Suic!de and Ment@l He@lth | Philosophy Tube ★ 

UK & ROI, the Samaritans - 116123 USA, National Suic!de Hotline - 1-800-784-2433 USA, The Trevor Project - 1-866-488-7386 USA, Trans Lifeline - 1-877-565-8860 First thing's first, please don't worry: I know this video gets dark and personal but I’m safe, I’m okay; remember this was filmed weeks ago and isn’t necessarily an accurate representation of how I feel this afternoon! Now, anticipating an objection: "Why make this video in this way? Aren't you commodifying your feelings?" Well, there's a reason I put "Blackstar" in the thumbnail and the recommended reading: Bowie wrote that album when he knew he was dying and when it came out I saw someone say he was the only artist in the world who could look at his own death and go, “I can use this.” Making this video has been Hellish but I wanted to take these feelings and put them to work creating something nobody has made before: a RU-vid video about suicide that's educational AND critical AND personal AND artistic. That just seems more worthwhile to me than sitting on these feelings, or making a video about this subject that's any less than the best I can possibly make it. Olly XXx ★

_"Sigmund Freud thought, wrongly"_ Oh, so the usual then.

When she said, “Toxic Masculinity is a hell of a ship to pilot when you’re suffering,” I felt that to my core.

"Sigmund Freud thought, wrongly" is a good summary of all of his work tbh

8:00 - (content advisory for sexual assault, suicide, medical abuse) When I was 18, I was raped multiple times in different instances by strangers (I had just moved to a new city, and I guess this stuff just happens sometimes) but after the third time, I decided enough was enough and I went to the hospital to have a rape kit done. I had told the nurse that the whole situation "made me want to die" because I was so hurt and stressed by it all. Next thing I know, I am being involuntarily admitted to a psych ward several miles away without any time to pack or even prepare. I was subjected to nonconsensual electroshock therapy, solitary confinement (for crying??) and put on a slurry of drugs that sent me into anaphylactic shock. I was held down by several people and given an emergency antihistamine administration with (to put it bluntly) a needle in the ass. In the stupor following waking up from that, I was forced to sign paperwork that I wasn't even given a chance to read - liability waivers. That psych wing has since been shut down for malpractice. The world can be cartoonishly cruel, and I firmly believe that every stranger I come across could have plausibly experienced some aspect of it. Be kind, be gentle, and try to see the vulnerability in everyone you interact with - including yourself. It'd be a damn shame if everyone got to experience your kindness except for you. I don't really have a point to any of this. I guess it's just nice to talk about it. Thank you for listening (reading?). Please stay safe.

I’d been avoiding “The Cosmonaut video” since I started watching this channel. I’m a cosmonaut too, and I don’t like to focus too much on my frequent flyer status. Tonight an old friend killed himself. After reading the note he left behind, I went home, made leftovers for dinner, did the dishes, put my child to bed, and watched. It helped. Thank you.

The urge of reaching across the screen and hug him is too strong

In 2001, one of my closest friends committed suicide on her 27th birthday, two days before my 28th. She was saner than I. She lived very relentlessly in the real world. The last time I saw her, she was trying to tell me that it was the last time. I didn’t pick up what she was saying. I was in a hurry. I didn’t listen. 21 years. That year, three close friends followed.

As a fellow trans woman and cosmonaut, thank you, Abigail. I’m glad the both of us are still here.

Suicide is also higher among veterans than the general population. Does that mean being a veteran is a mental illness ? Or does it mean that LGBTQIA and Veterans are both hurting and not receiving help

My healthiest parasocial relationship, I guess.

As a fellow cosmonaut, I was fine for the entirety of this video, until she said “I understand how you feel.” It was said in such an earnest and open way that I began to cry instantly. Thank you for creating this, Abi. It’s beautiful, and I’m glad.

The incredible power of the phrase “toxic masculinity is a hell of a ship to pilot when you’re suffering” hits so hard now. As a trans woman who grew up in an incredibly conservative and fundamentalist culture, this breaks my heart because I know what piloting that ship is like when you are hurting and how freeing it is to finally walk away from it.

There's a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live.

As someone who used to self harm, I have never laughed harder about self harm than when you showed the fork and spoon.

This woman is so unbelievably underrated. As a person, a philosopher, a teacher and a cosmonaut.

I was once told by a mental health professional that I can't be depressed because I was wearing makeup. Little did they know I wore makeup to stop myself from crying constantly.

“Or when you love someone and they hurt you” that line hurts like hell to listen to now.

“Sigmund Freud thought, wrongly” business as normal then

I didn’t cry throughout this entire video, but I sobbed when you said “I understand”. Real, visceral sobs that I haven’t experienced in a long time.

