Toxic Attachment Trauma After Emotional Neglect 

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RU-vid. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RU-vid. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

After all these years of thinking something was wrong with ME for being so angry, bitter, depressed, withdrawn. Everyone trying to convince me that maybe my expectations are too high , I'm selfish and should JUST accept things the way they are! THANK YOU for letting me know that my feelings have not been in vain. I'm not crazy after all!!

As a healing codependent I just can’t wrap my head around how someone can not ever see YOU in a relationship where you have given 110% of yourself for years. No communication, no engaging, no reciprocation, no empathy. Why do they want you if they have zero intentions of knowing or deeply loving you!?

I've gotten more from Alan and a few others in a couple of hours than in the 5 years of therapy that I've received. Thank you. Your channel is very helpful and healing.

Seems like as I get older, I am having to face so many things. So many revelations can be frightening, while at the same time enlightening. In a romantic relationship, it's the difference between intimacy and just being together. I need so much more than parents or spouses ever gave me. It is so painful that being alone feels more nurturing. Thank you for your counsel.

I have listened to this several times and every time I cry. I can't even put into words how helpful this is. I've lived and felt all of it with my mother and my husband whom I finaly left almost a year ago. It validates what I have felt so strongly. I have actually hugged you via my tablet. THANK YOU!

"I ordered something on Amazon and it got delivered. oh are you going to eat your pickle" yay this must be a real connection!!!

OMG. I have been listening to videos about narcissistic abuse for 5 years to learn what you have just explained in this one video.

For me, it was not only about the partner failing to be inquisitive about my thoughts, feelings, wants, & needs. It was also about his failure to share his own thoughts & feelings with me - especially on the topic of the relationship itself. Also, his selfishness and self-centeredness caused actual material & spiritual harms. I finally realized that even if I could accept the many negative things that it happened over the years, what I could not accept was continuing to be in a relationship with the person who had inflicted that pain and those losses upon me.

Holly crap! this message just illuminated a stark truth in my head. i considered myself "needy". i labelled self this since it seemed like i was always having to work to get my emotional needs met by "fill in the blank". just occurred to me i am not needy. i just didn't get my needs filled as a child. then i sought out this need fulfillment in my adult relationships.....rendered self "needy".....well, i am NO LONGER labeling myself "needy"....it is a derogatory term with very detrimental consequences to self...it dissempowers ones ability to know we can fulfill our own needs as adults! thanks again, Alan for very enlightening, helpful messages....xo

The crowning blow is when a person from a seriously neglectful/abusive background commits suicide and people call them selfish. The Golden rule covers so many atrocities.

I've felt more validation from this video than I think I ever have in my life. Sad honest truth....

Accepting poison at your own expense. Wow, very true. Thank you Alan.

Exactly-- how does someone LOVE someone and not want to know you-- If this is not a mess I don't know what is. I knew this was going on when I was two years old-- "There is no LOVE here?" Was my first remembered thought. I was somehow supposed to bond with the floor, or the dog. I am unable to bond and trust others and my family will always blame me because I could not cope with the emotional deprivation and neglect I grew up with. Evidently, If I was able to exist "without existing" then I would be worth something! LOL!

I’ve been in a 20 year relationship with a man who cannot connect with me emotionally. I’ve had several breakdowns that nearly claimed my life. I now understand why. You’ve freed me to move on. Thank you 🙏

Alan, this is Jennifer Sinclair. You articulated EXACTLY what my mother said to me...."Just accept me the way I am". I said "No, mom. I cannot. It is emotional abuse to provide me shallow talk 100% of the time as and never give more, ever"

It’s somehow relieving to hear my struggle articulated, it gives validation which is a relief. Thank you. I’ve been in this marriage for 44 years. I was emotionally neglected as a child and married a man that emotionally neglects me. His way of dealing with his hurts is to work all the time, achieve and work, and he looks like such a hero, after all he does it all for me. I’m just waiting to please die so this pain can end. Whenever I try to talk to my husband that I have a problem he immediately negates it and says that he has the problem and I am the source of it, even though he had no problem whatsoever until I said I did. So I stop trying. I settle for whatever attention I get which is often negative, and I cope. All my kids wonder why I’m never satisfied. I mask and smile and cope. It’s late in my life, I have depression, fibromyalgia, and I cry every day multiple times but I know this is my lot until sweet relief finally comes. This world is a test and I hope I pass.

