Reading My Anorexia Diary | How Everything Changed 

I heard this quote recently from Martyn Lloyd-Jones: “Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?" You have started talking to yourself instead of listening! So proud of you, keep it up.

I’m a guy going through bulimia and on the road to recovery. I don’t think you understand how much of an inspiration your videos are. The open honesty of your videos have shown me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are valued so much please don’t stop! Love you!

can i just say i’m going through a mini relapse and all these videos on eating and disorders came up in my recommended page but thankfully your videos came up on my home page, they’ve been so helpful for me and reassuring seeing your bumps along the road and current struggles keep me calm knowing i can get through each day, i don’t know how to end this but tysm

Keep making these. They’re so unique and helpful to people going through similar problems or just trying to get a different perspective on anorexia. You should be proud of what you’re doing :)

I’m 14 and anorexic and bulimic and theses videos are so motivating. I have an other doctors appointment tomorrow and hope I gain weight 💖

Rebecca. I have been struggling with an eating disorder for nearly 18 years... in and out of treatment centers and hospitals. I've only watched a couple of your videos, but never in my life have I felt so able to relate to someone about this. I feel like your story is mine. Right now, when I am really struggling, your voice is the voice I need... the voice that is too small inside of me in comparison to my eating disorder thoughts. thank you so much for putting your soul out there. much love. m.

It's so crazy to me how your thoughts and daily routines and overall hopelessness when you were sick are almost exactly how I feel every day. You give me hope that I will someday get to where you are. Ever since finding your channel a few days ago I have decided to take the leap and push myself to eat enough so I can get out of quasi recovery and finally be healthy again. Thank you SO much.

"It is not, I'm holding your face, it is not!" I laughed :)

I honestly can't thank you enough for making this account. I've recently been discharged from being inpatient and am still working on getting to a healthy weight. I think i try and kid myself that i am a lot better than i actually am and that i am eating enough. I have some rules that i need to work on and i need to get in a better relationship with exercise . I find your videos so helpful and inspiring! You're absolutely gorgeous and, even though you looked beautiful before too, you look even more beautiful now because you are more happy and glowing and you are setting your self free and it shines from within you. You are so so funny too! I've literally binge watched all your videos 😂💕

This is is really inspiring. I’m only 13 and going trough recovery from anorexia. Watching your videos helps me feel like things will come back to normal.

Your videos give me so much hope for the future, thank you so much for uploading this! Its comforting to know that even thought you felt terrible lows in the past you still were able to push through will perseverance and get to the point you are at now. Please continue to upload and inspire!!

I believe that the same traits within an eating disordered person which keep the person sick, such as obsessive rigidity to under-eating, can be used to get the person out of the disorder. You say that you are very careful now to make sure you eat enough - is t hat the rigidity being used for the positive?. Recovery is possible for everyone and is within you if you can make the change!

i was afraid of watching this video for a while but it actually helped me. usually i eat like 'normal' but i am extremly exhausted. today im doing a 4k kcal challenge - i discovered you by that like half a year ago. i dont want to be scared of food or numbers anymore

YOU AND YOUR DOG ARE GORGEOUS I LOVE IT

6:35 - 7:30 First time I feel understood in my life.

This video really opened my eyes on how harmful quasi recovery is and how important it is to fully dedicate yourself to recovery. Thank you so much for making this video. You are so beautiful and inspirational and all the content you put out is so motivational💕💞

Literally the most beautiful person I have ever seen!

I hope one day I will be able to eat unrestricted like you... you’re such an inspiration!

Oh and,- this is so relatable, so often I would try to recover because I felt so weak and miserable, but as soon as I actually would feel better aka gain weight, I would go right back to square one and often even worse.

Thank you 🙏🏻 sooooo sooooo much for all of your videos. You really gave me motivation to fight my anorexia and try to eat more. Every time when my bad thoughts start to come I think about you and it really helps me. You are my saviour! Now I’m in battle with anorexia again but I think this time I will win. Thank you with all of my heart 💓 you are changing my life! Please keep doing this you are a hero!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

As you read these,I skipped around my own journal and looked at what i was doing during the same months/years that you had written in your diary _ I wasn't surprised to find that my disorder was worsening at the same time you were writing about your own disorder

I love that you are so much happier now!! Keep doing what is best for you physically and mentally:)

I identified so much with everything you talk about relating to all the stages of having an eating disorder and recovery! Except for the part about having no shame, I'm still way to embarrassed to tell even my closest friends let alone the internet. I really admire your honesty and bravery, keep it up!

It's funny how I relate so much to what you say, even though for me my eating disorder is the opposite. I overeat all the time, and I can't bring myself to stop, because some part of me, the lazy, unambitious part of me, feels like it's just easier to eat what I want when I want it instead of fighting that feeling. But I still relate to everything you say, the exhaustion, the constant obsession about food, the feeling of wasting days doing nothing instead of tackling things I know I should do. I admire you for fighting this disorder heads on, looking it straight in the eyes and not lying to yourself anymore. I am sure that, one day, your conscious effort to eat more will become an effortless habit you don't even have to think about anymore.

