The Cause of Narcissism. Explaining How & Why They Become a Narcissist. Narcissistic Expert 

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My child was not neglected or abused. She had a loving, peaceful and nurturing upbringing. However, there were two public school bullying events in her life. The first one was in third grade and the second occurred in 9th through 10th grade. This is when I noticed a drastic change in my daughter and she has never recovered but has created a false persona. It is not always a childhood trauma in the home. It can occur from a trauma outside of the home.

Isn't it crazy how all these "bad" people aren't truly "bad", but just deeply hurt and scared. Wow mind = blown.

I believe that we cannot change our dysfunctional habits or tendencies if we don't understand them first. Therapy doesn't work if the therapist and the client do not understand the foundational dynamics that underlie repeated psychological patterns. I am quite pleased that you appreciate my explanations. Best to you Lindsey.

I can't believe I am hearing my life story with my Mother.

My mother is a narcissist and I am the child that didn't conform to her ideals, but I didn't become a psycho. On the contrary, I am reserved and not very trusting of effusive people but I am very empathic and sympathetic even to strangers. My mothers negative commentary of and to me all my life simply only boosted my instinctive belief that her opinion is simply hers alone and it is up to me to develop me to the best of my ability and any mistakes I make are mine and mine to pay for. Sorry! Doc, but nit evey one with a lousy mother turns out messed up. Thank Heaven!

I was on my way to become a narcisist, I only realized it earlier this week though. But I thought I was just following my parents paterns, turns out its their behaviour towards me that tried to make me one. Im glad I have realized this though, it took me 2 years of therapy to actually come to this. I always wondered why people left me etc, Its clear now. I hope I can become a better person, and please, if you feel bad or if you have stuff going on wich you feel like you cant handle anymore... contact someone, ask for help. Its ok to ask for help, its NOT a sign of weakness.

I have a child who is Narcissistic. He is an adopted child at the age of 3. He suffered severe neglect, abuse, and unstableness at the hands of his bio parents. We adopted him and his older brother and sister. All three have been diagnosed with Attachment Disorder. He has had talk therapy and family therapy. Now at 23, he is totally unable to have or hold onto a relationship, a job, or anything. He feels every is owed to him. He goes from one co-dependent relationship to another, where he is taken care of and doesn't have to work. He seems very depressed. His latest girlfriend just broke up with him because he gets very angry when things don't go his way. He was raised by us with lots of love, two parents, a stable environment, discipline and natural consequences. However, it doesn't seem to make a difference to him. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over and takes his rage on women (first me and later his girlfriends). He needs help. How can he be helped. He feels ashamed of being adopted and that his own parents could not love him. Thank you.

So very sad how children who could not be responsible in any sense of the word while young, can eventually turn into such evil narcissistic adults who inflict so much pain on others. My Mom who passed less than a year ago was unbelievable in her malignant narcissism and worse every day she lived. The most freeing day in my entire 53 years of life was the day she died. But still it is painful to know how extreme her pain must have been as such a young innocent little girl. It's all just so sad.

Ross Rosenberg - you show a rare level of understanding on these issues. Thank you. I have a comment on this video. There is another way that narcissism is generated: in addition to children who are disappointments to their parent and are neglected or abused, there are also children that receive tremendous attention, which to the outside world looks like fawning and love. This huge amount of attention is interpreted by the child, quite reasonably, as pressure to conform to an idealized role that the parent defines for them. Rather than being loved for themselves, they feel conditionally loved and forced to conform to this idealized role. This is overwhelming to the child, and causes the same feelings of being unloved - or only being loved if they repress their true selves - and tremendous rage, which the child cannot express. This is another way that narcissism is generated.

Thank you so much for posting this. I was the second child of a very disturbed mother, we were neglected and unwanted. My older sister was in charge of me but she was a sociopath by the time I came around. The abuse was unthinkable. I now live with all the anxieties of life. I only had two relationships all my life and they were narcissistic. I am mother and I made a pact to my son that he would never know a day when he was unloved by me. I now am trying to help him see that his father is broken and it is not my son's fault. Your videos help so much. Thank you!

I feel like there are so many labels in society for what is 'wrong' with people and I recognize a lot of the symptoms in myself but at the end of the day we are who we are and we just have to push on in life and try to good for others, or at the very least, dont hurt others.

