Some Practical Things You Can Do For Someone Grieving 

What annoyed me the most when my parents died is that some people said TOO MUCH! When a loved one dies, people need to LISTEN MORE and TALK LESS!!! The last thing I wanted to hear was some one "counseling me" or "advising me" about how I should view the death. STFU and LISTEN!!!

She will probably get to this, but I will put my two cents in now - for me, this second year is worse than the first. The first was full of shock and estate work, but now that things have calmed down, I miss my beloved more keenly as there are more quiet times.

You are so right. Everybody has forgotten about my little girl. I think they must think I don’t hurt anymore since it’s been over 30 years ago. It’s like she never existed

Just celebrated Mother's day without my mom who died in February 2024. Even though she was 101 y.o. she was an integral part of my life. What hurts is that when I tell people she was 101 y.o. they tell me "oh, it was her time and she lived a long life. It's not like she was taken suddenly like a younger person". Hey?! You miss the point. She was a person who served her country, bore me, fed me, clothed me, raised me, taught me, encouraged me throughout her life. I honor her. She was a remarkable woman who was just as important at 101 as a younger person. I miss her every day.

I lost my mom on Feb 17, 2024. The day before her birthday. I wish people would reach out and see how I am doing. Nothing. My mom was my best friend.

This is awesome advice! You're right...and I wish people recognized this..."grieving is a lifetime. It's a never-ending process." My parents and have been gone for years and I still get very emotional on their birthdays, holidays, etc.

It has been a month since my partner of 32 years died and what helps me most is talking about him. Not the bad memories of his death, the funny and happy things we shared. I don't want him to be forgotten because to me he was the most special person in the world. I have noticed people feel awkward and try to change the subject out of fear of upsetting me but it's ok for them to mention him to me, I want them to.

My husband just passed away a month ago and I agree, the practical every day tasks have been the hardest thing, along with the feeling of being alone....

My mom passed away on May 9th, just over a week ago. I play her last moments and the actual passing in my head many times over. Your videos helped me immensely especially in the days leading up to her passing. Thank you for having this content available, it serves a very important purpose. Someone told me that the grieving never stops, you just learn to live even though they're not here, which you just mentioned on this video. Again, thank you for the wisdom you share. My faith is helping me through it and I will need that strength during the service this Friday.

My father died when I was 9 years old from juvenile diabetes. Sadly none of this was practiced back in 1960, at least in my family or church. For some reason that my mother can’t remember it was determined that my younger brother and I were not allowed to go to his funeral. No one talked to me about my feelings of losing my father. No one talked to me in advance of losing my father because I since learned his death was expected. The whole experience has haunted me ever since. Thankfully, I know my father is in heaven and one day he will welcome me there. Don’t forget children need to grieve with understanding, too.

The same rules apply to those grieving how chronic..life threatening illnesses take away quality of life and self identity

My wife passed away almost a year ago, I could have used some more advice. Thank you for sharing this!

I’m already grieving and dad is still alive. I’m keeping a journal. I write about things I experience at the facility, people I meet experiences I have with other patients. I love when the nurses and aides tell me funny things dad did. I’m always at the facility. The other residents tell me how dad has been the day before naughty etc, they look after each other which is cute. I was so sad one the patients is going home to Peru. We have his number. I bought him a turtle necklace from Galveston and put it on him today. The bonding with other patients helps but also bittersweet.

I wish my husband or anyone around me would have asked do you need me to just listen. I cried for almost a year. Silently grieving my Mamma. It would have been nice is there something you want to tell me or what can i do for you

We are all in this life together. We need to have each other’s backs!❤️🙏

Grief is like a storm at sea. It starts all confused and turbulent and as time passed the waves slowly settle and become rolling swells. It never goes away completely. It doesn't get easy but we do learn to roll with it. Deno.

You hit the nail on the head. Someone reached out to me today, and [t made me feel good

My BFF lost her beloved husband and soulmate of 30 years. She says the very worst part is not being able to talk to him so I try to always be available to her when she wants/needs to share/talk without being intrusive. I wished we lived closer but I do try to be available from a distance for her. You gave great tips and this is such an important topic. Thanks Julie for relevant content as always ❣

My friends organized a meal train where they dropped off food for me and my dad after my mom passed recently. I found it extremely helpful. It was also nice to see people briefly and have a hug.

