SouthernASMR Sounds - Discussing My Experience With Anorexia 

Also PSA: gentle reminder not to comment on someone’s weight regardless of intentions. Positive comments can still trigger people just as much as a negative comment. Peace and love.

Although I don’t know you personally, I feel that I see you so clearly. It is very evident that you are a sensitive, authentic, beautiful, down to earth human. The way you carry yourself, the things you do for the public, the simplicity of your content, your humor and positivity, and the things you talk about with such genuine care... Although I don’t know you, I know your heart and that’s truly something special that not many on social media are able to accomplish.

This was heart wrenching to watch. We all see such a tough, smart, funny, strong woman, giving herself to us every day. I’m sure this moment of transparency and trust, while extremely difficult for you, is going to help more people than you can imagine. Thank you, Mary. You mean a lot to us ❤️

Oh Mary my heart. So many of us deal with so much the average person would never know looking at us. You’re a very strong momma. Please know how brave you are, and remember you’re a AWESOME with SO many people who love you the way you are! You’re absolutely beautiful inside and out.

At the 13 minute mark that's when the emotions came bursting out of me. My dad would constantly compare my sister and i and he would say to me why can't you be skinny like your sister? You can't be fat because no one will marry you. I have been battling over eating and binge eating all my life and i know its because of how my father would treat me differently because i was the fat daughter. I don't think i can forgive him for that. The only time my dad ever said he was proud of me is when i had lost a huge amount of weight, 60 lbs in 4 months, and he never thought to ask me what was going on. I got into meth. And the way people treated me when i lost weight was a complete 180. It made me feel so worthless as a woman. Thank you for sharing your story mary. Love you.

Yknow Mary I’ve been watching you for years and years and years now, from the nastiest depths of my mental illness and into the early stages of my recovery… your strength, humor, knowledge, candor, and good spirit never fails to inspire me… thanks for making this video, thanks for being so open, just seeing you live your life now, seeing you BE YOU-after all the shit you’ve overcome in life-genuinely gives me hope for my own future, seriously!

This was a hard watch but I'm glad I did. My mom is very fatphobic and narcissistic and it pushed me to have an eating disorder and an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. I struggle with that voice too. Every day. Thank you for sharing your story. We've never met but you are a light in my everyday life. ❤❤❤

Thank you for sharing this. It is quite sad to know that your mother triggered your ED, and that she was oblivious to it. That is often the case for ED sufferers. I struggled with this illness myself and sometimes I feel like it never truly goes away, it just varies in intensity and manifestations. It is all about control. I hope you are in a super healthy place right now. 💖 You are stunning💖

I know how hard it can be for us “control freaks” to open up and be vulnerable. Thank you, Mary.

Mary, you’re a well of wisdom. I really take a lot away from listening to you open up about your life experiences. Thank you for being so vulnerable about this subject in particular. 💛

A lot of young women and men especially struggle with this nowadays so I thank you for sharing your experience! I myself am a woman in my early 20s and still deal with eating disorder struggles on and off.

Mary. You are so brave. I am so proud of you for sharing your story. It took me treatment, therapy and time to share my eating disorder story. It’s been healing for me. Thank you Mary.

I'm watching this right now dealing with an ED from the otherside of the spectrum. I have a binge eating disorder and was hospitalised this year for it. They are such awful things that destroy people's lives. Thank you so much for your bravery to talk about this publicly. There is so much shame and stigma attached to this illness. I'm trying my best but everyday is definitely still a struggle. Sending all the best xx

I’ve had an eating disorder and severe body issues for more than 20 years. I just turned 34. I cried through most of this video. I love and respect you so much, Mary.

I can not imagine your mother saying these things to you. I am so sorry. My sister passed away 7 years ago. Her death certificate said cause of death,"failure to thrive ". This disease took her. I am so happy that you are here.

I am 54 in 2 weeks and have battled anorexia and bulimia since the age of 14....it never goes away, it always lurks in the background waiting to control you again.Thankyou for being so open, so honest,so raw.❤️🙏

Listening your story makes me appreciate your cooking videos and aldi hauls completely new way. You’re very dear to us Mary!

I think we had the same mother. I remember her watching my best friend and I swim when she yelled out, “You better do some laps around the pool Lauren because your friend is thinner than you.” We were about ten years old. That was just one example. I’m 46 now and I know she meant well. She was just raised in a culture/era where you called out family members for perceived physical flaws. The concept of raising a self-confident child came years and years later.

Mary, thank you so much for your honesty, and I cried when you did!, hate seeing you upset, sending you love, healing wishes, big hugs from England, xxx

Oh my goodness- I have been watching you for YEARS and somehow missed this video. I am from South Carolina and you sound so much like my family. I now live in New York and you bring me such a sense of comfort. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, I truly wish nothing but the best for you and hope you continue to make videos forever and ever. I need them!