I was a wilful child. My parent was threated by me at a very early age. She couldn't stand me the moment I was born. I'm still defiantly independent.

I feel the Mother's emotions reach the unborn in the womb. Treat pregnant women wuth love and care. Infants, even toddlers can feel unloving energy in their homes. It's not just the Mother living alone. I've seen and heard too many stories.

Not all who are unloved in childhood become psychopathic narcissists and sociopaths. It is unfortunate that there is so little understanding and so much predatory behavior that it is esteemed in our society. Some may want to work on their own understanding for the rest of their life and begin in their own healing process actually this is something that would be more favorable. We should look at the arts as an imperative means of communication and healing prospective.

BUT EVEN THOUGH YOUR DEEPLY HURT 😔 AND SCARED 😱😟 IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO HURT OTHERS FOR YOU TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

This is me with my mother. Every part of it. I was the child she picked on and treated different.

This is the opposite of my experience. I was the "bad" kid and developed PTSD. A sibling was the "good one" and developed narcissistic traits.

The problem for the child who pleases, entertains and uses huge energy just to please their parents or make them laugh.... is underneath it all angry even in rage, in deep deep sadness and usually has an obvious eating disorder - that's usually tragically ignored!

It stems from unforgiveness and bitterness

Here is an OPPOSITE view: The Trophy Child, is the more damaged one,than the WILLFUL one. And here is why: The Trophy Child is ONLY loved as an "object." As a performer of outside behaviors, pleasing the parents. It is, therefore, a false love, which, the Trophy child feels; "If I don't get the good grades, I will not be loved." And so, grows up, not ever having a sense of connection to a True Self. Whereas, the Willful Child, though suffering from not being the favored one ( of two siblings let's say)... at LEAST has a "will." ie. HAS a sense of self. A sense of "I am me. Not what you want "me" to be. That is NOT me." The Trophy Child has no self, in this regard. And THAT is where Narcissistic Personality Disorder kicks in -- the purpose of which, is to CREATE a "Self." But, since it is a "False Self"... it is in the realm of "Narcissism."

'circuit breaker' what a perfect description.

To Dean, No, ECT cannot correct NPD. The only treatment is specialized and long-term psychotherapy. The probability of success is not high though.

I have both a father and mother that are narcissists - why do I feel angry/rage towards them all the time? I've learned a lot and stay away from them as much as possible. But at family occasions, how do I "deal" with them? A burden.. that's so true. For the longest time I felt I was a mistake, or didn't want to be born... I'm still dealing with this: I recently found out it's both parents, and my mother also has bi-polar disorder.. either that or she's been misdiagnosed... Can you misdiagnose bi-polar with narcissism? In my 30's I had all memories come back.... I didn't believe a Dr. I had talked to originally... but wow, he was right!

I was registered nurse for 33 yrs Diagnosed with Bipolar in 1989 and recently with BPD I have professional experience in acute psychiatrif and forensic psychiatry. I Am a single mother who raised and payed foe my daughter's university education It is distasteful how you have clumped "disorders" together Emotional manipulation disorders.

But the same childhood conditions described here that supposedly cause NPD are ALSO the same conditions that a Co Dependent experiences! So this really doesn't explain anything at all as to why one person develops a false self and the other becomes co dependent?

this man is a miracle worker

I disagree. "labels" or diagnostic terms help us understand a problem so that we effectively treat it. Moreover, once you know about a problem, then, as a client or patient, you have can more forward with purpose and focus in a pursuit to solve it. Imagine saying that to a medical doctor. You would get the same response. Also, your response about "we are who we are..." give people permission to hurt others. If we are harmful to others because of some form of psychopatholgy or psychological problem/issue, then we owe it to ourselves and to them to get help.

Narcissism is inherited. PERIOD!

OMG Im stunned at how perfectly described my relationship with my last partner. The massive amounts of confusion, sadness, and anger have been lifted and I feel so much better having understanding. Thanks for sharing this wonderful content!!!

Dr. Ross, what I just watched in this video described my entire life without skipping a single beat. I'm 33 and my parents treated exactly what you described. and I carry the difficulty, pain, and everything you described. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. The way I cope is by staying stimulated by working or "keeping myself busy." I just recently got laid off from my job and I haven't been busy. Then my mind have been thinking of negative thoughts, because working was my only way of coping. So I knew something was wrong with me. I recently made an appointment to see a therapist. But I ran in to your video and my jaw dropped. You described my whole life in 6 minutes. My only question is how to I take care of this so I can feel normal again. I'll do whatever it takes.

