Why Most Avoidants Come Back After No Contact 

They’re like repelling magnets, no matter how you approach communication, from what angle, slow or fast, that magnet is always going to repel you. Yeah, I understand they have an attachment style that comes from trauma, but it’s no excuse for cruelty, rudeness, emotional abuse, cheating, lying or leading someone on. Zero tolerance for that.

I'm an avoidant. She broke up with me. I'm going to therapy and working on this. I will never allow myself to hurt the one I love again.

There are no success stories. They WILL miss you during no contact and return, but usually they only want a friends with benefits situation and they will leave you again. No contact is for you to take space and heal. An avoidant is a lost cause and not worth a second of your time.

They dont get lonely because they are already in a rebound relationship which they more than likely had lined up before they left because they cant be on their own & need validation all the time,instead of working & being better in their relationship they leave for someine who is less than you so they dont have to step up & be better.......let them off anyone who thinks they can do better than you or doesn't choose you all the time and see your worth let them go....they are not worth it

I'm exhausted just by watching this. Do yourself a favor and stay away from avoidants-- they will suck your energy dry...

My ex gf blindsided me 25 months ago!!! I dropped off the face of the earth and remain in No Contact, radio silence! I'm not on any social media! She knows nothing about me. Not a peep from of her. I will remain in no contact forever!!! It's her loss, and I'm totally healed now. When she walked away at the time it felt like a death!! All is good now!! :) Stay Strong!!

Avoidants are usually shocked into reality when they "discard" me only to realize I can choose to be more "aviodant " than they are by walking off, going no contact and leaving them in the dust. I am secure, so I can easily go solo or have a relationship. I choose what I will put up with and I don't play "Avoidants" mind games. ❤

I made no contact for over a year and he got married less than a year after no contact. She can have him. Emotionally unavailable people are a waste of time.

Most people aren’t anxious avoidant. They are responding anxiously to avoidant behavior which is healthy and normal. They sense the toxicity. Avoidants turn secures anxious. Avoidants shouldn’t be allowed to date until they have had a solid couple years in therapy.

Avoidants want people in their life, but they don't. So you make your presence known and then NEVER reach out. Let them do all of the reaching out. I learned the hard way.

Avoidants core wound is fear of rejection. One of their coping mechanisms is needing space. Fear of losing independence is not the core wound, rejection is.

I’d rather the electric chair than a dismissive avoidant relationship again

They have a fantasy partner concept but never work on themself to be a trusted partner for that fantasy partner🙄🙄🙄and that is when I question their intelligence

Yes being a secure person in a relationship with an avoidant will cause so much trauma that in order to stay with them you will develop an anxious “attachment” to fit them, don’t go there.

No contact means NO Contact! And the purpose is getting over your EX! Not get them back. So many people have opposite intentions to get them back .

6m of no contact I’m proud of myself. I am self aware , that I have anxious attachment style / he is the dismissive avoidant . I have realized that I didn’t need him . I am actually doing better. I’m not missing out on anything. Just live life in peace .

No 45 days, No contact is: you walk away and never look back. No contact is forever if the dumper doesn't contact you.

What's the point reaching out to someone who didn't want us? There's no point at all....self respect and self love must take place ,forget about them and move on😊

The irony about an anxious individual giving the avoidant space is that it allows them to potentially heal their own core wounds.

If you don't try with an avoidant narcissist, they accuse you of not caring or cheating etc. If you do try, they devalue you and reject you. Its a lose lose situation.

My boyfriend told me on one of our first dates “I’m not a chaser and I don’t dote on anyone.” What a giant red flag that completely flew over my head. I paid dearly for my ignorance. Never again will I date a personality of this type.

Came back after 8 months of no contact only to block me 6 months later. I am fed up of people with this disorder. It's draining.

I was the phantom ex, he made this clear. When he came back I couldn't compete with the mythological version of myself that he had in his head.

