Why isn’t attachment theory a topic in school?!? Being able to understand this aspect of ourselves is incredibly useful for emotional regulation and development healthy relationships with others. It’s amazing how much sense this all makes.
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Haha, because school is not meant to help you, but to train you to be a good little obedient citizen, dependent on the state. If you're interested, you can read John Holt, Ivan Illich, John Taylor Gatto. And Larken Rose.
Fun fact: If I slow this video down to 0.75x, it sounds like your videos now. I didn't realize you had worked so hard on your presentation. Very good work, ma'am! 😊
@@KentBuchla Captain obvious with the most useless comment of the day. Must be one of those secure types.. i came here to see if i was the only person having issues with the speed of her presentation. Great information but it's difficult to process at times. I think editing out the space between sentences and subjects is part of the issue, not her personal style to be clear.. Kent.
It doesn’t just have to be the parent who impacts the attachment style. It can also be an older sibling or other “authority-type” person close to them.
As an ENFP with an anxious attachment style, I’ve spent many years neglecting my needs of what makes me come alive, often repressing my true self to get love and attention from others. Struck gold with finding Heidi’s channel as she lays out what ENFPs need to be happy in other videos. My inner Si is taking lots of notes, Te is building a step by step self-healing program, Fi is obsessing over finding out what’s wrong with me, and Ne is sitting there bored as hell waiting for all this to get sorted out so the ENFP can go explore the world and have fun.
Now THAT is just a PHENOMENAL backdrop! On the left: a symbol of growth. On the right: the sunshine threatening to break-through from behind the clouds of attachment struggles. I'm sure this was intentional, right...?! Right?! :)
Amazing!! I thought I was a fearful-avoidant attachment style when in reality I have a secure attachment. This is the clearest explanation of attachment theory I have ever heard. Thank you so much, Heidi! :)
I don't care that it's been two years but I'm still going to throw in a compliment 😘 that's beautiful what you've put together for us... ... the tree, and the photograph isn't bad either 😆 I hope you are well. Thank you VERY MUCH for your videos. You take care of YOU, and your inner child too ❤
Heidi, Being the son of two architects, we tend to look down on interior designers, so you should be proud that you fill your brain with things that are more important than where you put the couch. Fearful avoidant are probably the result of mothers who cared more about the couch than the child. You are great!
That’s really sad that you look down on someone else for having a different purpose than you! Why do you think you’re better than someone else for what they do? Not everyone can fulfill the same purpose. Interior designers are needed in the world too. Who wants to live in an ugly house even if it was architected well?
Awesome video-I’m curious to learn more about how trauma beyond the first few years of life can lead to shifts in attachment style. Thanks for all the work you for the analysis of self and others!
Really well said. I also have a lot of respect for Thais Gibson and her PDS. I also love that she was able to show me how to understand and love avoidant people for who they are, to respect their rich inner worlds, and to better understand my own avoidant side.
Thank you for mentioning the vilification of avoidant at the end. I stumbled over a description about dismissive avoidant some time again & it fit me in ways that stung quite a bit. Since then I have been trying to gather bits of information here and there & absorb/accept it (not just dismiss it out of hand) But I am at a point where f.e. Instagram now keeps telling me how anxious people are amazing, deserve people that treat them & their needs well, while I am a piece of shit that does not deserve a single human relationship & should get over themselves RIGHT NOW. Which is pretty hurtful & demotivating. I have been trying to make the best of things & keep working on myself (even if it was not on the mental health portion of my life) for years, but apparently, that was for nothing. Nothing else encourages one so well to change as being told one is an inherently bad person (\sarcasm).
I absolutely adore you and thank you for sharing! I started learning about attachment styles about 2 yrs ago. Great information and I love becoming aware of things I can do to improve my journey. I am an ENFP and really love exploring and understanding how people work on the inside.
I wish I had found your videos long ago; they might have spared me a lot of heartache and disappointment. You are a great teacher. Thanks for your work here. All the best to you.
The Fearful-Avoidant sounds like one of my past relationships. He love bombed me, then broke up with me out of the blue, then was hostile to me. I was left hurt and confused.
I always thought I had an anxious attachment style. I learnt that I’m fearful-avoidant. Thank you so much for this Heidi❤. I was so happy to find your RU-vid… Over the years I’ve read all of your essays on thought catalog, they got me through really difficult moments In my life. I’m glad I found you here as well❤😃
So glad you've been posting on RU-vid, your content has been SO SO GOOD!!! Learning attachment theory through Personality Hacker podcast a few years so was life changing for me, and will be for others too. Was thrilled to see this topic pop up!
I appreciate your videos so much not only do u pass on to in a way that makes it easy to get u also have such a warm and kind spirit about u that i appreciate so much. Wish u many blessings🎉
Your set looks really great! It feels good to my eyes. All 3 things in the background (the squares of the door, the plant and the photo) are interesting to me and it feels good to look at them. They all feel relaxing to me rather than distracting.
