Stop Playing Small to Manage Emotional Triggers 

Self- Suppression 1. You confuse living simply, with self-neglect 2. Your living space is cluttered & dirty 3. You don't exercise 4. You go to bed feeling guilty about what you ate 5. You don't buy decent clothes 6. Your car is full of litter 7. Your desk or workspace is cluttered 8. You don't buy yourself clothes that look good on you 9. Your underclothes are tattered 10. You suppress your romantic life 11. You love someone but you don't tell them 12. The person you love doesn't love you but you hold on 13. You date someone for years but don't commit 14. You have a partner who loves you but you are not faithful 15. You are in a relationship that you know can't last but you don't leave 16. You'd like to have a partner but you don't meet people 17. You wish you had friends but believe "people are terrible" 18. You never have people over 19. You complain and gossip about a friend but don't talk to them about it 20. You know it's your friend's birthday but you don't send a note 21. You don't say hello to people you pass in the street 22. You avoid the neighbors when you go outside 23. You have people you love but you don't stay in touch 24. When a dog or cat greets you on the street you ignore it 25. When you join a group you become critical & leave 26. When you go to a potluck you don't bring a dish or help clean up 27. You go to 12 step meetings but don't work the steps 28. You believe that life is unfair & won't let you succeed 29. You can't advance at your job because you lack skills but you don't learn them 30. The knowledge you need is free online but you don't learn it 31. You live burried in debt & can't make any changes 32. You don't get medical & dental checkups 33. Your living space has nothing beautiful 34. You'd like to get a pet but don't get one 35. You feel resentful around happy or accomplished people (shame/avoidance) The solution is to begin expressing who you are

I worked in a shoe shop once where an elderly lady started working, we became thick as thieves-she opened up to me once and said that she decided to get a little job because she realised after her husband passed she was so lonely she would go and buy milk every day for that 5second interaction with the cashier. My point is, a 2 second hello might be an inconvenience for you but it could be the other person's lifeline.

I have gotten more out of this woman's RU-vid video than any counselor that I have had. This Fairy is actually trying to help where other counselors have barely share any advice.

This 32 minute talk is like 6 months of therapy and life coaching combined. My brain is trying to process all of it.

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i don't know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her

Wow this was eye opening. Subconsciously and consciously recognized almost all 40 of these in my mom, and realized why I cannot stand her resentful martyr energy. More importantly, I recognized many of these in myself, even if it is to a less intense degree. I lacked insight into how much of her martyr play small energy I had adopted myself. Thanks for this list, now I have a road map of how to start showing up more purposefully for my life.

You have a knack of releasing a video that says *exactly* what I need to hear, even when it's hard to hear. Your videos have been so enlightening for me, I'm truly grateful for all these insights. Thank you x

Have you been peaking into my life? Amazing how many things are exactly me, yet I feel continually stuck and struggling to do what I know is right and healthy for me. It’s so frustrating battling myself though I know, somewhere inside me, that I deserve so much better. We all do.

I used to have crippling self consciousness, from watching what I said or thought or did all the time. I was incapable of being who i was because i was thinking too much about how it would be perceived. I felt like everything I said was stupid. It got worse in some situations. I can't believe I lived like that for so many years.

Thank you for this video, Anna. I’ve done so many of the things you’ve discussed, but I want to comment on friendships specifically. I was friends with someone in my 20s who was stunning and a little arrogant about it. My self-esteem was so low, and I felt so ugly around her, that I finally reached a point where I just couldn’t be around her anymore. I basically slithered away with no explanation. I reconnected with her about 10 years ago and resurrected our friendship. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer, initially thought to be stage 1 but actually was stage 4 and terminal. We developed a closer friendship than we’d ever had in our 20s, and I found out that despite her looks, she had never felt good enough either. It was all bravado. I was devastated when she passed away a few years later, and I really miss her. I wish I hadn’t wasted all that time. Life is so strange sometimes, but I’m so happy that I reached out to her when I did.

Dogs can travel and are happy as long as they're with you. There are resources all over with pet friendly lodging, establishments, and if its a small enough dog, it can even travel in the cabin with you with proper planning. They're also amazing for emotional support when we're traveling.

