www.exboyfrien... - Take our free 2-minute quiz to figure out what kind of chance you have of winning your ex back. 1. Avoid 2. Feelings Bubble 3. Re-Suppression 4. Move On 5. Nostalgia
So to summarize. Stage 1: Avoid Stage 2: Avoid Stage 3: Avoid harder Stage 4: Slip back into regular avoidance Stage 5: Sometimes years later avoid less Sounds good.
So basically don’t bother getting into a relationship with an avoidant unless you want a toxic relationship that triggers and frustrates you all the time?
@@LaryAk47 Hmmm..... I think this is possible if you start your relationship seeking to move through your past traumas and move into secure attachment. see my long comment above
@@LaryAk47 Only works if the DA is willing to hear you out and not feel called out or triggered or shut down and withdraw. Its very hard (AP here with DA partner struggling)
@@SangheiliSpecOp they feel triggered all the time. You calmly bring up your needs and you're ignored. Then you finally blow up and they deactivate/break up. It's just sad. I'm 3 days away from 3 weeks no contact and it's just infuriating ruminating on the whole thing.
Horrible selfish shocking people if honest they can destroy a person thinking your going insane with the hot and cold ,run a mile if you see the red flags go.
My fiance broke up with me three months from the wedding. I know hes an avoidant now. I wanted him back so desperately in the beginning but then i realised that all he did was hurt me instead of working through things with me. I've always been loving and patient with him. I dont want to build a future with a man whod dump me at the drop of a hat. I deserve better. All of you deserve better. Move on.
Exactly what I realized as well. At first I was heart broken and begged for him to try and not leave. He ended up blocking me. After I was his emotional rock for our whole relationship. It’s a betrayal. I wouldn’t want him back if he wanted to, they’re cowards.
The best thing is to avoid avoidant people. They lack accountability. You shouldn't be chasing someone running from you. Sloppy seconds are disgusting Don't do it. let them go. You'd rather have an Anxious. preoccupied they are easier to manage and to make secure. They make the best overall lovers.
I'd much rather have an anxiously attached girlfriend than an avoidant. At least the anxious one will constantly talk to you. Better than the cold desert of silence and indifference I just had to endure. I'd rather have someone obsessed with me than not give a shit about me.
@wingy200 The bad part is not that the avoidant doesn't care. They do care, but they don't know how to show it and are terrified to try. The fact that they avoid makes them unable to receive help. That's why an avoidant is worse than an anxious. However, avoidant are more prone to becoming sociopaths An anxious is more prone to become narcissistic. Or something like that
Feels like we built a ship for a new life together… then once water starts flooding… she jumps out swims back to shore while she’s watching me struggle trying to save our ship. And she’s just watching.
Yeah did this to me 4 times but kept reassuring me it wouldn’t happen ever again every time when I felt her slipping away each time. Wrote it off as being busy and having a lot going on. Yeah…right.
Sorry to hear you went through that, that's what my partner did too. "I do love you" "I want to marry you and move away" then all of a sudden "I've fallen out of love with you" bear in mind every single day he was fine with me and kept reassuring me and conditioning me to think this is a serious relationship with an individual who's willing to try. All they did was lie to themselves and to me. Hurt so bad at first but now try to focus on you, work out, self care, learn how to process emotions. Self help videos are a goldmine nowadays on RU-vid too they have really helped me. Good luck in your future endeavours.
If you think they're an avoidant just don't mess with them. It's too much trouble to try to love someone like that when you're putting your own feelings on the back burner
@@zyerrastafford9266 They're plenty of people out there that are good partners from the start. Y'all delusionnal and selfish to ask others to wait for your potential.
@@sailorPinata I think most people, especially someone whos anxious and already clingy and attached like an AP type, would be willing to work with a DA partner if that partner was at least open to hearing about attachment theory and actively working towards communicating better and getting closer to a secure spot. But in my experience, so far, the ones in my life just seem to pull back and not try. To any DA people reading this, I know its hard and that you probably are trying in the way you know how, but if you are at least willing to watch these videos, read the self help books, get therapy, talk to your partner and compromise and meet them in the middle, it will work. The anxious person wants nothing more than for things to work, they have your back, just the smallest reassurances and signs that things are improving will keep us happy. Somethings though, we get nothing, and it really does feel like some DA people just give up completely.
Exactly. What is the point? If you can’t trust them to be fully and openly in the relationship why engage? They don’t bring that much to the table. They want to be alone, give them what they want.
People should be adult enough to tell the person upfront, “I am an avoidant!” Having someone fall in love with you when you know this behavior isn’t healthy and can lead to possibly damaging the other person, is just plain cruel!
My boyfriend wasn't self aware or curious enough to be introspective. If I told him I felt he didn't love me. His one word answer would be Wrong! and no followup questions or Convo. Stuff like that.
@@Oxfordstudios Yeah finding out that DA was a thing that exists inly a couple of months ago has blown my mind. Its something that the vast majority of people will stumble upon only if they are with another DA partner. And even that you have to get lucky to find it. Stuff like this is life changing and honestly should be taught in schools...
Easier to get educated on the topic and then be able to assess yourself what type of person you're facing. No one enters a relationship saying I'm damaged good and I lll text you exactly where how and why.
One simple conclusion 4 everybody.... when your ex is a DA... turn around work on yourself 4 yourself only and eventually find a person who fits like a glove...or at least is willing 2 open up emotionally .... DA's will never do this... the rather run from emotional "conflict" .... so when u break up....give them what they want....and what u need.... RUN and never look back
@@bibmitchell6542 I mean it makes sense. DAs give no shared and equal Love. 50/50 is how a healthy relationship works. DAs simply treat the relationship like its meaningless. They need a therapist badly.
