OP in the first story was not insistent on not having kids. He was insistent on not being put in the same situation his parents were. The girlfriend had made an agreement in advance that she violated. She can do that, but she can't expect him to stay around for it when he's set his boundaries.
This! It sucks all around but she's allowed to change her mind while OP is allowed to stay firm on his stance. The ex doesn't get to be mad that OP didn't change their mind though.
Wild leap in logic rSlash made, OP made it very clear he *did* want kids but *not* if they had complicated health issues and rSlash spun it and basically said “if you didn’t want any kids you should’ve cut your balls off and never passionately hug for the rest of your life”, like, what part of ‘OP doesn’t want a disabled child’ did Dabney not understand?
Didn't they do tests and did find out there was a problem with the child? And remember this child died 3 years!!! Later, whatever that child had was basically a short lifespan and the mother decided to take that struggle after saying she wouldn't do that to her husband. Remember that she chose that child to live and probably knew they wouldn't live long, because 3 years must've ment it was bad.
Story 1: Man, I feel really bad for OP, he was neglected after his disabled brother was born, and his girlfriend crossed the boundary and had the child against OP's wishes. OP's parents has no right to be upset after they literally neglected OP since he was 5, goddamn hypocrites they are. NTA.
I just listened to a story from a few months ago where a woman said she didn’t want a baby, op convinced her to have it anyway, she pays child support, and op complained that he was now taking care of the child on his own. R/Slash said op was the butthole in that story. this is now the exact same situation from the other side, and somehow he’s a jerk for not taking care of the child he didn’t want
To be fair to r/Slash, he didn't say OP of tgis story is the butthole for leaving after saying he would, he even says that he had a right to respect his boundary. the thing is, it's not that the OP didn't want to have a child, it's that he didn't want to have a child with that specific disability (due to his trauma). The thing is, if you're willing to have a child, you don't get to pick and chose, you have to accpet every possibility - including the possibility of the child being disabled. If you don't, then don't have a child (or go adopt a child who you think is not disabled). I think it's a good thing that the OP was abled to aknowledge he wouldn't be able to take care of that child and put hmself in that situation, which would be triggering, but like R/Slash concludes, he should have wore a condom.
Sometimes when I listen to this stories I play a little game where I switch around the genders of the characters to see if that ever influences how I perceive them and if that’s fair or not. It helps me recognize my own gender biases
Rslash, along with all other popular reddit reading youtubers (smosh, click, etc) have a very obvious bias towards women. I still listen to the stories and their points of view because I like hearing them, but if you pay even a bit of attention you'll see the clear bias in favor of women.
I work with adults with disabilities and I completely understand OP1's point of view. That life is not for the faint of heart. I regularly see parents in their 60s and 70s still needing to do just about everything for their 40 or 50 year old kids. Add to that the trauma from his abuse, and it's no wonder he made that decision. He seems like a stand-up guy overall. He stayed with his ex and supported her through her pregnancy and continued to provide financially after the fact; despite his boundaries being trampled over and ignored. I'd also like to add that almost all, if not all, of my clients are the youngest in their families. The toll of raising a disabled child often prevents the idea of having more kids. I usually love hearing RSlash go after deadbeat dads and shitty parents, but he missed on this one.
I'm sorry, am I missing something in the first story? The EX is the one who set the child up for a life without their father. The EX is the one who broke a very important boundry.
I mean he's human, but i think R/slash it's too biased when it comes to kids. Buddy, he has horrible memories from his childhood related to disable kids. He set a boundary.
Remember the child died a few years later So basically the child was screwed with a huge disability and living a few years, and remember tests were done she knew, he knew, they both knew but she said screw it I'm gonna have this child that will basically have no future in life, she chose that child's fate and knew the end would come for them.
That's why this was a complicated situation. He set a boundary and it was violated, but that doesn't remove all responsibility from him. Regardless of how crappy that might feel to you, that's how things should work. So there was responsibility that he ignored but he only had that responsibility because a boundary was violated. That's why it's complicated because there's no good answers to this situation. Everyone in these comments is treating it like this is a very cut and dry case.
@@khrishp It'd be a lot more complex if the kid were healthy and OP just didn't want children at all - in which case yeah, he'd have been TA. OP _did_ want children and actively chose to have them. What he _didn't_ want was a kid that was going to suffer for its entire, very short life, and he trusted his partner. She repaid this trust by subjecting a child to suffering and an early grave. I get that you can get attached to an unborn child; my girlfriend and I talked over the idea of having kids the other day and we both got a little choked up just thinking about it. Termination is a difficult decision, but I've seen enough people suffer and die from medical complications to know that it's still the better one in cases like this.
@@lordofroosters I don't think that would make it any more complicated. Why would a healthy child that he didn't want make this more complex to you than an unhealthy child that he didn't want? Is one less of a child or one less of a breach of boundaries or less of a responsibility? I just don't follow that logic on how it would be more difficult. Like it's the exact same issue to be honest.
First story… the guy set a boundary. The girlfriend crossed it. NTA in the slightest. Doesn’t matter. The girlfriend tried to force OP into fatherhood when they BOTH AGREED to not go through with the pregnancy if the child had a disability/low chance of survivability. You cannot give someone a butthole score like that when his boundaries were crossed like this. Absolutely not. It wasn’t about not wanting to have children. It was about not wanting to bring a child into the world that 1) could very well die very young, and 2) that could be neglected due to OPs trauma. I’m sorry rslash, but your take was seriously bad. Putting responsibility on OP like that when his boundaries were clear and concise is horrific.
If OP were to receive a butthole score I guess it would be not going to the funeral and even then it would be a like 0.5 IMO. It's not surprising OP left because that wasn't something he wanted to deal with when having a kid in their circumstance but I guess the wife wasn't on the same page.
@@spiderace7994yeah I can agree with you there. It just seems insensitive, but that’s it. The wife for sure wasn’t on the same page when she decided to just change her mind without the father of the child in mind. It gets me so heated when anybody does this. Man or woman. They can just change their mind like that and their significant other is expected to just deal with it. Nah. Miss me with that
Rslash, would it kill you to actually acknowledge the whole story for once? OP in the first story never said he didn't want kids at all, he said he didn't want to have a kid that would be born with disabilities due to his past trauma. Your "suggestion" for him to use a condom is just outright stupid because it doesn't solve the issue that OP had.
Speaking as someone who's had family become disabled due to illness and accidents, I don't feel pity for OP at all. He SHOULD have worn a condom, if he wanted kids that badly he should have been prepared for the possibility of disability, since clearly it's genetic. What would he have done if his kid was born healthy, but wound up disabled due to illness or getting in an accident? BOTH which are extremely common ways for kids to wind up disabled (especially in the current nutcase-trend of not vaccinating your kids) would he be considered okay to walk out then? The dehumanization of the disabled is bullshit. Boohoo, its always the ones who had bad parents. Hate to say this, but OP's parents would definitely have neglected him even without the disabled sibling. When my cousin (disabled through terminal illness, nothing genetic) was alive, his parents neglected his sisters. After he died (and he lived only a couple of years after his diagnosis) guess what? My aunt STILL neglects her kids. It's been over 10 years since my cousin died and she's NEVER been a good mother, period. Disabled siblings are often used as the scapegoat when its purely 100% the parents' fault, if they actually were good parents they'd make time for their other kid.
I identify as asexual so I feel very qualified to speak on the final story. Sex can be a deal breaker, and that's okay. She should not be forced into sex with him, BUT. If he needs sex in a relationship, she has a couple of options, and none of them are demanding he unilaterally give up sex.
