Totally missed the mark on the last story Rslash. The SIL needed to be shamed for her OBVIOUS scammy actions. Dont treat people that treat you like an object with kitten gloves. 0/5 Buttholes.
@@badkitty4922 do your ears a huge favour, don't waste your money on those Raycons, they are mediocre at best. If you want decent sound without the kind of money needed to get a big brand, you'd be much better off looking at a set of Tozo ear buds rather than Raycon. As much as I'm sure we can trust the person being paid and given free samples to say they are great, you only have to look at the unbiased reviews to discover they are anything but.
My boyfriend did the exact same thing with a friend of his from high school. Apparently he doesn't talk to this person anymore because it was a repeated issue
The woman's 'friends' who badmouthed op and her son, were saying she married for money. But it's pretty obvious they were only pretending to be ops friend because of ops husbands money
I think OP should fight fire with fire and put these women on blast on her social media platform of choice (after blocking them on it). If they’re gonna act like school-age students, use a school-age solution.
They were just leeches on OP's love affection and money and they didn't actually give a fuck about her, her son or her husband I'm just really glad that OP got to see those old hags true faces before it was too late lmao
So, according to the math, OP moved out as soon as she turned 18. With such a large age gap between the siblings, my bet is the mom wanted OP to raise the kids for her, so she GTFO ASAP.
--- 14 and 18-years age gaps to be more to precise. Like nothing unheard of ( my case is 8 & 10 from father's side and I lived with my mother ) but clearly the mother was something to be avoided for. ---
I am wondering if her mother was so upset about how her friend was treated was due to the fact she is trying to keep it a secret her daughter wants nothing to do with her. I mean come on if OP's mothers friend did not know how old she was or she did not live there seems suspect.
@@bshilling9924 it's possible OP's mum tells the friend OP is babysitting the kids some nights, so she doesn't have to hire a babysitter, but she just leaves her kids on their own instead.
Grabbing the wallet was not offensive in the slightest. That woman was just pissed because she got called out on her BS. I think that was the perfect way to handle the situation.
IKR?! I won't correct op's action even a bit. Forget being the biggest person, she intentionally forgot her wallet not once but almost everytime she in town? hell no she gonna learn the non-offensive way, it's 2022 she cud turns that as a jokes.
IMO it was perfectly justified to grab the wallet but if she did want to handle it more diplomatically she could have just brought it to her as they were leaving the house and been like "dont forget this!" or smt but its totally valid to go the route she did instead
Story 5: Screw subtle. Mooches like this need a harsh dose of reality. Shaming her like this is either going to put a stop to it or just make her go to cheaper places to eat. The OP isn't an asshole.
Agreed, OP has had to treat SIL's entitled ass way too many times. She always expects to let her stay at their place for free instead of booking a hotel room. She deliberately made reservations to expensive restaurants and then pulled the "oh, I forgot my wallet" crap over and over again. Also, she never paid OP back. And it's not like she stole from the SIL, she just made sure, that SIL had her wallet with her. Not the most elegant solution, but an effective one. OP's NTA as far as I'm concerned.
I am curious to see an update that this tactic did work? I am thinking positive and it is a YES. If not, you know that move is living rent-free in SIL's head.
There is an update to this story, SIL and MIL have been emotionally and financially abusing the husband for YEARS, and SIL said in a deleted comment that she did this deliberately. According to the update, this was the final straw and the husband (who had been in therapy for this abuse), was finally able to start cutting them out.
Story 4: rSlash, you're wrong here. Public shaming is sometimes the only way to get through to people like the SIL. The SIL is a manipulative piece of crap, and deserves no mercy.
He's also wrong for getting after the husband (and the OP was getting after the comments who were quick to jump at husband's throat), SIL and MIL had been abusing husband for years financially and emotionally. Good news in the update. The husband (who also took therapy for this abuse) was finally able to say no more to the abuse and start cutting those 2 out
I agree. How many times would OP have to tell her SIL, "I'm not paying, so make sure you have money" before SIL pays for her own bill? The SIL is clearly taking the piss out of OP, hence why she books the expensive restaurants and "forgets" her wallet. She thinks she can keep getting free food out of OP. Boohoo OP embarrassed her. Good! She deserved it. Maybe she won't be so forgetful next time. Also, picking up a wallet that doesn't belong to OP. I don't see anything wrong with that. OP didn't have intentions to go into it, or take from it, but just give it to SIL. It's not much different to picking up someone's coat, or handbag if they forget it. I would understand if OP used SIL money to pay for dinner without her knowing, and then giving back her wallet at home and saying, "thanks for dinner". That would require an AH score.
Last Story: I disagree with Dabney on this one because this seems like a "last straw" situation where OP probably tried to talk about it before so she was left with the options "be a doormat" or "be an AH", so being an AH is ok in this cases (at least on my book). This is one of the cases where the "Justified AH" judgment is missing.
Eh i think she deserves at least 0.5 buttholes. I think Dabneys suggestion of calling when OP went back in and “noticed” the wallet was the better option.
I would justify her behaviour as simply blunt and upfront, tell me to my face that I'm nothing more than a cash cow to you, sometimes I feel the worlds needs a bit of blunt and upfront otherwise nothing will progress ya know
@@DianaWanMa yep, as a teacher I was literally taught that shame is a very powerful teaching tool if you employ it correctly (which seems to be the case to me). I mean, there is a lot, A LOT, of stupid crap people refrain from doing out of shame.
I also feel he dropped the ball by going after the husband. Reading the comments from OP in the post, SIL and MIL have been emotionally manipulating and abusing husband for years and he's been getting therapy for it. There is good news in the update, the husband was starting to take measures in cutting those 2 out of his life.
When you deliberately forget your wallet to make others pay, specifically when you are told the other person will not pay for you, you deserve a slap in the face. What the OP did was more than justified especially since this is an ongoing issue
Um. No Rslash Last story, she’s just not the asshole. Her sil is very clear that she will never pay on venmo or PayPal so calling her out in front of a restaurant is probably the best way to do it.
And quite a few peole dont use the phone to pay because they eighter dont know how to set that up or bcause that is be a security nightmare. I would never use my phone to pay, its much easieer to use the data when its gets stolen and a physical card cannot be stolen over the Internet at all.