I agree that childhood trauma is definitely one of the causes of narcissism. I have six brothers and only one possesses most of the narcissistic traits. He is selfish, lacks emphathy. He show extreme grandiosity, seeks out drama and will generally not show any interest in anything that is not focused on himself. He manifest most of the narcissistic traits and will hurt you without any remorse. Reasons why he is like this: he wasn't raised. He left home where he lived with my mom at a very young age, went to live with his father but left to fend for himself after only a very short time. He never finishes anything he starts and doesn't really have any life skills that will ensure that he will succeed.

I am the gifted child. My brother is the "woeful child." My blood boils at the absolute ignorance that is fundamental to all narcissism.

Ross, you should change the name of narcissism too, I think it would help more people by taking away the shame from this word as well, since they're are not choosing to be treated this way as a child, but they can choose to get help later on and it's easier to be more willing if you're searching for something for yourself rather than what they need to change for others and I feel that's what the word narcissist implies now. I thought Self-Loss-Dissonance-Disorder would go nicely, as it was caused by a manipulator constantly clashing(disonance) with the child's needs to where they felt they could not(loss) have anything they need or want without it being an inconvenience to others. I think it goes nicely with Self-Love-Deficient-Disorder too.

My acquaintance who is a narc. Had an alcoholic mother an abusive father . He was the only boy, the strongest willed kid. Poor kid

All true. I develop perfectionism and avoidance to cope. True about childhood. Addictions, compulsions, all to escape this pain and fear of connection. My father was narcissistic alcoholic, and mother never support or acnowledge my pain and horror.

My mother was the narcissist and I was labelled the bad, problematic child, the scapegoat, while my only sibling was the 'golden child". It took me 55 years to realize that I wasn't the problem, that my mother was mentally ill and it was the her mental illness that systematically destroyed the family. I am not a victim, I am a survivor but just as the emotional abuse was applied layer by layer over years and years.... the healing is an ongoing process too. It's about deep inner scrutiny, rigorous honesty, and developing healthy boundaries and transcending the perceptions that were projected outwards that were not mine to carry. We all have narcissistic tendencies and most temper it with humility (not shame) and since this mental disorder has various levels within the spectrum, one must do that self scrutiny to be able to see what was projected and what is perpetuated.

Hello Mr. Rosenberg, This is so very true. I am living with a man whose mother describes her 2 sons in exactly this way. They were born less than a year apart, and the first son as a baby loved to cuddle, but her second son NEVER wanted to cuddle and seemed to be "Born independent" learning to crawl very quickly, and always off exploring. He does have ADHD, Dyslexia, and an extremely high IQ. He was tagged as the problem child and went to a special school in DC for ADHD but always was the class clown and getting into mischief. I lean towards a codependent side that I have been researching based on my own upbringing and life experience. In this current scenario, I can't seem to pin point who is what? In many ways I feel like myself and my SO are both codependents that have bonded and seem to totally "relate" to eachother? As a teenager I was diagnoses as BPD, but I don't know how accurate this diagnosis was? I've listened to this clip at least 5 times now. It is so enlightening.

While this is heartbreaking. I’ve had to go no contact with my neighbor who I believe is a covert narcissist.

I also don't agree with your theory, my mother is a narcissist and was adored, put on a pedastal, and praised to her siblings by her parents. She was the one who rejected close contact, punished nonconformity and sang her own praises to everyone around her. She never owns up to any errors, is a liar and lives in a fantasy worlds where she is perfect while playing the martyr, she hasn't changed one iota since her childhood according to my aunt her sister.

Wow, Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden fucking saved my life. I love that man with all my heart and soul. May he live to see 100.