I personally know someone who is still alive, because you published this. I can't put into words what this means to me. I can't say "I understand", I'm just standing down here on earth, knowing what you cosmonauts go through in space. You guys are needed down here and everytime you manage a safe landing, is a good day. Thank you!

I want you to know that I pondered the question “do I want to go on living” while watching your video, and for the first time since I realized I’m a trans man, the answer was an immediate yes. I’ll admit I cried pretty hard at that realization, it was such a shock. Thank you Olly, that moment meant the world to me.

I might just be screaming into the void here, I just want you to know that this video helped keep me alive tonight. So thank you. Thank you for convincing me that my spacecraft will land, and that I’ll see the earth again one day.

HRT and transition did more for my mental health than any medication or combination of medications that I have ever been prescribed. Ohmygod girl, the fork and spoon thing is so darkly humorous. I laughed way harder than I should have. Glad you made it, Abigail. Glad you transitioned.

I spoke to a stranger once when I was feeling like I didn't want to be here anymore, I was drunk outside a bar smoking a cigarette and sobbing hysterically, they repeated several times "I know this pain you are feeling.", somehow that was more meaningful than anything else anyone could have possibly said to me. Edit: Okay, I was halfway through this video when I made the above comment..... I go do a little cry now.

‘Can I have my stationary holder back?’ ‘No.’ I’m glad that made me laugh so much

The entire discussion re: depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts with my doctor. Doc: "Do you still have hobbies?" Me: "Well, yeah, I guess, sometimes." Doc: "Do you still go to work?" Me: "Of course." Doc: "You're fine."

as morbid as it sounds, when i have my own cosmonaut episodes i always come back to this video. i don’t know why, but just knowing i’m not alone up there, sitting in my tin can in space, makes all the difference in the world. i don’t know how long i can go on like this, but thank you for offering this modicum of solace.

I'm seventeen. I'm trans. And I think I'm a fellow cosmonaut. I came to this video because I had a pretty bad day. Bombed the fuck out of a very important psychology test despite knowing the content (it was about stress and how we react to it) a little too intimately. And I just kept thinking about life, and how I'll have to keep repeating the what my psychology teacher might call three stages of Selye's GAS, or what I might call "shock, get used to it, collapse, repeat". And I realised it's either keep on doing that or... the other option. And that led me here. But this - helped, somehow. Being a certified zoomer with terrible taste, I tend to associate space and existentialism not with David Bowie's Blackstar and Elton John's Rocketman, but with Coldplay's X&Y. And so here I'll put my only worthwhile contribution to this rather depressing but insightful comment section: the last verse of Square One, first track on X&Y. "Is there anybody out there who, is lost and hurt and lonely too? Are they bleeding all your colours into one? And if you come undone as if you'd been run through Some catapult that fired you You wonder if your chance will ever come Well, if you're stuck in square one." To all my fellow cosmonauts that are stuck in square one: We'll get through this. Because we have to.

No over exaggeration, this may have been the greatest RU-vid video I’ve ever seen.

when i went to the hospital for suicidal ideation, they just put me in a literal cell, and had me sit there uncomfortable in a hospital gown for three hours and then told me to buy some melatonin for my sleep problems and had me leave. needless to say i'm cured

Abigail... as a minister, as a transman, and as someone who attempted suicide twice in life, I want to say some things to you. First, (even though I know you aren't a believer) may God bless you always. Your life has value, purpose, meaning, and is needed, and you need not believe in God to believe that. Second, thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to be vulnerable, to be honest, and to be creative in how you present that so it might reach someone in a way others did not. Third, I love you. We don't know each other but that doesn't matter. You are a fellow human being with a soul of light, and my love as a person who understands more than most what it is to live as a transgender person with a difficult past is unconditional and offered freely. It sounds stalkerish--so sorry! It isn't meant to. Please keep working toward being your best self. Never give up. I won't if you won't. Sending you peace and healing light as you continue to grow.

I’m a queer autistic cosmonaut. I’m talked over by society on multiple different fronts. I put off my first watch of this for a long time, but thank you Abi for making this video. My days in the trenches are almost gone, as therapy seems to have a positive impact on my life, as well as my situation begins to improve, but I needed to see this. I don’t feel as alone anymore. Thank you.

Abused for over a decade. Multiple failed suicide attempts. Hospitalized with no real help provided. Treated like a nuisance while hospitalized. Denied care at emergency room after another suicide attempt. Can't get service dog because PTSD didn't stem from military service. New PTSD from doctors and nurses treating me lesser than. Weekly call with therapist where I mostly just listen. Feel like a drag in society so I just stay home. So many more details I can't express again. It's been years of this. Still here. Tired. I understand too.

