I appreciate your perspectives, and this gives me a lot to consider as a potential adoptive parent in the waiting. However, some of these points almost make me feel shame for choosing adoption. I definitely didn’t go into adoption with a “savior” mindset or that I needed to “rescue the children from bad situations”. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for almost 6 years, and we felt like for us adoption was a way to grow our family instead of pursuing further fertility treatments. I guess I’m trying to loosely hold all of the perspectives around adoption, because ultimately all we want to do is raise children in a loving home, and adoption is the vehicle for us to do that. We are educating ourselves around the trauma that comes with adoption and want all sides of the adoption triad to be supported. Even though in an ideal world adoption would never be a thing, we hope to do it the best way we can with continual education around it.
If you don't mind my intruding to share, because I'm wary of in any way offending people...The very best way to provide a home for a child truly in need of a home, if they have no extended family members to care for them, is to do legal guardianship. This helps the child retain their original name (which can become super-important to them later on as a way of retaining their identity with which they were born) and identity, to be able to learn about their family history, ancestral history, family medical history (which could save their life or their children's lives someday), and to know their birth family if the birth family, or someone in the birth family, an aunt or uncle or whatever, would be willing to remain in touch. The child will be helped by seeing themselves mirrored in the faces of others, to see pictures of their first mother and family members, and to have their original birth certificate. With an amended birth certificate, it can feel as though we weren't even actually born (although intellectually, we know we were!). It can make us feel as if we're floating above the world instead of really tethered to the world like most people feel. It's something really hard to explain. And when the child is of age to give legal consent, if they want to be adopted by you, they can definitely request it or consent to it. How wonderful to have your own child choose you as parents! Some adoptees grow up to feel as though having had money paid in exchange for being brought into someone's home to fill a void in the adoptive parents' hearts amounts to child trafficking. It is much more respectful to the child to serve as legal guardians until the child is old enough to give consent, and then, if they want to be officially adopted by you, they can make this choice and it is affirming for all involved, and more ethical.
An analogy to adoption and the imbalance of power and rights is arranged marriage. In many arranged marriages, the parents arrange the marriage and the groom pays a dowry in exchange for marrying the young woman. The woman has no say. Likewise, the child has no say, and is brought into a family of strangers, separated from their family of origin with all the loss and grief this can entail, without consent. Yes, a child is born into a family without consent. But, it is their family. It is the people who give them their own traits, personality, sense of humor, people biologically wired to "get them". The adoptee may have an entirely different internal makeup than the adoptive family and be placed there with no choice. It's just a really loving, respectful thing towards your child to keep their options open. I have an adoptee friend who was brought into a home this way and she absolutely loved it, and was so grateful to her parents for letting her choose them when she was old enough. She talks about it a lot and recommends it to other families instead of adoption at the outset. It helps your child feel really valued to leave the choice in their hands. (And it also places the onus upon the parents to be really good parents, as well!)
I like the way in which they open our eyes about adoption, indeed a great conversation. However, I think they are looking at it from their point of grief and their relationship with their parents, because of that the message seem to show the horror of adoption.
Great conversation. I especially appreciated the insights about the need (the humanity) of lament and grief! The recognition of the reality of sorrow and the need to express it as a means to draw strength and transform situations -- this has historically been a key element of the Black Christian tradition in the US. Cornel West writes about this. Toni Morrison as well.
The difficult question is knowing God is also in charge when an adoptee (or any child) isn't raised in such a happy home. Trust and Belief are not simple.
Yes. This is another reason I believe legal guardianship is far better than adoption. It's hard to imagine, but some adoptive parents make it through the home study and pass - but then abuse their adopted child! Even sexual abuse or verbal abuse. It can be really complex to raise an adoptee who might end up with a temperament completely different than that of the parents' - and who is a traumatized child even before entering the home, and can manifest this trauma through acting-out. With legal guardianship where the parents are being abusive, the child can appeal to a trusted teacher or some other caring adult and share what's going on. If verified, the guardianship can be dissolved and the child can begin again with someone safe. If they were adopted, though, they can't ever legally sever their ties to their abuser(s) unless, as an adult, someone adopts them - as an adult! Even if the abusers go to jail, the child is still legally their child. Which isn't really respectful to the child, because the adoptive parents can dissolve the adoption (sometimes called "rehoming" but it is more than just giving the child a new home, it's rejecting them as their child). The balance of power really is not healthy for the child.
