have a chat about NVC? I'd be down to connect with you if you're up for it as I love talking about this stuff. If not, that's cool too. Here's my email, swiskowski@me.com.

@verita69 Год назад

Yeiii! The old Simón si coming back 🥳 loved your latest videos

@beatricedubois7377 Год назад

Hi Simon, I’m so sorry about what you’re going through and excited about your growth. Hang in there.

@amymee5775 Год назад

Wow Simon you look so good! thank you for these books. sending love and happy vibes to you! Stay Awesome! and GOD Bless YOU!!GoodMan!!

@Wooplot Год назад

Hi Simon.

@saturngirl84 Год назад

Simon look lot healthier congratulations to him 👏

@chrisvirtuoso Год назад

I really liked this video. Some of us are not so uncomfortable with a change of pace in your content, and can objectively evaluate your content without constantly invoking nostalgia and "the good old days".

@mariafrias2500 Год назад

Inspiring 😊

@MrsCanepa Год назад

I hadn’t checked the channel in awhile and see this video- unexpectedly good for my soul. Thank you SO much, Simon!! I used to be a pretty angry person for reasons I’m not going to divulge aside from the summary of that I’m now a DA Survivor. Went through my separation and still going through the divorce process. I lived in Okinawa at the time it started and COVID lockdown hit. Had a whooooole lot of time for soul searching, therapy and working on myself. I will DEFINITELY be adding this book to the top of my list to start reading next, and have joined the Discord. 🫶🏼 Can’t wait to see this part of the community grow! Here’s to 2023 and the never ending journey continuing to enlighten and improve ourselves!

@eatyourkimchi Год назад

Awesome! I'm glad that this video resonated with you, and thank you for joining the Discord! Please do share your reading journey with Nonviolent Communication: I love talking about it with anyone and everyone, so - as soon as you start with the book - I'd love to hear what parts resonate with you ❤️