@@bentuck7929 yeah i think they do "love" but to them love is just something you feel. Not something you act upon or do anything with lol I really feel like we're invisible to them half the time. that's where the 50/50 comes in
@@jamesgraves9858 That “love is something you feel” bit ended my relationship recently. He was looking for a specific feeling that he didn’t have with me, not looking at the bigger picture of attraction, cohesiveness, enjoying time together, etc. I could ask the question of whether he felt any of those things were true and he’d say yes, but the specific feeling was what he was missing. Soul crushing lol.
DA will enter into casual “ relationships” because they NEED intimacy as much as the Anxious but will seek their “ fix” for it in this without being vulnerable to feelings
I just wish to erase them from my mind. Nobody should meet an avoidant in their life, especially if they are anxious or a secure person who took efforts to change from anxious to secure. Avoidants don't deserve anything. Psychopaths!
Thank you for this! I did SO Much work on myself to change from anxious to secure. The people closest in my life have recognised this change and pointed it out to me. I met an avoidant and Omg. My world has been rocked. I have been set back so much. And everything I read online is like a stuffed it up because I ended up having a couple of “emotional outbursts” because I was so confused. He literally pursued me for 9 months. I tried to even pull away after he said he won’t commit at 5 months… he reeled me back jn, only to try and get me to agree to something even more casual. I felt so hurt and used. Like an object. So I ended up calling him out in an emotional rant. I wish I didn’t do that. I blocked him in the end. But I feel so much guilt, and I’ve gone back to this depressed anxious shell of a person I was before him. This rocked me far more than any other relationship I’ve had. Edit: I also don’t understand why everyone has to pander to them to “keep” them. How about they do the work and understand the pain they cause.
They avoid their feelings and push them down. Often they don't know how they feel because they are emotional phobics who deal in thinking and creature comforts like playing video games and binging on TV to avoid any feelings. I bet they would score high on alexithymia since they avoid feeling. Is that your feeling or mine. Often confusing who owns what feeling or worse if they project it on to you.
This. Kinda describes my current girl holy shit. I love vidya and TV and creature comforts too, but not to the degree I avoid life and other subjects and hobbies for them
Sooo true LOL. I have behaved as a DA and everything in this video rings true to me. I came back to an ex, by that time they had already met their now wife 😁 so glad I left them long enough to recover, I had come to some senses but was still not fully healed anyway.
1) avoidance 2) feeling Buble up 3) suppress feelings again 4) don't learn from past 5) eventually after x amount of time their anxiety about intimacy reduces because they are alone. Then feeling start to surface. Being to intimante pushes them away.
I’m going through something similar. I made a mistake with a friend & said something hurtful/rude causing her to block me. Only message I received from her was “I forgive you and wish you the best”. I took that as her saying “I’m done being friends, it’s unbearable”. I didn’t take it well & broke the no contact rule (45 days). It only made matters worse as she continued to avoid me. Much as I wanna believe with time & space she might be open to forgiving me, I’ve lost all faith & hope that she’ll ever come back. Despite her flaws, she was pretty great. I pretty much dug my own grave & need to lay in it forever 😢😢😢
I agree with never breaking the No Contact Rule, why it sets you back and can damage you. Most people on dating apps are not looking for a relationship but an amusing distraction to entertain themselves. DA's are workaholics. They seem to look for someone who looks like their ex because they didn't learn from the past. And by the time they come back, you don't want them anymore. 💯
Left my DA and he said: It looks like my presence is not wanted😂 then he said " well that's a first"😂basically it's all about them, never questionning their behaviour. He did come back around my bday and for the first time I got a" Your the one I love" card!!!! All the previous ones were unromantic. Then he left and I told him to stay where he is. So I dumped him twice and restrained him on messenger and not bothering anymore, I feel so much better I dodged a bullet and it took me almost 4 years to pluck up the courage to leave but happier feeling alone alone rather than alone with someone like him😊. I thought if I quit smoking 11 years ago I can quit a toxic relationship too.
Yeah, I spent 10 months with a DA. She didn't know what that was and probably still doesn't. I never knew what was going inside her head but when we were physically together, it was awesome. I thought so anyway... but you are always like a skipping rock... the rock that can't sink into the depths of a fruitful, beneficial, meaningful relationship. You're forever skipping across the top of the water never benefiting from being surrounded by a gentle pleasant bath of love. Just skipping across the top forever in a river of emotionless facts. What an eye opener that was. She never even told me it was over really, but I knew she could not love so I just let it go and continue working on myself. I do not wish to be in another relationship with an avoidant! So now, how can I avoid avoidants! LOL.
You just described my relationship to a tee. I want to be immersed in a bath of love, rather than the slight lap at my feet that I have to pretend is the real thing. What a fucking shit show. I really loved her and her kids. Fuck all this shit, man. I would rather have a woman be obsessed with me than deal with this again.
A narcissist personality traits. 1 Love bombing stage 2 devaluation stage time to look for new supplies meaning a replacement and 3rd time to dispose you. Narcissist don’t fall in love. They switch from a relationship to another. They have no heartbroken.
I’m a female DA. I have so many of these traits that show on the surface but I can tell you, underneath that cold exterior, I am often in chaos and heartbroken but I will NEVER let you know. I’ll work through it on my own or distract myself until the pain is bearable. Friends often don’t know how I’m feeling either. My deep inner world is only accessible to me.
Been married 27 years, yeah we had our ups and downs spats and arguments. Nothing ever got physical. Sometimes it got loud. I’ve been supporting her as she has barely work a year in the past 27 due to her medical problems. I’ve been there with her every step of the way and put her up in Jacksonville four hours away from where we have a home For the past six months. She’s gotten colder and colder over the past few months and recently decided to ghost me I think she’s a DA, because now she’s saying she needs more space! How much more space does a person need? I’ve been following the no contact rule And taking care of myself mentally spiritually physically I’m 70 years old worked hard the last 35 years as far as I’m concerned if she doesn’t come back too bad for her. Life goes on.
