Shame of Not Good Enough: Attachment Trauma Core Beliefs 

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RU-vid. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RU-vid. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

"shaming yourself for feeling shame" YES.

No one else has ever said"I'm sorry you have to go through this." Ever.

No one has ever said sorry or acknowledged how much it hurts. Thank you. Almost 60 and it still tears me up. My mom didn't want me and told me so. She was always disgusted and disappointed with me. I was the family scapegoat and have been bullied all my life. I want to stop the shame.

This is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone tell us how to handle thoughts like this. they talk about it but they don’t tell us how to work it out. thank you

it's strange because i am never mad or upset at those who harmed me, i only feel mad at myself. i'll protect my abuser forever, but i don't protect myself lol i am so confused. you are very good at what you do, i always feel like you've studying my family history, and you are talking directly to me. thank you for making me feel less disgusting.

Shame is triggered when I have relational needs so true!

Ever since i found you.... i came to realize the root of all my problems. This atttachment trauma gave me depression, anxiety, extreme rumination, addictive behavior, ive been clean from pot for 4 years now and im walking a hard and tough roas. But not one therapist took me to the depths you did. Each video triggers extreme emotion, tears of relief because ive realized where everything is coming from. You are heaven sent . Thank you

here's a great piece from Rumi: The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Therapy for like 30-35 years, 5-6 shrinks, lots of groups, a life largely wasted as I spent most of it struggling to understand what was wrong with me, yet I never heard it all described to me so plainly and perfectly. But that's it, everything you said. I'm just amazed, and maybe even hopeful.

Thank you, Alan! This is really helpful. I used to think shame and humiliation were happening "TO" me because I was inherently worthless. But I've rounded a corner. It now looks more like I've SOUGHT OUT the experience of worthlessness in order to justify the false belief I developed in order to cope (very imperfectly, but it was the best I could do at the time) with early attachment trauma. I'm finally able to admit that I've been doing this to myself, albeit unknowingly, and that I have the ability to break this pattern and to live more fully and more happily. There really is hope. I would not have thought so, even a short while ago!

I see now that my shame was the basis of my suicide attempts - really did feel that I didn’t deserve to live. Fortunately, I wasn’t successful. Thank you so much for these insights, truly life-saving!

So true, just because you feel it.. It doesn't mean it's true. Thank you

Internalised early negative core beliefs are incredibly difficult to "undo or re-programme" Self talk of a positive nature practices in a rebellious nature is what I have adopted - screw you, I do matter, I do have value and worth, I show myself the respect I did not get as a child. I choose to see the evidence of all that I am good. When in a romantic relationship however I lose my balance and it all goes out the window! I regress and its scary! This is my greatest challenge - to remain in my rational mind, to allow myself to have relationships.

I was treated as if there was something wrong with me. And there was. I had Aspergers and nobody knew. Even still, I could have done without the shame ...

I have felt this shame and not good enough and feeling shame for being shamed and embarrassment to be a human being for 55 years. I have just discovered your videos and have read most of them . I only wish that I could sit and talk to you on a weekly basis because you have been the first person that I feel you understand how I could hav had such a long painful life and you seem to know me so very well. I will continue to listen to your videos and i’m Hoping to just have a few last years on this earth liking myself and loving myself. The video about me trying to be so good as a young boy so that my parents would not fight and treat each other by the silent treatment truly resonates with me. It is my strongest feeling about growing up and that is fear- fear of being in the way, being too much trouble so I used try to stay out or the way and be invisible. That feeling remains today.i’m 70 yrs old- very sad indeed.

I was adopted at birth, this is how I have felt for 53 years. I feel I have never measured up to the expectations of anyone. Everything you said is exactly what goes on in my head. Thank you for this video.

I have been sobbing for 30 minutes straight listening to this. I have struggled all my live with this felling. It Is a feeling that never let’s me be, it chokes me, I feel hot, my heart raises and I start to feel like the biggest piece of shit in this planet. No one has ever understand it, and for the first time I finally feel like somebody described my exact life to me. Thank you for this video, from the bottom of my heart you don’t know how much this means to me, it’s sometimes hard to even get out of my bed, but for the first time I fell somebody finally understands me

Toxic shame has been my longtime companion as far back as I can recall. I'm trying to deal with it now, but it's proving more difficult than I had expected.

Haahaa, "Hello shame" I love your admitting a concept that is personal yet a very helpful tool for me.

i have felt self hatred etc. I never could figure it out. Even after years of different counseling methods. Watching this video left me in tears. I have always known my mother and I have never bonded. I had no idea the repercussions. Thank you so much for this opportunity to start to finally heal.

