Story of my life! Every example. My long texts, his freezing, not replying, needing space. I’m anxious and extremely affectionate and intense. It’s exhausting for both of us😩☹️😣 Stonewalling & shutting down often is also his pattern.
Yeah, anxious people need to learn to not insist that their partners communicate the same way. The more earned secure i become the more i am a direct and concise communicator. Ask yourself.... am i communicating or vomiting on this person? You should always be considering if you are communicating in a way that person can hear. And texting is never for important or conflict conversations. Ever.
Texting is useful if you need to be able to track the conversation. If I needed to do this in a romantic relationship I'd leave but attachment theory and communication skills apply to all sorts of relationships.
I was told kindly that I’m over communicating and over analyzing. I’m grateful he was kind that made it easy for me to accept the truth in his words. I’ve changed a lot since then, and continue to learn. Thank you for your video.
BRIANA everything you said is absolutely true!!! Over explaining is a trauma response and they can smell it from a mile away = you are becoming dependent on their validation = them running away from you to SELF PROTECT
These wounds were inflicted through relationship, and we must heal them through relationship. This doesn't mean we need to find someone to fix us--only we can do that for ourselves. But either within the dynamic of two wounded but consciously healing individuals or a wounded but healing individual paired with a secure individual, our healing will be expedited ❤️
I sometimes over verbalize when trying to communicate. I completely understand why Brianna is saying it's a trauma response because we're just trying to fix things. But I've learned to listen better to my partners needs because I've had other partners stonewall me because of their own past trauma and inability to express in the moment what they're feeling because of being overwhelmed by me, the conversation, their past or just all of it. I think that we think that just pushing through and talking will fix the situation but it won't necessarily. We just need to sit, be present and actively listen without finding a need to constantly jump in and say whatever we feel due to our conditioning from our past. We need to sit with ourselves 1st and connect before we try to talk about big feelings with our partner. Meditation is our friend.❤
Yes. Trauma upon Trauma response. Repeat. I wonder if hypnotherapy will help to touch the deeper root pf fear and rejection. Even when I believe we mainly respond to inconsiderate or even emotionally abusive ppl, it could make our triggers less intense and peace more stable.
So good to have you back, Briana. You are one of the few intellectual and really deep psychologists. Please stay with us regularly like the years before.
Good stuff! I'm definitely guilty of over articulating over text and trying to fill the void or maintain control when my anxious brain tells me the subject of my affection is not engaging enough. I recently delt with an avoidant who triggered a strong anxious response in me as I clamored for more connection & found myself desperate to flood the zone with words of affection. Stepping back & allowing time to pass while I got busy in other areas of life has allowed me to realize how delusional I was about this person and how quickly I placed them on a pedestal. I really need to work on breaking this pattern of response as it has only led to unfulfilling engagements.
Thank you for commenting and sharing a bit of your experience. It sounds like you’ve gained a lot of insight about yourself from that relationship. And there is great strength in recognizing the lessons.🙏💕
I needed this so badly two months ago. Over articulating due to abandonment trauma hits home, and honestly makes me feel sick to my stomach. Your example at the end of the bf/gf was my friend and I. I am anxious by nature and I’m learning as well in attachment style. I never thought to learn of my attachment style because I don’t like being “attached”. I’m learning soo much from you. Thank you. It’s a shame it’s too late at this point but moving forward I really need to check myself! So grateful. TY!😊
I like and resignate with saying anxious by nature and now identifying that it is in your attachment style. An ah ha awareness I am so glad to begin understanding. I have definitely been ghosted by friends and spouse by my overtexting…trying to stop it!
Lots of people demonising avoidant attachment styles but don’t realise that anxious attached people are legit annoying AF with their constant neediness and selfishness. Everything is about them, consistently, and that energy is a put off.