That's what makes it hard to let go. We were sold on this person loving us and that we have found the perfect partner. Knowing their love wasn't a lie but that the trauma will not allow them to tear down that wall to really let you in and become vulnerable. So close, yet so far away. No matter how much you try to prove your love its never enough.

Honestly! Life is a GIFT! Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Does anyone want to waste that precious gift on people who are messed up and just mess others up? It's tough loving a DA but for God sake leave them be and give yourself the time energy to enjoy that Gift or give your love to someone who can reciprocate it. I wasted 20 years and it's the advice I'd give myself long long ago.

Become the ex that they miss… simple.. you need to relate the good times to you, by being your best self and then being unavailable, letting them miss you..

As a former anxious avoidant, I dated a dismissive avoidant who throughout our "relationship" was never affectionate nor made any effort to make it work. In addition, I also found out that she was still in love an ex boyfriend from her past which led to me finally walking away. I would definitely not recommend anyone to date a dismissive avoidant. It's not worth it.

Avoidants despise their own medicine. It's pretty hilarious 😂

Honestly, after 3 breakups with a dismissive avoidant, I am done. I'm tired of being put on a back burner for days on end. All I want is peace✌

I am an anxious person, but 45-days of no-contact I will definitely forget about that person and move to a new one lol

This is spot on in every way. No contact is supposed to be for you, not to get them back. If you heal during no contact, you won't want them back when they try. Maybe I am secure now, instead of anxious which is what I used to be.

No point in getting them back.. once you get them they start fantasizing about the last phantom ex. These people are extremely sick in the head and should be avoided you cannot have a happy relationship with them. It’s like trying to be with a spoiled child who will never take accountability for their transgressions. They are never alone with their thoughts, they are serial cheaters. They are never fully in the relationship. They always have back up plans. Don’t walk, Run. Go no contact and stay no contact.

They are bad news and like playing with people. You can never get a straight answer.

A person doesn’t have to be anxious to want to fix a problem the other person invented.

The cycle forced me to go within and heal myself. I had to see my own codependency. The reprogramming is literally as a drug withdrawal. Took about 2-3 years, but worth the work. Every codependent has to go through it. Side effect of Western living.

Avoidants sounds dangerously close to narcissism traits.. 🤨

If you loved your partner and the relationship meant something to you, there's no way you are over your ex in 45 or 90 days. After 90 days the dumpee will feel less anxious and depressed, but that's it. Realistically, it could take up to 6 months to start feeling better about yourself and the future.

When they go no contact with me I make sure that I make sure they hate me so much that they will never come back.

stop treating no contact like it’s something that should be temporary and time bound. that’s just going to cause the dumpee to look forward to the day where they should “give it up”. Just go no contact. Permanently. As the person that’s been dumped, it’s not your responsibility to fix what you didn’t break. Let your avoidant dumper go through their stages of the “death wheel”. If you reconcile then great, but if not then it’s not meant to be. Why want someone that doesn’t want you? No contact always works. Either you stick with it and grow as a person and become more secure over time, or you get your ex back if they reach out first and that’s also a win if that’s what you want (it shouldn’t ever be you to reach out as the dumpee really!!).

Bro your editing style is insane; great quality must’ve taken ages to do!! Keeps you engaged.

my ex was an avoidant. we broke up nov 26 and for 2 months we had no contact. we met unexpectedly and we decided to try and patch things up cause he said he missed me and wanted me back so we did. i was really hoping that this time we would improve but unfortunately we became worse. we had a heart to heart talk and i asked him if he sees me in his future and he said “i dont know”. he then kept saying he was too toxic for me. i told him i was willing to compromise this time. he said he hated seeing me suffer with him and that i shouldnt adjust to someone who wasn’t willing to change their behavior for me. i felt my heart broke literally into pieces. i went to as low as almost “begging” him but he pushed me away. hurts so much to know he doesn’t and never valued me.