My first attempt I was 11 years old. When I’m in that place as dumb as it sounds I have this thing I do I call “counting straws” “straws” are reasons to stay. I visualize all my straws in one of those little straw cups. And I count through them one by one, my friends my family my passions My partners. And a lot of the time I can go through this list and still feel like they would all be OK without me... eventually. So I save the straw that is my cat for last. Because as dumb as it sounds I remind myself that she wouldn’t understand why I never came home. So mentally I put all my straws back in the cup. And I keep going.

I’m so glad you mentioned Austerity. I’m English too and I showed up at A+E threatening to kill myself, but because the unit was so understaffed with ONE locum doctor holding it together, I got sent home after being told to snap an elastic band against my wrist instead. And I literally had cuts all over my arms and wrists. That’s the effect of decimating health cuts and it SUCKS.

"toxic masculinity's a hell of a ship to pilot when you're suffering" I've never been depressed, but I know that this is all too true.

I legit gasped when you explained what the “cosmonaut” meant. It’s a perfect visualization of grounding techniques. When the depression and panic sends you into the void, you can reminder yourself you’re a cosmonaut, still tethered to the ship that will be on its way home.

Thank you sincerely for staying alive, Abi

Here after our introduction to Abigail. I sincerely hope your flying days are behind you now ❤️

Being functional can be so difficult when you're suffering that much. I remember sitting in my psychiatrist's office after my second suicide attempt in a month while he was trying to persuade me to go to hospital, and my main objection to this was "I can't, I have shit to do". I was trying so hard to function that I completely ignored the gravity of the situation. Sometimes we care more about functioning than living and that's something I don't think we talk about enough.

"The Earth was small, light blue, and so touchingly alone, our home that must be defended like a holy relic." -Alexei Leonov, the world's first spacewalker, who passed away today at 85. Hope he's looking out for you Oliver.

My boyfriend, who I love so much it physically hurts, has attempted suicide multiple times. I know you’re in a better place now, but I just want to hug you so badly watching this because it’s the only thing I know how to do. This helped me so much to understand where his head is at. Thank you for putting yourself out there like this, Abi.

Recently diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder months ago but still in disbelief because I figured "other people have it worse", "my problems are not that even heavy to begin with", "maybe i'm just being dramatic", etc. only to realize (upon finishing the video) that I've been in "flyby missions" many times , I practically don't notice anymore that I've been a Cosmonaut for such a long time. Sobbing and shaking as the credits rolled. Turns out I really am tired pretending to be happy. Tonight, I acknowledge this pain, this sadness. The sun will shine in the morning as I sit in the cockpit. I will, sooner or later, return to Earth.

When he said “I understand you” I completely broke down. I sobbed for a long time, because this was the first time someone had ever said to me, I understand what you’re going through. I saw in olly the same pain and darkness that lives inside me, and that I carry every day. To be understood is the most powerful thing someone can experience Edit: thank you for all the love, and a sincere thank you to everyone who gave me messages of love and understanding.

I've been suicidal since I was a child. I related strongly, especially about the awful combination of toxic masculinity and English emotional repression. David Foster Wallace wrote my fav description of being suicidal. He killed himself in 2008. "The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling." (David Foster Wallace 2008, 696-7)

On Good Friday, twelve minutes and twenty four seconds into this video I stopped and made a call. That call pulled someone out of the depths of loneliness. Thank you Abigail.

The words ‘I Understand’ nearly made me cry. I’ve been trying so hard all this time, I’ve been hiding everything to not appear in any way as weak or burden others with my own selfish problems. I can’t even bring myself to seek help and just hearing these words touched something in me

From one teary-eyed cosmonaut to another: Thank you.

You're a beautiful human being Ollie, and I'm glad you're still here.

Her voice breaking in that "I understand how you feel." That really says it all, doesn't it?

I've spent a good amount of time as a "cosmonaut" and the feelings of loneliness & hopelessness can be debilitating. This video is therapeutic. Much love, Abi ❤️

I've never wanted to hug a stranger more than I do now

"It's no measure of (mental) health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti

Girl. I must say. This video saved my life five years ago. I recently passed this to a friend so it can help her too.

Depression for me is more akin to walking through a dim, cloud-covered bog. There's no other people, no noise, nothing ever changes. It's a constant, dark and desolate place. Thick, muddy water is up to my knees, or my hips. My feet sink into the mud at the bottom. And I'm wearing long, heavy skirts that drag on every movement. Behind me, there's a monster. Always stalking me, never speeding up or slowing down. The bog is endless and I'll never get out. I can't stop moving or the monster will catch up. But moving takes so much energy and I'm getting nowhere. I'm not scared of what's behind me. I don't feel anything but tiredness. The only reason I don't stop moving is because my grandmother has lost two children (including my mother) to suicide. And I'm not that cruel.

"I function. Like a machine." "It's kind of always there...?" I understand how you feel.