Hell, would someone like that even say that they have venmo or paypal? That's even easier to excuse over forgetting their wallet, something as simple as "I don't trust them/agree with their policies"
@@wumwum42 whilst I agree that payment using a phone/watch is a security risk, physical cards are actually a bigger risk. They absolutely can be stolen over the Internet, and worse still can be skimmed and written to a blank card in another country in a matter of seconds. There is a phenomenal lack of security on physical debit and credit cards.
@@wumwum42 Same here. I used it once, a long time ago, when I forgot my card at home. Heck, I've only been using my credit card lately, leaving my debit at home so no wallet thieves would have direct access to my bank account (I'm responsible with my credit card spending, keeping it paid off).
You seriously think the delicate approach would have changed a thing in that last story? No way! She would have made some other stupid excuse. Her wallet NEEDED to be brought. It’s not like OP stole it. She just brought something her dear SIL forgot. Perfectly reasonable imo!!
hard disagree on the last story. If SIL honestly forgot her wallet she would've been all in on going for separate bills, and then when she realised she forgot then asked OP to cover (with a promise to repay). Asking for one bill means she knew what she was doing, and didn't even respect OP enough to ask if it was ok for them to cover before ordering. OP standing up for themselves and refusing to continue to be taken advantage of is not something worthy of a butthole score IMO.
Exactly. OP did not steal from her she simply got tired of being stolen FROM and eliminated her excuse. rSlash can disagree on how he would have handled it he can feel free to implement that when someone is stealing from him. But I'd have slipped her wallet in her purse ditched her at the restaurant. "We need one bill" yeah and YOU are paying it now! Peace. I might get an asshole score for that but that is how I'd do it. Fuck em.
I don't think my comment worked with the link, but there was a few edits & an update, including part of a now deleted comment from Amy. The full thing can be found when you search: OOP wonders if she's the AH for bringing SIL's wallet to the restaurant after her SIL conveniently keeps on forgetting it.
I agree with you. SIL was leaving her wallet on purpose and expects OP to pay, which is very selfish. I think what OP did was justified and SIL should pay her half of the bill and stop being cheap
Yeah, OP was too subtle with that one. She should have called ahead to the restaurant, for the waitstaff bring out a cake to commemorate the 100th time she's forgotten her wallet. Make a spectacle of it. Perhaps a nice wrapped gift box containing a monogrammed silver wallet chain and a couple AirTags. At that point, you know you're going to end up paying for dinner anyway, might as well have some fun with it.
Brainwashing can be very strong & it likely that her mom threatens to cut her off any time she starts questioning what she was told. Hard place for a young adult to be. The colleges won't give her student loans since it sounds like OP can afford it, & the gov expects the parents to be responsible for tuition & housing costs.
Yeah, any warning would have meant she just has time to find a new way to get around it. I personally just would have said no to going to the restaurant or something. It wouldnt mean that nobody would get mad but at least theres no situation in which im tricked into paying for everything.
Yeah, SIL didn't deserve a 'delicate' approach. OP was straight up and told her to pay for herself. SIL tried to pull a scam anyway. And what kind of a hole picks a super expensive place AND intends to stiff someone else with the bill?
She is using them to partially finance her visit and even when OP warned her that she would not pay for her, she still tried to weasel out of it... Like you said people like that will always find a way... "Oops! My card is not in my wallet!"... Also sounds like she has an expectation that her brother has too/will take care of her no matter what...
@Jack Watt True. I also agree with the folks that said the husband should be dealing with his sister. It's clear she's an entitled mooch. I would have told her that if she 'forgot' her wallet again we would absolutely leave her there to figure it out herself. And then do it!
Yeah if there's one thing I noticed about Rslash ''AmITheAssh*le'' is that each episode has kinda it's own theme with alot of stories having a similar message.
Girl you have a husband, that means you don't have to deal with anything by yourself. The point of marrying someone is that your life partner, you're supposed to cry to your husband.
@DarkCoreX ??? I just said it seemed odd as r/slash said(MY OPINION). The situation just seem so obvious OP did nothing wrong but to go to ask reddit is odd. I'm not saying it is fake but is me being skeptical that this story is fake on Reddit so weird to you?
My favorite part of watching rslash is when he's half way through a story and realizes the op is the AH and his voice changes in to entitled Karen mode. Chef's kiss.
Story 3: A joke is only funny when everyone in the room laughs. If only you are laughing, that's just bullying! To top it all off, they insulted *OP'S DISABLED SON!* I would've confronted those two bitter AHs and yelled at them for even saying that. NTA.
@@babymama406 It is a disability. As is autism. They're referred to as mental disabilities. The only illnesses that also are disability are chronic genetic disabilities, eg. me with hEDS.
so what that OPs son doesn't become a lawyer or doctor if he wants to go in tech he can also make a lot of money. OPs husband problaly paid most of the vacation if not all
@@spoopyvirgil4944 The term however is controversial, as people with things like ADHD and autism can have far higher IQ's than the general public. The more sensitive way of saying it is "learning difficulty" rather than "disablility" Spoken by me, someone with autism.
@@revengenerd1 I also have autism. I say it's a disability because it is. I have bad short-term memory and struggle with tone regulation, leading to me getting yelled at by my mom if I accidentally sound upset or angry. I basically shut down during storms because I'm hypersensitive to noise. I've had overstimulation meltdowns that caused me getting scolded and yelled at because I wasn't able to calm down. While some people might not view it as a disability, and just a difficulty, I do. Autism and ADHD don't just effect learning, it effects everything.
Story 3: NTA; that's not how someone treats their friends, and the husband asked, so it isn't like OP told him unprompted, but it would have come out. Also, spouses are supposed to stand by one another, that's literally one of the main reasons for marriage.
Which makes me think that revealing that OP had a husband who actual cares about his spouse is why they are really mad. Odds are their husbands would tell them that hanging out with guys they know is more important than their little drama. And being that the kids are college age, means odds are they have actually experienced that exact situation (catty friends are usually always that way and do it about each of their group) Odds are they have probably been in OP's shoes before and their hubby's told them their drama wasn't going to change their plans...... The jealousy from realizing OP's husband legit cares about OP unlike in their marriages is probably where their extreme anger is actually coming from. Lol.
