One friend divorced her abusive husband only for him to tell her how very much he missed her. She asked what he missed about her and he said, "Your California hamburgers." Needless to say, she did not go back.
The hamburgers sure were very well cooked. I hope she took it as a compliment. Narcissists hardly ever give compliments. But I know she wanted to hear that he loves her (but even those sentence is tricky with a narcissist - because you always have to translate it: I love to use you --- and here we are with the Hamburger-cooking).
Sounds about right! They want the awesome things about you while they cheat on us! My ex needed a cook, maid, and free a. E. X. Which he thogutn was awesome and still needed people on the side. It’s a hole that will never be filled with them! Never
My covert narcissist neighbor hovered me after four years of no contact. Wanted to walk my dog, “it’s the only dog my dog likes”, etc. Still wouldn’t take no as an answer. Blocked.
Yes, usually, but I’ve seen, firsthand, dramatic cognitive change after I threatened divorce to force therapy. Still wait for the consistent behavioural change though.
I go off their actions only. Nothing else. When someone does the song and dance of how much they are in love with you, etc, but not doing the simplest of errands, they don't care.
After the first rage and begging to be forgiven I asked this question. I got a blank stare. I knew then I was dealing with someone who isn’t playing with a full deck. Took a year, but I’m free and healing.
You've really hit the nail on the head. They think they can use words to charm their target. That's because it often works for needy lonely codependent people
He just constantly continues to kill me with kindness because I still am an object that has something he wants, not needs, and I know his VILE and DISGUSTING behaviors, plus he doesn't want me to be more successful than him.
@@Sheri-sb1yr I know how outraged you feel now but believe Mr if you rotk in your OWN recovery in a short time you will feel completely indifferent to him snd then you'll be free Recovery doesn't mean like recovering from flu. It means reassessing your whole life thru the lens of this person who you were attracted to. You need to looked exactly what you thought you would get from this relationship and then really be honest about why you stayed despite numerous disappointments snd painful situations caused by him in the relationship. Then think snout which of your parents or close family members when you were a child treated you the same way
@mammadingo9165 no not stupid, they are really really convincing and can fool people. Plus if you are kind and loving you are coming from a good place, don't blame yourself.
The narcissists will go right back to manipulating you, berating you, tearing you down, blame shifting, projecting and then gaslighting you by saying it’s not real. As a matter of fact, the ONLY thing that will change is the abuse will be turned up. It will be worse because you will have to be punished after all is said and done.
When I decided to take my ex narc back, he immediately diagnosed me in his head with a mental health disorder that I don't have. 8 months go by. In the last letter he wrote me before I went no contact, he told me that he used this to excuse all MY bad behavior 🙄
@@Hhaahland4 Borderline Personality Disorder. Many years ago I witnessed the suicide of my partner & was diagnosed with PTSD. I went through many years of weekly therapy to process the trauma. I worked hard and was very proud of myself for making it through such pain. He said he researched it & found out that most people with CPTSD also have BPD, so he made his fake diagnosis. Completely bonkers. I'm overall a very calm person who uses the tools I learned in therapy to handle difficult situations. He was one of the most deregulated emotional human I've ever met. Pure projection.
@@kellyandaaron2005 That’s what the narcissistic ex husband of a former friend of mine did, he told everyone she had borderline personality disorder. He even got an acquaintance tell child protection services that my friend posed a threat to herself and their child, so the boy was taken away from her and placed in his “care”. My friend was damaged and an easy target, because she had lost her brother through suicide. Even though I only met her about a year after the abduction (there is no other way to describe how the child was ripped away from her care) of her 5 year old child, I could tell she is a very gentle woman who wouldn’t hurt a fly. She’s a former friend now, because since my son died I can no longer deal with her problems.
@@kellydalstok8900 Absolutely heartbreaking 💔 These people are monsters. I'm incredibly thankful that I didn't have children with my ex. It would have been a nightmare.
The most consistently mind blowing thing that happens whenever I watch these types of videos is how my eyes will open so wide and my jaw drops to the floor when I hear something that happened to me that is EXACTLY the phrase or situation being talked about as a common narcissistic behavior. Sometimes I think I understand the concept well enough to spot it, and then I realize how much just goes right over my head. I value people who are willing to walk others through this stuff because the layers are quite baffling. Thanks for the video
@Midnightmagic_ Yep, once you get to know more about narcissists behavior you start to learn they become quite predictable. My first ex called me up out of the blue after 12 years divorced and she tells me "I've changed and I'm so sorry for how I treated you!"....And a part of me wanted to believe her even though I had no desire to ever get back with her again, but I was happy to hear her apologize for once and that maybe she really did change. Long story short, she did change alright, but for the worse! She was very upset I didn't want her back and was more narcissistic than ever. These people are pretty much not able to change. I'm convinced.