Emotional neglect by the parents... so true. You can have a "normal" childhood, a house to live in etc. But if parents can connect with you when you are small and growing up, it carries into your adult life. Emotional neglect is so importamt

I grew up with authoritarian parents...emotional childhood neglect. I am an avoidant and attract avoidant partners. But I am emotional and very attached to people, friends etc. Working on myself and I left a relationship 2.months ago as I kept feeling the disconnect with my ex who is totally emotionally unavailable and avoids all deep conversations. I explained this to him and walked away. I can't accept crumbs for my wellbeing . On the path of recovery ❤️❤️❤️

Hit the nail on the head. My family is EXTREMELY emotionally withdrawn- always have made me feel like I am too much and asking for too much. The problem was them and their inability, not me.

HOLY. SHIRT. BALLS. Thank you so much. 5 years later. I’ve been grieving a toxic attachment for a year, beating myself up bc the last time we talked he said he expected more compassion from his partner, and I was “fighting too much.” My fights were about being neglected, invalidated, belittled, unheard. So not only did I come off “high maintenance for wanting care, but I also was made out to be the bad one for not being wholly loving and unconditionally accepting of cruel abusive treatment at worst and at best, just massive stone walls of avoidance. And as someone who was raised w abuse, I tried my entire childhood to love and accept my father and felt GUILT that I wasn’t go at “letting it go.” There’s absolutely no reason to just accept poor treatment. Thank you thank you thank you.

Brilliant explanation. Explains why I am so attached to emotionally unavailable men. Emotional neglect during childhood. No more poison from dysfunctional relating with people who can't give me what I need

I have felt depressed, lonely and suicidal for so long. None of my relationships ever gave me the emotional connection I needed. In the past weeks I have lost all of my friends and my boyfriend. And I have no one to connect to. I will be working on myself and trying to find the right kind of people for me. I hope I won't feel so scared and alone forever. Thank you Alan

Thank you Allen for describing the prison that I lived in for 36 years in marriage. God Almighty has used your words to bring me freedom and deliver me. Thank you

"you are colluding with your own history of abuse.."

After seeking therapy post divorce, the light bulb at the center of my childhood keeps getting brighter..just wow.

This information made me cry!! What a great relief to know, that my intentions and needs are ok and not to much to ask for. Thank you with all my heart, Alan!!! Namaste.

These recordings are helping me come to terms with a realization that I did the right thing in leaving a very toxic relationship, even though he's trying to talk me into coming back to him. Thanks so much.

Ouch! Golden observations of the destruction of self due to being denied love, denied being present authenticity and the resultant diseases, stressors, and consequences. Thanks for sharing this excellent diagnosis of rejection and psychological dynamics.

Almost more than I can bear to listen to this because it’s so accurate and puts words to the pain and the confusion and the deep emptiness. The grief is very real and paralysing.

"Oh, are you going to eat that pickle?" Love this guy.

Thank you so much for this!! I m struggling to accept an emotionally unavailable partner, and these are exactly the thoughts that run through my mind. That I am the faulty one for not accepting him the way he is and that I should be strong enough to live with that. I feel alone but when I try to explain it to him I am faced with all kinds of "tangible" excuses, like "I am here, aren't I?", or "but we do things together, we have dinner, we watch movies, we talk on the phone from work". I feel like everything I say sounds woo woo to him. Don't know how people live like this. It feels so lonely. Thank you for validating me, it feels a lot better.😊

In my past relationship I never felt validated even one single time. And I thought I was too needy!

OMG this is my relationship - no interest in my emotions and not valued. I feel invisible

Wow that was extremely helpful. J grew up not getting much of that even tho my childhood looked “normal” often times my parents or step parent thought I was lying. Now when I relate with my partner and I have the need to be heard , they avoid, and it is extremely painful to me.

I always have a RU-vid video like this playing in the background as I go to sleep. I've naturally woken up at 6.30am and heard a life altering point of this video. I've had years of DA partners tell me I'm the problem and I'm too needy etc but now I realise my problem all along has been to choose these men that neglect and abandon me over and over which reconfirms I'm unlovsble/replaceable over and over. For the first time since my break up I feel relief it's over and I don't want him anymore. Thank you x a million!

Why is healing from attachment issues so difficult? It's like my brain keeps playing games on me. One moment I tell myself I can't continue tolerating abuse and the next I question myself for not trying hard enough. It feels like an addiction to abuse. It's overwhelming.