I never realized that I was the avoidant until I started talking about my emotions with my current partner. I can't believe how much harm I've done due to not understanding this was the reason. Im aiming to break the cycle and this video has been a massive breakthrough in recognizing my patterns. Thank you Chris. You've done in 20 minutes what I haven't been able to figure out about myself in years of trying to heal and be better.

Been in no contact for close to a year now. I still think about her most days and miss her, but I don't think she'll ever reach out at this point. Avoid avoidants is my best advice, they will likely shatter your heart.

Move on from day one. Life is too short to waste time on people that is avoidant/unsecure/anxious. You deserve better. Action is what matters

It's wild how accurate this is. I've literally lived this.

Best is to turn No Contact into Perpetual No Contact. One has to respect oneself first and foremost.

I went 4 months of 0 contact, then we crossed paths socially and for the next 3 months, it was me reaching out with just 3 brief, generic texts (nothing personal or flirtatious). Eventually, I offered a casual invitation to get together sometime. He jumped on it and has been pursuing me ever since. Though the breakup hurt, I needed those months apart to heal, to stop being anxiously attached-- my chasing made him run. No matter what happens between us now, I'm a better person for working through my own issues. I think he has too.

“If you could talk to an avoidant about their ideal person” uhhhhh yeah, they won’t communicate…. Hard to communicate when they avoid ALL communication

I believe avoidants have PTSD triggers that causes them to self sabotage and deactivate closing the opportunity for someone new to get close afraid of being hurt and are completely defensive to prevent those triggers. Avoidants are extremely independent and enjoy being alone. They find red flags almost in everyone. They enjoy the no contact for a limited time. Your death wheel on avodiant is spot on. They do seek a genuine secure relationship but until then they will continue being avoidant. I'm not an expert but was surrounded by a few of them. I would like to hear from the avoidant perspective on this.

NARCISSIST's attachment style is anxious avoidant or anxious dismissive. Their sense of identity relies on them rejecting people. They continually test their partners if you love me let me then break your heart and take me back. Again and again and again.

I’m new to your videos, but they have made me cry. I don’t want to be a Fearful Avoidant. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I can’t seem to find the proper therapist to help me. Thank you for not making us Avoidants feel like garbage human beings.

Avoidants don’t bother watching this. Atlst anxious learns but avoidants most likely stays stagnant.

And they adopt anxious people like pets They’re bad owners but They seem to like to choose those, claim they’re annoying, then come back if you’re silent

It is also worth taking a moment in putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Regardless of their attachment style. In particular, if the attempts at contact have gone on, even intermittently, over many years. To a person who may suffer trauma-based depression, what I'm doing seems reasonable, even though I know it is irrational to think that the other person can fix what was broken. As only you can do that. Each attempt at communication does two things: 1) It rips off the band-aid, and exposes you to rejection again. 2) It more likely than not, repels the ex-partner. From their perspective, it is over. You no longer exist in their world. Each time you contact them it probably feels like a violation of their privacy, it's unwanted, it feels disturbing, and could even elicit feelings of fear. When it is over, it is over. Grieve the loss. And try your hardest to not ever contact that person again. If they reach out to you, so be it. But the idea of the 'no contact' rule shouldn't be time-boxed. There is no hard or fast rule. As each person is different. Each ending is different. You have to find a mindset that is willing to grieve a lost love and accept that it is dead. They are in effect, dead. You can't speak to the dead. So, don't try. I really wish, when I was 20, and my world fell apart, that someone older, and wiser and explained this to me. To tell me that there is no point in trying to ever contact that person for the rest of your life. They may one day want to say 'hi', twenty or thirty years down the line. But don't force the issue. It's over. And there is nothing wrong with you. They didn't reject you or abandon you. They simply decided to switch to a different flavor of ice cream. And if they take a flaming dump on you in the process and end it in the cruelest manner possible... then this person never really loved you. They never deserved your heart. Your spirit. You're always are and will always be so much more than how you are defined by them in that relationship.

