@@jochemsmaal722 No, it's their challenge to bring something deep and meaningful to the table. I am a busy man and my time is precious, so you'd better not waste it with your pointless horseshit. That's the real challenge.
@@lindagray1809 The trick with that is to start getting them to talk about things outside their personal experiences. Talk about things in the news, talk about things on TV, that sort of thing. By doing so, and doing so in a way that this becomes a regular part of conversation, you can help break down the barriers that keep people unable to do anything else other than narrate their own lives, though I realise that this takes a lot of patience.
worst part is when you're clearly not engaging and they continue to talk to you.... how many times can i say "thats crazy" before they stfu. its annoying that its considered impolite to not engage
Most people are pretty decent, and most people who say things like "I just hate most people." are individuals who really need some psychosocial-emotional help.
@@Supiragon1998 How are you defining so much of this? What qualifies someone as worth having? Are you carrying yourself through life with compassionate understanding in order to eye with constructive empathy and genuine humanism, or are you simply judging without any real and true constructive purpose? Are you being honest with yourself? What really is it that lies behind you negative perception of most people?
These are my issues with small talk: 1. When I try to split off into a deeper conversation, most people usually seem uninterested and don't want to talk about the deeper topic that resides just below the surface small talk. 2. A lot of social gatherings consist of individuals who place their image above conversation. Who they are seen talking with trumps the conversation regardless of how well it goes. This leads to no opportunity to have any meaningful conversation.
True, but it's not the rule. A person that regularly uses small talk doesn't qualify them as a good conversationalist, friendly, likable, less busy, preoccupied, etc. A good way to look at small talk is to say "Not all people who use small talk are successful speakers. But all successful speakers use small talk." People also are judgmental, constantly sizing others up... determining, usually on a sub-conscience level, if they want to give us the time of day. Maybe there's an age gap, we're too out of shape, the wrong color or height, or don't dress upscale enough. So again, there are a couple things happening here. One, small talk works and is necessary. Two, you still have to find people that are mindful, present, and interested enough to reciprocate.
my small talk always turns to massive talk instantly, "how are you going?" "yeah I'm alright" YEAH BUT HOW ARE WE GOING TO TURN MARS INTO A GIANT HOLLOWED OUT DEATH STAR STYLE SPACE STATION FOR EVERY ONE TO LIVE ON IN VR HEAVEN WHILE WE WAIT FOR THE SQIDS OR DOLPHINS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO SAY HELLO?" it's kind of a problem
I've no doubt that a confident conversationalist knows how to turn small talk into something meaningful but this video seems to be addressed to those who feel uncomfortable with it, yet it doesn't look at the problem from their perspective. The whole problem of small talk is that it is rather difficult to make it count and only those who are good at communication can achieve something with it. So any advice for those who struggle with communication?
My humble opinion: People who struggle with communication can usually be great listeners, this can help you zoom into a part of the talk where you ask more about the feelings accompanied with the small talk topic. So if they say "Uggh the weather is so gloomy i don't feel like going outside?", you may ask: "Why does the gloomy weather bother you personally?". Usually this tends to bring out the more relate-able sides of your counterpart and can spark you to start sharing on the same topic. I think the video hints to this as well. Another nice ice-breaker if the mood and person allows is to play a nice, brutal game, just say: "Hmm, You know what? i don't really have anything to say, ask me any three questions. Go!", it's always worked, because who doesn't like a challenge?
Just do it. Be interested in what people say and be interested in what you say. Besides that - you have to practice and make terrible mistakes to learn from them.
@@mmm59mmm I don't mean to discredit what you say, but in my experience whenever I ask questions like that people, instead of going deeper, simply reply, "I don't know." or "Because." Perhaps they themselves have never thought about it or just don't know how to bring the answer into "acceptable" conversation if they have. It just usually leads to a dead-end whenever I try that approach. I've never tried gamifying conversation quite like you suggest, though. That seems like it could be fun--at least worth a try... Or rather, a few, since one conversation is never truly indicative of how another might be. Plus each conversation can be taken in totally different directions by the seemingly smallest of details
@@littlefishbigmountain True, people can blank out because they've never thought so deep, or bc they might be too scared to share their in-depth opinion in fear of showing weakness. If it is the latter, then you might engage them by pitching in with your version of the answer and saying "I hate it too, specifically bc it makes me feel depressed and it puts my mood down". Again there is no perfect single conversation template, and we will always hit dead-ends here and there. The idea is to make each other comfortable enough to share things that make us vulnerable and show excitement. And totally agree on how conversations can go diff routes with minor changes :)) happy experimenting
I don’t recall ever engaging in small talk with anybody where it evolved from that. Even when I try to bring up actual subject matters, they still reply with short, uninterested, statements and fail to bring up any alternative subject matters themselves. It’s as though some people can just keep conversations flowing (as long as it’s not one-sided) and others just grunt at each other to get through the day. Seems the only way to avoid the grunters to is to avoid small talk altogether and only bother with those that start off as they mean to go on.