Great stuff. You’re amazing! It just cements what I learned recently…after several long, emotional texts that he didn’t respond to (or only responded to the factual parts), a light went off. I texted, “I noticed you don’t respond to my emotional texts. Is that because you’re overwhelmed?” About 15 minutes later I get a one-word response: “Yeah.” 😂 Ope! So I said, “OK, I’ll back off.”
Thank you Briana. After my bereavement I found myself on the dating scene and it's not until now that I've learned about attachment theory. My current partner has confused me with his regular stonewalling. As a securely attached person, a yoga teacher and coach I've offered empathy and patience but I'm exhausted now. To me, problems need to be discussed and resolved and it's frustrating when your partner doesn't share that belief. After a year of hot and cold treatment I think my empathy has dried out. In the process I'm noticing he brings out an anxious side in me that I've never experienced before. More than anything I feel sad. Both in our 50's, similar energies, but I know that his desire to pull away stems from fear and low self-esteem. He's had a huge trauma in his life but he needs to heal and I would have supported him. Not sure I can cope with avoidant tendancies very well and that's for me to work on. I'm pretty heartbroken.
I'm sorry that happened to you and hope for the better in your future . I can understand how you feel for empathy to run dry and you're really putting in the effort to shoe support .
Same for me his response was " I don't even call my parents and I don't like my voice, so I will never call you " 🤐🥺. It's over within 2 months ,he just wanted sex and , no strings and no tears so I left him alone
I relate to this and can now see I’m guilty of long texts. This person has been breadcrumbing me for years, texting me all day every day, makes fake promises and fake talk about meets that’s never happen (we did meet a few times in the beginning and we were intimate) - and over time I get so let down and hurt they don’t follow through on their words, resentment grows and spills out onto emotional outbursts over text. The person shuts down and barely responds and ignores or gets dismissive and defensive back. I feel trapped. I know I should move on but feel so traumatised by it all I am struggling to, and feel deep shame I have put up with such crumbs and you want to salvage something out of all that wasted time but you can’t. When someone is avoiding communicating or seeing you in person or calling much (despite pretending they want to meet and talk in a flirty sexual manner with you and give the illusion its a relationship) there’s no outlet for the emotional hurt that builds and it just becomes a cycle. They’re already very avoidant, you’re pushing them further away with emotions, they won’t acknowledge your feelings or ever talk and the whole thing breaks down and becomes toxic.
Time to become securely attached, work on your self concept. And break the cycle once and for all. And possibly heal the deeper mother/father wounds as to why you are this way? Speaking from experience over here .... major daddy voids/wounds and I am being hit with a million tonne of bricks learning my attachment styles (fearful/dismissive avoidant and then anxiously attached once I've pushed them away enough 💔💔💔🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️) and how I have played out toxic unhealthy emotional rollercoasters every single relationship!!!!! 😭😭😭
Oh my gosh you just described all that I went through from oct- now! It's heartbreaking and he blames me and says " I warned you that I would disappear and will do it again !? But then promises to go 🎿, and dinner and hiking and it's all lies! I ended it MLK day and just unblocked him recently to make amends . He now says ,he's emotionally uncomfortable and unattached to move forward . I'm glad I dodged a bullet . I deserve better ,just wish I never interrupted my celibacy for him 😤 😔
Sometimes we have to be shown these challenges in life to get to really understand ourselves. I don't feel I've wasted my time, instead I've learned more about why I accept unhealthy behaviours. You can grow from this. It's OK. You can now be more discerning and be more mindful about what you can accept and what behaviours you do not want to accept. Wishing you peace and love ❤
Your videos are truly life changing for me. I found you by accident and you’ve opened my eyes to so much and I really resonate with how you talk about things. Thank you ❤
Yes, I over-articulate. NON STOP. But, I have actually asked my partner if he wanted to hear my word-vomits and such, and he LIKES it. It's because we had HORRIBLE communication in our past. He says this is wonderful and makes him happy - because he is able to understand me better. I'm also ADHD, so it makes it HARD to be consise from that. It's not just my trauma past, it's also my ADHD. If he didn't WANT it, I wouldn't share with him to the thousands of words that I do... But he DOES respond with hundreds and thousands of words himself. We also don't spend time together in person often due to distance. So this is our way of connecting too. :) Whether it's appropriate or not depends on the situation to a point. :)
PS - I would prefer phone calls INSTEAD of texting. But I have two kids that would be uncomfortable with overhearing me being honest and open all the time. Also, that makes HIM be very nervous on calls because of misunderstandings. I PREFER face to face, or even getting tone indications during a chat.. but I can be more thorough in text for all the things in my crazy insane head. And we are both exploring and discussing our old issues within ourselves, the positives and our struggles together.