Sounds like narcissistic devalue idealization cycle to me. I’ve been through it so many times now he’s dumped me by text. It hurts but I won’t go back. He’s dumped me in the past blocked me for months then unblocked me with cry emojis and do you want me to come over or not. Never again a don’t want an adult child!
Which is why idiots all over confuse the two. DA don't need external validation narcs do. DA is attachment theory narc is personality trait which we ALL possess to some degree. DA is the LEAST likely attachment style a clinical narcissist NPD will develop. The cycle you describe is more akin to fearful avoidant not dismissive.
The main difference is intent. We want love we aren’t pretending. We really love people and mean everything we say. It’s a trauma response. We have a lot of shame and depression.
I don't come back... When I leave, I'm certain of my choice but my ex's have all returned... & I've never taken them back. My da ex has tried but he's too damaged & unless he heals, I can't.
Good on you. I'm sure its painful for both of you in the moment when they reach out but it shows your love and wisdom for both yourself and your ex when you will only take them back if they are willing to heal
@@Layla-hg4ux oh that’s a good question.. it seems to vary.. it’s been weeks, months & years.. I just know they’ll resurface when you least expect it..
I married a DA in 2013. At first we were able to connect and talk after the break up then all the sudden she just disappeared. I got really sick and she hasn't once even just called to ask how I'm doing. Soon after her best friend showed up at my door serving me divorce papers with no warning. I ran into her out at brunch recently with her friends. She didn't see me but her friends did. I sent over a drink with a happy birthday message and walked out. I still haven't heard from her for years now. It took a lot of work to figure out why she acts this way. I'm not a cold person and have a secure attachment so I had a difficult time trying to make sense of why she was treating me the way she did. My heart was crushed but finally making progress. The sad part is we had a blended family and it just completely fell apart. We would've made 10 years last week and still really don't have answers to what happened. Videos like this help me understand a bit more. Lesson learned...
In the same boat got married last December and has been ghosted for 2 months and he said he needed 3 months space is it worth continuing the relationship?
Super helpful. My ex is an FA he rebounded in 6 weeks. Still dating her but the snooping has begun recently. Makes me think he's either in stage 2/3 trying to suppress or....stage 5...nostalgia. I'm just getting on with my life, minding my business. I'm pretty sure this is just the beginning. I've got all the time in the world for now. But if I meet someone, he's out of luck. I haven't got time to wait on someone who didn't appreciate what they had the first time
My ex definitely this. The description is so precise!! Exactly what happened to me. I'm sure eventually he will come back , but hopefully i will be completely over him. U guys nailed !!
My perspective of it: I don’t like a certain period of time that you have in mind to not contact your ex. It really distracts you from the real reason you are initiating not reaching out, working on yourself and really be in a state that you processed the breakup and you are emotionally ready to get a negative response. For me, I’m almost 8 weeks since the last time we spoke. I’ve learned a lot but I feel that I’m not ready to hear that she doesnt won’t me (if thats the case). I’m also not ready to be indifferent around her because in my head she really is the one. So don’t rush into things, let your wounds heal. Time is your best friend. I know there is a lot of anxiety and stress but stay focused on yourself. Once you feel that you are ready to initiate contact, you’ll now. Be strong. If you guys are interested, I’ll update this post (Since that is something that I wanted to read during this period myself)
@@d.v.k.6592 Yes will do! I think if she texts me I’ll ask how she is and maybe plan something. The reason of the breakup was a bit complicated: she has some traumas from the past that came back and really lost herself during the last months. She told me that she has to deal with this alone.. So it was not an average breakup because when we are together everything is great.. Yeah, plenty of time for you 😀
@@d.v.k.6592 thank you and will do! Its something you hope but when its there, its a bit scary and you dont wont to f it up.. I’m trying to be very casual and be positive and funny
It's interesting that usually the younger audiences will strongly believe that NO CONTACT works in the matter of few weeks.., if that was the case the break up was just a temporary fix to some bottled anger, resentment, or disappointment. It was literally a fake break up. Partners were dissatisfied with one another and broke up to basically teach each other a lesson, but they came around quickly to realize that they actually wanna make it work. Some times it does, sometimes it turns vicious and toxic, and inevitably ends! As to a real break up, it could mean final!!! There will be many months, or even years, before an old flame reaches out and starts showing interest again and possibly get back into the relationship, but then both parties will have more settle, mature and enlightened look on the relationship and the time they wanna spend together! As we grow older, our feelings don't exactly stay the way they once were. We tend to become less anxious, more forgiving, more intellectual, more mature, and try to look for healthier resolutions rather than just break off contacts, burn bridges, hold resentment and move on on a vindictive note! Time is the ultimate teacher, some times its on our side, some times not. Always keep the hope, love doesn't necessarily mean to sleep with someone, love is to unconditionally feel and care for another person. Past lovers can reunite many years later as friends, and have even a better relationship than in the past, where they were actually physical with each other. Sounds sad, but it's the reality of life! Don't break NO CONTACT, respect their boundaries, if they return more power to you and if not.., you might not want them anymore at that point!!
This comment did give me hope so thanks. I’m having a really hard time moving on and healing once again from this person who I’m actually barely realizing he is this dismissive avoidant ..(but he tried so can’t be mad at him for that) and a big part of me wants us to rekindle things in the future but not unless we are both have finally matured and have changed some of our ways , especially him since I’m the one who was trying to love and be there for him and he just kept pushing me away kinda… I’m afraid it may never happen but I also don’t know as well… So I have to take this long healing journey, make myself better and I guess we’ll see what happens later. I’ve always prayed for him and I hope he heals cause he’s going through a tough time right now…. But I do have a feeling this no contact (once again) is the final one .. at least for a long time like possibly over a year .. who knows 🙁✝️
absolutely, the older we are the more willingly we are to forgive, reconcile and not burn bridges as a way to deal with hurt. But that requires time and wisdom.