Mr. Not Good Enough always tells me all the reasons I shouldn't comment on things. I don't feel like listening to them today, thanks for making this.

This whole vid hits differently now, only if this vision of you Abby could see you now.

Abigail, I'm only a recent subscriber, having been introduced to you by my son. We watched this together, as we make our way through all your earlier content, and we were both moved and encouraged by your vulnerability and candor. You help us look at things with fresh eyes. Thank you.

This came at the perfect time for me. I am in studying philosophy at (a well known "good" university) [redacted], and I told a counselor at [redacted] that I had been having suicidal thoughts. The result? Police and EMS showing up at my apartment in Brooklyn that night. Police and EMS tackling me, handcuffing me, pushing my face into the couch and pulling out tasers; all while my boyfriend watched horrified. I was home and I was in no imminent danger. They treated me like I was being arrested. I was strapped me down to a gurney, and they refused even then to loosen the handcuffs or take them off. I still have nerve damage in my left hand. Before driving off I asked if my boyfriend could ride with me, they refused. I asked for my phone, they told me "you won't need that where you're going". The police told me they would tell my boyfriend what hospital to go to and what to bring me (you can bring food, clothes, books, etc), they lied. They actually told him to stay home, that he could visit during visiting hours, and not to bring anything. During the ride to the hospital the EMS driver told me I could have avoided all of this if I had told them why they were at my apartment. Even though he had told me not even 10 minutes ago that they had to taker me either way. They also told me that I "bought a one way ticket to ____" instead of a private hospital. I think they provoke people as an excuse to, basically, brutally arrest them. I was then taken to the worst psych ward in Brooklyn, and held against my will for 3 nights. Not only against my own will, but also against the wishes of my immediate family and my boyfriend (who I live with). In the psych ward I was lied to and treated as less than human. It has to be the most traumatizing thing I have ever experienced in my life. I saw and experienced so many disturbing and completely heart breaking things. The psych ward is NOT the place for a depressed person. Actually, it isn't the place for anyone. They DO NOT help you there. They did not even know why I was there until I had 24 hours had already passed. I asked multiple times and got told several reiterations of: "That isn't how the psych ward works. once you are here you are here; and if you are here, it is for a reason". I was told multiple times I would get to go home soon. First it was in 2-3 hours you can leave. Then the first psychiatrist said, tomorrow late afternoon after you speak with a social worker you can leave. The social worker did try to discharge me. Only to have a new psychiatrist who "spoke" with me for maybe 2 minutes tell me she wanted to put me on extended watch. I say "spoke" because she really just listened to me talk with a social worker. On night two I asked for water- and the nurses argued and yelled at each other in front of me, because they were both too lazy to get up out of their desks. They attempted to give me a MEDICINE CUP size portion of water, because that is what would fit under the glass barrier. You know, so they wouldn't have to stand up and leave their office enclosure to hand me water. That is how everything works. The nurses sit in an office surrounded by glass and you have to ask them for everything. Phone use, water, food, clothing, personal hygiene supplies. They would often be irritated at you for asking. Sometimes I even got no verbal response just a hand. This is bad enough for me to have to experience, but there were people there that were in very delicate mental states. People that really NEEDED help, and proper medication- they were treated as prisoners. I can not stress enough how terrible the treatment is. The meals were prison food, and since I am vegan I basically starved. Even if I were not vegan, everything had weird additives. For example the peanut butter had sugar in it along with fully hydrogenated oils. Under NY state law psych wards are legally supposed to give patients nutritionally balanced meals and comply with dietary restrictions, they don't though. Also in NY all hospitals have a legal department and they denied me my right for legal consult multiple times. The psych ward is basically a prison. The worst part is that you realize quite quickly (if you are smart) that the only way to be released is to play along and fully corporate. That means; when the nurses refuse you your right to the phone, or when your roommate pees on the floor and they won't send for a cleaning person. You smile and nod. Anything else. Any emotion or anything besides complacency and you just bought yourself an extra night. This is only some of what happened. If anyone would like to talk more about the experiences I had in a Brooklyn city hospital psych war, please contact me. I want to share my story. TLDR: The biggest take away from this experience for me is the horrific realization that the US uses involuntary commitment as a way to lock up people with mental illness. It is a way to imprison people who have not committed a crime but are, for whatever reason, a liability or an inconvenience to the state or the people around them. Oh and that someone has to pay for all this. The person being involuntarily committed gets the bill for the hospitalization and the ambulance ride. Interesting isn't it. That I had to pay for the ambulance ride I did not consent to, where I was physically and verbally abused.. For having depression.

When you joked about the fork I straight up started to cry. Becouse telling jokes is what I always do when I get suicidal. Becouse if I can get my self to genuine laughter, no matter how great my selfhatred are for thoose few seconds I laugh my ideal self shuts up and nothing other than joy fills my mind. Even if it's only for a few seconds even if everything comes back the second the laugh is over, it's worth so fucking much.