Thank you Mary. My anorexia story is very similar to yours. I’ve been “in recovery” for over 25 years (I was at my lowest of 94lbs in high school) and my perfectionist tendencies along with well-meaning yet critical comments from my my mom triggered my eating disorder. My mom had disordered eating and also had issues with anorexia as a teenager, although it wasn’t talked about at all back then. It’s an insidious disease. Food and controlling food/exercise takes over your entire existence, every thought you have. I also know the feeling of sadness and disappointment when you finally realize that you can’t do it anymore and have to release some of that control. Having a great therapist and nutritionist, both of whom specialized in eating disorders, saved me. Thank you for telling your story..I know it’s so hard but so important ❤️ Much love to you, Mary 🙏

I’m very new to eating disorder recovery and you don’t even know how much you and your advocacy like this help me everyday. Even just listening to your aldi hauls has helped me tackle the grocery shopping anxiety everyone in recovery knows. I walk into Aldi and think about your calming voice and everything’s okay! Mary, you are so motivating and stronger than you know!!! Thank you for everything.

This video is incredibly raw. Your vulnerability is beautiful. I really resonate with your story and have a very similar story. I found out (at 32yo) that I’m autistic and it explained SO much. My need for control & order, sensory sensitivities, chronic anxiety, and never quite feeling at ease. Neurodivergent females (ASD/ADHD) often struggle with eating disorders because it offers a sense of control and order in an otherwise chaotic environment. Not saying you’re autistic or ADHD but thought I would mention it in case it resonates. For me, simply knowing my brain is wired differently allowed my toxic inner dialogue to soften and become kinder. Anyways, thank you for sharing your story so openly. PS, I love your ASMR videos 🥰

Hi Mary! Thank you for being so brave and talking about this subject matter, eating disorders tend to be glamorized by the media and it’s so refreshing to hear someone speak the truth. I’m a teenager going through similar struggles and while I know I’m not the only one who has dealt with it hearing you talk about it makes me feel less alone. You truly are such beautiful human and I thank you again for being so open and honest.♥️

I’ve been struggling with my eating disorder for nearly ten years now - just writing that feels absolutely insane to me. It’s gotten better over time with therapy and medication, but it’s never fully gone away and I don’t think it ever will. I’ve accepted that there are always going to be ups and downs, good days and bad days, and that’s just the way it is. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sharing, Mary. Sometimes the ED world can feel so lonely and your story, as well as the stories of those sharing in the comments, have really helped to alleviate that tonight.

I’m only a few minutes into this video but I already know it’s gonna be a great but emotional discussion. I’m almost fully recovered from anorexia from when I was 12 and it wasn’t as glorious as it was in movies I saw. I’m almost 15 and I’m a lot healthier and happier now. Thank you Mary for speaking about this!💜

We Love you Mary!! Thanks for sharing. You crying broke my heart.

I have been bullied ever since my childhood about my weight and being called big boned or fat and different horrible names this has caused me to do a lot of comfort eating I did go through a stage where I starved my self and lost a lot of weight and was getting nose bleeds all the time and feeling faint and self harming when I was 14-15 now I’m 21 and I still get called fat and I have put on a lot of weight but I try not to listen so much. Thanks for your sharing your experience Mary x

as someone who is currently in recovery, this really helped. thank you again mary.

God bless you Mary. I've struggled with bulimia for several years and sadly my daughter seemed to have picked up on my eating disorder trait. She is 16, and 5'6 and got down to 88lbs at one point. Thank goodness she's now at a healthy weight, but we definitely keep close watch on her and have gotten her help. All of us ladies have it so hard. We are made to feel we are to look a certain way or be a certain way and in our mind, it rarely measures up. Much love to everyone who has ever struggled with this awful disorder!

This absolutely broke my heart. No one should ever have to feel the way you felt. I know we are strangers, but I have been watching your videos every day for about 4 years now. It breaks my heart to see someone I look up to and admire so much be so upset. You are the most selfless and loving person and you deserve the entire world. It hurts so much to know you had to go through this alone and that it still haunts you to this day. I am so, so proud of you for overcoming this Mary. I know how hard it is to battle mental illness. I look up to you so much as a person. This gave me so much hope that I can overcome my mental illnesses too. I know how hard it was for you to relive this, but thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I admire you so much as a person and I hope I can be more like you in my day-to-day life. Here’s to you, Mary. We are so proud of you. 🩷

Oh my God. I have misaphonia too! Doesn't it suck multiple times every day? Every one of your quirks and bendy, twitchy parts makes you so relatable and so wonderful. I wish I'd had you for a friend when I was a kid. You are exactly the kid I wanted to play with, sifting through shiny plastic jewelry and getting excited, playacting different characters, being fun and authentic and multilayered. And you share it! You've helped more people than you know.Thank you!