That's what I was thinking. If they're incompatible when it comes to sex and she's unwilling to compromise, it's just not a relationship they should be in together
@@daorignaldumbucket Excactly! And nobody is in the wrong until she refused to discuss it and take his point of view into consideration. THAT'S the problem. Not that she doesn't want to have sex.
As a fellow ace, agreed 100%. Like despite all the care OP put into working things out like the letter, for example, and she wouldn’t acknowledge his concerns at all considering she didn’t actually read the letter but assumed what it was about and responded accordingly. Definitely not right for each other, at least not with how they are now.
If he’s paying child support, then he *objectively* hasn’t abandoned his child. Unless money isn’t one of the things you’re supposed to provide for your children.
Story 1: NTA; sure, the title sounds bad, but OP has legitimate trauma and has every right to not want to be involved in the child’s life, and technically he didn’t abandon the child since he offered and followed through paying for child support. Only if OP hadn’t paid child support would he be the AH.
I agree, though I do think he should have gone to the funeral. It was his kid after all. That's the only bad thing I see in story 1. He did the best he could. 13 years of dealing with a disabled sibling and effectively being neglected by his parents is trauma. He clearly said that if the kid is disabled they should abort the pregnancy. It seems that he meant a serious disability, not something generic like autism, and whatever his child was born with was obviously serious/impactful enough to cause the child to die a very young age. He just couldn't do that again.
I think that what he did was the right choice, we can't control how we feel but we can control how we act , he knew he would resent having to raise this child, so he removed himself for the equation while also doing what he was required to do, as long as he paid child support without fighting i don't see how that was a bad choice. many people is raised without a parent for one reason or another and sure, that can hurt, but is not impossible to live with out it. at the very end He did the best for himself AND the child, at least that's my opinion in the matter.
Nah, i think he shouldn't even need to pay child support in this case, the agreement was clear and cut, let gf drown in the consequences of her selfishness. This whole debacle was a massive waste of time, money and emotional anguish on all parties involved just because of gf suddenly deciding to scrap all agreements, denying science and logic, and just wishing for a miracle i guess, which expectedly didn't come. In the end, all she brought about was agony to everyone involved, especially the child who had a very brief and likely painful life, if that can even be called living. All child support did in this case is to fund the prolonging of agony and foolishness...
@@N0xiety so true. To bring a child into the world knowing that it will live a painful, heavily medicated life only to live a short few years is just awful 😞
I think it depends on how much child support the child was getting, if his child support + the ex's income was able to give the child the best quality of life possible I think OP's in the clear. It sounds like he could have ended his relationship with the ex in a better way, but it's not like she couldn't contact him if she needed ovi. I don't think he should have needed to go to the funeral tho, he had nothing to mourn really, or at least until he gets a shit tone of therapy.
1st story... He said explicitly that he had no interest in taking part in raising a child w/a disability. She decided it was what she wanted to do w/a full understanding of where he stood. So he's unequivocally NTA
@@mariposa9506no it not that cut and dry. They both agree to abort the child if it has a disability. She decide to break that promise. He shouldn't be held responsible for someone else decision. If a woman can abort a child, a man can walk away. He could have left his ex in a terrible situation by not paying child support. But he still was mature enough to pay and I know a few men who wouldn't do that.
1. even IF he didnt pay child support (which he did) i wouldnt give him an AH score, and not just because of the prior agreement 2. if he abandonned his child and not paid child support without a prior agreement i still wouldnt give him the AH, if the woman has the sole decision making power in such cases she can have the sole responsibility too, exceptions being if both want a child and THEN the father abandons the child or when the father abandons the child later then a year after its birth, those are the only situations where im in favor of mandatory child support, in all other cases im in favor of any guy who choses to abandon his child it isnt right to have to pay for something based on anothers sole decision, thats like your friend saying "I bought a new care so you HAVE to give me a % of your pay check each month" like... no i wont, it was YOUR sole decision so YOU can take the responsibility for it
Last story: OP is still young. Divorce and find a complete relationship with the intimacy you need. That marriage is dead in the water. I wouldn't have survived in the relationship that long. And I'm a woman.
Yeah the problem with their marriage comes way before his cheating. She unilaterally decided to not do anything with him simply because she can't have kids, and every time he tried to calmly discuss it with her and even offer counseling she kept trying to gaslight him and calling him a 'emotional manipulator'; Also her last ultimatum combined with all that shows she doesn't want to solve things out, she just want to not lose the power she have over him. Hopefully they either have a pre-nup without a cheating clause, or he gets a good divorce lawyer, because she'll totally drag the divorce and make stuff up all the way if they get one
Yeah that last one was wild. I'm asexual so if I end up with anyone, they're gonna have to be okay with little to no sex with me; if that's not something they can agree to, then we simply break up and go our separate ways. And that's totally fine! Different people need different things in their relationships, so it's important to communicate these things clearly to each other, and there's no shame in calling it quits if needs just don't match up. There's nothing wrong with either one of the people in the story having different needs, but the problem is that instead of communicating about it like an adult, she refused to engage and actively tried to turn it into a fight or worse. She refused to listen when her partner continuously tried to communicate clearly with her and understand her, and made herself out to be a victim in a situation that had no victims or perpetrators. Then she threw a fit when OP did exactly what she gave permission for. Like... what else did she expect?? Frankly, I hope they break up, because nobody deserves to be treated that way by their partner. OP deserves better and that lady needs to learn how to communicate like a mature adult (and also possibly do some soul searching).
@@kitty6113Another solution for some is a sexually polyamorous relationship. If two people are emotionally in love, but one is asexual and the other has a high libido, an agreement can be reached that the partner with the libido can have other sexual relationships, but cannot have additional emotional relationships, else it would be cheating. May not work for all, but the option's on the table if anyone doesn't know.
I would like to make a petition for Rslash to take another vacation. He seems like he needs another break and take a load off. Upvotes for those in favor!
@@spazedogprime3191more recently he has multiple per video. He’s gonna start losing fans soon, and if he wants to keep a job as a RU-vidr he will have to listen to his audience
@@spazedogprime3191I've been a loyal listener for ages now but the moment he referred to the mother's body and pregnancy as crossing the MANS boundary I instantly lost faith and may never listen again 😂
Girl in that last story permanently killed the bedroom while they were still in their 20s, ripped apart heartfelt letters, used emotional manipulation, dished out ultimatums, refused therapy, told her husband that he should find love elsewhere and honestly expected nothing to come of it. Absolute insanity.
Plus the reason she stopped the intimacy was because of infertility due to having a sterilization which was done before she met OP. OP isn’t at fault for her actions. However I’m curious if she’s seeing someone on the side?
Thank you for being this way. There is a person on the internet who I don't know but have seen that he probably has down syndrome. He has kids who have the same thing. I feel bad for them as they'll have to suffer not being normal i.e. They won't be able to do the things other children can, and they'll have to live with it.
Sorry to hear that but at the same time I get it. If the genetic disorder means the kid is going to have terrible medical issues in their life, don't risk it.
@@Myathaarth as someone who has a disability and works with mentally and physically disabled people: your take is abhorrent. It is proven that disabled people can live just as fulfilling a life as non-disabled people. No one inherently "suffers" from being "different". It's the people around that make disabled people suffer. Maybe we as a society should change how we treat disabled people instead of calling for eugenics, how about that?
