I'm sponsoring now and i watch videos to help me with relaying the message. I found my step 4 was my actions and my using. I had to change me and my thinking in order to achieve the Me I wanna Be
I once had somone thank me for the hope I had given to him. He said, 'I hope I don't end up like you!' An open mind and a mysterious sense of humour at play, perhaps? Spread the message of Hope. It won't be wasted. Love you Dr Foster.
Thank you suggesting people do it according to the BB. Step 4 sole purpose is to get rid of resentments and fears and behaviors that block me from God. The directions in the BB are from pg 64-71. I did my first and only step 4, 31 years ago. My sponsor promised me that if I did a thorough one and then practiced step 10, I'd never have to do another step 4 again. She had me get a 300 page ringed notebook to list my resentments. I had to get another one! Seemed anyone who had passed through my life, I was resentful at! Lol And, after she showed me how to "refer to our list again" (pg 67) and do that work, I found it so successful that I took paper to meetings with me because inevitably, someone at the meeting was a target of a new resentment in my first couple of years!! I was very sick and thankfully, finally had a solution!! And today no matter what the seriousness of calamity in my life, step 4 is still my solution to keep me connected to God and clean and sober. Thank God for AA and the BB! ❤
As a new sponsor I started to listen to videos to help me sponsor and guide guys through the 4th step. Your video was incredibly helpful and for me in the right headspace to perform my duty as a member of AA.
"Embark on a journey of a lifetime that is going to change your life." Today, I am going to write, and I am looking forward to what I will feel during and after this exercise. Thank you
Great video, thanks KJ! I am a new sponsor as well and want to be as helpful as possible to my new charge. I take this as a huge responsibility! Thanks again!
Thank you, KJ for this. I am working on my 4th step now and will be using the categories you mentioned. I can see the benefit of writing down every person we've ever known. I'll let you know how it goes. I think that similar to repentance and forgiveness, the 4th step may need to be done multiple times in order to completely clean out my closet.
Thank you. I have 2 years plus 1 1/2 months sobriety and have been "stuck" on step 4. I will follow your lead tomorrow and list all of the people I have met in my life journey...very simple. I can do this!
Congrats on your sobriety, Barbara! I apologize for the delayed response. I've been sick for the past couple of weeks and just now starting to feel better.
Dont fret over step 4. AA is a group of like minded people enjoying each other's company. There is no reason for anxiety. Step 1 is the most important one.
I am so blessed to have found you...AA rocks... having convention in cape town first time face to face... AA women's group in Somers west first time in 35 years...healing rooms... chairing step 4 tomorrow... thank you God bless you ❤️❤️❤️
I’d never heard of doing your strengths at the end - that was encouraging. That way you see all your flaws and strengths at once and you can integrate them; accept the bad, but encourage more of the good. I’m struggling with emotional sobriety…I’ve never done a thorough fourth step and this makes it a little easier to look at. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Great video. I have 36vyears of uninterruptible recovery from alcohol and all mood and mind altering drugs. You helped me with your story, experience and resulting insight as a product of doing "the work". Thank you
I really love the peaceful introduction to your video, it always makes me feel calm and ready to receive your content. I agree that change starts with self-awareness and I have always found that reflection through writing really helps.
Aw, thanks Kisha 💜 I really like the melody of the music. It's funny, I always know when my husband is watching one of my videos because I'll hear the music from my intro. Thanks so much for watching!!
I am thoroughly enjoying your videos. Your kindness is so refreshing. Having just rejoined in person meetings, I am in the process of finding a new sponsor and doing the steps for a second time. I love that you say to inventory our strengths and good relationships. I am excited to practice all I am learning from you with future sponsees.
Hi there! Thanks so much. I am glad to know you are enjoying the videos. Enjoy the journey. Sounds like you are doing great and love that you are looking forward to sponsorship. There are so many out there that need you and will benefit from your experience and knowledge. Much good luck to you 🙏😊💟
Thanks KJ Yes for me the inventory style is perfect for the 12 step alcoholic who struggles to see 'their part in things', nothing is my fault. Also the need for brevity, shortness is aided by the inventory style. Obviously the other way is....write down your story.....
This presentation is simple and clear and great! Thanks for keeping it to just the fourth step. Great analogy with doing inventory of your closet! I’ve been doing the fourth step in my head and trying to move forward and it’s overwhelming and now I see how important it is to write it down! Thanks so much for this.
