Raise your hand if you still hate small talk 🙋🏻♀️ What's that, you would rather stare at your phone? Me too! But after researching this video, I've started to but more effort into random conversations and talking to strangers in the right contexts. And, I promise that after some practice, it's not as terrifying as you might think. Even for an anxious Australian. As always, thanks for watching! 🧠
Extrovert bullshit studied by extroverts on extroverts assuming everyone is an extrovert. Nothing is more annoying than listening to some moron waffle on about their vile spawn.
🙋🏻♀️ But then again, I don't have a cool astronaut costume. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-XqdULycjBYg.html When making small talk, it sometimes feels like I'm interrogating someone. Sometimes when a person is telling me about something, I feel like my brain might lock on to one word they've said and then spiral off into some sort of day dream from word association.
Then start talking to a mirror as a starter. It would help you overcome any negativity towards small talks to strangers. And yes try dressing yourself funny while talking to a mirror.
The problem with that mentality is that smalltalk is the gateway to interesting conversation. Smalltalk is part of the process of finding something you're both interested in talking about, through a sort of trial and error process. If you try to skip ahead and start by talking about something you're interested in, you might encounter the problem that this is not in the persons field of interest, and they will feel uncomfortable to have the subject forced onto them. So we "warm up", and by the process of talking about mundane things we branch out into other subjects we might find interesting. It's a dance that also serves numerous other purposes. Through smalltalk, we can start exploring what people think of us through body language, tone and so on, and we can start to explore if we're interested in them. It's not just the process of finding an interesting topic to talk about, but also the process of finding out if you're interested in talking with this person at all. Maybe this is why skipping ahead to serious topics sometimes seems like such a violation of social norms. It's a bit like saying "I love you" on the first date. Both people need some time to find if they are interested in the other person, before they invest their time and effort in conversing further.
thats because the way you do small talk. just throwing words at each other back and forth sure is boring as hell, actually getting to connect with a new person is super fun
I wonder if "the liking gap" is a problem in self-reporting. When you tell a pollster what you think _other people_ would think in your shoes, you're likely to be more truthful than when you tell them what _you_ think in your own shoes... even anonymously, people tend to lie about their personality to make themselves seem like better people. So are people perhaps telling the surveys that they liked other people more than they did in order to not seem selfish or mean? It's something to consider.
@@thesupergreenjudy More truthful than when on the record? Sure. But they still lie, because they're lying to themselves at the very least. I believe it was in the book _Everybody Lies_ by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz where I read that a survey of Christians found the vast majority of them claiming that they became saved because they believed in the truth while believing that their fellow Christians became saved to avoid Hell. Given that _every single_ conversion attempt includes the carrot of Heaven and the stick of Hell, it's reasonable to believe that _all_ Christians think that this is the tool for conversion. If they were really won over by reason, wouldn't they feel that this is the path to convert others? And even though the survey was anonymous, it's easy to see why few of the respondents wanted to admit that they gave in to fearmongering but instead believed themselves to be believers for good, rational reasons.
I'd also guess that they're over reporting how much they enjoyed the other person's company since they want to believe they're more accepting than they really are and because it is socially acceptable and somewhat ingrained to be accepting of the people around you. I'd be much more interested in their implicit feelings/opinions of the other person rather than what they're reporting.
Meehhhhh. Thing is, between my anxiety and the fact that I have trouble staying engaged in conversations about topics I'm not interested in (of which there are only a small subset: music, superhero movies, TV shows, and science), small talk with strangers is just a small panic attack waiting to happen. If I'm in a large crowd, I'll either stick close to my friends or pull out my phone. I may not even actually be paying attention to my phone, it's just a way to look like I'm doing something so I'm not standing there awkwardly.
I find it easier to ask if the person has any pets, if they do I'd ask for some pictures because many pet owners adore their pets, if not I'd ask if they ever wanted one or if they are allergic. Either way it's simple a straightforward question.
Same, Duchi, same. But I have been slowly trying to talk to more strangers after starting to research this video, and after some practice, it's not as terrifying as it first appears.