'It's a chronic grief' provocative daily sadness. and 'it's not your job to accept being rejected!' wow that spoke to me. Thank you for this talk.

exactly! I'm going to lose my mind if i keep trying to accept this toxicity

I believe that it is what you are accepting. I came to an awareness that allowed me to change my response to those who are toxic in my life when I accepted that those individuals can not be changed in their view or response to me no matter what I try. Therefore it helped me to remove the change my communication with then. Of course it doesn't make the situation perfect right away. I still slip into self doubt and sorrow but I am able to grow in standing up for myself and start a process to change the dynamic. It was not about accepting the behaviour it was about accepting that I should stop looking for emotional stability from those individuals.

Thank you so much. You just validated my experience with both of my parents. Every single word you spoke was a validation and a confirmation of the emotional neglect I have experienced. Thank you so much.

I didn't know to what extent this early childhood experience has and still had on my life and why I have been recreating it in my love interests with unemotional men...omg

This has been my life. My entire life. What relief to hear you say these perfect words. I can't relate to my family at all. My twin sister is a narcissist (fraternal). And I'm really trying to come to terms with all of this, and how to not feel guilty by cutting them out.

I tried emotionally engaging with my ex. Didn't work. He couldn't handle it. he doesn't understand feelings. I know understand that i have to let him go completely. I still try to emotionally engage as a friend now but he doesn't get it, after we talk i feel very drained and emotional. So i decided to ignore him and focus on my friends. But it is difficult to accept the reality to not being able to emotionally engage. I still want him to see ME but he doesn't ... It makes me very angry. I would do it differently next time.

Thank you once again, Alan. Possibly the most relatable video yet. It is not my job to accept rejection. It is not my job to try to fix someone else. Thank you. ❤️

God!!! The end is just mind blowing! Thank you so so so so much for this information.

This is an amazing interpretation of why its not good to keep visiting those that won't relate to you in an honest and open level and you leave rewounded everytime. The emotional hang over everytime you visit with your parent or even when you are trying to connect with some you care for or love and they will not engage and are distant and withdrawn; emotionally unavailable. These are now issues I will no longer tolerate in a relationship as a meaningful connection is what I have been looking for and I have been tolerating crumbs, unrelating, and not having an honest and genuine conversation with men, I have been involved with in my life. I learned so much and will no longer tolerate this unhealthy and superficial way of relating again. Thanks you for explaining this so well!

Alan, you are a breath of fresh air to the minds of so many who are stuck in this endless cycle of self betrayal. I tried for a year to mold my reality to fit a very emotionally withdrawn person to the point of my own physical and emotional detriment and it was the support and message from those who are in the healing and recovery community to help guide me to come out. I am so grateful for your message and knowledge and ability to refine your language to such accuracy that it really gets there and I get it. I feel like you are being guided by some spiritual intelligence to bring this message but that's another topic. Thank you!

As a therapist who works with women in struggling relationships this was a helpful video as it truly captures the 'surface level' relationship ("are you going to eat your pickle") vs. the relationship / marriage that has depth and empathy and curiosity about their partner. Emotional disconnect is often what brings my clients to see me and your explanation of the consequences of emotional neglect and how it influences adult behaviours/ relationships is instructive. Thanks! :)

Wow this is exactly what just happened to me in my relationship. My reactions and my doubts about why i cannot just except this emotional lack of connection and that my needs are not getting met. It really felt like a betrayal to myself when i tried and i got physical sick. I realized only than after a few years that my own betrayal was the cause and made a decision to stop the relationship cause it was to toxic for me and i was getting angrier and angrier. When i saw you video i realized i that this is coming from attachment trauma. That relates perfectly to me because i was adopted when i was 6 and my mother died when i was a baby. Also the adoptive parents were abusive and never available. So i am in big trouble. Thanks for posting this video you are a lifesaver! I know now where to work on and made me more aware of the needs of my kids. Thank you so much!

Wow. Who knew? This explains a lot. You are a gift. Thank you.

Wow! You make incredible content. Unreal! The way that you put this all into language blows my mind. I have a hard time articulating this to my husband. I explain to him that his silence feels like emotional abuse. He stone walls me, and in return I get extremely emotional. I tell him his silence is killing me but he honestly cannot see that there is anything wrong. He refuses counseling and tells me that I’m the only one who needs it since I have the abandonment issues, and since I cannot handle my emotions. Yet, I feel he gaslights me and makes me question my reality. I have developed anxiety, which has caused me eczema, faint spells, and an irregular menstrual cycle. As much as I do not want to divorce, I feel like I have to. I’ve recently got on medication, because I almost passed out at work. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, and I am only 28.