He took care of his responsibility- And NOBODY said he didn't want children, He was even willing to overlook some disabilities cause they weren't that bad, And yet the kid died in a few years so it had to have been a bad one just like his brother's and TURNED OUT THE EXACT SAME WAY- THEY made a choice and a agreement and she went against it and lost her child for it, not OP's fault for having kids- SHE made that decision on what was gonna happen to the child
A father's responsibility is way more than money. And agreements about hypothetical children are completely different than killing your real child you feel growing inside you. No mother should be pressured to do that.
@@radhiadeedou8286 She had also agreed to terminate the pregnancy and went back on her word. They had agreements and she decided to go against them, its on her and he did his obligation and paid child support
@@radhiadeedou8286 In my eyes OP's ex is rather cruel. Bringing into the world a child she knew was gonna suffer and likely die early. I get that it's more complicated than that and I can't blame her, but I also can't blame OP for doing exactly what he said he was gonna do.
@@radhiadeedou8286 And he would've been responsible for a child he DID agree to have, but they AGREED on a dealbreaker and she went back on her word when that condition showed up. She doesn't get to screw him over and invalidate his trauma just because she changed her mind. No one (mother or father) should be pressured into a situation they've made overwhelmingly clear they can't handle.
Man, what a bad take... OP said he doesn't want relive all of his traumas. His girlfriend tries to force him to relive those traumas. How is him leaving wrong!? Imagine asking a veteran with PTSD to go into a warzone again. There's a difference between asking someone to "sacrifice" and forcing them to self-destruct.
A better comparison would be the veteran being stationed back at home with a nice and easy job, being told that he'll be stationed in calm places for as long as he's serving. Only to then be plucked out and placed into the nearest war the moment one comes around. Then the veteran is seen as the worst person in history for running away from duty.
@@mariposa9506 A better comparison would be him knowing that a war could happen, but also being assured that he'd be given a position back at home, away from the battlefield.
Story 1: NTA, I get it. The disability the child was born with sounds like it wasn't just a disability, it was more than likely a deadly defect that no matter the outcome would have resulted in death. She chose to birth a child she knew would more than likely would live a short life, possibly even a short painful life. I don't blame OP for leaving. Bringing a child into the world that you know will be both a burden, while you have trauma and will die shortly after birth, is insanely painful. It was unnecessary for the gf to have done this.
RSlash. OP in the first story never said a thing about not wanting kids. He just didn't want to go through with what his parents did or relive past trauma. And he didnt just abandon his kid and wife. He still paid everything he was supposed to. He just didnt stick around. I swear RSLASH has selective reading when kids and parents are involved lol
Love how he gave the sister in the next story less of a rating when she actually would abandon her children to her 11yo sibling for years, all the while emotionally manipulating them. It make no sense how he could come up with that conclusion.
I was trying to find a way to phrase this and you nailed it exactly. Especially since he paid child support. Why does he have to have a kid he doesn't want? He has a choice as well.
The dude doesn't get to carry a pregnancy for nine months, which permanently changes the body and often can turn life-threatening. Men shouldn't be able to walk away-they do it all the time regardless and they leave their baby mamas high and dry, condoms are a thing and so are vasectomies (both which are FAR easier to obtain than birth control and tubal ligations, men don't have to fight their doctors and insurance over it) Men need to be held accountable, a single man can have more than 100 kids in a year depending on how much he sleeps around. if there's no deterrent for being careless, what will work?
first story: i can't believe R/ has these unbelievable takes on the guy. He was neglected thorughout all his life from his family and didn't want a child with disability, but he is a bhole for leaving? R/ being a father really shifted his takes on storys involving children and families a lot, and i don't think he can be objective about it anymore. second story: she was emotionally manipulated since she was ten, and the mom only said don't help her, but didn't take action? i agree with R/, the mother deserves some bhole Points too, but the sister is safe the one with more bhole points. i wonder how growing up with that mother must have been... third story: that wife sounds like an absolute selfish person, i really wonder how OP is still in a relationship with this woman. she clearly only perceives herself as the one who has to be catered to, maybe even a narcissistic behavior. i don't think this relationship is saveable, agree with r/
Last Story: At that point, even if the wife said she was willing to have sex again, I'm not sure I would want to. She just seems like an unpleasant person to be around and the sex would be entirely one-sided, there would always be an undertone of "I'm only doing this because you won't shut up", which is not a mindset anyone should be in during the act. She's just setting herself up for divorce down the line.
As someone who's dad really did abandon them and then didn't pay child support, honestly, I dont think OP was the AH. it wasn't like he refused to support them at all. He paid child support. Odds are, that child was better off without someone forced to be there. OP didn't abandon that child, he just stuck to his clear boundaries from the start and still supported them in the way he was comfortable.
First story is complicated but I disagree. He explicitly said what would happen with the child if they were born, the gf understood that, a had the child. OP paid his child support, he didn’t just ghost his ex after she gave birth. I dont think its the same abandonment as leaving your family behind. Im pretty sure thats the point of child support tbh.
@@TheHQZombie Happens when you have intense Childhood Trauma, her fault at the end of the day she brought a child into the world to be in pain and suffer for a short few years after they were told the child would by several doctors.
@@Karatarari how terribly ableist of you. Sex is a two way street, you always have the risk of that but love them regardless. I pity you treat children with disabilities as pets
@Karatarari You get therapy for that trauma, not callously treat disabled children like trash. It's on him to not try and resolve his issues before trying to start a family because life isn't a series of purely happy experiences. Truly ableist behavior.
@@TheHQZombie If you and your partner were having a child, and 5 Doctors in a row told you that the child would 100% be born with a condition that has a high mortality rate that would make them die before the age of 5 and they would be in constant pain, would you still have the kid? I think its more callous to bring a being into the world where it would never know all the lovely things in life because it is limited with how long it has in the world, and the pain it would feel. You also obviously don't have any trauma in your life if you think its just as simple as going to therapy, growing up in a house knowing you'll always be second to such an extent that you have a hard disconnect with your parents where they don't even feel like family is massive trauma and all centered around a disabled child, the crux of all that mental anguish you had to endure as a child who couldn't speak on it properly. His Partner knowing the child would probably have such a short life and trying to force it, not only making OP deal with his trauma but adding on a child he would care for knowing he's on a short timer till he dies adding even more pain in his heart with a child he put time into just to die because it was fated to happen is cruel as fuck. Would you really go through with a pregnancy knowing your child wouldn't live long just to make a point? Would you like living with a child death in your life that was unnecessary just to prove the point you're not "ableist"? Like he didn't want just entirely clean slate no mental condition children, most likely whatever it was, was truly something awful he didn't want to deal with, and the GF just defied him casually, still on her fully, could've aborted and caused much less suffering on every side.
I disagree in the first story, OP said he’d pay child support, he just wanted nothing to do with the child. He’d be willing to take responsibility, he didn’t just decide to abandon the child. NTA all the way
1st story: bad take. Dude set up a boundary. His gf ignored it. He paid his legal amount. He just did not engage in the emotional aspect of parenthood because, to be frank, he *knew* he couldnt and he tried avoiding it. This is a case of the gf making her choice and having to deal with it. Also, who is to say OP didnt use protection and it just broke. Why is it whenever a guy ends up with a kid he doesnt want its always,”should have worn a condom lol”. Condoms break the same way female contraception fails. Also, yes, they could not control the gf getting pregnant as it was unplanned. But they *agreed* on how to handle it and she denied it. So, yeah, she made her bed. Op isnt the AH here.