Story 2: Worst part is that Ariel's behavior is the result of OP's ex-wife being butthurt about being caught cheating and taking it out on OP's new wife. Hopefully Ariel fully understands why things went the way they went in the future and completely ditches that toxic woman (no contact). Funny how the ones who cheat and get caught wind up trying to play the victim and project
Yea, part of me hopes this breaks down her mom and make her tell the truth but the other part of me knows it wont happen because you can tell her "reputation" is more important to her then her daughters education...
yea I kinda feel bad for Ariel too. Not for disrespecting OP's family, obviously, but for for having such shit mom that would go out of their way to manipulate you. I really hope she realizes that one day
I feel like it might do the daughter great to read this post from OP and understand OP's POV and a little bit about the true character of her mother, any thoughts on that?
The mean girls in story 3 should be happy that OP is the way she is. My mother, and many like her, would have scalped both of those women with her bare hands
With the wallet story the op said that their sister gives other excuses, so if they told her before hand about the wallet she would have just given a different excuse at the restaurant. As for PayPal and Venmo, not everyone uses those and it isn’t worth expecting everyone to. Yes it’s a lot more common now, but it’s still not something everyone does, more often in older demographics, but many young people don’t either
@@Bremend I’ve had some bad experiences with both, like I’ve had a PayPal account for like, maybe a couple years, and the number of times somebody has attempted to charge something through my account, and later just attempted logins is staggering.
For the college story, I heard this one before and my only question was if the college tuition apart of your divorce agreement. If so op is screwed. They can sue him. For the wallet story, I would have gave it to her as soon as I walked out house saying hey I saw your wallet didn't want you to forget it. But yeah the husband is feckless for not telling his sister to knock it off
First Story, NTA: I would’ve laughed too. It isn’t like OP’s mom told OP to do so (even though I would’ve laughed at OP’s mom too) this is OP’s mom’s friend did this. I wouldn’t allow anyone to treat me like a child Second Story, NTA: I mean it’s OP’s money and he can do what he wants with it. Also, I wouldn’t want to be treated like an ATM nor support someone who disrespects my new family. Ariel brought this on herself. It sucks that this behavior stems from OP’s ex being mad that she got caugjt cheating Third Story, NTA: Good on OP’s husband for defending his wife. They wasn’t joking, they just wanted that free trip. OP’s friends are fake and pathetic. They don’t even have the balls to talk to OP to her face. OP’s sister is not making sense at all Fourth Story, NTA: I would’ve done the same thing. All OP’s SIL want is a free meal everytime she shows up. I disagree rSlash. This is a constant thing and I’d be sick and tired of being forced to pay for someone that always lie to get free food. Not to mention, she specifically expensive restaurants knowing OP does have a lot of money
3rd story: Yea, she should tell her husband again because it is obvious those ladies are getting into trouble with their husbands because of THEIR behavior. Let those poor husbands know what kind of people they are married too! OP didn't mess up "THEIR" trip they messed it up themselves by being bitter, cruel, back stabbing woman. (If they are not already Kerens, they will be!!! LOL)
i disagree on the fourth story. I would have grabbed the walled and given it to the SIL before leaving. Like "oh hey, you left your wallet. here you go, now you don't have to ask us to pay for your food." the fact that OP put the walled in her purse and kept it secret for the whole meal, just to achieve some cheap "gotcha" moment is a wee bit a-hole-y
@@zilesis1 I mean keep in mind the SIL was doing this constantly. She convienently didn’t have her wallet everytime she host at these expensive restaurants. Yeah I’d get it if it was once or twice but from what it sounds like, the SIL does this everytime she comes to visit OP and her husband. Not to mention she is aware that OP can afford the bill but still wants a free meal instead of paying for her part of the bill. In my opinion, I think catching the SIL in her lie was more effective because I think she will just keep on “forgetting” her wallet when it is time to pay
@@xKCAZxLEADER OP could have still bee passive aggressive about it if she did it the way i suggested above, so the SIL would still get the memo that her nonsense won't fly anymore but the fact OP basically hid the walled in her purse for, presumably, several hours while they ate is just not a good look. OP effectively stole the SIL's wallet by taking it without permission and hiding it i stand by my opinion that OP should have confronted the SIL as they were leaving the house, not waiting for several hours with someone else's property in her possession
Kudos to that kid in the “Crying to my husband” story! Being in a school setting is so difficult for us with ADHD, so it really is a huge accomplishment! Those other “mothers” are disgusting and unsympathetic, with the mentalities of gossipy teenage girls
Yes and it's clear they were only friends with OP because her husband was well off and expected him to pay for all of their amenities. I knew someone like this and she went through friends as soon as the shine wore off, she was looking for someone else to further her narcissism. It should come as no surprise that she's now a bitter old woman who has no contact with her children or grandchildren. People can only take so much
The boy in the story is lucky. My parents were against medication so I've had to work extra hard at school, despite my ADHD diagnosed at 7, and confirmed 1 year later. It was really hard, but I graduated, with good grades! 🥳
I once read this story where a bunch of mothers were talking about their kids and one mother, Holly, had an adoptive son with DID, and their "friend" started saying how it was so sweet of her to take him in because he was never going to get anywhere with his disorder. Holly's response was to tell this mother that her son would never get anywhere either with his lisp and speech impediment and no one would ever hire him, and when the mother objected, she said "Oh, I thought we were playing this game where we pick holes in our friends' children." The mother quickly apologized, so Holly did too. Her son was her baby (despite only coming to her family when he was ten) and he actually grew up successful. He got married to his high school girlfriend, had three kids, became a successful actor and lived a long and happy life with lots of friends who accepted him for him. I know that sounds like a happy-ever-after story. There were lots of bumps along the way, both caused by his disorder, other people and his own self, but by the time he was an old man, he was still happily married to the same woman and all of his kids were grown up and had families of their own, and he was still in contact with his closest friends.
In the fourth story (forgotten wallet thing) OP handled the situation beautifully despite what rslash says. Some people just don't deserve the kind approach.
Third story: that's what I call 'The Lion, The Wardrobe and the Audacity of These Bitches'. The two badmouthed OP and her son behind OP's back, then got mad when OP's husband decided to not pay for them to go on vacation? If their own kids are so succesful as they claim, they can pay for their own vacation; Fourth one: I disagree. Like other comments pointed out, the SIL would find another excuse to not pay for the bill. The fact she tried to dump it all on OP AGAIN shows that was the last straw, and if she still tries to pull that shit next time the solution is simple: not invite her ever again. Cut all contact if necessary.