A lot of this is spot on but not all. I remember feeling guilty for eating healthy food. I didn't feel like I deserved to eat at all. It's taken years to move on from that. Majority of what she's saying is accurate. When I started to heal, I bought nice clothes again, nice underwear, started to exercise. I found a will to live and a desire to want good, beautiful things in my life.

Almost every single point in this was me before, but i recognize that now i am on the path to better. Healing started a few years ago, with cleaning my space and stopping the hoarding. My stuff is still not upto the standards of my 'normal' husband, but its way beyond what it used to be. I still struggle with taking consistent action. Its hard to get 2 days in a row of doing the dishes at the right time. Its hard to show up and prepare for interviews, and apply for them(this is the hardest for me). But recognizing that i am avoidsnt and playing small is helping me take small steps. I started learning for my career and started learning the local language yesterday.

I find that I don’t allow myself to have joyful experiences, I am lonely and sad all the time and I wish I had the energy money and want to go on a nice vacation or see a movie, or eat at a restaurant, I just feel like that stuff is for people who deserve to have those experiences but I don’t deserve them. Also, people in the world are NOT nice anymore, I’ve watched people turn so ugly the past few years.

One of her best videos ❤

I was bullied in my previous job. (When I asked a senior for help because I was overloaded, she said that I'm not suitable for the job, and things only went downhill from there.) I informed HR and they told me what had happened was not ok but nothing was done. I gave it some time, but it only got worse, so I quit. I've been able to land a better job shortly after I quit, but I still meet people from my previous job because it's nearby. I have been so angry and the contrast was so big, that it was hard for me not to talk badly about what I had experienced there. After 4 months, it's gotten a lot better (meaning I don't talk about it much anymore, in general) but sometimes I'm still confronted with how different the work culture is. The feelings I suppressed, to cope with the situation, are popping up now so I'm trying to deal with them as best as I can. It's tough. I do feel like I've learned what kind of work environment is to be avoided in the future and if I end up in a similar one again, I will get out asap. I am also grateful for my current job, the atmosphere is great.

Anna, thank you for sharing about your friend mother who remarried in her 80's & in her later years fell in love. Its a great reminder, anything is possible. ❤ Abraham and Sarah had a baby in their 90's......with God anything is possible. At 61, I've been hurt, abused, divorced (20 yr marriage), and thought I'll just be alone the rest of my life. I will keep an open mind that even if I find that true, unconditional love, even if its in my 80's, at least I'd be loved. I have lost everyone I have ever loved, my only child (38 yr old prodigal daughter) 3 grandchildren, parents & my beloved Daisy (dog). I've thought about getting another dog, but I'm a cancer survivor & I have no one to care for a dog if I'm hospitalized again.....so I love on stray dogs. ❤ Not sure I can handle another loss (abandonment). I'm so grateful that you are sharing your gifts with everyone. I've learned so much from you in the last few months than I've learned from 30 yrs of therapy. You are truly a blessing to so many. ❤ 😊

During this stage of my personal work, the part of me that is watching everything happen, I try to keep in neutral. I actually imagine an older model car console and, I reach up and shift it to N and, then feel the car move forward without resistance. And yet, it's still so hard to regulate sometimes. Especially, when the old stuff is right there, reacting in the old ways, when I get triggered. I'm 58 years old and, still wake up some mornings and the flutter is happening and my head is buzzing and I don't even know why. I started making content about a year and a half ago. Sometimes, during playback, I can see it ALL in my posture, on my face. I can't decide whether to laugh at her or cry with her. Both? But, there is a difference now, thanks to you and other online anchors, I have some tools. Thanks infinity. I checked a bunch of boxes today. BUT, some of them were good ones! Thanks again.

I nearly got all of them on this list... Just wanna say that for those that have the stupid type of luck that my life has had where you fall through the cracks of "that doesn't/isn't supposed to happen," more times than you can count...if you wanna keep perspective and make sure you're not only not as negative, but also grounded in reality, my suggestion is to figure out what positive surroundings you can create right now and in the near future. What is it you can reach near or in front of you instead of trying to push things out the way to get to something you may not even want. Do you want the thing, or is it for someone else? Is it even healthy to get that thing? Do you really have to wait until you get that new apartment or house to change your room into something you actually love? I've had so many stupid things happen one after the other that my perspective change had to be trying to enjoy what little I could control...rightfully seeing that it isn't fair and also wrong that I have so little to control so now and then, but not staying stuck there and, making sure I do something about it. Even if it's just listening to music and drinking tea because I (thankfully) can't control the crappy actions of other people that ruined aspects of others lives. Idk

