Psychiatrist Explains BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) - Psychology 101 

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I think an important point is that people who have BPD don't feel like they are *pretending* to like the interests of others. They get caught up and lost in the energy.

Hearing a doctor say ‘it hurts so fucking much’ is the most validating thing I’ve ever heard and did make me cry a bit

Intense emotional suffering- they feel sadness, we feel the absolute depths of sorrow and grief. They feel slightly annoyed, we feel enraged. They feel happy, we feel ecstatic. Both a blessing and a curse. I've spent my entire life trying to control my BPD. Something most people without it don't understand is that is mentally exhausting keeping our emotions in check, if we are able. Everyday is a struggle and takes so much energy to not act out of turn. It's literally exhausting. We don't want to be this way, and most of us try our best to contain it.

I was married to a woman with undiagnosed BPD for 7 years. She made the realization she may have BPD 5 days before she ended her life. My therapist and I had the paperwork to involuntarily commit her ready, just didn't do it in time. I experienced 7 years of an incredibly difficult relationship with her for her to then leave in a horrible way, right as I thought there was hope on the horizon for us. It was like walking through a minefield every single day. If I let out a bit of breath in a funny way, she would take that as an attack and immediately go on the defensive. EXPLOSIVE reactions all the time. So many times throughout our marriage I'd being standing there like "how did this happen?" after a blowup. It was genuinely shocking most of the time when she reacted to things, because the reactions seemed so disproportionate to what led them to be. She believed she was an empath and an HSP. I believe her hyper awareness of others' feelings was brought on from a traumatic childhood full of neglect and perfectionism. She slowly became the victim of all circumstance in her own mind, leaving no room for "hey that's life" type of stuff. It felt like I was being tortured most days. Like some sort of trick was being played on me for ultimate misery. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her to experience these things how she did. I remember watching this video at the beginning of the year and thinking "that sounds familiar" but just moving on from there. I wish I had done more to find help for my wife. I wish I had not put extra stress on her with my own problems. I wish I could go back and do it all over again knowing what I know now. Life's a treat.

My grandpa called it 'Tender hearted syndrome'. He told me before he passed that life is going to be hard for me because I had tender hearted syndrome. Later on I was diagnosed with BPD. You are the first person I have listened to that described it well. I had a lot of trauma growing up. Therapy really helped. I'm coming off of my meds now because I am stagnating in therapy. I need to feel them to move forward. Healing is possible. Hard. Oh it is so hard. But I believe it will be worth it.

For me, the worst part of BPD is the feeling of unbearable guilt that leads me to very dark places. I have my own likings, I like to stand on a stable ground by myself, I tend to do hardest things by myself. I deal with my feelings on my own, there are good and bad days as for everybody. But whenever I break my own pattern, usually with my anger, rage, even if I stop myself on time, I tend to feel guilty about it for days and days and that's what's destroying me the most.

Yooo you hit the nail DIRECTLY on the head when you spoke about only being able to see the 30% anger despite 70% happiness - im realizing that this is why it’s so hard for me to interact with others sometimes because you can really tell when they’re uncomfortable and then once I notice discomfort I immediately feel it and can’t help but express it causing a loop of awkwardness/uncomfortableness

I'm a guy with BPD and I want to say, I was a total wreck 3 years ago, on the edge of suicide. I have been in a stable relationship for 3 years now and been getting regular therapy sessions for 2 and there are no words that can convey or describe how much better I feel and function now.

16:01 “Who I am is determined by how I’m treated” is so spot on.

I recently got diagnosed with BPD as an adult and came across this video. The part where he's describing how BPD brains can pick up if someone is unhappy at 30% just hit me hard because that feels so accurate. I could mildly inconvienece someone by bumping their shopping cart and spilling their drink and then think that person is still annoyed with me by the time I go to sleep

I am 28 and I can finally see it all so clearly. BPD has costed me much and made the people who loved me suffer. But my suffering is constant. I feel so powerless right now. Everything hurts. Everything I try to do with best intentions backfires and I am left behind alone and misunderstood. :(

Something else i wanted to add from a personal stand point, for me, with self harming it was ALSO a way to show people how much pain i was in inside. It was putting a face to the pain so people could see it.

I legit started crying when you mentioned how people with BPD suffer emotionally because I thought about all the time people thought I was being irrationally upset, and there was something wrong with me for feeling the intensity of the emotions I did. To actually hear someone say it out loud...it is not a feeling I can easily describe

The fact that Harvard denied your acceptance multiple times before finally letting you in will forever blow my everloving mind. You are light years ahead of most U.S. psychiatrists. I'm so grateful. Thank you for all that you do.

