Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage? 

Being a married woman who lived with her husband prior to marriage, I do actually agree that waiting is important. I feel we are kind of an exception to the statistics & if given the chance to do it over again, there would be things we would have waited on until marriage. 8 years in and we are happy and strong because we work together to make it that way. We value our marriage. If you need to "test" living together to see if it will work, maybe that's a sign of problems. You can't test out a whole life together by living in the same home for a year (more/less). I promise this. Nothing could have prepared us for the many ups and downs with our home, our children, our life. Few things even went according to our plan. Somethings were never in our plans. There is no good "test" to know it will work. What will help decide if the relationship is forever, is being sure you have the same goals in marriage, the same beliefs, the same commitment to each other.

I love this! I am 21 and just got married in December. My husband and I were dating for 3 years before we got married and never lived together. It was so hard because at some points he pitched the idea to me, but we decided to wait and it was so worth it! Even though we've only been married a short time, we have grown so much and I'm really thankful that we didn't fall into the "testing the waters first" thing.

Hey Jeff. thank you so much for this video ... I'm engaged currently and really convinced myself that moving in together was the best way... test if we capable of living with each other ... "before its too late" . this gave me new clarity. thank you again

Please don't be scared to be longer videos. Truth nuggets are good, but truth entrees are even better. Please forgive the corniness.

"Trying it out" before marriage inevitably leads to a marriage that's really nothing more than a really long "try out" and when/if things don't turn out like each partner was hoping then they just leave.

Even though this video doesn't pertain to me as of right now in my life, I'm glad to have heard this message and I know it'll save me a lot of questions in the future (but seriously I haven't even had my first girlfriend yet but I honestly think about these kind of things its kinda weird haha). Thanks Jeff for being so bold and nervy to share about topics like this. Have a great week man. Aloha

Today's modern society has been trained by tv, movies, media etc that we are to take right away what we want and do what we want no matter the consequence especially on the level of the soul. BE selfish. Waking our sexual urges at a young age and saying that it is healthy and must be acted on because then to be celibate is extremely unhealthy. It appears they are wrong. Sex is the least important thing in a relationship. Getting to know the true character, soul of the person without sex is very important. When you are married they will be moments such as having young children, fatigue, illness can prevent you from having sex and you know your marriage will survive because you know that you really love each other and that it is not just based on physical attraction. It is a much greater chance your marriage will survive. A strong marriage means healthy children and it ultimately means a healthy society. I would say the ultimate key is 'God first, husband/wife second and children third and humility and immediate forgiveness NO grudges and blaming' that way you will survive every crisis. God Bless.:)

one thing I would like to point out is how many of those studies involved people who moved in because they thought marriage was down the road. I just feel that more times these days people who move in together are not thinking of marrying each other. My husband and I are lucky that it worked for us. we moved in together after a couple months and have been together for 7.5 years. I enjoy hearing Jeff's points on this and feel others should pray for guidance and think before you make a decision. I also feel like we are always testing out the other person whether we live together or not. I don't have any issues with someone who wants to wait until marriage. this is just my opinion :)

Even without the statistics I would have agreed with you, love what Tim Keller said, great preparation video Jeff, thanks!

Hey Jeff, I was really interested in what you would say in this video, thank you for being sensitive about the subject! I just wanted to share my personal experience with this. My fiancé and I live together, and our wedding is in July. We are 21 years old, full time students, and both work part time. Living together for us has absolutely nothing to do with wanting to test the waters out or anything like that. We got engaged 2 and a half years ago, and are 100% committed to each other, and so excited to share that in front of God, family, and friends in a few months! Living together before marriage is something I never thought I would do and something we both take very seriously. However, since we go to school three hours away from our hometown, living with family/friends is not an option and we simply cannot afford to pay for separate places. It is not a matter of not wanted to pay for separate places, there is no way for us to afford that. We currently have a two bedroom apartment with separate bedrooms that we sleep in each night, as we are both fully committed to staying sexually pure until our wedding night. This is a connotation of living together that we struggle with constantly. People assume that since we live together we are sleeping together and that's simply not the case. Maybe none of this make difference, but we are doing the best we can. Thanks again for all your videos, love them!

Maybe the break up rate is so high because you realize, after testing your relationship by living together before marriage, that you could not stand living with that person for the ret of your life. Sometimes break ups are a good thing for a couple. You have to see if you are compatible.