I agree so much, I feel like you hit the nail on the head. The avoidant always goes after the same "type" and then feel disappointed when it is a "repeat" of the same cycle and then they resort to ghosting, then they look for a new "type / partner" and repeat the same shit again but there is never any conscious realization or reflection or growth on the part of the avoidant. I don't get that at all.

As a person with anxious attachment style, I completely endorse the "anxious attachment death wheel". Everything about it is true in my case, and I am thankful that I have been able to figure the last 2 stages by the time my subsequent breakup occurred (because the previous one wrecked me). I won't chase anyone anymore, no matter how much I crave for that connection to materialise. I am way too tired and ill now. I'd rather make myself happy and refuse to have my efforts to make someone feel special and understood consistently taken for granted. Rather invest all that in myself now: the lesson has been learned.

Avoiding being hurt is a gift. Avoiding hurting is a gift. Wanting to be loved and to live freely and without any kind of void ...

I can not believe how 100% accurate this video is. The entire thing. It literally sounds like you’re talking about my last relationship with my ex. If we ever talk again I’m going to show her this video.

Im secure attachment, i worked EXTENSIVELY on my attachment style so i know for a fact I am secure. Still got discarded. PLEASE don't think that becoming secure means that you will be less likely to be discarded by an avoidant; they reject people of ALL attachments. It's entirely their own wounding. Just heal your attachment so you can walk away with ease.

I'm a former anxious attachment style. Now im secure. I was single for 6 years and worked on myself. My bf is a recovering avoidant, and I will say that when an avoidant feels safe and able to maintain their autonomy, god they are so so deeply loving

This is the best video I've seen on the avoidant topic so far ... Wish i had known all of this when i broke up with my ex and former highschool friend a couple of years ago. This vid would have saved me soooo much heartache. Could not be more over him now though. He left me feeling like a used napkin dumped next to a trash can, (didnt even care enough to put me inside the bin) I will never again tolerate this kind of behaviour from a man. I do understand he was damaged goods .....but what we all need to understand is that our shitty childhood or our shitty experiences with previous partners does not give the right to mistreat others.

The dating landscape is a severe wasteland. Misery loves company.

avoidants want you to be seriously committed, without their committing. RUN!

This is why when the saucer men fly over, They say "there's no intelligent life here captain"

I’m an avoidant I DO NOT break the No contact I go on with life. Work extra, work out, go to church more, sleep ALOT…whatever to get things off my mind. Definitely NOT a new relationship ( I would rather be alone than be with any person… there is one person I fall for EVERY time ) When my ex reaches out I usually will go back Your 8 stage is 100% accurate

I can't imagine why anyone would reach out to an ex ever again

I've gone through the no-contact rule and it absolutely works.... In particular when my focus is simply put back on my own life and creating the best version of me. And yes, my avoidant person took note, and voila! I became someone he wanted back in his life. Great... Or.... Not so great... Cause here we are, 6 years later and three cycles of break-up, then no-contact, the re-emergence, friend zone, rebuilding of trust, rekindling, another round of intimate relationships and the cycle repeat. Eventually, no-contact simply becomes another expression of codependency and coping strategy that only leads to heart ache, unless enough trust and maturity can be built to dive in and elucidate the core wounds in both people.

As a person who practices the ‘no contact rule’ cause self respect, dignity, and my energy is of value… what this man says are facts. Usually I’ve had everyone that I peace out come back with accountability towards their actions.

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t.

I used to be anxious. Went to therapy. Did a lot of healing and now dismissive avoidants are just a turn off. I go no contact and stay no contact after they come back. It's become easy over the years. I recommend you heal first..

I am so appreciative of the dismissive Advoidant I met and fell in love with. He helped me become more secure from being anxious, learning to give him space over the last two years, because he always came back to me. So it started to secure me within saying I was not abandoned when love is always there.