My heart is racing and I'm feeling an excitement I havent felt in a long time. I was diagnosed with bpd in my late 20's. (Eatly 2000/2001) Couldn't find any thing on internet about it. I have gone 20 years not understanding my diagnosis. For the first time, I now get it. You are completely describing me. I want to cry in relief. I have lost so much because of this illness. Friends, family, jobs, my confidence. My children were taken from me. Basically my life was ruined. I'm now 48 years old and taking it one day at a time. I feel like a wound that has festered for so long it is so painful you cant fo near it. It feels like physical pain at times. Thank you for doing this video

I'm a guy with BPD and struggle a lot. No meds have really helped long enough, to have an effect on me. (For the short time meds did help, therapy did seem to work.) I stopped going because I'm stuck in an endless cycle of depression, I can't get past. It's frustrating. The therapist didn't seem to understand, when I would bring up why I was stopping sessions. I just wish I could get to be 'stable' enough to have therapy stick in my head. (Hopefully someone can relate to what that feels like) Anyways, thanks for the video. I've learned a lot more about BPD, that I haven't seen in other videos.

I think it’s also so important to know that we don’t try to be manipulative on purpose. I don’t even realize I am acting out or being “manipulative” in the moment because my emotions are so high and intense.

I was crying the whole way through. It felt like the first time that (despite having a clinical diagnosis) a medical professional actually understands the struggles I deal with and actually validate those struggles. Thank you for doing what you do.

My wife has been recently diagnosed with BPD, and your videos are a big help for me to understand her. Thank you for what you do, and your compassion for these subjects. Im not going anywhere, and the reason is that she's fighting so fucking hard for herself and us. Endless doctor calls, new meds, more therapy. She's showing me with words and actions that she wants to be better, and it means a lot Knowing that things can get better is honestly such a good thing to know, and feels like it makes kt all worth it

BPD/ADHD/Anxiety/Depression here. Abandonment was a huge problem because my dad left when I was 8 and with no contact until I was 14. I’ve also tried dating several times and never got to the first date except one time. I don’t think I’ve matured in this area because my response now when someone chooses to walk away, I let them without any fight. It could be anybody. A part of me thinks it’s easier that way, but also leaves me wondering if I truly cared about them (I don’t socialize much so lack of touches = blunts feelings of needing them.

I have BPD and with years of dialectical behavior therapy and mood stabilizers I finally managed to hold down a job and I stayed out of all relationships for 4 years. Now I'm making friends but not clingy to them. I haven't hurt myself in years. And I just started to try dating again. I spend 14 years struggling and now I'm 29 and I feel like I'm finally standing on stable ground.

I was diagnosed with BPD almost 10 years ago. I am proud to say I have beat this disorder. It was a long journey but I no longer have any of the 9 criteria, which when I was first diagnosed I had all of them. It took a lot of self-reflection and accountability; learning to love myself and allowing people to leave my life and understanding if they did that does not reflect my self-worth. This video is amazing! Thank you for the work and help you give to people! It is possible to heal from this disorder!

I have been misdiagnosed with bpd as a teen. For twenty years I felt like an unstable monster, as if I always had to filter myself my emotions were invalid and I had to tone everything down. Huge self esteem issues. Now at 40 it was confirmed I don’t have bpd but I do have adhd.

I finally feel heard listening to this. Always asking myself what’s wrong with me, trauma, intense emotions, chaotic environment. I relate to a lot of what is said about BPD and I’m so glad I found this video. People don’t understand how hard it is having extreme internal conflict going on at most times, sweating mind racing, people pleasing bc fear of abandonment or never being loved or understand. It’s like a silent spiritual wound and that just won’t heal and war that won’t end. and on you can see and feel it. If you are going thru it rn I’m sending you some love and please remember to give yourself grace and that you are worthy of love just because you exist there nothing you need to do, say or be. ❤

As a person recovered from (and studying) BPD, one correction I would make is that people with BPD experience extremes of both attachment AND detachment-of idealization AND devaluation. So when we go through breakups, we actually don’t often mourn the relationship excessively for a longer than average amount of time. Rather, the pattern I’ve noticed in myself and friends with BPD is that we’re extremely miserable about it for a shorter amount of time, perhaps a month, and then all of a sudden there’s this instant detachment that happens and we flip into the opposite of the deep attachment we felt before. We suddenly feel indifferent to or even grossed out by the person we were just mourning intensely the previous night.

As someone who suffers with this condition I want to say thank you. This was the most honest yet non judgmental explanation I've ever heard. It's nice to hear someone understand the why behind what we do and not cast us out to be horrible people. We can get better.

Just retired after 30 years of primary care and this the best explanation of BPD I've heard.

I was diagnosed with BPD since my teenage. Spent my whole life fighting this disastrous disorder. Also suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until a friend recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.

I appreciate the empathy that you describe this disorder with. As a therapist I REALLY appreciate this.

