Stay in - or Leave - a Relationship? 

Aw man. Who would want to leave a partner so fly

Kill the fantasy in your head that somebody is going to complete you or mKe you happy. Become the type of person you're looking for and then you'll never be alone even when you're alone. Establish a good reputation with yourself by always being honest and finishing the things you start, and simply, get excited about yourself. Start exercising, get some new clothes that fit perfect and look awesome, get tan, double down on your hygiene and most importantly, stop looking for somebody if you aren't happy in a room by yourself or spending nights alone. Being single is a great thing if you're willing to put in the effort it takes to be satisfied with yourself

Leaving an unfulfilling relationship hurts but staying in it destroys your life so make the step

if you are watching this you are going through some pain💔

Expectations kill happiness.

I find a small amount of confort in knowing that I will regret any decision I make, in these kinds of situations.

I'm so on the fence with my relationship right now. It's hard to leave someone when you feel like you'd be ripping their heart out by doing so. :(

This video has probably ended some relationships 😅

Someone on this channel is going through some shit.

Do whatever; but please stop having children in hopes it'll 'give your life and relationship more purpose/happiness'....your own happiness is your own responsibility, nobody else's....and the other parent is in your life forever.(which is guaranteed certain 'unhappiness' in most cases)

I left my bf because I realized that while he was committed- he & I wanted different things out of life and were simply not compatible long term. We were willing to work through any small issues but the small issues were just a cover for the large glaring incompatibilities that we had ignored when we began dating. It was a hard lesson to learn that there’s “normal” relationship strife & there’s “We can’t meet each other’s needs without sacrificing who we are” strife and you can only do so much before you make each other miserable.

What kills relationship is the expectations we put on the other person to make us happy. But we hardly ever think of their happiness.

The moment he said “Leave” at the end, my stomach dropped to the floor. How dumb am I? My life is so much better, happier because of my partner. This made it so clear. I need to work on myself, on being a better partner in order to improve my relationship. Thanks.

'children would rather be in a broken family, than an unhappy one' this one hits home. I'm no longer a child anymore but I'm sick of my parents fighting for just about my entire existence. I don't know how to tell em I want them to just end it and be in peace. anyway great video and insight.

The saying " Listen to your gut feeling" is very true. If something feels off and you keep getting that same feeling repeatedly don't ignore it. Better to leave and if you can do it amicably. If it's abusive just leave as safely as you are able. Nobody wins "living a lie"!

The breakup checklist, summarised: 1) How much of our unhappiness can be tightly attributed to this particular partner? Might similar feelings result from any attempt to live in such close proximity to someone? 2) In what ways might we ourselves be a bit hard to live with? 3) What do we manage not to fight about? Consider previous partners 4) Get to know your crushes better 5) Think about how many intelligent and sexually available people our single friends actually tend to come into contact with day-to-day 6) Have an honest conversation with your partner about your sadness 7) Think about how you would feel as a child of this pairing as it currently is vs under parental separation 8) Remind yourself that it might be rather normal not to have great sex after a long time together 9) Consider whether you’re ready to trade this familiar feeling unhappiness for a new and hopeful but more complex and lonely variety If you still have the impulse to leave the relationship, leave.

IF I GO THERE WILL BE TROUBLE IF I STAY IT WILL BE DOUBLE

I keep getting notifications from this, so I edited it. Now you'll never know what it said, nor why it has so many upvotes! Muwahahahaha.

This will literally save lives from being destroyed. Either from people in an unhappy relationship having the strength to leave- or by reminding those leaving on impulse that the repercussions are huge.

The hardest part is realizing that love is not enough. If something isn’t working, it doesn’t matter how much you love one another..

but with all seriousness if you base your relationship on your feelings, you'd really mess it up. Love is not just about feelings. It is that commitment to show affection to your partner regardless of how you feel. That's what makes relationships last.

He walks out the door, the light flips on in the baby's room, and my heart breaks.