@@thriftyfreebies this happens so often. it seems like either the other person isn't able to read that we're trying to get through the small talk and talk about either each other or something more interesting or maybe they're just simply being themselves and whatever that they're talking about is what they consist and they're not much percipient
Doing a deep dive in my social anxiety, I found that I hate small talk because it symbolizes meeting new people. And I hate meeting new people out of fear of judgment. Then I further realized that it's not really the judgment of the other person that bothers me, my social anxiety comes from other people observing my one-on-one conversation with another person. People listening in, on my get to know the other person conversations, and their perceived judgment is what makes me the most uncomfortable. Anyone else hate that, or am I just a weirdo?
The thing about small talk which is rarely mentioned is how exhausting it is. Talking about subjects in an insightful, deep and meaningful way is really energising and so the opposite is true. And trying to adjust to meet unspoken social requirements, if done too often and without awareness, can lead to a diminishing sense of self and accompanying low self esteem (and worsening health) Call it "The Introverts Dilemma"
I agree on the exhaustion part but disagree with small talk. I'm in perpetual search of invigorating conversation but I don't hold other people responsible for it. Small talk is a weapon for me to be able to pry them open, basically. The key is to be in control of the conversation. Is it tiring? Yes, very. But for some people, it's worth it. If I think they're important enough for me to spend all my 'introverted energy' on, I will do so, so I can connect to them on a more inherent level. If you're in control of the way a person feels talking to you, it is not hard for you to escalate a conversation from weather conditions to cosmic consciousness. That being said, you have to respect them and understand if this is their first time openly conversing in an area that they are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with. If you can't complete that conversation and feel like you didn't quite get to know enough, I'd say the small talk has done its job well. All that being said, I need a lot of "reinvigoration" time and monitor how much emotional labor I have to expend on a person.
Stewardess: "Excuse me, sir? Would you like chicken or fish?" Man A: "Chicken please" Stewardess: "And you ma'am?" Woman B: "Same." Man A: "I see you like chicken as well." Woman B: "Yeah, since it represents the overpopulation of human in the current society and how we meekly go about our lives in a cycle of eating, working & sleeping; ignoring the fact of the ever-expanding universe, how we are all just dust floating around in the universe which we have seemingly no clue what it's about, and how we all accept death as is, like a chicken, also over-bred to keep a sustainable economy and working society for the later generation who will meet a similar fate like us today. Unless we are at some point famous or infamous for our actions, we, normal chicken, will be forgotten in at least 1000 years, like this post-vessel served in front of us. "Was this soul happy? Sad? Confused? Angry?" you might ask. Other chicken will most likely never know, just like us." Stewardess: "And what will be your drink?"
I realise you were exaggerating for comic effect, but if I were to suggest how Man A could respond to the existential angst of Woman B, I'd suggest he could say something along the lines of "Our experiences are the only things we ever truly get to call our own, and whilst they may not last forever, and may not always be pleasant, they have also found their expression in us that they would never have found otherwise, and it is our freedom whilst we live to shape both our current experiences, and through the echoes of our actions, the destinies of those that follow us. Oh, and I'll have a lemonade."
YES! For switching from boring smalltalk to a deeper conversation you have to be a little brave. But just for like 10 seconds. And mostly i made the experience, that the people really appreciate that small but powerful move. In the past, it often helped to show myself in a vulnerable way. It is amazing how unexpected deep and honest a conversation can become, when you show a person, that you are also hurting. That we all suffer in a way and that it is normal to struggle.
Small talk is not defined by topic of conversation but by shallowness of conversation. Talking of the weather, for example, tends to be considered small talk not because that topic is inherently so, but because of the way people tend to discuss it. As soon as conversation moves from the superficial to something more resonate, it is no longer small talk; even if the topic remains. Yes, conversations necessarily must begin with a form of small talk as a starting point. This is not the type of small talk people complain about. It is when a lengthy interaction remains trivial or superficial that it becomes tedious and frustrating. Some people are quite happy to talk about nothing for an extended period of time, and resistant to conversation moving out of that territory. This is the type of small talk those who try to avoid it are averse to. Yes, there's still much you can gauge about a person from superficial talk... that doesn't make it any less banal and boring.
Precisely. I don't know about everyone being hungry for meaningful conversation. I know plenty of people who do not move from small talk ever. Heck, my own mother up and leaves whenever the conversation takes a not-so-shallow turn.
The trick with moving past small talk with people who only have a limited set of things they're comfortable talking about is to talk about things that they know about in a way that captures their imagination. For example, if they like to talk about the weather, you could talk about the weather in other countries (or even the weather on other planets if you're feeling adventurous). So for example, if it's raining you could talk about monsoon seasons in other parts of the world. Not every conversation is going to capture their imagination but you have the chance to shake things up a bit by trying to do so.
chepookadook Hey, I know I’m 8 months late but I just had to ask: What is your definition of a meaningful conversation? Everyone says they want something “more meaningful” but I can’t seem to figure out what that means. Can you provide an example?