@@IKARIANOFFICIAL dang, sorry you had to go through that. totally get wanting to believe your ex changed, but also very on brand that things got worse. it's hard to make that decision whether to detach completely or cut them some slack. I think you're right about them not changing. Best I've heard is that they can learn tools to know when it's time to self-correct, but the secret ingredient that's missing is empathy, and everything falls apart without that. I hope you find someone worth the wait
I went no contact with my best friend because of his constant enabling of his highly toxic and narcissist wife. This response to hoovering attempts is what I've been desperately looking for. Merci !!!
"My life is empty without you" is NOT what I want to hear. I take responsibility for living a fulfilling life. I'm not interested in getting together with someone who's not enough of a grownup to do the same.
The one I got was "I'm miserable here and I don't want to go on in this weird world without you." I wasn't sure how that type of message helps in any way with how they lied to me and wronged me.
@@coininban Seriously. Like any of this has anything to do with us or what was done to us. The best response is always dead air, but I would be very tempted to respond to the implied suicide threat with "Okay."
Completely correct, only interoception on their part would lead to a way forward. Its highly unlikely. Asking for the winning lottery numbers is a better question. 😂
I walked away few times, not knowing nothing about narcissism yet.. It was just simple common sence. And I witnessed results of going many times, paying very dearly for it Thank you for a tip I'll try not forget it. That is the key ingredient, I think
I'm a narcissist magnet. Once I break off a friendship with one of these individuals, they let some years elapse before trying again. The incident that caused the breakup is never alluded to. No apologies are offered. Instead, they call me up, out of the blue, with some horrendous story. One ex-friend said she'd just adopted her neighbor's 3 children after their mother was murdered by their father. (This turned out to be a complete fabrication; neither the neighbors nor their children even existed.) Another former friend phoned after 5 years to tell me about being attacked outside a gay bar and nearly killed. This story was true, but the fact that he used it to get my pity and try to rope me back in was pretty weird. Both of these people wanted to avoid having to admit they'd been wrong, and tried to distract me by describing their involvement in dreadful incidents. (Interestingly, in one of them, the narcissist was a hero. In the other, a victim.) Don't let people do this to you! Apologizing for bad behavior won't guarantee that a person's NOT a narcissist, but if they can't even get that far, simply end the conversation as soon as you can, and avoid all further contact.
"They think words are magic spells or something, if you just get the right combination"... 😂😂😅😅😂😄🤣😂🙃🙂 oh my goodness, Darren! you can absolutely be hilarious!!
Yep! No admission of wrong-doing = no repentance = SSDD! Narcissism is such an awful waste of time and lives! Darren, this video is your best crack-up yet! I never heard 'crap' said with an Irish accent before...
What you said near the conclusion rings true: I was asked if I wouldn't like to give hi/us another chance. I said no. Because I had already given a million chances in the course of our 13 years together. I wouldn't as that question you suggested because I already knew the answer: Nothing.
This was a Helpful Conversation…I think an important aspect to this (that I have experienced myself) is it does not matter how many years it has been since you were in the relationship - decades even. I believe the narc is always trying to fill in the gaps where they are bored or not in a relationship presently and if you come in contact you look like a new prospect (for 5 minutes. ) Do not fall for it !! That is why this question was Grand ( even if you do not ask it, I Love the thought for considering it and probably answering for yourself that Nothing would change - or maybe be worse because now the Narc is older.) The part that I do think is WORTHY to keep mentioning…is the dang love bombing…wow someone acting like they are head over heals, flowers, etc should not have to be a red flag.
I've been asked 4 times and the question in my mind if I'm asked again has been very much like this...what will you change, what will you do differently...because I know that the change MUST come from them. Of course I now know that she will neer truly change so I'm out of there for good. Oh, and I'm happy now!