Gotta love the double standards from rSlash here. 3/5 for the guy who had agreed upon boundaries with his gf, that stemmed from abuse from his parents that were crossed by his gf and even still paid child support without issue. 2.5/5 for the woman who dumped her kids off to her 11yo sibling for several years to the point that the kids thought that they were their parents and not the bio mom, then tries to emotionally guilt trip them out of jealousy and spite. Makes sense, clearly that guy is the worse of the two...
OP and his wife had an agreement set in place. OP had a strict boundary due to childhood trauma. Wife changed her mind at the last minute and went against OPs boundary. He agreed to support financially, but stuck to his boundaries and left. The wife has no right to sentence OP into fatherhood against his wishes. NTA 100%. This is NOT complicated.
Last story: NTA. Just divorce her. She literally couldn't even be bothered to read your heartfelt letter. She clearly doesn't care about you outside of her own wants and needs. You're only 28, I doubt you will have a hard time finding someone that respects and treats you well
its not that she doesn't want to have sex that is the problem in that relationship, its that she won't listen to OP or seek a compromise or solution to this issue that is the problem in the relationship. OP needs to leave not because she won't have sex with him but because she's a terrible partner.
R slash lets his fatherhood dictate his feelings on any story regarding kids and sometimes it's a little overboard. like put yourself in ops shoes and then reevaluate your reasoning
I agree with that, as much as I love R slash, I kinda find it a little distasteful to say that the dude was in the wrong when he made a clear and set boundary. Of course, being a father is precious and priceless, but I don’t think it should cause you to victim blame a man for not wanting to be a part of that child’s life. He literally said that he’s perfectly fine with having kids, he just doesn’t want to neglect or relive the trauma from his past. Hell, even said he’d pay child support too after the child was born. I say NTA but tbh, I’m inclined to give R slash the benefit of the doubt since he’s a father and so on.
@@mariposa9506 he didn't abandon a child, he still pays child support. His ex wife betrayed their agreement and op has no choice but to leave. You do not expect the betrayed spouse to step up. You should respect both men and woman boundaries that were set before they were trying for a baby.
Story 3: NTA; OP did everything, trying to respect how his wife feels but also not wanting to ignore his needs, but honestly, this relationship has been dead and OP needs to accept that.
He should have gotten the divorce. Though I’m not sure what the wife was expecting when she completely stonewalled him. I’m aesexual and even I get that people have needs. Communication was the only thing that could have saved their marriage and it’s clear op tried.
@@tiinaniinikoski2964 his needs are about more than sex, it’s about intimacy, and she’s shut down all intimacy since she equated sex with reproduction.
@@user-ok4pk2mp3e It may seem so at first but all it will do is cause no end of drama and heartache. The only people this arrangement works for are likely some form of sociopaths.
Dabney missed the mark on the first story. Dude wasn't avoiding having kids. He straight up came to an agreement with his gf that they would terminate if it wasn't a healthy child. She broke that boundary and had the disable kid without his consent. He never formed a bond with the baby, he was just a sperm donor at that point.
@@cynister7384 does he really? I've never noticed that since I rarely go back and relisten to old episodes. If he does that just makes it even worse, I assumed he was just posting and forgetting but if he's actively going back and editing them out then he clearly knows and is intentionally avoiding accepting responsibility
1st Story - 2nd day in a row of rSlash being COMPLETELY wrong in his analysis of a father. The gf did a 180, probably trying to secure the bag. OP told her she'd be a single mom. Unlike her, OP kept his promise. NTA.
@@ShrirajHegdeHe criticized a father for roughly grabbing his kid's arm in a moment of panic. Said kid was about to do something that could have endangered his infant sister.
@@redsojourn9069 oh man okay I'm glad I'm not the only one who also thought he was unreasonably harsh on that one. He just straight up accused the dad of being physically abusive despite him literally saying it was the first time something like that happened, and it was in a moment where the kid straight up didn't listen and put himself in potential danger. If that's not a good reason to quickly grab your child by the arm then I don't know what is
@bradr02 something he conveniently left out of that story was he didn't put himself in the shoes of the situation, only the bruise. He doesn't comment on how he would've reacted is his daughter dropped a hypothetical second kid, just the bruise. He's gone full bias
Story 1: Guy is NTA. He set that boundary (a very serious one at that, one that I'm sure was very hard to make), one that the girlfriend AGREED to. She's the one who went back on that. Of course it is her body and her choice, but he also has the right to walk away, especially after their "agreement". It sucks and it is a really tough situation, and I feel horrible for the girlfriend, but I don't blame OP.
Ok, I'm ace, and the physical aspects of a relationship aren't important to me, but after hearing the last story, I am on OP's side. I get she's upset about being infertile and no one should be pressured to do it. But the husband tried to open a line of communication which she shut down. And he only sought fulfillment elsewhere because she literally told him to. They could've found a middle ground, like finding intimate actions without going all the way until she was comfortable with it again. But no, she made no effort to save their marriage.
I do not agree with the comments here at all. There is zero chance I would give the OP NTA, it would have to be ESH. The parents were abusive, the ex girlfriend crossed a boundary and then OP went and continued the cycle of neglect that he experienced. That child didn't sign up to have a disability, they didn't sign up to be born to a dad who would despise their existence before they even stopped being a fetus, they didn't sign up to have a shortened lifespan. OP is a grown adult who made a bad choice. I don't blame him for not wanting to bring a disabled child into this world, the girlfriend was thinking very selfishly when deciding that, but you don't just up and abandon that child once they are born. Child support doesn't drive you to doctor's appointments, it doesn't hold your hand when you're a scared child in a hospital, it doesn't reassure you that things will be okay. Children with disabilities are still human.
Hey, they had a clear agreement. He had trauma from when he was a child and he didn't want to relive that. The girlfriend went against him and took that child as her responsibility, she made that choice instead of getting an abortion. You can't blame OP for following his end of the agreement. The girlfriend is the one who signed up to take care of a disabled child and take care of all it's needs, not him. She's the only AH here for being selfish and bringing a child that would have no quality of life just so she feels better
Rslash, the dude didn't say that he didn't want a child. He was fine with having kids, the problem would be if something went wrong during the pregnancy and would affect the baby's QOL.
Iirc the story said he was ecstatic to find out she was pregnant. So having kids was never the issue. ((Not arguing with you at all, I'm in agreement. ))
Agree, he was avoiding that someone come to the world just to bring suffering/suffer, more even as in both cases, he didn't lived more than few years, most of them with the family suffering and living only to minimeze their pain, no matter what happens or who pays for it... even more before the 12 weeks, as there is only a bunch of cells, not more alive than a tumor at that point...
The other thing that gets me is that rslash mentions, and I’m paraphrasing, that he has an obligation to the child. When in fact OP does not. OP left the relationship after a boundary was crossed, and stuck to his guns and held that boundary strong. OP went the extra mile to pay child support. Sure he “abandoned the child”. But he had so much trauma surrounding disabilities in his life. He shouldn’t be expected by anyone to take that responsibility on when he has set clear and concise boundaries from the start.
I know! The parents are upset how OP handled it? I think OP should be the one upset at THEM for basically neglecting him for his whole life. They neglected OP, so they don't have the right to BE upset.