My partner has BPD and a lot of the things you said just apply perfectly. She had a job with a really toxic work environment and she had a really tough time there. Our relationship got rocky partially because of that, partially because of me. She got another job with a healthy and socially stimulating work environment, we worked our personal stuff out and she was finally able to quit antidepressants. Antidepressants kinda felt like they were just numbing her down. Ever since, she is more lively, active and affectionate. I'm also a rather affectionate person so we just kinda bounce off of each other. But damn, the part about people with BPD, that they recognise frustration immediately and think it's their fault... that's completely new info for me, but it makes so much sense. Like if I just have a tiring, bad day, she just notices it in a moment, while other people wouldn't. Thank you for this video, it was a really good one. And for people with BPD - you are not unloveable at all. You just kinda need to find that person who resonates with you and is willing to study this condition a bit. Not gonna lie, there were difficult parts, but it's worth it. She makes it worth it.

I'm 95% sure my ex has BPD which is why I'm here. There is no coming back for us from what happened. But I still love her and wish desperately that she hadn't cut me out of her life for what I feel was a minor disagreement. Been going down the rabbit hole of figuring out what happened for a few weeks now, and just ran across BPD and every single aspect of it fits. I really do wish we could have a second chance because we were so perfect together before what I think was her panic/anxiety attack. I know that it's hard for people with BPD and hope that by learning more about it I can understand her emotions and what she went through more. And though I know she'll never allow a second chance to happen. I still hope she eventually seeks help because she deserves more than the toxic relationships she's had in the past or the toxic rebound she is currently in. It hurts to see.

I’m literally crying right now. I was diagnosed with bpd the beginning of this year. Now I’m finally learning about it. This whole video has described me from the very beginning. Now I just want to know how to fix it! For years I’ve been telling my mom I just want to be normal… whatever that is. I have kids, and I really just want to be the best version of myself for them.

My girlfriend who has BPD described the worst moments of it as the combination of the feeling you have right before a panic attack and extreme anger/emotion. It sounds extremely hard to deal with and I feel for anyone who has BPD.

As some one with BPD I fully understand all of this video but I thought I should mention that it's not just one emotion that sticks with you for 8 or so hours. Imagine going through a day with a lot of ups and downs emotionally (which is common cause usually our life styles are really chaotic). You'd get angry at something in the morning, a little lonely at lunch, happy in the afternoon and scared in the evening. By the time you get home you're carrying all these emotions together at the same time, so it's very easy to get overwhelmed by just existing in the same world and experiencing daily life with others. This was so bad that I had to spend a full year in isolation so I can lower the amount of triggers in my life so that I could learn to manage each emotion one by one. It's very tiring to live in such a state and I'm glad someone made a video explaining it without demonizing it

thank you for this. I have BPD and I've struggled to understand what BPD is and how it affects me. and watching this was incredibly eye-opening because you were literally talking about me. it was so spot on it freaked me out a little bit but then I finally felt like I was understood by someone and I can understand myself more from watching this. I need help BIG time. I'm 36, an alcoholic and a substance abuser. I have been self-harming since I was very young, I'm talking 8 years old. I was self-harming before I knew what it was to self-harm. I don't like being around people. I don't leave my apartment very often. I have terrible anxiety and I suffer from panic disorder, I constantly fight panic attacks, it's extremely exhausting. I also have chronic depression and I have CPTSD to top it all off. I'm a mess and the thought of treatment is terrifying having to go through all the stuff I hold on to but then I think I go through it daily so whats the different? In the end, I may have more control over everything that I go through or have been through. I have no idea who I am when I see myself in the mirror, that's why I avoid looking and when I look, most times I wanna smash the mirror. I really want to be free! I really want to know what it truly feels like to be happy and content in the world that I see through my eyes. end rant.

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

For me, I don't copy what other people like, I genuinely like what they like, but the reason why I get into it is because I see them enjoying it and think "woah, this must be amazing" so I hyperfocus on it for a week or two and it may stick or not, but the only thing it has to do with the other person is that it feels like I have a connection with that person while I am hyperfocusing on their interests, if that makes any sense.

Never delete this please

Got diagnosed with BPD today after 33 years on this planet. This video helped me so much. I don't think anyone has understood what I go through everyday better than you. Thanks!!

I got my BPD diagnosis at a fairly young age. I had the incredible privilege to go into very extensive therapy right when my symptoms started to spiral. One of the first things my therapist ever told me stuck with me, always: 'It's like being alive with no skin, Everything hurts, all the time. One single poke may mean nothing to someone with skin but with BPD it will hurt for hours. But thankfully skin grows and regenerates, just like you will' I can now proudly say that i no longer have a Borderline diagnosis. Healing from this disorder takes time and patience, but it is the greatest feeling ever. I hope that everyone here with a diagnosis or in the flow of getting one can get the help they need to win their battles!

I'm undiagnosed but I've never felt more understood in my life. I cried watching this. Even if I somehow have something else (not BPD), I still feel closer to understanding myself and how I can live a healthy life. Thank you so much for spreading awareness.