Or like say that at the restaurant so she doesn't have time to think of some way to hide her cards or something. Like as you are getting the bill "Oh! Btw I saw your wallet on your suitcase on my way out! I *forgot* to tell you until now!"
I was so ready to get pissed at the husband in the "aita for crying in front of him story", only to get really happy when he told both of them to fuck off n they don't get the trip anymore Edit: To everybody talking in the reply about my 'pessimistic man hating attitude'; English isn't my first language, so the way that it was worded "aita for crying in front of my husband", I understood (and yes assumed) that the story would be about her husband getting mad about her crying. Simple as that, without more context in the title, no one else being mentioned, I assumed the husband was the one angry about op crying. I'm very sorry about any misunderstanding due to me not precising this in my original comment. I understand that on the internet, pretty much everybody assume that everybody has the same level of English comprehension
The fact that you were so ready to be "pissed at the husband" without any context, definitely makes you seem like a man-hater. I feel bad for the men in your life.
@@seekeroftruth6728 To be fair, majority of these kinds of stories have the spouse get all mad at them or do something sucky. It's not exactly wrong of them to assume that, hell even I did and I'm a dude myself. Don't gotta get all worked up over it man
Story 4: OP might've pushed a _teeny_ bit over the edge, but that doesn't excuse SIL's behavior. If you're going to eat at a restaurant, and you're an adult, you gotta pay for your chunk of the bill.
I disagree with you rSlash with last story, op dosen't deserve a butthole score. Being nice like asking what's your paypal or similiar things would not work, sis in law could say she dosen't have any and what op would do next? And taking her wallet was the right thing to do.
When it comes to the wallet issue, I don't think there is a problem since it was just sitting on top of the suitcase. If she had dug through her stuff, opening the suitcase, or opening drawers, sure, she'd have been wrong. But in this case, she just opened a door, saw the wallet, and brought it with. I don't have an issue with that.
2nd story - I’m not saying I disagree with Rslash, but I can’t help but wonder what the daughter’s version of the story is, because it seems like it might be that his daughter wants time with her Dad, there’s tension, and the Dad just deals with the problem with money. I grew up like this, and that causes a lot of pain. I have no emotional connection with my parents now because they never wanted to spend time with me. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if on top of that, one parent remarried.
Ariel's version of the story is, my father is holding the college fund he promised me for years hostage unless I hang out with his mistress. Regardless of how true either side is, that's hers, and it's tragic.
@@silverselkie1692 I didn’t understand why people were believing the guy his story left so many questions and in the comments he refuses to answer any question I feel like that’s a bit sus. It’s like he painted The story in his own way to make him look innocent, so people would sympathize with him because he was cheated on.(I know that cheating is a terrible thing, but he doesn’t have to treat his daughter like crap because of it.)
*First OP:* How do you forget about someone's funeral!? If you're gonna make an excuse, be realistic! And the mom's friend has a lot of nerve scolding OP for not agreeing to babysit her younger siblings last minute (likely for free, too). Stay in your lane, lady! OP is NTA. *Second OP:* It's OP's money; he can do with it as he pleases. Plus, he didn't flat-out take back the money. OP gave Ariel a choice: either respect OP's family or apply for student loans. OP is NTA. *Third OP:* OP's "friends" are just mad because they screwed themselves out of a free trip. OP is NTA. At least she knows not to engage with those two heifers again. *Fourth OP:* OP is helping her SIL; I don't see the problem here. 😛 OP is NTA. Her husband needs to cut his sister and mom out of his and OP's lives. I get rSlash's point, but I don't think OP's approach warrants a 1/5 Butthole score. Maybe a .25/5 at most if she _has_ to get a score.
There is an update on the fourth story, husband has started to cut SIL and her mother out of his life. He was getting therapy because they had abused him financially and emotionally for years to the point where he was made to normalize their behavior, and that restaurant incident was the final straw.
Second story: that’s actually a really crappy thing to do to your own kid, holding money that they need for college over their head in forcing them to be in a relationship with people that they don’t want to have a relationship with. It’s very normal for a kid of divorced parents to spin time with their own parents.
With the last story, as much as I understand getting her Venmo/PayPal etc., OP specifically stated that the she’s never been paid back so I don’t trust that she’d give OP and her husband the money for food that time either. Sure maybe she should’ve told her she grabbed her wallet on the way out the door, but I think it was justified to give her a harsh dose of reality.
Last story: Absolutely NOT TA. If I genuinely forgot my wallet, I'd be _so grateful_ that my SIL grabbed my wallet! She didn't forget, she was mortified that she was called out.
For the sister inlaw that “forgets” her wallet..disagree R/slash I think a little humbling embarrassment might teach her to remember her wallet from now on. I would have done the exact same thing.
R/slash, WTH is with your judgment of the story regarding the moocher SIL "forgetting her wallet"? You do know that there's an update regarding that story that sheds more light regarding why OP's husband is acting like a doormat. But you didn't cover that update, and even gave the victims of the MOOCHER-in-law's ways asshole scores?
College payment story: ESH I've got my own take and no one is going to like it. There are multiple sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. I would bet the daughter and mothers perspective of this story is much different. Look, mom cheated and she's responsible for that. She's also responsible for alienating her daughter from her dad's family. Alienation is wrong on every level but I know that I, as a parent, wouldn't want my child around a former friend who betrayed my trust and ended up with my ex. There are several betrayals there, cheating or not. That said...the dad's family aren't owed a relationship with his daughter. She owes them nothing and it isn't inherently disrespectful to not want a relationship with them. She was a kid and while she's an adult now that doesn't change the fact that she thinks dad cheated. OP said she just doesn't talk to them or onvite them to things. That's NOT disrepectful. She has every right to do that. Him trying to force a relationship all these years contributed to the problem significantly. Also, can I get some support here for my hatred of Tori? From my perspective...she sabotaged their relationship to be with OP. She was mom's friend,, betrays mom...and then magically winds up with him after being HIS rock during the divorce? Does that not sound shady to anyone? Yes, mom cheated...but how many stories have we heard where someone sabotage a friend's relationship that played out very similar to this. It would have been really easy for Tori as mom's best friend to encourage her to cheat. They were what 20? 21? "You're so young. You're a hard working mom. You deserve to have fun". Then when Torinfinally convinces her, Tori runs to OP. That wouldn't absolve the mom obviously, and it's total speculation, but it just seems a little too convenient that she betrayed her friend and ended up with OP after being his rock. That stinks to high heaven. Regardless of anything with Tori, OP is punishing his daughter for not wanting a relationship with people she isn't required to have a relationship with. She doesn't need to have a relationship with her step mom or half siblings to have one with her dad and OP putting this line in the sand for his daughter based on that is just not cool. He is using finances to manipulate her and going back on his word with NO WARNING. That makes him an asshole too.