"What happens if you try end survive" that haunts me as a survivor. Thank you

28:04 ...speaking as a trans woman -- who won't be able to come out for a very long, because of a very long and endless list of other intersectional issues -- I cannot articulate enough how much this part affected me. I literally do not have a single corporeal outlet for my identity in my environment, and in the past that sent me down a very dark spiral. Whenever I've told people I once attempted suicide, the only response I ever get is people trying to irrationalize me or counter-argue me. Never has someone responded by asking *_"what made you want to do it?"_* I did not think I would be as deeply moved by this video as I was; not because of coldness or indifference, but because I am so used to harsh realities that at this point they no longer phase me. Speaking as a woman who literally hasn't had a good cry in maybe 4 years... when you said that at 28:04, I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. I have never received genuine empathy from a single person I have ever told about my experience of wanting to end my life... but, like you said, even that phrase isn't really accurate. I didn't *_WANT_* to end my life. I'm of the serious belief that nobody actually *_WANTS_* to end their life. I don't think the jews in Masada killed themselves because they wanted to, but because what they wanted (freedom) was impossible. I don't think slaves who jumped off ships during the slave trade killed themselves because they wanted to, but because what they wanted (freedom) was at that time impossible. I don't think Akira Kurosawa tried to kill himself because he wanted to, but because he believed what he wanted (to make movies) was impossible... I didn't try to end my life because I wanted to... but because I believed what I wanted was impossible. I now know that it is... but it's just presently so out of reach. That's what I think drives people to consider suicide; placing opportunities further away, and gatekeeping or restricting them to the point of rendering them an "impossibility" for certain people who want them. I don't claim to know this for sure, I just claim to have experience. Because of that, I've been able to do what you've done through this video; I've been able to talk quite a few people out of committing suicide, not from a place of counterargument but from a place of empathy... Which is why, if anybody reading this is considering killing themselves, I just want YOU to know... that I understand. And, without trying to sound condescending, I also understand the part you haven't experienced yet. Had I killed myself when I was 17, there are so many things I would have never known about myself: I would have never known that I get butterflies around nice men. I would have never known that I'm a woman. I would have never known that I want to write music. Had I died, having lived my whole life, never knowing those things... I would have regretted it for the rest of my afterlife, if there is one. It's for that reason I'm glad I didn't go through with it. Because another thing I didn't know, back then, was that there's an other side of this journey. Even though I don't have a lot of what I want yet, I do know that. And I also know what I want is not impossible. And so I implore you, for the sake of the person you don't know you are yet, to protect that person. Because they are counting on you. The same way I know she is counting on me; and has been, since even before I knew she was there. So please protect that person inside of you. Because there's only one of them, and it's a good one. And it's beautiful. And, in the entire history of the universe, there will never be another one. So please try to take care of them. ❤XOXO ~~Natasha

My dad killed himself earlier this year, and he had been planning to kill himself for a few days before, according to his note. I've found a lot of comfort in knowing that he wanted to leave us because then it wasn't a mistake. If he chose to leave us, then he had decided that the world was too difficult and he couldn't fight anymore. And I prefer it being an active choice he made because then I know it wasn't an accident, and I know my time with him was meant to end. I know it seems backwards, yet it has given me a lot of comfort.

*I've retired from space travel for about a year now.* Therapy was too expensive, so I just recorded myself asking questions, played it back, & talked to myself. It might or might not work for others but I saw a sci show psych episode about it, so I thought I could try. Researching psychological journals gave me the ideas but I did have to make up the question myself. My life isn't perfect, but it's mine, & I deserve the chance to make it better.

In 10 years, this might be the 5th time i drop a comment on ayoutube video. I am extremely ill, i do not want to be subjected to the treatments as i am a grown man with no kids nor wife, im am currently drifting in space. I have been preparing my family so that its not a secret, and what you say in the end is exactly it. Thank you abby❤

I have that knife, with the fork and the spoon that detach from each other. I used it too. To see someone laughing, and making that point about the dark humor of eating yourself with it... It brings a little light to my own history. It heled me to laugh and cry, and I needed that. Thank you.

Watching this after your transition and after a really rough period in my own life. Thank you Abigail.

The cosmonaut in his spacecraft is the best metaphor for depression in general that I have ever heard.

