Games Avoidants Play When They're In Love With You 

Avoidant’s are so focused on testing their love interest to make sure he/she will be a good partner that they don’t even notice that in the process, THEY have become a terrible partner!

In summary: they treat you like shit. Good night.

I dated an avoidant and it was a very confusing, hurtful time. His words never matched his actions, rarely initiated plans, gaslighted, and lied. All these things happened so craftily I didn’t see what was really happening until I was out of it. Except my nervous system was screaming at me. They give you just enough to keep you in the string. The list goes on. In the end, I got ghosted after I suggested the breakup. Believe people when they show you who they are! And never date someone’s potential. Take care of yourself ❤

Avoidant here, we crave emotional intimacy so much, just like any other person but the issue is we are scared of what we desire. We have this huge fear of loving and attaching to someone and them abandoning us, we know we have the fear and sometimes we ignore our fears ( not working on ourselves) and get into a relationship and eventually the ugly head of our insecurity comes up. There's a constant mind battle going on like "Should I stay? I am starting to like this person..what if he/she ditches me when they find someone who's better than me...oh I know what to do! Gotta ignore and detached to protect myself and also keep myself busy with a lot of friends" And then eventually what we fear happens cause of our actions of intentionally ignoring our person. And then we also have the habit of getting in a situationship with fellow avoidants cause that makes us stay in our comfort zone (No fear). Eventually that also ends cause no emotional connection. Then we think of the one we left and miss them and try to go back to them but it's already too late or they move away. Avoidants either live in past or future, it's something like when we are in a relationship with a fellow avoidant we live in the past. Meanwhile when we are in a relationship with a secure/insecure attatched person we live in the future, always running and self-sabotaging the present and then blaming the people for our actions. We are cursed and people who choose to love us suffer due to our actions. The self-respecting ones leave us and never talk to us again and God forbid if someone shows us our faults...we shut down and just pretend we didn't hear them...listening to our faults and bad patterns makes us anxious and then we run away to help our mind feel more stable.

Pulling away when things are going well. Every. Single. Damn. Time. 🤬

The DA simply needs to heal from their childhood wounds. As an adult no healthy person is going to play these unhealthy games with them

If you want a weekend lover with no commitment, date an avoidant with no expectations of it going any further than surface feelings at best. This will work depending on your lifestyle and attachment style. However, if you’re looking for something deeper and someone who will understand you, avoid the avoidant. There are not bad people at all, they can’t handle anything past the point of simple dating strategies and basic needs. They tend to only focus on possessions and what they want instead of what they can give you. I put it simply like playing with a toy, when they want you, they will be 100% at that moment until they are done with you. Then, they will put you away and carry on with their life until they want to play with you again. Nothing in between play times at best. I have been with an avoidant for over 1.5 years and Its been a learning experience. This has been my experience with an avoidant so please don’t take this for every situation. Just an example.

Feels like you're on a merry-go-round until you get kicked off and then have to wait for an invitation to get back on until you get kicked off again and the cycle continues.

I'm an avoidant but I love myself so much that I am in the process of getting rid of the bad habits even If I get hurt because living forever in fear of getting hurt and not giving what you actually can give and want to give is MUCH worse than getting hurt. In the end I am way more afraid that I might hurt a good person (maybe even a truly good person) just because I didn't have the courage to believe in the potential. I am also much happier and lighter with this decision, so thanks for calling me out in this video haha!

I was married to an avoidant, and a year after we were married I noticed he was looking at me in an admiring way, and as soon as I turned my head he quickly looked away. That really stuck with me. We were MARRIED, and he couldn’t let me know he was looking at me like that? There’s a giant list of what went wrong but some small things will always stick with me.

Such a mind f dating one. Tells me he likes me a lot and wants a relationship, then does everything he can to sabotage it. Waiting days, weeks, months to reach back out after an amazing time together, claiming he’s been so busy with work or constantly using the sick card. A 180 of Changing his moods to acting annoyed and intolerant of my presence suddenly in middle of hanging out as if my time is up and I am required to leave. Always felt in limbo, anxious , fear of rejection where I stood as he would always leave future plans vague or non existent.