This was so raw and emotional. Thank you for talking about this Mary. I’m so glad you are here. You are loved and you are enough.

Mary, I hope that talking openly about your struggle with anorexia will help bring healing to you. You are such a beautiful person. The whole you. ❤️

I just discovered both of your channels this fall. I'm 23 and finally finishing my senior year of college after taking medical leave so that I could go to inpatient and residential treatment for my eating disorder (diagnosed anorexia but binge/purge type). I'm living alone at school because all of my friends graduated already, and finding your channel has made all the difference. I watch your videos while I eat my meals and snacks that are a part of the meal plan I received in treatment. I'm so proud of you for speaking out and posting this -- it truly takes a lot of strength and knowledge about yourself to be able to reflect and talk about how the disorder has stayed with you ❤ In treatment I met people from all over the world, not even just the U.S. and I was able to appreciate everyone's experiences with eating disorders and how they differ. I struggle every day too, with that little voice in the back of my mind. I know that treatment is not a possibility for everyone and I am extremely lucky that my insurance covered my stay in treatment. I think that even if it was outpatient treatment it would be extremely helpful for what you are going through, even if it isn't you might meet some amazing people who will change your life! thank you for everything you do, I really appreciate you sharing your experience with the world and shedding light on what this disorder can be like.

Right… so this might be weird and I genuinely don’t care, but I legit love this woman, even though I’ve never met or will ever meet her. It’s like she’s my own aunty Mary. The one I don’t often see in person but am in contact with regularly and adore deeply. I feel like she’s our Mary and has to be protected at all times, at all costs. Her role plays (especially Carl), her character, personality, feistiness, her honesty, rambling, storytelling, walkthroughs, humour etc. I just adore this amazing fellow human being. I feel like we are her little lambs and she’s is just guiding us through life haha. It broke my heart to see you so emotional Mary. I want to thank you for being so honest, opening up like this and sharing that with us. It really means a lot to me. Thank you so much for being here and being you! Stay awesome! 💕

When survivors make the brave and compassionate decision to share what they’ve been through, the world becomes an more empathetic and easier place for other survivors and those who are currently suffering. Thank you Mary! Your candor and kind spirit are blessings to us all! Sending wishes of joy and peace to you and your family 💜

Dear Mary, I have just watched this video and was moved to tears. I had to sit down immediately and thank you for that video. I have always avoided listening to anyone speak on this topic (which is why I am only watching it now a few weeks after you posted it). I only finally watched it because it was you. Leaving aside how illuminating it was for me, and all the food for thought (oh lord, no pun intended) it gave me... I just need to tell you how incredible it was that you shared that publicly when it was so obviously difficult. I'm too emotional to say much more right now - just Thank You, and you are amazing.

You’ve been with me through hospitalizations, breakdowns and the darkest parts. You help me so much I hope you know how much your asmr has helped me. You are amazing thank you

My heart breaks when i hear about parents shaming their kids, for any reason. Thanks for sharing Mary, it gives me a better understanding of how such disorders develop and be maintained. Maybe i can help someone with the knowledge!

I asked myself "what was that all about" re my parents as well Mary ....and have come to find out some of it was their own experiences as a child and the parenting they received. You have incredible insight and your thoughts and experiences around eating disorder should be made into a book. Thank you for sharing and the vulnerability that comes with it all. It takes a lot of strength to share this. Much respect to you.

Thank you so much for this raw, very difficult video. I wanted to reach through the screen and give you a hug, because i know.....aside from a few details, I had the exact same experience with anorexia as you, but bulemia added an extra dimension. I know that voice that talks to you, I know that secret pride you feel when you don't eat and how good that feels. When NOT eating is the ONLY thing that you feel you have control over it completely takes over. I had silent parents, who I know did the best they could, but the result of the arguments was not talking to each other for a month. When I couldn't fix or control the awful tension and silence .......A college dorm mate introduced me to laxatives and the spiral began. I also gradually started to heal , but I know that it never goes away. I have noticed your recent wait loss and your constant exercising, which is awesome dedication. Have you ever tried yoga? It is an awesome workout (especially hot yoga, which you would have no problem with) , but it also connects your body's well being to your mind's well being. Being on the mat is about caring for your body, but just as much about creating a healthy personal space inside yourself and loving and respecting that space ( and each other). I have gained so much respect for you Mary, especially after watching this video and allowing us to see your raw vulnerability. Thank you for that. You will be ok...You are a strong , kind , intelligent woman..You will be Ok..