I asked the narcissist who was in my life the question, "If I did just what I know about to you what you did to me, would you give me another chance?" Her response: 🤨 My response: 🤣
That is familiar. My ex had photos of his exes on display... I asked him 'what would you think if I did the same?' He replied 'I would think you were weird' 😂
Darren, this is a really helpful video for me. Thank you so much! I didn't know what narcissism is until last week, but thank God I kept standing up to him and was on my way out of the relationship after only 3 months. I hadn't yet heard what hoovering is, but that's what he just did to me IMMEDIATELY after I signed and notarized the annulment papers... but the next week he dropped me cold with his #1 specialty, the silent treatment. That was painful in a 'cured me' kind of way. Thank God! 😅
It is a very thought provoking question. Although I am unable to leave, it helps me clarify how I have to behave to have even a few moments of peace. It makes the need for radical acceptance even more evident. Your analysis and explanation are powerful and presented in the kindest way. Thank you.
There is one person that no matter what nice things they do or gifts they try to give, it is now all tainted by that I don't trust them and don't feel comfortable while they are about.
One of the best videos about narcissisam. So SPOT On.... So crucial ...Every word resonates. It will be just new reprolise of love bombing for few months, 🤯...until , One day, you discover .... that something sinister is happening (all that time) , behind your back... Some , property deals, guertilla pregnancies, secret spendings, career changes, or ... who knows what. 👍👌👏👏👏
This is so precise!! All of this, literally every example- happened to me. Its shocking to hear, but also tells me I was right to walk away. I also asked, when he attempted hoovering a few months ago; what would be different? Have you been to therapy? He said; I want things to be exactly how they were. I answered "that will not be working for me, and I am not interested'
I guessed the question correctly in advance! That is... what has changed? Any signs of taking responsibility? Not boasting, just realizing that I've had lots of hands on practice that's helping me to learn the ropes of the narcissist's ways.
In an inspired moment, sat down one day and figured out my point of no return. I told him the boundary and kept trying up to the point he crossed it and held him to it. Best thing I could have done.
They want to go back to the same way it was when they were happy. Regardless of how anyone else was impacted or felt about it. Regardless how crazy. I'm keenly reminded of turning 18 and GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE, and upset pop was, it seemed to me like he wanted me to go back to 12...
My ex was messaging acting so kind and caring again (after almost killing me) I replied that I was very sick and it could be life threatening…you may think this was terrible and I would never usually say this to anyone! But in this case I wanted to prove how my exes love was absolute BS. I sent the message, it took a long time to get a reply and the reply was not standard or normal. It demonstrated that my ex didn’t even care if I died. They just want you for convenience and benefits. If you’re gone and dead then you’re not very beneficial and they will jump ship.
my favorite comeback nothing is ever your fault, what is the last time you said sorry for anything ? than laugh and walk away a question they never answer and laughing makes them crazy because they want to control and manipulate, you did not give them the reaction they wanted
I was emotionally abused by my father as a child and I carried this behavior into my marriage. It damaged my wife. A lot of what I did looked like narcissistic behavior. I don't know if I have that or not, but I feel awful for not getting help sooner. I acknowledged my harms without reservation. I am now in therapy, sober, going to AA meetings, and have scheduled an inpatient treatment center to heal my past traumas. Unfortunately, too little too late. I miss my wife terribly.
You're on the right path by cleaning your own stuff up. Proof of change takes time and some longevity. Try to focus on your healing now, let go and let God... love is like a butterfly, if you let it go and it comes back to you, then its truly yours. You will become a new person doing the inner work. And you need to focus on you not you and someone else to get the most out of it. If I were her, best thing I could think of as amends from you at this point, would be you to offer and pay for any kind of therapy I felt would benefit me most to recover from the harm you caused. That could with time give you an opportunity in the future, BUT don't expect it, your concern should be her happiness with or without you. Same for yourself. Much love.❤
@@evilbarbie2160I loved your comment, very astute and insightful! I can tell you are very intelligent and empathetic to others while being compassionate to yourself. I hope you are living your best life. God Bless you. I don’t think you are evil Barbie at all! 🙏❤️
@@jeriwoodrow5855 thank you for your kind words. Still working on redefining and living my best life. The name has always been an adults only "grown up" inside joke. I could be a devastatingly effective narcissist with all my experiences being taken advantage by them... BUT I choose not to be like them, their actions are their choices, and there needs to be consequences.. I have to much empathy for others, and now I have hard limits on who receives it. But... no narcissist is safe from my abilities to call them out in a most humbling manner. Like Chronicles of Riddick, I'm a different kind of evil 😈 🤪
My mom would send a short "I love you" a few days before her birthday or before Christmas. I gave up asking for what I needed. The last time we spoke and she poo poo'd what I was sharing, I asked her, "could you not, just one time, say something like, "I'm happy for you", or just "good for you"? And she immediately replied, "NO! You are putting words in my mouth!" That's when I realized I would never hear a kind thing from her, ever. Bye bye. But apparently I'M the bad guy. 🙄
Thank you so much for your brilliant advice Darren. It's so hard to live with a person like this. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personalities that they have. Everyone is an object to them.