Your explanation of the self harm aspect of BPD was extremely validating. I'm in remission and I’ve been clean from self harm for years, but never really emotionally recovered from it, and what you just said helped validate my feelings towards my past self. Thank you.

I am 40 and was recently diagnosed. All the pain and suffering my whole life finally makes sense and there is so much comfort in that. I am starting a DBT program soon and I’m really looking forward to it. Thank you so much for making a video like this with compassion and understanding!

"These kind of realtionships tend to be really unstable" is a pretty interesting choice of words because in Finnish, BPD is called "Unstable Personality Disorder", which in my opinion sounds a lot more accurate than "borderline", which sounds like someone is borderline insane and thus adds to the stigma.

This was a great video. The only thing that I will add, having BPD.... we don't always consciously decide to "copy" the interests of other people. A lot of the time, it just happens. Just like having a favorite person, we don't choose it. The part about self harm was really good and it made a lot of sense. The facial thing is so true, it feels like everyone is mad at or hates me.

"its almost like there nerves are on fire when it comes to emotional pain" so well said

Eureka moment! 😮 This video has helped me massively to see how much I depend on others for my sense of self-worth! To have little sense of self is like being a partially empty cup and allowing others to fill it for you, but still feeling empty! Lack of self also results in lack of self expression. Many, many thanks.

This is WILD, my wife was recently diagnosed with BPD (they’ve been treating her for bipolar in error), and this really helps me to put things in perspective. I’m still scarred by all her BS but it helps to understand her motivations. Also the realization that it’s treatable and there may be a light at the end is honestly a game changer. I’ve been watching videos and doing a lot of reading since the diagnosis, and a lot of it is like “run fast as you can from these people” but your compassionate approach and thorough explanation has provided me with much needed understanding and shifted my perspective. Trying not to play myself but you’ve sparked a glimmer of hope. Thank you 🙏🏽

YES, the prognosis for BPD is very good! I am several years into my treatment and it has done wonders. Please, if you are suffering with this, get the people who love you together and figure out a way to get yourself professional treatment. It’s so important. I went years and years before getting help and I almost didn’t make it. There IS hope. Thank you for the video GG❤

Those with borderline personality disorder, can also have psychotic episodes, which makes diagnosis difficult.

Spot on with describing the reasons and the feelings from cutting .. I've been clean from cutting for almost 1 years. Your description has me bawling like a baby .. finally someone who gets it .

You seriously may have just saved my life. Nobody has understood my disorder at all. And im so horribly horrible at helping them understand because i get so emotional. I can never thank you enough for this small piece of content. This is the begining of my redemption arch and i feel i wouldnt have been able to understand it myself without you. Ty

My father had BPD, was an alcoholic, had an eating disorder and he killed himself in 2016. Thank you so much for this video as it helped me understand what his world may have been like.

I'm 24 and I've recently been diagnosed with BPD. (Along with a list of other mental illnesses, including CPTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, ARFID, and potentially in the near future since I'm just now getting these mental issues addressed also Autism) Nothing has ever felt more validating to my human experience on this earth than this video. Thank you for creating this space. I cannot express how meaningful this was for me.

“Who I am is determined by how people treat me” woah that was an enlightening piece if information. I didn’t know this is it makes so much sense to me now. 50 plus years living this hell and only now just learning this tidbit of information. Sad but also grateful.

I havn't been diagnosed with BPD but it seems certain I have it. The way I've described it is that when I walk out into the world I don't have my own thoughts, all my thoughts are parsing through the possible thoughts of others, so I know how to react (usually to minimize conflict to zero). Sometimes I think I'm not a real person, I feel like I'm just a reflection of other people. People have told me I'm one of the most fun people to be around but it's because every word and sentence and action is so carefully measured based on patterns I recognize in other people. Meanwhile on the inside it's a frenetic disaster. I've been an addict now since... I don't know I think my entire life. When I was a kid I would read books 24/7, I loved it because the words replaced my own stream of consciousness and allowed me to escape the excruciating pain of being me. As I got older I turned to computers, then older again and I turned to drugs. Being high doesn't make me feel better, it hasn't for a long long time, but it pushes me outside myself. I'm 34 now and I don't know if I'll ever have a real job or a real relationship despite being incredibly smart (near perfect GPA in college) and an intense desire for a meaningful relationship. 7:50 "Nerves are on fire..." Yeah I've actually described this as "having my nerves on the outside of my body." It's not just for pain though. Sometimes I feel absolute ecstasy performing the most menial tasks and conversely I can plunge into suicidal existential doom over absolutely trivial things others would be unphased by. 15:10 I agree the root cause of BPD is a poorly formed sense of self. I had an extremely traumatic childhood and it seems like as a child, rather than forming a person, I was hyper-focused on my surroundings (abusive parents) to ensure my safety. There was no time to look inward, all my attention had to be pushed outward. That's how I feel as an adult, as if I'm stuck in this hypervigilant state. A mere 10 minute walk to the grocery store and back can be mentally exhausting. 16:45 Chameleon-ness. I dated a guy for 5 years in my early 20's and he described me as a chameleon. I would talk about how certain I was that none of my friends actually liked me and how socially awkward I was. Meanwhile from his perspective he said I had the capacity to get along with literally everyone I meet. I think that's one of the most challenging things about having BPD is what is displayed outwardly and what is felt inwardly is very often completely polarizing. 21:30 OH MAN this video... Yeah sometimes I feel like a human thermometer. I can tell what everyone around me is feeling basically 100% of the time. It's cripplingly exhausting being around people, between the hypervigilance and the emotional reactivity... Yeah, I spend 99% of my time alone. This comment is way too long for RU-vid but one random aside... my best friend and my one sustained relationship over the last decade is with a buddy who is ADHD/Autistic (high-functioning). Because he's Autistic, he tends to express his emotions in muted ways and that softening of emotion makes being around him so much easier.