Revisiting this after her coming out video 🏳️‍⚧️💕and at 21:30 when she says “I’m a man, I’m English, so repression is part of it” I was like ooooof 💔

Been divorced 2 years now, from an emotionally abusive wife. I knew exactly how and where, I was just trying to decide if I was going to keep going, take that road, or grab my dog and leave. Abigail made a great line in her Abuse video, 'your abuser finds your strengths and turns them into weaknesses'. Eventually she left, and she took all that she wanted in the process. Dog is still mine, and we've been on the ground for about 6 months. But I'm still too terrified to take my knife back from my brother's house. It seems inappropriate to give advice, but I will just add a couple words to Abigail's coda: I understand how you feel, but I'm glad you're here.

In 1967, cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov, the best friend of Yuri Gagarin, who was the first man in space, was sent on an ambitious mission to go into space and go onto a different ship while in orbit. Gagarin and some technicians inspected the spacecraft and found that it had many structural problems. He tried to get the mission postponed, but was unsuccessful. Komarov did not refuse the mission because he knew the back-up pilot would be sent himself. The back-up was Yuri. He even told his friend beforehand, “I’m not gonna make it back from this flight.” Gagarin demanded to be put on the flight but Komarov took off alone. As his ship began to fail he was called over a video phone by the Soviet premier Alexei Kosygin, who told him through tears that he was a hero. He was able to talk to his wife before his capsule burned up as he was descending into the Earth’s atmosphere. Sometimes people commit to save the life of a friend and comrade, sometimes they do it to end their own pain and suffering. To all the cosmonauts out there, you’re not alone.

“There is only one really serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Deciding whether or not life is worth living is to answer the fundamental question in philosophy. All other questions follow from that” -- Albert Camus

I'm not a astronaut myself, just experienced some space travel idiations and had some autocanibalistic experiences. I, too saved this video for later, again and again. Never have I ever cry so deeply because of stranger's confessions and this "I understand how you feel" declaration made me cry profusely from the core of my being and made me release this long held back scream, as if my own declaration of pain and struggle. All of those comments, and realisation, that though in different time and space, we all cried together, made this massive emotional release even more powerful. Thank you Abby. Thank all of you, beautiful people in the comments.

Probably not many people will see this but I feel I need to put this out there. I’ve been feeling quite suicidal for the past few months now but the last few days it’s really come to a head and I’m doing everything I can to stay alive but it feels like a losing battle. My first suicide attempt was at age 8 and I haven’t properly attempted since then but I’m worried that I might soon, so I came back to this video because I’ve watched it a number of times but never at a time when I was actively contemplating suicide. I really needed to hear someone talk about about suicide sometimes feeling like a rational response because that’s how I feel right now. At 8 years old I was dealing with the consequences of having undiagnosed autism and terrible obsessional ocd intrusive thoughts and feeling incredibly socially isolated and having absolutely no idea how to cope with any of the things that were going on in my life. It was all so painful and there was no end in sight to the pain so trying to drown myself in the bath felt like a rational reasonable escape. Now I’m 21 and dealing with the fallout of my parents incredibly messy divorce and reckoning with the massive changes and upheavals to my life that’s bringing that I’m absolutely not equipped to deal with, especially with my autistic inability to cope with change. I’ve been dealing with gender issues that I’ve mostly been repressing for the past 6 years but my dysphoria is getting really bad at the moment and I feel that I can’t go on anymore living as a woman. But my conceptions of my gender are such that I don’t really think transitioning would entirely solve my gender troubles either, because so much of them are caused by the mere existence of gender in society and how my body and appearance and actions are perceived and scrutinised and judgements made about my gender based on them. I’ve been thrust into a leadership position at university where I’m responsible for the well-being of all the queer kids on campus and I absolutely do not have the functioning capabilities to handle all that. I’m also physically disabled and dealing with a lot of absolutely terrible chronic pain; I had to quit my job a month ago because my body was in such poor health that I couldn’t physically work there any longer. I’m trying to access the disability insurance scheme and disability pension in my country but there’s so much paperwork required and it’s completely overwhelming and exhausting and I have no idea how I’m meant to be doing this. My friendships all pretty much fell apart during quarantine and even the friends I still have have difficulties because so many of them are dealing with their own mental health or interpersonal issues that I’m not able to get the support from them that I need. And to top it all off my pet lizard who was my number one ultimate comfort and best friend died last year so I’ve been dealing with all this without him. Watching this video has stopped me from doing anything bad tonight and so I guess I’ll keep coming back to this as often as I need. Hang in there everyone, I still try and believe that even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. I’m gonna make it through this year if it kills me. All these platitudes stay in my head keeping me here for a little longer and I promise I’m really really trying