Clarity and words that make sense. Thank you so much. Dispel the gaslighting. See the situation as it really is. As I see and feel it ... being emotionally ignored , accepting a low grade daily poison, betraying yourself. That is exactly what it was and felt like.

Listened to this so many times that I can almost "sing along.". Can't say thank you enough Alan.!!

As a person who has for more than 50 years been dealing with my own experience of Attachment trauma and Narcissistic childhood sexual abuse and resultant C-PTSD I can confirm that as you say there are no easy answers,no quick fixes It's all on you.Finding your Self from scratch and coming to terms with that sense of bewilderment is no easy thing.It takes a while to assimilate the message contained in this video,so simple yet so mind-blowing.But thank God it's out there.To anyone else:It does get easier if you put the work in.No pain no gain.

I understand the concepts shared in this video and agree to it to a certain extent. I really resonated to accepting lack of relating from emotionally unavailable people as “poison” because it is NOT pleasant to be in the continuous presence of dysfunctional relationships. However, in my opinion and this is something that has helped me cope with “accepting” the reality of things that certain family members are just not emotionally available and may not be aware nor do they have a CLUE how to heal to become emotionally available nor they may not want to take that deep healing journey because it’s scary to them, if I continue to EXPECT THEM TO CHANGE their unhealthy ways knowing that they cannot or are not willing to... Then I am hurting myself by EXPECTING to get water out of empty wells.... For me to have come to this realization was not easy because I too had to go through a grieving process to finally ACCEPT what is. Hence, accept certain family members or people for who they are. Now do I have to take them out to lunch or be in constant relationship to them. Absolutely not! This is where discernment comes in and knowing when to relate to them and coming from a place of NO EXPECTATIONS whatsoever for having my emotional needs met by them. This is what I use when I get to accept my family members including my own mother who can be challenging at times. So I CHOOSE not to share deeply with her or even respond to her negativity or defensiveness because engaging with insanity or emotionally irrational and immature people is a never ending battle and needless to takes away my peace of mind. Now when it comes to CHOOSING our romantic partners, that is a totally different story because I can accept once I realize that the cause of my troublesome dynamic with a romantic partner has to do with having allowed a person who is emotionally unavailable come into my life. Then I can accept that my partner WILL NOT meet my emotional needs and I let them go because I will not settle to be or live with someone who cannot meet my emotional needs to feel seen, heard, valued, respected, validated and supported. I get to choose again! Otherwise, I’d be betraying myself for CHOOSING to be in an “close and intimate” relationship who is not capable of fulfilling that need. I get to be kind to myself by intimately sharing and relating my inner world with those who are worthy of receiving and are capable to receive my inner sharings... not to the ones that are not equipped to do so and be constantly disappointed because they cannot meet my expectations. Awareness IS KEY!!!

Thank you Alan. Finally started to create real boundaries with my family who cannot engage with me at an emotional level. If you don’t care about my emotions, you don’t care about me. I’ve felt too depressed and invisible for too long because of this. Thank you for validating it’s okay to disengage in this circumstance - it is a physical pain and as Alan says a wound that gets re-traumatised due to early attachment injuries (like drinking poison, every time). It is okay to put yourself first and engage only with those who truly want to know you. Already depression and emptiness fading away... it really wasn’t me, but the result of engaging and putting my all in relationships that don’t see me. Wished I had this realisation 10 years ago. Now trying to deal with that regret, for lost time. Nearly 40 years old but finally realising what I deserve. So much time been lost. Just seems to be a “gift that keeps on giving” but hopefully at some point the grieving will be done, the losses dealt with and the freedom of a new future will be a reality 💜

Wow. You brought the sauce on this video. Thank you Alan. This one articulated everything that I have been trying to desperately out run and avoid knowing, seeing and feeling. Thank you and for others like you that are validating the intense pain of attachment trauma. And for giving information on the steps it takes to move toward healing. To everyone out there that is coming to a deeper awareness and acceptance of their life story, don't give up- we owe it to ourselves to heal. In love, light and peace, may God bless us all.