Excellent video! Thank you for sharing you’re wisdom and lived experience, so refreshing and real….so many people are not aware of how adverse childhood experiences impact into adulthood. Healing and recovery is possible! 😊🙏

Wow this really touched a cord and I hadn’t even realised how much I was suppressing myself. I don’t know how I discovered your videos. But I am so infinitely grateful I did. My dad recently passed away, parallel to this I was in the process of getting diagnosed with adult ADHD, and I know I had a crappy childhood but I always thought ptsd is something that happens to people who go to war. Like at first I didn’t even feel “entitled” to have c-ptsd. I don’t remember being criticised, but as a matter of fact I don’t remember any of my childhood. And then your video about “clutter is a symptom” showed in my search (I was looking for “how to clean when depressed”). And WOW! I started to ask myself if perhaps I could have c-ptsd, and then I watched more videos, and they are all useful, but this one huiiiii!! I’ve done 90% of the things in your list. And I know it’s because I didn’t want to rock the boat when it was already so rocky. But more than clarity, you’ve given me HOPE. I am a mum now, and I want to do better for my children, and I know I have, but also that sometimes I don’t even know or have the tools to give them what they need. I started the daily practice and it was so incredibly helpful that I got scared, and I stopped it, but I always kept coming back to you, and taking really baby steps in my healing. But this video is making me determined to start the daily practice again, tonight, and opening up to life again. For myself and for my kids, my goal being to stop the cycle of dysfunction in my family with me. With love, Lara

That was exceptional and emotional and exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so so much ❤❤❤❤❤

I made growth steps in the past, and am still learning, so thank you for some needed gentle guidance right now.

I learned to play small from childhood when I I became a target for bullies at a young age. It was simply a survival tactic. It breaks my heart because I was such a creative happy child, and I had so many hopes and dreams. This mindset followed me into adulthood and now here I am in my 40's wondering who I am. I am committed to healing, with the help of your videos , but wow it's overwhelming. I truly believe that I am meant for more in this life. ❤

Trying to get new silks at 69 don't care what anyone thinks accept me . Hoping to be competent at new skills

I havn´t had childhood trauma but trauma in my adult life..I can realte to all the symptoms you mention and complex ptsd. It´s like you´re speaking directly to me.

One for the algorithm. Gold tier content

Love this video. I don’t have cptsd, but other things, and I recognize a lot of these patterns. Thank you for sharing.

10:45 in video I started 😭😭. Thank you I needed this. My problem is not having the skills in the work industry I feel like I'm very driven and part of being able to attain those skills is due to partly being a perfectionist from past trauma of always wanting to please my mother. My problem is growing connections with others once I see things from others against me I shut down and pull away. I really would love to send you an email with my story for your advice I've grown so much watching your videos thank you. I personally don't go to any therapist nor psychologist but I watch various licensed psychogist, Dr's, life coaches etc. On RU-vid and I've learned soon much. THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU DO.

Me and underwear. Lol. And I really have a clutter issue. I love exercise but dont do it because I know Id feel better. And eating, a big issue. Making myself small. Self suppression.

Sigh, still difficult to change it. Trauma driven thinking, great term. Happy that I don’t have all the signs anymore, means I am on the right track.

TY for your commitment & passion to reach out to CPTSD Community. I really appreciate this help you share for free. I've been on the healing path a long time & overcome a couple of these I used to be stuck in too. Im stuck in suppressing myself in love. After avoiding dating >2 decades, I had an Imaginary Boyfriend as a baby 1st step towards dating again someday. It got something moving.😯

I thank my guides for putting this information in front of me and I thank you Anna, for this video as the material is both pertinent and spot on for me to grow around. Big thumbs up on the growth of your channel, as it's inspirational!