I've been following this channel (and others) for years, as I'm still missing an old ex (she acted normally, then left suddenly one evening after a year and a half together, no fight, and we never spoke again), and this guy you're interviewing gives the most accurate and-- indirectly, hopeful assessment regarding the behavior and potential return of an avoidant ex. No surprise that he's a medical doctor.
I broke it off with my boyfriend after a year and a half in the same manner you describe. He wanted a companion and I wanted a long term relationship that would lead to marriage. He was stuck in his position and I mine. I left because i could not see a way through even though we talked. He also didn't make me feel safe in the relationship alluding you keeping in touch with his multiple women friends. I realized i had to let the relationship go. If you look back in your relationship I am sure she gave off signals. I wish you well moving forward.
@@annmalone8208 Actually, mine was.a little different. I wanted to marry her (not just a "companion" thing), and she even was asking me three weeks before she left what I thought of the sound of (her name) plus (my last name). Which I took as a hint that she was also thinking about marriage. But I think she had a girlfriend that didn't like me, who influenced her, and girlfriends (sometimes out of jealousy) can often sabotage other girls relationships; I"ve seen that happen alot. So she came over with an empty suitcase one Friday night, filled it up (she left tons of stuff behind), had me cook her some salmon she asked for, then called a cab, and never heard from her again.
Do dismissive avoidants know they are dismissive avoidants? Why on earth would they ever entertain or pursue relationships then blqme the other person for the state of the relationship. Do they ever really change or heal?
NEW SUB - thanks Guys! Just broke up w a DA Gemini man.. I recognised his attachment style, after pointing out some behaviour I wasn't happy with. Been NC for just over 2 wks & will NOT break it. Thanks for such an open, honest video..👍
Mine reached out after 32 days of NC. But only to tell me “thank you again for being so great. It was me all along if I’m honest. I saved you from me. You’ll find someone better”. I was like “ummm ok…” (in my head). That was 2.5 weeks ago. Radio silence again.
Yep mine said so many times that I deserve better. Really ticked me off bc after 5.5 years I was like why can't you be better bc they are the one you want. I just don't understand some of the things they do
I think I might be a dismissive avoidant. I still don't know what happened with the guy but when he said he needed me to be a solid friend (as opposed to kind of dating(? IDK), I tried for a few days then went no contact. It's been a few months and yes, you're spot on with the stages. I'm still processing, still wondering if I did the right thing, still miss him, but I don't know what else I could've done. You gave me great insight to my relationships (family, friends, and romantic) with this video and I appreciate that.
I've never felt so alone than when I got dumped by an avoidant. I was fine and happy without them in life. They just come in and project all their bullshit onto you, toss you into these abusive and manipulative hot and cold cycles, then breakup with you and blame you for everything and move on instantly. You're left an anxious mess, mindfucked. I was happy before they came into my life. They just caused drama, chaos, pain, and then left. It's pure insanity. These people can be as emotionally destructive as a narcissistic abuser. Anyone who has the ability to just "flip a light switch" on their commitment, feelings, and effort or empathy towards you is highly disturbed. These people need to get therapy before they get involved with someone else. They just poison everyone.
Who has the time to put up with this? Life is short. Dont waste on people who are aware of what they are doing? How wonderful it would be if they said who they are from day one?
She only breaks up or distance herself when her life becomes overwhelming. She told me I didn’t do anything wrong but ended up saying she doesn’t love me just to come back to say she does
@@topnotchpriest5280 we had a chat today but nothing positive. I initiated the conversation. Nothing to deep, a light conversation and in the end he told me he won’t be texting me no more until he fixes his things. We broke up March 24, then last week he texted me two days in a row, but very short conversations and I texted him today and he got distant again. This all very exhausting but i care for that man. I saw so many videos on YT. After watching them i feel good and know what to do but in the end my emotions always draw me back to him. How is your situation if you dont mind me asking Side note: we have a long distance relationship and been together for 6 months. Just to give you some background
I had a guy come back after three months who I only went on a few dates with, but was a classic dismissive avoidant who pushed me away and was afraid of commitment… so the nostalgia phase is definitely a thing. He asked me out straight away during this contact, no asking how I’ve been.
@@hulahoop2292 She started to withdraw around 4 years mark, accelerated a bit in last 6 months...I told her that it bothers me that she is so distant lately, she promised a change, never happened so I decided to leave.
In the future, do a a video about two DAs getting along together and becoming more secure. My relationship has thrived because we understand each other, we’ve developed trust, and we are both doing the work to heal from our attachment styles.
You guys rock! I loved this video. In my case I am anxious, and I have passionately done all the mistakes you warned about. 😂 I am now in a point after many on again-off again stages in about a year; that made him really go to the deepest place of the cave, asking me to stop contacting. And also made me decide I got enough. Hopefully this is the time, but after the last breakup, back in Sept, I just did not care anymore. He is a good person, only very complicated for me to understand his logic. Anywho,... I am now doing my things, and learning more and more from these videos. Thanks for all the great info.
My ex husband was a DA. Never again. Let me tell you. First of all your family and friends will dislike this person(listen to them). Sex is fire with them and that's the only reason they'll really stay. If you're not an intellectual person and you don't stimulate that need, they will seek out other people. Men or woman. If with a opposite gender, you're screwed cause they'll definitely get sexual. They have no remorse when confronted about cheating. After 15 years of being with this person I realized to be honest he never loved me. He said l was only good for sex. I can assure you, they have limited relationships with friends and family as the years go on. STAY AWAY for the love of everything. They will use you either physically or financially but if you're not a benefit to them, you're gone. Also don't feel sorry for them. Yes they're lonely people but remember you're not responsible for another person's mental health. If you seek deep connection. This ain't it
Yep they came back years later and in the end discarded me again. They only were with me when things were not going well in his life. Now he feels he can do better and moved on to someone else - maybe a younger version of me 😂 as this video implies avoidants date the same physical type 😂
Obviously I need therapy 😢 I've been on and off with an avoidant dismissive man. And I really thought I was a secure relationship person and I think he turned me into an anxious type but I will to say met him a few months before the pandemic and when I was already going through a different life changing event. We are in no contact right now and I want it to stay that way but it's hard. Thanks for the info.