I was diagnosed with BPD (EUPD is what they call it in my country now, Emotionally Unstable PD). After 2 years of Mentalisation-based Therapy, psych told me women with ADHD are often misdiagnosed with BPD. She thought that was the case for me, few years later and I'm diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD from childhood abuse. Nothing has helped my BPD 'symptoms' as much as ADHD meds

So there's one very important angle to consider: You might be completely normal, and all of these things really ARE happening TO you. Like, this is just normal life. This isn't BPD, this is just how my life has been for nearly 46 years.

Thank you Dr. K, fo making this video. I recently got diagnosed with BPD by my therapist, this video helped me understand BPD so well, I related to everything you said and your examples were right on point. The comments section also helped me understand that I am not alone and there are people who feel the same way I feel out there and gives me hope that we will get better. My personal hell has been unstable relationships and my reactions that make it more unstable and the guilt of making bad choices.

It's worth to mention that BPD has better prognoses compared to other personality disorders in part because people with BPD usually are willing to seek treatment, while people with, for example, paranoid, narcissistic or especially antisocial personality disorder very rarely seek therapy and stay in it.

Thank you. I'm a clinician and many of my clients who have been diagnosed with BPD prior to meeting with me really struggle with the idea that it is "a life sentence". That never sat right with me. Thank you for challenging that belief.

I just wanted to say how I appreciate this video and all the people who left their comments. It’s so easy to feel isolated and misunderstood when the biggest issues you have in life are actually in your head, and so you experience constant guilt for being damaged without any evident external reasons. Sometimes it’s therapeutic enough just to know that folks out there have same thoughts and struggles. Thank you.

The acknowledgement that people with BPD experience emotions so much harder than anyone else, and that "it hurts so fucking much" is incredibly accurate and validating. People often say, "why are you freaking out/having a panic attack over something so insignificant", or "why are you still depressed/miserable over that breakup and still thinking about her constantly, years later?" I have gone years without a romantic partner after a breakup from someone I fell in love with within 3 months. Its been 13 years since she broke up with me, and I still think about and dream about her frequently. I see pictures of her and her husband and it tears me apart. The same is also true for my first love. I was 15. That was 20 years ago... I still love her, would take her back in a second, and she has 3 kids and a husband of like 5 years. It may sound pathetic to some, but any time I'm in a relationship where I actually am attracted to them physically and mentally, I always feel like they are only with me until a better opportunity comes along, or that I have to "perform" to a certain level or they will leave. If I'm in a relationship and I just am not feeling the person, which has happened because I seek companionship and sometimes "settle" while thinking about the other girl I'd rather be with, and I end up wanting to end the relationship, I will hyperfixate on it for a LONG time out of fear of hurting that person, because that is the LAST thing I want to do. But I also dont want to lead them on or waste their time when I know I'm not invested for the long haul. IDK, I'm fucked up.

You're spot on about self harm. To others it seems deranged, but to us it's calming. I still carry a lot of embarrassing scars, unfortunately.

I was in a really destructive relationship with someone who I suspect had BPD. A different dysregulation disorder was diagnosed but their mother has BPD and the behaviors were so similar. The whole thing was tragic because I really loved them but it was like they just couldn’t see the same person I loved. Preoccupied with abandonment, constitutionally incapable of trusting love at all. Ultimately it was like the only thing they trusted in the relationship was power and it got progressively more violent to wear down my boundaries. The gaslighting got so bad it was like we had no shared history anymore. Reality kept changing. Our past was nothing more than a narrative they could continually change to justify their current behavior. I’m not writing this to judge anybody, I’m writing this because it is possible to have a disorder like this and someone still love you for who you are. Even if you can’t see what they love in you. I suspect my ex was terrified of this diagnosis because of their mom and would never accept it. But honest help would’ve likely saved the relationship. Despite the abuse I endured, I hope they eventually find the help they need and have stable relationships in their life.

