Me, my husband, and his ex-wife have a good relationship and we all co- parent well. The kids are the most important part of the relationship and it is their job to ensure they arrive to adulthood whole. My job as the step parent is to provide support when needed. I offer my advice when necessary (since my son is an adult) and I allow them to decide. This message was so truthful and important for all. People get so wrapped up on themselves. I love Iyanla...
Secure the children, their best interests is primary!!! Be an responsible adult; not an angry child or a wounded person. Be accountable and keep your commitments. Keep communications open. Communicate often to establish an united front. Keep it Child focused. Be willing to listen, to hear and respond as an adult. Do not allow the child/children to be an messenger. Do not talk to child about the details of the breakup. They don't need to know those details. Be careful how you talk about the other co-parent. Not an Ex. They have turned into co-parent. Not my baby's mommy or daddy. Keep behaviors separate from their character. Be respectful, make requests not demands.... Be flexible and apologize when necessary. This is lifelong relationship that will ebb & flow, thru the Good times and Bad times. "Stay in PEACE not in Pieces" Iyanla Vanzant. Awesome words and tips from a Spiritual Counselor...
My Bad! I thought that Ghost and Tasha were divorced. I guess I made that up because . . . I like Ghost and Angela together! I agree that it is a little dicey and inappropriate to introduce the new partner too early and . . . girlfriends/boyfriends should be introduced in public places, not the home. Since Tasha and Ghost are still married, Angela should have been introduced as a friend, not a live in partner. Now . . . Ghost and Angela are separated so . . . will there be someone else? Too much, too soon will confuse the children. Since we are talking about television characters I was using them as an example for the efforts they were making.
Hello Iyanla Vanzant So my situation right now is that im currently pregnant & me and my childs father are no longer together. while in that relationship, me & his mom never had a relationship. so my question to you is, how do I establish that healthy relationship with her? I know you mentioned not to use the grandmother (his mom) as a go-between, but I dont think he has told her. Do you think I should be the one who tells her? & do you feel its necessary for me & her to have a relationship as well?
Iyanla Vanzant Hello Iam 21 and iam a domestic violence survivor and my violence came from my father and his wife and it lasted two years and I was mentally and physically and financially abused I didn't think I was going to survive it I was paying my father rent of 320 a fornight out of my disability payment and he was getting cares payment for me and last year I told him I was going to stop paying him rent cause I wanted a life of my own and he said if u don't have that money in his bank account by midday I will have no choice to take you to court my heart dropped my own father saying that so I went to the police and they didn't do anything so the next morning I got a lawyer and I went to court myself and I got a restraining order against him and then I had to go again cause he objected the order then I had to face him and his wife in court and I won now he can't talk to me or see me for two years
Iyanla Vanzant Hello I am in Western Australia iam 21 but my whole life i have been a child of divorced parents and up until i was 20 i lived with my mum with my brother and my sister and myself and my father was living in a another place and he has been married three times and for years all i wanted was my father and he would always badmouth my mum and i was tore i couldn't talk about my mum when i was with him because he had other girlfriends and i spent most of my life being angry at the wrong person my father turned me away from my mum and my grandparents and then i moved out of my mums house when i was 17 and we went to drop my brother home to my mum And then i told mum that i was leaving and i had no communication with my mum and her side of the family and then during my domestic violence experience with my father and his third wife and her two kids
I just got off the phone with my co parent cussing me out over irrelevant things. I don't deserve this treatment. There is no talking to this BOY... BUT I hear you. He pushes the relationship until it doesn't go his way. I'm crying now. This video hit me like I'm in a boxing match.
Evelyn Cooley omg this is my life. my co parent is a negative Nancy. he cusses me out and tried to fight me in front of our son.. my child was with the co parent for a week. he came home with a large knot on his forehead.. i received no explanations to what happened.
Me and my daughter's mom co parent real well. It wasnt always easy at first but once we started communicating, setting boudaries and putting our daughter feelings first, our relationship gotten stronger, and better.
Iyanla, I had a situation where my son's father was/is uninvolved. I've tried to keep him informed of everything that concerns our son. He has not shown up for any graduations, recitals, back to school night, ANYTHING!!! It's been 14 years and I can count the number of times he's seen him. At this point, if he decided to show up, I would not allow it. You don't get to pick and choose when you want to be a parent. It starts at day 1, not when you're ready. He takes great care of his step-kids and proudly goes to those graduations. I'm done. Honestly, if he died today I wouldn't allow our son to go to his funeral.
I was with you, until the last sentence you put.. I feel your son is old enough to possibly make that decision on his own (but of course you know him way better than me!😊), & you may find that your son will resent you for not allowing him to make his own decision on if he wants to attend the funeral. I don't want that to happen to you guys. 💔💙💞 I am soooo sorry for the father being so terrible & absent though 😢 my sons (he's 8 yrs old) father is the same..😢😢 I don't get it. How can you desert your child?!😢😡 But he recently had another baby, whom is now like 7 months old, & he takes care of that baby, is w/ him everyday, buys him (& himself) so much unnecessary stuff (then claims he has no money for our son for a n y t h i n g or for any of the child support), etc etc.I'm so over it & o know you are too. Ugh us moms are so strong to put up with this mess!!!!