I tell them, you've got me for 1/2 hour or 1 hour, and I work hard to do every chore they name, oe rhat I see needs doing (with their permission). I love all of Nurse Julie's suggestions!

Dear Julie, thank you so much for this video. I lost my beloved husband 23 years ago and it feels like yesterday. I remember how uncomfortable people were around me when it happened. Yes, the practical things were the most appreciated. His best friend of 30 years drove 14 hours straight through just to get to me and help me with those practical things--making dinner and breakfast (I wasn't eating), cleaning out the garage (my husband was a pack rat in his garage), fixing broken things, looking through photos and telling me stories about my husband before I knew him. We laughed, we cried, we held each other's grief in our hugs. No one else did anything like that for me. The best they could think to do was send flowers. While many people like flowers and I'm not saying flowers are bad, but for me flowers die and they just reminded me of loss. They brought no comfort. My husband's best friend was the medicine I needed. Sharing our grief together was a blessing I will never forget. How he knew exactly what I needed so long ago still amazes me. He brought me stories and his grief. He wasn't afraid to touch me, physically and spiritually. I don't know what I would have done without him. We're still very connected to this day. Your video is so important and so helpful for people who don't know what to do. Thank you so much for what you do. ❤

My husband and I had a pastor who was also a police chaplain. He told us as a congregation more than once his practice as a police chaplain how he practiced the “3 H’s”: Hugs, Hang around, and Hush up. It has never failed me.

Great video. One additional perspective on the keeping track of the day they died - for me, in regards my mom who died from ALS, I’d personally prefer not to acknowledge the anniversary of that day, but that is something a person would only know if they had been willing to have the slightly uncomfortable earlier conversations about grief with me. This is just what works best for me in regards this one death of a family member.

Julie, you are an absolute gem. 💎 You always have the most thoughtful and helpful information that applies to everyone. I think we could expand on what can be done for people dealing with grief and what can I do for anyone in my life to make their day a little better or lighten the load a bit.

When my husband died from a horrible cancer, I wish people had just maybe brought me a meal or two…nothing fancy. Asking me to let them know if I needed anything was too much…I didn’t have the energy to make decisions. It was just my husband and I…no kids…so I am alone. Alone in the dark.

and wedding anniversaries especially!

Hi Julie. Thank you for this video. I am 3 1/2 months into grieving my best friend and partner and no one wants to hear me talk about him and I really need to. Not everyday but on the bad days. I had to do Valentine's Day alone only 14 days after his passing. That was hard. I wish someone had come and cooked for me or brought me a meal when I was going through the worst bits. I would have to use all my strength to do a load of underwear because I was down to my last pair and there was no energy to even think what to eat nevermind cook anything. For those out there grieving I can not recommend journaling enough especially if you are going through this alone. I write my love letters everyday. It helps process things. I also write down memories when they pop into my head. Things I had forgotten until something reminded me. I wish everyone who has lost someone they love peace. ❤

Good advice/comments Julie. One thing stood out for me in particular. It’s when you said you can tell a grieving person ‘I don’t know what to say’. When my soulmate died I wanted to die then too. Horrific pain. Then one friend came up to me and said ‘ I don’t know what to say’ then gave me a long hug. That straightforward honesty and that hug meant so much to me. Then, in the crowd she was just there near me. Silent empathy. No chatter, no platitudes. You’re right. Listen, say much less or nothing

For me personally, I HATE when people asked me "How old was she?" She was 92. What difference does that make? It doesn't make it hurt any less. I hate hearing "well she lived a good, long life" UGH!

My husband passed away in February and what helps me is people who will come into my home and do the little things around the house that I don't have the energy to do, I truly appreciate that. What irks me is someone who sees what needs to be done and ask "what do you need" it irks me because I don't know what I need, so the frustration lies in my inability at the moment to recognize what I need. If that makes any sense.