This video is so helpful! I am engaged and actually feeling really guilty before the Lord and feeling like its so hard because of the fact that we are in a more easier place to fall into sexual sin because we do live together. This video has really been a confirmation for a lot of things I've been praying about. It really has definitely made me want to rethink things and run to God in terms of what to do until the marriage takes place! But thanks for sharing your views and have a blessed day man!

I can happily say that my wife and I are one of the few couples that successfully cohabitated. marriage was just not affordable while we were both finishing our degrees so we chose to move in together. June will be our 2nd anniversary and our first child will be welcomed into the world in March. We just recently purchased our first home as well. back in November I decided to check out a local church and have been attending regularly for the first time since I was a child. Finding that church and that community combined with God's grace and love will be why these two cohabitators will make it. Thanks for another awesome Monday Message Jeff. God Bless

Amen! And thanks for taking that comment in the last video and making this one

Love this!

Great video! I also look at it this way - when you're "testing out" the relationship you're not in any sort of commitment or covenant meaning, you can back out and leave but when you're married you're in a covenant and you grow and learn together so when some challenges rise you work together to resolve them and figure it out together. Therefore, higher rate of the relationship growing and surviving. I got married at 20 and been married for 3 years so I definitely can say I experienced it for myself and am speaking out of my own marriage learning. God bless! P.S. I would love to see a video similar to this with you and Alyssa in the near future, maybe marriage related or any other topics!

There is a big difference between "I want to marry you and live with you for the rest of my life" and "we should live together and try it out". The moment you say "try it out" it shows some level of doubt. You are not 100% sure it's going to work out, which means it probably won't. It's like saying, maybe you'll be good enough​ for me. Maybe you'll be worth it. Nobody deserves to be treated as a maybe.

Wow Jeff this really spoke to me. I'm 23 and married. Both me and my husband are Christian. Before we got married we did not live together and I feel like it was because exactly what you said. We didn't live together because people said we should but because we loved each other and when we did get married it was such a good decision. We have grown a lot as a couple especially since we decided to walk with Jesus. This past year has been hard with two miscarriages but we gave all glory to God and how now pregnant with our rainbow baby. Your videos are great and it's nice to watch someone who is from the same area as me. I will show this to couples that are on the edge about moving in together.

Truth! Nothing but the truth is spoken in this video! I love it! Keep up the good work!!

Recently started listening to your and Alyssa's podcast, love it! I appreciate the honesty, transparency and openness to tackle questions of any sort head on. Big fan, love how God is utilizing you two in BIG ways! Looking forward to listening to your book on Audible soon :)

Loved this! I always hated when people said "you have to test the car before you drive it" whether they were talking about someone sexually, or even in this type of way. It makes them think that person is an object, and like you said, we aren't. 🙌🏻

Wow thank you for this. I'm graduating high school this June, and my boyfriend had already mentioned living together during college. This really got me back on track

This is the best response I have ever heard to this question. I'll definitely be recommending this to others in the future. Thank you, Jeff, for your hard work to put this together!!

Can you please make a video of What is marriage? the definition marriage? the commitment of marriage. Thank you .

Thank you so much for this video. I have been struggling so much with this. It is so hard in today's time to stand up for what you believe in and not get ridiculed. But I know God is encouraging me on a daily basis to not give in to the ways of this world and this video has really helped. Thank you so much for posting!

Hi Jeff! I just bought your book and I love the way you break down the bible. Your breakdowns of what the bible is saying makes sense to me and helps me to bring more of those values in my everyday life. Making the bible current is so important so I love how your videos do that and I feel like it helps me to become closer to God because I understand how to apply verses to my life. Your advice is much appreciated and so helpful. Thank you for all you do!

I LOVED THIS!! You explained so well Jeff. so proud of you for making this video!!! 😊 lots of love to you, Alyssa, and Kinsley! 💕

I think this statistic can be skewed a bit, though. This is just saying that people move in together before marriage, not necessarily even on the road to marriage. Meaning that a good portion of those people that are breaking up after living together probably would have broken up whether they lived together or not, living together just accelerated the break-up due to being around each other all of the time and the relationships problems becoming more prominent. I'm planning on moving in with whoever I end up marrying when I'm just engaged. By that point I already have the commitment required in a marriage, the wedding just hasn't happened yet. And I know that I'm in the relationship for the right reasons because I'm not having sex until my wedding night. I'm 18 now and I don't see anything wrong with living together without having sex. It's a much bigger testament to live together without having sex than it is to never even kiss until marriage and still not have had sex.