I've always been talking about the little things with my friends, even with random people. My repertoire of small talk would include global warming, the recent news(usually regarding crimes), their opinions regarding what things are worst, scarier(typical sleepover QnAs), trivias and of courses; hobbies and interests
Talking to strangers seems like it could be fun. My main issue, though, is with how to actually start talking to them. I'm guessing "Hi, I'm x", "Hi, I'm y", "So... what do you do for fun?" isn't _exactly_ how it's supposed to go? I always feel like I need a decent reason/excuse to start talking to people, such as "Hey, did you do problem 7 from the calculus hw? Cause I couldn't :("
I blame the increase in reliance on phones. I'm not that old, but I grew up without phones and tablets. Making small talk was how you entertained yourself if you didn't have a book, and you definitely didn't turn up to a party with a book. That was the point of parties, pubs, bars - to enjoy yourself, meet people. Millennials and younger need to put down their devices and learn to engage with people face to face again.
The trouble isn't that I'm concerned other people don't like me. The trouble IS that I don't like other people. Most people I meet live such privileged and/or isolated lives that their entire existence is basically just "a dozen shades of the same single color" Then, a lot of the people with more diverse backgrounds & experiences are so enamored in their own existence that they're also just obsessed with continuing to "collect experiences" in very artificial & superficial ways. I grew up welding, went to school for psychology, became an EMT, and currently work as a fitness instructor. Most people opt for comfortable lives rather than interesting ones. That's why most people who enjoy small talk lead small boring little lives. Even the one with money & "experiences" live in a sad little bubble that no amount of travel spending can ever help them escape from.
I think of myself as a very boring person, I have topics I would like to discuss, but I never know how to lead to them, I don't know how to start a conversation. And when I do, I think I'm boring the other person, no matter the topic
Own your weirdness! It doesn't matter much what you talk about, people remember more how they felt in conversations. Look out for threats to pick up and lead to your topic of interest. Or slam it it their face by saying that you are interested in their opinion and ask them what they know about your topic - be on the lookout for any possible ways you can make the topic be of concern for the other person. Search for their essence: what they can add to your day, what you can contribute to them and recognize what makes them unique, brilliant and vibrant (like a rainbow unicorn from the chocolate chip world of Pandoras coughing baby clouds).
You don't have to lead to a topic of conversation; you can simply throw it out there. I remember riding in a car with a couple of ladies, once, and they literally talked about 12 different subjects within 2 minutes. I know, because when I noticed their rapid changes, I began counting and keeping time while they talked. It was a real trip. But anyway, if you want to talk about a certain topic and you don't know how to bring it up, just ask the other person with full awareness that you're changing the subject. For example, if you want to talk about politics, but the conversation is on animals, just say, "I know this is way off-topic from animals, but what do you think about Trump?" If the other person responds, "You're right; that's way off-topic," you can joke about it: "Well, maybe not; I mean, the consensus is, like him or not, he's a pig." In other words, find a way to laugh about a subject change. If it's an awkward subject change, then smile and say, "I know; that was really awkward. I am so sorry." And laugh at yourself. Maybe the other person laughs with you, and that connects you a bit more with them, because they've had moments in which they've felt awkward too. Afterward, you can comment, "But I really am interested in hearing what you think about Trump." Now, you've told the other person that you're interested in their opinion, and that can open a person up a bit. Also, starting a conversation is simply starting with some type of connection you have with the other person at the moment. "So, what do you think of this weather?" If someone is reading a book, you can start with, "How's the book so far?" (Just keep in mind that a person reading a book probably doesn't want to be disturbed.) If there's a song playing out loud (let's say you're at a cafe where music is playing), you can ask the other person if they like the song. They give their opinion, you give your opinion, then you can ask a follow-up question of what type of music do they typically listen to. If they listen to similar music as you, then you have the start of a conversation. If they listen to music you don't listen to, then you can say that you don't listen to that music but you still find it interesting, and ask what the other person likes about the music. Finally, don't hesitate to start a conversation or be in a conversation because you think you're boring. All you have to do is talk. Let the other person decide if you're boring (what's boring to one person may be interesting to another person). In fact, if you want, you can even joke that you're probably boring the other person or just ask if you're boring the other person. They'll tell you. Above all, though, remember to practice. Maybe your first, second, or twenty-second try goes horribly wrong, but take what you learn and apply it to the next try. Believe me, I embarrassed myself countless times before I finally got the hang of conversing with people. And don't feel bad about embarrassing yourself. It happens with everyone; everyone has moments of embarrassment. People don't remember that stuff anyway, so just learn from it and let it go.