I just did this long text thing 😂 but I have a hard time saying it in person so eh but I’m learning still now that I can see how it can be triggering to an avoidant I’m just more communicative through written words.
Sometimes avoidantly attached people can't handle face to face conversations, so I understand why you feel texting is better....it's just less intense and confronting for them. I might be wrong but that's what I experienced with my avoidant ex.
Thank you for articulating this topic so well! It really resonated and filled in gaps of my understanding about avoidants. I didn't realise that my texts could be perceived as lengthy/verbose (it wouldn't be lengthy to a secure/ anxious type) which explains now why he went silent/ ghosted me. I'm just not sure if he wanted to break up or just needed a lottt of space and is fearful of reaching out (it's been 5 months of no contact!) Very useful insights. Good luck to anyone here who like me is wondering about the next move and how to initiate a short text.
so accurate about over-verbalizing, especially using text messages. when I start feeling anxiety about sustaining the energy and attention, it's hard to not start fanning the dying flames. Texting feels like crumbs though and will not sustain.
Disorganized probably. Have experienced both roles depending on the dynamics of the relationship. What helps me when anxious attachment emotions manifest is to write letters to them that don't ever get sent. Helps clearing all the thoughts even though they aren't necessarily heard. Thank you Briana!
Oh my gosh I dud this and wrote a letter and even addressed it. Problem was I placed a stamp on it and picked it up with my regular outgoing mail. HE received it 2 weeks later YIKES!! and I had forgotten about it . Long story short he wrote me a text saying " I warned you that I wanted FWB and stop forcing things "etc etc. I simply wrote that it was an assignment from therapy ,and I wasn't intending to upset him ,but had to get my feelings out. I told him to be clear we are just acquaintances now and I live my life ,he lives his
What enlightenment. My wife and I are both FAs. I lean anxious. I am the verbose one. The one extra challenge I can see we have is that neither of us speak the same language and our entire relationship is through interpreter although we are both learning the other’s language. It was like an epiphany for me to understand that my big texts are a trauma dump and I can see her struggle with dealing with it. I have been in therapy for a year and she starts literally today. My challenge is going to be minimizing texts as well as removing content that is essentially me venting. Thank you
When I explain, I get into the details to get the Deeper, Not surface and shallow. If they don't seem to get it with concise and minimal words... how do they get it?
I’ve been recently learning about attachment styles and have just found your channel . Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge about these dynamics. I really appreciate how in-depth you go and the fact that you talk about the importance of releasing/changing our energy via pursuits that fulfill us, in order to be better connected & present for ourselves and others. I also love the names you’ve come up with for the anxious (open hearts) and fearful avoidant (spice of lifers) ; they resonate with me..I’m a spice of lifer! I look forward to watching/listening to more of your content . Thanks again 🌟
Then they need to make themselves available for direct verbal conversations!! They draw things out too long and don't seem to value communication as directly as possible. I'd much rather talk face to face or on the phone. Avoidants could also work on expanding their bandwidth, being forthcoming and transparent about their inner process. If they Show Up in other ways I wouldn't be forced to write texts or emails. Right? How else if we aren't together in person and not on phone... what works? Where is the Conversation. So much has been misconstrued in writing!