I'm at 26 now and I felt more heard from this video than from my parents my entire life. Thanks for the video Alan, cheers :)

Everything i believed about love and my relationships was wrong. Painful eyeopener. You just told me that things I took as virtue ( acceptance and so on) wasn't virtue but toxic childhood programming in my case. You know it is not first time when something what I believed was good thing turned to be poisonous. First time it was when I understood that I do not practise unconditional love but actually allowing less then i deserve now this. I thought i am ok;) But I was not. Am not. Also what is worst-my marriage can not be...And we have two kids:(

If you say how you are feeling, you get accused of complaining... You are not to a) complain about anything that you can't change and b) feel unhappy about anything, you should put on a brave face and see the silver lining or the bright side of things. Not only was this the way it was growing up, it was the way it was in my last relationship. As a child, my siblings and I were not allowed to argue, we had to "get long". I now have done this to my children... How do I change it and what do I do instead when conflict between them arises? I have never been aware of any of this until the last 6 months... I'm a slow work in progress.

Such a great video thank you Alan!!. When I first watched this 3 years ago I took your advice as hard as it was and separated from my parents. I needed to heal and they kept traumatizing me. It was poison. I distanced from all my family and many friends as the patterns all played out. I worked on myself and healed my attachment and abandonment trauma. I was then finally able to have surface phone conversations with them for 5 minutes knowing who they were and that is all they have to offer. It would have been impossible to communicate with them had i not healed that deeply rooted pain. It was horrific. Sending love to anyone going through this. Loving yourself enough to distant yourself from these people is crucial to healing and recovery. You are worth it and you are loved.

exceptional, so thorough, the feelings he describes we are left with from the emotional neglect is spot on, namely 'life or death'

Omg!!! Thank you sooooo much for this incredible video! Finally someone can validate the reasoning behind me letting go of the relationship I have with my mother. It’s incredibly painful to hold on to a relationship that was non existent in the first place. I actually cried watching this because you hit it on the mark especially when you said how your system is chronically on arousal, anxiety, hormone imbalance etc. It makes total sense. God really blessed me by sending me this video! Thank you so much 💕

Hello Alan. Thank you so much for telling and helping me and others know the truth about attachment trauma. I can resonate to everything you said. You exactly described what i've been through inwardly and outwardly in my relationship. I grew up so confused until at some point where i felt very drained and empty. I experienced overwhelming pain and sadness. I felt so hungry and thirsty for love, affection, validation, truth and a sense of freedom which i never and will never get from my narcissistic mother. I listened to videos about attachment trauma just recently and knew about it after 37 years.

Thank you for your video, it was super validating to hear an expert explain my life experiences in such an elegant way. My therapist could never quite get what was referring to when discussing not feeling seen by my partner and told me the same "He's not a mind reader, why can't you accept him for who he is?" line. It began feeling like my expectations of a loving partner who acknowledges my presence consistently enough is completely unrealistic and maybe there's just something wrong with me.

Thank you. I was married for 38 years with a husband totally emotionally detached. Eventually divorced. It was so very hard. Thank you so much. This has put a light on my journey

Thank you! This was such a helpful video. I appreciate how careful and deliberate you choose your words to accurately explain things. Im not doubting my feelings any longer and wondering if they are justified.

That is exactly why I got divorced and what becomes unbearable with my original family. Thank you so much for letting me understand what's going on.

I am so relieved to hear what you're saying and its the first time someone has spoken from this perspective. I've been trying so hard to accept this emotional neglect from my mother and had so much guilt and confusion in cutting her out of my life over the last few months. Thank you so much. This has been most helpful!

Wow...I feel like you are voicing everything ive been struggling with. My need to connect emotionally is so strong. Having had a mom who dumped me several times as a child into abusive places, being seperated from my dad sine i was a baby n reuniting when i was 14 n meeting my 5 other siblings with him, my stepdad abusing my daughter and my mother then leaving to be with him n not support my fight to bring him to justice..then when my father passing away in 2010 a few yrs after finally connecting - and feeling like my new found siblings i thought i was bonding with distanced themselves and only expecting me there for family get tigethers but not being available when i was wantg to connect...im all screwed up. My mother moved away now 13yrs ago n stays with my daughters abuser n i again feel abandoned. It is physically painful n i battle each day with this and trying to control it within me. Thank u Alan..im trying to work on myself and ur hitting it on the head...im a work in progress ..its tough but im a fighter.

Amazing video, thank you! Hopefully it is not too late to break the pattern of un-engaged, unemotional relationships that were the product of my childhood emotional neglect. Its truly baffling how no matter how logically aware I am of the pattern, my subconscious keeps finding those people who will help to recreate it, effortlessly! Understanding is powerful

You took the words right out of my experience! It’s so cool to hear someone validate it! Thank you!

"... You're colluding with your own history of abuse." 😭😭😭 This is an amazing video. Thank you.