Yeah, it really bugged me when he said "she was crying but I didn't fall for it" like even if we assume op and Tori are the squeaky cleanest nicest people in the world. That doesn't mean Ariel was fake crying. She was promised something for years, and now she has to decide between being in debt for who knows how long or being forced to spend time with people she is convinced destroyed her family. Even if she's wrong, that doesn't mean she's fake crying. Op's dad really needs to get this perfect blended family out of his head and except his relationship with his daughter for what it is.
@@silverselkie1692 thank you! Yeah, there were a lot of little things like that which gave me, if not red flags, signs that things weren't exactly peachy perfect from OPs end.
The only issue is that the money was promised to Ariel for years. Op had already come to the decision to not help with college and instead of telling the moment he changed his mind, he waited until the money was due to yank the rug out from under her and say figure it out. That's really the only problem I see here. You should have given her time to figure something out. Most FA and scholarships have to be submitted a certain amount of time before the beginning of the actual school year, not the beginning of a semester.
Completely agree. Not only is the father pissy that his kid doesnt wanna play house with his new family, he waited til it would cause the most dmg to pull the rug out from under his daughter- all the while, even with Ariel being an adult, all of this shit stems from her mother’s actions. Yet he’s taking it out on their daughter. This guy isnt acting like a father, he’s acting like he’s still the age he was when Ariel was born
I agree. The fact that his new wife agrees with him 100% to me makes me wonder, too about her and how good either of them have actually been to Ariel. The who,e story is a bit strange. This is not going to make her like his family, it’s pushing her further into her mom’s manipulative arms. It sounds like he’s expecting the mom to own up, but not once has he said he’s tried to explain the real situation to her. I mean, she was a TODDLER when everything happened. Addressing the math thing. My father didn’t realize he was born out of wedlock until YEARS later (he admits he’s not the best at math, but also think it just never occurred to him, his parents were there and married for as long as he could remember, so I don’t think he thought about it (we still tease him about it, but in good fun, it doesn’t hurt his feeling)). He’s also sending a message to her that he doesn’t love her, especially not more than his new family. He says she’s acting “nasty”, but doesn’t actually describe nasty behavior, maybe rude, but nasty is debatable. The post that rslash references accuses Ariel of using her father as an atm, where it says that nowhere in the story. Expecting your father to follow through on a promise he made you himself, is NOT the same as her choosing who she wants to be at her party. It doesn’t seem like she doesn’t want to spend time with and talk to him, because he repeatedly describes her interacting with him. Sure, maybe she’s a little “selfish” because she doesn’t want to share her time with her dad with. Also, back to the party thing. Most people would not invite their 13 year old sibling to their graduation party. I never had one, I do have younger siblings, but damn, most people invite their friends to their parties, and he’s all butthurt she didn’t roll over with letting them to HER party, which it sounds like he didn’t pay for. She’s not obligated to like her father’s family. Sure, I think the son may be her half sibling, it’s sad they don’t have a relationship, but, if given the chance, when they’re more mature, they COULD have one. He is effectively destroying any of that chance. You can’t blackmail someone into loving somebody. He’s saying “my way or you lose your chance at a better future”, and doing so at the last minute, he’s an asshole.
@@Closer2Zero And what kind of condition is developing a relationship with his family? Isnt she his family? So he wants her to pretend to like them for money until she's done college? And just how much of a relationship is she required to develop? What are the number of hoops to jump through before he lives up to his agreement and how many can she miss before funding is pulled? That's pretty messed up.
@@Closer2Zero Agreed. She doesn't have to like them. College is part of child support in my opinion especially if it's been promised. She's not buying expensive dumb things it's college. I think it's an asshole thing to suddenly stop paying because she doesn't love his new family
God, that crying to husband story reminded me of when I left my toxic friend group. They were my only friends at a shitty university and made me feel like garbage so when I knew I was going home for the summer and then moving to a better uni, my literal last words to them were "fuck all of you". Thankfully I found the most amazing group of friends who I consider family now (and vice versa). It's an unfortunate lesson you have to learn in life that some people you think are friends are just using you in some way and you have to stand up for yourself. This woman actually handled the situation better than I would as I wouldn't hesitate to create a scene if someone was blatantly disrespecting me or the people I love so I really hope that they had a lovely family trip without those backstabbing bitches😂
That second story is highly dependent on what the student situation is. In my country (Netherlands), if you study the amount of loans that get gifted and the amount that's a loan is determined by what the parents earn. It becomes a bit more complicated with a divorce, but the government assumes that each parent will split some of the costs. For me, I'd typically spend 2 days of the week at my moms place, and my dad would get me stuff like jackets. Paying for a term of college, depending on where they are from, might be a financial obligation rathwr than a gift of kindness. If this is the case, then yes he is a bit of a buthole because he is going against the law.
Story 3: OP isn't the AH for refusing to pay for college. He is however, the AH for not communicating that change until pressed about the issue. He made a commitment, and if your going to pull out of a commitment like that, even if it isn't in writing, you need to set reasons and expectations beforehand. I give it an ESH.
Coming from a very similar experience to the second story. It took me finding my father in lies before I finally stopped believing him. He cheated on my mother and for years told me she cheated on him that he still loved her but she didn’t want anything to do with him (all false. She tried her best to keep things civil and he only showed that on the surface when he was talking to her for weekend pickups). For years I hated my mother till one day I caught him in a lie. That day I told my mother everything he’d been telling me and I asked her for the truth. She gave it along with telling me the other people who had witnessed it and I even asked them and they all confirmed it. I don’t really blame the daughter yes it’s rude and feels awful but she’s been brainwashed. It doesn’t matter how many times a different person says they’re lying you won’t believe it if you’ve been brainwashed. What she needs is to hear her mother say she’s been lying before she finally sees what’s really been going on.