I am so glad that I found your channel! Your story is incredible, your editing is amazing and your spirit is amazing and inspiring. Keep going!! Can’t wait to see your channel grow. Lots of love from the Netherlands 😘

Thank you for sharing something as personal as a diary with us 💕 the entries are such an in depth perspective into the mental stress that ensues, even if no one can see you actually struggling. And I LOVE the breaks for food in between lol!

hearing u talk about ur thoughts really helps me to organize and understand my own. i think u have a gift of putting feelings into words and making them tangible TT_TT pls continue to share with us ur humanly struggles with and ur dark days as well

Rebecca, You are such an amazing person. I recently was discharged from treatment and I have been feeling my self-slip back. Your videos have inspired me and are exactly what I needed right now. I wish you the best.

These journal entries relate so closely to mine. Thank you for sharing and for continuing to inspire me. The fact that you bought that cheesecake inspired me to try one of my biggest fear foods today = icecream! And it was sooo good❤️❤️

you're so brave

That lower degree of despair... I relate. I hope I can read my diaries and feel this way someday...

Holy shot!! When she talked about her highs and lows it’s like me choosing between recovery and looking sick.. I love Rebecca and she’s always helped but until this point I have noticed it’s been a lot harder to even eat a grape without eating And today I tried not counting and eating freely but ofc I failed that challenge and I haven’t been able to stop crying because people on my Tellonym are calling me fat and heavy and basically romanticizing my eating disorder by acting just like the voice that tells me not to eat. I keep playing the same song over and over again right before it gets to the recovery part “empty” by boyinaband and jaidenanimations. And I’m afraid to speak about my issues to my friends or boyfriend because I’m afraid they will abandon me

a week ago, i was questioning recovering. and then i watched this and realised how much i felt the same. today, i’m going to eat at least three meals with snacks. let’s do it. i’ve had this relapse for four months and it’s the worse it’s ever been. i’ve never weighed this low. so it scared me and now i do want to recover.its just the ‘how’ that i struggle with

It’s awkward being someone who is a normal weight (slightly heavy) person who looks to be healthy, but I have 3 versions of myself: healthy eat food to make you feel good, unhealthy eat everything in sight, and unhealthy the hunger is good mindset. But no one knows unless I tell them and even then I don’t fit into a category

will you please make a video on digestion while recovering please!

this is so insanely brave and can i just say you are so insanely gorgeous. an inspiration at its finest

Do you think doing the meals out with your mom is what really made you have the breakthrough to totally commit to unrestricted eating? Thank you for sharing your feelings from when you were sick, I could relate to all of it. You are extremely brave, you go girl xo

You are so incredibly inspiring!! Thank you ❤️

I relate to you a ton!! I recently found your channel and you are honestly inspiring me to stay in recovery. Recently I fell back into my old habits and have kinda relapsed again, but seeing you happy makes me think that recovery isn't so scary and bad.

OMG! I understand completely because I have anorexia, this is complicated, read that, but is a process and you inspired me Rebecca!

I know this has nothing to do with the video but your hair is gorgeous omggg I’m jealous😍😍

Rebecca I really hope your reading this but as you progress with your recovery through your videos it has sincerely helped me believe that I can do the same as well. Your progress is also my progress thank you so much for helping me through this❤️❤️

You‘re such a strong & beautiful young woman❤️my favorite youtuber :) thanks for sharing your story with us! Greetings from switzerland😊

The bit about the days passing was too relateable

I too was/have been trying to convince myself that I'm eating enough while my body is screaming for more food so I understand where you're coming from. I've been trying for far too long to try and live along side my eating disorder vs living a life free of it.

Can you do a video about yourself? Like what you are doing for living, your diet are you following any rules? Do you weight yourself? You are awesome and so beautiful 😍

Keep going, girl! You're more stronger than you think. And very pretty too.

You’re the best! And also really beautiful Rebecca. Continue with what you’re doing and you’ll change a lot of people’s lives to the better! ❤️

U r really a great inspiration.plz make more. Thank you sooooo much

seriouslyy "proud of you" the only thing i can sayy 💖💖💖

So so so incredibly inspiring and brave! I actually just recovered and life is so incredible! Having energy to do everything so amazing! I relate to your story and admire your openess!

Almost 2 gears later, and this video still inspires me to eat a cake (:

"Food was the only way out of this hell" thank you❤

I may literally have just cried when you said "This is not how life is meant to be."

VALIDATE MYSELF, yes, amazing

Omg its 5am and i watched ALL of your videos just now lol Stay strong through recovery and hope it gets easier for you with every day passing Love your channel (just discovered it today) hope it gets more recognition

U go girl 👍🏻 great video ur progress is wonderful... tour amazing to validate yourself👍🏻

Just found your chanel, and I gotta say, I LOVE IT!! You're so relatable and inspiring, subscribed (:

Thank you so much! You really feel me a lot,this my first comment in English, and that means really shake me!

So glad I found your channel. Subscribed!! 💛💓

You are amazing and I'm really surprised you don't have more subscribers. You're so inspirational and beautiful

I also have an E.D and your videos are helping me so much! thank you, you are awesome

You're such a strong person❤️

Really needed this right now

Omg feeling everything your reading

love love love!! You are RADIANT!