Wow! the end was amazing! This video came just in time. I was thinking just minutes before I see it how I shrink my true-self in my daily basis. How small I make myself every day. The part where you mentioned envy and resentment i could relate so much. I knew I had that but I couldn`t describe it properly, and you pretty much said how I feel. I`m not envying them, but i feel shame, because whatever they are having I ``won`t`` have that. I`ve been trying to work my way out of this shame, but it is really hard. I`ve been telling myself that their happiness does not threatens my own happyness, and asking myself how I prefer to see them, happy or unhappy, and the answer is always ``happy`` so I know that the feeling is more a trauma response than something that I`m consciously thinking, because even though I`d ask myself why I was feeling that way towards peoples achievements, I couldn`t answer the question and I was sincerely asking myself. I know we can hide our shadows very well, but I don`t think this is the case. Shame is very likely the feeling I have when people tell me they are going on hollidays. I always feel that way. When people tell me they are taking a course in certain field. I have the feeling again. I`m not envying them, but I feel shame, as you mentioned, I feel like life is unfair, and things don`t happen to me, maybe for others, and this keeps me small. Perhaps another way as you said to pull people out of your life, because I always think that I`m not a good person since I have that feeling towards them, at times. This was the reason why i stopped talking to one of my best friends, because she would talk about herself and I started to feel weird about that. I felt like I was horrible and pulled her away, so I also wouldn`t feel it, but primarily, because I don`t deserve her friendship because I`m not a good person. I think this might be a huge characterist, since at some stage you have shrunk yourself so much that you think there`s no coming back to do what you want to do, and you pull everybody away, so you don`t feel the shame that you yourself projecto onto yourself. Plus I realized that it is also important to remember that I`m not my flaws, nor the traumas that I`m working through. Sometimes we stay too focused on these things and we forget our own progresses and achievements. The obstacles that we overcame and our own self-growth. So, I`m trying to, when I get into a room, to spread my energy through the ambient. I Don`t focus my energy only in the interaction I`m having. I Release it around, and I let my energy explore the ambient, the things around. It is safe now. Whatever happens I now have the maturity to handle it, one way or another. I know that new situations will always come if I open myself to life, and I`m just trying to let my true self break through and live a life of hapinness that I wished during my whole childhood. Thank you for the video! that really helped ❤

Normally I come away from these videos feeling seen and empowered, but this one seemed to be a list of multiple ways to say, ”just stop being broken and good things might happen."

This is such good content! I'm only halfway through, but just wanted to say THANK YOU for this video. I so appreciate you comments on sharing the solution in a 12 step meeting. I needed to hear that. Happy Summer!

I often listen twice. I know I have been non-reactive for hours. ( Moved the chickens: . . my memory marker.). I know when I first hear this perspective I may choice to have been receptive & w/ non-dairy pen be prepared to highlight & be literate. Thank you Anna , and this community. Feeling better. (

I do this. It's just easier. I'm very well educated but work below my capacity to avoid criticism. I prefer to be more invisible but I hate it. Resentful martyr energy, etc. So I block myself from the life I want!

In all of my self analysis, all of my digging in to reasons why I'm depressed and anxious as a adult, it's wild that I never looked at that I was bullied way way back in school, it was in the 80s. It just donned on me watching this video. I was bullied at school then labeled as the 'different' one in the community of kids I played with where I lived in because I was the only kid of my race- although I spoke their language. Then at home I had alcoholic, oppressive parents and we didn't talk about feelings. The advice was always to ignore it. The way I was taught to express emotion was to just pack it down, hold it on and when you can't do that, it's yelling and screaming and arguing without ever listening or being heard.

I feel you put the spotlight on me…wow. I can recognize myself in many of these. I don’t bring food at potlucks because I am afraid I am a bad cook or I’ll make people sick by mistake (I have an obsession).

I’m almost 45, I’ve spent my life trying to help myself and thought I had, and I a few years ago I broken my ankle and after that my mental health has gotten to the point I can’t remember why I walk into a room. I spend days crying and have no idea why. I can’t read a book because I have to read the same line over and over again and it still doesn’t compute. I don’t know what I want or what I like. I have watched a few of your videos and have related so much to what you say. I have been diagnosed with ptsd but only recently heard of cptsd and it makes more sense to me. I feel kinda lost at how to help myself and lost at if anyone can as I’ve spent my life at counseling, having drugs offered to me but never works, I have done things that kinda help but I can never get off the rollercoaster of depression and feeling like the odd one out all the time never knowing if I’m connecting with people or if they are there to bite me later. I’m a people person but weary of them. I think the world of people but feel that I’m always an option for them. I do think about suicide a lot but tried so many times and failed that I gave up, I think about my funeral and think nobody would go cause I don’t think people like me that much. My partner says he adores me and he is the first person to make me think he might, but the unwanted head mate pipes up and I end in doubt. Thank you for what you do it is making a lot of sense to me.