I think in addition to this very wise list Alain wrote for us, we all should write our personal "checklists" too. A set of questions we might write with the insights we gained from all the mistakes we have made in the past, so that we don't repeat them again. So here is my checklist: 1. Is this still a curious person? Because a person who had stopped wondering about the world is half dead inside. You can try to help, but if he thinks it's perfectly fine, then there isn't much hope. Or is he turning into some kind of a sarcastic, arrogant, bitter intellectual who thinks he already knows it all? Then you must leave immediately. Those folks are unbearable. You will feel like coming out of a prison after you leave. An incredible relief I mean... 2. Do you still share the same values? Does he still believe in brotherhood, humility and the importance of leading a " meaningful" life? 3. Over the course of time, did you begin to notice many similarities he may have to your parents? Because that would mean that you might be implicitly looking for the same unhappiness you had in your childhood. As Alain put it so wisely: "We believe we seek happiness in love, but what we may actually seek is familiarity." 4. When he criticises you, does he do it genuinely to help you to be the better version of yourself, or is it rather to discourage you, to give you the feeling that you are inferior to him, and therefore you would "need" him to survive. ( Which is never the case for nobody.There is always "life" after that person. ) 5. Does he very often say that you are over sensitive? Then time to leave may be soon too. Fragility is a strength indeed. You feel hurt because you open yourself. That openness is supposed to bring you closer to the other person. Kindness is no weakness! Well, I never lived together with a boyfriend ( thank God), but I still feel that this little list is the result of a lot of thought , observation and unnecessary suffering. Male friends, please don't feel offended. If I was a man, I would ask the very same questions about a woman too. Thanks a lot for this very wise l lesson! The animation is wonderful too!

Our concept of hope tends to be stronger than our memories of good experience, so we're more likely to move on than to stay. But the problem is that we often don't see how good things are until we no longer have them. What a dilemma.

I can't decide what is best on this channel. The Information The Narrating The Animations or all together

I'd be unhappy too if I was dating a damn fruit fly

thought this was about the EU referendum

I love how they actually choose different species so that in no fucking way you people could make the video an issue about gender roles.

Luckily my ex girlfriend made this decision for me. I've put way to much effort in our relationship and was left out of a mood, about a month later she came back to me and told me she made a mistake. Thankfully she opened my eyes before that. I am much happier now without her. Always remember your energy is limited and valuable, don't waste it mindlessly.

It would be great if the video had subtitles. I don't know why, I had trouble focusing through the whole thing.

"Wonder whether you really want to choose hope over experience." This line clearly defines what I'm thinking right now and I'm crying over what to choose. :(((

I attempted to have a relationship. They wanted constant support and attention while dropping their problems onto me. I of course gave them the support and attention while essentially becoming a packing mule for their problems. They weren't there for me ever, I didn't know if I even was loved, and I felt extremely undervalued in that relationship. Breaking it off was like putting a dying animal out of its misery.

You will be sad either way.

I left... Then I got angry because once I was out I wished I had left sooner! When you start to ponder leaving, it's already overdue.

I think it's the refusal for communication because of the idea of a soul mate. Incompatibility is a thing in relationships, but people often judge themselves incompatible when the problem really is just a misunderstanding of each other. We all refuse to communicate after a certain point because we want someone who understands us immediately about everything. To love someone is to treat their needs as yours, and to commit to someone is commiting to understand and forgive them over and over again.

It's pathetic and destructive to stay or be in a relationship because "it's better than being alone" or "what if I can't find better than this?". SOme people are slaves to the opinion of strangers. Think about your own happiness. It is pathetic that most people base their own self value and happiness on what strangers think.

This guy sounds like he's narrating Lemony Snicket's: A Series of Unfortunate Events.

The timing on this cannot have been more perfect.

"face the risk of perhaps achieving no more than exchanging a familiar kind of unhappiness for a new and more complex variety of unhappiness" ... i know this isn't a comedy show but that's brilliance

I’m really glad that I found this video several months ago. This video helped me decide what to do with my relationship. After 5 years we finally decided that we didn’t meant to be together anymore. I felt really guilty that I will break his heart but when the day came of our breakup it turned out that he felt the same as me. And now we feel so much better and happy when we live our life separately without each other. My advice is that don’t rush breakup. First of all you need to analyze your relationships to smallest details and then you can make a decision what you truly need and want. For example I in our relationship felt not stable and I wasn’t sure if it’s gonna work from the beginning of our love. So 5 years I suffered from thoughts about separation. Take your time and just think is this person really makes you happy or do you just like the idea of having them by your side. 😊

Adele needs to see this video

It happens to any of us to be at the point of no return into a relationship!The best choice is to take a chance.If it doesn't work (still) separation will be a bliss ;) People have lost many things that ARE IMPORTANT in a relationship such as trust, respect, LOVE, understanding, comfort.....Both women and men are trapped by ideal love they've seen in the movies......Be realistic and try to understand that a strong relationship needs 2 GROWN UPS individuals whom are trying to build up something that will last for years!Best of luck folks!

