This is so interesting - we have a similar dynamic in our family. My little boy and myself are both autistic with adhd and I have a neurotypical husband. It’s so lovely hearing about how you guys work so well as a team. I think you can often feel very alone when parenting, especially being neurodiverse/having neurodiverse kids. It’s really helpful listening to you guys - thank you!
Pushing...that is a tough one. My own mother, who was some form of ND, must have known I was and gave me a lot of room. In my teens, I missed a lot of school -- I don't even know why, I just know I somehow did not go one or two days a week. Based on the effects of having a job this last decade that I now think pushed me too hard, there were probably upsides to that; I guess they were probably recovery days for me. It may well have been problematic if I had had to go every day. All those missed days, which she wrote excuse notes for, did not of course improve my spotty academic record. To this day I do not know if that was the right thing to do or not. It wasn't perfect, but I can't say what the balance should have been. I do wish we could both have known what we were at the time, and been able to talk about it. She and my father were never diagnosed, and I'm only looking at that myself now as I struggle more. She was doctor-phobic, and of course, in the 60s and 70s there were more reasons to be. If she considered that I might be autistic, she must have known that she would be told it was her fault and she must be a "cold mother." She was really good at explaining whys, which I always needed and appreciated. If there are kids who respond well to "because I say so," I wasn't one.
I was pushed to follow demands of an others and to adapt to others as a child. It protected me in some ways of not fitting in, but till this day I struggle to be myself. During school time, staying at home was only an option if I had a fever. So I was very disciplined, but my academic path was full of struggles anyway. I still find it hard to balance work time and recovery time. In the end, I get really bad migraines. To know about neurodiversity and of different needs makes things so much easier. Especially now, being a parent myself.
@@briena8881 I hope it must be somewhat better now, in terms of parents and other caregivers knowing about neurodiversity and what helps and doesn't, though I can tell from things I see online that this is far from every child's reality. I hope it is becoming possible now for ND children to be themselves. Even with my mother's accommodations, I am just now trying to figure out who I am, and the parts of my life that have never made any sense to me. I wish that my mother and I could talk about it now. I'm not sure what she ever figured out about herself -- she bought lots of health books, and I now realize why. Her and my father's last years were not great, and I now wonder if there were ways that could have been different. I struggle with the same hypervigilance, irritability, PDA behaviors and emotional dysregulation she did. It's too soon to say if I'll cope better in my final years, but awareness (and honestly, meds) may give me a shot at it. If it does, it feels like I won't be one of those who grieves for their own missed years; I'll mostly be grateful if I have some livable years ahead. But I will grieve for hers.
Omg the roof collapsing example resonated. 🎉 I had trouble articulating this when I was little. Thanks for discussing it! I've never been effectively soothed by the, "It'll be okay," type of comfort statements. When adults would say that, it felt almost like promises were being made that couldn't be reasonably kept. And thats not fair for anybody involved! Plus, the real logistical considerations that were running through my mind felt unheard. Thus the feelings that came from them invalidated. When i was given reassurances based in objective events, experiences, or efforts to mitigate risk, it was much more helpful for me. Telling me, for example, "We're doing our best to eat healthy. That helps prevent high cholesterol or arteries from clogging. And thats the bit we can control. The rest is out of our hands," was much more impactful. Even if it was over my head at that age. Because it acknowledged the parts that we can control and also the parts that nobody can control, like genetics or health surprises. Props on the housing inspection and roof rebuild explanation. 👏🏻
I struggle with feelings of meaninglessness. Jumping from persona to persona, imitating and all that - that comes very naturally now after so many years of training. But which requires a lot of energy. What is really the outermost goal in general for an autistic person - stripped of all that masking? If neurotypical works toward for example building a career, togetherness, a family, dog and a house etc. What is the autistic equivalent of this? Or do we all strive, in general, to fill our life’s with the same types of things and that the same notions give life meaning? Neurotypicals as well as a neurodivergent.
Very philosophical question, I like that. In my opinion, that depends on the person rather than if they are neurotypical or neurodiverse. However, I'd say that a neurotypical person might have it easier to reach the goal of happy family or successful career. If the goal is related to gaining knowledge, for example through an academic path, or through "coding where no-one has coded before", I'd say that an autistic person has the advantage to already think out of the box, to be able to dig into details without getting easily distracted. Another point I see is that the goals in life can shift over time. Growing up, it might be social acceptance. Then that shifts to deep relationships maybe, or career wise. And later on, it might be having had a fulfilled life, experienced a lot of different things. For me personally, my goal in life is to help other people. To become an author that creates texts which inspire people to open their horizons, to get out of depression, to not commit suicide, to be more accepting of diversity. Also, to be a supportive and understanding mother, to make my kids' life not only barrable but actually good. And currently, as a first step, learning self-care. Learning to open up and being myself, and most of all, learning again to trust other people. Thanks for making me reflect about that. 😊
Very interesting insight to parenting for autism, i have dyspraxia and wonder if i had kids would i be able manage them if they where neurodiverse. Sounds to me just like normal parenting but knowing that your child might process things differently then a child who isn't neurodiverse. nice to hear your experiences on how you dealt with parent hood!
I'm struggling right now as an ADHD mother of an autistic daughter who is in college now and struggling. To me, I was accommodating her needs when she was at home...and she is struggling because college does not offer that same level of support. To her I was coddling and she's struggling because I did not push her enough and prepare her enough. And now she's even starting to doubt her autism diagnosis and say I caused her autism by coddling her. We had a big argument about it today. I don't know how to feel. :(
When that happens to me with my 4 years old, I apologize afterwards and explain why I was in that state of mind and that it wasn't okay of me to do x/w/z. For example, say he isn't allowed to do something anymore or that I take something away. That helps our arguements getting resolved faster and with less emotions.
@@briena8881 Oh my gosh, at this point I feel like all I do is apologize to my daughter and constantly tell her there was no excuse for my behavior. I try not to constantly blame everything on autism because I don’t want her to do that when she gets older. I want her to try to be responsible for her actions and have a little more self-control which is pretty much what I’m trying to teach myself now lol OL
@@neurodivergentzebras9822 Sometimes, I already say it before. Like "If you do this now I'll get really angry. I'll probably be unfair then. I'm sorry, but when I am really angry I get unfair. Please don't do this, I don't want to get unfair to you " Surprisingly, that works quite well with my son.
@@briena8881 I’m actually surprised that works because I’ve been told over explaining with children is a bad idea. I know Ella said in one of her videos to keep it simple like as few words as possible. I don’t think either one works for my kid lol. It’s definitely hard with us both being autistic.
@@neurodivergentzebras9822 I'd say that depends on their current state. If they are in a meltdown/ similar emotional state, they are only functional on survival modus, no higher brain functioning, so no long talks, explanations, reasoning, discussions. (That's well explained in The Whole Brain Child) If they are in a normal state, that's the only way my son is functioning. He would never do something only because I say so. He has to understand it, has to believe it, has to be taken seriously. A friend from an autistic community once gave me the tip to tell my feelings, because for example only because I look angry or raise my voice, autistic kids won't get that I am angry. They don't want to be provocative or annoying, often they just don't understand your behaviour. (And vice versa, if you're an autistic parent and not as skilled as Ella in reading situations).