I am SO sorry you were told those things as a child. You deserve your flowers for getting through what you’ve gone through

Your mother was abusive and I'm so sorry. You're stunning and super intelligent, you're helping more people than you know! 💗

When your boys are on their own you deserve to remarry Glenda the Good Witch. The two of you can grow together and enjoy doing what you love doing together. This is my wish for you. 💕

Thank you for sharing your story Mary. I have issues with other EDs- binge eating & bulimia. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma in my life, and my coping mechanism even since a young age has always been food. My personal favorite thing is when I or other fat people share our issues with EDs, we are invalidated and told “you can’t be bulimic because you’re fat. You should be skinny if that was true.” I am still struggling with self acceptance. I’ve always been a people pleaser and liked validation from others. I actively remind myself that I don’t need the validation of others to make what I experience or my traumas valid. Im 27, and I’ve been struggling with disordered thinking since I was 8. The EDs weren’t active until about 12.

One of the most damaging things you can say to a young girl is "you're pretty, but..." or "you'd be so pretty if..." I know making this video was hard for you, so thank you so much for being so open and honest. I relate to so much of it, so I feel like this was a support group meeting of sorts. Mary, we will likely never meet face to face, but I have more respect for you than most of the people I've known all my 32 years.

The voice that you describe hearing... There's a type of therapy called Internal Family Systems that argues that we all have multiple parts of ourselves that form to help us survive our lives. I want to shout about it from the rooftops because I've been doing it for OCD treatment for a year and it's the only thing that's helped. It helped me listen to the voice in my head and helped me realize that there is a way to get better. I know you didn't ask for advice here, and I wouldn't normally give it, but I think Internal Family Systems was first developed as a way to help people with eating disorders. It's helped me understand myself so so much. Love you so much Mary. Thanks for sharing.

Mary this video made me cry so much. I have BED which I struggle with daily. There are some times I just can't stop and it makes me sad which makes me eat more I am still seeing doctors and nutritionalist trying to get to control but it's hard when it is tied your emotions. You are amazing, Thank you for sharing and give me hope.

This really resonated with me on many levels. I have tendencies to control and to go to the extremes like you've explained and it's hard to grasp that there is no cure but only growth and learning. I hope to be as wise as you and learn to better balance my triggers. Peace and love you to Mary and thank you so much for sharing this vulnerable part of your life.

Just found this video. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this illness for so long. I've been struggling with a form of anorexia/bulimia since I was 11 years old -- I'm 28. Your experience echoes mine in a lot of ways, except my mom never bullied me, it was my father, and I can't ever forget his exact words. I never will because I was a child and he was an adult, one that was supposed to protect me from that kind of torment. I'm never going to get better, I know so, but I believe in people who have gottten better, I truly do. I hope the intrusive thoughts become less and less prominent in your life. I thank you for this video, your honesty and kindness. Take care.

I think hoarding families could very well develop at least one child with OCD tendencies. My best friend grew up in a hoarding house. Her dad and brothers are hoarders. You couldn't even go into her brothers' room - they had shit piled up to the ceiling! They literally had to move things out of the way every day and night, just to get through. My friend on the other hand was obsessed with cleanliness. Wouldn't go to the bathroom anywhere outside of her house. She would hold her bladder all day at school, poor thing, and she even carried a handkerchief because in her mind, it was more sanitary than the communal disposables. She always had to drink with a straw. We were never allowed to share food. When we ate together, we had to let her choose her food first, because she thought everything would be contaminated. Luckily, her mom told her to take advantage of counseling at her college and there is a stark improvement. She uses the bathroom at my house all the time, now! lol

Mary, your story struck a cord with me. Indeed, our self image and self esteem can be so derailed by our loved ones perception of us. I wish you could see our perception of you ...a beautiful, strong, intelligent, tenacious, compassionate woman who is beautiful inside and out. Please ignore the voice and know that you are beautiful and loved!!! HUGS!!

Thank you for sharing this Mary. I often feel stupid or immature for struggling with issues I’ve had since I was young, since I’m a mother in my 40’s. Hearing a woman around my age acknowledge that, not only do things not just dissipate because we’re grown, but that our kids help provide a big diversion from our problems, is so helpful and encouraging. When my daughter reached a certain age and I had to face the fact that she won’t be here to take care of forever, a lot of my own struggles started slapping me in the face again. You realize how strong you are for your kids but also worry about losing that strength without them, if they’re not there to focus on and distract you. I’m working on that myself now and I know it will be rough for you as well when the time comes. We don’t know you personally Mary but if there’s anything you’ve shown us in your videos, it’s that you’re a fighter. You’ve been tough enough to put yourself through college, leave bad situations, raise those boys, and support your household on your own, and I think you’re strong enough to stay the course when they leave the nest. I think you’re a bad ass… and you ARE beautiful.