Wonderful video! I am currently engaged and getting married in December at 22 years old. We've been together for 4 years and we couldn't be more excited to enjoy the gifts that come along with marriage! It's so refreshing to see a video on this subject, as so many people our age tell us "I'd have to live with the person first". It's so sad how lost the purpose of marriage becomes when you speak with college students.

This was a great video!

I admire how you are so sensitive when talking about this subject. I love this video and agree on every point! :)

I admire the ministry that God had entrusted you as a youtuber, that's why I subscribed right away. You're life is both a blessing and an inspiration. I want to see more of your videos.

Wise words, Jeff Bethke -- Wise words. There is some great advice in this video. Thanks for sharing it, and for being willing to put yourself out there with a view that might not be anywhere near as popular as it should be.

I know this is a sensitive subject in today's society but I want to thank you for looking into this statistically and making an honest video of how you feel about the subject in a loving manner. Love your videos and I hope you keep them coming. It is a beautiful testimony and ministry. Blessings.

Thank you, Jeff! I've been listening to your videos and at first, they were quite insightful. This time, it's become more personal. I recently became a Christian and I've been debating about moving out from a cohabitation situation. I don't have the parents to ask advice from. Thank you for sharing and living the truth: even if it's hard to hear. Though few may want to hear, their are those who do want to hear the truth. Please continue to speak and live the truth by the Word of God.

Excellent post! I don't think I've ever seen anything before on the subject this solid.

This is a great video. Thanks Jeff. I really pray that God would continue to use you in this way.this is such a word that our generation needs. Im so glad God has raised you for such a time as this. We are a blessed generation indeed. God bless you.

this was a great video! I love that you are discussing topics like this and see before marriage, and just the types of the things that are going on in relationships now a days. I'm currently single, but I genuinely want to have a God honoring relationship and marriage one day in God's timing. And sometimes it's so easy to want to settle and give in to how the world handles relationships and not wait on God. I regularly pray over myself, my future husband, and our marriage that we will not compromise. praying over this and trusting God helps me to gladly remain single until God brings a godly man into my life who will respect our relationship and my body enough to WAIT for sex, living together, spending the night, sharing bank accounts etc until we are married. The young adult service at my church recently began a new series called Marriage Goals and I invited my friend, who lives with her bf, to come. she is very willing and excited to attend church, so I pray it will help her think about her decisions within her relationship. She is an awesome girl, and I just want her to have the best relationship God will give her. Thanks for these videos!

I agree that in most instances, living together before marriage can be a bad idea, but my boyfriend's family took me in why I was homeless and when we got good jobs and he graduated college , we got our first place together and we've been living together for almost three years now. We are a team, building each other up, and working on our relationships with God together. We made a promise to get married and are still very much in love.

I think the whole thing can be summed in the fact that good things come to those who wait. Patience is a thing that so many people lack these days.

Jefferson, the amount of people you are influencing is beyond awesome! God bless :)

Wow Jeff, Thank God for you sir! Such a gift for communicating God's will and word.

Thank you for the video! This topic isn't something I've specifically struggled with, as I've shared your view point all along, but something else you said really struck a chord with me. You said that while you're living your own life (not engaged, not married) you are still learning to build self control and work through things you need to deal with along with saying no while your body and mind are saying yes. That's where I am, everything in me wants to be engaged and ultimately married to my current boyfriend, but that's just not where it is right now. While it would be easy to give in to temptation and live together, that's not what will bring the most joy. I'm learning patience, waiting on the Lord, self control and working on things in my life that need worked on. Thanks for your reminders and pointing us toward the truth. I appreciate you and Alyssa's ministry!

I totally get this video... I am married now but before that we spent a year cohabitating with my then fiancé, we restrained from having sex because when we met each other we were a mess and were doing it all the time. During out relationship I became Christian and talked to him about not having sex as we did before. We tried really hard, we failed several times but always got back on our feet, until we were able to respect the covenant to wait until marriage, it was a long road but we were able to make it... it's a matter of will, a matter of defeat your flesh desires!

I love that you took a statistical approach to this question. Very well delivered.

I really enjoyed listening to you....your heart and soul are in the right place...and for someone so young, I hope the other young folks will open their ears and hearts to hear you too.

the way you went about this topic was genius! you could feel grace ans truth coming through!

Amazingly beautiful words. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.

Not even done with this video and already subscribed. Such good content! Preach it!

I love this!!! I actually was thinking of this minutes before you uploaded the video. Thanks Jeff!!!