I'm new to your videos and I find you so incisive and articulate on the nuance of these types of traumas. It's so validating hearing you unravel this. Up to the 10min mark of this video, you're describing to brutal detail the roots of borderline personality disorder. BPD nearly killed me, and I'm now 12mths in remission. But there is SO much to learn, the more I recover. And some unexpected adjustments in the way I see family members, myself, and learn to set boundaries and even who I am. Thank you so much for what you share here. ❤️

You are so good Mr. Robarge! Really know how to nail things down...I can’t get over this type of education & emotional healing being free on youtube 💝

You are god sent for sure to heal. Ive read in a brief time many of your videos and quantum leaped in my growth. You really do understand from experience and you deliver it sooooo well. You have such a great grasp of language and communicating. Very generous of you to give freely. Your a GREAT MAN! I've most certainly subscribed. :)

I thoroughly enjoy all of Alan’s videos but this one by far takes the cake. Not only did it help me... it pretty much solves my every burning question. Thank God for you, Alan! ❤️

i love it !thank you the way you explain that accepting neglect is reinforcing self betrayal is so true

Thank you for the absolute clarity I gained from this video. Your teaching gave validation to the confusion, anxiety and suffering I've experienced over a life time. It was an answer to my prayers. Bless you for providing an additional stepping stone on my healing path.

This so so timely! I am having a lot of difficulty coping and dealing with my family! This is so liberating and validating and puts into words my feelings exactly! Thank you so much for this preciseness and well explained poison as you say, this toxicity that is impossible to keep on accepting!

Love this video! Alan you’ve described me and my biological family spot on. My family has all the creature comfort but I was persistently neglected (First born, never get up to trouble in school. So my parents just assume that I can “take care of myself”). And when I eventually realised this is the case when I grew up, they reacted by saying I’m ungrateful, how they provided me with a roof over my head and food and clothing and yet I accused them of not being a good enough parents. I’ve cut ties with them. Still healing over this neglectful childhood.

Alan. You are the ONLY one who has made complete sense regarding this topic. I've learned much.

Great Alan, after 7 + years of therapy I can say this is a great video with some awareness backbone. Thanks for your insightful understanding with great clarity in describing.

Wow Alan. I have listened to so many of your videos and podcasts and this by far is my favorite. I am so impressed at how well you break it down and explain it. My inner child is jumping up and down thanking you 😊

Thank you. This is truly healing to hear your words. Well laid out. Much appreciated.

Thank you for helping me find my voice. I've been slowly developing it for the last couple years. This is a breakthrough.

Amazing stuff, explained everything going on in my life .

i stumbled accross your videos randomly and its like you are talkign right into my situation. amazing insight.....good insights here.

Awesome video, Alan, as always! So enlightening and so comprehensive. You are a gift to this world.

Wow, this is so wonderful. Thank you for acknowledging me and my being, and what it's like in these situations.

This video is a huge eye opener that hits me to my core. I am learning so much from Alan's video.

This is amazing. Most people are really in need of getting answers just like this video provides. I have heard no one explaining this until you, Alan. You are exceptional, Alan.

You are quite possibly saving my life. Thank you.

Thankyou Alan..i finally know its not my fault..i feel heard, understood and validated..even tho we are strangers..i feel like there is a kindred spirit who cared enough to tell my truth..may God bless you 🌈

Omg you are the only real connecting counselor on RU-vid. THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU.

I’ve been looking for this info and validation my whole life. Cannot thank you enough for sharing this insight!

I really am impressed by the timing of releasing the video, I've been thinking a lot about this topic recently and it has caused me a lot of distress and hurt. The ongoing daily dysfunction of being around family members who never made me feel seen or heard is just too much, thank you for reminding me that I'm not lacking compassion or acceptance. I'm grateful that I have a few friends who reciprocate that level of emotional connection i need but still my family wound is so deep especially that it keeps reinforcing itself everyday with how they interact with me. I don't know how to handle this, I talked to them before they acknowledged their mistakes and apologized but their behavior didn't change. I'm confused and hurt.

This channel is life changing and provides immense insight and healing in such an attainable format. I’m so grateful

This is so deep and so necessary to hear..... In fact I'm going to replay this video over and over again until it is firmly implanted within the faulty wiring of my traumatized brain 🗣️🗣️🗣️ I WILL NOT ACCEPT LESS THAN I DESERVE . Thank heavens for your support Alan.🤗💓🤗💓🤗 I think I'm finally getting it.🤪 I can't wait to get on your course 🙏🏽💙🙏🏽