Though i haven't been diagnosed, I relate to literally everything in this video (except the externalizing of emotions, I usually internalize everything up until a breaking point). Pair BPD with ADHD, and you've got me....

It's refreshing to have a man I've never met, tell me about myself. I share this video with people i really care about to at least see my perspective, but not excuse my actions. Our emotional impulsivity needs to be coached to walk out consequences like most people i feel like do.

My mom has BPD with high degrees of narcissism and historic traits, and never did get the right treatment. She now has dementia and I'm her caregiver. I have CPTSD, largely as a result of her abuse. One thing I've learned is that outcomes are better if people understand the disorder and can account/adjust for it in their responses. She recovers from splitting episodes much more quickly when I am not triggered by them (hard when her episodes literally are a trigger, lol, but therapy has helped tremendously). I've found that when I remain calm and just let her tantrum, eventually she'll calm down and within an hour or two it's like nothing happened. When I fight back she escalates to the point of weaponizing the authorities, trying to get me removed from the lease, calling family members, threatening suicide, etc. If I remain calm she just assassinates my character until it's out of her system and then I'm "the good one" again. I think a lot of folks don't get this (I certainly didn't, wish I had managed to learn before it resulted in disability, but I digress) and the instinct to protect the self results in gross escalations that could be avoided. On the receiving end it can feel terribly unfair to have to be stable and controlled while someone is railing at you, but understanding that this is essentially a meltdown can really help with duration and frequency.

As a BPD patient, let me try to explain why a simple reason like missing a birthday, for example, would trigger me. Because I feel so empty most of the time I would constantly look for proofs to prove that the person I'm in a relationship with truly cares for me, at the intensity that I care for the person. Therefore when the person does something to me that I would not have done to the person, things gets complicated, even for myself. Amidst the chaos in my mind, the only reasonable action would be to shut off all communication, and tend to my feelings alone (for people like me who realizes they have BPD and try not to be a burden for their loved ones). Communication sometimes does not work too, because BPD people have unreasonable expectations that they cannot let go off, usually thought to be reasonable to themselves due to the amount or the intensity of the care and love they have contributed. It's tiring having BPD, if only feelings were less intense to the extent that I can ignore them, then I could've moved on through souring relationships faster, and not be the one whose hurted feelings intensifies the longer the relationship has ended. Feels like I'm always the one left out in sadness amongst the 2 person in the relationship.

As someone with BPD I find myself avoiding any relationships because of trust issues when I allowed someone ‘in’ she broke my trust I cut her out of my life completely it’s like my brain erased her to protect me. I find that I cut people off completely if there’s a trust issue and I don’t have a problem with it. I have terrible anxiety that gets worse the older I get and severe anger issues. I’ll blow then I’m over it . I know it’s an issue so I’m on guard all the time and it’s exhausting.

wow, this is honestly the best bpd video i have ever seen. i am 29 y/o and have been diagnosed for 10 years, cormorbid with adhd and cylothemia. it‘s been - and still is - a tough journey, but also intensely beautiful at times. this video almost made me cry, because i have never heard someone express what i feel and how my brain works in such an accurate way, with also making me feel seen as a person - with a different brain. thank you so much! and to everyone on the journey: stay on your path, it‘s a life long way but you will get rewards every now and again and things do get better!!! we are strong 🖤

can this become a series with other misunderstood personality disorders please?

I have BPD and work as a middle school counselor. As strange as it sounds I think being surrounded by constant emotional turmoil has helped ground me a bit! You can’t teach teens to regulate their emotions without being able to identify the coping mechanisms yourself 😅

I just wanted to be loved, just be at a point where I’m not scared of them leaving me.

This is the best BPD explanation i've ever seen. It's simple and easy to understand for other people who doesn't have it. Hopefully this can help some people who has never understand well this disorder. As someone that has BPD and is having a very hard time the past few years, it really feels like no one ever tries to unserstand... but i hope more people do with time. Thank you, doctor

My wife has BPD and it is difficult at times, it's hard to remember just how hurtful even the slightest mistakes can be for her. Me being autistic with CPTSD doesn't help either as my social skills aren't the best. However, I'm fully confident she can overcome her struggles. She's still only 23 and has a lot of time to grow and discover who she is, which I'm sure will help lessen her symptoms. Thanks Dr. K for this video, it gave me a lot to think about how I can help my wife who I love very much

I think an important distinction to make about a few BPD symptoms are: 1. BPD manipulation is for the purpose of avoiding abandonment, and 2. BPD dissociation can be as severe as DID dissociation without the distinct personalities, but the loss of time etc can be just as severe. 3. the idolisation/devaluation can happen rapidly and continuously, and appears nonsensical, but the devaluation imo comes right after they feel exposed/threatened/at risk of perceived abadonment or judgement, and they will begin to attack you and tear you down and insult you pre-emptively to paint you as 'the bad guy' in the equation, I think to make themselves feel better and to make their desire to push you away make more sense internally, because they can't admit it's a fear of abandonment, they need to claim it's because of your bad qualities etc

The timing of this is unreal. My girlfriend for 7 years found out she had BPD before covid and she just hit the self destruct phase but we are going to get her back on track with self help. This provides a lot of insight for me on a dialectical basis. Thanks always Dr. K.