I'm so glad that you did decide to speak aboit this. This video is so powerful and even though I dont have an eating disorder I still have heard and still hear that dangerous voice you were talking about. Your experience means so much to me. Thank you

BTW, this is something that brings me comfort from time to time: “May only the love in my past remain.” 🙏

Thank you for sharing this 🥰 as someone who was in active anorexia and bulimia in my pre teens/teens who was told i wouldn't make 21 the way i was going i truly love you even more then I already did for sharing this your so brave..Mine started with it being the only thing I could control a few fat comments..My counselor actually helped me tremendously her name was Teresa one day she looked at me and she said I can't fight this for you. You have to want to beat this. I stopped seeing her at 19 started getting healthier and then I got pregnant with my son when I was 20 had him when I was 21 I tell him all the time he's my angel. The things I went through we're awful I got down to a size 0. But I highly advise anybody going through this to seek help find somebody who works for you surround yourself with good people thank you again for sharing this🦋 true its always in your mind.. my bones paid for it tremendously when I was in labor with my son my hip knocked out due to bone density loss. My second child was diagnosed with Rett syndrome (nothing to do with the E.D) it's not diagnosed until they're about 12 to 18 months because it doesn't hit until then they lose the ability to walk Talk use their hands. So now I am a mother with a fully disabled child and horrible hip bones From my eating disorders ..I have to lift her and pick her up sometimes it'll go out and be so painful and there's not much that I can do but fight through it not everybody does have the same experiences but my bones definitely did pay for it im in my 30s and probably will needa hip replacement..I wanted to hug you through the phone sweet Mary I cried with you.🦋 your beautiful inside and out

Perhaps it will comfort you to know that your Asmr videos were one of very few sources of happiness for me during my long struggle with anorexia and depression (PS. Asmr has scientifically been proven to help with depression). I discovered your channel in 2016, when i was 15 and i was always inspiered by your self-assured ways and the fact that you genuinely show your personality, without trying to adapt to other's expectations. Plainly, your backbone. I still struggle with depression and would agree that anorexia never really goes away, hell, i had it acticely from age 12 to 20. But there are lighter moments in life and i want you to know that your videos provide me and others with such light. Much love and best wishes.

Im 14 and currently suffering with anorexia and I completely agree with anorexia and perfectionism being related, in my personal experience my anorexia derived from anxietys and it made me a complete control freak and perfectionist. Seeing you tear up broke my heart:(, idk you personally but I wish you all the best Mary, thank you for sharing🫂

Mary I am incredibly sorry about the tormenting you endured, even by people who weren't aware of the impact of their words. I hope you realise now that you are beautiful, and no doubt have always been beautiful. Your actions are beautiful and all the different videos I have seen you post; your personality just shines through and I wish I could give you a huge hug. Your videos are like a hug to me !

You can search every valley, every mountain, every pond, every ocean, every crack, every crevice on this earth, & not find anyone exactly like you. That’s how amazing you are, exactly how you are. There is nothing to change. You are perfect. You are worthy.

Me and my 7 year old absolutely love watching your asmr videos (whisper videos as she calls them) you bring us such peace and relaxation with your fantastic content and wicked humour...luckily she's too young to understand it but I'm not. So when I watched this (don't worry not with my daughter) it was so heart wrenching to see you this way. You are so brave and wonderful. Just have gotten through such an awful thing. I'm very fortunate to have not had experience of this so I cannot even begin to imagine how horrific of a time it must have been for you and anyone out there who feels this way also. I'm in awe of how you haven't sugar coated anything and how you are more than aware that the impulses for you are still there after all this time but are not willing to allow it to take hold again. You are a truly special type of person. I'm sure everyone will agree that you are beautiful inside and out and we are all very grateful for all the time and effort you put into your content to help us feel peace. ❤ thank you Mary for being you ❤

I started watching you at the beginning of the pandemic for anxiety relief. This is by far my favorite video you have ever made. I feel so much empathy and compassion for you. Your authenticity and vulnerability is refreshing. I’m sorry that you are experiencing this pain and admire your strength.