Okay, now this doesn't take into account different life situations. If two people are in love and committed to one another, and have been for a number of years, but are not yet financially stable/finished with their education (as grad school- med school can take many, many years), they may not be able to afford a wedding at this time. So for these two people, who are committed to one another and intend on getting married when finished with school/are financially stable: these people should not live together because they haven't had a ceremony? A ceremony and, yes, a piece of paper lawfully binding you two together does not equate love. I am sorry if this is not a popular opinion, but this is pure fact. Marriage is not what brings two people together, love is. So, if the only thing preventing these two people from living together is financial stability to hold a widely "socially acceptable" event to "prove" their love to each other, doesn't that sound like a silly reason? Listen, I understand the religious point of view. But years and years ago, it didn't take this much time for both people to finish their education, and many people don't have the fortune of their parents paying for their living. If you are in a long term (as in my situation- 6+ years), monogamous relationship: living together will not hinder your future as a couple just because you don't want to go to the court house and cheapen the event so you don't become a "statistic". I don't think individual love is a statistic and shouldn't be compared to one.

Hey man I love very special channel, I love that your information is scriptural but also factual. Keep up the good work man I’m praying for your channel and your family

Asked my youth pastor a couple of months back the same question. Pretty pleased that both of you had similar answers and explanations. :)

So happy you made this video! It really shed some light on this topic.

This is such a great video! Thanks for sharing these truths, Jeff :)

hi Jeff! I love watching your videos and vlogs. I also have been so encouraged by Alyssa's Psalms devitional. This video is so awesome. I have this conversation with friends and classmates all the time. I basically say what you put in the video, just less eloquent. And whenever they say, "Why don't you and your boyfriend live together. You want to be married, right? You don't really know someone until you live with them." My response is always a mix of what you said and that if you do have a truly honest relationship, founded on the roles set in the Bible, you will know the other on a deep and intimate level. And that you have to go into a marriage, and thus move-in, knowing you will have to change and compromise and so will they. If you have a servants heart to your spouse and show daily grace AND rely on God then most things will just be small things you will get through together. All in all, great video. Thank you!

thanks for this! Helpful big picture stuff and well thought through from a secular and biblical perspective.

Great video! My friends have discussed this before, didn't think about this perspective

I've also seen the studies, but what hasn't been studied is what percentage of people who cohabitate before marriage is due to financial necessity. Additionally, what could prevent couples from getting married but not living together could also be financial aid for schooling, or even health insurance.

Very well said. Absolutely great insight. I can agree with all of your points; moving in together is appealing for reason you listed, but I never thought of it as a "test drive" until now, and that is totally what it is! Wow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

Jeff well done on been sensible and compassionate 👊

I love & support what you guys do. Keep it up! 👌🏼☀️

I have been with my, now, Fiance for 5.5 years. I have been engaged for about 8 months and our wedding is in June. I finished college back in May and we have been doing long distance for about three of the years we have been together. We are now planning a wedding and my family is in Arizona and he is in Florida. So we moved together so we could plan our marriage and so we could be together for marriage counseling. I have never lived with him until now. I have never question me moving with him to be a bad decision, and I still don't think it is because he is my life partner and I have verbally committed my life to him as his wife, & we absolutely love living together. We just haven't gone through the wedding part yet (5 more months). But I agree with this video, and I never want to go against God's word. I just wonder if we are in the wrong? We as a couple try to do things the best we can to honor God.

Great video! Can you in the future do a video about Christians marrying young? (19/20/21/22...) A lot of people I talk to say you should wait until you have a good career and have dated the person for 5+ years. But is it really worth opening yourself up to temptation with your S.O. just to wait for higher income? I realize marriage is work and that it is maybe even more work when you are younger but is that enough reasoning to wait until you are older? Thanks for considering :)

Completely agree!!thanks for another inspirational and encouraging video!!

Great video Jeff! You put everything I wanted to say into the right words. I know so many people who have this mentality of "I need to test this out/I need see if their really worth it". And it kinda drives me crazy. Lol. I really wish I would have said more to my friends about this. Because it's just as you say, people aren't accommodities. If your only in the relationship to see if they can please YOU, then what's the point at all? Like, would you dump your partner who you love just because the sex isn't good? Would you dump them because they leave food in the sink? Leave the toliet seat up? Because they take up the TV? Gahh... If you love someone with all your heart, then little bothersome quirks they do should not make or break the relationship.