My husband of 27 years is fearful avoidant. We knew nothing of this but have always struggled. The cycles have traumatized me (anxious attachment). He has now moved out and has a girlfriend but says he doesn’t love her. This is so hard but I’m learning from all that is out there, including your info so thank you
Congrats Tyler hope you get a great match congrats on the M.D. Avoid these d.a.'s they will not meet your needs but meet their own some become narcissists.
I just found out im an avoiding person. Its weird. Im 34 and was always in good relationships till my 30th age. Had always cheaters & liars around me. Shouldnt be a excuse. Not all people are like that. But that leads me into my shell where no one could come in. My intuition was always on point and i can blindly trust myself anytime. But well. It still sucks when you just cant let someone near by emotionally.
Once bitten twice shy, everytime I've tried to open up it's been used as ammunition against me later. Happier without the angst and drama of others. As you say we can always trust ourselves others... just leads to hurt.
@@Priya-mk4ok um not a good one. It’s been a month since we talked and 3ish weeks into not responding she comes by to pick up her earrings she left at my house on Valentine’s Day after I already reminded her they were there. She came and left. She was trying too hard not to look at me and she said “thank you I’ll see you later” again not conclusively saying let’s go our separate ways. Knowing she’s afraid of rejection just like me I thought that was her own little way of reaching out to me to get me to talk to her, kind of saying hey the door is open for communication. I reached out a week later. Which was at the 30 day mark of not talking… I said “Heyy how you been” and she didn’t respond… to this day I’m blocked on social media but not on my number… and me messaging her was yesterday. The end of the no contact period…. It hurt and I cried. I feel like she’s gone… and even though we already been through this. Her being emotionally unavailable due to her life being so overwhelming, this time I feel like she’s not coming back…
@@topnotchpriest5280 I am sorry to hear this. Keep working on yourself and try to do new things. Hopefully when you let go she will reach you. The more you think of her, the more you will resist her. It's hard for me too but I am working on myself too. I surrendered to the universe.
This sounds like an abusive relationship. I was in a relationship with an avoidant attachment partner and it's just toxic all the time. No real forward progress. Ending in disaster all the time
how long after deactivating and no contact does an ex become a phantom ex? i was pretty secure in my relationship with my da ex, even my therapist agrees that as partners, we did everything "by the book" for a healthy relationship. there really isnt anything i can do to "improve". he shut me down when i attempted to have a healthy conversation to allow him to leave the relationship, but then he turned extremely toxic by using the silent treatment against me (he is aware of how painful it is at he apologized to his baby mama for not talking to her for 6 months while she was pregnant). i refuse to be abused by anyone and have no intention of ever reaching out again. but i wonder if how he treated me is going to haunt his future relationships being that i am now the "phantom" or "one that got away"..... he thinks he can do better than me, but his demons are on the inside. it would be nice to see a video to DA's about how hurtful their behavior is even to the most secure partners instead of how other people need to tip toe around the da's unhealthy coping skills.
I'm only a third of a way through this video but have been reading some of the comments. I am blown away by the judgement of DAs. Don't get me wrong, I imagine it can be really painful to want to love someone but for whatever reason they cannot love you in the way you want them to...BUT! do you hurt souls ever ask yourself why you attracted/wanted someone like that in the first place? What's going on for you? Are you trying to rescue/change someone to what you need/want them to be? We attract what we put out? How did you attract a DA? There is a need for acceptance and less blame. Things are as they are. If it didn’t work, it wasn't meant to no? Analysis of why a relationship ended how it did, requires an open and honest look at both parties but oneself more so as that is the only element you control. Rant over, I shall continue to listen. Thank you so far 😊
I got the triple whammy - DA, Emotionally Unavailable & a Cancer to boot 🙌🏼🤯 Well my last failed NCR went south after 48 days, I was doing great until day 48! We were at a wake after party. I ignored him all night, it was the first time I’d been out n drinking since NYE the last time we saw each other. He came over to talk to me towards the end of the night & started accusing me of watching him all night.. 🙄 & I was well intoxicated by then but still trying to pretend he wasn’t there! He suggested we walk home together in front of everyone (no one knew we had a situationship going on) & I was in no state to walk let alone drive so he got me home - I didn’t speak to him the whole way. He walked me inside, put me to bed & tucked me in. Got me a glass of water he made me drink then another glass & left it on the bedside table then left. I had a vague recollection of how I got home but wasn’t certain so I text to ask him the next day because I couldn’t find my car keys, he said he didn’t know, yet my car was out the front of my house. It took a few days for my memory to come flooding back & I went into my car & found where I’d hidden my keys after he gave em to me on the night & I drove over unannounced (which he didn’t like - I was always supposed to let him know when I was coming over or only come if he invited me 🙄- something I liked to push on when he’d pull away or turn into Casper after 2 weeks I’d pop around unannounced to check in on him see if he was still alive) 😂 so I asked him how drunk he was if he couldn’t remember taking me home & he admitted that he knew he got me home etc, I asked why he lied about it & he paused for a few seconds & changed the subject… Does that mean he cares about me? - let me just say, he wouldn’t risk driving under the influence for anyone, even though we were only 200m from my place - he’s already been in trouble that way & usually rides his bike everywhere - we live in a small village.. I’ve only been really drunk like that with him 5 times in 2 years & thats when I see the man I first met & he only comes out the more intoxicated I am so sometimes I’ve pretended to be a little more tipsy than I really am to get a glimpse of the real him & feel a lil warm love from him as opposed to the iceberg I usually get. Avoidant’s are like a drug addiction to heroin, chasing that first high.. (BTW I’m not a heroin addict I’ve just been told that’s what they chase.) we saw each other a few times n hung out for a a couple of months then the first night we were together, he was so warm & loving with his arms wrapped around me & a week after I felt that warm high I was on turn cold & I immediately thought something was wrong & he’d closed himself off from me. The push pull, hot cold wishy washy to follow was entertaining. I’d tease him about being a Casper n stuff & he’d come back but 2 years on & it’s rather daring & exhausting now. He Caspered me for the last time the other day & I said you wanna go ghost? You’re dead to me! I don’t wanna look at you! See ya Casper! Ticking over to day 4 of NC round 2. I have 44 days till I beat the last one. This time will be harder because I actually told him I ended it, last time I walked away coz I was angry at him. Now I feel nothing atm.. I’m blocking him out.. Sorry for the Novel guys 🫣
So us damaged and wounded by them will sadly hang onto hope of them coming back one after they realise your good enough. So the rejected person is still 2nd best may take them back and go through the same cycle again.