I have listened to countless hours of your videos, and you have absolutely become a great resource for attachment styles and healing. Your videos are invaluable! ❤
I had a relationship that was as you described the FA and it was so helpful for me to understand the dynamic. Im still hurting over it. It was amazing in the beginning and then she suddenly got overwhelmed and ran. I kinda knew she was avoidant but just couldn't see how it would end. It was such a sudden reversal that left me asking what the hell just happened. Heidi-Youre a godsend.
Heidi, I hope you are reading this. Your videos are changing my life, thank you so much for sharing. Never before has the truth hurt so much, but it is a good type of hurt, it's healing and growth. You're incredible. I want to know about your story if you'd be willing to tell, maybe you have already. Each video is an incredible transforming light, tysm ❤❤❤
Hi! I'm an ENFP enby who found your channel after listening to the type talk podcast on spotify, and I just wanna say you have some incredible insight on the inner workings of damaged human psyches, and an excellent sense of decor when the mood strikes you lol. I had what 99% of first world people would call a rough childhood, and I still have the scars to prove it. I have no clue where I stand now that I'm no longer being drugged out of my mind, but I can say a year ago I was the textbook definition of an anxious-avoidant type with my ex's. I can recognize I have at least one healthy relationship with my best friend, but I consider myself aromantic because I don't think I'm capable of romantic love anymore due mostly to my mother. This video has given me much to think about and research, and I can't thank you enough for opening my eyes to this. Lots more to work on in therapy (as soon as I can afford it lol).
Great job, Heidi! I listen to Thais also, but I always look for your input also since you give a very in-depth analysis of each attachment style. You obviously know your stuff and after you finish school, I'm sure you'll be able to help a lot of people with similar issues. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for explaining with such depth, truth, and insight into mental health and psychology topics. I have thought I'm all 4.... After watching I think that these days I generally lean secure and was definitely anxious in the past. I was the "scapegoat" role as a child and have done a lot of healing (I have shame around identifying with that word) but still have pockets of the insecure style. Enjoying this deep dive!
Thanks Heidi for this informative video, and Happy Valentine's Day to all. When you talked about protest behaviours I immediately resonated with that as I use that quite often. I'm an anxious ENFP, and I find myself in constant need to get assurance and feedback .
Incredible video - this is the first time I've heard of attachment styles and I felt like you explained a great deal in a super clear way. This is definitely something I want to learn more about and develop in so really looking forward to your next one :)
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! There is so much good information here presented in such a kickass accessible way. Understanding your attachment style and its ramifications on your adult life can alter your reality.
Thank you very much for this video! I have been lost lately and been binging all of your content. When I watched this I realized I am mostly likely fearful avoidant. I exhibit all the classic behaviors - the only reason I’ve been able to stay in my current relationship is exactly because I “know we won’t be together forever”… Part of my feeling lost I think has to do with the inner child work I need to do, and while I’ve done some grief work in the last year, I think this is a piece I’ve been missing. I already reached out to a therapist today that works on attachment issues. Thanks again!
I have worked on myself for years became a psychologist and frequently look at my response to others and how it affects others. I need to meet my needs. I don't focus on the environment. I can be alone. I like my own company. I assume anxious is preoccupied. Action discharge behavior in avoidant a play video games to get away from feeling. Your not ok.avoidant. proccupied will need more from other partner. Avoidant pulls away. Thank you for this detailed view of attachment.
The fact some of us do not already know these things says something about us. It says more about our culture, society, schools, and parents. Like, so much more!
@@heidipriebe1 thank you! It’s going to be for my blog project I’m working on. MBTI/typology from a sensor’s POV. Wish me luck! I know you are fully aware of the challenges of that. 😳
Seriously, thank you so much. I've been watching a few of your videos (and taking notes for myself and to speak with my therapist also). You are interesting, and I really appreciate the grace you give with these issues. Thank you!!!
AHHH HEIDI!!! It's so amazing watching this after mostly consuming your newer videos!! I relate so much to the energy, passion, and scatterbrained-ness so much!!! I see myself in you and it makes me a bit excited for the future!
OH MY GOD. Okay. So, I'm taking a hiatus from therapy because I want to do an inventory of what I want to work on, and attachment style has been in the back of my mind as something I want to explore as part of that inventory. I have a parent who likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and everything I've worked on and am continuing to work on involves recovering from that trauma. This video was not only the *exact* resource I needed to kick off exploring attachment styles, but also incredibly comforting. I'm willing to bet I'm generally fearful avoidant in any relationship that's more than casual. I've chalked my "I don't trust me, and I also don't trust you" to a possible Complex PTSD diagnosis, but to have it also be related to the idea of attachment style is really soothing for some reason. It's also made figuring out my MBTI and Enneagram tough because I often don't have a clear sense of, "Is this me, or is this who I'm being in order to get the attention I want?" Anyway, I'm rambling. This was an awesome video. Thank you for making it!