Well I think it's safe to say cheating/lying and unwillingness to take the effort to show they can be trustworthy is a definitive deal breaker cuz who need that constant source of anxiety of not knowing if you can trust the person ,who's supposed to be closest to you, to have your best interests at heart and to have your back? I'm sorry but that's the type of negativity no one needs!

The hardest thing in a relationship is to give without expecting anything in return, but at the same time not being a doormat, and not giving up yourself for your partner. How people get this together, i do not understand.

2:18 "does she eat too much fish" dude fears for his life

A video about deeply loving "THE WRONG" person will be much appreciated . Thank you

I decided to leave. I would avoid watching videos like this for as long as I have these doubts cuz I was afraid this would lead me to a major crisis. Leaving someone who did no wrong and gave everything he had in the relationship is the most difficult decision I have had to face ever. I never was sure about leaving and I kept him in the dark for as long as I had these doubts. Not having a conversation about the way, I was feeling because I didn't want to hurt him was my biggest mistake. In the meantime I would feel that I was screaming on the inside while on the outside I try to keep going, as usual, I wouldn’t tell anybody about my mental fight cuz I was deeply ashamed. I would countless times try to reassure myself by repeating to myself, "this exists only in your mind", and "these doubts are not real, they only live in your brain". This plus other issues lead me to a point where I literally lost my mind and finally had to say "Oh dear lord, I'm in so much trouble" and was forsaken to face the huge wave that was about to turn my life upside down.

"Exchanging a familiar kind of unhappiness for a new and more complex variety" Wish I would've watched this shit before ending a 4 year relationship a couple days ago...

So you gotta let me know... Should I stay or should I go?

These characters are horrifying, thank god I didn't take my shrooms before watching this.

Relationships are mystical by nature. We start out waking together , when the timing is right or lust kicks in we have the bow chica wow wow. The incredible toe curling sex , works wonders if you keep at it. But.... But when the new rubs off and the junk piles up you have to both want it and work at it. If you are constantly exhausted from working at it solo, or your partner can’t be bothered 😕 it’s time to either talk it over or walk your way. The loneliest I have ever been was when I was married. I won’t try that again

It will be 3 years in august and now the relationship feels like a sentence. Long distance relationship and introvert partner is a deadly combo. I was so in love and now i feel hollow with all the silence between us.

This channel has helped me through many difficult times. It's comforting to know that my feelings are natural, and I am certainly not alone in them! Many thanks and lots of love x

How fucking convenient I'm literally outside my girlfriends house right now and we're about to talk about this

This was very emotional. Especially for me because I don't know if I should keep being friends with my "best friend" or leave.

oh gosh what a terrible approach makes you feel scared about being alone, what most of people already are so if you are in doubt probably you're not going to break up after this video of course there's a risk about being single but life is like that it's hard and sad sometimes but its better than to live a lie with someone being half person to this person its unfair to this person too being in a eternal doubt people should allow themselves to feel stuff to knew stuff to feel a little bit of freedom without the fear of being alone forever cause we already are alone and that's it

Best channel on RU-vid. Compelling and interesting uploads with humour and always seem to be relevant to me!

This is one of the best videos I've ever seen. It's so beautiful. You can see how every person that worked on this video did an amazing job.

this made me treasure the relationship im in now :) allthough its my first i feel like we really get along well and we have lasted for a couple of years now. Feels amazing to have someone by your side to support you in your life and to have something to protect from all the hassles of life. good video

When you encounter a problem in a relationship, fix it, don't leave

This was so FUCKING on point. I went through the same stages of wondering whether to stay or go and it was amazing how you've made me feel much less alone. A big fan of the channel, please keep making these wonderful videos!