Story 3: More info is needed. If there's a child support order with a post high school education plan in it then OP is a MAJOR AH. Ariel's mom would have planned out and saved money for half of Ariel's tuition and to have OP suddenly back out, no matter how good the reason is, screws up Ariel's future out of spite. If there is only a verbal agreement then it's an ESH. Ariel's mom is obviously an absolute AH, Ariel is just a victim of her mom's anger and spite. It's hard to get a child to disbelieve the parent with whom they are living with the most, but I feel that if the correction had started earlier the outcome could have been different. If I were OP I would have taken the mom to court for parental alienation and done everything humanly and legally possible to put an end to the mom's attempts to sour my relationship with my child.
nah they should have left the sister in law at the restaurant to wash dishes to cover her tab then. hell no, and the husband sucks the most here if my sister did that regularly i’d be embarrassed/responsible for paying when she flakes/stop inviting her over when she disrespects my spouse
Second story: I´m going with ESH. Yes, OP is absolutely justified in not wanting to be an ATM and not paying for college when his daughter refuses to respect his family. However, it is wrong to basically try to blackmail his daughter into having a relationsship with his family by holding the money over her head. Cut her of and that´s that. Don´t use your money to get what you want. It won´t do anybody good and the relationship that would form this way wouldn´t be a true realtionship, it would be a fassade to get the money.
If Ariel is going to treat him like an ATM then she can used to that money having strings attached, and "be civil to my wife and son" isn't that big an ask.
Yea definitely bound to cause resentment and even more animosity. Plus, she may be screwed for loans, aid, or any kind of assistance because her parents can pay and the year has already started. But, hopefully Ariel can get away from her mom in a new environment and get help.
@@black1917 that sounds like the sentiment: YTA so I am justified to be one too. No, trying to force someone to be around somebody they clearly dislike by holdig money over their head is simply not cool, regardless of what the other person has done. And especially since OP didn´t warn them about him not paying, but literally waited for the last moment when he should have already payed the money by the original agreement they had. That is another reason why I´m going with ESH. If your cutting someone of, at least give them the time to make other arrangements. And it sounds like Ariel has been brainwashed by her mother to believe OPs wife is pure evil and the cause of the end of their marriage. I also wouldn´t like somebody whom my dad cheated with. That reality looks completely different is pretty clear to us, but for Ariel, she believes her mother. So yes, for her this is something pretty big to ask.
@@blackangel6589 Ariel has all the facts infront of her to disprove EVERYTHING she's been told by mom, she's had over a decade of therapy to help with this. At what point do you say it's her own fault and that she is ACTIVELY resisting and ignoring the truth? For me it's the late teens. She is CHOOSING to ignore facts at this point. She to be a bitch to OP's wife and son. We're past the point where it's understandable, SHE'S MADE HER CHOICE AND CHOSEN HER SIDE.
RE: Woman crying to her husband about her friends. Those were my thoughts exactly... of course she confided in her husband, the ability to rely on each other for support and comfort is the primary reason for marriage. Take that off the table and all you have are a few tax advantages which don't quite cover a very costly roommate, lol. That's the whole point. However, I think the sister has a point. OP isn't an a-hole for talking to her husband, but I think she'd feel a lot better with herself if she was the one to confront them head on. I would not characterize OP's actions as tattling on them, or asking her husband to fight her battles, but she owes it to her self to be the one who confronts them. Let them see the murder in your eyes. Make them uncomfortably back-pedal and feel small and worthless. They have brass-balls behind her back or on the telephone, but if they had to look her in the face and explain themselves... that's precisely what people like them try to avoid. If they had the courage to make those comments to OP's face, they would have done so. They're terrified of being seen for what they really are and being judged for it. Don't let the cockroaches scurry into the safety of the shadows, make them take accountability in the open. But some people are not good with that type of confrontation. Doing that takes a lot of courage, and even more self-control. A dispassionate rationality, the ability to articulate your emotions while momentarily choosing not to feel them, to ensure your response remains on-point, relevant, and proportionate to the offense. Some people just can't do that, they get too nervous or they over-react. If OP is one of them, then she made the right call with a tactful retreat. I can respect that too. But personally, I like to watch my enemies squirm. But I'm also a total bastard, so her way was probably the better option. As for OP's son... I have a lot more respect for someone who had to make an effort to overcome a challenge than I have for someone for whom it came easily. It means he has developed a strong resolve, it requires self-motivation and a lot of character. That's not a bad thing. Often the kids who get straight As with ease have never been in a situation where they might fail, and the first time they do, you'll find they're as fragile as glass. She's right to be proud of her son, not just because she's obligated as his mother, but because he has exhibited qualities all parents want their children to possess and few actually achieve. Don't let people like that get in your head. In my experience, people tend to boast more about things they feel insecure about... over-compensation.Their sniping was probably just an effort to assuage their own anxieties about their children's futures. That's what we call an "Exposed nerve"... something you can poke and prod at until they are psychologically undone. If OP were to launch a counter-strike, that would be the focal point of my assault.
If she had confronted them while they outnumbered her then they would have employed their bullying techniques on her without her husband's support. Possibly still getting the trip and to continue bullying OP..... I say this because of her response (and especially the way she worded it) to the "friend" saying it was wrong she went to her husband. It makes me think they regularly manipulate her. Think about the things the "friend" said too.....we were just joking, she said it in such a way that she legit expected OP to then be okay with it, because their kids wants it. Plus if they were on an actual level where OP truly felt like they legitimately were friends she probably would have. Plus bullies enjoy seeing the pain in their victims eyes.....so confronting them face to face (especially if OP cried) would end up with the bullies still getting to reminisce together about how OP looked/acted/cried while confronting them. OP ditched them, didn't give them that last bit of satisfaction of seeing her pain, and even more importantly revealed something that you pointed out in your first paragraph.....they clearly are the golddiggers who don't truly love their husbands because they saw basic normal communication with the spouse as abnormal, and they probably are also jealous that OP's husband actually cares about OP, I bet theirs don't....... and odds are that is actually why they said OP should have confronted them herself because then they wouldn't have to be aware of the difference in a loving marriage and whatever garbage they are living in.