Alex, it sounds like you have knowledge of both NPD and avoidant attachment. From your perspective, do you think the two could be confused if the narcissist person was lower on the spectrum? I have only recently become aware of both of these personality traits. In hindsight my mother had NPD and, it makes me wonder about my past relationships. They were definitely either narcissist or avoidant. I wonder if there is a defining difference?
@@infolater91 What is the supposed similarity? aren't narcissists kind of the opposite of avoidants in the sense, that they need constant admiration, validation and attention from other people?
This was really helpful! Now I know that I need to do some more digging into what I thought was a disorganized attachment style into what may just be anxious with some coping strategies or “protest and deactivating” strategies to get my needs met. Wild. I may be more fearful avoidant than I thought
I couldn't take my eyes off that sunrise photo- gorgeous! The plant was calming. Really helped make the video more enjoyable!! (As an INFP nature/ great outdoors fanatic, that stuff is HUGE to me.) What an interesting video!. I'd started watching an attachment style video that was more specificand in depth sp I came lookingfor this one to learn basics. So, ok, I already know all about being a badly abused & neglected scapegoat "gifted" ADHD child, with a BPD & APB mother, & a cold, remote, highly critical, punitive father that's likely an Nparent, & whose one Golden Child sibling is a major N, almost a psychopath at times, and be NC with them all. I also know lots abt being an INFP. But I had never studied attachment styles! I think I'm anxiously attached, not mostly bc of my behavior, bc I did well single, usually enjoyed my time alone (if I didn't have a broken heart, and never went from one relationship to another or pushed the beginning stages towards commitment... however I knowing what I know abt my mother, find it almost impossible that I'm securely attached, and I do see some of my younger self in the Anxious Attachment behavior. However I also feel like without duress I'm actually pretty securely attached? I usually have such deep insight abt myself- this nit knowing is new for me! I'll have to ask my therapist her opinion about it.
I really didn't realize I had FA until I watched your video and then Thais's videos. I assumed I was Anxious because I can be clingy and demanding, and had I read at some point, something like, "If you have FA, you'll be so messed up that you'll know it, and also you're kind of screwed anyway and will have to be in therapy the rest of your life". So that was super helpful. 🙄But watching Thais's videos on RU-vid I was like "......Oh. Shit.". It does make so much sense out of my life though, (after studying soooo many different systems trying to figure myself out) so now I feel like I can finally get a handle on it.
Thank you. Had to look up this video to find out what an attachment style is after seeing another video and having no idea what all this typology was about. Then, at 2:23 in this video, I learned I didn't need to watch these videos afteraall, which was what I suspected but wanted to be sure. So no sarcasm in that "thank you". I appreciate the confirmation and clarity.
i feel like i’m definitely anxious. i’ll deal things on my own for sure, i’m an enfp and type 4 so going through thoughts on my own time is important. however, if some scenario happens that is too much for me to deal with, i immediately freak out and call or text as many people as possible and continue panicking until multiple people respond and tell me it’s okay. when i was younger and highly anxious, i had a habit of telling my friends IN DETAIL what happened to me every day because i needed them to say something calm or funny to soothe my anxiety about what happened. idk why though, because i had a fairly good childhood and my mom is quite overprotective, so i can’t imagine her neglecting my needs. EDIT: LOL just read that an overprotective mother can cause the anxious style. ok... makes sense now
Hi Heidi! This is just a small (wish it could be more) gesture to thank you for all the knowledge that you have shared. I haven't found any other resource that helps me understand me and my surroundings as well as with your videos. Also, to suggest, if it is posible, to put some visual tags in between topics of the same video. I have ADD and it would be sooo helpful to have a little anchor for every time I get distracted. Cause IDK if it has passed 2 sec. or 5 min. 😅so I don't have to go back too much trying to look for the moment I got lost. If it's not too complicated, I've already watch most of your videos anyways haha. Again, big appreciation for your work, it has changed my life
Wow, what an amazing person you are. As an ENFP myself I can feel the connection. :> Thank you for explaining the differences between avoidant type and fearful avoidant so well. Now I can tell that I'm for sure an avoidant type.
All I needed in 1 video! I've watched a few videos on attachment, but this was by far the most helpful and info-packed. Thanks! Looking forward to more. Subscribed ✔
Been watching your videos in kinda reverse order and kept feeling like I related to all the attachment issues, but didn't want to acknowledge i could have fearful avoidance took the quiz on the website you reccomened and got disorganized fearful avoidance 😅
this was super interesting! i think i'm secure attachment style with a little tendency to being avoidant. Which makes feel pretty o'right and it explains a lot
Great video Heidi ! I am just finding your content now through a friends recommendation, so I thought I would start wayyyy at the end with your oldest one ! thanks !