It's heartbreaking when you know they're self destructing and self sabotaging the very love they're acting and believing they're entitled to

Being involved with an Avoidant is like walking a tightrope between two skyscrapets...One tiny "mistake" ( according to the avoidant) and down you go . Who needs that? Life is way too short for tightropes.❤ ..

With all their preoccupation with themselves and their own well being, I honestly dont think they are capable of actually loving anyone. They love selfishly, and their partners love unconditionally. Its a shame they push away someone like that, as unconditional love is usually a gift from spirit and if you reject the gift, and choose not to heal through it, you will face some harsh and hurtful karma.

Literally manifesting disaster and creating disaster to feel in control of it, they're constantly manipulating their own emotions while blaming people for assuming they're doing the same

My 1st true love is an avoidant. He always carried some of the characteristics: mystery/hard to know, disappears, minimal expression of love/care/understanding. He has only gotten worse. He's 46 now. I'm the one that got away- it's been 27 yrs. He has told me numerous times. "I keep looking for you in other women and I can't find another you" 😢💔 He is his own undoing 😢

The games they play: #1 - They make time for you despite keeping you at a distance, #2 - Rarely initiating contact, #3 - They try to keep their cool even though they're terrified of rejection, #4 - They will hold back "I Love you's" until they are sure it will be reciprocated, #5 - They'll purposefully put you in a harsh environment to see if you'll come out the other side still committed.

Even listening to this I am exhausted half way through. After having spent a decade bashing my head against a wall dealing with a fearful and dismissive avoidant I am constantly on the lookout for them. They display any of these behaviors and I’m quick to cut my losses. This is so tedious when you’re a person doing the work to overcome your own struggles and are willing to be open. The way dating trends are going this type of personality is way more prevalent thus making the whole situation untenable for the rest of us.

In the world today, it seems lack of authenticity is the issue.... no matter what the "disorder" is. So if its not narcissism, its avoidant, or its codependent.....maybe the labels now are inauthentic. The goal appears to be authenticity at all costs.

I’m so sick of folks blaming shitty behavior on his or her childhood. I had two of the worst parents that walked the face of the Earth and I became a nurturing nurse. Apply the Golden Rule: love others as you love yourself! Stop hurting others, Avoidants!!

In laymen's terms they're their own worse enemy in having what their heart truly desire.

So just avoid an avoidant, saves you a lot of time, prevents heartache etc. Find someone who is based.

You have to have a very secure attachment style to deal with these people

Great…he’s in love with me but terrified of me.

Their self sabotage is incredibly ironic

Their shenanigans are so narcissistic.. it’s all about them, showing no interest in others.

I can't tell you how many times I had to play the "How well do you know him?" game when i was with his family. I was always the sole contestant. Was like he was always trying to publicly disqualify me in front of them -- get all his ducks in a row for the breakup -- or personally justify his orbit around me. Joke was on me, pretty sure his family knew no girlfriend ever passes the testing. I was witness to the testing he did with them too. Avoidants are always testing. God, please bless 'em with a desire to seek answers

The grandiosity and narcissism someone has to have to think that only people who get through the gauntlet of bs deserve to be with them.....

How is that love? Love is simple. People love their pets with more honesty and loyalty. I mean, no one compares their pet with their friend's pet and thinks, "I can do better." I used to think I might be avoidant. But I don't play any of these games. And I *definitely* don't want a rerun of my crazy dysfunctional upbringing's greatest hits. Anyone who intentionally tried to put me through that again (especially as some sort of f'd up mating ritual) probably wouldn't enjoy the response. Chill and steady and sans unnecessary pain/ evil is the definitely my new black. I just want to be happy with someone's company and know they care about me, and to improve their quality of life in return. Otherwise, I don't have to prove anything or compare anyone with anyone to anyone. It's not complicated. Really. Stupid simple.

My wife held it up for about 5 years and then it all started falling apart - more and more distance, and affection was withdrawn over 7 years to be nothing for the last 8. Adopted children in the home, and once they arrived, the return to her natural avoidant state started up. Always at a distance, 6 inches away and may as well be a mile. Together but not together - zero quality time.