Analyse every word they say and branch of them into new topic or continue from there. Repeating the last thing they say also helps. "I went to the cinema last night" "The cinema?" "Yeah it was a great film" "Which film?" "Avengers" Avengers? Thats the film with the iron guy and big green dude right"...ect
Each time school of life uploads im spooked because they answer the thoughts I've been having that exact day. Like today i was just thinking of how much i hate small talk. Wow
i am one of those people that hate small talks, and my reasons for that aren’t in snobbery about the topics per se. my problem is, first of all, that i am a poor conversationalist and a completely unskilled speaker in general. secondly, i fail to see sincerity in 90% of small talks. when a person i hardly know asks me about my internal well-being, i fail to see any reasons of why would they care. therefore, i can’t get myself motivated to engage in such a conversation.
newt Me too. I always feel weird when people just randomly ask “how are you today?” But sometimes I cope by thinking they just want to start a conversation and be friendly, and that they don’t seem to know any other way to do it other than to begin with an enquiry about your well-being.
Whenever I try to move away from small talk and speak about deeper topics, the stranger seems uninterested in simply thinking. Most of my friends think a lot and are open to sharing opinions on such topics, but I've experienced that most other people respond quickly and open-endedly, often trying to move the subject to something more trivial. It ticks me off quite a bit.
The irony. Tried thinking about why that is? Evaluate the situation from their perspective, you empathetic rational man. Understand the context, understand small talk is nothing but our attempts to test the waters, to move from strangers to a mild but consequential level of intimacy. You'll have years to become more intimate, you're in no way better than them, you psychic, you philosopher king. Everyone thinks, you just don't know how to bring that side of theirs out, or they scoff at u and deem u unworthy of being intimate with.
@@claudius3980 Yeahh I was a haughty little 14 year old when I wrote that. Funny to re-read my comment and look at myself using all those big words. Although to be honest, now in college, most people are super excited to discuss niche or philosophical topics. I do remember that back then, my peers felt this social pressure to never talk about unpleasant things and would try to clear the air for fear of the conversation getting too complicated or too dark. I guess as we mature, we care less about blending in socially, and become more open to showing others our opinions and way of reasoning. We also stop judging others so harshly, because jesus christ middle schoolers are brutal... It's no wonder nobody wanted to be even a little bit vulnerable. And I'm sure this new insight will change again in 4 more years. What has been your experience?
@@sauge677 ah my apologies, I didn't realize the video was that old! If I had to guess, I'd say we both are in similar straits in life! Teenagers are fecking annoying, on so many levels and it's only in retrospect that we can reflect on our angsty phases and rise above them. I'm sure no one looks on their teenage past with fond remembrance, I sure don't! And yes, it's sure to change again in a few years (I hope it does!), it's only when we feel shame over our past selves do we realize how far we've come! Regarding smalltalk, I can only hope! I'm 17 and still in high school, so I can't speak for colleges but I've learned that people act superciliously and with a high degree of pretense in the presence of casual acquaintances (less intimate friends) and in groups in general. Though if you do pull them aside, and make an effort to understand them they have a lot more to offer than one can possibly imagine! They are their own person after all, and people are the most interesting things on the planet! I don't demand much, just honesty some sympathy, and some degree of introspection and reflection. Also vulnerability is a must. Though I admit, I still do struggle initiating conversation with strangers for fear of failing dreadfully, but I am working on that. How has your experience been?
Uncle Wally So, you like spicy food? Could I assume that you like to enjoy as much of life as possible? Might you have an underlying fear of death? (If so, same. Just trying to make the whole small talk thing work, tbh.)
@@sentienttapioca5409 I love all food and yes I am part Indian so grew up eating lots of spicy food. I love life, live it to the fullest. What's your favourite spicy food?
I absolutely *HATE* small talk and talking in general it's like I am falling asleep like my very soul is being sucked out while I have to listen to people going on and on and on and on and on and OOOOOOOOOOOON about useless garbage that I don't care about it.
Yeahhhhhh!!!!!! This should receice the medal. Who gives a fuck ab what people have to smally say????? Yet nowadays people call small talks friendship, but all they do is sizing each other up. I am glad that I exited the game of their minds. No fake friends = No bullshits. Thank God I look so good to be on my own hahah
So calming but i wish people can be that sincere. These days small talks often used to prejudge or measure of the person you're talking to is worth ur time/attention or sit next to or other things to support ur intentions being present in the event. True sincerity is abit hard to find.
I just discovered it's not small talk I hate, but a sort of a specific, disorganized talk, in that the person starts by telling a story just to lead herself astray by the small, insignificant details that have nothing to do with the main point she wants to make, for ever going on and on, never to get to the actual point of it. Gosh darnit, that grinds my gears...
The major problem for me with small talks, is actually because most people, the majority of them are shallow, superficial and ignorant, and because of this, there is an invisible barrier you can't trespass, because beyond this barrier there's nothing. The limits of any conversation is the person knowledge, if most of them have very few, to almost nothing, there isn't much to talk about, is simple as that...
I feel like some people tends to avoid deeper conversations and are only confident in talking about themselves in a positive way, omitting darker aspects of their lives.