Miss Cindy.....my dad was probably like your sons dad or worse because I only met him at 18 after I searched for him and he passed when I was 19........I guess my mom could have also said the same as you are thinking but I know I would have resented her for sure as I still wanted to be at his funeral regardless of him being a sperm donor only.....my point is it would have to be your sons decision and not yours as it is his dad even though he may not be a good dad......your feelings are valid but they are yours and not necessarily your sons......his thoughts and feelings are independent to yours....I hope this sort of give you perspective.
@@youmakemehappy7 I agree that the son would have to decide if they want to or not to attend the funeral....my dad never ever supported/ cared/ loved me....but I went to the funeral because to me he was my father and I needed closure
You need to look inward and decide what it is about YOU that makes a man so apathetic that he won’t see his child. He is clearly a great father as evidenced by your own comments towards his step kid. So it is about YOU.
@@tamunosakiwestscott-bloack2229 you don’t put step-kids above your own period! Some men are sorry fathers as evidenced by the father “crisis” we have going on. I encouraged a relationship between him and our son for years. He declined. It’s consistency and 50/50 parenting or it’s nothing!
I wish my children's father could see this video. It's great to hear someone voice the correct methods to co-parenting and have it match your own behaviors and approach in a one-sided parenting role. Our children have suffered from the misguided behaviors they've chosen to take in the parenting role. However, I know it will not stay this way forever. Time changes everything.
I’m glad I don’t have to deal with this. My child’s bio dad has been gone since he was born. I’ve been with my Boyfriend since I was 9 weeks pregnant with my son. He’s been here since day one, And now my 2 year old calls him daddy and they have the most adorable relationship. He’s going to adopt him this year. I don’t have to deal with sharing my son with a stranger (yeah, me And his bio dad had a one night stand) and I don’t have to talk to him at all. I got pretty lucky :)
Thank you for posting this and your info on co-parenting is great. I am going thru them now since I am having a co-parenting situation this Thanksgiving.
This was *so* good. I have a hell of a lot of maturing to do. Time to up-level my coparenting. This is not going to be easy but she’s the exact right lady to explain to me its importance. I can do so much better. And I will.
“There will be struggles for power and control” 💕 Like someone missing days and times to control your days and times 😅 I release myself and my household from this energy cycle 💕 we made it out & that’s all that matters 💕 what’s next 🌀
This video is a masterpiece. Simple, clear, from a woman who has "something" in her -- compassion, wisdom, soft power. I felt compelled to come and add a hashtag for this so people can discover it. And just now, this popped into my mind: I used to see a lot of plays; they are a blur in my memory, and I would need to think awhile to remember them also. I also used to see a lot of musical performances; they are a blur. What does that have to do with this video from the great Iyanla Vanzant? I knew a play was great if it made me think about it the next day and, perhaps, I easily remember the affect much later. This video is like that. I do hope she becomes eminently known and crazy popular. A wise woman indeed. #coparenting #coparent #parentingdivorce #nurturingparenting #IyanlaVanzant #parenting
My Husband's Daughter Mother hates me. She had caused so many problems. She and my Husband never had a relationship, it was a hookup and she got knocked up. She tells the Daughter horrible things about my Husband and me. Also tells the daughter she doesn't have to listen to me. It's been 11 years and we are still dealing with issues....long sigh!!
This is so true. I decided day things didnt work out. Its about the children not our emotions. No drama equals peace. Ivanya your hair looks fabulous!:)
Too late to spare the kids from the details because they were present when it unfolded. Intake full responsibility for my role and I'm now working on getting them counseling. Moving forward I will practice responsible co-parenting. I hope it is not too late.
Amen! Iyanla I am new to this lifestyle and just like you, I faced and forgave myself, and I love hearing this approach because this is what it is. I love how your emphasising that it is my responsibility to "Secure" my child. My daughter asked me about her father and I came to a point where, I just really did not know what to say... I like how your focus is on building the Child. I want to build my child to be as secure with who she is as possible In anyway I can. Assist her in getting through this life as strong, wise, and healthy as I can. I know it begins with me, allowing God to work through and build me teaching her through me while building me. And it's been a Rough One. ☝ Ms. Vanzant. I just want to Thank you, Thank You for sharing your tools. Self Empowerment. I've been a fan since The Starting Over House and on, I have books and been in the meantime multiple times (LOL) (In One Now). Thank you for sharing your gifts, your heart, your soul. Respect ❤.
Hello, I’m in a difficult situation and need some help. I have 2 sons both from the same mother but the older one who is currently 8 years of age was 1 when i started a relationship with his mom. Its been 7 years that i have been this boys father and i love him equally to my own biological son. His mom is upset that I disagreed when she insisted that she claim both kids on her taxes this year. I thought it to be fair that we continue to each claim one child. Her point being that I dont have any legal right to claim my older son that its her turn to claim our biological child. She is now refusing to let me see my older son and is even saying that im not his father and that she is done allowing me to be a part of his life and being forced to co parent a second child together. Any help or further resources will be greatly appreciated thank you.