When I want people to answer their questions it’s not because I want to hear them. Most of the time I already knew the answers. I just needed to see them hear themselves speak out loud. The first change happens with the change of attitude.
Have you ever covered how a weak person can avoid a narcissist or what kind of person gets taken advantage of by narcissists? Might be helpful for weak people (to discover their weaknesses).
"If we get back together, what would be different? What would change?" For a manipulative abuser, that *is* an *easy* question to answer. They'll lie their ass off about how they'll totally treat you with respect and decency. Like they'll let you speak instead of talking over you, and they've got their explosive temper under control, and they'll put you first, and so on... Essentially whatever they think you want to hear. If they are good at what they do, they'll keep it up long enough to entrench themselves back into your life and make themselves very difficult and costly to remove from your life again, and then the facade will drop.
Always pay attention to their actions If they don't comply with their words, then it is time to leave... They do not change It is time for you to change your direction I have given a second chance, but not third The second chance was even worse In my humble opinion, you shouldn't give more than two chances In the end...it is you who is going to be hurt...cause they already have ready supplies waiting for them
No matter how many times she told me she would be ALONE after the break up, I knew she wouldn't. Saw her out 2 weeks after we broke up with her ex boyfriend. She had her new supply that quick.
@@clintonnagy1662 I can understand you.. Believe me.. He also had already a supply waiting.. 1 day after I left.. Everything he promised to me..went to her.. I totally now believe..that was the cause of him coming back..just to take revenge.. It's all about THEM Not about US I am so cold..now..cold as ice.. No more That was enough Enough is enough sometimes.. Believe me...if you think of the FACTS..you will get over it very quickly.. Put your mind first..not your heart in these cases
He went to Mexico for a year. YaY. He returned to the city, then came calls. Big offer, " you know you didnt progress in the year i was away, you need me, im willing to hug you if you can change and be nicer to me". He discarded me 3 yrs ago, and THIS is supposed to be enticing. HA!
Narcissistic abuse fallout can make someone completely avoid serious relationships or trusting people again, the instinct to feel loved or love becomes something to avoid altogether, love is the root of all evil
While I do believe anyone can change the question is, will they? My personal experience has shown me that the won't. My now deceased narcissistic father was the same right until the Iast that saw him before his health took a turn. He was 78 then. Okay? I was away from him and mother basically 30 years-military and college in another state- and they had only gotten older but still the same ways that drove me away. Okay? I read this, which basically summarizes it: "A snake only sheds its skin to become a bigger snake." Save yourself a lot of pain, frustration, disappointment, accept what is and, if you choose to, find someone who will respect and appreciate you.✌️
lol the part that stood out to me: “They’ll be so used to you doing their thinking and problem solving for them, that they’ll expect you to answer your own question.” 100%. They live on their own planet. There will never be an acknowledgment that they wrecked the relationship and are completely incapable of anything other than wrecking relationships. It’s a complete waste of time. There is no point in going back or entertaining their fanciful daydreams. I no longer respond to messages like these. I only respond to messages regarding the children. I have finally learned how to handle him. I WILL have a good life again, and I will not look back like Lot’s wife did….or like a fool to his folly… or like a dog returning to its vomit….lol the Bible has a lot of very descriptive analogies for going back to what almost destroyed you.
Sometimes the toxic person over time works at it to make you to be the narcissist and when their toxic comes out and discards then they act like they are the normal person and you are the one at fault with all the issues. Its like a setup after years together
He doesn't want to end, doesn't want to live, doesn't want to take responsibility doesn't want to take accountability. He label you victim mindset when you speak about emotional maturity, self-reflection, empathy and kindness.. They lack so many skills and qualities which makes us human hence run for your life once you recognize they are narcissistic person. They will never change for anyone..
narc will play the victim card, they will say 'what will change? whatever argument between us in the future will be my mistake, you will have no wrong, ok?'. narc is the master of playing the mind. every word that came out of their mouth have many other meaning and will change over time totally pointless in my case.
We shouldn't forget that narcissists are very intelligent at the game they play with their victims. They always have a card under their sleeves to play when the situation turns against them. They'll never give their victim a straightforward answer to their question. 😢
Darren, I keep looking at the photos behind you and honestly, I can't figure out what any of them are! Are these creatures from Star Trek episodes or?? I earlier🤔 guessed the two guys in the top right photo are Laurel and Hardy, but I'm completely stumped on the other three! PLEASE, please tell me before it drives me crazy!🤪 This is the first time I've been able to see the red one behind your head. It looks so strange!🤯 these emojis are so small I can't even tell what this one is.
