It’s surreal watching an animated version of a relationship I struggled to even find the words to describe, & discovering that- far from being a unique situation- it’s a cliché. But also grateful that I’m not alone in this experience.
This truly defined my life story. The pattern repeated every 2 years for a total of 8 years. This content helped me understand my issue and make the decision to end my long-term relationship with my avoidant partner once and for all. Despite losing everything in the process, I had the courage to rebuild from scratch. It was a soul crushing process.
The harsh truth of being an avoidant. The moment someone shows interest in me, I pull away out of fear o discomfort, leaving them wondering what's happening. Secures don't deserve this, they deserve someone who can correspond their feelings.
If you are 16-23 watching this video, focus on your academic or professional career and on forming healthy friendships. An avoidant partner could derail your life in ways that you may not be able to recover from a decade later
@lawaleto - I wish I could upvote this 100 times. I wasted the decade of my prime years on an avoidant. I lost my career due to moving to be where he was and never got it back. I lost my health. My love for him ruined my life. People often fall in love with potential. We need to ask ourselves if we would be happy for the rest of our lives with this person AS IS, because most people change very little.
@@meagiesmuse2334 when our loved ones don't get the professional help they need we may keep bending and compromising until we break ourselves. Unfortunately they may say they never asked you to neither bend nor break. I hope you find peace and the strength to create short or long-lasting kind, mature and fulfilling relationships 🌺🌺🌺
Had a relationship for two years. The other person trying to get back at you with flowery words are soooooo real. In the end, you decide if you want to continue that cycle, or just leave for your own good. Did the latter, and I'm glad I did so.
I just broke up with a guy two days ago , like that, i thought i was crazy and I'm the one who need to change everything about myself. He said his social life is important and i came into his life and disturb it a little and he didn't have enough time for his family and friends. But he told me i over think. And when we have fights he said he'll be better, My heart is broken now but i decided to Block him and delete everything, I'll be okay soon
What a wonderful and ACCURATE description of a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant. Thank you, SOL! I think this video will help a lot of people who are new to the concept of attachment styles.
I've experienced this for a whole 5 years of my life and after the vicious cycle of torture and breakups, I can say it with confidence you can't / shouldn't fix an avoidant.. They can ruin your future with cold blood.. They won't heal unless they reached certain critical amount of pain, believe neither you or them would benefit from your presence through this situation
I would only say that you shouldn't expect people will just magically change. It's very much the scorpion and the frog type situation. Find people who will love you like you love them. Anything short is a hellish experience.
Its a spectrum, from pathologically avoidant, to pathologically clingy. I lean avoidant, but I understand that I often wind up with people I would consider to lean slightly clingy. Its all about understanding your personal needs for space and autonomy, and your partner’s personal needs for attention and closeness. It’s give and take. I’m not weird for having a hobby that doesn’t involve her, and she’s not weird for wanting to spend the whole Saturday together. We both need these things. So be honest about what you need, and give when you can.
That's not a "spectrum," you're making things up. And wanting to spend the whole Saturday with your partner is not "clingy" in the least, it's totally normal. I presume you both had to work all week.
@@aluisious I disagree. Wanting to spend the *whole* Saturday together is just as unhealthy as wanting to spend *none* of it together. There is a healthy balance, where each partner feels safe, secure, and loved when they are together as well as when they are apart. As @Deeplycloseted435 said, there is a give and take. If either side views it as "it must all be my way" then that's not conducive to a long-term loving relationship.
People complete shit on dismissive avoidants because they think they deserve it. It absolutely is a spectrum and anyone who says different needs to peer into the mirror of self-reflection. Not all avoidants cheat or talk about potential partners in front of their SO or push away their partners all the time. This bullying needs to end. Imagine if insecure attachments got this treatment…
7 years too long! I experienced being in this horrible hole of instability and gaslighting. We are surrounded by people with this type of behaviors. It's hard to get out of this trap. You need to open your eyes and leave, to must take care of yourself.
Right behind you, 7 years and I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. So, now I don't, and he's desperately trying to like...cling and appease. I know it's nothing but him missing me taking care of everything while he ignores me but coasts off of what I do for US, not just myself. I'm done. He's pushed friends away too, just to turn and blame them for rightfully being fed up with him. Says therapy won't help him, yet won't try it. Everything isn't good enough, and when we finally leave for our well-being, it's all OUR fault he is how he is. Major scapegoating.