@@LunaHarp91 seriously? The OP set a boundary. A CLEAR BOUNDARY. And the girlfriend just decided to stomp on it and make his feelings completely invalid. Nahhhhhh miss me with that
In the first story, the original poster was not insistent about not having kids at all. What he didn't want was a kid who would have a disability that they knew the kid would have based on extensive testing that he personally funded in order to make sure that the unfortunate news was the real deal. He set this boundary from the beginning and followed through with it. He literally, by definition, has not abandoned the kid, given he is paying child support. He is not the asshole.
Agreed, this just feel like Rslash's typical emotional parental blindness. There are very very few times where he doesn't let his emotions take precedence over any and all facts and backstory. It's frustrating because the worse it gets the more his commentary feels like a dogmatic lecture.
Sorry slashman, I strongly disagree with your determination in story one, the couple had agreed to terminate the pregnancy if they ended up with a child that had a disability. And the op’s partner decided to not follow through with that agreement. And that’s her right, but it’s also the right of the father then to walk away. If a woman can kill a baby then the father gets to maintain his ability to walk away completely. But he didn’t, he didn’t fight the court, he paid child support, he did his fair share while maintaining his boundaries. Everyone around him just trampled on him and used him. So no he’s NTA. End of story. Edit after listening again: something that you said Rslash is if the op didn’t want to have a kid maybe he should have worn a condom… dude, HE DID WANT A CHILD, he didn’t want a child with a disability due to his childhood trauma.
RSlash, I totally disagree with your opinion on the first story. OP had a clear boundary and his gf violated that boundary. He was willing to pay child support. His gf chose to carry the baby to term despite his wishes. She made a choice and she has to live with those consequences. And also, we don't know the circumstances about the pregnancy. Birth control can fail. It's not a 100%. Even if they were using birth control, he and her had talked about it and he assumed she was on the same page. She's allowed to change her mind, but that doesn't mean he has to change his.
Story one: Depending on what the condition was, either of them may be an AH. If it was genetic and OP had a high chance of passing it on and he willingly had a baby, he is the AH. If the condition was terminal, and the girlfriend gave birth to a baby only for it to suffer for a few years and then die, she is a MASSIVE AH, if neither are true, no AH here.
Story 2 has an update, the sister tried to poison the kids against the poster by saying that she hates them, this caused one of the kids to have a panic attack. The kids were sent to the posters room which is where they feel safe and after that she started going off on the sister, telling her that she needs to step the fuck up and stop being a horrible parent because she's the one that has raised her kids to the point that they call her mom. Mom apologize for being a neglectful parent and hopefully for blaming her for her sisters entitlement and the sister apologized I admitted that all of this stems from the fact that she was jealous of the fact that the poster never really made any wrong decisions and wasn't forced to be a Teen Mom. The sisters going to go into rehab to try to fix her behavior
Rslash is way to fast to call men/fathers the badguy, even when the men/fathers are in the right.. OP in the first story set up boundaries, gave hard no's to his ex, and she crossed them, trying to force him into fatherhood and going through with the pregnancy, even though they knew the kid would live a tough life. What was OP suppose to do? Get the child, watch them suffer and when it died say "I told you so" to the ex? He took the best route imo.
1st story: OP has PTSD from abuse. I believe he could not actually stay. I have kicked my dad, stepmom, stepdad, both siters, and my brother all out of my life because I have way more shitty memories than good memories. I have PTSD from being the black sheep and kicking dog. I only still occasionally talk to my mom because I do still have happy memories of her. Although I do have a lot of shitty ones. I think it's the same with OP. He just can't face it.
First OP is NTA, his Ex tried to force him to have a baby that would 1. live a short, wretched life filled with pain 2. Give them both new trauma when they buried it after that experience Given it died in a few years, it probably wasnt something like autism, it was probably something like cerebal palsy, and tbh its kindve cruel and fucked up to know that your kid will have that pain and suffering before they were born, and follow through anyway for your own selfish reasons i dont blame him in the slightest. he paid child support without a fuss (way more than most absentee dads) and was there to support, he just didnt want to get attached to something he knew was going to suffer and die
OP in story 1 didn't abandon anything. He told her that he didn't want to be apart of a kids life that was just being born to die, and she gave birth anyway knowing that kid wasn't long for this world. I'd have not been able to handle that situation and probably wouldn't have made it out alive myself so I 100% support ops decisions, all of them
Story 1: Sorry R/ but this is a horrible take. The guy had a boundary, wanted the kid, the wife agreed and then backed down. How is this his fault in anyway when the wife was the one who went against what she said she'd do. He did everything right afterwards because it's better for being a single parent then for a child to have a parent who openly would not be there for them and hurt them more. Sorry dude, absolutely bad take.
Nah, why should he. If a woman has the right to her own body and pregnancy, a man has the right to abandon that situation when he didn't agree with it's inception.
It's messing. I can understand him not wanting to raise the kid and he at least paid child support. But to completely ignore the kid, refer to it as his ex's kid and not going to the funeral is heartless. That's still his kids regardless of his ex changing her mind and regardless of his childhood.
4:38 hard disagree. Nta all the way, he didn’t say he didn’t want kids, he didn’t what the kids and himself and his wife to suffer. His wife is the one in the wrong here and so are his parents.
1st story. Guy stated he wanted to terminate if the baby was suffering from disabilities like his brother. His girlfriend agreed, then changed her mind and disregarded his desire. He's not in the wrong for not being in the kids life, knowing they would pass early.
OP in the first story did everything right. What was he supposed to do? Stay and resent mother and the child? Then be super depressed when the child eventually died? NTA.
For the very first time, I’m on the cheater’s side in an aita post. I audibly groaned when I heard “Am I the butthole for getting it elsewhere since my wife didn’t want to have sex anymore” since half the excuses cheaters use is to blame their partner for not being good enough. But other than buy some expensive and weird “toy”, I’m not exactly sure what else the wife expected. Also who gets a detailed letter from your spouse and just doesn’t read it?
the first story is hard. I understand, he was abused, but he is allowed to want to be free of that trauma. They agreed they wouldn’t keep the child and she changed her mind, he doesn’t have to stay after they agreed. Him paying child support is more than enough. Yes it’s his but people are allowed to not want something, and she knew that*
Story 2: You know it's gotten bad when the children started calling OP the mom instead of the actual mom. Like, if the sister didn't want to give up her fun activities, why did she have children then? And yeah, where was OP's mom the whole time? Why couldn't SHE do it if she was so concerned about OP? So yeah the sister gets a score for being a failure of a parent, and the mom gets a score because she didn't even really try to intervene, she just said words, and that doesn't mean much when the sister is being manipulated over and over.
As someone who has been very involved in raising my niece and nephew (addict brother's kids, and their mom is an addict, too) since I was 15, OP really doesn't owe their siblings anything. I have done it for 13 years, even having them live with my husband and I multiple times. I love those kids so much, but I finally made other family help after I had some personal issues going on, and I still feel villainized by fmaily for choosing me, my husband and our son. My nephew says he sees me more as a mom than his own mom, and that broke my heart. It was hard to set the boundary, because it wasn't the kids' fault, and they've been failed by so many people already. But it was the first time in 13 years I was able to put myself and my life first. I was always expected to put them first, by their parents, my parents, and so many more family members, and I tried for so long. It took me almost losing my home multiple times, and my husband and I separating for a time to get someone else to help. And now that we worked things out, and are finally getting caught up on bills, I am still treated like we should take them back or that I am the bad guy. OP, it will likely never be enough to your sister, but that doesn't mean it's your responsibility. She needs to grow up and be a mom.