I was in a one-sided relationship for 27 years before I actually KNEW He didn't love me (I felt unloved but thought it was just 'my problem'), I then started realising that the way he treat me was actually abuse, I then slowly realised he was actually emotionally and mentally abusing me, I always thought it was my fault and I was just getting it wrong all the time and if I could just get it right, He'd be ok, or if I didn't allow his behaviour and attitude to affect me I would be ok. I blamed myself and took the blame for everything and thought if I could just change me, or 'get better' or 'stop being like this, he wouldn't be like that and we'd be ok or I'd be ok, sometimes I thought if he wasn't like that we'd never fall out because he was sooooo critical or defensive and his best form of defense was attack. . He provoked arguments some times for months before I snapped , then he'd calm down and say what's wrong? I haven't said/done anything, He confused me and twisted things all the time. I loved him and couldn't understand what I had done wrong or what was wrong with me or why can't I just get it right. We had kids so I had to 'work at our relationship' It was a slow gradual deterioration but he got nastier and nastier and the more i noticed or commented the worse he got, the more I asked him not to or tried to find or suggest ways to 'make it work' he got worse and actually did the opposite, I have tried everything and anything! I left in Feb, because I thought I would never be who he wanted me to be (his mum) He convinced me to come back 6 wks later to promises that lasted 3 days! Then April I went for NLP to change me again! and discovered he had NPD! everything fell into place immediately! I hardly needed to research, because I had lived it, I just needed the 'names' and that explained everything. Since then I have realised and seen more and more and understood that actually I think he has the worst kind of NPD, He is a predator and a Covert! and in August after realising he was actually now working through our daughter to destroy me and was in fact destroying her from the inside without her even being aware, seeing how low he would go to destroy me, I packed his cases while he was at work, put them outside and locked all the doors. He cried and was shocked???? shocked? I've been warning him for 12 months if he didn't stop abusing me, this would happen, and and since June I had been asking him to leave, He slept in the garage for 2 days and said he was going to live in there, I finally convinced him to leave and he is supposed to be getting his-self sorted and better so that we can think about maybe getting back. Part of me says give up, Let go, He will NEVER and CANNOT CHANGE! THIS IS HIM! HIS PERSONALITY! another part says just give it this last chance because he did sound like he had, had enough of hurting and being like that and he was admitting he had treated me wrong. Part of me really wants to believe he does or at least did or even could love me if he could just breakthrough this (barrier) Another part of me has just had enough and wants to let go, get it over with and move on. if I am nice, sympathetic and 'appeal to his better nature' (whatever that is ? I'm confused now) he seems more reasonable, yet if I challenge him or threaten him inadvertently or outright, get angry/criticise him, or reveal 'I KNOW what you're doing'' or 'this time you won't...' He hates that! He get's really nasty in a sinister way,or just looks evil and full of hate, scorn and sheer anger! ' He is even worse towards me, The angrier he get's the more sinister he becomes because he just 'looks' In 28 years I have heard him shout at me once! Yet I am terrified of what he is capable of because I have seen 'that look' in his eyes! Just a flash! a split-second! but I've seen it and he knows that and hates it when I see it/say it. At the moment he is pleading and hoping I will just hold on that bit longer, give him chance to show me, he is going to get better! Yet in my heart sometimes I think I know if I say NO CHANCE, THAT'S IT WE ARE DEFINITELY THROUGH, he'll drop me like a dirty dish rag! and move on! other times I feel scared of what he might say or do next, and sometimes I even think he only wants me to hold on because he is planning something and he's not quite ready to DUMP ME or whatever he is planning, My scariest main thought is he is just waiting until he can cover up enough (learn how to be) to get back in then HE'LL FINISH THE JOB OFF PROPERLY! HE HAS TO SEE IT FINISHED HOW HE HAS PLANNED IT,NOT ME, SO THAT HE CAN WIN! IT'S HIS GAME AND HE HAS GOT TO BE THE WINNER! and he won't stop until it is finished and he has won! So am I co dependant? Active? maybe was passive? and can he actually be half telling the truth, wanting to change and hoping his therapist can give him the magic recipe so he can do it and sort his-self out. and/ or still fluctuating between that and/or picking up more defence tips so that he can ultimately 'get his revenge and WIN?