No, his daughter is NOT treating him like an ATM. As he clearly points, she is interested in spending time with HIM, just not "the other family". Which is the most normal thing in the world. Hating your parent's "new family" is normal. Also OP waited until the last possible moment to drop that he won't be paying, which in itself is an asshole move. That he then tells her to have a bond with his family if she wants his money with no time left to do things like loans or alternative funding is not only manipulative, it is scummy and emotionally abusive.
Dude, that’s a good point. Even though OP’s ex-wife is pretty terrible, that he will give her the money if she would bond with his family is pretty manipulative
As a married adult with a 3-year-old daughter, if someone ordered me to “go to my room” I’d be like, “with pleasure! Can I lock the door behind me and take a long nap while I’m in there?!” 😂
For the last story I disagree with you Rslash, Op doesn't deserve a score at all. Even if she did go with passive approach it still would've been the same, the SIL is a moocher who is pissed that she is being forced to pay and the husband needs to speak up.
Like even if OP looks young in the first story who does this woman think she is? If this is someone old enough to watch children I wouldn't talk down to them the way that psycho of a friend did to OP.
Disagree on the 2nd story. OP is ruining his chance to ever set the record straight with his daughter. Even if she finds out that her mother lied to her for years, now he's the man who put her in debt without any warning beforehand, despite his years of promise to prevent said debt. Who knows, maybe she wouldn't have gone to college if she knew she couldn't afford to? He pulled out after she already started. Plus, it sounds like he didn't reach out to her much if she still doesn't realize the timeline thing
For the second story op should check the rules for child support for his state because the state I live in child support has to be paid until the child finishes college (speaking from experience) and I wonder if the deal they made was verbal or written down because then he’d have to follow whatever is written in the agreement
as someone with sever adhd to the point i had to take heavy dosage of medication to deal with it for most of my life i kinda hate how people use it as an excuse. and in some cases it’s valid but don’t use it on behalf of others
i feel like moving out at 16-18 is such a red flag, it’s indicative of toxic family dynamics that you would rather struggle on ur own then stay, or that ur parent would kick u out to fend for urself when you’ve scarcely had the opportunity to save some money and be even remotely financially stable.
Story 2 - with Ariel, there's one thing not mentioned super clearly: OP has mentioned they've paid their child support, but might be conveniently failing to mention if college is part of their support agreement or not. I.e. was it an "understanding" or "a requirement" to pay the support. Because in one of those cases, he's 100% NTA. And in the other case, it doesn't matter how he feels, he's TA for going against the agreement. Something just feels a bit unclear, has he *actually* fulfilled his agreement in full?
@@mariposa9506 imagine you was promised something for your whole life, then for it to be stripped from you. That’s why I sympathize with Ty Long from kung fu panda.
3rd story: Those ex-friends try provoking saying "What are you going to do, cry to your husband?", the correct response is go to THEIR husbands. I'm sure they'll be interested to learn just how spiteful and two-faced their spouses are, and maybe even greatful to you for showing them the glaring red flags that were being hidden
Story 2: Why would OP say that Ariel WANTS to go to college so she has to get the money on her own now, when earlier in the post, him and his ex had agreed to pay college half half? Also If OP’s ex manipulated her into thinking he cheated, of course Ariel isn’t gonna want anything to do with her father’s other family… like??? How is she the AH if she’s been manipulated by her mother?
Yeah, the SIL in the last story has no reason to get upset. She made the reservation so she's pretty much announcing "I can handle my share of the bill!" Now that OP, being the responsible one, rescued the wallet from the house, the SIL's reaction SHOULD'VE been "Oh, thank you so much OP." But of course, her actual plan now foiled, it's just "REEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
You should not have kids if you can't take care of them. Making your own kids babysit their siblings is bad parenting. You either get a babysitter or stay home.
Been there 12 yr dif between my lil sis and I and my bio mother would make me water her when she was lil even if I wanted alone time wich is a lot (I am autistic mid 20`s woman) so my Grandmother would have 2 come in and say that my lil sis can only stay 4 1-2 hrs.
Leaving a second comment since no one seems to understand this: The parent does NOT decide when child support ends, the law does. A kid who has "grown up" still gets child support payments as long as they continue their education. This is also one of those instances where an 18 or 19 year old kid is insisted upon that they're actually an adult. I understand that being 18 makes one a legal adult in many cases (certainly not all), but I have literally also heard rSlash refer to 18 and 19 year olds as still being kids. Can't have your cake and eat it too.
Story 2: I disagree. Sure, he can cut contact, but he should have let her know much earlier. The time he did it, the application process for loans was already over. Just for that, he is TA.
The crying to hubby story, the friends are just bitter they're not getting a free vacation plus whatever else for free in the future from OPs "rich" hubby
I don’t agree with the Dad about not paying for school. He agreed he would. I never agree with forcing people to get alone. She didn’t treat him like an atm. She would talk to him. Times when he choose to not go somewhere because she only invited him. She loves him, just not his family.
Yeah, and from the story you don’t even sound like that she was asking him for money. Even though that OP’s ex-wife is pretty terrible does it mean OP is a guilt trip in his own daughter to spend time with his family when she doesn’t want to.
Tell me to go to my room? In my own house, where I have my computer desk, my 50 inch TV, my queen sized Stearns and Foster bed and 4 kitty cats? No problem.. If it were up to me I'd never leave.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say Op is the AH for what he's doing to Ariel. It took him 19 years to set the record straight? Not when she was 10 or whenever? And he hasn't even told her why they divorced. He's punishing her because of his ex's actions 19 years later. This should've been nipped in the bud as soon as she started disrespecting his family.
In the story, there is only one of unanswered questions, and in the calm meds of the post Op doesn’t answer anything. I think what OP was doing is that I was trying to paint the story in his own way to make him look innocent, because he was cheated on.
In the second story, it's important to factor in whether or not there's a legal agreement to cover it, say if it was part of divorce proceedings. If there was a written agreement to cover it, he needs to, other than that I'd agree.