Great video. I know I used to do so many of these things. Healing makes it so there is no going back to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

What an unexpected gem! It can be difficult to dig deep and find things that need to change, but that is the essence of growth. Great check off for a weekly, monthly list of to do’s & mantra. I don’t know you but I love you!

And yet this can be even more complicated, and we must be careful not to embrace over simplification even when we identify with everything brought up here. Sometimes its a personal mystery that sadly takes a lifetime bcuz we go after symptoms not knowing the core cause. Not knowing how one has internalized childhood trauma. Maybe not even realizing one HAS been psychologically traumatized, PLUS not knowing one also has physical problems not recognized during childhood and not for most of your life ( I’m in my 60’s), so u spend your life knowing something is wrong. You go After the symptoms ie weight / food/ clutter/ depression/ anxiety and on and on, only to find you are not winning this battle. And also one can get so caught up in these battles fighting a symptom creating deeper victim loops bcuz one fails. Once you discover the core cause (if there is one) it does not mean freedom! Its great one can now see and understand, but also its sorrow as the realization hits. So for me the bottom line is to be as kind to myself as i can tho the symptoms remain and I acknowledge that at this point in my life and circumstance I am not able to embrace and use what i now know.. So it’s not over, the journey continues However with people like this bringing it out in the open so wonderfully, people will find healing and coping skills sooner.

THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!! This was a HUGE eye opener!! 🙏🙏💗☀️

Hi! These are some really great tips! I do think that sometimes we need to discuss if someone is hurting us or doing something wrong. Sometimes it’s necessary to get feedback from others if someone is acting like a bully to us or isn’t doing their job (and it’s impacting us). I don’t think of that as gossiping per say, but trying to get feedback and understanding of a situation. If someone is acting really poorly, sometimes I think it’s necessary to discuss with another if this person is harming you or the organization and is really hostile or not open to feedback. I think just to always say something nice if someone is being evil or completely irresponsible isn’t always the best thing the person can get worse and even become more hurtful. I think sometimes we do have to speak if something is on our mind to another.

I feel like I used to do half of this list so perhaps I'm getting better. I'm also an extrovert and former people pleaser so any of them where you treat someone unkindly is not me. I'm also a giver and a server. I want to help because I know alot of people aren't gonna stay after and help clean up but they sure will stay, eat and party. 😂And that's true about 12 step programs. I used to attend Overeaters anonymous and AlaNon and that's true, my biggest pet peeve was when someone wanted to hog ALL the time and complain and talk about their problems or interject when others were talking. Adult me now recognizes that ad a narcissist. This channel is really helping me.

WOW! You are a light. I appreciate the non-judgement way you express yourself & help me to feel like maybe this is something I can grow from & have a more fulfilling life. I had to take a survey at work probably a year ago & one of questions was (as I recall it) Are you a self aware person…. I found that to be a puzzling question, because how is someone who is not self aware aware that they are not self aware? Right? I’ve started your daily practice. Interested to see how it impacts me in a week. I will say, I’ve only done it twice & have noticed a calmness after. Thank you for sharing.

God. This helped me so much. I went home and immediately could clean. It’s crazy!! It’s like chains got lifted. Wild.

this is so timely. just yesterday i was feeling shame comparing other people's accomplishments to mine. your content has been so helpful for me.! thank you so much! i consider you my spiritual mother. :) would you please consider talking about how to improve discipline/focus/time management? 💖merci💖

Self sabotage for sure. ❤ Very ill a few years survivor praise God.. In a new place and getting out and so happy struggling not to fall into old patterns. Praying God will heal my heart and be who He created me to be. Thanks for your videos ☺️

It's jarring to realize I do most of the things on this list. Oof.

You have a gift. I’m grateful that you’ve chosen to share it. ❤

This has been so helpful .

thank you for ALL of your videos..