I remember the message my dad, especially, imparted to me: don't think too highly of yourself. You must be smart and stop being stupid. Adhere to authorities--they are smarter than you. My mom fell right in line, helping us not to know our strengths or feel too good. That's what love looked like, down the line, for them. So, your video helps me to identify this thought and put some metathought into it. I will be encountering this thought now, as I'm addressing my newly-assumed responsibility for myself, so I can feel the reward. The worthless feeling ties into the lack of responsibility for myself, somehow.

This is the best video I've seen. I always felt that I was alone and not good enough has always been an issue from as long as I can remember from being bullied, shunned and constantly being disrespected even into adult relationships and even from all my siblings to this day. Although I know they're the ones with the problem, they make me question myself. I just didn't know how to deal with the pain and feelings of not being enough. You make me feel so very validated and that I'm not alone in feeling this way, that so many people feel this way and it's finally being addressed. Watching your video made me cry in a good way because you have such compassion and I'm finally hearing someone acknowledge my pain. People always tell me to just get over it, and nothing even close has happened to any of them, and there is no compassion. I've been feeling for a long time that the only way to escape the pain is to exit this world, but I have small glimmers of hope that things will get better, which keeps me going despite the pain and shame that is always there.

**WOW ALAN ROBARGE*** I have been watching your videos constantly gaining a deeper perspective and actually finally having words to describe emotions , thoughts and behaviours that I have never understood or been able to gather all together to explain to anyone . Its always just been a bunch of weight in my chest. You are giving me the words and reasons why this crazy making inside me exists and how to deal with it. When you took a moment to sympathize and acknowledge how hurtful this truly is for those of us that experience this my heart felt ok..I felt all that emptiness finally being validated and I felt completely seen for once. I wasnt being asked whats wrong with me or telling me I just have to let some shit go and thats life or trying to use one of my coping mechanisms to ignore it. A complete stranger who cant even see me made that part of me that I hate and wish would not be so weak feel validated. I normally just wish I would suck it up and stop being so weak and not care like everyone else ,but I know that isnt dealing with it thats harming myself more and making me feel more like an outsider who is just too sensitive and too aware of others inner wounds as well and that just leads me to give more than I receive, but your videos help me receive and give me tools to help myself instead of judge myself . I am really grateful that you are making these videos its a really amazing and kind thing for you to do these videos on youtube . I look forward to learning more from you . Thank you again it is most appreciated Happy New Years

Excellent reminder, Alan! These thoughts are habitual and are occurring not because they bear any truth but rather because they have been reinforced by our willingness to ruminate on them and allow them to limit how we see ourselves. Thank you!

Alan Robarge, you are a genius. You've really helped me realising and understanding so much. Thank you for everything you are giving the world!

i love your videos. i have felt worthless and crazy since i was little and didn't know why i hated myself. i wish i had found your channel sooner!

Thank you so so much. I have cried through the entire video. When you say "sorry that you have to go through this" ..I am able to confront and feel sorry for this belief I have been carrying all my life

Is it wrong that I laughed so hard at parts of this video I had tears in my eyes? What a great tool....calling Shame out. I like the portrait of being in relationship with shame, but as a lesser friend or aquaintance: someone we are familiar with, but don't care to hang around. That's really true because this side of earth we may never be 100% healed, so we will on some level always retain pieces of that relationship, therefore we need to know how to navigate and handle it. Fantastic stuff!

Thank you Alan, very well said. Great perspective and reframe on shame. 🤗

Wow! I love how you deal with shame and “not good enough”. Love it.

My new favorite video! Thank you so much. I love your practice of externalizing shame. Wonderful stuff. I also think it is very powerful to acknowledge the feelings and that there is a concrete reason for the feeling of not good enough. To be able to point to the evidence and say, yeah I was treated this way, but today I choose not to believe that I'm defective even though someone treated me that way!!!

Thanks for helping me deal with obsessive thoughts. I call it the record player and it has been driving me nuts for many years. Your RU-vid was the most effective thing I have ever seen. I plan to listen to it many times as the short term memory is crap and need it to get into the hard drive. Many thanks.

these videos are changing my life! thank you Mr Robarge, :-)

Thank you so much just for understanding and recognizing the pain and the hurt people like me go through the fights that we have to fight every day in our head just to stay above water

Alan, you’re amazing, thank you for all of your videos.