I remember when in middle school, I had a time when I got so depressed that I just stopped functioning. I didn't see the point. why keep on living this pointless life where nothing is fun anymore. I was going through a lot and repressing it all cause I rightly assumed my parents would find it silly, and one day I just, shut down, for weeks. I refused to leave my room and just cried for days. And the thing that sticks with me about that experience was the way I got out of it. I went to a school meeting to try and figure out how I could make up all the missing schoolwork, and my mental health wasn't brought into question at all. all these adults sitting and talking about my schoolwork didn't think to ask me how I was feeling. then, I went home and listened to some random music on the computer cause that was all I could manage, and the song "it's on us" by AJR came on. and I started crying. cause it was exactly what I needed to hear. so I decided I was gonna be ok, and not a single one of the adults responsible for my well-being even influenced that. they were too busy worrying about my grades to realize that I wasn't doing ok for a reason. a fucking song showed me more compassion and respect than every adult in my life at the time. and my parents wonder why I hate school, and why I'm so mad at this fucking world we live in. If you're reading this, and you've been failed by the people in your life because of this shitty system, I see you. I get it. I feel your anger. and your life is worth so much more than your grades.

'sigmund freud thought, wrongly,' could be applied to literally all of his theories lol

That quote from Mark and then saying that the author killed themselves... that made me pause the video to take it all in. A quote on the causation of unhappiness and mental distress we face on a daily basis, which rightly questions our approach to everything... And he ends up taking his own life, possibly because those support and questioning systems required to help him didn't exist.

just when i thought id stopped crying you just had to bring the "i understand" line

Mr. Thorne, I'm an American. The mental health system here is horribly abusive. They put drugs into me for chemical imbalances I didn't have, they isolated me from other students until I was in my late teens. I've been to therapy once every 6 months or so since, only ever to talk to a therapist for a short amount of time and then go back to high functionality. Like you, I am lucky to be high functioning. And like you, I know that being "high functioning" doesn't get rid of the problem. I also study philosophy and music, go figure. From one cosmonaut to the next, hold on tight and make it back to landing. Thank you for making this video. Here's hoping you keep making it back into the atmosphere.

For most of the video, I thought Ollie was acting, and even when I realized he wasn't(when he showed the knife), It was unsettling, sure, but I still failed to empathize. What did reached me was the "I understand" line. My eyes actually watered and I became shaky because that's the closest I've felt to being understood by someone when talking on the issue. The most authentic "I understand" came from the speakers of a computer that displays a video that was recorded and edited by an actor who lives a continent away and has never heard or seen me or even knows of my individual existence. It was like I finally felt comfortable breaking down in front of a person, even if said persons only exists within the universe of discourse of this video and the person who created the former does not even know me, that I felt confident could understand and wouldn't brush it aside with whatever explanation they come up first. Thank you, Oliver!

Your analogy just saved my life 3 minutes ago. I can’t thank you enough, Abigail. I get to live and go perform and celebrate the world! ❤

I’ve been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for close to 15 years. And this video does help. I just wish that I had someone to actually talk to about it. I’ve been suffering alone for almost the entire time.

The first time I saw this video. September. I was depressed. I didn't understand why. I would learn in 6 months. At that point, I honestly thought I was insane. That I was doing this to myself. I watched this video with my flatmate. I cried hysterically over a bottle of wine. I couldnt stop. I couldnt tell him. I had tried to kill myself twice at that point in my life. Once when I was 17, the second time when I was 20. Both times were derived from anger and frustration, but also sheer loneliness. I'm 28. I found the world intolerable. I couldn't see the point in living. I logically determined that I didn't choose to be here. I had suffered so much. So much more than anyone understood. I didn't want to die. But I resented being alive. This video reminded me I'm not alone. I'm not saying it saved my life. But it clarified so much to me. It allowed me to believe I was not insane for feeling the way I did. I tried to explain to my loved ones so many times that I hated existing, that I couldnt handle being alive. They told me I was unwell. One of the most prescient memories I have is me crying in front of my mother, saying I couldn't handle being here and her screaming back at me "I thought you were better!" I found out in January of this year I had been stalked for 2 years. I dated him. We worked together. He left the company that July. He found out where I lived. September of last year I wanted to die. I was being harassed online. I didn't know. I was being abused and I didn't understand. I hated being alive. I hated existing. I saw this video. You saying "I understand." I bawled. I know you don't understand entirely. I don't know if you've been stalked by an intimate partner. I hope not. I really do. But just hearing that. Made me feel just that little bit less alone. My ex was arrested in January of this year. He found out where I live. He blackmailed people I worked with (after being fired) for information about me. He made fake profile. He used them to harangue and stalk me wherever I went. I went to Paris in November of last year. I sat and listened to your meditation video alone in a hotel room in the middle of Paris during a riot and I was happy. He saw that. He saw my facebook posts. He was convicted. 10 year restraining order. 2 year suspended sentence. I wanted to die. I really did. But I remembered this video. I watched it again. I don't think I've watched this video without crying. I'm still here. I really don't know why I need to tell you this. Hell I dont know if you'll read it. But I need you to know. I went through hell. The worst experience of my life, even before I tried to kill myself twice. And I didnt try again. I have this video to thank for it. I am.... so fucked up. Someone hurt me so badly. They took my identity. They made me feel like I was nothing because they wanted to possess me. But I didn't try to take my own life. I didn't. I dont want to be here, I really really dont. But this video reminded me why I have value. So thank you. I'm so sorry for unloading. It might be the bottle of wine. It might be that I had a really bad week. I'm getting there though. You helped me. You did. I need you to know that. God if anyone else reads this. Just know. I'm surviving. I'm doing my best. And no offence Olly. I'm doing this on my own. But I can't deny. You helped me. You understand. So thank you.