thank you , you are dead on and i apreiciate all your viedos it really is helping me journal and get the steps done in proper way, peace and love from vancouver bc canada
I have found the program for me is primarily how to live my life in a totally novel way to how I have in the past Acceptance, is the key And awareness is critically symbiotic to this Preparing to live life on life's terms and not trying to control everything. It's about always doing the next right thing in all aspects of our life. Then we can hit the pillow knowing fully we have done our best on a particular day. It's about keeping our ego in check. And losing the fear of what life is like when we totally abstain. It's about learning to live life sober This keeps us from using drink and drugs. Thanks for the video Ant p UK teacher retired
Lovely reply thanks ever so much. My life is so much better after going to AA. Sober 3 months Getting sober for me. Have a great sponsor. Step 3 has totally changed my outlook on life. Life is entropy. There is so much shit flying around us. In the past I would try and control this. Thismade my brain race It made me anxious. And then came my perceived pressure conduit of drink and drugs to help me deal with this. Now I have embraced step 3 (and I'm not a hugely religious guy) my life since has been filled with simple contentment. I accept situations for what they are. And accept that people in the situations are behaving like they are supposed to. Then I try to deal with things in a much more empathetic and reflective way. I'm not perfect. This doesn't always happen. And I get shit wrong. But the difference now is I keep my ego in check and accept responsibility for this and try to make amends. This is a program for living life. And it's one that in a very short period of time has radically transformed mine God bless Ant p UK teacher retired
Thank you for this video. My Sponsor sent me a PDF and as I printed out all the pages, I said this will take me forever! No way. I like your first list
This step was a great step for me. I saw patterns of my actions and it was actually pretty cool to learn more about why I did what I did. It is so important to work the step with someone you trust to help you see clearly and not beat yourself up
❤ My sponsor sat there and did the fourth step with me so that’s what I w sponsees and we do it out of the big book… I think that’s the best way to do it. For one, I’m not making arguments from authority - if they don’t like or agree or think that listing resentments from childhood is important I can just say “hey that’s just what the instructions say I’m not the one making this up” i’ve had people in the past who told me to answer the questions in the book 12 steps and 12 traditions and the problem with that is I’m looking at the problem through the problem; I don’t know that I can honestly answer what’s wrong with me. What’s brilliant about the resentment section in the big book is that I’m pretty good at identifying how people have wronged me at least better than identifying where I have wrong other people. That method flips the egos momentum on itself. I moved rapidly through it I think people usually should move rapidly through it. I probably miss some people but if I get a good coarse overview I can nail down the process. If I’m moving quickly I’m gonna be out making amends and doing nightly reviews and if I remember something you can pop up there and I can put it through the process again. The good stuff the attributes that comes out for me and looking at turning my thoughts into what God would have me be. All that stuff is already in my heart it’s just blocked by resentment and fear and my best effort of trying to raise satisfaction out of life by managing well. Thanks for sharing excellent video
Thank you so much for this. I have been struggling with step 4 for 15 years like you said I relapse, omg your suggestions are dead on and your explations are beautiful, I just.... I get it, untill I lose it haha get it? Any way, in Israel we say we love you, we love you, thank you keep coming back
Thank you so much, Maya! Sorry it took me so long to respond. I'm just seeing this today. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I love what you say in Israel... it's all about the love 💜💜💜
Hi JK, thanks for your step 4 video it has given the group, our group Sunday Serenity Group 12 steps and 12 tradition meeting every Sunday at 10am if your in Hervey Bay Queensland Australia. Thanks a bunch. Barry M
Hi Barry - Oh, how I wish I could join you in Australia! Perhaps one of these days I'll get there. If so, I would love to check out your Sunday Serenity group. Thanks for watching and for taking the time to introduce yourself! Have a wonderful day 😊
Thank you. My Sponsor sent me a PDF. As I printed all these pages I said no way!!!!! Thanks for the first idea. Just a list. I do not one to re cap everyone I have every one in my life. Then re live my past. I have done this with a therapist!!! Love the idea of one sitting. I am recovering and will the rest of my life. I feel such much pressure
Also it’s very important to remember for me like I remind myself that this is a 12 step program not a 4 step program. It’s really enlightening- the uncovering and discovering but the discarding is in working the remaining steps. I had the experience of understanding that a lot of my resentments were wrong and misplaced but they were still there a lot of them didn’t go away till I was out making amends some even took more time after that.
As with most instructions for fourth step, within two sentences is the instruction to list people you’ve known and resentment, and then also to write your character defects and attributes So I still don’t understand how to start and what is connected … But I have a sponsor now who is trying to help me unravel this and get some details about how to go forward with writing down my four step
There are a lot of details that may not be addressed. I think of the idea of a blameless inventory (Tony A's steps from ACA) and I think it could be taken further in that a big part of processing it may revolve around understanding the *context* rather than specific episodes. Speaking of which, episodic memory is apparently one of the two kinds of memory that makes up autobiographical memory according to some psychologists, the other being semantic. I imagine some may want to dismiss this out of hand as being overthinking it, but if the accuracy matters and if Step 2 is about clarity, (again Tony A's verbiage) and furthermore if there may be blocks or issues around remembering clearly then that matters. I get that it can be very cathartic if one just does a large part of it, being as thorough as possible, but being thorough in terms of checking things off is not the same as being thorough in terms of coming to understand the situations involved. BTW I don't know that anyone who use this version of the Steps would even be interested in looking at it this way but essentially I'm saying trying to look at it dispassionately in terms of the network of cause and effect rather than a confessional kind of dynamic that might be more of a factor of traditional religious values. We all know shame is a huge issue, yet if done in this way I wonder if some will judge the person as not being sorry or repentent, when in fact it's simply an impersonal and attempt at being objective without being weighed down.