These things should be shouted from the rooftops!! Oh how I wish someone had been there for me. Almost 15 years now as a widow. It never goes away. I remember in those early days a neighbor said she was going to bring me over a home-cooked meal on Wednesday. It was such a relief and I was looking forward to it. She never showed. Another "friend" was going to take me out to dinner. That never happened either. Yes. Please. Do the practical things. And do what you say you're going to do. I lived off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for 6 months because I just couldn't make anything else.

I think bringing the person up is great advice. I lost somebody I love 8 months ago, and I wish more people would bring her up, so I don't feel like I'm burdening them when I bring her up.

Spot on! One of the best things anyone did for me after I lost my wife of 42 years came from my supervisor afterI returned to work. She called me into her office one day and simply asked "Tell me about your wife".

My mother died suddenly in 1972. I was just 25 and it was my first loss through death. Over the years, grandmother and my aunts would refer to "your mother." To this day I long to hear someone say her name.

That’s funny that you mentioned the “firsts.”. I always call it the, “the year of many firsts.”

I'm grieving now. I feel isolated. So many other friends have lost their family members at the same time. I've become secondary. Prayer and exercise are helping. This will pass.

Let them know that darkness can get darker. Especially if they live by themselves. Tell them they may need to open the door from within the darkness and reach out for help. Let them know it's okay to reach out and be with someone. There's no shame in sending out an SOS. To be alone in the dark will torture your sole.

I think the thing that I’ve found most helpful when being there for someone who is grieving is to recall good and funny memories. You’re not trying to be a comedian or avoidant. But a chuckle through tears is like a balm for the soul. I was grief stricken at the unexpected loss of my dad. It was a hell that lasted for years and still, 12 years later, strikes me down at the drop of a hat. So, I come at it from both sides. I’ve lost grandparents and uncles since then and had varying degrees of mourning. Everything that Julie said is true. But for me laughter at remembering and sharing joyful and hilarious moments helped the most. Hope this helps someone else.

Thanks, Julie. Good ideas. I have also been incredibly impressed with the bereavement services that are available in my area. I started looking at what was available through the hospice we used and then called my healthcare provider. They both had additional resources to share with me and made it clear that most programs don’t care who had what medical insurance, etc. I am receiving free one on one services through one organization and am in a free daughters grieving mothers group through a separate healthcare organization. And I am invited weekly to a free online group that sends amazing materials before each session. The availability of services for so many specialized demographics and types of losses has been amazing to see and share with family and friends processing their own losses. I did a short phone intake with each organization, and sometimes with the facilitator of a particular group, to see what would be a good fit at this stage and made my choices from there. I Know that I can go back to them if and when I think I might need different types of support.

I lost my Father 2months ago suddenly

Great ideas for everyone to follow!

My granddaughter, Lainey, was stillborn last June. It’s been very difficult for me in trying to console my daughter and dealing with my loss as well. I wish people would stop acting like we should just move on, since we didn’t have her alive with us outside the womb. My daughter is so strong, she was a nursing student at the time, and her rotation was in the same labor & delivery unit immediately after she went back to school. She did it! She is my hero… 💕

I always say “I’m holding space for you” or “I’m holding space for you in my heart and ready when you are”

My youngest granddaughter was born three years after my husband died, on the same day. Totally improved the day for me!

Be there for them as needed. I love the mark on calendar idea. A simple phone call, text, card or stop by and say "I'm here, how are you doing?" Plus a piece of chocolate. Let them cry, vent anger (don't take it personal), console them, leave them alone was needed, give a simple kind word. I'm sorry with a hug goes a long way. Don't be judgemental, push your religion or beliefs when it's not welcome. And CHOCOLATES. Even just a candy bar. Hey. Chocolates never hurts ;) For me a simple kind word of condolence, a hug, an "are you alright", a "I'm here for you" helped me through several hard times in my life. Plus a piece of chocolate.

Thank you so much ❤ My Father passed yesterday and your channel was such a comfort to me throughout his last days. Hospice is such a gift as are the people who serve.

I like to send a card to let them know I'm thinking of them on their first Mother's Day or Father's Day after a parent has died. I lost my parents both of them when I was young and I know how hard those holidays can be. Even 40 to 50 years later I still have trouble sometimes with those holidays

I look forward to reading your book, I preordered! My mom, who was my best friend, died last July so there have been a lot of firsts since, and they have all been challenging. Sometimes the days leading up to the important days are almost harder than the day itself, so one thing to consider is reaching out to someone who is grieving in anticipation of those days, as well as on the actual days ❤

Talking about my loved one and crying with people helped me the most.