As a young man, i hear you, but this is not my style. I've been divorced at 25 yrs old and have been cheated on and dumped. i prefer to do what i have to do and move on. I'll take care of my child and do what i have to do. i don't need co parenting with his mother. she already moved on and doing her thing so i just do what i have to do. I don't even have to see her or hear from her
I would never tell my child the details our his father and my breakup, he's 13 now and is asking. What is the best way to explain without bringing the child down?
Unfortunately, things didn't work out, and that's okay. Just know that Daddy and I love you very much. When my children begin to ask that is what I am going to tell them.
I had to talk to my child to avoid having other family members tell them. Told my child that husbands and wives make promises to each other and sometimes they aren’t able to keep them. And that is why our marriage ended. But that my relationship with the father has no relation to their relationship with their father. I tell my child to enjoy their father and don’t worry about what happened in the past. And I don’t talk badly about him in front of my child and don’t share my business with everybody so gossip doesn’t make its way back to my child.
How should it be handled for a new partner or friend for one of the parents should they invitethe new person to an event for the child and not introduce them to the other parent parent?
my sons biological father assaulted me when i fell asleep when he came to my home to put our son to sleep and was supposed to leave...it caused a pregnancy and i had to go thru a very emotional abortion..this occured march 13 at 5wks 2 days pregnant..i have since seen him trying to coparent and exchanging our son at neutral locations ...yet he continues to give inconsistent assistance to our 3 yr old. i put aside him dismissing him raped me. i put aside him calling me an inconsiderate bitch for having an abortion after the incident..i recently had 2 file charges n order to get assistance with couseling because i was in deep depression...i prefer him to just go thru courts for days to have with the 3yr old
Unfortunately my daughters mom is a narcissist. We can't co parent . She damaged my daughter mentally, which is dad cause I would never do that to her. It's sad that she had to go that route for my daughter to hate me at such a young age
What do you do when your ex husband refuses to communicate with you about our son His new wife is uncomfortable with him communicating with me. My son is older but I still think we should be able to communicate.
@pinkandlavender My son required care that made it essential to communicate. If you made a decision to date/ marry a man with children...you must be mature enough to recognize that communication is essential in raising children. I am respectful to all parties and I expect the same respect in return. A persons insecurities doesn't negate my position in my sons life. Hope you search yourself for healing.
Usually I agree with Iyanla but to start this out with Power and what is going on with Ghost, Angela, and Tasha is off center. Tasha is doing a lot better than most women in her situation. I don't know too many married women who would allow their children to spend the night at the mistress house! How is this example securing the children when their father is still married? When he left the kids with Angela without telling Tasha? When he never had an honest conversation with his kids about him leaving the home? I am disappointed with this episode of the R spot.
I agree with you. Iyanla stated Tasha was the Ex-wife. I watch Power too and know they are still married, however I believe Iyanla is under the impression they are divorced because she stated so. I love Iyanla's work and I have never heard her support affairs, adultry etc... Again, I agree with you, I'd never allow my son to go to a mistresses place or be around a mistress. Tasha should divorce Ghost, however Ghost may be using Angela to get out of trouble and Tasha is in on it. Anyways, this is not about Power. Lol. Good post though.
I think this is point she's trying to make. When you focus on the things that don't matter, you miss her point, which is to secure the children first. As long as the child is not in any danger, does it make a difference that the woman is the mistress? Like Iyanla said, that's really not your business. Women do this because of their own ego and not based on the needs of the child.
I agree, secure the children first. As a married Woman, my child would not go to a mistresses place, that would not be securing a child to allow the child to be involved in a bunch of mess. Men and Women need to divorce first and handle all business appropriately. If my Husband had a mistress, it would matter to me. I can only speak for me. Allowing a child to spend time with a mistress sends a message that it is ok to be married and disloyal. IMO If my Husband had a mistress, it would be my business until we decide to divorce. Everyone doesn't know their self worth, some may tolerate this, I would not. Keeping a child away from a mistress has nothing to do with ego IMO, it's about protecting the child from the above mentioned and teaching the child being married.is serious and disloyalty to sum it up, is not normal and shouldn't be tolerated.
Ah, I see your point. The confusion i think is with this example specifically. If two people are still married I agree that they need to resolve that issue first. are you together, are you not? ...before they are actually in the category of co-parents. I was commenting as if the marriage is over and the guy just happens to now be involved with the THEN mistress. So i agree with you guys that her example at the beginning was off from what her message ended up being for the rest of this episode. I do think there's some truth to women (and men for that matter) getting caught up and "concerned" about the new person in the co-parent's life. It's one thing if you actually think your child is in danger but it's a whole other thing if you're jealous, bitter or just nosy lol. ...and then use the guise of "I"m just concerned about who's around my child".
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