The mom DID try to intervene. She flat out told her younger daughter "let your sister handle it herself" and told her older daughter "Figure it out yourself, do not ask your younger sister or me." Her younger daughter said "no no, it's okay." What else was the mom supposed to do, schedule things for her younger daughter to do and get her out of the house? Wait... SHE DID THAT. OP even says that she canceled events scheduled for her and then helped her older sister out. Basically, her younger daughter undermined the mom's efforts to make her older daughter more responsible and... here we are.
@@JuniperDenn Let's say she said that exact same thing. And then the older sister goes behind their mom's back and asks the younger sister anyway and the younger sister caves. What's our next step? Remember, we've already told them they can't do this.
OP never said he doesn’t want to be a parent he just said he doesn’t want to go through what his parents went through with his brothers condition it’s really weird rslash is becoming extremely soft and is not comprehending or keeping track of the stories he is reading
Yeah had the same thought listening to it. It sounds as if he wanted a child just not a child that was "normal". He wanted to be a parent and the agreed if this or that happened they wouldn't have the baby.
I think story one, OP is NTA at all. He payed child support, but he told his wife IN ADVANCE that he would not be put through that again and she brought it on herself. OP either could've stayed, been horrifically miserable, hate his wife, hate his child, hate his life, but instead he chose to remove himself, he payed the money that's due, and clearly is guilty over it but just couldn't do it. I think ya might need to rethink the score RSlash.
Man, these comments are massively divisive this time. Dabney, that 3/5 to OP of the 1st story is unnecessary. You’ve given that score to worse people. OPs ex was clearly ok with OP just paying child support, and it was not some irresponsible unplanned pregnancy; it was literally the definition of planned parenthood and the ex took the decision “my body, my choice”, which OP had to concede. He’s still the provider to the child. Do you know how many men doing hard labour jobs are out there that barely see their kids? Heck, prior to modern transport, that was the norm. Heck, for poor immigrants it’s still the norm. Some people I worked with didn’t see their kids for years and some up to a decade because they couldn’t afford to just travel back or to pay to bring them over. Yet they still tirelessly worked to support them, giving whatever finances their carers asked. Why are we suddenly demonising men? And I see no one talk about the amount of risk OP takes at his job. There’s a reason it’s so high paying. High risk = high reward. Yet he was taking that risk to support a child he didn’t agree to. That’s honourable. There’s plenty of reasons why a person may not want to be physically present with their child, and was very common with men who lost their wives during childbirth. The child reminded them of the trauma, so they preferred to be distant, and let others raise them. While the particulars are different OP, the principle isn’t. If we sympathise with others, we should sympathise with OP. He isn’t scum. He needs therapy sure, but he wanted to do right while minimising the amount of pain involved. Also, the comments going on about eugenics and that supporters of OP are trying to “cleanse the gene pool of disorders”, just…wow. OP specifically had a list of disorders that contribute to unhealthy upbringings like he had. You know who don’t pass on genes? Babies with fatal disorders. You only have an argument for “cleansing” if you start eradicating or sterilising adolescents or adults capable of reproduction. Aborting or not aborting a baby with severe congenital defect does absolutely nothing to the gene pool, except affect it negatively perhaps, since it can lead to depression in the parents, which can affect the chances of success for still existing or future children. It’s very easy to think “my bloodline is cursed” after losing a child to horrible damages they were stuck with since birth. Also, if a person does survive to adulthood but still has a very debilitating condition that requires constant care with no independence, I’m sorry but if the person is involved in a pregnancy, that is grape. No person in that condition can legally consent, so if the genes pass on from that individual directly, that is only due to illegal activity. And it does happen. The vulnerable are easily abused by their would-be carers. That said, I come from a family with a multitude of disorders on both sides, and have zero intention of passing any of them on. Celibacy is what I’ve chosen. A different branch of my family, with a different history, lost both their daughters to genetic disorder, one in childhood and the other as a young adult. Neither had kids, so their particular bloodline, for better or worse would not continue. Yet another branch of the family, had a defect that only affected males, which was a death sentence and none survived infancy. Meanwhile, the females had a different issue-genetic obesity. To the point one of the women refused to even consider conceiving, and adopted instead. That’s not the Nazi idea of eugenics, it is just the essence of planned parenthood. Every parent wants a child that will outlive them and live a better life than they did. If it’s unavoidable that’s one thing, but this is strictly in the context of planned parenthood, which does come with an option.
4:43 @rSlash I know that I don’t normally comment a lot but I just wanted to say, OP didn’t say that he didn’t want children, that was not what you read to us, he said he didn’t want a disabled child. This man was neglected by his family and watch his folks catered to his younger sibling to the point that they aged rapidly, and there was no care left over for him. He does not want to go through the same thing. His parents did to him. He does not want to be in his position and that’s his right. He and his ex were happy until she decided ti keep it even after they both agreed to terminate if that child would be born with disabilities. He tried to work it out with her but she wouldn’t agree so they parted ways. You made it sound like he should have stay to rise him but for all you know that would have been worst for him. He may have ended up hating the child, OP could have spiral for having to raise a child putting him in the same position he escaped from. Wouldn’t have been a good parent if he had stayed, he probably would’ve resenting his wife the child and things could’ve gotten a whole lot worse for him and for them, the kid short life feeling unwanted and no one wants that. He did the right to leave when he knows he couldn’t handle it. I have personally seen this happen with some of my relatives and it’s so sad so I understand why OP had to leave. Sure it was a “bad thing” but compared to what might have happened it’s the better choice. The parents had no room to talk when there the reason he has his feelings in the first place and the fact to say that there sorry they raised him this way and for him to said back that they never never raised him at all was just *chefs Kiss* I swear we said it at the same time.
I know it seems really horrible to want to terminate when the baby has certain conditions, but it's actually really responsible? If you know you can't handle the unique challenge of a disabled child, it's certainly more responsibile than putting then in foster care. Disabled people can live full lives, but even a child who can move out in this economy is a big ask
Thank god. You’re the first person I’ve seen have the most sane take. It IS responsible to not bring a disabled person (the type OP is referring to) into this world. Sure, they could live a full life, but they will never get to experience normality and will constantly have to suffer financial (and many other) consequences for their disability. They don’t get the choice of having to live with a disability. Parents who bring kids (disabled or not) into the world for the selfish reason of just becoming a parent or just having a kid are horrible. When you decide to become a parent, you immediately have to start thinking about what your kid would want and appreciate. I don’t think any kid has appreciated their parents for bringing them into the world knowing the kid would have such a difficult time living, especially since they’re living in physical, emotional, mental, or economic suffering.
Some disabled people can live normal lives, others can't, especially when being born that way. And tbh it's not horrible, in some situations it's literally selfish to give birth to a child that will never life a normal life or might even suffer and die early on due to some serious condition, it would be way more humane to get an abortion and spare the child all the suffering
Story 2: NTA; that mom is as more of an AH than the sister. Letting a 10-11 year old make such a life altering decision such as taking on parental obligations is child abuse, not giving them freedom, which she likely thought it as. She is not only responsible for OP losing their childhood but also for the sister being so entitled.
The mom not only told her 11 year old not to do it, but, scheduled activities for the 11 year old to do that were fun. Then, she told her older daughter to not ask her sister to do these things. Her older sister manipulated her 11 year old sister to drop the activities and help.