This is the most beautifully animated School of Life video I've seen yet-and I've seen many! And I absolutely adore the cat-and-mouse couple, who symbolise the typical avoidant/anxious relationship dynamic. Thank you.
After all of this the message is "what's wrong with you that you stand for this?" People don't have an easy time of finding loving partners, and a lot of people are eager to settle for anything they can get. As if we all have the selection to walk around and say "yes, this one will be my suitable and healthy partner."
Really interesting:) Thanks to you I've realized that I am the avoidant type. Now I'm very much aware which might help me in social situations. I find it difficult to enter any kind of relationship, so I often go distant to avoid any damage to other people, or I prefer short contacts that start and end at the same day. Of course, therefore I don't learn. I try to find situations where I feel comfortable and can grow slowly. Especially, people, who are more on the anxious side, seem to find my behaviour cold and annoying. Whereas, I struggle with their constant criticism and control. I get even more distant then, and my rate of mistakes might increase. Open communication helps, but it also takes a lot of effort and time for both sides. Maybe you could look into attachment styles in other areas of living, like friendship or work... Have a beautiful day.
Thank you for sharing. I feel more or less the same, and I may add that for me personally, I crave to love them and yearn to be loved, but bad things that had happened to me in my childhood days have instilled a kind of fear in me that people may leave me. My mother once attempted suicide in front of me when I was around 5-10, and she had jokingly threatened to disown me at times if I messed up. Now, fortunately she's doing ok and we always talk, but these things grow with you. If your mother, the person you see as God-like in your childhood, tried to leave you scarred like that, then there's no guarantee that strangers you meet in your life may do worse to you. I know, it's not my fault and I should get over it, but I have to do it in my own pace. Maybe I will, but sometimes I see patterns building up, and I become scared. Suddenly I see my mother dousing gasoline over her head again.
The only thing an anxious person wants is to be reassured. (Reassurance means that they FEEL safe, not knowing; so keep reassuring them until they get sick of it)
There are lots of YT channels talking about attachment styles, especially Avoidants. If you've recognized yourself as an Avoidant, I really suggest watching those videos and learning as much as possible. The most important thing to learn is that avoidant behavior is a HUGE barrier for forming close and meaningful relationships with anyone, not just a romantic partner. If you truly want to overcome this, you need to learn about it, learn to spot the triggers (mainly, it's FEAR) that cause your avoidant behavior, and work on overcoming these problems. I used to be a fearful avoidant, but I've worked for a long time to become secure. It's an ongoing process to be aware and actively implement changes. Good luck to those of you who want to do the work! 💪
Been with one and it's coming from an anxiously attachment person and it messed me up so bad. It's like a scar that I would have to carry forever. To avoidants, you deserve love too but please please heal yourself first then be in a relationship.🙏🏻
I have the anxious-preoccupied attachment style, and recently an avoidant done screw me over, also that it was paired with her new found oh-so-profound sense of self - narcissism. I had been with her for 5 year and she chose hot reel boys scrolling addiction over me, amongst other things.
I hope you work on understanding that you create that create and actively maintain that mindset as you do not lose yourself in an honest and healthy relationship
IMHO too much focus of attention on the other person is essential to creating the problem in the first place. Begin by loving yourself enough that you can let the avoidant partner go -- love them fully as you also release them. Love them enough NOT to get back together. Feel the sadness of "losing" that relationship -- don't avoid the grief, but feel it and then move through it to acceptance. Be honest with yourself and see that "taking them back" is your own unhealthy behavior. Focus on your own health/sanity. Accept that people come and go in our lives. Wanting to "keep" someone who doesn't want to be "kept" is just a kind of imprisonment, not love.
I am an avoidant. The video depicts the worst avoidant type, veering towards sociopath. Most avoidant ppl are introverts who value independence and alone time. If the partner leans towards clingy, extroverted, or lack of self confidence, it is not going to be smooth sailing. A relationship is give and take. Avoidant can’t always get his/her way. So as the non avoidant partner can’t always get his/her way.
problem is, avoidants want a relationship and will be very persistent to get you back, when you brake up with them. Sorry to say but avoidants are trash.