Two yrs ago my grandmother passed away due to end stage type 2 diabetes complications. The thing that haunts me the most is that in future my mother would pass away I don't know how would I be able to coupe with her loss😭 since my father passed away in 2012,my grandmother 2 yrs ago so it's just myself and my mother that's it since I don't have any siblings, once I lose my mother I will become absolutely secluded with nobody to care for me or talk to me or provide support for my living

Thanks so much Julie for your channel. I just lost my mom after many months on home hospice. You were so helpful, there are no words to express how helpful and how much comfort I received from your factual explanation of what was going on. I thought of you when a friend sent me this quote from Thomas Jefferson, "On this day in May 11, 1819 Thomas Jefferson wrote about making peace with his slow descent toward death. "A decline of health, at the age of 76, was naturally to be expected," he wrote, "and as a warning of an event which cannot be distant and whose approach I contemplate with little concern. For indeed, in no circumstance has nature been kinder to us than in the soft gradations by which she prepares us to part willingly with that which we are not destined always to retain." Thank you Julie ❤

Thank you for this, it's really helpful. My Grandmother died last Sunday on Mother's Day (Australia) she almost made it to her 103rd birthday which is super amazing and in the last 11 years of her life my Mum helped care for her every day. They were super close, so it helps to have this information.

I just thank you for all the information you have given us. My God bless you.

My husband died January 21, 2024 and what I love most is when people talk about him, especially any funny or kind things he did. We were married almost 40 years (he died 3 weeks before our 40th anniversary) and were friends for 4 years before we married. I miss him so much.😔

Thank you! When my best friend died, nobody wanted to talk about it because we would always cry.

My husband is very sick. He has Parkinson's and dementia. We have been together 43 years.. I'm with him everyday. I am greaving now also --

Thanks

Beautifully explained. A call on the deceased''s birthday means the world. Thank you for all of your thoughtful suggestions..,they were spot on !

When my son died from a long illness my family was horrible. Had been a caretaker for 26 years and my family thought I could just bounce back. Back to what?????????? My dad even went so far to tell people that I was demon possessed!!!!!!!!!! My daughter said 'at least I get my Mom back'! No, Mom is forever changed. My husband said 'at least I'll get some attention'. What about attention to your wife!!!!!!!!!!!!! After just over 14 years I do what I love and thank God for my gardens and dogs. When helping the grieving soul, please don't go overboard with house work. My son's room was cleaned out during 3 days after his death. I didn't know what happened until a couple days later and his items were 'gone'. All I have is a hoodie and memories. Folks, just keep it simple. Hugs to everyone that is suffering -- you are not alone.

Julie, these suggestions are great!!❤ I would love someone to bring me dinner as cooking was the LAAASST thing I felt like doing when my parent passed away. Thank you!

TRUTH, lost husband 2 years ago, non of these people that said, if you need anything……..ever showed, even after being diagnosed with a heart condition

I have no one to talk to. I am in a marriage that I can get out of. I have no money, no family, no where to go. He har caused me so much pain that my grief is 1000 times worse. I don’t know what to do anymore. A therapist got me to realize that I have been so abused that my brain is shutting down. I can’t trust anyone

Lost my father in May of '22 and my mother in in June of '23. In November of '23 I saw my cardiologist, a young woman who lost her mother when she was young. She and I talked for a while because as she put it "Grief can cause heart issues." She is a wonderful cardiologist. One of the things she said to me was "I can tell you from experience, you'll never be the same. you just learn to adjust." She also told me special days will be the worst. Thanksgiving, Christmas, their birthdays, the anniversaries of their passing, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, etc. They'll all feel much different now. She was definitely right. I ended up having Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners in the cemetery with them. Mothers Day was really tough. Another thing she told me was "Your whole life has revolved around work, running, and caring for your parents for the last 20 or so years. Now that last part is gone. You NEED to find something to fill that hole. Otherwise, you'll have too much time to think, or overthink, things." Running has definitely helped me with it. in fact the night Mom died, after the undertaker left, it was about 1am and I didn't know what else to do so I went for a run! And as counter-intuitive as it may sound, being alone has helped me more than being with people. When I'm with people, all they want to do is talk about them and their memories of my parents. Being alone with my thoughts helps me. Fortunately for me, Mom and Dad are buried just 3 miles from my house. So oftentimes when I'm out for a run, I will plan my route so that I can stop by and say hi to them. I'd like to think that somehow they know they are not forgotten. For those of you who are grieving the loss of a loved one, you have my deepest sympathies. It's not easy. And to you Julie, thank you for what you do.