Mary, I am seriously so thankful for this video. During the lockdowns of 2020 I spiralled into anorexia. It almost killed me at 15 and it was the coldest, emptiest and loneliness time of my life and I am so scared to feel that way again. I am now well into recovery, yet I’ve never really encountered someone who shared such similar experiences to me. I would argue with my mum all the time about my eating and body image issues and don’t get me wrong she would try her best to understand, but never having an ED herself, she just didn’t really. This video made me feel incredibly safe and understood, you almost feel like a mother figure to me. I am so sorry you went through the hell of anorexia but you are an incredibly strong woman 💜

Getting choked up at what your parents said to you. That sounds like they were projecting insecurity onto you, and even if it is human, that is not right... Also had anorexia, although my parents did not say much about my weight, there were some weird comments in recovery from them that were supposed to be encouraging but that still stick with me negatively. I am only halfway through, but hearing someone talk about something that feels so isolating is so raw. Thank you.

I’m so sorry for what you went through growing up and as an adult. I agree that everything has to do with nature vs. nurture. I struggled with bulimia for several years when I was in college. Now I struggle with overeating due to bipolar/depression meds. I’m on Weight Watchers now and I’ve lost 26 pounds. I weigh myself once a week now instead of every day as I used to. You’ve helped a lot of people with your story tonight. 💜 I know it had to be painful to tell. You’re in my prayers. 🙏💜🙏

This video means so much to me. I have suffered from Bulimia the majority of my life since I was about 8 years old because of comments my family made. Now I have a 2 year old girl and I’m pregnant with my second girl and I pray to God that they never suffer from an eating disorder or poor body image. I will do everything I can to remind them that they are absolutely perfect 💞

Mary Your experience is an absolute mirror . Why do mothers say such things? I am looking after her now she is 93 and my ED has kicked in as she scans me with laser precision but I fight it as you say everyday. I am so glad I am the mother of 3 wonderful sons I could not bear to repeat the cycle and I am super careful with my granddaughters . I thank you so much Mary , I love both your channels and have been a silent subscriber for many years and your down to earth real humour and real take on life has got me through some really bad health issues. Sending everything good your way. Bless you. Maureen.

I love getting to know Everyday Mary. She’s beautiful, layered, imperfectly perfect, strong, funny and resilient. 🖤🖤🖤

hearing you talk about this is so sad but makes me feel understood. i have my own experience with having an eating disorder and it’s healing to listen to your thoughts and feelings ❤️ sending so much love to you, mary ❤️

It really breaks my heart to see you cry. You're a truly awesome person. I've been through that ED myself and I understand how it used to feel,how it feels now after all these years. I,too, would not wish that on anybody.

This is the best description of what it's like to have anorexia and the emphasis on control that I have ever heard. Your experience absolutely mirrors my own. Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. I struggle every day of my life too. But we are still here and we are still getting up every morning and fighting another day. Sending you strength and love. I feel just a little less alone now.

Thank you for sharing! You are helping so many people as well as yourself! Childhood trauma stays in the subconscious forever, things never go away.. we just learn to deal with it in our own way. ❤

Mary, you have no idea how much I needed this. I have clinically diagnosed OCD and have dealt with (and still deal with) a slew of eating disorders. Thank you for your vulnerability, I sobbed just reading the title of the video and I have been crying since. It’s almost a sense of relief- I feel so much less alone. My mother played a big role in the development of a bad relationship with my body as well.

Hey Mary, thank you for talking about your experiences. I struggle with an eating disorder called ARFID. I find it interesting you mention a correlation between OCD and eating disorders. I’ve displayed OCD tendencies my entire life and issues with my eating disorders presented at a very young age. My issue with food is that I fear it making me sick, so I tend to avoid eating at restaurants. The root of my issue is problems with control. Since I don’t have control of the kitchen environment and the people in it, I experience intense anxiety. There’s is undoubtedly a relationship between the two. Love from Canada.

Thank you for speaking on your experiences, I’ve suffered on and off with eating disorders for the past 10 years - I’m 22 now and it’s still a struggle sometimes, I can very much resonate with everything you spoke about in this video. I admire you and love your videos, you’re wonderful and it’s evident you have a good heart. Wishing you nothing but the best ❤️

I really really feel for you, because I've gone through and am still going through an ED. And you are right that the voice never goes away. The only thing you can do is change the way you think and respond. And I understand being scared to exercise because of the experiences that you've gone through. The voice sometimes pops up and says nasty things, and it's terrifying because the things that were done to look a certain way aren't worth it, but sometimes you desire that look.

This video found me in a really tough time. Thank you for being so transparent and communicative about your experience. The control aspect you talked about brought tears to my eyes. It really does feel like the only thing I can control about my life. I want to get better but I also don’t. But listening to your story inspired just a bit that I am enough as I am.