I cried by the end of this video, when seeing the children. I’m a father who left my family for my wife’s cheating. It’s hard to confront that I actually wanted to pursue my career during this 17 years relationship. I almost gave up on my career for being a farther and husband. Then, I found out her cheating. So 8 months ago, I left my 3 years old child to pursue my dream. But the hardest part is woke up without my son. It’s painful. But deeply I know it was my choice. Thank you for making this video so I can have the courage to keep walking.

I seriously doubt those behind this channel see this five minute video as a be-all, end-all on the subject guys. sheesh. That said, whoever put this together, thank you. This five minutes actually really helped give me some clarity, and every once in a while it's nice to be reminded to check oneself.

Agreed this is one of the best yet.I had a crush that while imperfect was still a ray of hope, a wake up call to me that I was unhappy and settling with my partner at the time. When you lose yourself and bend your will or baseline values to accommodate someone else it's not worth staying. Good relationships should inspire you to grow not irk you to crave growth or force it upon an inherently mismatched dynamic. Thanks TSOL for breaking it down so eloquently as always.

Toxic relationship "leave" Long distance relationship "make it work" A Loving Relationship "Stay"

If you're already sad, you have no chance of happiness in the future. At least if you leave, there's some probability of finding real love. Bad relationships don't bounce back to great. They might become neutral, but then you might as well just live with a roommate.

if you want to defend a relationship, you will. You'll lift mountains and stir the sea. Even when you have to be at the losing side most of the time, you don't mind when what you win is a relationship, doesn't matter your cost. He is nothing everything for me to got drop dead over him, only living a sad life story that I kept feeling sorry for that I don't mind tolerating as much to keep him feeling fine. He was the one who kept treating me unwell and he was the one decided to leave me for good and ignored me for months. He was the one who told everyone came up with a new girl in his life a month later after the break and that was the ultimatum of me from hoping anything, not even to return back anymore. Been almost half year and he's been pleading for me to come back, and I'll never return. When he wants to just have a talk, I said no way I'm depressed just by seeing your face.

I'm going to call her.

Relationships are not for me. I already see a lot of suffering from most of couples entrapped in toxic relations, plus that I can't be tolerant with the same shit again and again, day after day. I sense that I'm kind intolerant. People tell me that I'm calm and peaceful, well, that's because I would just pass some hours with you, not every day of my life.

Being competent when it comes to emotional and philosophical issues, is extremely difficult in so many situations. Thank you for the great content!

Just got out of a two year relationship, me being the one breaking it off. I haven’t felt this freed and relaxed in a long time!

sometimes watching a school of life video that is completely irrelevant to the struggles I'm having (stressed about a uni project that I really don't enjoy any aspect of) somehow makes me feel a little more at ease.. I think it could be the general ease, comfort, and understanding tone that comes with the videos, but also the fact that it opens my mind up to what other people might be thinking, like, it forces me to look up from my selfish little fetal position that was cramping my neck.

The form of presentation is so enjoyable and calming. The ratio of voice volume and music volume is perfect. And as often the content might be not the absolutely best advice, but certainly a good one.

Love how gentle the narrator's voices are in these videos. This video was so thoughtful but also sad in the end, just like the ending of a relationship.

At the end of the day your responsible for your happiness and no one elses. If you're not happy you can't truly make the others around you happy. Don't stay in a relationship simply because you don't want to make the other person sad, everyone is in this boat. The longer you prolong it the more damage it'll cause. Try to be an open rational partner, sometimes people fall out of love, control your emotions and don't guilt people into staying with you. If someone truly loves you and is meant to be with you they will come begging to be in your life again and if they don't you were never meant to be together in the first place.

I transcribed and divided (while still retaining the structure of the video) the text into individual questions to ask oneself for easy reference: (One): How much of our unhappiness can be tightly attributed to this particular partner? And how much might it, as we would risk discovering 5 years in and multiple upheavals later, simply turn out to be an inherent feature of any attempt to live in close proximity to another human. (Two): Though it is of always essentially their fault, what tiny proportion of the difficulties might we nevertheless, be contributing to the discord? In what modest way might we be a little hard to be around? (Three): Consider all the annoying traits in all the previous partners we've had and people we've known that our current partners, happen not to have? What do we manage not, to fight about? (Four): Start to probe at any new infatuation or crushes, largely by getting to know them better. (Five): Observe closely how many sexually available and intelligent people -the single types around us- especially those hooked up to those new dating apps, actually manage to encounter day-to-day. (Six): Try to have another conversation with your partner in which you don't accuse them mendacity(the ​act of not ​telling the ​truth) and instead simply explain, quite calmly, how you actually feel and how sad you are about quite a few things. (Seven): Reflect on how you'd really feel as a child if, henceforth are going to have: Two tiny bedrooms, two new step-parents and possibly, a few more new half-siblings. Compare with the scratchy reality of the current set-up. (Eight): Question how normal it is for any couple it is to have great sex after 22 months together. (Nine): Ask yourself if you are ready to face the risk of perhaps achieving no more than exchanging a familiar kind of unhappiness for a new and more complex variety of unhappiness. Wonder whether you really want to choose hope over experience. Then if you still have the impulse to leave, with the chances of subsequent regret lessened at least a touch, with a heavy heart and a cautious mind; leave.