If you build in silence, they don't know what to attack. People aren't against you; they're for themselves. Nobody cares. Work harder. I've achieved more trying to follow these redes than I ever did trying to find connection. Connection sounds like a nice dream, but I've come to suspect that what I really should be aiming for is alliances with peers, and to get that, I need to acquire the right credentials. That means accomplishing things, and accepting reality as it is - such as the fact that I can't afford to compensate anyone for the kind of attention that I crave. Maybe that craving is a legitimate human need instead of another amoral appetite. So what? I can take it to God, keep my mouth shut and then I'll have less distraction from all the work I have to do.

What an amazing video. I forgot how authentic you can be.

Mine is suppression of opinions. This is learnt through basing opinion and then being attacked or intimidated by someone else. So now I keep my opinions to myself. 😢😢😢

Omg this resonates for me so much. I always put other things on the list to do before I buy or do something nice for me. I started doing a dump everything list and pick out only top priority to move fasted to my goal!

Distancing myself from the future. Wow! Then all my neglected doctors appointments. Oh my goodness!!! Right on the money!!!

Yes. I recognize some of these forms of supression. Thank you for sharing this!

Thanks.,great and informative.,and very relatable 🤔

My dad used to tell us no one liked us and those that did like us did so to make themselves look good.

Omg some of these hit hard😢 like a slap. I needed to hear it. Thankyou. Ive yo yo'd in and out of this behaviour through life. Its exhausting. Im trying to be more balanced and regulated more❤ its great to learn why in the past ive behaved this way and realise what I did right without knowing, that helped. Now I can consciously do those things and take control.

Nailed it wow home.

Avoidance is my middle name. I keep everything as small as possible. I don't like meeting people. I don't like travel. I don't like "experiences". I like being left alone. Not everyone enjoys life. Nothing has ever given me joy. I only understand negatives. Not being hungry. Not being cold. Not being in pain. I see happiness in others. I can mimic it for the comfort of those around me. I've never actually felt it though. 40 years. In fact, I don't think I've ever even hugged someone when it was a social obligation. I don't like peoole touching me. Even for a handshake. It makes my skin crawl, and I feel violated. I've been told many times in my life by people who know me "hang in there, happy days are right around the corner." I've heard that for 30 years. I'm not entirely sure I'm capable of feeling that emotion. I feel a whole spectrum of emotions. Especially the negative ones. Never happiness though.

Not to mention, junk in the car also reduces your fuel economy.

Great video

Excellent list!!! Amazing how you get to the core. Thank you!

I wish I could shout this video to everyone!

Wow. I definitely have some work to do.

Thanks for the video❤️ Your videos are turning feelings into words❤

Wowwww this is a real eye-opener for me.

Not as on point as the first video I heard from you, the one about clutter, but still relevant.🙏🕊️Wait! I got to 3:30 & it IS on point!

What about dog sharing like a time share. Find someone who you can share the dog with . A lot of dogs 🐶 need homes 😢❤

What an insightful video! Thank you ❤

Story of my life

So grateful for you anna

Shes describing my whole life 😢

I've lived low enough so the moon wouldn't waste its light on me. -Jason Molina

I think it's less about being pessimistic but as trauma survivors we historically have chosen people who do suck. Once we start to identify the sucky ones then we won't want to be around them.

All of these apply except the animal stuff. I have 11 well cared for (read spoiled) rescue cats. If I see someone with a companion animal, I will ask them of I can pet it. The rest of the list spot on. My vehicles were previously very dirty and full of garbage, but I'm better about that now.

In my experience, if you're feeling small, you don't go to the potluck at all or you obsess over what to bring. "How many desserts are there?" "Is anyone else bringing potatoes?" "Should I make a healthy option or would that just be skipped?"

"and maybe that was true in childhood" It works very well against my abusive coworker in adulthood. But that made me realize I need to stay away from her all the more.

Love you

Not a dog person so I'm never going to pet a strange one (similar to how I'd never hug strange humans). But I agree with much of this and recognize myself in some of these behaviors

OOP when you said you're not in a position to change the economic situation of where you live! Ahh. I spent a lot of time in activist communities where making money = bad. Truth is I was raised in a low income home and nothing was going to get better until I made more money. Money buys stability, and stability is what I needed. When I was able to provide myself stability, I was able to get out of a lot of crappy, codependent relationships.

How do you get past feeling like people are terrible? How can you discern the difference between taking healthy risks at connection and unhealthy "risk taking/seeking behaviors" which are considered to be a PTSD symptom? Also is it still making yourself small if you're trying to get better at establishing boundaries before letting a new romantic partner into your life?