Thank you for watching and for commenting. Gently,what stands out to me in your comment is the idea that you were forced to write comments and text messages because they haven’t reached out to you. I might have you look at that for a moment, because there’s likely an inner child that feels like unless they work really hard, then no one’s gonna love them or connect to them. And so your left working really hard for every scrap of attention and care you receive. That’s not the love you want. If they don’t respond to you in other ways, you let them go and move on. Because they just gave you all the information you needed to do so. I saw your other four comments, but they seemed more like you were thinking out loud, and it was difficult to respond to them. But I appreciate you watching and sharing your feedback.
Learning this the hard way. Wish I had the info during my relationship. Now I am focusing on healing my anxious attachment style and connecting deeply with myself. Thanks for your clear and balanced video.
Your insights always blow my mind. How do you know all of these things? It's like you're strumming my pain with your finger. Wish I'd known all of this over 20 years ago!
Exactly about the Avoidant doesn't need to Agree. They seemed so clueless and lacking such empathy that is hurtful and frustrating. I would give example to have them try to Feel or attune "what if you.. and this..." and the DA would say "Oh that wouldn't bother me at all." So they would just shrug, feel at a loss, judge. DA I knew liked to act like a therapist when they haven't even had it themselves. Can still give empathy if a loved one says "when you did this, it impacted me in this way" so for them not to express care, after trying over and over.
I am so guilty of doing this. I didn't realize I was doing this until I come accross it on the internet. Since then I've learned to back off considerably but maybe it's still a little too much for my girlfriend. I'm in a long distance relationship for over 1 1/2 years. There have been a lot of ups and downs. We even parted ways for 4 months but got back together. There's still work to be done. Thanks
Oh hun. If I am writing long text messages, it’s to wrap up a relationship and end things by getting all my feelings out. When I write long text messages, it’s because there hasn’t been enough short ones to keep a connection going.
Thank you for watching and for commenting. Gently, I might ask, why are you holding onto them until this point? If there hasn’t been enough connection all along the way, I would recommend finding ways to communicate that in the moment, rather than letting it build. And if you allow some of that to be shared preemptively, even if you’re not able to get your needs met with that person, it won’t feel so acrimonious at the end, because you’ll know you gave it your best shot, and it’s just not compatible. Then, you can move on with ease, and there won’t be a need to unleash. Best wishes on the journey 🙏💕
Agreed I gave it my best shot. He used me to get his car fixed ,then texted 1 morning " good morning gorgeous I'm going to disappear. His stonewalling went on two weeks then I confronted him and it blew up ,badly! I blocked him . Sadly we work together but I'm at peace ✌ and hop that he stops substance abuse to hide his pain
@@christalhardy8771 Substance abuse good one. It's very draining and tangible when someone does it. I hate that ppl often assume that we are automatically anxious attacked or clingy bc I'm easygoing and have my own daily life. It's not about wanting texts all day but all we want deserve is basic respect and equal appreciation. Problem is that we feel that nonchalance in their energy in the silence so can be hard to discern their true heart.
@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 Yes he smokes 🚬 weed + takes RSO plus does other drugs and his mood swings at each pendulums. It's not for me to walk on eggshells so I distance myself and so glad I refused sex with him . I'm sure he's entertaining some other female but I am at peace and told him I would be cordial but he needs help ,trauma therapy and to do better
I’m so so grateful to have found this video at the perfect time before I torpedoed my relationship with my anxious attachment to my FA /DA partner , literally everything you have said describes the situation..I would text word vomit on my person and when they wouldn’t respond I would get anxious like maybe I didn’t see the situation clearly and end up deleting the message. Then in order to be more clear I feel I have to keep the messages so short I can’t say all of what I wanted to, so I really really have to pick and choose my battles sort to speak. On top of that I know these conflict conversations should happen in person not through text but I get so anxious and my brain shuts down and I can’t confront them . I feel like a hot mess and overthinking and ruining everything , so I went back to keeping text short and sweet only and not really connecting. 😔
Guilty here, that’s why I am trying my best not to flood him with all my rants, complaints, all my stories good/ bad etc… good thing now is he will tell me ahead of time if he won’t be able to talk much as his work is so demanding. Always on the road or in a mission. And busy doing all his stuff. But sometimes my insecurities kick in that he has an another girl that one time I flipped out attacking him. And he was so upset. 😢
I went through this face. No longer doing grown to a new level. Thanks B.M❤ Have a great day! There is also new information i can work on from you. Thanks😊 valuble info!