U inspire me so much ima have my favorite dessert now !!!!! And it’s like this huge challenge and seeing this just kinda motivates me to challenge Ed too

I found an old poem I wrote about my sister seeming jealous of my eating disorder, I feel like I've replaced it with alcohol and I can't eat now.

You're so inspiring!i wish when I was at my worst that I had was able to actually step ball and look at it the way you did.Im currently tryna put up like 2kg (yah I know like it's nothing agha😂)and aiming to be more like you in the sense that I can rationalize things instead of making life harder for myself .Btw your stunning 😂💕xx

you give me so much inspiration and hope!!

I loooove your accent! I’m not one of those people who loves accents either but yours is so interesting and great to hear. I’m from the US and I’ve barely left California, so hearing you talk about your moving around and travels is very interesting! What would you say your accent is made up of? I find it so interesting you sound so English and live in Hong Kong? You also sound slightly Irish at moments. Not to be presumptuous because I kind of know nothing on the topic, but just wanted to say love hearing you talk! It feels weird to say that (because it is a little weird) and I’ve never been particularly drawn by accents, but yours is so interested

Rebecca, you are a wonderful and beautiful person! I wish you all the best, a lot of encouragement, lots of love and fulfillment in your life! You can do it! :)

Can u do a makeup tutorial please

So inspiring, thank you ! Keep it up :) love being subscribed to your channel. Ps you’re beautiful ! Girl power xxx

Thank you so much for this. I am experiencing something very very familiar with you. This helps a lot.

Love the videos ! So helpfull when you share your thoughts and it motivates me so much!

You are so strong, i believe in you. Kiwis from argentina ❤️❤️

Honestly loved this video so much. thank you thank you thank you xxx

Could you do a video about exercise as it’s something that a lot of people in recovery struggle with x

I really can relate to how you feel but I am not underweight and I can't really seek any help for my ED and have no support at all and idk what to do tbh it just feels like if no one cares about me then why should I... And I just keep falling into it every time. I don't have any friends and I'm all alone pretty much and I guess it's how it will always be for me. I just feel so hopeless.

I feel so relatable 💔

I’d like to hear about things you’ve regained in your life now that you’re in recovery, how has your perspective on life changed? What are the best things about it? Do you have any hobbies that allow you to redirect some of your energy that used to go toward restricting, obsessive exercise etc? Did your desire for a meaningful future with Tyler play a role in your recovery?

thank you for this story. u really are a super woman😂you are amazing and this is helping me❤️

I love your personality😊

Your a very brave person iam so glad things are better for you now sweetheart I admire your beautiful painful honesty love you

Thank you for inspiring💗

I know this is not the point of the video but you write like really really really well. You should write a book.

Can you do a video on your skin care and how you cleared the breakouts?

That cheesecake looked soo nice 😊 can i ask have you completely stopped exercise for recovery ?

Amazing journey, congratulations!! Did you also experience weight overshoot and do you think you are weight restored after those two years? Just curious..being at the first stages of recovery I am still a lot concerned about my weight gain :-/

I feel like I have recovered because I am allowing myself to eat so much more than I used to, and I have gained some weight. However I realized just now that I am still stuck in a restrictive mindset because I think that I need to "earn" this food. I run cross country and today I got a horrible race time so I kept thinking that since I was running so slowly I didn't burn enough calories to earn a post race snack or my evening snack. I get extremely anxious when I don't workout and to be completely honest I tell myself I do cross country because it's fun but also partly because it is an easy way for me to do high intensity exercise 5-6 days a week to "earn" the amount of food I am being told to eat. I don't know what I can do about this, any advice from anyone?

How many times do you eat bread? I am afraid of bread 😢 I have anorexia and I'm struggling with this 😢 thanks to you 🙏🏻 and other girls who share how to get out of this shit

When you were talking about staying inside your bedroom all the time i related so much ,on weekends i restrict a lot probaly only eating half an apple or 0 calorie 0 sugar drink and if i ate more than that i would take laxitives or diet pills so on weekends when freinds wanted me to come over i would say my mom dosent let me go to other peoples places or say im busy but really i just did not want to have sit at a dinner table and eat or have candy and chips all around me beacause i know my freinds are going to have that beacause thats what most teens do on weekends they eat junkfood and dont care whats going in there bodies im recovering but its hard

yesterday i ate a big bowl of veggie curry (no rice) for dinner. i hadn’t had lunch that day because i couldn’t get myself to eat it. so i was fucking hungry after that curry. i felt terrible about having oat cookies and s chocolate bar after :(

I don't wanna be rude but what do you have on your left shoulder?( i mean these spots)

You should publish this diary.. make it a recovery aid...

What happened to your shoulder?? (This ain’t mean in any way!)

Ok I'm. Trying to recover from bulimia. But i did gain weight. Ans md im not haooy now its been 3 days since i ate and now im so scared to eat because if i start i know the i wont stop and its going to make me purge

You should publish this

i just love you