Forme small talk looks like this: “Hey” “Hey” “How are you” “Good you?” “Yeah I’m good too” .... SILENCE .... And then I simply have no idea what to say next and that’s what I mostly hate 🤷🏻♀️
My pet peeve is that people tend to use "How are you?" as a replacement for "Hello". It's a personal question that requires a response, it is NOT a proper greeting.
Most people are just assholes these days, a lot of them. I mean they ask you questions and you know its not coming from their hearts, but from their fucking falling and insecured minds. I might be cynical, but nothing turns out without a reason. Idgaf
@@HungVo-ek7zd I don't think so. Most people just use "What do you do?" as a question because it's the default small talk question. And when you feel they are judging you, usually it's your projected judgement onto them because you feel ashamed about that part of you. Most people don't care if you're unemployed if you are doing something else with your time and you seem secure about it.
So true when I do small talks I just say that I failed 2 years in school but when if we go deeper you'll see that I was just searching myself during these years cuz something went wrong, and that the second year I chose (really) to fail an other year so I could do what I wanted and that was the best choice of my life. Anyway, you'll discover how happy I am and I could even give life advice from that, except if you just do small talk. Plus, if you don't talk about success for example, just because I failed 2 years (which is supposed to be the purpose of small talk right?), then this is too bad for you
I think small talk is a symptom of the disconnectedness of our society. It's a little odd that we need to go through the formalities of it just to get to the point where we can say "Yes, you are complicated, as am I". At which point it's time to go home and potentially never see that person again - or only see them when it's another small-talk oriented event. If our society was a little more integrated we would be able to walk up to strangers and grab them by the shoulders and look into their eyes and just say "I know", and then proceed to have a meaningful conversation or go on with your day genuinely convinced that the people around you aren't as superficial as it can sometime seem. There'd be no need for the endless tension that precedes social interactions. My anxiousness/frustration relating to small talk has made it so I'm even avoiding family events.
brod2man this is an interesting perspective, but i would argue, if you already know that people are complicated, you also know that we’re not the same. which means not the same approach works for everyone. Personally I use small talk as a filter. I’m not gonna tell a stranger about my life troubles. It takes a lot of time for people to earn my trust and for me to evaluate them, so that I know if I feel comfortable burdening them with it (bc I won’t bother someone with many problems of their own with mine) . While not only small talk is necessary for this evaluation, it’s the first test to find out if I can even get along with a person.
@@soelala I also find small-talk to be useful in terms of gauging the kind of person someone is, but I just wish we had another way of doing it. Imagine you walked up to someone and just asked "What did you think of the character in X movie - do you relate to them?". It's still non-personal, but there's a quicker route to a meaningful discussion. "How do you relate to the Nintendo 64?" That's what I would ask everyone. If they expressed any negativity towards gaming as a lifestyle, I'd shy away from them. If they said they appreciate games, but don't play them - I'd know I'd found someone DIFFERENT to me, but who I can get along with. "I like rainy days" is something I can relate to, but which encompasses way too many different kinds of people. It's just awkward and uninteresting - though it has it's utility as you've said
I want to express my gratitude to those who made this video. I always hated talking to people because the talk is either too shallow or it gives people the chance to judge me for what I say (or express). But thanks to this, I feel more relaxed to have small talks, hopefully I can dig deeper to people's heart.
This is how I feel about a therapist I went to - she would spend the first part of the session in small talk, and I always wondered why we didn't jump into the deep stuff, but I realized that small talk served a really important purpose, she was allowing me to feel comfortable and gauging what my mood might be that session.
I used to hate small talk in general but now I actually prefer it to actual meaningful conversation. Especially with "average" people or with people whom I don't trust enough to open my cards to. It's a good way of testing the waters and see if the other person can offer meaningful conversation. At the same time you can socialize without really saying much and without much effort. I actually hate small talk only with people I'm too close to and live with. Parents, roomates, spouses etc. I see them all the time so I don't like wasting my time small talking to them. I prefer being left alone if there is nothing important to discuss. I'm usually pretty dismissive in that case, especialy if I have something more intresting to do, although I will indulge occasionaly cause I don't want to make the other person feel neglected...
I think there should be a balance of both. too much small talk is draining but too much depth is draining too. it would be boring (and depressing) to talk about deep things ALL the time. yes, depth has value and helps you understand others better but small talk can give us a break from the heaviness of living sometimes. imagine having a long day where everything seems to be going wrong and then you get home just for someone to ask you what the meaning of life is... you don't want think about that, you want to take a break and laugh and feel at ease even if it's for a few moments. I think the best friendships/interactions are where you can talk about deep topics but also be able to have a lighthearted conversation with that person too. Also, if we're set against small talk we aren't being receptive to the other person. The conversation can't always be deep just because that's what you want, you have to consider the other person too. Conversation should be a give and take, they should be open to you too. what do you guys think?
Besides the point this video brings up, small talk is also used to figure out what kind of person you're talking to, i.e. if they're safe to be around and if one is comfortable in their company. It's not so much the content of the conversation itself, but rather the general vibe the person is giving off.