Her not opening up and withdrawing from me was the exact reason I broke up with her after 2.5 months. I'm done with that shit. It's not my responsibility to fix her.

The most accurate analysis of this topic I've come across. Im still trying to heal and understand previous romantic and platonic relationships with strong DA'S. They really do mess your mind up, leaving you extremely confused , angry, and heartbroken with so many unanswered questions. Thanks for this!

Seriously questioning whether or not I want to get her back now… I won’t lie and say I like being single. I definitely do want love and to eventually be married, but I want someone who wants me too.

Any time I say I love you or I miss you I don’t hear from him for a week. Three years and he’s never said it. It’s extreme. He told me vulnerability gives him the shakes. The physical part is fire and that’s why I’ve stayed for so long.

Only fight for someone who is willing and showing change. If not, leave them. It is good for them. Life will continue to repeat life lessons until they are learned. You are one of those life lessons they lost. Rock bottom is the only way for someone to truly change.

All my avoidants have either ghosted me or treated me like used garbage, throwing me away and then after months digging me up again from the trash can. Hard to see any love there. Also narcissists do that also, but they never love you.

Really good video! Yep, some of them will put you through these games. It's exhausting and wastes a lot of time. An unhealed DA will either consciously or unconsciously run you through their gauntlet. They will see how much crap they can put you through until the relationship breaks. Some DAs also have narcissistic tendencies. These people will see how much they can put you through until YOU break.

This is such powerful information. It helps me to understand that I should look deeper into myself and my attachment style instead of “why” they behaved like that. It changes focus and perspective.

Love these videos and you narrating! The last point in this particular video? So so true! They ultimately make you feel like a Roman gladiator armed with lethal weapons...spending all your time in the arena. And of course they want you to fail. They are actually pretty mad at you when you succeed. They cannot understand the concept of uconditional love that leaves people alone and free to decide. On the other hand for gladiators during ancient times, there was freedom or death. That used to be the end of their slavery. With loving an FA or a DA? The torture never ends. It stabs your beating heart every single time...until you break free at last and allow them to reject you and your love without blaming yourself and holding hard feelings...wishing them best of lack in their lives and continue to love them from a distance while you live your best life too alone or with someone secure!

Labelling people won't help. There's nothing wrong with your natural desire for closeness, kindness, interest in you, your life on a consistent level. If you ever feel a person losing interest or pulling away, you won't have a clue with labelling and starting a diagnosis. Speak up once for your needs. If the other person is not willing to meet them, it's your turn to shut things off. The earlier the better. Don't look back. I really mean it for your own sake. Any day longer you stay trapped in this, you drain yourself physically and emotionally. If they reach out, it's often just to check if you're still on the hook, sometimes out of curiosity. This isn't the kind of love you're looking for. If it was they'd never allow you to leave or neglect your basic, natural desire for closeness and connection.

Man, the only comfort i find out of all of this (it was all very informative) is that hey, at least this might be an evolutionary strategy for the species to have varying attachment styles. Cause my god, being entangled with a DA is just plain brutal. It’s the definition of being with someone who plays games

These videos are getting progressively more brilliant. Thank you for these and for your research into attachment styles. As a therapist this comes in handy on both a personal and professional level. Human relationships are so complex.

On the other end of the "reassurance," the avoidant is *taking* security from their partner, and that is what they do not see. They are so overly focused on protecting themselves, they cannot see when these protective habits are actively hurting others. And then they know they were in the feeling of self defense, so when someone shares that they were hurt, and the avoidant experiences shame, they understand this as the other person *shaming* them, which is NOT the same thing. It might as well be, to them. They feel so overly persecuted that they will not agree to take on any responsibilities of a normal mutual relationship unless cornered and forced. And that is the exact opposite of what any mature partner actually wants to do. Attempting to micromanage another person is beyond exhausting idk why they even bother trying.

excellent points. I summed things up this way re: the DA I dated. We had a wonderful honeymoon phase. He left suddenly. He tried to come back months later - very non-challantly similar to an F-boy. Basically it was, "I can't do healthy... but I can do toxic! Do you want to do toxic?" So I laughed him off. Just gave back that F-boy energy with some F-girl energy of my own. What's good for the goose is good for the gander as they say