When i was still with my ex-wife, i was like 85% sure she had BPD. Now I'm like 98% sure she had BPD. But, I think the end of our marriage and her subsequent (and for better or worse, awful) relationship put her on the right path to get over it. I haven't talked to her in years, but last I heard she's actually doing really good, which is awesome =)

I have had BPD for over 30yrs and this is the best description of how I feel and act I have ever seen! I often tell people I have BPD because I'm proud of how far I've come. I've had large gaps in employment due to it. I was told not long ago I could go on disability. But I am able to work full time as a nurse. I still dissociate and have passive SI frequently. But 11 yrs ago I was inpatient for another OD, my form of self harm. And when your 9 yr old tells you if you do it again he will never speak to you again, you quit! You hit it on the nail though. How I feel about myself is determined by how I perceive others think of me!

This is an amazing video! Thank you. I am diagnosed BPD. All the symptoms. I am about 7 years out from my back to back psych stays. I am doing really well. Found my genre of music, and did DBT, as well and Life Span Integration to get through those intense gut anger/guilt/etc feelings. This video explained it all so well and so politely. And the advice and stats were so super hopeful! We can recover and learn to live with this. Remission is a great way to put it. I was put into a psych unit, lost my kids (I have had them back for many years), and I ended up a felon. But I am halfway finished with school for law, and my kids are doing well in school. I've found it's easier to be single while they're young for all of our mental health. Finding balance is always a struggle but I have a couple close friends that are consistent for more than 2-5 years so thar does definitely help a lot.

A friend of mine who was diagnosed with BPD would often ask me if I'm angry while we're gaming side by side, while most of the time I frown because I am very focused. The section about having a bias towards negative emotions stood out to me because there have been other notable instances in which I reassured my friend that I am feeling alright.

This made me cry. I was diagnosed with BPD and no one ever talks about it or tries to understand it with compassion. I have worked really intently to be self aware and to work with myself to do better. I have a DBT workbook that has helped. Normally I'm fine but then there are occasions in life that kick up the dirt and I'm a wreck. I really appreciate hearing you talk about how it feels to live inside of BPD with so much thoughtfulness. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much! My triplet brother was recently hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD. As hard as it to watch this video it gives me hope and excitement to know he can be happy in the future with the care and love of family and him working through his troubles. Thanks again!

I'm so tired of having BPD. Sometimes i feel so extremely stressed from my job that i just think the best decision is quitting to have inner peace... And two days later I'm just crying because I realize it was an impulse decision. I feel like I'm a nightmare to date because I'm just to unstable and demanding for attention. I feel like i can't do anything for more than one month, I can't work im the same plsce, I can't have the same hobbies, I can't be the same person.

I just lost a friendship of 6 years due to what I'm now understanding as BPD patterns of behavior (refusal to communicate conflict, vague boundaries, shifting blame, warped sense of reality, unregulated emotions, dependence on perpetual affection, dissociation) - it just got to the point where everything was "my fault", despite my ongoing efforts to see both sides and work toward repair. While I have empathy for that person and their pain, I'm struggling to find a balance between understanding and excusing their behavior. Relationships built on fear of abandonment and manipulation just aren't healthy for anybody. I hope they get the resources they need.

As a psychologist who works with people diagnosed with BPD on a daily basis, I would like to add that BPD in it's core can be described as an emotional roller-coaster as those dealing with BPD not only experience extreme negative emotions but also experience extreme positive emotions. Dr. K describes what the extreme negative emotions can result in. However, the extreme positive emotions also play a big part in the individuals life. Despite it's challenges there is something very beautiful about individuals with BPD due to their emotions being so pure. Instead of personality disorders, I sometimes describe them as attachment or coping disorders. Similar to dialectic behavioral therapy, schema therapy, mentalization based treatment and transference focused psychotherapy are also evidence based treatment options. When to choose what therapy is best decided together with your therapist.