Yes but small talk gets boooring when that's all people want to talk about... They just don't get it that's why I'm a loner I'd rather open my own mind.
When you don't like small talk, don't do small talk. Invest in them and make sure you develop a deeper relatonship with the person you are talking to. I have never experienced someone not appreciating that. Everyone loves a good meaningfull talk. So try that!
We have just launched a new app where you can have big and small talk. It exists on Android, IOS and desktop: www.theschooloflife.com/london/community/
thx !! just that Tetris , 🐍 or solitaire is missing :) after finding out there is no one near me XD ... at least thats what the app says ... gotta fix the app :)
I love this. Using small talk to see how to get deeper. The person who is frightful of small talk could teach someone who is good at it how to obtain depth. The person good at small talk could help someone scared how to begin trust.
I needed to hear this, especially around the holidays. Thank you, I didn't realize how small minded I was being by avoiding small talk. I really do dread it but the mind should always be challenged. Cheers.
I used to hate small talk BUT I have found and learnt that small talk in time can lead to something deeper, not always but with patience and actively listening it does happen most of the time.
I used to have intense fear of silence with another person so I've learned how to talk to people. One thing I've learned is that people love talking about themselves, so in a way I interview the other person to learn more about them. You might find something you already know about or if not, let them teach you something new. Get good at asking good questions. Only works if you actually listen and put effort in though, its not really effective if you dont care. Its clear as day to people when your not interested in what their saying and the conversation will fall flat.
few years ago, i used to hate small talk. But then I learned something about phatic communication, that is a form of communication or expression with greater meaning, for example to acknowledge others existence. From that moment, I tried to appreciate every conversation with anyone. sorry for my bad english by the way. cheers.
I'm rather disappointed by this episode. The whole thing was "What to do if you hate small talk: stop hating it." Which is wildly useless to me. I understand that it's not meaningless, the problem is that I prefer listening and thinking before talking, and small talk requires almost perpetual talking from both sides with very minimal actual thought
This was a great video. There are so many skills to add to your conversation, especially when you are a deep thinker or have an introverted personality. It’s all about changing your perspective and gaining a better understanding of what things are all about.
What a beautiful lesson! Thank you so much! Last week I had to spend an entire night at the train station in Frankfurt, because I had a visa interview at the American embassy at 7.30 in the morning. So I got there with a night train and then, as I was just sitting there looking around to pass the time till the morning, this gentleman who thought I was French sat next to me and started to talk to me at 3 a.m.... When I said I was from Turkey he was very disappointed and he gave me a two hours long speech about the Neo Nazi party he is supporting and how sad it was that there were less and less blond people in Germany nowadays and that the Turks were everywhere... He wasn't one of the many drug addicts who sleep at the station, but he was an educated young man who had a well paid job. The funny thing is that he was saying all these horrible things but he had no intention to insult me. He kept saying how kind I was and even smart too, and therefore, I 'd better consider to vote for these people next time... He said he was 100 percent German and somehow thought that this must impress me very much. Well, I just kept listening and eventually he got bored of the subject and felt like talking about something else and then decided to open his heart to me and started to talk about this Mexican girlfriend he once had and how much he missed her now and how he still thought that she could have been the woman of his life!!! Isn't that terribly interesting? I have found it very touching and asked him many questions about that girl, ( who surely wasn't blond ), and he was happy to talk more on a subject that truly mattered.... I told him about TSOL and all the videos about love and he gave me his email address so that I could send him something. Well, spending a winter night at the train station in Frankfurt is a total misery but I came back with a beautiful memory. Because that conversation did end up being meaningful at the end. Indeed all the silly things we tell each other during the day are substitutes for what our deepest selves need to express. That's why we must honour that silly stuff, knowing that if we are patient enough and awake enough to find the clues among them,. they may lead us to what we long for the most: a feeling of connection. ( By the way that Schopenhauer quote really got to me! How very true... In 2011 there had been a referendum in Switzerland about the right to have a gun. And if I remember properly, it wasn't because the people were killing each other but they were killing themselves! Switzerland had the highest rate of gun suicides in Europe back then. One of the richest countries in the world. So basically, everybody is suffering.... Therefore it really is a good idea to be always kind and to listen properly, whoever is directly talking to us and whatever he is saying. )
@@BookishBetsy Dear Betsy, very sorry for my late reply! RU-vid notifications often don't work, so I just saw your message by chance as I came back to this video. Thank you so much for reading all this and for your beautiful message. You are absolutely right. People are very complex and it seems that it is possible to reconcile everything in one's mind. We have an incredible capacity for self delusion, which may well be the source of all evil. I remember having read somewhere that when they have asked Hannah Arendt how she could fall in love with a man like Heidegger even though she was Jewish, she was able to say that his case was just a "deformation professionelle" which lead to political errors....Himmmm. But I don't want to leave you with a depressing thought. I am always looking for some good news in these dark days in Europe and I loved this one: www.politico.eu/article/german-artists-build-holocaust-memorial-outside-far-right-politicians-house/ Nice to meet you Betsy! I send you lots of love and many greetings :- )
I have learned that it's better to ask a deep, philosophical question and then laugh about the absurdity of life than it is to study meteorology and have an in-depth conversation about the weather.