Cindy here. Thank you for sharing. That took a lot of courage. Especially since you haven’t really talked to anyone about this. It is so wonderful to see the support you have in your subscribers. You are loved and cared for by many people. I have an eating disorder, It’s binge eating disorder. When I was in treatment we had group and therapy sessions with patients that had anorexia. At first I thought this was crazy because we manifest our eating disorders in different ways. However I learned that we have many of the same issues - perfectionism, control issues, shame, self judgement, isolation and the list goes on. The reason I tell you this is I have some understanding of the struggle. Your experience is your own but I understand what it’s like to be controlled by the eating disorder (ED). You’re right it’s always there, every day . Its exhausting, and it sucks. However I have learned with support , self compassion, and connecting with others that have ED that I can live a more peaceful life that has less symptom use. I actually have some hope now. I am far from being fully recovered but at least I am better. I mentioned all this to you not to put the spotlight on me just to say that I understand to a certain extent. My prayer for you is that you might seek out support in terms of therapy or group support. Connecting with other people that understand has made a huge difference for me. I can see a lot of pain in you still and struggle not to use symptoms. In time therapy and support can make a difference. I hate to see you be alone with this. You have to make choices that are right for you so this is just a suggestion. Blessings to you. You are so special and deserve to have peace.

I’m humbled that you chose to share this with us. I’m sending love and compassion to you and anyone who is also experiencing these struggles.

i appreciate this a lot. i’ve had to go into treatment for how detrimental my restricting was for my health. thank you for bringing awareness. i’m 16 and ED are so glamorized among girls my age.

This reminds me of a time when my foster mom saved me. I walked out of the doctors room and I told her, “They said I was to fat. They said I need to eat less. They said I’m overweight.” She looked at me directly and said, “nonsense, who said that??! You don’t need to lose weight, you’re perfect just the way you are.” She comforted me so much about it. She didn’t judge me. This is why I try loving my body every day, because she said thoes words.

Mary, thank you so much for making this video. Within the first few minutes, as soon as you mentioned that it doesn't go away, I felt so understood. It does not matter how long I haven't been bone thin or have had scary thoughts; you can never escape that mindset. As soon as we went into lockdown in March 2020, being stuck inside triggered these controlling tendencies for me again and within 2 months I lost about 30 lbs. The scariest part of it is that by the time you realize it has crept back up on you, it is too late. Also, I broke down crying with you when you mentioned that you like things in order. As a child, I believe I had undiagnosed OCD that was never controlled and therefore manifested itself as anorexia in my mid-teens. I feel as if I almost HAVE to find an aspect of my life to control so that my eating disorder doesn't return. It truly is a never ending mental battle. I am so proud of you for talking about this with us, especially since you did not have much familial support growing up. My mother does not "believe in therapy"- whatever that is supposed to mean. Because of this, she always told me to just "get over it" and "eat something"; however, people like that will never understand how impossible it is to just "get better". I know you mentioned losing some weight recently, and I just wanted to return the favor and remind you as well to seek help and take care of yourself if you find that voice creeping back in. We appreciate your bravery and we support you always.

Mary, I have followed your ASMR channel for a very long time and have truly enjoyed your content. Your voice, your videos, your kind demeanor, your sweet personality has helped me so much in my adult life. I just discovered this channel today and I am so happy I did. I love this more casual vlog-style type of videos and seeing you as the real you, not just as an ASMRtist. I struggled for a very long time with anorexia and it was one of the worst experiences in my life. You put it exactly right: having an eating disorder is hell on earth. It's so difficult to talk about. This video really touched my heart, I can relate to so much of what you said. Sending so much love and peace and blessings to you.

Ugh. This broke my heart. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us and sharing a very personal story. You are truly an amazing woman and seeing you tell your story made you that much more of a bad ass. Sending love from Colorado ❤❤

I am so sorry to hear about your mother's words and even more sorry to hear that she won't acknowledge the impact they had. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for sharing your art! You are one of my favorite asmr creators

Mary you are one brave woman. It breaks my heart to see you cry like this… Thank you for sharing this with us and for helping people who need it. You are loved ♥️

When you said you cut yourself off from everyone, moved by yourself into a one bedroom, and didn’t have anyone around to see what you were doing- I just started bawling. That is my exact story, sophomore year college. And you’re right, it never goes away, but we are stronger than that voice. And we are worthy and loved. We love you Mary, thank you. ❤️

I’ve already watched this video multiple times. I’m a type A college student on a medication that lowers my appetite and it’s been so much body dysmorphia and disordered eating. The disappointment is devastating and consuming. This has brought me a renewed sense of hope. Keep being a light Mary!