For me it's not that I have a problem talking to strangers. I have a problem talking to people that I don't share any interests with. I can't fake an interest into a subject I don't care about. I HATE small talk. It feels like a completely useless waste of air. The feeling I get is like, If you don't have something interesting to say, please stop wasting my time.
It can be hard for extroverts to understand introverts, We don’t get energy from being with others it takes energy. So while they get over their shyness and talk and then feel good after it we just feel drained, unless we really did connect with someone but that’s not always the case.
I don't hate small talks but most of the time they are pointless conversations about pointless things that we already know about. I would rather have a big talk on meaningful topics that interests both parties.
Thanks for the video! What are your favorite topics for a small talk? Except job and travel plans related (I barely travel, and find people who don't travel not being interested in the topic). I'd say one of my favorites is something childhood-related.
I only like small talk if the person I'm talking to is also engaging. Most people don't like small talk which makes small talk literally unbearable. I always enjoy talking to people, finding out new books, music, tv shows, movies, places to travel and restaurants/cocktail bars to visit.
VSauce's 'The Science of Awkwardness' I think is a must view for anyone who feels like dying amongst strangers - he shows that social awkwardness is actually a positive thing, and without social awkwardness we would basically lose our humanity.
Short, to the point and very helpful. I love your videos. My current living situation requires that I learn a new language to talk to strangers and I have been using that as an excuse to be even more sheltered. I think opening up and studying Italian will improve my life two-fold so I will give it a try. =)
There's a really funny character called 'Sarcastic ray' created by The Mary Whitehouse Experience from the UK. Sarcastic Ray is a guy who is really nice and caring but suffers from a speech impediment/accent that makes him come across as sarcastic in conversation. He takes up a new language, which cures him for a while, but he eventually begins to come across as sarcastic as soon as he masters it (which is really deep if you think about it). LOL, he dies in the end but it's hilarious as people want to help.
I have a lot of chances to excercise smalltalk while playing airsoft. It's a very easy way to excercise because usually people are in good mood and if the conversation bottoms out you can always talk about each other's gear. And during downtimes in the safe zone people have not much to do so usually everyone is up for a little chat.
At last, something positive about small talk! I hate it when people say things like, "I hate small talk because it's shallow and boring. I want a deep, meaningful conversation!" Like, no. I don't know you. I'm not going to discuss my deepest fears or dearest ambitions with you. If you don't like shallow conversations, make small talk about more interesting topics. It doesn't have to be about the weather or your respective jobs or whatever. Small talk is a skill that can be developed, and once you get good at it, it can be very interesting and is more likely to lead to a deeper conversation. I say this as someone who grew up painfully shy and was terrible at small talk. There is a certain degree of "fake it 'til you make it," and you'll probably have some boring and awkward conversations along the way, but seriously, you can eventually make small talk engaging and fun.
Yeah but that's science for you. Often our intuition is wrong so it's best to be completely sure it's right with a proper study before we go around claiming it to be true.
After watching this video I’m surprised to find out I’m actually pretty good at making small talk. Most of the things said in this video I already normally do when interacting with strangers. Who would have thought.
FORD method: ask about Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams Small talk is important - that's how you meet new people when you grow up. Good social skills is one of the best provisions for your life. It is true that it is annoying sometimes, but staring at your phone and ignoring people around you will not take you far in life.
I just wish there weren't the pressure to engage with people when you don't want to. Not only are you considered rude if you don't partake in smalltalk with strangers, but you're expected to behave a certain way and stick to a social script while doing so.
I never liked small talk because to me, it doesn't accomplish much in the long term. If you're trying to get to know someone, you want something that sparks a conversation, not something that just fills in awkward silences. If you're already friends with someone, it contributes nothing to your friendship (unless you haven't seen them in a while and are just catching up). If you're not trying to make friends, you're basically collecting info that you're just going to forget about anyway. The annoying reality is you usually need some small talk in order to actually build up a friendship with a total stranger.