Chris did some great research love it. I will add up to it the avoidant doesn’t want to lose their independency true but also focus on the partner with whom they are with not to have any independency from them. Which will kill the anxious partner more during the break up

SO validating. He told me he’d never had a love like he had with his toxic abusive ex and didn’t think he ever would again. Told me he loves me, loves being with me, is crazy attracted to me, loves how well I love him, thinks I’m the most beautiful person … but doesn’t have feelings deep enough to commit. And wants a committed relationship and ours is holding us both back from having that with the right people. We’d been friends for 15 years, stayed up all night talking and laughing and connecting, have crazy chemistry, tons of mutual friends and interests … but he’s looking for some … other person he hasn’t met yet. But he still wants me in his life. I went no contact for a while and was feeling over him and now he’s showing affection again.

Why would you want to check in with your ex once youre through the 90 day no contact and you're over them anyway?

Your videos are brilliant. A fascinating subject. I am a trainee therapist. The games avoidants play are another part. You have covered the absolute fundamentals, however the damage and repercussions of this attachment style are the pieces that we pick up as therapists. I am in Domestic Abuse, where these styles clash resulting in all types of abuse, triangulation, coercion etc. It's real. Thank you, I find your videos amazing.

Been in no contact with my DA ex for almost 5 months now and I highly HIGHLY doubt he's ever coming back because his ego and his pride are way too damn big... Anyways, its his loss. He went back to his fwb like a week after we broke up and continues to see her... meaning he never valued me or our relationship the same way I did. It's a heartbreaking realization but happens when you date an immature and emotionally volatile m̶a̶n̶ little boy. Learned my lesson for sure...😩

My history with my current partner who is also my ex confirms this. We both grew a lot in no contact and now it's so nice and secure with him

I am a self aware avoidance! And he is right on point! Working on my self.

Great explanation! Still it doesn’t make it easy to date an avoidant. The only thing I gathered out of it is to be thankful for the experience and clearly move on and become more secure. Avoidants are the best karmic partners to teach us to grow and improve. They are just light up the way with our own tears to grow. Stay strong my fellow anxious RU-vidrs as it’s not an easy path in anyway.

The modern world is crazy. Spend time with people who didnt grow up these days. I never heard of these crazy people until i was 50

Just move on, I know it’s hard but most of these DA’s are just colossal disappointments.

You’re saying we should “reach out after 45 days after the no contact rule with the avoidant that left”….( ? ) Noo way….unless the avoidant would reach out first - then why even contact them at all?

Dude. I am the avoidant and my actions have followed what you have laid out to a T. It all makes sense now. Thank you so much.

14:39 you didn't need to call me out like this!!

the comment section is valid. I am an avoidant, and it really sucks to hear stories of people who don't work on themselves as avoidants and hurt the people they cared about (or didn't and were just straight up assholes). Not every avoidant attachment person is the same. some are better then others, and its more about learning who they are then just their attachment style that will determine the longevity of the relationship. Ive never been in a relationship where I've ever went no contact, just drifted apart because of long distance. I don't know how I would act with no contact. I think, reaching out for me would be me wondering how they are doing. I think I wouldn't process that there is a 'no contact' right away. A lot of emotons are delayed, so the feelings around the no contact won't occur till later, hitting me fast, or hitting me in short waves that last a while, since I was shown that showing too strong of emotional moments (negative ones specifically, like anger, rejection, betrayal etc) put a toll on my parents (stressing them out, or made them uncomfortable). Avoidants, just like anxious attachments have some childhood trauma (and not always from parents). To say you will avoid avoidants no matter what is fair in terms of what you've been through. But, I won't lie and say that it isn't sad to see. I don't plan on saying 'no thank you' to someone I know has an anxious attachment style (my mother does), even if it may be challenging for both of us, because we can still grow as people, I've done a lot of growth to be better with relationships and my avoidant tendencies and always admit my fuck-up when I start pulling away.

200 days after avoidance walked out! Almost over her!