Chris & Tyler, My DA fella of 5 1/2 yrs took a “break” last winter. It took 10 weeks to come back. And I did everything and I mean Everything wrong - in the no contact period. 7 weeks ago he said “I can’t do this anymore, I’m stringing you along, I never want to live together.” I’m heartbroken - I’ve been good this time in giving him time and space. Do they ever come back a second time?? I am praying he does. He’s the Love of my life!
Thanks for all your great content! It's always spot on. I have a request for a video. Can you explain avoidants who show all the signs of loving you and have said they love you and are attracted to you, but refuse to take you out of the friend zone? The FA in question has these extremely intimate and emotionally vulnerable moments with me without meaning to, but right after, he'll withdraw and go to another woman with whom he only has surface-level relations. It always hurts so much, because we connect so deeply and then he's gone. I've learned after experiencing almost a decade of this to give him space and go no contact, but it does get to me and I wonder if it will ever stop. And as ignorant as this may sound on my part, I think he keeps me in the friend zone because he loves me and values our deep connection and doesn't want his patterns to compromise it (almost like he would rather have me as a friend who's consistently in his life than have me as a partner who he may eventually break up with). Am I delusional for believing this? Would you have any tips for coming out of the friend zone in this situation? Or is it futile to hold space for this person?
Great video it explains lots about the reason for the D. A's disappearance and his immovable stubborness. What stage is he in if he randomly messages about his emotions, in respect to a loss of his friend, not about me or 'us'? Why is he calling on me in this way I'm confused!
Dismissive avoidants speak indirectly when reaching out obviously he misses you but doesn't want to tell YOU that because avoidants dont like to Express themselves especially not to the person they love and or hurt it's really crazy and doesn't make logical sense but that's how they communicate
As an avoidant dismissive its possible to have a healthy relationship. With love and patience but the avoidant needs to make the choice to be committed so they need to feel safe. And that sometimes means making thru a cold distant phase or 2 or a fit from the beginning. It is a hard one to heal from. It didnt happen over nighg it wont heal overnight ❤
I don't know exactly what kind of avoidant I am. Maybe a bit of both dismissive and fearful. I was with my recent ex for nearly 8 years. I can't explain my avoidance. It makes me absolutely sick. It's a mental/emotional prison. I wasn't that way prior to my ex wife, who was BPD and put me through hell until I finally got up the nerve to leave her. I used to fall head over heels for any girl that would give me a modicum of attention. So a few years after I left my ex wife, I met this girl who was absolutely _insane_ in her initial love bombing when we met. It was wonderful and what I'd craved for so long but I was also terrified of it. And it triggered major avoidance and dissmissiveness in me. It wasn't a choice. I simply found myself clamming up in reaction to her intense romantic openness. From there, the dynamic was pretty much set. It was anxious/avoidant to the Nth degree. Initially, I found myself shutting down after more intense arguments and basically ignoring/ghosting her for sometimes weeks. And eventually, I'd come around again. She'd usually be waiting. But over the years, she got more and more fed up, and instead of waiting around, she would reach a breaking point and when my silent phase went on too long, she would snap and start blocking me on social media and making it clear she was on the verge of leaving for good. This triggered in me an immediate sense of desperation, which I would respond to by throwing everything I had in me for her at her all at once. Dropping off letters and cute romantic gifts at her place, showing up at her place in person, etc. etc. This happened a number of times over 3 years or so and each time, somehow I got her back. But also, each time I got her back I really did fight to overcome these impulses in me and really open up to her. I eventually got to the point where I was really making efforts to show my feelings and express myself, especially with gifts on holidays and taking trips and things. But the avoidance is like this underlying energy that always lies under the surface no matter how hard I fight it. I constantly had to talk myself out of it, argue with myself, "I know you FEEL like you want to be alone but if she leaves you you'll be absolutely devastated so you HAVE to fight those feelings and express yourself!" It really is like a mental illness. But anyway, most recently, she broke up with me supposedly for the last, final time. And my avoidance really wasn't peaking or anything at the time. It was a lot of things in addition to that accumulated over time. But she specifically stated when she broke up with me that she just wanted it to be "done" and asked me not to do all that crazy stuff I used to do because it won't work. Well, I didn't and still haven't contacted her directly since the last break up call (5 weeks now) but I made some little social media mistakes (I accidentally liked an old post on tumblr and a picture of us on Instagram) which triggered her to block me. Then, she blocked me on Tik Tok but there doesn't seem to be much sense to that one. She hasn't blocked me on anything else, though I wouldn't know if she blocked my number and I'm not trying to find out anyway. So, oddly, I feel like the tables have turned and now she's playing the avoidant toward me. Which makes it feel weird to go no contact when *I* was always the avoidant to begin with! But I just feel intuitively that there's nothing left to do but let it be and work on myself. It's anybody's guess where she's at in her head and heart now but certain aspects of the relationship were absolutely wonderful even up to the last weekend we spent together. Also, I wanted to confirm the "nostalgia" phase. I'm deeply nostalgic and I also think for an avoidant, living in nostalgia after a breakup becomes a way of safely "expressing" your feelings for them without fear of rejection or further heartbreak/pain. You can just pine over pictures and old messages of them in the comfort and safety of your own space. Extremely sad but so is direct heartbreak 💔 😢 I think what it ultimately comes down to for me is that I'm actually a deeply romantic person that was badly damaged by my relationship with my ex wife which caused all of that to instinctively shut down automatically. It's not something that I chose and it's not something I can easily just choose to open up again. I was even surprised when I first experienced it. I thought, this is strange, usually this kind of thing would have me falling in love instantly but for some reason I feel almost nothing. Like, intellectually I see that there is something special here but I don't FEEL the way I'm used to feeling. And I wanted to feel it so bad though 😣 And more than anything, it caused me to destroy the best relationship I ever had with someone with whom I had better chemistry and companionship than I've ever had with anyone. The pain is absolutely unbearable but I have no choice but to remain focused on improving myself and hope against hope that there is a chance for reconciliation in some form or another down the line 🙏
You seem to understand your avoidant nature pretty well...why don't you go from there and work on that? You might even get her back or find someone you don't want to avoid. Good luck to you!