I've been following you for a few years now and it's cool to see how your channel, and you as a youtuber matured and evolved. I still miss your paper dolls sometimes though.
I miss them too! I'm sure they will have a renaissance soon but I can't use them for every episode anymore, I don't have the time like I used to! Thanks for subbing for so long :D
Great video, just started school so good to know my brain saying people dont like me is telling me lies. Also. Dolphins: people who are very intelligent but hard to talk to. Like physics majors!
The example questions somehow sound pretty unnatural and forced to me :S except for "what do you do for fun". You can just tell they're from an arbitrary list and come off pretty fake. Just my personal opinion! Here are some more phrases to try out that have worked pretty well for me: - "How do you know [mutual friend/host]?" - "I wish I was more of a party-person. Are you a party-person?" - "Small talk isn't reeally my thing / Don't you just love smalltalk? You like movies?" (proceed to ask about favourite movies or movies they've seen recently, what genres they like - keep asking what they liked about those films, or if it was a bad film, what was so awful about them, etc. Lots of follow-up topics here, like favourite actors, genres, yadiyada.) - Stick with me here BUT "What do you do" is a boring question that can be a good question depending on if you know how to follow up on it, like asking follow-up question/s like "are you happy doing that" "how did you end up [doing this job]" "how come you went with [job]", gradually sussing out the journey that led them to where they are today, focusing on the choices and reasons rather than have people list their whole CV. "If you hadn't gone for [job], what you think you would've done instead?" Delivery is always key, so if you feel a bit weird about it you can always practice in the mirror and feel out what feels more natural coming from YOU. You can also think about what you wish other people would ask you in these situations, or pay attention to how charismatic people around you do smalltalk, see if you can notice any patterns. I learned a lot from taking notes in my head about people I found enjoyable to talk to, and observe how they talk to strangers. Good luck out there!
I'd say that too... but it's likely skewed as introverts. But in the other side, the actual studies could be skewed towards extroverts, or like measure that indeed, if you reduce your anxiety/unease/unnatural-feeling of small talk, then you feel better when those situations happen... yeah thank you but I'm way happier when I'm not pressured into these situations on the first place!
Maybe small talk could be a gateway drug to deeper conversations? Presumably by letting you find someone with which you could _have_ deep conversations.
I'm an introverted person but I put a lot of effort into conversation; the annoying thing is, the result is usually that I have to carry the whole thing. :/ And the people I talk to don't have any imagination. They don't ask good questions (just the normal boring "what do you do" and "where do you live") and don't seem to know what follow-up questions are. I feel like I'm an interviewer. Screw smalltalk xD
Good points, I mostly fear language barrier nowadays on top of the usual but I guess there's not much else to do but try... And strangers generally care much less about you than you think. It seems obvious but they are most likely not thinking stuff like "The blue t-shirt would fit better with lime pants, this salmon colour is slightly inferior". Really, it's just you in front of the mirror.
I used to hate small talk. I was disdainful of it, thinking that it was pointless and uncomfortable. After spending the better part of a decade working at a restaurant I've learned to engage in small talk. It's not as bad as people make it sound.
I still think I'll hate small talk. I just do not like what most other people like, so it's just not for me. Maybe I am just bad at it, but my responses tend to be Science heavy while most other peoples responses seem meme heavy...
I really want to be better att talking to People, however, while listening to this video I tried imagining a situation where I had to have a conversation with imaginary strangers and my heart start beating real hard, palms of my hands start to sweat like crazy and just an overall feeling of get out before it's too late. Rellt want to be better at people but start to panic real easy so don't know where to start.
It seems like most of the commenters have a problem with the idea of small talk. The questions that Braincraft suggests are ones that can lead you out of small talk into meaningful conversation. Assume they like you, follow social norms of body language, ask some questions that can lead to a common connection or interesting conversation - and see what happens! And have something to say if the convo isn't working out e.g. enjoy the rest of your evening, I'm going to keep mingling for a bit/I need some fresh air/I need to catch *name* before they leave. For me though, often it's just the unknown, or little what-ifs that hold me back. If you can practice meeting people in a common environment - e.g. conference/camp - that can help with confidence.