I finally let go of an avoidant and usually I would feel pain after I let go of the relationship, but I feel so relived. Avoidants can fuck up your emotional health!

My DA ex came back after 3 months NC. Everything Coach Chris says is true. If your ex is an avoidant, and you two had a LTR and deep connection, chances are they'll come back (if you give them time). NC is key people; stay strong 🙏

I've done this over and over with the avoidant and still we wind up back on this wheel. I'm so tired of it. I want to progress but every time we do, he pulls back and around and around we go. It's no longer fruitful for me to give him space for extended periods of time while I disconnect to get over him, and when he finally comes back and seeks to reconnect, I'm depleted and wary of putting my heart and myself back out there for him again. He just destroys me over and over just to repeat this vicious cycle. I just don't want it anymore despite my feelings that we're so perfect for each other. It's killing me inside. I'm sure I'm on the 6th step of the anxious cycle again but I don't want to repeat this anymore. I want a loving fulfilling relationship and my avoidant love just can't seem to grasp & hold tight to us for any sustainable real future. It's utterly exhausting but I love him so much!!!! I pray God blesses us both to find a way but find myself so disheartened. ❤💔

Why would u reach out if you’re over them???

Avoidants are childish.

It does indeed feel like a death when experiencing this for the first time, if you have an anxious attachment style. In my case, it was exacerbated by the death of a parent at a young age. There will always be the fear of abandonment and rejection. So, when the first person I feel in love with, cheated and then left me for that person, it was like a death, but with the added feeling of trauma. And I did everything you shouldn’t in terms of contact. Tried multiple times over 25 years. And to this day, that person will not acknowledge my existence. So, I do wonder if I had made no attempts at contact whatsoever, if that had helped me in the long term. As this is a limbic trauma loop that led to drug addiction and suicide attempts in my early 20s. Sadly, I didn’t have a support system to recognize what I was experiencing. And my brain persuaded itself that just getting her to acknowledge me, would fix everything. I know now, that I was wrong. But it took forever to reach this point. And I still battle with it everyday. But it’s not their fault. They just happened to be the unfortunate soul who uncorked an untreated childhood trauma. Something they could not fix. It was a journey I needed to take on my own.

No Contact has been like breathing fresh air and frankly gives me a strong sense of power!!

My avoidant love bombed me in a big way for his own purposes. The seduction was amazing but too much. And then very little real depth. No one he had ever been with had been good enough in his mind. But he shared a lot of intimate sex details that cut me to the core. I think avoidants are shallow users, phonies, hypocrites. I'm finally getting over this child-man.

A long term relationship with a narcisist turned me from anxious to fearful avoidant. The phantom ex is true, but I don’t long for them at all. In fact I dread running into them randomly as we still have friends in common, and every moment I find out that our friends protected me from running into them is a huge blessing. I feel tormented and traumatized, and after many years constantly partnered, I’m now going into my third year of absolute singlehood, unable to like or attach to anyone and turning down whoever approaches. I don’t like being avoidant, I wouldn’t if I could.

Thank you for confirming my intentions on how to handle the situation with an avoidant and grow myself to be the best version of myself to embrace self-actualization.

I broke the no contact rule so much. He actually told me he had me timed as to when I was going to contact him. All the stages are so accurate on the wheel. Omg 😢I made so many mistakes 😮I definitely have an anxious attachment style and but, keep attracting these avoidant types😢Definitely need 19:07 to work on myself… I definitely had lots of negative self talk during the no contact time.

Fantasy sums it up completely. They prefer fantasy (avoidance) - all ways - to the reality of a real relationship. They have the whole internet to focus on and go "fishing".I love the death wheels!!

made no contact for 2 months just to find out from this vid its '90 days' probation lol I guess it is somewhat of a relief mine happened sooner but man all the emotions I had to endure. I'm in a much better place now but after the meet up we are back to no contact again lol pretty pathetic but I'm pretty proud of how I'm holding up. Self-regulation and introspection is indeed the way to go.

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.