I definitely am seeing a lot of this in starting to get to know the person I am interested in. When we go on dates it feels very open and relaxed, and I have this deep but gentle emotional attraction to her that I haven't really felt before. I am anxious and I believe she is avoidant. But since there is a bit of distance involved, most of our communication is done over text with the occasional call when we "hang out". I have been trying but really been struggling to not take it too personally when she doesn't respond for 3 or so days, and have been trying not to message much if at all during that time. I still end up really confused on whether she even likes me or not despite the obvious signs when we have gone on in person dates. I have been trying to fight the feeling that I have to keep things going/ make future plans out of fear that if I don't, nothing will happen and it will all disappear. I know the struggle is worth it, and I want to improve, but damn is it tough and confusing for me.
Thank you for watching in for sharing a bit of your experience. It sounds like you just need clarity around what the expectations for communication and connection might be. Have you asked her how often she likes to communicate by text, phone call, or otherwise?
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I honestly haven't directly asked her, and I definitely will! I think I may need to dial back my expectations a bit, as most of them are based on my past relationships. I think for her, being in university it is less a personal thing and more an "out of sight out of mind" type of thing. At least I hope.
I would also ask her if she is interested in a relationship or just "hanging out" just so you have clarity also on what are her expectations. Also who does not look at their phone at least 20 times in the day and there is no excuse for not answering a text at least by the end of the night. Just be careful it seem like you like her a lot and it sounds like she is too relaxed which tells me she may not like you as much. I hope this was helpful.
@@ronanbax6102 I had the exact same experience with a man. I still miss himm he would gp quiet for 3 days or reply after 2 days. Said he really liked me etc. Eventually i broke down in month 4 told him we are not compatible i regretted it instantly but i felt so hurt and stressed. I tried to adapt. We only called twice after i ecoressed my confusion he called to talk about expectations. That made me feel he cared. We disconnected and I felt sad for 2 months bc it felt special but maybe he felt differentm idk. He said he is emotionally unavailable.
Here's my question. If an Avoidant co-writes RPGs online, major writing, like DnD campaigns, and they cant wait to read pages and pages of fantasy, and respond with their characters next moves, and yet cant respond "got it! Will respond soon!" To a text rather than waiting a week? They just don't like IRL relations? Yes good points abt old skool stuff. But millennial know Tons of ONLINE and written socializing and gaming. NoT learning conflict resolution?? AND the Avoidant i had bonded with actually likes to talk for hours on end with others. Waiting for DA to step up and initiate. Weeks. Months. Asking directly and yet they didn't learn to be considerate. Smh. I was the one trying to bring the avoidant down into their heart and body and balance the wisdom in Those connections balanced with intellect and critical thinking. Sigh. If they can socialize online for 8 hours why can't they take 2 minutes to read a text and respond in one minute and then call within a few days? Online socializing more important.
I agree with your assessment about texting, emails, letters, etc. However, in my relationship that just ended, I did not follow my own beliefs and knowledge. The primary reason is because it was long distance. I don't see anyone in this RU-vid space addressing attachment in long distance relationships, where verbal & written communications are the primary way of connecting. How does one navigate the anxious-avoidant relationship trap when long distance or is that even possible?
I'm feeling challenged by this. However, what you are describing makes a lot of sense. I thought that longer messages would be received well if they were like little updates and all positive, kind words. but i can see now my own feelings of wanting to be heard, seen and loved and how all of that emotion coming across in words/energy might be overwhelming for an avoidant-tendant person. I'm curious about how long distance relationships really work out?