i love you, man. i tried to kill myself at sixteen years old by train. i broke up with a boyfriend and hated my parents. one day, i did not come home from school and walked to the tracks. i would often go there to breathe free. the pressures of school and everything going on at home drove me to a desperate place. i stood on the tracks just as the five o'clock whistle blew, and suddenly i could feel the powerful vibration of the train as it rode like a missle towards me. i could not do it; something drove me off those tracks. i just wanted to share that experience with you and anybody else who understands. i believe that if we had an egalitarian system, whereby we value people over profit, there would be far less suicides. keep your head up. you are a beautiful spirit and natural teacher.

I have attempted suicide two times. I too understand how you feel. You don't have to be suicidal to understand and you don't have to be ill to think about taking your life. Tank you so much for sharing those feelings and this valuable knowlege.

I often have less extreme emotional responses to things than I know I should. It's something I work on. Having said that, I fucking cried at "I understand how you feel." harder than I have in a long time. Most powerful sentence in the English language indeed.

it feels like, i didn't get to choose to opt in and now i don't get to choose to opt out. thanks for crying with me, olly.

Hold my hand fellow cosmonauts. Please.

Damn bro, that ending song was a sucker punch I was not expecting. I really appreciate it, thanks (Legitimately crying rn)

Abigail, thank you so much for everything you do. These works are deeply personal and touching, and most importantly due to the beauty of the internet, they are here to stay. When I first watched the Cosmonaut video, it was emotional and powerful because I had been there before, but it wasn't relevant in the moment. Tonight I watched it again at the end of a day where I felt more alone in the world than I had in many many years. Where the pain of being alone and the voices in my head overwhelmed me so much that I could feel that desire to step out into the vacuum coming back after years and years. It scared the shit out of me, but somehow I found my way back here. I had a good cry, and you reminded me that there is help out there. I'm going to call one of those help lines, play with my pet rats for a little while, then put on a brave face and keep flying. The mission continues

This is the most powerful, most moving, most important thing I've seen on RU-vid. This is a service to humanity. Thank you

29 years on this earth: I've never been tempted by Death. After the loss of someone I dearly loved one month ago, and the increasing pressure of my career, added with the recent hunt to purchase a home with my husband (one year of marriage next month): I'm showing visible signs of burnout and anxiety mixed with complete and udder nihilism. Death is now a comforting and tempting thought. Then I found this video. Your art is so compassionate. Necessary. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I've just rewatched this for the third time, im seventeen and probably not doing too well at the moment mentally, a myriad of personal factors have fallen together at just the wrong time. I dont really have the correct words right now. Theyre just kind of all jumbled in my head, like theyre all just there, but i just wanted to say thank you. I will never be able to know the impact this video has had on my life or will have on my life. But i can safely say that it has helped more than i can express. Deeply and sincerely, Thank You

i don’t know if someone going to read this but here it goes my first suicide attempt was when I was 9, my last was when I was 16 or 17. I am better now. on the way of becoming 20 and my attitude towards life has change drastically. I am proud of where I am, the suicidal thoughts are less and less, the suicidal jokes are less and less and the urge to die is less. is a small process with small steps but a walk is a walk. if someone is reading this, I understand your mission and your travel fellow cosmonaut. it may seem bleak and dark outside but don’t give up, you will land one day. I wish everyone a good life and if you are a fellow cosmonaut I wish that one day your missions will become easier to handle. be brave and don’t give up, you are not alone.

You really made the grade

That algorithm dodge tho

For 6 years now I've been feeling like a total waste of space. Only thanks to my friend and my class teacher, who convinced me my feelings were valid, did I get help last year. I was diagnosed with severe depression and an early stage of anorexia. My family still thinks I'm exaggerating and that I should get a grip. Due to being stuck with them under the same roof 24/7 and to little to no direct contact with people who are a good influence on me, my anorexia is steadily getting worse and I'm struggling with the most intense suicidal thoughts ever. Nothing seems to be helping - therapy, prozac, nothing. I'm on the verge of completely losing hope. I hope you are doing better than me, darlings

Committing suicide is only a moral failure in a society that deems you as property.