Most people are too stupid for philosophy. Part of the reason why the world is the way it is because of people being stupid. The averaged moron is primarily concerned about celebrities,sports,the latest iPhone, pornography, video games,and gibberish small talk. The Idiocracy of society has led me into deep introversion.
@@introvertreed6009 How do you gauge intelligence? Also, I only have an iPhone because MY MOTHER says it is essential for me to have so I can get a job, and so I can contact my family while they are away. In fact, there are many things "most people" do that I don't do. I don't watch TV or care about celebrities or sports. I do not see any intellectual or moral decay in society. However, I respect that you see that all is not well with the world. It is not because of people being stupid, though, it is because of the bourgeois tricking people into supporting them. If you want something good to read, check out _The Conquest of Bread_ by Peter Kropotkin.
It's more of a therapy, than anything. People want to be listened to and agreed with. Choosing a simple, relatable and agreeable topics for small talk makes it easier but it very much feels like a obligation. Inoffensive and safe topics are dull and boring and by choice avoid anything more meaningful.
YEAH cause you only have deep conversations that show the capabilitys of the human kind to the fullest and are an enlightment for everyone talking to you. Fuck you, nobody wants to talk to your stuck up ass on the party and they invited you out of pity for your depressed state of mind.
Someone seems doesn't belong here. Hmm maybe a 10 year old jake whoever fanboy as manifested by his words. I believed SOL explain somewhere on why certain people act so difficult, he must watch that.
@@therealOXOC seriously have u seen daylight recently u seem a bit on edge there pal ahahah. go for a jog get some fresh air and lay off the energy drinks for a bit
I always end up with people talking about themselves, and don't even ask anything about me, and people seems uncomfortable when I talk more about something from the small talk. In the end I just listen and hardly talk.
I use to hate small talks but now I actually really like them now. It really is a polite way to start a conversation upon first meeting them. I find people will often latch on to an element of the topic and guide it towards an actual conversation. I highly encourage people to enjoy small talks and see where they take you!!!
I WISH most people at parties wanted to talk about SOMETHING, it's the NO conversations I dread. It's like pulling elephant teeth getting some folks to open up and the reward at the end usually isn't worth the effort.
....And what about those of us who have no desire to "circle intimacy on high" with every person we meet? It takes far more than a few minutes of small talk to get me interested in another person's life.
This is a fine video examining the importance of understanding or empathizing with the necessity of small talk as a conduit for conversations. I simply wish it had gone deeper into the skills in which one can steer a conversation from small talk forward. Conversational skills are difficult, and the strategies that make the going easy (some examples already provided from the video) often are counterproductive towards steering the conversation. often I find myself mired in small talk or led down dead ends where conversations die, either with a polite "thank you" or a resigned "alright then" as I should probably have walked away far earlier. Often, striving to be empathetic with a failed conversation or trying to hold a conversation with someone who isn't simply ends up being exhausting. It's important to understand also that, a lot of small talk is destined to be forgotten
The small talk this video talk about is not the same small talk those people are doing. Those small talk are really pointles. The small talk diacussed in this video is an art; useful small talk that have meaning
I can read your mind not by asking you questions but by expressing my personal ideas to you, before you know it, you'd divulge your inner thoughts because you feel indebted to me after giving you the chance of reading my own mind.
@@QueenRhaenyra its a good bait, and if thenother person is unaware you make a good trade You cobsciously share something you were ready to share and the other person unaware gets pushed into revealing something in equal level severity of information You can even manipulate the person in opening up about something they didnt plan to
@@QueenRhaenyra haha well atleast we could meet as equals, thats partly the reason why you do these things, it is to find an equal player that is there, and not in a deep sleep of their own behavioural patterns of life
Sometimes when people attempt to engage me in small talk I just answer their questions and leave it at that and move on. Not necessarily to be difficult but because I'm uncomfortable with it and also I see it as them just wanting to learn some information so once they have it that's it.
I can honestly say that I have never had to make small talk with the people that I'm closest with in my life. The chemistry was just there and it was like I had known them my whole life and we could just be ourselves and say and do the weirdest things. So I although small talk is all well and good and has its place if I or someone else feels the need to do so with me I just know we don't click in that way I guess.
You'll always need small talks; it doesn't matter if it's with your closest or not. You need small talks to start getting to know people slowly (which is best).
@@FaIsALl115 yeah I admit that you do. I small talk with everyone but small talk with my closest friend feels different to small talk with someone who is my acquaintance. I guess with an acquaintance it feels forced and I haven't yet become close to anyone if there wasn't that initial spark. Thats my personal experience. The content of the conversation does not matter to me but the connection you feel with someone.