@@auberginebear Like... physically tackling her? Mom told OP not to do this. Mom told OPs sister not to ask OP to do this. Mom scheduled OP with other things to do rather than babysit. OP broke the rule and went behind mom's back and agreed to do this. She literally broke a rule IN ORDER TO parentify herself. I mean, I guess Mom could have called the police on OP's sister for abandoning the kids and taken said children to the police station. Mom could have kicked OPs sister out of the house and let her find a new place to live so she doesn't have access to OP. Remember, no one should have been watching the kids but OPs sister; the mom actually following the set boundaries isn't the villian situation.
For Story 1, I feel like r/Slash's must either had taken a break between the reading/opinion part or his brain just goes on autopilot for father stories. "Just wear a condom" wont solve OP's problem of not wanting a kid with disabilities. OP did everything right. They did all the tests, voiced how they felt, disengaged in the relationship and still pays child support. r/Slash's opinion comes off as tone deaf, attributing more blame on the father then the mother. This story is complicated but the father did everything he could.
1st story, I’m sorry to say that the “should have worn a condom” comment is utterly braindead. You read in the story where they *both* agreed they would not raise a child with a specific list of issues, this child had one, and she changed her mind after the fact. In any other case they clearly intended to carry it to term. That aside, you can’t force someone to be a parent.
Story two: so why didn’t OPs mom put her foot down sooner regarding OP being parentified by her sister? OP was young and wanted to help. She didn’t understand the magnitude of what would happen. The mom should’ve stepped up instead of blaming OP for her sister’s attitude.
Yeah, OP’s Mom is basically telling OP was up to her to stand up for herself when she was a child, especially an empathic child. Mom should’ve done more to protect OP and not put it on OP
Idk about NTA. Maybe not in this specific sitiation, but I'd call him AH in general. If you want a kid but don't wanna risk it, opt for adoption so you don't have to resort to killing. It doesn't have to be "your" child to be your child.
@@StarLord1206 well I’m not saying to kill them either, adoption is always both ways, but I’m just saying he knew what his limits were and he isn’t in the wrong to hold to them
@@StarLord1206 so you think it's better to be selfish and give life to a child that will never live a normal life or even die very early on with no quality of life than getting an abortion?
Story 3: Every attempt at communication failed, she assumed what was on a letter before even reading it, accused emotional manipulation when there wasn't any, like is she actually ok? Is there an episode she's going through, because this feels wrong
I am so glad so many comments agree that R/ is just plain wrong in the 1st story. Man was neglected all his childhood due to a disabled sibling, and did not want to relive such trauma again. GF decided she was going to force him to relive that trauma? Heck no! The man went the legal route and through the proper channels to make sure his kid was taken care of through financial means while his kid was alive. Not going to funeral might have been a bit harsh, but I can not blame him due to his past. NTA
NTA for the guy in the first story. The baby would be subjected to pain the moment they'll be born, OP knew that which is why he choose to have that agreement with his gf yet she broke it. Poor OP knew how everything was gonna play out from past experiences, which turned into some sort of trauma. The fact he had to experience the death of the baby, a situation he warned and tried to avoid, is upsetting yet everyone is bashing at HIM? Again, NTA
Last story: NTA, OP got clear permission and woman trying to guilt trip him beacuse she gave written permission. Not only he tried talk with his wife, the wife just screams and yells when trying to dicuss, is insane. OP should just divorce and move on. Its such mess.
I'm a gonna disagree slightly. I hardly call getting something written in anger and the heat of the moment, getting permission. I equate it to telling someone to drop dead, it's said in anger but anyone with common sense would know they didn't actually mean it. To me this just comes off as being technical to try and get away with something. The bottom line is he did cheat, he even admits he cheated and at that point I think they should have just ended the relationship. Don't get me wrong she's crap at communicating, but she under no circumstances has to accept him continuing to cheat on her as he doesn't have to stay in a sexless marriage.
I agree. I think the wife is stopping intimacy as a power move and she’s mainly upset that not only is OP outsourcing this, she gave him permission which he kept the evidence
I cant help but wonder if the wife is ok. Like, the line "smeks is only for making babies" for example. Is there some religious thing going on, did something bad happen to her that she wont talk about with OP (either before or during their relationship) and the trauma is manifesting in this way? Or is she simply a manipulator? OP is NTA in my book either way, but they really have some work to do if they wanna stay toghether in the long term.
@@lorilancaster5917 OP isn't outsourcing his literally cheating sorry to break it. its the same thing as someone who wants to open up their relationship after a few years of being magonist relationship.
I never condone cheating. But like... After two years of trying to talk about it he wrote her a letter. She wrote on it for him to get it elsewhere. She clearly doesn't care about his feelings at all if he's going to put all this time and effort into a goddamn letter and she can't even be bothered to read the fucking thing@@aluralovell6829
Story 1: you say the guy is an ahole for abandoning his child and that he still has a responsibility....yes he does, child support, and he paid it right away. Hes not the ahole
Rslash has rated differently before. A story about a guys gf that didnt want a kid, he begged her to keep it and she left after giving birth, then he was mad he was a single parent. Called the woman NTA for following all agreements, told the guy YTA for asking so much from someone whos only followed everything he has asked. I dont think OP did ANYTHING wrong.
1st Story: I can wholeheartedly understand OP and 100% agree with that person. He set VERY CLEAR boundaries, which the spouse violated. He did NOT want to be in any situation that had to do with an unhealthy child because of his past, which again, the Spouse agreed to at first but then changed her mind on her OWN acord. As someone who also wants to have healthy children in the future I completely understand OP. I had a girlfriend a while back and she wasn't a bad person, she was just unhealthy when it came to her diet and unfortunately her genes (which I am Not condeming her for people!). She had all kinds of alergies and was lactos intolerant, and all that was reason enough for me to not want any children with her and I was more or less okay with that, I don't need to have children, but she wanted that. That's the reason it didn't work out between her and me. I don't mind being together with a person that has some health "issues". I mean you can't help it if you're born with them. What I do have a problem with is if she wants to have children. Then I'm notokay with that. She has the right to do whatever she wants of course, like everyone else does. But stand by my decision. Unfortunately not everyone, or rather, Almost no one can understand that logic. Is it that wrong for me to have healthy children? And to be clear, Again, because many people these days take offense very easily, I'm not discriminating people that any sort of issues that they can't do much or anything about. My point is, I have my own right to choose which partner I want to have healthy kids with. And so does eveyone else. So again, I can understand both OP and other people who think the same.
Rslash missing again, and its always when its a dad with a kid, like yesterdays with the bruised child. First story set a boundary, gf crossed it. He was clear from the get go that due to his trauma growing up he didnt want anything to do with it, it wasnt a spur of the moment decision when she was in the hospital. He paid child support, he didnt “abandon” the kid
Rslash story 1 was never about OP not wanting children. But not wanting to raise a disabled child after having grown up in a house where he was neglected and his then girlfriend changing her mind after agreeing that they would abort if testing showed their child would be disabled. So that crack about wearing a condom was completely uncalled for.
I think the real buttholes in the first story are OP's parents for not giving him any opportunity to do what he wanted to do as a child. I get wanting your disabled child to be included in as much as possible, but it should never get to the point where other children become neglected. Since both parents were involved, was it not possible for one parent to do an activity with the disabled son and the to do something with OP? Like many others in this comment section I disagree with Dabney's butthole score in this case, especially since OP didn't try to get out of paying child support.
In the last story the line that got me was where she admitted she hadn't even read the letter and just assumed it was a begging/guilt tripping note and then still doubled down that it was OPs fault.