At this point in life (47yrs), after much research to try to explain the behaviours of others, I've decided it's all a moot point. The root of the problem is apathy and lack of accountability. Nobody calls people out on their bs anymore. I just dumped a woman because she was talking to another man. Do you think she would admit it even after I proved it? No, she had a narcissist implosion and went into a rage. That is someone who is used to doing what they want and never paying consequences. I treated her very well and we had plans to do many great things together. My point is, she came off as avoidant, then turned into malignant narcissist the second she stopped getting her way. Guard your boundaries people

dont waste your time. Avoid these people at all costs

Your videos about avoidants are the best on YT, really appreciate it!

I'm a secure/Avoidant ..and i only have the secure because i have put myself in counseling all my life.

I love this, thank you!!! I enjoy your videos so much. You always share good stuff!

💯% spot on!!! I have an avoidant (would never put a label on us so maybe we’re “friends” IDK??) who keeps coming back, if I stop talking, he reaches back out. He even said something about “testing” potential partners. My entire relationship feels like a test and because I’m not perfect and can’t read his mind, I keep failing the test.

They play stupid games, they should win stupid prizes. Not your precious time, energy, patience, sanity and love. Not worth it. Know when the game is being rigged and bail ASAP. Forever. Bye, lol.

Thank you for the warning. Hopefully the signs are obvious to healthy relationship seekers, and those of us comfortable being alone or with someone with whom there is mutuality (attraction, priorities, psychological health,...etc.). The standards aren't getting lower here. Hence, still single, yet, I do hope to meet him. Avoiding the avoidant is gonna be darn easy, per your assessment: "They rarely initiate contact." I needed something to be easy lately. Secure people usually mate with secure, assertive persons, or not at all. It's not the silent treatment. It's a firm no to avoidants.

Heal thyself first. This is ridiculous, leave these people alone as they will never love anyone as much as they love their anxiety.

Getting straight to the point. Kudos to the research. Keep it up👍🏻

I love your videos, thank you. Idk if I could’ve changed our outcome having your information before she ran but maybe I wouldn’t have taken it so hard.

This is spot on & so well said! Thank you

I love the thoughtfulness of your most recent videos 😀

Thank you for explaining this to me, but why can't they just be vulnerable and speak openly to us about it. I swear the last guy I was about to get involved with was an avoidant. I was so into him, but always leaning back and giving him space, wondering why he never initiated texts or made the first move. It was like he wanted me and didn't want me at the same time.

Still recovering from this hell.. just run away

so insightful. I appreciate your approach at explaining this in a more human way.

Totally agree on your hypothesis. A guy i was seeing (who seems very avoidant) kept creating these dramtaic chaotic situations in which i had to stay very calm in. I would notice he was surprisingly calm almost enjoying it and wondered if these are tests...

This is the best video I’ve seen you make. Congrats and keep pushing.

Loved this video. So clear and interestingly presented. As someone who has been an anxious attachment type I always attract dismissive avoidant types and this explains to a T what my experience has been. So fascinating and accurate.

Im a fearful avoidant, and he is a dismissive avoidant, i noticed i would reach out first and he would hardly respond and it would hurt my feelings so i would pull away hard, finally i decided to stop reaching out first and allow him to do it when he was ready and that worked wonders for him because as you mentioned they are control freaks... he controlled our communication at his convince but i still wasnt happy with it and i broke it off, NC for over 2 months now

I fond it interesting that the 3rd person said APs say i love you freely. Im an AP and im terrified to tell someone i love them because of abandonment issues as a child. So if i tell someone i love them, im damn well telling the truth because it rakes lots of guts, overthinking and certainty for me to say it

My boy is so stupid lol.😂 He doesn't tell me "babe let's meet today," he just messages me randomly "I'm accidentally in your area today"

Such a powerful video full of truth and revelations for me!

Awesome work! Thank you!

Thank you for doing actual research. So many article are just packed with keywords, and little else.