I’m trying to deal with feelings of retroactive anger. I used to allow so much verbal abuse and contempt, and now years later the thoughts and memories assail me and make me angry and sad. We’re still together and things have improved greatly. He’s not a total narcissist, in other words, and changed his behavior. But the anger is now part of my psyche. I wonder what to do about it. Perhaps my inability to confront my partner now is a testament to my passivity which allowed the abuse in the first place.
Well, this is not happening, as she got married 3 months after I moved out. I tried to save the relationship, for although one sided, it was not horrible at all. But I guess that unknowingly, I was setting boundaries, a very well off man came along, and I was abruptly discarded. I realized what was going on because I was her 4th, and I knew she had monkey-branched from her 2nd, to her 3rd (with whom she had kids and "her brain rewired"), and then unto me (unbeknownst to me at the time - dating was weird during the first 6 months), and then on to her 5th right in front of my eyes. Monkey-branching -> narcissistic traits (yep, I could see those) -> narcissistic relationship cycle. Once I got to that last part, my jaw dropped. Our whole relationship was described in detail, like if these psychologists had been spying on us all along. I'd say she is very low on the scale, but then all those random comments..."I can't promise you more than 10 years, becasue I get bored and will then jump to the next relationship", "let's make friends with them so we can use their pool", "all these male friends are my harem and I am their queen", "my passion in life is money and power", "I got with [her third] because I thought I could control him." These are literal comments she made randomly, over the course of several years. I thought she was being witty and just joking. She agrees and is aware that she needs lots of external validation and that she is a very insecure person, although outwardly, you'd never know it. I am not angry at her. She had a super invalidating mother and grandmother whilst growing up. I do wish her and her new husband all the very best and pray that she will have the werewithal to find healing, lest the cycle repeats itself again.
Darren, You have no clue how many people come to Ayahuasca ceremonies who've been completely traumatized by narcissistic abuse (mostly men as false society has trumpeted the "modern woman" of being a cold, cruel, calculated parasitic snake as if they're some sort of endearing attributes, lol !). And in the ceremonies they get all the truthful answers and infinitely more than they were initially looking for (spiritually speaking). I was just in a ceremony a few nights ago where 6 of the 17 participants were men and came to the ceremony because they have been completely depleted by their female narcissist partner...and Since eye am an expert on the subject Mama Ayahuasca and I healed them all in spectacular fashion far beyond any words can describe..You're doing an outstanding job raising awareness ! Much love !! You're a Spiritual Warrior my friend !! : - )
These comment sections are always the same, it's always the other partner who's the narc and the commenter the victim. I would implore them to have a good look and evaluation of themselves too. It's way easier to spot the faults of others.
Hi Darren, Thanks for the video! What if it's your only daughter that is a narcissist and has been estranged for 5 years now? Her and my brother wouldn't let me go with them to see my dad when he was dying and in hospice care and I was seriously physically and financially injured and had no other way to travel out of state, they thought I was going to try and get part of their inheritance even though I was my dad's Jr. and wasn't in the will. I just wanted to see my dad before he passed. My brother is very cruel and I believe a narcissist also, so even if my daughter tried to speak or see me my brother would be involved somehow. I do love my daughter and grandkids and was always good and kind to her, what a mess I know, I'm done with my brother even though I have forgave him in my heart, but won't in person. My therapist told me I would have to automatically accept her back to possibly see the grandkids. I'm so lost, I can't fully find help about this situation. But I will also have to ask her this question you mentioned here for my own mental health sake?
So my dad is absolutely manipulative in some of these ways. He’s such a gross person inside. Very disappointing and upsetting to have to have relied on him as a child.
Her: "You won't let go of the past!" ....Me: "Every word I know comes from the past." Her: "You know what I mean." Me: "Tell me how you know that .... without using the past." ............ SO glad to be out.
Hilarious- married a borderline/narc knowing it was a bad idea. We split and i left as she wanted me out. 2 days later a letter and email about she couldn’t believe we had split up and hoped one day we could make it work. Never responded- 6 months later she was living with a guy who had just spkit up with his long term partner (vulnerable?). Que sera. Don’t look back
How do you actually get into a relationship with a narcissist?. After a few hours of being around a narcissist I’ve had enough of it for a good few weeks