Dynamic-maturational model of attachment and adaptation teaches us that the majority of attachment strategies lead to relationship failures. Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
So on point! I’ve always considered most relationships dysfunctional just by observing families around me, yet people willing to put up with lack of love just so they won’t be ‘alone’ but will never admit to this, while being scathing of those not willing to go down the same route.
Greetings from Moscow! I don't know what I would do without your lectures. You are a source of invaluable knowledge and inspiration. Thanks a lot, professor. We love you 💜
This lecture was extremely helpful. After identifying my own codependent behavior and attracting of narcissists, I am fearful of another intimate relationship. This lecture has put things in clear perspective. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world.
Truth is the only healer if there is anything that can "heal" me. Thank you prof. I am new to your channel. I watched one of your convo with grannon. You talked about the topic how one mourns the lost "false self" while separating from a narcissist. I went into deep thought and depressive mood for days after listening to it. It made me wonder that in such a case i may never be able to procure a "healthy" relationship for myself. You laid it out all real in this video. I watch your videos with interval because sometimes they are too much to take for the mind but the thoughts they induce can result in a whole new way of thinking and looking at things.
I don't find sex or relationship exciting unless there is a real friendship love kindness knowing each other and reciprocity so I'm alone. Does that make me a b c d? But thank you very much for your videos they're really helpful.
Thank you ,Prof.Vaknin for always sharing new knowlage and sharpening curiosity for deeper understanding of mind. I am so fascinated by DMM attachment adaptation theory and specially your pragmatical explenation of it in our day to day life.
I love the intros when you say these words in Hebrew and then I have to look up the new words you used because I don't speak the language. I love it when you call us "shoshonim" !
@@marthajohnbrandt5303 As I mentioned above, I don't speak Hebrew, so I might be mistaken. Anyone that understands the language, please correct me. In previous videos, he has mentioned that "shoshonim" means roses. About the rest: Shalom = Hello ( Peace) bar'vazonim (?) = ducklings (?) hamudim = cute seli = my I think "lilies" are shoshannim. Anyone who speaks the language, please help us with the translation.🙂
At four minutes and 30 seconds I miss heard your quote “avoiding merger and fusion” as “ avoiding murder and confusion” so I quickly re-wound the video because I need all the tips I can get from you because I just got engaged to my girlfriend of 19 years at age 64.
The inability to see the missing link preventing the connection to my family. RESPONSIBILITY Impossible to achieve aesthetically. Trauma induced clarity. Contradictions provide truth
I'm on RU-vid learning things because Im an early dropout who struggles with the written word. I'm struggling to "look it up", whatever that was that you said 0:05 into the video.
Professor Valkin. I have a question for you. You said attachment styles don’t change. So therapy doesn’t work? I’ve been working my anxious attachment style on therapy, was it all an expensive waist of time? I’d like to think we can learn.
I'm a therapist and I've changed my own insecure attachment style. It involves time, effort, lots of personal work, learning to observe and identify old insecure patterns when they fet triggered and break them, the willing to expose and go throught the core fears again and again till the fears fade away,... It involves time, patience, courage, discipline, self-knowledge and hard work to transform your insecure attachment to a secure one but the result worth the effort. I've guided lots of people to change their attachment styles in muy therapy sessions with good results, It is possible if you are willing to work hard on your attachment style
Is it not true that intimacy is built in rupture and repair? Our ability (or working on our ability) to disagree and negotiate relationship? I view this as a skill that if you didn't learn as a child, you can learn, develop, build. With a willing partner, security can be developed, but there is no such thing as 100% security. At best, we can attune to each other 1/3 of the time - which makes sense. But it's the willingness, and the trust built from repeated instances of rupture, repair. Fights. Arguments. Saying things you don't mean, and then sorting it out. Hurt. It is in these vulnerable places that we really learn about a person - if we have security. Honesty and authenticity, with a partner. For people with really damaged attachment, this is hard and you will need a lot of help. Help from others and primarily from your self. But if you can shift to believing in the possibility of repair - and believe in the benevolence of at least one person - we can heal. But it's much better to build your security in as many relationships as possible. With anyone who is willing, capable, and patient.
In a sense, when we fight, our sense of self and other lose organization. The world makes less sense to us because it is the people we trust who help us make sense of self and the world. But when we have authentic repair - my mistake and your mistake - the world gains organization. It means that we can get lost and find our way back - which is the natural cycle of life.
It's also helpful and important for your partner to know your primary attachment wound. For most women it's separation, and for most men it's esteem. So, negotiating these sensitivities means being aware of them in self and in partner and managing the relationship - give and take. As we move towards better understanding and security, the sharp edges of these wounds can dull. Again, this happens through disagreement and understanding. Attachment wounds run deep - they are a huge part of how we organize and make sense of the world. It's no small task to "negotiate", but it can be done. And with some consistency, the bond becomes stronger. It's your relational muscle that some of us have very little strength. The key is authentic repair. Real vulnerability, which comes both from self understanding and other understanding you. It's a yin-yang type thing. One informs the other. It's the essence of partnership and therefore, love.