Thank you for this. I have recently been a recepient of a similar context (me being in your ex's position) and this really helps me understand things more. I guess it's a sad fact that both of you need the space to heal- you from your past and the current breakup and her from the trauma caused in your relationship with her. Recognizing it is the first stage and perhaps if you manage to fix yourself and you guys are single 15 years down the road, perhaps the stars will align then. God bless and we are all healing together ♡
@@Tambrose0405 Nope, nothing. She's been dating, hooking up, and moving on. I just need to learn to be happy being alone and accept that some people are just able to attract attention, affection, and sex with relative ease. And I'm just not one of those people. Never have been. It's obviously very easy for her to get that stuff. She'll never want for anything like that. Pretty lucky. I wonder what that's like to be so free.
You sound like a Fearful Avoidant, not dismissive. It seems like she is that, as well, but in the beginning you leaned dismissive, while she leaned anxious and then you polarized each other in the opposite direction.
This bid was a gift y’all broke down my whole break up and I appreciate the insight we have a baby on the way he has moved on I give birth in 2 months he left me so now I understand him more I will fall back will be hard with a child on the way but he isn’t nice very disrespectful and cold to me
If you break the no contact rule, and the “dismissive” person doesn’t respond, that’s on you. You deal with the consequences of breaking a no contact. Where is your own self accountability here? He/she doesn’t want to talk to you go away.
PNG 😊.. I visited your beautiful country when I was young. So amazing. I hope your journey with your dismissive avoidant has gone OK. It took four months for mine to reach out and they were right. I was not wanting to go back after that. Love from Texas ❤
I have Avoidant Personality Disorder but anxious attachment style. I think 🤔 I'm probably being avoidant by running people away so I can blame them for the relationship not working.
I thought mine was a Narcissist but I'm pretty sure now he's an avoidant of some nature. He comes in strong & then immediately after any intimacy he distances himself which caused my anxious style to go bonkers! This was 3rd time around with him & I just told him I didn't think I was the one for him & some other nice things. We have a history & I truly love him but idk if it's enough to keep torturing myself everytime we get close & he pulls away.
Id say all avoidant leaning attachers are narcissistic personally ... just not all have NPD. BUT THEY ALL ARE SELFISH TO A FAULT!!! I had s coworker situationship with a girl I swear doesnt have NPD but i really would have never knew she was narcissistic until i saw how she handled the one time she was emotionally triggered by me. Before being triggered, she was super touchy with me and every kind gesture she was super enamored, she couldnt leave my job without saying bye to me 3 or 4 times and rehugging me or blowing me kisses. But the moment i triggered her fear (it was valid tbh ... after she added me on instagram i displayed obsessive tendencies which she thought was me having a sexual obsession to her. Even though that wasnt the case i just wished she communicated that me viewing her story and repeating it more than 10 times made her uncomfortable ... i just did that because i was trying to translate the spanish song she was singing because i thought her singing was cute 😂) But she to this day, doesnt take me me in to account before sabotaging some part of the relationship we had or acting really insensitive. Like if i try to communicate how certain things she does makes me feel its 'i hate drama' or some craziness
In speaking to several therapist friends and going to my own relationship therapist after experiencing quite the interesting breakup with a man-child (aka low emotional intelligence with no vulnerability) with undiagnosed autism (so many signs, many others saw them as well), I understood and felt pity for his traumas, they all made sense. It was just too little, too late. Relationships with DAs cannot work unless they move through their traumas - and they never do. I even started my relationship with my ex with therapy sessions while it was a healthy relationship, at $140 a pop, just for the fun of it... and in the end it didn't work: After we both got covid in July I went through some interesting verbal, emotional and psychological abuse, implosions, explosions, meltdowns, anger, rage, hostility. I'm curious to see more results from studies showing neurodivergent individuals and exacerbated symptoms from inflammation of the brain related to acquiring any virus... not just covid. He was a high IQ individual, not sure if high EQ however, but he was searching... at 40 came out as bi (bisexuality is 3-4x more common in adults with autism), we met, it was great at first... really, really great... I was very, very happy. We communicated a lot, and about everything, even made it through challenges like his staffordshire/pitbull mix attacking my yorkies... if we could make it through those incidents (there were a lot of them) with no yelling or fighting, only a willingness to work it out and about $10K in training, vet bills and other expenses, we could make it through anything. It was when covid hit that he couldn't recognize my facial expressions and misread them, misread my friends' as well... one time I brought him a great meal while he was working upstairs - he said it literally looked like I wanted to kill him (he doesn't use literally figuratively), then one time his dog pooped on the floor, I've always cleaned it up but asked him this one time... he imploded, had to leave the house for 10 hours due to his anger/rage, came back, then the next day left for 9 days... 9! Then another act of service/gift was misunderstood, caused a meltdown, he was yelling, blame-shifting, and I told him to leave.... as in go get some space, come back when you can talk like an adult with loving compassion and seeking to understand... instead he started moving out. I tried to reconcile, tried to do it all... but man, I'm glad he didn't come back. He ended up getting even angrier and more hostile, threatened violence against me when I tried to enlighten him to what ASD is, to what DA is - in writing - and I took that to the local court and had a two-year order of protection issued. In the end, many of you will agree to this: all it takes to save a relationship is that both people should want to meet, be intimate, roll