I lost my parents 8 days apart in January 2000. The hardest comment made was " How do you deal with this ". I just said "I don't have a choice". I know my friend meant well but this was hard to hear

thanks for this video. My dad just passed away 2 hours ago and even though he was 89 years old, it still is sad and weird and hurts.

You are an amazing soul

My cousin and I always send each other just a Facebook heart emoji on the date of the death or birth of each other's deceased parent. It makes me smile to know that she's thinking of me and my parent on those dates, and I hope that she feels the same when she receives a heart emoji from me.

Yes.. Truth. Good advice 👍

Good advice.

Such a great video…………❤❤❤❤❤

The first of everything are the hardest...

♥

Both my parents died 6 months ago within 4 weeks of each other. Its been hard to cope with the guilt and grief. I should have done more. They died of terminal illnesses in a short space of time. Getting up in the morning is hard. People think you can get over this easily but the pain is as strong as 6 months ago

I often ask the person, " How can I best help you feel supported right now."

I was barely 40 yrs old when my husband, and the father of our 4 and 1/2 yr old daughter suicided. I am now 65. Have never remarried. We were having problems, and I had filed for divorce . . . Don’t know if it would have happened or not, but the day he died, my daughter lost his whole side of the family. They blamed me. I blamed me. His parents tried to maintain contact with my daughter a couple of times, but we weren’t allowed to talk about him at all, and because of our adult idiocy, my daughter lost a father, and a family in one day. No one talked to me about his death, except at grief groups. My family tried to be supportive, but were also at a loss as to what to say. I grieved deeply, painfully, and not in a healthy way. I still grieve, but things do change shape, and it becomes less painful. The part I hated was comforting others, his friends, etc. “They were having a really hard time” Mark died on April 5, 1999, exactly 5 years after Kurt Cobain’s death. I played “In my Life” by the Beatles at his memorial, literally having no idea that is what was played at Kurt’s. It was always a favorite song of mine to honor my love for Mark. I sometimes wish my daughter could meet Francis Bean Cobain, and discuss growing up having lost a father to suicide, barely remembering him, but having to deal with the insanely grieving mother I was for so many years. So, so very sad thinking of this. I wish one person had ever asked how I was doing, instead of pretending it hadn’t happened, and saying I was young and beautiful, and would remarry. It hurt, and it still hurts, and I still miss my husband.

My mother has alzheimers. She'll be 93 in July. I've been grieving her loss for a long time. She doesn't know me anymore, but I know her. I miss her everyday. The spontaneous phone calls, her hugs and I love you. In her eyes i could do no wrong. This is a scary and cruel way to go. Maybe not for her but for me and my siblings, it's a nightmare.

The 1st thing to ask is "Do you feel like company?" "Can I do anything for you?" "Is there something you need or would like done?" Ask if they need time alone, taking their child responsibilities away might be the glue keeping them going. If you think that person isn't handling grieving or is too distraught, Do Not Leave Them Alone! And if someone has lost a former partner, Please be Sympathetic with them too. They're going to experience grieving too, regardless of whether they had a good or bad relationship. 😔

Back in 1967 my parents lost a baby who was 36 hours old when she died. I was 8 at the time, my brother 7. We have talked about her openly as a family ever since. Tough on my parents, but it has made her part of the family, even though she isn't there physically. Also, Mum died 2 days before Dad's 90th birthday. It's so hard at that time of the year. We are remembering Mum, but celebrating with Dad at the same time. He will be 98 in October, and I am dreading the day I will lose him.