I had a covert narcissist avoidant. Very hard love. Setting boundaries was not possible and viewed as controlling where the love bombing I received was merely a manipulation until they thought 'they had me' controlled. My heart broke with his dishonesty

Thank you for stating how a facade can only be maintained for so long. Most people don’t seem to understand how someone can switch up and become a totally different person. After a certain amount of time, the person can’t keep the weight of a mask up and they eventually let it slip and show you who they truly are. That’s why showing people who you are at the beginning is so important - that act you are thinking of employing won’t last forever. If you have any interest in a long term thing, that person is going to see the real you at some point - don’t let them fall in love with a you that’s not real.

My ex admitted that he “studied” the type of person he knew I would be attracted to and acted accordingly in order for me to be in a relationship with him. He would apparently read online forums on how to attract women like me (highly educated and with a career). He actually kept the facade for three years until one day he overheard me talking to his female cousin about how I would never add a partner’s name to my house or bank accounts….that day when we went home we had our first official fight and things got worse from then on. For reference his mom actually has an official diagnosis of Narcissist Personality Disorder which is super hard to get.

“Dismissive avoidants like to hedge our bets” would be a great video topic!

Wow! Excellent insight! I think you might have described the woman I was most recently in love with perfectly! I'm still hurt that she's not around, but I feel so much better that I now understand wtf was going on with her. Thank you!!!

Just recently started listening to you clips and the information you offer up has peeled away some layers and paved the way to more insight. As a avoidant (professional) I find myself in a continuous battle to carve out out space where only I'm allowed to engage in what Stan Tatkin would describe as "impoverished play" though this doesn't take place on a conscious level, seems to all be directed out of implicit memory. One of the minor driving forces behind this is, when I'm in the presence of other people no matter how well I know them my cognition shuts down, its like I have no vocabulary which make conversations nearly impossible. Could be PTSD

Dude that was an amazing video so intelligent in delivery and getting all points across, I was paying close attention and learned a lot, keep up great material, 🏆🏆🏆

You make the best videos, your graphics are always so on point and make me laugh out every time. I always thought I was an anxious type, but everything you say about dismissive avoidants rings true to me as well.. especially when I was younger. Is it possible to change types?

Very on point. Good video.

OMG. This is so true. My ex FA began the slow fade after expressing his deep feelings for me. This continued for three years until he monkey branched to another. A month before his monkey branching, he told me he was available to take me anywhere I needed or wanted to go at any time. I always initiated contact so this was a pleasant surprise. He would do anything for me as long as his feelings could stay neutral. When telling me of his new love, he wanted to be friends and still see each other. Hell no! No friendship for me. I let him go without a tear. I don't play second choice. N C forever for me. I am mostly secure and I am mentally tough.. We had a four-year relationship/situationship that was mostly good and peaceful. I guess he took me for granted. I don't expect him to return. I think he feels guilty even though I am sure he's trying to fool himself. He knows I don't play games. It's sad. Maybe his new love is a better fit From what I know he probably feels "safe". It was also aided NY her family. He would never be a fit with me. I have moved on.

Great video!! Thank u, I love ur channel

Unfortunately, that "hypothesis" isn't likey true for a couple of reasons: 1) avoidant attachment can develop from parents who were un-emotional and did not model emotional expression or support. They could have provided for their child physically in every way and been a fantastic parents in every other way. But when it came to expressing emotions or soothing their child when they were in emotional pain, they likely brushed it aside or ignored it. 2) because many avoidants had otherwise ideal childhoods, they aren't even aware that they suffered from emotional neglect (unless they learn about it later). They often believe that they had great childhoods and are very resistant to hearing anything was wrong with how they were raised. Therefore, they wouldn't be thinking about putting someone through harsh environments or situations because they themselves didn't feel they were subject to that. The real issue is that they lack empathy and are very self-focused and as such will act in ways that selfish and inconsiderate. They don't like compromise and they act out of their subconscious (shadow). It really most likely has nothing to do with trying to test someone to see if they can survive harsh situations. They just continuously put people in harsh situations because they act in their own interests while ignoring the needs of others.

Wow, rough list!... Very insightful, thank you

I’ve watched every video about this topic to find this one the best. Now I’m like oh! Everything here resonates. It’s sad but Thank you 🙏🏽

Just leave them move on ❤

This is brilliant work, young man

We set up the next one to distract us from heartbreak.