I really hate small talk. Normally, people just talk about their lives and don't give a shit about yours. The really masters of small talk, aren't the ones who search search for it. But are the ones that wait other insecure people making the questions.
Yea... no thanks, there's nothing I hate nearly as much as talking about nothing of value. That said, I'm actually pretty decent at getting people to like me during the first few interactions with them. I've even compiled a list of heuristics/ideas that seem to increase the likelihood that they'll like me and it's basically identical to what you found in your research so it's nice to see my anecdotal evidence and hypotheses had me arrive at similar conclusions. The only modification I'd do to your video (since I hate talking about nothing of value like what someone did last week with a passion) is to try to talk about more interesting/broader reaching topics. It's why most of my friends are at least to some extent nerds. While obviously my behavior isn't always consistent I generally try to interact with people that look out of place or bored at an event and only really end up interacting with one or two people for the entire duration of the event instead of just doing meaningless meet and greet with a dozen different people.
wow, i thought braincraft died as a channel.... this is the first time ive seen a video for it in my feed in like a year! looking at the page, i see there has been ALOT that youtube never told me about. youtube REALLY needs to fix their algorithm.
@@ratamacue0320 are you kidding me????..... subscriptions is pretty much the only one i use.................. i wish it was just all the videos for all the channels your subed to, but its still sorted and filtered by an algorithm.
Wohoho, that's small talk for you? Err, if that's small talk then i do like small talk o.o I allways thought dull and senseless questions are small ones. Hmm..
I have used FORD before. It works pretty well. Family Occupation Recreation Dreams When all else fails, I usually like to just throw in something like "So, what do you think about free will?" That usually does the trick. Either they smile and engage, and it is a great conversation, or they think you're weird, which is funny and helps you know that the conversation won't be very stimulating.
@@GeldarionTFS It's just a series of useless/pointless questions which have no meaning to myself or the person I'm interacting with. For instance, family just seems too personal to talk about with a complete stranger. Why would I tell someone how many siblings I've got or where I'm ancestrally from when I've just met them? It has 0 meaning to the interaction at hand and can be safely cut. Occupation is only really interesting if it's deeper than just "I need to pay rent" and at that point it's more of an interest rather than an occupation. Which the last 3 can basically all be categorized under so I guess I end up merging them into an 'interests' category and try to formulate questions around that? Considering that conversation may be the only time you talk to that person I think it's more worthwhile to jump into trying to find common objectives/interests/etc than it is to get personal details on their life. This idea is why I don't ask people for names upon initial meeting. I likely won't remember it and even if I do somehow manage to remember it, it's very likely we'll never talk again so what's the point? Also I think discussing people's interests is a quicker way to get to interesting discussions/debates than discussing their family/job/education/hobbies/goals/etc. For instance, I doubt you'll learn that someone likes space exploration from FORD but if your goal is getting at someone's interests then the conversation is more likely to eventually get to that topic. This can then be carried into an interesting debate on space privatization, politics, science fiction, megastructures, terraforming, lighting/shadows, life, science, colonization, etc. In short, all the topics that I'd actually prefer to talk about with a random person I've just met.
This is so typically American :-) There is no definition where and when talk should go big or be small. Go with the flow and don't hold back so much. And most of all : Listen.
Looking at the comments, chances are person you start the small talk with is also already uncomfortable so they might like it if someone else takes the first step. Guess that's why reasearch says they like you more than you think. I guess we're all somewhat awkward.
I also enjoyed the new format, but I also like Vanessa’s face telling me interesting things. There’s some beautiful comfort in her voice, her skill at framing and communicating information, and eyes that could launch a thousand ships!
Go to 1:03 on this video. It's what I immediately thought of when you were talking. I saw this movie when it came out and this line actually changed the way I spoke with people. I think it's extremely useful. "Interested is interesting" ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-BVB2sqjygjs.html
Downvote. This video isnt about mastering small talk or even small talk. This is about avoiding small talk. Nonthing in this video actually addresses small talk.
These questions were to hard for a first meeting. What excites you ? I have to think and then it sounds dull so now I am stuck. I like simpler questions , like What do you do ?
Effective communication is an essential skill for success. Therefore a link to this video along with keywords has been added to the DR-KNOW website by IQ-2k Information Services