I just want to thank you for this very interesting and inciteful video. I will definitely be watching as many of your other videos on this subject as I can.
I really love her videos and how in depth they go and the material she covers, I just wish she would speak a bit slower. I tried putting her on 0.5 times speed but that's a bit too slow haha. Maybe if it was a bit less edited it would be easier to retain the information, currently I'm just having to rewind a lot. But thank for all the amazing videos you're putting out! Very helpful, honestly!
I think I have an avoidant attachment style. I know I learned about the concept of attachment styles a couple years ago, but I haven’t used it as a tool for healing. Now that you mention the negative view frequently taken toward avoidant attachment, maybe that turned me off from the theory. I don’t recall. This video is encouraging me to look at attachment theory again and try to find information that isn’t biased. In some ways, I’ve been able to become more securely attached, but in a lot of ways I’ve gotten a lot more avoidant in the past few years. It’s so hard.
I have FA tendencies, but I have also had a long relationship of 5 years, but it was a lot in a bad way. We had good times and then we had bad times. I had avoidant and anxious tendencies and so did my ex.. We definitely trauma bonded. Healing has been a lot but I’m definitely staying out of a relationship for now.. don’t want to repeat the past at all.
Woah! If I may offer some feedback on your presentation, I’d ask that you please slow your rate of speaking. A friend and I watched this together and we both had difficulty processing the info because it was so much info coming way too fast. The bits we were able to glean were helpful and we appreciate your efforts. Nice work on your backdrop!
The best conceptualization that I have seen is the 2-dimension plane where one axis is "emotional closeness" and the other axis is "anxiety". Our attachment style is described by a dot on this plane. Aka something similar to the political compass test.
This was really informative, thank you! Just have some questions - Is it possible for a secure type to become anxious or avoidant from trauma in their adult life, e. g. being cheated on and become anxious? - Is it possible for an avoidant type to be genuinely sad about being alone, or for anxious types to be sad about being in a relationship?
1. Yes that’s possible! 2. Also yes. The coping mechanisms we pick don’t always make us happy, they’re just knee-jerk responses to intimacy. Though generally there is a feeling of relief associated with playing them out.
@@heidipriebe1m guessing there's probably spectrums to these behaviors right like with any other behavior like with introvert and extrover your more introverted than extroverted but there probably are them days times where you hang out with others something like that
My question is what about something like (C)PTSD, where a trigger can seemingly change someone’s attachment style in a big way. Where perhaps they seem secure, but then some related or unrelated trigger occurs and suddenly the strategy changes? What’s the perspective on this type of situation. I’m sure this relates to other mental health issues that can change someone’s experience too. My immediate guess would be that perhaps their default attachment style is one way (be it secure or insecure), but then when the trigger occurs, it changes into another. Like a trigger/situation dependent Chameleon Attachment Style. When I think of this relating to myself, I think of my thought, emotional and relational patterns and they can seem secure plenty of the time. But then something happens that triggers a trauma response, and suddenly the way I think, solve problems, contextualize experiences, etc, becomes disorganized, and my trajectory can change. I’ve only recently been diagnosed with severe PTSD, and it’s suspected that I have CPTSD, and I’ve likely had it most my life. Learning this has helped me a lot to heal and grow. Though now that I’m seeing your video again, and reviewing my life relating to it, I’m seeing pockets of different attachment styles show up. Situation dependent. For a while I thought I was anxious style, then fearful avoidant for a little bit, but looking back, I’d only have considered myself any of those insecure attachment styles during specific times when I was actually not in okay situations, or when after leaving a long term relationship. Of which loss is a big trigger of mine (dad died when I was 15, to cancer, and I virtually lost almost everything about my life that day). It’s also confusing because I’ve been passionate about my mental and relational health for about 9 years or so, and have made tremendous progress between coping and healing. But from time to time the triggers hit and things get strange. So, I suppose to summarize, I’m wondering how things like mental illness can effect the ways that attachment styles present themselves between mental illnesses that are apparently chronic vs ones that tend to have more acute moments and that are at least more trigger dependent than not.
That show "How I met your mother" was a great example of the attachment styles ( heard on a podcast I listen to about these attachment styles) . I fit most in the fearful avoidant (the character of Robin), it is exhausting making efforts in any relationship. I stay to myself most of the time, its the only time I feel at peace. The only relationships I seem to stay in are with people that treats me like how I was treated growing up.
Hello Heidi Priebi, good afternoon. Happy New Year 2022! Congratulations for the topic that you addressed in this video. It's amazing. However, sometimes I feel you speak very fast. I hope more and best videos of yours in social interactions, public relations, and personal growth. I send you a great hug from Sonora, México 🇲🇽 👍 🥳 🙏