1) talk to her about it(?) if she's truly avoidant she will probably never change 2) get used to it and don't bring it up anymore(submit to defeat, but change your mindset so it doesn't eat you alive) 3) reevaluate whether or not you want someone like that in your life(lose the extra baggage, her)
Sounds like you have reasonable needs that are required to be met. Are you clear what they are and have you communicated them to the person? All the best,
I love how this channel is not sympathetic with everyone and isn't afraid to point out where the problem is and call it out for exactly what it is "A PROBLEM"
I’M in a relationship with an avoidant, but I think not a dismissive avoidant. He’s wonderful about so much. It’s only when I want physical affection that he freaks. He’s very interested in a sexual relationship, however. And I’ve worked on myself and done a lot of research on avoidants, and have learned how to talk to him. I remain very calm and state my needs and wants, and when he says I’m too sensitive, I just say, my feelings are my feelings.
Would you be ok with living in a relationship like that for the rest of your life? If not, please consider moving on. Lack of physical affection is a major issue, if it's essential for the other person.
This is so accurate. And no sexual intimacy. He is a intimacy anorex, yes intimacy anorexia is real . Check out Dr. Doug Weiss. That has killed my spirit and my heart. It’s hard being married like this. I am finally out of depression after 14 months of severe depression.
Thank you for every new understanding about love relationships. I have studied your theory a lot. As a student I have taken you to be a figure "in my thesis research". ❤❤❤❤
I’m avoidant and don’t like being painted as the bad guy. I know why I’m like this, and I’m trying really hard to learn to get more comfortable with people who try to get close. Give Avoidants.who are self aware a chance. Nobody’s perfect. Not even ‘secure people’.
All I hear on this channel is how bad avoidant people are and everyone should stay away from us. Why not for a change, make some videos for avoidant people to improve and heal.
There are many videos providing helpful resources for avoidants and everyone in between on this channel. The challenge is some of us avoidants have trouble taking responsibility
I love the School of Life, truly, but I can’t help but notice the bias in the Avoidant/Anxious videos. This does vilify people with avoidant tendencies, if even inadvertently. There’s also danger in sticking solely with descriptions rather than explanations. When we can describe someone in such a way, it becomes a means to paint a picture of them rather than see 1.) the suffering behind it and 2.) the entire dynamic. Love this channel, just a little disappointed with this one.
As a former Fearful Avoidant, I LOVE this video! It will open many people's eyes to Avoidant attachment and the many problems it causes. It can be a springboard for people to do more research on their own (as I did).
I'm getting a little sick of this channel's portrayal of avoidant personalities. Just pile on. Tell the world to abandon us---which is the entire reason we're avoidant in the first place. You try living behind 4 inches of glass, hoping to find someone who can see past it. Then, they'll watch this video and do what they always do....RUN!!!!!
Yeah, I don't like the way they've broadly generalized avoidant people like this. They went from a partner obviously suffering from a sort to detachment to comparing their partners to others and disinterested in sex. No human being is the same, and everyone has their own symptoms and a core reason why they're like this. I don't like the way these videos hint "abandon them for YOUR OWN GOOD". This kind of calls to action has powerful impact on people's minds, the idea is inseminated deep and grow into the end of a relationship that could've been saved by a series of open conversations and little acts of love.
exactly what’s more it makes no sense to pick on avoidants when anxious partners are the one who assault and kill their partners I thought DV was a big problem in relationships, seems like avoiding confrontations is way worse than black eyes
Bit of a cold take on it. One could try to help and support someone who struggles with avoidant tendencies. Like I hope someone would if their partner had PTSD which was impacting the relationship.
Odd video this close to an American presidential election. Maybe your partner is just worried. And maybe you shouldn't get therapy from a one way video on the internet.
This video is quite similar to the one "the hardest person to leave", but in that the avoidant partner seemed more narcissist! Can you please make a video differentiating avoidants and narcissists?
Narcissistic people can be avoidant, anxious or disorganized - we all have a bit of it in us. The main difference is a lack of empathy, not devoid of it, but lacking it apart from a select few
Move on from these weak, toxic people. If they're too afraid and avoid things, they're bad news. I've tried to help someone like that and all she did was hide in different ways. They keep on changing strategy to hide because they're cowards.
yo y aestoy en una edad para no buscar a alguien a quien arreglar. Tener una relación nunca fue una meta en mi vida de todas formas. Si busco compañía es para sumar a mi vida. Sé es es más fácil decirlo que hacerlo obviamente.