Another awesome video! I really needed to hear this.

great stuff Jeff!! My husband and I waited to move in together until we got married (among other things we waited for). Best decision ever, left no regrets, no guilt, and it's an adventure! I'd def encourage anyone struggling or feeling pressured to move in to just wait it out.

Thanks Jeff, very helpful vid. Loved your book too!

Thank you for expressing your beliefs with gentleness

THIS VIDEO 🙌 Wow. Everything was explained so articulately!

Well said Jeff! Thanks for being a blessing. Looking forward to more :D

God bless you. This is the best video I've gotten on RU-vid that has given proper advice on this subject. Thank you so much! 😆

This was such an encouragement! Thanks Jeff!

Loved this Jeff! Thank you for sharing :)

I loveeeee Jeff!! I love all the points in this video!!

Thank you for being a light to the world! Praying the Holy Spirit continues to speak through you

I do agree with this. But I also think there are circumstances. When I graduated high school my parents left and moved starts and I chose to stay on my own. I got to a low point where I couldn’t afford to live. My boyfriends family took me in and I lived with them for around 5 months. But I also wasn’t “living” with my boyfriend. I hired with him and his family. I had my own bedroom (not even on the same floor as my boyfriend) we did not go into each other’s rooms alone and his mom treated me as her own. She is very godly and we prayed about this together in advance before we made a decision. When we lived together we had to remember we were still “dating” and not living together. Thats was one of his mother’s big rules. Meaning that during the week we spent time with the family and on weekends he would take me out on dates just as he would when I lived with my parents. I really think that was okay. And it worked for us for that time in our life especially with God in the center of the relationship. I just thought I’d share that

You're wise beyond your years, Jefferson. I love it! God Bless. :)

As someone that lived with her spouse before marriage, I can attest to the damage it does to a relationship. Thankfully my husband and I have worked hard at fixing things. But we've paid the price. Something changes when you say the vows for marriage and are married. It is the deepest kind of commitment. And if the foundation is wrong, then it will damage the relationship. Save yourself the pain and just don't do it.

Divorce stats are so high because people don't truly know God. If the married couple both loved God fully, there would be no divorce to consider. A good marriage is God in the center of it all.

Good video. Very much in with His will.

Love the video! My boyfriend and I are Christians and we been living together for five years, we are not married yet not even engaged but when we decided to move in with eachother we made sure that we were gonna stick by eachother nomatter what not just as a couple but two best friends. With God its been possible. We been through so much and over came it all and I have a rule never to threaten to leave when things get tough. But I pray that we can become one through marriage because at the same time I feel ashamed, especially sex before marriage. Its not that we don't want to but rather financially its hard. He always treats me with respect, he's made so many sacrifices for me, we communicate amazing and through misunderstandings we especially look to God. A situation like this confuses me cause of course we don't wanna disappoint God...we are extremely happy together and we have unfailing love for eachother but does this disappoint God?

Wow, thank you. I needed to hear this.

For my first date with my wife to our wedding date was only 9 months. But our FIRST kiss was on our wedding day. Date with a purpose. we'd go out to resturants and just discuss our finances or how we wanted to raise kids ect. we've been happily married over 2 years and Im glad and have NO REGRETS OF WAITING!!! its worth it!!

Thank you for your videos! I love them all.

I feel like this is where my past relationship ended was when we lived together. This is good to know for the future! Thank you!

You just spoke life into thousands of couples! Loved it!!

So well explained ... Thank you thank you thank you for this!!!

Awesome video bro! God bless!

I LOVE this!!! Thank you so much for filming it! Wow, you blow me away with your videos... you have such a gift with what you do! =]

thank you so mucht, Jeff! This is so true and encouraging!! God bless you :-)

Great talk on another very sensitive subject!

God bless you, young man, for speaking the truth!

Thanks. Good points and well made

Awesome video Jeff! :)

Great video Jeff!!

Beautifully explained and addressed! I made many mistakes and cohabitation was one of them. I was that 50% chance that failed, and I remember telling my partner at the time, that I felt like I was a car, that was being test driven, but he convinced me that I was exaggerating. In fact, we had arguments about me not wanting to move in (we were in a long distance relationship) and he said I was being dramatic. There was red flags all over, but I chose to ignore them despite my convictions. I am living proof, that cohabitation hurts a relationship. Cohabitation, made me feel like I wasn't marriage material, it made me feel like an object rather than a human being with emotions. I wish I knew, what I know now. But I have faith God will redeem, all my mess and turn it into a message!

wow! you are wonderful! This is my first video of yours. Loved it!

This really helped Jefferson! Thanks!