My deep gratitude to you Alan, for helping me to separate the ‘yolk from the white’. My childhood experiences and subsequent emotions and beliefs (the white) are NOT the truth of my beauty and worth (my yolk).. which has always been and will alway be golden, whole and delicious. Thank you for your empathy and for those heart felt sorrys, for our pain. It was profoundly Nourishing to hear that. Thank you dear soul. It DID hurt. It hurt so much. But now I know my parents were just hurting too and shut down.. and I can look towards new self care, self nourishment and love.including allowing nourishing relationships instead of staying in the loop of giving to emotionally unavailable people. From your videos I now know that I don’t have to be alone and autonomous to be safe from being hurt by more emotionally unavailable people! Relationships matter. I can choose nourishing relating with people who are available for relating and grateful for it. Life is changing for me. My face is being turned towards the warmth of the sun.. I am allowing the sun to grow me.

Absolutely love this idea. Your silly voice made me smile and literally laugh out loud. Thank you for this and all of your work, Alan!

You’re a good human being, Alan 💝

Thank you! I really believe in using new healthy experiences to change our beliefs...I have been watching your videos for about a year now and they have been soooo helpful. I am also going to school to become a therapist and I feel very inspired by your work. Thank you for your energy, care and kindness! Liz

Alan, your videos are some of the most insightful, empathetic things I’ve seen anywhere.

You are a breath of fresh air to my being, Alan. In each video you describe exactly where I have been stuck for 61 years and I am si grateful to be so well understood. That in itself brings so much healing! Thank you!

This video made me cry and thank you so much for helping me release these emotions

Very, very good. I felt completely identified, and for sure I will practice this excercize because I want to change these feelings of never being good enough. Thanks.

Alan, your knowledge and insights are a gift to those who can and need to hear you. I wish every good thing for you.

A heartfelt thank you Alan for this video. I am deeply moved by every line you spoke because it is as if you exactly described my own experience or what i have been through. You helped me learn to like and love myself. You helped me save my life by seeing or knowing thw truth. A big hug to you Alan.💓

You are like an Angel for me, with your help lm learing to become healthier in mind, spirit, and body!!! I Thank You sooo much for filling my heart with your fresh insightful words!!!! Grateful and Blessings!!! :)))

Thank you so much, these messages provide relief to the relentless beliefs we carry about shame and embarrassment. Thank you again.

This video brought me to laughter and tears. Thank you, Alan, for sharing your work and compassion.

Thank you, I appreciate your sense of humor to shed some light on such challenging core issues .maybe just laughing can help us to heal 💖😊

Thanks for this video. I am dealing with this right now. I'm kind of in he middle of the muck and shame. It can be hard to find he right way to talk to shame and be with it. I am going to try this approach!

Thank you so very much for these videos. You seem to be the only person who gets real and grounded in your videos which is very, very helpful!!!!

Thanks for very clear delivery on what seems complex problem, raising self awareness of what mind is saying and instead of taking it on board see it as separate from me, acknowledge it, name it, be curious and acceptance but not in passive way, be compassionate and remind self don’t have to believe it even if feel it

It really helps me that you speak truthfully, directly and plainly. It helps break through my defenses, my denial. Thank you so much.

Thank you do much 🙏 Im crying so much in relief that someone acknowledge what ive been through

What a great enlightening piece. Thank you Alan for showing another side to dark feelings and beliefs. You're wonderful.

Wow. Finally something really practical about how to deal with this shame. Thank you so much. Greetings from Germany 🇩🇪

i really love this.... i knew i didnt have general feelings of low worth and so couldnt connect with much of what id read or seen on the subject but this idea of it being activated in certain areas or relationships is so so helpful... wonderful find... thankyou

Oh my god, I finally understand what is happening. Thank you. So much. Thank you for saying you’re sorry and for giving this information about how to deal with it. I’m hopeful and moved. You definitely made difference in my life

This is exactly where I am at in my life! Your wisdom, articulations and vocabulary is genius 🤩 luckily I am in therapy trying to work through these issues. Thank you 🙏Thank you 🙏❤️

Great video. These videos are helping me a lot. Thank you Alan.