I had a very similar experience growing up where my mom would always talk about my skinny friends and how beautiful they were. My mom still does it and now that I’m an adult I’ve brought it to her attention. Unfortunately she doesn’t see how damaging it was for me. I never really developed an eating disorder but I have a weird relationship with food. Binging has been a problem for sure. Thanks for sharing your experience so openly. Your vulnerability is refreshing 💕

Oh Mary I empathize with this so much. Growing up, my mother would constantly make negative comments about her own body and the bodies of others which I believe may have planted a seed. Then in 2016 I developed a thyroid condition and gained about 60 pounds over the course of 4-5 months which resulted in several people at my job coming up to me and whispering “have you noticed you put on weight?” Or “damn girl you gained weight since last I saw you!” These kind of comments, mixed with my mother’s voice, influenced me to begin purging my food all throughout the summer of 2017. After losing about 30lbs over the summer, my coworkers would say “wow you look so great!” Which, like you experienced, only further fueled my disorder. I haven’t purged since 2018 but I will never think about food in the same way again. Thank you for sharing your experience and making people like me feel less alone 💜

Dear Mary this was very brave of you I have an eating disorder too but I am on the obese end. I believe strongly that anorexia and obesity are on the same scale just different ends. Things you say I strongly relate to. My Mom would make me sit for ages at the dinner table long after my sisters had gone and I would be forced to finish my plate. Now did my parents know this was not good...no, they just worried I ate like a bird. But I believe this was the start of a lifelong hatred of my body and food I am sending you love Keep well

This breaks my heart. So proud of you for sharing something so difficult to discuss. We have young ladies, influencers to others their age, who adore you,... like GraceV (ASMR) who just returned from inpatient ED treatment. I know that knowing there are other women, STRONG women, who have had to deal with the same struggles, will help them greatly. 💞

Oh Mary. I wish I could hug you. You commented that you'd never really talked about this before, but I think that doing so was a very healthy thing. And, you spoke very eloquently. You're very right about it being about control. That's something that many people don't realize. Btw, I've never had an eating disorder, but I spent 12 years with a great psychotherapist - thanks, father with narcissistic personality disorder - and he referred to that "voice" as Damonae, the demon. It's that part of our self that makes us doubt ourselves and tries to sabotage us. I think you are so brave for opening up and sharing your story. I hope it helps you release some of the pain you've been carrying. 💜

I am so deeply sorry for how ignorant your mom and dad were and did not connect these pieces together saying you would develop anorexia anyway. Sending you big hugs, you are so beautiful Mary! I hope you know that!!!

As a plus size woman, I was told to lose weight by doctors my whole life... My bout with eating disorders has affected me to this day. I am just trying to find peace with food at this point. No more weighing for me! Also, this is such an amazing reminder to not comment on people's bodies or appearance in a negative way. It can stick with them forever. Thank you for being open about your struggles.... It truly never goes away, it's like a demon that's the only thing I can think to compare it to... All encompassing and evil! Ps I am very upset your parents would even think to talk to their daughter those ways. I'm so glad you are a good mama. Breaking cycles.

They say speaking your truth is the thing that sets you free. Thank you for sharing your experience. You are very down to earth and have this lovely light that you share and is apparent in all of your videos ✨

As someone who has gone through something similar, you spoke to the mental aspect of this so clearly. Thanks for sharing your experience ❤

Thank you so much for sharing your story Mary. Someone who I love so much struggled with anorexia their whole life. My aunt was like my second mom to me. She didn’t live a healthy life style by any means and as a child I could see that. Sometimes I would feel as if I was fat as a child because her clothes were too small for me even though I was 11 and she was in her 40s. She would always tell me that I was perfect the way I was and shouldn’t compare myself to her. She would say “Cal, never go on a diet! Because what word is in diet? Die.” That has stuck with me my whole life. She was aware of what she was doing to herself and knew it was bad. I have witnessed her pass out randomly a few times. Even to the extent of calling 911. She lived with us at one point and I would find her in the bathroom in the middle of the night and she would be in there for about an hour. She would take laxatives to help her lose weight. I was witnessing first hand someone struggling with anorexia and some of the things I witnessed are forever engraved in my head. Sadly she passed when I was 12, a little over 10 years ago due to this illness and other contributing factors. Mary thank you so much for sharing your experience. I feel like I have a better understanding of my aunts mind and it makes so much sense now. You are strong, loved, and very much appreciated. You are courageous for sharing your story. It’s not something that is easy to discuss. Thank you for all that you do for us. Much love♥️

My mom was my bully growing up. I was over weight and she would always pick at me about it. It made me eat more and I got even bigger. My junior year of high school I said bump it I don’t care I’m me and I’m going to start loving me. After that my mom backed off. I started working on myself and a few years later I made the decision to start losing weight. I lost about 75 pounds. Not going to lie I feel great I would like to lose more but I’m happy where I’m at. But I do find myself eating a lot when I feel insecure or don’t have anything to do. I appreciate your emotion and honesty in this video Mary ❤️