I so wish this was my experience, but I think people either do not know what to do or say or they are simply too wrapped up in their own lives. It is easier on them to ignore it. They assume it’s been a certain amount of time, and I should “be over it.” How are you ever over someone who is so important in your life? And for me, it’s only been 4 months. If they are able to say that, I have to consider them lucky since they either never have gone through a death or they are able to “get over it” much better than I. Many people I know do not want to talk about death. I think they believe if they don’t speak of it, it will never happen to them. This is just one of the many reasons why Hospice Nurse Julie’s book will be beyond valuable.

My sister died on Saturday 11th of May and I feel its a struggle to do anything,maybe after the funeral it will be easier

My sweet mama was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer last week. We know time is limited and we’re still in disbelief.

My “bestie” has continually disappointed me since my husbands death. She has pretty much made me take the lead and her “I’m here if you want to talk” is more for her than me. I’m not going to do that since she has not made any time for me, she has done nothing to help and has pretty much avoided me as far as I’m concerned. My husband died in August 2023 and the longer I grieve the farther the friendship deteriorates. I think it’s her being uncomfortable honestly. I don’t have the mental capacity to truly put in the effort.

It helps to know that the grieving person is easily overwhelmed with choices.Rather than ask, "What do you want for breakfast?", ask "Do you want oatmeal or scrambled eggs?"

I remark just one sentence: Grief is a longlife process. Never ends !!!!!!!

I worked for a concrete company for 14 years. After my son passed at 30 years old not one person from my former job sent a card, called me, or came to see me. A year and a half now and that still hurts. If you don't know what to say just say "I heard what happened I'm sorry. Do you need anything ?"

MOST OF MY FAMILY HAVE PASSED IN NOVEMBER 2023 MY MOTHER PASSED AND IT WAS ME MY BROTHER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS A HUGE BLESSING WITH HELPING ME WITH MY MOTHER WELL TWO WEEKS AFTER MOM PASSED MY BROTHERS GIRLFRIEND DIDN'T FEEL GOOD SHE WENT TO THE DOCTOR AND FOUND OUT SHE HAS STAGE FOUR CANCER THUR OUT HER WHOLE BODY WHAT A HARD HIT I DON'T BOTHER MY BROTHER SINCE HES TAKING CARE OF HIS GIRLFRIEND BUT WHAT DO I DO WHILE I'M STRUGGLING WITH THE LOSS OF MY MOTHER I GET SSDI FOR DEPRESSION ALREADY AND YES I'M TIRED OF LIFE AND WANT OUT. PEACE AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL FROM SAGINAW MICHIGAN DONTOONS

I lost my mother rwo weeks ago. What would help me is to understand that what she went through is a normal passing. Even though hospice was present I felt that I was in such shock at the time that I did not ask the questions I am now wondering about. Julie can you please speak about the variation in breathing rhythms that can happen in the dying process?

Nurse Julie i have a question....i am the caretaker now hospice attendant for my brother. he has epilepsy and is mentally challanged. he's never had a typical life compared to others, but he always made the best of things. only noe i find out due to the meds he is taking for epilepsy have ruined his liver and kidneys to the point of respite. question is how do i tell him whats going on...he sees a nurse once a week and relizes he is stuck in bed. asking me to take him to a hospital so they can fix him. so i am at a loss...i have never lied and always told him the truth , so how do i do this? Thank you for all the info you give us, i just don't know where to turn. thanks for listening

Being told "it's God's plan" and to "move on" because that's what my person would have wanted. God doesn't plan to take people out, and don't assume to speak for my person.

Julie, you mention a book you wrote. What is the name of this book so I can buy it? Very appreciative..

Sadly, it is extremely rare that people do any of these things after the initial few days. It is worst if the one left behind happens to be a middle aged, single child adult orphan.

When I'm grieving I've realized ppl so often say the wrong thing. Don't tell me how to feel

Grief is a real. When my sister passed away I felt numb All I wanted was to get through the day The funeral home that did her funeral hosted how to get through the holidays. I do think about my sister every day. It has gone from sad to happy.

Ome people make things worse. To inquire about what I was going to do with my wife's clothes and jewelry just made thing worse. How insensitive could someone be. And than there are the she is better off or in a better place comments. Death is difficult but some people only add to the pain.

Jesus is King!