Story #1: "If OP didn't want to have kids, he should've used a condom" - not gonna lie, that is a terrible take. He wanted kids, but after his childhood full of neglect, he made it very clear, that he did not want to deal with a child with disabilites. He set a very clear boundary and the GF initally agreed that if so much as one test indicated the possibilty of any disability, they would abort. GF went back on that, and OP made it very clear that he would bail. He even paid child support. NTA Story #2: Nice of the mom for standing up for OP, but the yelling and blaming was uncalled for. She was 11, and yes, mom told her not to get sucked in, but she was friggin' 11. Why didn't mom step up then??? Definitely NTA Story #3: Another bad take, rSlash... usually it's once a cheater, always a cheater. Sure, they had issues, the wife refused intercourse and any sort of communication to find a solution. But that still doesn't excuse looking for some strange. There's no such thing as permission to cheat, that would be more an open relationship. If OP can't find a solution because the wife is unwilling, then divorce her and then go looking for booty...ESH from me.
Sorry rSlash, I have to disagree with you on the first one. Though it is a shitty and sad situation, OP *didn't* abandon his kid, he paid child support
So I'm asexual. I was in a relationship with someone who isn't asexual. We had sex a few times and I really did not like it, but I kept at it as a chore. My partner had a very high sex drive and it became a tense point between us. I eventually told them I was fine with them getting sex elsewhere because it's not something I can help with. I would be fine with it as long as it was just sex, but asked them to let me know if it ever became emotional/romantic. It worked for quite a while. We eventually broke up for different reasons. But I realized my partner needed that just as much as I wanted nothing to do with it. You have to find a way to compromise or you have to break off the relationship.
Whoa, no. He was fine raising a child, he specifically didn't want to raise one that had a severe handicap, that is akin to the one he dealt with growing up, which seemingly screwed up his life. He and his girlfriend were on the same page, he was was paying child support, he didn't fight that child support. The test included that it was one of the things that they agreed to abort on, she changed her mind. She is able to do that, but he is able to stick to his boundary. You're basically saying, that if someone changes their mind on something, is automatically now on the other person to completely change their life. I remember a story a while back, someone wanted a child, their friend gave them a child, and she paid child support, and used. Expressly said that they already said they didn't want a child, they gave op a child, and paid child support for that child, but when the situation is flipped, and it's someone that doesn't want a child, but is fine paying child support, now you're not okay with that? Setting a clear boundary, and someone else breaking that boundary, and you still pay child support, doesn't make you a deadbeat. A deadbeat is someone that abandons a child, and doesn't pay child support. The baby was supposed to be aborted, it wasn't, which is fine, again, if the woman wants to keep the baby, she can keep the baby, but she has to know the consequences, and accept them. You are the butthole, I'm giving you 3.5 out of 5 for being judgmental, inconsistent, and possibly a little sexist.
The first story OP is absolutely NTA all the way. The fact that he spent a lot of money to ensure the health of his baby and his explicit reminder that he did not want a disabled child makes him not the asshole. its a boundary that she decided to not respect.
OP didn't cheat. He had permission. More than that, she ordered him, in writing, to go elsewhere for "passionate hugging". That's not cheating by any rational interpretation.
Dad who left after his wife went back on her word and violated his clearly define boundary but still paid child support: 3/5 Woman who dumped her kids on a LITERAL CHILD so consistently they *literally* call the kid “mom” despite knowing full well she isn’t: 2.5/5 misandry allegations confirmed. Tell me I’m wrong.
Story 1: Nah rSlash you're wrong on this one. OP set up a clear, understandable boundary. He was aware that he didn't want to, and possibly even couldn't, raise a child that had a disability. What he did was honestly the best thing. ESPECIALLY because he didn't abandon the child, he paid child support. That's a lot more than what other 'fathers' do. Not everyone is built to raise a disabled child, and that's okay. OP was aware he wasn't build for it, especially after his neglected childhood. Story 2: How tf is a 10/11yr old meant to have a backbone??? The mother is at fault 100% for not standing up for her daughter when she needed it, but the sister is also 100% at fault for being (basically) a deadbeat Story 3: I... Am actually on OP's side with this. His wife literally said to go get it elsewhere, she is refusing to fulfill his needs. Now, no, she doesn't NEED to fulfill his needs but... A relationship works both ways, both people have their own needs, you have to either heavily discuss this and find a solution OR a compromise that works for BOTH of you. HOWEVER, it's clear OP's wife doesn't (or didn't) want to do that. Instead, she chose to be a child, manipulative, crying and screaming at him whenever he tried to talk it out. OP realised he was getting nowhere with just talking, and so SPENT TIME writing a letter for her to read, made sure it was as gentle as possible, and her response? Assume it was about sex and respond aggressively. She's upset that he did what she told him to do. She even admitted to not even reading the letter that OP had taken the time to write with a counselor. Personally, I think this is a reason to leave. She's clearly manipulative, and you both aren't on the same wavelength when it comes to personal needs. That's okay, not everyone will have the same needs. But it's a discussion couples need to have so they don't end up in this situation...
Story 3: maybe instead of cheating he should’ve just been an adult and divorced her. Then he wouldn’t be needing to ask the internet if he was a bad guy for cheating.
@@cynister7384 she was screaming at him every time he tried to talk about it and he thought her writing it in red crayon was enough of an excuse to cheat. He shoulda BEEN gone. But no, his petty childish ass said “well she *said* “ instead of just leaving. He really thought that this woman wasn’t going to have an issue with it when she’s known to throw tantrums over a mere conversation. Cheating is cheating. Her being a brat isn’t permission to cheat. Brother shoulda just left her.
Story 1: NTA. The gf performed a bait and switch. She's the one deserving the score in this situation. Story 2: I'm a bit dumbfounded by the critique towards OP's mother. "She should watch her grandkids instead". No, she shouldn't. She was trying to teach her older daughter how to be a mother, but she couldn't do that, because her younger daughter would step in and take away this responsibility.
That last story is infuriating. So the wife gets married, then informs him shell never be intimay, and gets angry that hes unhappy with it? It sounds like she wants a one sided relationship where she doesnt have to put forth any effort or affection. She wants a doormat who worships her
You do know that if both sides are consenting, then sex and intimacy isn’t an effort. She has no sex drive and is traumatized. If it’s a big deal then he needs to leave instead of harassing her about his dick.
Your child can become disabled in the womb, during birth, within months after the birth, within the first few years of their life, etc. If you do not want a disabled child, do not have children. Your child can become disabled at any point and they will be a lifelong responsibility. If you do not want that, do not have children.
Gotta disagree with your take on the first story, RSlash. OP had a clear reason for not wanting to raise a disabled child. He was neglected by his parents because his brother was disabled, and he clearly didn't want that narrative to repeat itself if he also had one disabled kid and one healthy one, and it seems he also didn't want to potentially project his resentment towards his brother onto his disabled child. If he had caved to his ex's pressure and been a part of his disabled kid's life, it's entirely possible he wouldn't have been a good parent to the kid. Opting out of being in the kid's life was the better option here, since it'd be better for them to have one sole parent in their life who loves them, instead of one active loving parent and one that is at best distant, and at worst just as neglectful as his own parents. OP may come off as a bit selfish, but I believe that some part of him was acting in the child's best interest as well. Personally, I'd rather a child of mine resent me for not being in their life at all over resenting me for being the worst active part of it, and I think OP is the same. (Edited for a bit more clarity)