Genius! Absolute genius! You have described my (soon-to-be-ex) ladyfriend to a "T"! I'm done being bent back and forth like a piece of metal that's about to break! 😒

As usual every word and thought are bang on. Thank you for always helping me to understand more. I often wonder if I have chosen a dismissive avoidant because I sometimes have similar tendencies and am anxious too. However, if I choose someone who is more dismissive than I am, I never have to feel guilty about hurting someone. Ugh lol

Hi again. Remember when I said when my avoidant texts I won’t respond. He’s on mute about a week and a half ago I was having a text conversation with a friend of mine when I see I had one text. Never heard my phone chime. Sure enough, there’s a text more on the “erotic” side. I never replied. What am I supposed to say? “Sure let me run to your house now and make your dreams come true”. I’m so beyond the games. I just don’t understand.

Love this one! Is "forming impossible relationships with others" not onlly to have that safety net, in case of failure or rejection. Is it also to test themselves on how they feel in comparison to the one who's passing their gauntlet?

This was very helpful to understanding why this ex causes chaos in very good moments and is always testing me. Anywho….. I’m over it. It also helps me realize that our relationship was truly a fantasy. Time for me grow through it.

Great video! Would you consider sharing more abt how the relationship between you and your wife started and became stable over time?

Thank you for explaining my whole last relationship to me! You are completely right - he was teasing and provoking me with all his phantom exes all the time, he withdraw, kept all so mysterious, and in the major test - he touched another woman in front if my eyes in my favorite bar with all my university memories that I hadn’t visited 20 years. Before me he headed into holidays with married women and unavailables of other kind. It all fits. It’s his birthday today, and Im sad, but I cannot contact him. Somehow. Bc it doesn’t lead anywhere.

I feel like I'm a mixture of the avoidant and the anxious. In two long term relationships I did test them both to make sure they wouldn't leave down the line. In both relationships after I have tested them and they seemed to have pass, I fell deeply in love with them. I was on cloud 9, but not for long. The tests left them hurt and confused as to my sudden change in behavior and commitment. As they started pulling away, I became anxious and started showing those behaviors, pushing them away more. I think your theory is solid. I noticed it in myself just a few days ago and started watching you videos because of my own confusion as to what had happened and what I did wrong. Anywho, I like the theory. Upvote from me with about 9 years of doing this... gonna go find a way to change

It's insane how the difference between a narcissist and an avoidant is barely detectable, but the damage of being with one of them is the same. I was with an avoidant for only a year and a half and I'm going through the experiences of someone who got out of a relationship with a cover narcissist ... And no he wasn't a narcissist, he has lots of empathy towards me and others, he simply was a textbook DA and the empathy just caused lots of confusion to the mixture. If you notice one early on in the relationship, no matter how much they love bomb you and make you feel you're their dream partner, just RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

Them: I’m a very relaxed person. Sometimes people misconstrue my words and actions. Me: It’s confusing when you send me flying kiss emojis but didn’t intend on leading me down a rabbit hole as you said. Them: OMG! I send flying kiss emojis to everyone. It’s not just the avoidance of attachment and intimacy but also of awareness, empathy and accountability. They blame you for all your emotions while taking no responsibility for theirs.

I’ve had a long term relationship with a narcissist, which ended several years ago after raising 2 kids … recently started ‘dating’ a co worker, which has been the strangest experience. 2 and half months of stringing me along, saying all the right things to keep me interested, but emotionally not there for me and completely aloof to my feelings. And far as initiating contact, she is absolutely horrible at that. Couple of times I just decided to break it off for my sanity, but she comes right back and says the right things to reel me back in. After my previous experience with a classic narcissist personality, the mother of my kids, I thought this new girl was one herself. But I finally understand she is your classic avoidant. Never dated or got serious with one and it completely through me off. This information definitely helps and definitely a learning experience for future women I may meet. Thank u Chris !

We should all try to be as generous with others as is reasonable to be. Chris explains the minds of Avoidants quite well so I can empathize; I can understand why they do what they do. But, Holy Hellfire . . . the degree of self-involvement, centering all on the "self". It's astounding.

One of your best videos.

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.