I have been dating my gf of almost 2 years with bpd and I am 17 trying my best to understand, we are currently in therapy and trying to work out our issues we both sat down and watched this video today, thank you very much my gf learned a few things about herself as did I :)

I hadn't recognized myself as a BPD before I suffered from an event three months ago. I connected with the other's feeling deeply, and felt hard to go away from a person that I spent quite a long time with them (just several months). The way I responded to anything in my life was much more excessive than the other's. Some people liked me because I put too much love on the other, they said I was kind. However, they also made fun of me due to the way I loved or felt (person or thing). It was also hard for me to control my emotion. There were a lot of things coming up with me due to this reason, so I always try to control or sometime forget things. For example, when bad thing come up, I will feel sad, extremely sad, it damage my mental health a lot, causing depression. I will try to forget it or avoid anything remind me about it to protect my brain. Therefore, my memory is not good, it serves me wrong almost time in terms of these bad events.

thank you for the respectful comments and fellow bpd havers finding solace in each other. :) hope you all have a good weekend/week :)

I also just want to add, as somoene who has BPD and is recovering well, is that people with BPD can also experience psyhotic symptoms, such as hearing voices, paranoia, delusions, and visual hullucinations. These are symptoms I've experienced myself and they tend to happen as a result of prolonged hightened stress and emotional pain. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was experiencing these symptoms and was admitted to hospital. Also, I want to add that there are positives to having BPD. For example, due to hightened emotions, I can experience joy more than the average person. Also, BPD suffers tend to be extremely empathetic.

I struggled through 30 years with my BPD spouse. He was a serial cheater, constantly berating me for anything, and always accused me for cheating (I never even considered it). Then he would be wonderful to me for a while. 13 years in he left me for an old girlfriend. Refused to pay child support for our 3 kids and said some of the cruelest things to me. He would do something like this every 5 years or so. The last time I left for good and the hardest thing has been looking back over our relationship without my codependent rose colored glasses.

Just found out I have BPD at 18, it's rough, but these videos help. Thanks doc.

My 20 year old daughter was diagnosed recently, and I've tried really hard to absorb as much information as I can in order to try and understand what she goes through. Thank you so much for this video.

If there is one thing I know about us bpd people is that we LOVE good understanding people talking about BPD. Likely because we feel so misunderstood/dismissed most of the time. And we LOVE to help each other out in comments alot from what I have noticed for some time haha. We are extremely empathic, we have big hearts made for BIG feelings. The part that hit me most was when you explained emotional pain felt like physical pain. It reminded me of my first long term relationship breakup like 15 years ago, I remember I just screamed my lungs out that it hurts so much. And every breakup since have been these messy things and just me feeling like a failure and lashing out. Today I struggle way more with internal negative thoughts, I usually explain it to others like I have this feeling of wanting to protect others from my own behavior. like I Imagine it in my head like my worse 3rd just belittling my inner small child, crying in a corner. And me just looking from the outside feeling sorry for the kid. But I still feel sort of helpless. What am I supposed to do to help? I can't even take care of myself most of the time. About the cutting, I absolutely feel it is so misunderstood by the majority of people. Its not a cry for attention, but also it kind of is? I know I used to do it just to like force myself out of a spiral of this loud critic in my head. I felt like this train is moving to fucking fast towards a mountain wall and I just wanted off, sort of feeling. At some point I just lost interest in cutting. Maybe I made it harder to access the way I "preferred" to do it I don't know. Its getting harder to allow emotions their chaotic freedom as I get older and need to "be an adult" and finding these ways to express to others how I feel without regressing into a child crying and breaking things, or splitting on everyone not understanding me, is so helpful to me at least. So yeah, thank you, and I hope we see more talk about BPD and like help each other find some different tools to maybe help manage and navigate our chaotic inner lives. - Also... if anyone is reading my line of text during a hard time in their life, I know this helped me to hear. If you ever have felt "okay" or "good" once, It probably will again. The feelings of despair aren't permanent, and will pass. If you can't make a thing happen right now its not going to happen right now and the goal right now would just be to live long enough for you to find yourself inside the eye of the storm. Even for just a moment of clarity to then be able to make A reasonable decision. So sleep on it, whatever it is you are worrying about, remember to be kind to yourself aswell :)

Who else among fellow BPDs finally felt understood & cried? I definitely did.

I wasn't properly diagnosed with BPD until 2021. Once I understood that I had been living with this undiagnosed for a long time, so much of my life began to make sense. Even as a clinical counsellor myself, I still find it hard to admit to people that I suffer with BPD due to the misunderstanding of the disorder amongst society.

I have BPD, aspergers (autism), bipolar disorder, anxiety and bulimia. "The emotional equivalent of nerves being on fire" is about the best way to describe my experience. This is the best description of BPD I've seen online, thank you

I worked in a psych hospital for several years and worked a lot with BPD patients. What I observed with all of these people were intense feelings of inferiority and worthlessness (childhood history/trauma) and the manipulative and self harming behavior was a way of getting people to care or come to their rescue. It’s sad and frustrating at the same time. They didn’t seem to want to get better. It’s like they became addicted to the ongoing cycle of crying out for help and getting sympathy. I was told by each one that the self harming was to release emotional pain and for some it was minor self harm as they watched for someone to notice. They needed attention constantly. They created their own drama and it was exhausting. I wish there were more intense therapy available for them.