up their sleeves and not have a bias toward negativity but instead a 'can-do' attitude of 'all this takes is communication and some work - and it's much easier than the alternative of moving out and cycling through other partners until we get the encouragement, support and partnership that we both need... to learn our needs, etc. It's so easy to stay together... it just takes emotionally intelligent adult with a bias toward positivity! Easier said than done, for sure... so ditch the DA... for every moment spent with them is a moment you could be spending enjoying your solitude, cultivating your existing friendships, and one day finding someone.... better to be in solitude and loving yourself than just stringing yourself along until you end up going through what a DA puts you through... trust me. Add neurodivergent to this (I'm ADD, wasn't diagnosed until 47, am 51 now - but am mostly securely attached depending on the partner - was anxious with this last relationship), add narcissistic traits to this, add ASD, OCD, or BPD, or bipolar, or anything to this and you best be prepared for some work... and it's only possible if there's self-awareness, which can bring freedom. I got the order of protection for a few reasons: one: my therapist (we actually started with therapy, it was one of our first dates, a personal trainer for relationship fitness!), said after the breakup that she knew it was going to be hard, and take months if not years. This therapist as well as my therapist friends have said a relationship with a dismissive avoidant has never worked... not once in about 140 combined years of therapy between all of them. So... if someone is absolutely open to working through their traumas, can work through them, and can be secure - great! two - because my partner was not good for me... they were not vulnerable, they didn't meet my needs, they weren't on my level, and my goal in a relationship is to have a mutual exchange of energy with my partner, not be the caretaker to an invulnerable, mercurial, brooding man-child. three - I don't tolerate anyone yelling at me, I don't tolerate emotional/psychological/verbal abuse, period. I don't tolerate threats of violence. He had a history of this... he went to burn his ex-girlfriend's car 'to the ground', and had the tools to do it with him, but settled on 'only' slashing her tires. That's not healthy, period. I'm an incredibly peaceful person, I've been going to workshops at the Esalen Institute for almost 20 years... mostly dealing with Positive Neuroplasticity Therapy. I wasn't always this way... I was an angry dude when I was much younger, but I moved out of it. four - I'm the type who will always work things out and communicate - I'm friends with all of my exes, all of them... to this day. This is one I just cannot have around in my life, I'd probably take him back if he showed he worked on himself... I really did love the guy... many commonalities, many enjoyed experiences... but in the end the order of protection is exactly what's needed for us to stay away from each other, I need to move on... a waiting period of months or a year or two is not acceptable to me, I'm not putting my life on pause. I'm just going to enjoy my solitude and focus on myself. Zero rush to date, zero... while he's already been out on many dates and bragged about it to hurt me. Those who rush out to date are usually the ones that were the problems in a relationship. Otherwise, just get ready for it... Sorry for writing a novel here... oh, and last thing - we never ever fought, not once, and I don't fight, I just listen... but all of the incidents that stemmed from the most trivial of things happened after he got covid. I always believed in immediate and proactive communication, being vulnerable, listening actively, meeting needs, etc., etc... but mine weren't met, and he wasn't as vulnerable as he initially said... that good old toxic masculinity gets 'em every time. On the ASD - his misreading of facial expressions was the saddest thing of all - it was like a movie where your lover starts to show alzheimers and no longer recognizes you - it felt so much like that!
Thanks for the lengthy share. Glad you could get that off of your chest. It is damaging for those of us who are open to vulnerability and working on conflict. It should not be such a big deal. It sounds very real the implications of covid on his brain. So I am glad you found safety and are healing. You gave it your best shot. Give yourself some credit! Its not your fault his brain and body got inflamed and he lost his composure and acted out harshly.
Yeah I feel you there, sensitivity during these topics (in both the videos and comments) can go a long way, this is a topic where people make themselves very vulnerable
For me, it's not relationship. I don't believe in relationships, which are friends with benefits. My problem is that my twin flame is this type of personality. I walked away and I'm ghosting him but we can't avoid each other forever
Could you please make a video on when a "subtl" dismissive avoidant asks for a break to assess everything after a fight and after you call them out on being dismissive, stonewalling you, and you talk about what you'd like them to improve (prioritizing you the way you do for them, taking better care of themselves, trying to get to know themselves better). He's younger than me by 4 years so it doesn't help either. His family has always told him he's perfect, he's never been criticized for anything. So me asking him to improve is a big deal for him so he wants time to see if he's capable of this. I feel like he broke something between us because it feels like a break up instead of a mature decision to put efforts into working on himself. Thank you xx
@@curious_gageYes listen to this. I didn't know about attachment styles so when she was telling me she wasn't sure about things so needed a break, I thought I needed to show more interest. So the moment I sent her another message, it must have felt too encroaching on her independence and feer of commitment. She just ended things there.
I’m dismissive avoidant and I almost feel like you’re confusing narcissism with DA. While I have a hard time regulating my emotions while in a relationship, I do work on myself, and I’m not mean or rude. My partner knows exactly where we stand. I communicate. No contact isn’t necessary, but if someone feels they need to do that, I simply respect their boundaries.
Thank you my friends i am learning a lot from an avoidance relationship because i was in a relationship with a avoidance man and everything you guys been saying this is thd exact ways he behaves