I admit im a small talk snob, but have taken this as sonething to think about. Was tin a conversation about buying winter coats the other day and was just thinking how dry the conversation was. But then after i thought how i could have asked sonething a bit deeper and be involved in the conversation as i just didnt have anything i felt like adding. As well as the fear the video mentioned of having to contribute sonething of the same topic and not being in control, its also the fear of being dishonest if i contribute to fit in rather than because im interested. I guess i could have mentioned -the feeling you get when you're nice and cosy in a coat - how bad i am with money so i cant afford an expensive one - how i want to stip looking so trampy so need advice on what kind of coat I dont know, but then is rhat me trying to control it. I guess the advice was to let go and trust it will go sonewhere deeper if it's meant to, but also to contribute how you feel appropriate. Look at the different layers of whats being said
I often in conversation find myself asking a lot of questions about the other person, but that's only because I'm often talking to people who aren't putting any effort into the conversation themselves so I've got to do all the heavy-lifting and provide all the social lubricant. Asking questions about the other person is a good place to start but I can never progress beyond that point if they're not willing to meet me in the middle and give me something back. Sometimes small talk isn't happening because it's the gateway to something more meaningful. Sometimes it's because a lot of people are just shit at conversations.
If (and that's a big IF) I go to a party, there's a very high chance I won't get very far with small talk. In my own personal experiences, my interests and knowledge have very little overlap with those of other peoples'. This along with struggling to relate to others to "trying to keep a convo going" is _very_ challenging. I don't loathe small talk; I just need to find more like-minded people, so the convos can flow more naturally, and I dont have to put up fake laughs, when in reality, the joke they just told wasn't funny to me. - Ziro out.
i love this animation! things to remember when u are scared of meeting new people/ hanging out with people who you're not close with: 1. no one is inherently better or worse than you. if someone is rude to you that is on them. 2. most people are insecure and awkward. often saying you feel a bit awkward can be a good ice breaker! and if you see someone who is alone or looks uncomfortable, they will almost definitely appreciate you going up to them and starting a polite conversation with them to save them from that same feeling of anxiety that you are probably feeling! 3. you can easily branch out of the 'boring' topics with a lot of people, if you just encourage them to expand on something interesting they've said. if you ask what degree they do, ask them why they chose it, whether it's something they're passionate about, to explain to you what it entails, to ask what their favourite part of it is. if you ask someone where they're from, ask them what it's like compared to here, whether they miss it, whether they lived there all their life, whether they know where they want to live in the future. you'll be amazed how much conversation can come out of these topics if you're talking to someone who is open to sharing stuff about themselves. (ofc some people are very closed and very difficult to pry open so do not be offended if that is the case.) 4. listen to them! they probably have some interesting ideas and thoughts that are different from yours, and you can learn something from that! 5. you can learn a lot just by talking to someone for a few minutes (but also don't be too judgemental). are they genuine or do they just want to seem like they are? do you have something in common that is unique or interesting? do you have a similar sense of humour? could you see yourself being friends with this person? you don't need to overthink it but you'll probably pick up on what sort of person someone is if you pay attention to what they say, how they act, their body language etc. some people are very different to what they seem on first sight, but i think most people you can get a reasonable judgement of whether or not they're 'cool' (by your definition) within a few minutes of chatting to them. 6. be genuine! don't pretend you're someone else. most people worth hanging out with are pretty genuine. they might be guarded or shy, but i think most people like this will feel more comfortable opening up if you show them you're being real and that they can be too :) 7. some people just aren't your kinda people. and sometimes you'll end up in a group of people where everyone you talk to isn't your cup of tea for whatever reason. maybe they care too much about being cool or they have no interests similar to yours,etc. this can feel like a failed outing, but it's not! you've mingled with some different people and those people happened to not be your kinda people, and that's ok. you tried your best in difficult circumstances and you didn't end up finding anyone you really got on with. no biggie, it's an achievement for you regardless! 8. cool people who you could click with exist! but if you never try or are too judgemental to talk to certain people then you'll never meet any new friends. try and be as openminded as possible, and if social interactions are generally intimidating or anxiety-inducing for you, then every conversation you've started or engaged with is a win!
I never make small talk. I don't really want to ask people questions. What if they don't want to be questioned? But I do answer other people though. lol
I always thought small talk was a waste of time. But after watching this, I realise that small talk allows us to be sensitive to the feelings and the interests of others which paves way towards deeper conversations which matter to both parties. Thank you!
Nice Exploration of Small Talk. Often my problem with small talk is that one or more dominating person steers the conversation to his/her pet subject and reduces others to being yes-man/woman. Doesn't happen with friends though, more with people you have just met.
I agree that the problem of the small talks is not the topic but what it comes after. I think I hate the small talks because I lost the faith of people, if I ask them about the weather, they will think I'm boring, but If I ask about their life or fear or ambition, they will rather me ask about the weather.
That's the thing, small talk isn't supposed to be interesting. It's supposed to be used as a way to bring up conversation and slowly go deeper and deeper into the topic. Everyone uses small talk. It's what is surely most comfortable and appropriate when talking to people you never met before. Small talk is meant to help people open up slowly on their vulnerability. It's kind of like sex; You don't just go into immediate intercourse, there's foreplay.