Thank you for watching in for sharing a bit of your experience. I’m glad that you found the video content helpful. Long distance relationships are very hard, and I have not found them to be very successful, unless there is a plan for ending the long distance part. Additionally, if there are insecure attachment styles involved, sometimes it is the distance which makes the relationship functional. So when you try to make it more intimate, or to evolve the relationship, push-pull dynamics start to increase. It just requires a lot of very clear communication, and in this case, I would highly recommend phone calls, or FaceTime as opposed to text messages.
Lol. DA I loved Talks A LOT. Just not with the person most intimate with. How do I know? We worked together and everyone could hear them talking through closed doors. 6 hours straight. Not always with their client but alot about themselves and their inner world. So how would I as the close secure leaning FA-anxious when with the confusing dismissive person, supposed to feel when the DA talks and writes personally with everyone else?
The man discussed in the example near the end of the video does not seem like a dismissive avoidant in the sense that I can’t imagine a dismissive avoidant writing a therapist to describe an interaction and articulating his intention and responses. My experience with a dismissive avoidant is to shut down, blame, and become the victim. I have a hard time connecting to what is being talked discussed. It doesn’t resonate.
My spouse went and cheated and we haven't spoken for 6 months, after I had written long messages of about 7 lots of 2 paragraphs in the space of one week. (about how I feel about him never being able to apologise or communicate) He actually ghosted me and kicked me out of the house. So my attempts to conenct and trauma response of him being emotionally unavailable, completely backfired. I accused him of having a closed heart and said I wanted better treatment.
@@ijustneedmyself thanks it actually has taken me this long to only just realise it wasn't my fault. And your message confirmed it. Crazy but healing takes time, God bless you and the other person for your kind replies!
I’m not a big fan of long distance relationships in general, but if they are to work, there needs to be a plan for the long distance part to end. And both parties have to be pretty good communicators. In this case, I would doubly discourage lengthy, text conversations or communications and focus primarily on the phone conversations and FaceTime.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Thank you for the response Briana, and all your brilliant content, helping me navigate the deep, dark & confusingly wild waters of relating🙏 I guess your answer confirms what I already knew really... 😔 He & I are not great communicators (imo anyway - it is lop-sided, where I over articulate & he is very 'economical' with words) & he is also avoidant of phone & video calls, or plans to meet... We have a kind of emotional emoji language to partially cross the void, but I crave so much more depth, transparency & clarity... & yes, I feel I do *need* articulation from a partner! How else do you get to know how someone feels, unless you *are* physically together...? But you have in fact already said, & I guess that's the answer - get off internet texting & focus my energies on 'real life' 3d interactions, because really I know this current situation is not going to resolve itself. It's just very hard to let go of the trauma bond! But I know it must be done, because this pairing is not a true partnership 🥺 Thanks for the fresh wake-up call, bless you Briana 😤🙏💫
I just started talking to a man in Brazil who said he visited his cousin in a town near mine. Told me he is an Electrician and liked my country a lot and if he will move here after finding work, he would be happy to date and build sonething real and lasting. He seemed authentic not the typical scam love bombing but I'm not 100 sure. He asked me to bare with him bc of time zone. He suggested to call if i feel comfortable. I didn't feel pushy behavior. But now he is quiet after I shared maybe to much :( He said he would reply after his cartrip but that's 9 hours ago. This dating is really up and down.i know I just need to feel happy in my own life but still, I never ignore someone this long. I just assume he is gone. Meanwhile hoping tomorrow he will text. I feel pathetic but I also like to believe that I feel sonething is off. I just need to control myself and not make my point in text. If he is heartless or rude, my text won't do any thing. Well maybe closure for myself. The cruel part is he texted " if you need me you can textme and I will reply later when I can So this sudden twist is making it annoyingm want to to tell him to plz not use big words from the start. What am I doing. Sleep and tomorrow wake up in MY life.