Let me just add one little thing: If looking at it this way is the norm, where people really want to understand and are not at all interested in judging oneself or others just to condemn, then doesn't it stand to reason people would be a lot more comfortable sharing things, and would be more likely to have more self disclosure? We say you're only as sick as your secrets, and anonymity works with that of course and you just share with one person like the sponsor, but imagine for a moment a whole group of people where it just isn't about judgment and because it's about understanding with enough of an interest, then they're also not going have so much knee jerk reactions. Maybe it's a pipe dream but we can imagine it is possible at least right?
Hi there - sorry for the late reply. Just catching up on my comments. Glad to hear you have a sponsor and you're doing the deal. Wishing you much luck with your recovery. Thanks for watching.
i had trouble i=with step 4, i finally just did it exactly as shown in the big book.. I now use that for all kinds of things.. Seems that people end up over complicating a simple inventory
I have wrote around ten a4 papers of text and im still at my gindergarden age. I think it will be another 20 pages or so before i'll go to the school... This will probably take hundreds of pages. Maybe even over a thousand. Im kinda overwhelmed but im gonna do it and it doesn't matter how much time it takes. I've already managed to get my ego under control and im feeling fucking amazing right now. What a feeling, i wish everyone could experience what im talking about. Many of you know exactly what im talking about. Good luck and may God bless you all, or whatever you're believe in.
step 4 terrifies me more than anything in my life. i can’t do it . i’m too scared of the pain that awareness will cause me. i just want to avoid it. idk how to start
I would follow the advice of your sponsor. And remember, this is an inventory of your assets and your liabilities. Nothing to fear here, it's all about awareness and how to start practicing a healthier way of living.
I imagine your personality and the personality of your sponsor counts for a LOT. We can imagine the big difference between a strict, militant even approach vs. someone very compassionate who you would feel safe opening up to. (and different things work for different people at different times) I know both positive and negatives are included by many now but realistically, given even a general knowledge of how people are psychologically with negativity bias and such I don't know how realistic it is for mentioning that to make a significant difference. Also I have to go back to how it isn't just a matter of positive vs. negative, understanding isn't a matter of that kind of accounting, it's about tracing the whole trajectory of our life and circumstances which may take even more work. We say look ourselves in the mirror, perhaps a good sponsor serves that purpose in some way - like when we have a hard time seeing ourselves in a compassionate way they can do that and also model by seeing themselves in a compassionate way, which doesn't mean one takes less responsibility - just not adding extra suffering on top of things.
Most sponsors I found treat step 4 as solely a self abasement exercise. Beat yourself about the head with blame, regardless of what others did. BS. Wrong way to do it. In fact, in my opinion, if you want to get ànd stay sober, use a different, more modern program like SMART or LifeRing. They focus more on neurobiology and neuroscience that was non- existent when AA was formed. Even in the big book it states that there may well be other ways to get and stay sober. AA is just one method that works for some people and not for others
I've definitely hit my bottom and tired of using arrogance and cynicism as defense mechanisms. I used to scoff at AA, but I definitely see now what it has to offer. I can already see that I'm going to make excuses not to do step 4 ( I started and quit after 30 minutes) Hopefully I can press through and do it because another relapse scares me to death. Also, any advice on using mood stabilizers while working the steps?
I recommend you speak to a psychiatrist or additionologist about the mood stabalizers. There are a lot of people in the AA community that will tell you you're not sober. Don't believe them. That's BS. Mood stabalizers can be very beneficial for helping you get through the first few months without relapsing. The important part is that they are being prescribed by someone with a lot of experiene working with people who are recovering from substance use disorders AND that you are regularly monitored AND don't discontinue use without first consulting your dr.
Deeper n deeper awareness of my survival instincts and herd mentality allow me to go whoa I’m at the mercy of life and others acceptance. Exhausting. Now I need a drink. God take over my life. Boom I’m smiling again.
I struggle to overthink everything! This will be my second time working on the 4th step. Do I make a list of people that I resent now? Or everyone I have ever resented even though we’re cool now?
Only the ones you resent now. Also, don't forget the positive side of the 4th Step. The 4th Step should also look at your strengths (i.e. positive characteristics and healthy relationships).
That's really hard to say, as some people need longer on certain steps than others. Also, some sponsors move their people through the Steps very quickly and some take longer. I took 11 months to complete my Steps and averaged about a Step a month. I also worked a full-time job and was a single mother of 2 boys at that time. It really just depends on the time you have to commit to it and the sponsor you are working with. My advice is to take as much time as you need to do them thoroughly but don't waste time either, if that makes sense.