BlueSuperNova88 What disappoints me about truly boring people is that they give up too easily. Your problem is simply low self esteem, I always try to see the good thing I can gain from people and what they can achieve for themselves, but they are very elusive and avoidant. To stop being boring is to stop being so fearful and to take full control of yourself. I have interacted with people who aren’t necessarily well versed in philosophical topics but boring is the last word I would describe them, they are bold, they take the initiative, they know themselves and how to maneuver through the world around them, I can count in one hand the number of people I have met who are like that. These kind of characteristics aren’t exclusively for employment or dating sake, you need to have it in your life to truly be alive and feel alive.
In all my life I have never realised that this is the function of small talk. I've spent decades despairing of people wasting so much time on inane subjects and have made every effort to avoid it. But as soon as I watched this video I realised I'd been wrong all this time. I don't hate small talk, I hate talking to new people. Because I worry that whatever I say will not be interesting or funny or relevant enough. School of Life has opened my eyes to do many things, it's amazing. Thank you.
It's just this feeling when you're dealing with new people you have never met before where, whatever you do or say, you've got zero damn clue how they're gonna percieve it, and that's so scary
It is not the subject matter, but rather the uselessness or pointlessness of small talk. We’re the feeling of hatred grows when one does not care for the opinions or thoughts of meaningless people. Who for the most part, only engage in said small talk, to fulfill a social normality. If you wish to to know someone, observe them, their actions and behaviour will tell you more about them than any conversation.
Very nice illustrations in this video. I recognize the experience of always being trapped in a conversation I have to respond to. Whenever I choose a subject or take a small talk topic further, conversation stops or people simply walk off. I can small talk, however, but it's so painfully uninspiring and it is utterly ridiculous to spend time with a unknown person on those terms.
Getting close to someone and them wanting to keep the connection is a great feeling. Talk to understand not reply. Every conversation is a puzzle which builds a clearer picture of the person.
@Jack No. Talking in general. People just don't know shit. Uncertainty is king. Too bad many appear to assume many things. Talking truly is overrated. Try merely being. One can sense things. One doesn't need to put everything into words. But people feel the need to- and therefore miss many things, that go unnoticed to those people...
Whenever I find myself talking to someone new I am doing so by hitchhiking into an existing conversation by eavesdropping [in the same way I am typing a comment into this video]. It completely bypasses small-talk for a good chunk of time, however, this is sensitive to topics that I am familiar with and as such I never find myself talking to people that don't understand the topics I do.
I haven't watched the video yet but one way is just to approach it as you would radio music which is to say ironically. See it for what it is and honestly have fun playing the with game. There are many great openers and a wide variety of interesting topics. "So I heard you went to jail recently. How'd that happen?" "What are your thoughts on Russia?" You could mention your recent dietary changes of trying to include more carrots. Or if you want some fun just go with the old faithful "Hey don't say that about my president! Donald is wonderful!" Edit after pressing play. Great video. 🙏
David McReynolds No I've never listened to him but I never suggested there aren't good or great artists on occasion. Just that in general, radio stations attempt to please the masses and those involved with the playlist rights so as a result they naturally filter out everything which doesn't fit within that narrow range. I'm not a music snob whatsoever but almost all the music I enjoy will never make it to the radio and almost all the songs I've heard on the radio would never end up in my playlists. This doesn't matter too much though. It's subjective ✌️
@@onezerotwofour184 I agree that most radio music is crap, but my solution to that is to not listen to music on the radio. In this context that would mean not engaging in small-talk, which for the most part I don't. You've missed your chance with JP,, he's sadly no longer with us.
David McReynolds Yeah I'm naturally the same way. I'm usually very reserved but by chance I've had some absolutely pointless and amazing conversations with a buddy who I always thought was a little crazy. I eventually realized though that he has better communication skills than I do despite the fact he isn't the brightest. Half of what he says is pure comedy and even though there are many times where that approach is out of place, there are possibly more situations in life where it's not bad to try and share a laugh over nothing. Life is generally pretty weird. No one really seems to understand it or have the potential to and all we can really know is that our time will soon be up. So because of that perhaps it's best to not always take it all so seriously and try to find some moments of comedy rather than be left with the inherent tragedy of life. Again this is just my take.
I rarely dislike TSoL videos but this one is an exception. The problem of smalltalk is not the topic, as indeed anything can be interesting, but the superficiality of the people involved.
I also don’t like small talk, but i accepted it as an first step fore deeper conversations, and i try to go from small talk to deeper talk, and of course i get not always the feedback i want, but i think small talk its a part of the game, fore when we don’t know each other in first place. We all have so different expectations what is a good or bad Talk (like food taste). Try and when you don’t like it try the next.
I just don’t get how people can really enjoy it. What is supposed to be inherently exciting or entertaining about going into a public space, meeting some stranger, and hoping you jump on a random topic that you happen to have enough substantial thoughts on to simply drag on for no good reason?