I think pulling the stunt in public with the "forgotten wallet" is genius, obviously she wasn't going to learn her lesson so sometimes the offensive way is the only way, "oh, see I spotted your wallet so I thought I'd pick it up for you :)" as if she'd give you her paypal or venmo if you asked, she'd conveniently forget
I’m more upset at the fact that that OP is guilt, tripping her by forcing her to spend time with his wife in son so that he can pay for college that is manipulative behavior . I don’t understand why people aren’t seeing that
So, I have to disagree about the daughter who wants help with college and doesn't like her dad's new family. She's just the kid in all of this. She's in the middle and a victim of whatever narrative she's grown up with. If she honestly believes that her dad cheated, how in the world can she be blamed for not wanting to spend time with his family? Or even accept them as family? The new spouse is a stranger. And if Ariel isn't used to Tori after having Tori in her life for almost 15 years, with copious amounts of therapy, then there's something going on here that OP isn't telling us. OP is going back on an agreement to care for his child past legal adulthood, essentially in retaliation against his first wife and the damage she caused. If Ariel doesn't just fall in line, have the emotions OP wants her to have, and love people against her will, he will disown her. That's basically what's happening here. He keeps trying to force her to integrate, instead of just letting their relationship be what it is. She's trying to maintain contact with him. She's trying to include him in her life. And he calls her nasty? Just for avoiding the new family? She didn't even say or do anything to them, just... avoids them. Yes, she needs to come to terms with the fact that he didn't cheat, and drop any negative notions she has about his wife and son, but she doesn't have to be in a relationship with either of them if she doesn't want to. She had no say in the divorce, her parents' behavior, or who they ended up with afterward. It's not on her to juggle all of that emotional labor and get invested in their new partners and kids. And she has a right to be upset when a parent promised to help with college, then holds that money ransom for that emotional investment.
The second story ESH honestly. The daughter is disrespectful but she doesn't have to have a relationship with the other family if she doesn't want to. Tbh I'm getting the vibe she picks up on the resentment he has for her mom and might feel that as towards her. It kinds seems like he is not as invested in her his is with your other family. Which is hurtful. She's newly 18, she's a kid. He also don't have to pay but you kinda just popped this up on her and that's messed up.
As someone who was both the child of a single mother and is now a single dad, I can tell you that child support doesn't just automatically and immediately end at 18. I was forced into college instead of taking a year off to backpack because if I didn't continue my education, then my portion of my dad's child support would end. Your daughter may be over 18, but she's still in school, so your child support requirements have NOT ended. I was on OP's side until he said the "you got your 18 years of child support, I'm done" bit. He is not done, and he doesn't get to choose when he stops paying child support.
First story The biggest pet peeve that makes me absolutely livid is when people look down on other people because they’re younger come on people why Second story agree with the comment Third story what is wrong with them say it with me kids actions. Have. Consequences. You can’t bad mouth people and expect to get a free vacation Forth story atm again and I see where you’re coming from I feel like it should be at most .5/5 buttholes
Some cultures expect the young to do it. It usually falls onto the lap of the youngest female. It's the same as those cultures that expect the younger generation to follow up with whatever they are voluntold to do.
Im just mad the mother left her younger kids with the estranged daughter, if i were the daughter id call ss on her because the daughter is pretty much a stranger.
@@ohnosmoarlulcatz yah those cultures are stupid my mom was literally raised to be a mother and it kinda ruined her childhood (along with other things) it’s a case of people not being able to choose something yet being treated poorly
It's interesting how most of the time when people say or do disrespectful things and get caught, suddenly it was "just a joke." I hope OP cut off those two "friends" because they are toxic.
Story 2: NTA; sure, it's shitty that she was brainwashed by her mom, but at 19, she's had time to think for herself and she's continued to side with the liar.
@Crickets sounds like a comment you could have left on the video instead of as a comment to mine when rSlash also said NTA. As for your objections, based on OP's description of the situation, he'd been trying to not use money as a means to get his daughter to bond with his new family for years and finally reached a breaking point, this wasn't a moment of his waiting for the perfect moment to be petty, and it's very cynical of you to assume otherwise.
@Crickets when you are constantly disrespected by another, you don't owe them respect back when you finally hit the breaking point on being disrespected. She is facing harsh consequences for her own harsh actions, and that you are so focused on how OP could have been nicer after the continual years of rude behavior from his daughter is just wacky to me. He tried to be nice for years and she never reciprocated, so now he's treating her the way she has shown she wants to he treated, her and her mother both.
@Crickets is its t rude to act like two other people don't even exist in the same space as you? The daughter refesed to acknowledge OP'S wife and child were ever in the room with her, and you don't think that's rude?! Dude, you've got issues, not the OP.
@@auberginebear You cant force people to get along this man dont have issues YOU do. In divorce settlements college is usually apart of it and split plus he waves it over her head like love my new family or get lost she was brain washed for 19 years yes she could think for her self but being brain washed 19 years takes time to over come plus it's been in agreement for along freaking time OP sucks
First story: even if op was younger I would have been pissed at the friend if I was the parent. Never like people who tried to punish other people's kids without parents permission.
I am suspicious of OP's new wife being his ex friend and ended up with him. Sometimes the so call "Friend" make stuff out to get the man from the friend. In other hand paid collage is a luxury not a mandatory support.
@Crickets probably screwed her out of loans and financial aid too since they take parental income into account. It definitely makes sense not to pay, but waiting that long just screws everyone. I'm surprised he didn't fight the ex for her manipulation, but maybe Ariel will finally realize that in a new environment
I would say the dad is NTA for how he handled the situation, but I would give him an idiot score for allowing his ex to alienate him from his daughter. Parental alienation is illegal and op should have tried fighting tooth and nail for custody so things didn’t turn out the way they did.
I have a different opinion the paying for daughter's school story that r/slash should have mentioned. Im not suggesting that the daughter is completely innocent but if you take a moment and put yourself in her shoes, it's easy to understand why she was acting that way. From her perspective, this woman Tori is essentially the reason why her parents slip up. Yes cheating was happening but a child is never gonna see their parents doing wrong. They slip because of tori and her dad went around any and married her. I would give tori some butthole points because YOU DONT GO AFTER YOUR FRIENDS EX. THAT MAKES YOU UGLY!!! I understand the ex wife being hurt by that and bad mouthing them. Her best friend betrayed her probably to get the husband. And the daughter doesn't know any better because shes so young. Because of all that I do understand her not wanting to have a relationship with her dad's family. Not excusing it but I understand her mindset @rslash
If the mom was brainwashing Ariel it makes sense that she'd believe her even with counter evidence, and we have plenty of examples of ppl seeing explicit evidence against there belief and just strengthening it. It is a very human thing. I also think if they agreed onthe college thing it's rude to backout now.