4:06 Hope or experience? Amazing.

These are really good points! Lovely animation. This video from school of life is actually brilliant.

in less than 2 months I heard "you're perfect!" "I think I'm falling for you" everything with you is so perfect it's scary" "I didn't expect this" "I love you" "I've never felt this way with anyone before" "you are wonderful" "when we kiss it is so passionate" "I get butterflies whenever I see you or hear from you" "this is scary" "I would do anything with you" "I just want to date other people to see if you're really the one" "a guy asked me out who I knew in high school and I want to date him". "just give me some space" "he races on weekends" "he's not as attractive as you" "we shouldn't see each other anymore, I'm sorry" when I asked her how she feels when she kisses him, she refused to discuss it and suggested that we never talk to each other anymore. I told her I didn't need people like her in my life. diagnosis: she's batshit crazy, or a gold digger, or both.

The illustration is just lovely-whacky

Perfect. My neighbors. A week ago, she was saying "my love, my love", now she's gone, packed her things and left. People use to say what they think they feel or should feel, not what's true in heart.

I swear i can’t get enough of this channel thank you so much

Brilliant and so true.. the problem is always perceived as the other person despite the one constant in all our failed relationships being ourselves :-) Nice job Alain!

I think these are very good points. Also it‘s important to put aside childish expectations: you won’t find a partner where you don’t go through crisis. Where you encounter problems that seem to not be fixable, standpoints, that aren’t compatible. My mom told me she and my dad first felt genuine love for each other when they overcome their first real crisis. But of course there are partners that treat their partner just bad, relationships without any substance to hold them together, really insurmountable conflicts, unforgivable things or just the lack of right strength to work through these problems. I think it’s more of a life task to find out, which relationship you can safe and which is better to leave.

oh my i LOVE the illustrations!! And quite inspiring content 😊👌🏼

Thank you for your work Alan, much appreciated!

I am a big supporter of these simple though highly useful videos. Thanks!!!

Am I the only one that feels relieved that I have a choice? I get in a bad state feeling over worked and under appreciated and I remind myself that I choose to be here. I am not obligated in anyway and there are always other choices I could make. I have been married before and getting a divorced seemed very final and defeating. Once I finally did get divorced it made every stressful decision less final. Things can always change. It might seem horrible now, but it can be better. That doesn't mean you should give up when it gets hard. Working hard at a relationship is worth doing. But if you are truly unhappy, it is best to leave and let both people get on with their lives. Don't throw good money after bad.

It would be really great if you could write the script in the description box because i always do replay the video at certain parts to hear that part again. Thanks

His voice really sells these videos. The information presented is substantial but the voice presenting makes for a pleasant palpability.

One of your best videos. Complicated serious subject handled deftly maturely and non-judgmentally. Great animation too.

Leaving my wife was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To this day, I'm still convinced it was the right choice, in spite of the challenges of re-entering singlehood brings.

I'm totally impressed by this video I loved it

this is my fav video of you! It's highly well done, the text is richly expressive , the voice incomparable as usual, and the animation bleeds creativity! Well done

extremely well made I can watch it over and over again!!

I would love so much if these wonderful channel would mention more often how trauma and personality disorders can lead to a loveless and sexless relationship, and that sometimes the difficulties are actually mostly on one person alone.

One of your best videos in a while

This is my most favourite channel not just on RU-vid but anywhere ❤

This video just put so many things into perspective for me. Thank you!

I wish I could have watched this video/heard this insight during my marriage. Thank you for making this.