Interestingly … my GP called me in for an annual physical … the last one being two years ago. Even though I quit drinking two years ago … it appears my doctor is gently whispering in my ear I could be doing a lot better at how I’m treating myself.

why do I feel guilty when I recognize some of my own patterns on this list? I know that isn't the intention here. She's great Also i would never ignore a dog! Lol True, kind and necessary is a good rule of thumb, so true you should never talk bad anout anybody. One thing about potlucks, sometimes people can only afford to bring something small. I learned as a child to help clean up after dinner

Interesting, some points make sense. Like not taking care of one self and your relationships. Please forgive me but I want to share some constructive feedback. Some points are overgeneralized. Like a story with your older friend. Perhaps the reason she could appreciate her new found romance was because she knew what it was like to be in a relationship that did not make her happy. Perhaps if she had had that “perfect” relationship when she was younger she we wouldn’t have appreciated it… who knows…. Other examples i fully disagree with: For example, human interactions: I think it is perfectly ok and actually preferred not to say hello to strangers in some situations. It will actually make you vulnerable to crime. I think It is perfectly ok to give feedback to others about a group of people you were in or people’s behavior. We all behave poorly from time to time and we should be able to offer and receive insight. It leads to personal growth. Also saying you don’t care if people bring stuff to your pot luck, but then criticizing those who bring “cheap six pack” of soda is a bit passive aggressive. I remember I thought that of a friend who did just that at my event, turns out she had a horrible thing happen on the way to my home and could not stop at the store to get anything else so grabbed whatever was available in her car which was a bottle of soda. Also neuroatypical people take everything literally, and if you say bring nothing, they bring nothing. Lol. Dental care: very expensive. I know so many people that avoid it because they can’t afford it. They don’t have significant childhood trauma just poor dental genetics, no dental insurance and no money. Same goes for medical care. I don’t think it has much to do with childhood trauma in all cases but with how health care system is organized in our society…. Anyway, just wanted to leave some food for thought.

I don't feel like i have anything in common with the "normies". I didn't start healing until late (40's) I feel like most women have kids, expecting grandkids have no financial cares. I launched late and even though i have a good job and have a few assets. I feel like I have suffered from arrested development and they are tolerating me as much as I am struggling to fit in. It felt unnatural as a child and feels even more so now.

Oh crap - I do EVER SINGLE ONE OF THESE THINGS. Except for one - because I don't drive ...

It’s like you actually know me…

Oh.... I *never* reject the affections of pets!!

I want to share one thing that helped me when I was feeling overwhelmed with all of these sorts of things - not feeling worthy, not feeling good, or not feeling like I could do anything right: I gave myself permission to try it or do something really small and/or do it only once. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes I think we hope we can make everything different in our lives with one big sweeping gesture or one huge change, but when I told myself to start small and be okay with beginning at the smallest amount SO much pressure came off to do new things or open up to opportunities. I started a regular practice exercising/yoga after telling myself I only needed to go to the gym once a week. I made a whole quilt (the size of a throw, but my very first) after telling myself I just needed make one thing. I cleaned out an entire house by starting with just one bookshelf, one day at a time. Whatever your goal, doing just one thing at a time, and slowly you will feel improvement. Don't feel like it needs to be something huge, it only needs to be one small thing.

Mini success story here lol. Anna I was bullied in childhood as well as neglected among other things. I started watching your videos about a year into the pandemic and a few months after my dad passed away. I had also went through a breakup. This all happened around the same time. I found your videos and they saved my life. I started writing and have been writing for two years now. At first I didn’t notice how big of a change I made until I got around others. I’m now able to be in the presence of others with less anxiety. I speak to myself more positively and my self esteem has risen significantly. I still have a lot to work on but I never thought I would come this far. Thank you so much for these videos.

Great vídeo. I was talking to my therapist about how I've made my life purposefully small in order to find safety and comfort. I feel as though I'm hanging by a thread and any injury could mean annihilation.

This is exactly my life. I've learned to live with next to nothing. I avoid everything. So thankful for my therapist.

An offshoot to the potluck one is preferring to clean up and help out as a way of avoiding actually socializing. I do that all of the time. I’d rather be in the kitchen or zipping around taking care of logistics as a way of avoiding interacting with others. That is also playing it small.