Thanks again Mr. Robarge, these talks are really helpful, I'm currently on sick leave for a month bc of a strong depressive crisis, next week I'll go back to work and I'm SO SCARED of not being good enough to my therapists, my parents, my supervisor 😢 and ultimately disappointing myself again... I'll try to put your tips into practice and thanks for always being a loving light onto our paths ☀️💞

Literally started work on shame today at therapy... It's a really difficult and deep topic for me to grasp.... But I'm getting there.... This helped a lot

Thank you. I appreciate your compassion and understanding. I don't know what's worse -- believing this feeling of shame is true or having your logical brain try to tell you the truth while your primal brain screams you are bad, bad, bad -- crazymaking, for sure! I've suffered for many months and am just now coming out of it, I hope. For me, this was triggered by my narc mother going into long-term care (something I unconsciously thought I should be able to "fix" since I've felt responsible for her my whole life) and Covid, both of which happened at the same time. I'm ready to feel better and believe I can.

Love this video and your fun way of externalizing the shame, the devaluing self-talk, the negative core beliefs. Made me laugh and also feels really good in practice. Thank you!

Alan, this video almost brought me to tears. These are great strategies to deal with these types of thoughts. I appreciate the video.

This was really helpful and insightful. I also notice the resistance is strong to let these core beliefs to transform. My mind/body response is to not allow for transformation because I will only be shown externally what I believe is true internally, that I am not wanted or good enough to love. It’s so fucked. I am committing myself to continuing my healing journey, but right now it feels really difficult to undo. These beliefs are “trying to help” by keeping me out of harms way and simultaneously holding me down and very much hurting me. I feel trapped and resigned in this moment. It’s sucks.

Alan, you are so well-suited for this work. I hope that you enjoy sharing as much as we enjoy being on the receiving end!

Gosh I love you Alan. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love Melissa xxxx

Thank you for this message . When you said you were sorry that I’ve been made to feel that way I felt so sad . I needed that and I didn’t even know it .

Thanks for this wonderful video Alan ❤

He spoke word for word for me thank you I have never been able to put this into words and hearing you say this I connected so much and learned so much from this THANK YOU❣️

Hi Alan. Finding your videos has positively changed my life. I am so grateful for you and what you do!

You said "I'm sorry" is so poignant. I don't know you but those two words make me feel seen and understood. Thank you!

I love your videos, Alan. I think you are one of the few teachers online who really analyze and explain what I am going through and in a way help me heal. Thank you!

Thank You I Needed This !!!

Thank you, i needed to hear this. I feel heard.

Beautiful video 🙏🏼 thank you so much, it’s like honey for the soul…all the best for everybody dealing with this ♥️

Thank you ❤️, its been very helpfull to hear you’r videos. There are so much wisdom and i understand myself so much better already after just 2-3 videos.

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. I've never heard this expressed and explained so eloquently before now. It's brought the pain, in the depths of my soul, to the surface and given it a voice. Thank you so very much. You are a true alchemist. 🌟🙏😌

This was one of my favorite videos of yours. What a great technique!

Thanks for the wise and powerful lessons!! They are really helpful to people like me who really really need them!

Good advice, will be rewatching this when I need a reminder. Thank you

Thankyou so much for directing our healing correctly and permanently

Wow, this is your most helpful video! Thank you :) It can help dealing with many things.

Very good video and great pointers to call out that little "demon" in ourselves :)

Alan you are so cool. Thank you so much for taking the time to upload these videos loaded with great learning techniques. Bless you!

Thank you Alan , you have really helped me .

Press the stop button on those videos and tapes that play in our heads. Pull the plug!

You’re lovely too Alan! Thank you! 🙏🏻

Thank you, great work!

Beautiful video. Such an important message. And delivered so heartfeltly.

thank you, alan, you are great!

Another amazingly helpful video!! I’ve been feeling so much happier since watching your videos! I’ve had debilitating depression for the last couple of years. I had no hope and wanted to die. Nothing helped. I finally feel understood. I finally understand the why behind the depression too. This week I was able to work all of my hours at work which I’ve not been able to do for quite awhile now. I don’t feel as depressed, weighed down with sadness or lethargic. Amazing! I believe I’m starting to heal!

I really appreciate that you focussed on the SOLUTIONS instead of just discussing the problem. I've read so many articles and watched so many videos that talk, talk, talk about the problems of shame and trauma, rambling on about where they come from, why they are so bad, yada yada yada, but offering ZERO solutions. You have offered some excellent solutions, and I am excited to put them into practice :)

Thank you for this incredibly compassionate and helpful video.

So great--thank you!

This video made me cry, its crazy how much this mentality can direct one˙s life

Thank you Alan. Talking to my shame as an external person really helped when nothing else was.

Thank you Alan. You are a gift for humanity. Receiving your knowledge and compassion, I feel I am given a chance to be happy again. Thank you for dedicating us your time and helping us understanding, forgiving, healing and loving ourselves. I love you. With deep respect and gratitude. Estelle