Brilliant education thank you. Many decades later I’m aware I asked to many questions and I did not become part of the co dependent triangulation and manipulation. I was scapegoat and I as a teenager felt if they think I’m wrong they won’t be shocked if I am. I was still kind and attracted many damaged people that I could have totally gone off the rails. These people learnt me so much. I’m now feeling sad that those with mental health issues, that chose to say they have none and they are not that kind of family, can chose over age of 18 (their human rights) to not seek help via professionals, medication or self help. What about the children that are reliant on these adults and domestic abuse and patterns are being passed on? Where are the human rights of the young? My whole family have rejected me as I speak the truth, as all in denial with huge secrets they have all stuck together. Looks like it is me, but I know truth and I am blessed that I have not gone mad with their projections of them onto me. Love your videos thank you 😘🙏🏼😇

The narcissist I know have a very strange "closeness" with their mothers. One narcissist I know is 60yrs old and the other is 35yrs old. They both have more of a "child/mother" relationship rather than an "adult/mother" relationship with their mothers. Both of the narcissist mothers are very smothering. Its very bizzar.

I could not forget the trauma oc my childhood.

Wow, I have no words and always have an opinion. God told me to help a narcisstic guy and I refuses, omg, now I know why

WOW, this describes my husband and sons relationship to a tee. I wish I found this video a long time ago. Thank you.

Good stuff! Glad to hear that psychology is catching up to reality - finally.

I have a theory that we are all born as narcissists. As an infant, it may be that we are, to ourselves, THE centre of the universe, and in my view the maturation process is a long sliding scale of giving increasing room in our consciousness for others, until we finally, at some stage, join the human race. To do this we have to realise we are just one of the gang and that others have thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, needs,etc, just like we do. I think malignant narcissists suffer from some kind of arrested development during this process. It is a feeling thing, and feelings are very difficult to change - we have to want to change. But, we are asking them to give up drama for tranquility, to give up efforts to control in exchange for acceptance for things as they are etc etc. It is a helluva leap for people who are like three-year-olds in adult bodies! I do think it is necessary to be firm with them as one would be with a naughty three-year-old, and not to consider them as fully functional adults. I think a great deal of hurt, frustration, disappointment etc can be avoided if we don't expect them to be be satisfactory in any adult way and don't get into adult type relationships with them. I would be interested, Russ, in what you think of my theory. We have a violent malignant narcissist in our family, who has created mayhem for decades, so I have some direct experience.

There's a song by Madonna, titled Secret, and there's a line in it that goes: "Until I learned to love myself, I was never ever loving anybody else" Brilliant line, and I think it's about narcissism, it sums up the idea that narcissists are unable to truly love and care about anyone other than themselves, as long as they are damaged by the notion that deep inside they are unlovable. What or who did this damage to them, varies from person to person. But if you don't feel loved and nourished emotionally, you will have no emotions to give to others in return. You will always try to nourish yourself first. So no, I don't think narcissists actually love themselves. They just desperately try to, throughout all their life. But I feel sorry for them because they are damaged, just like Mr. Rosenberg says it in the clip above.

Ross, thank you for putting all of this out there. I've been finally recovering from codependency for about 4 mos now. These past months have been very enlightening. Can you verify my thoughts on me being the golden child when I was a kid? I am the youngest of 2 girls, mother is a pathological covert narc, sister is a narc, father is the narc enabler. I began straying from what was expected in high school when I chose to play a different sport from what my parents knew. This is when I feel that the tides began to turn. My sister went into horrible rages when we were children and continued into adulthood. I learned how to be quiet and make my parents happy and therefore didn't get yelled at much. Through college, I progressed on my journey and left home for good when I was 21, still maintaining contact. My sister stayed at home and now is the grandbaby producer for my mother. I feel that I am now the scapegoat and she is the golden child. I am currently no contact from them all, but just wanted to confirm that I was the likely golden child when I was young.

This is amazing and sets a new standard of insight and awareness on human development. Truly a force of good in the world to help change for the better.

So essentially the nail that sticks out needs to be hammered down. And while we're at it, let's make money off of other people's misery!

You got me so interested then the video ended so quickly. You are a great orator and I really enjoyed your brief explanation of where NPD comes from.

I was raised by a narcissist and I am a narcissist......There, I said it.....I have wondered all of my life why I do things, and why I think and feel things, and why I make people feel certain ways...and yes I always get my way....I want to change...Now how do I change?

I wish I knew how to get past this-- I was forgotten and now I am so damaged by trying to do the right thing. I spent so much time trying to get my Mom to love me, to want good things to happen to me...now I am like a ship wrecked on the beach, and she laughs at me and makes excuses about how nothing is her fault. Strange to live with this....

From a heartbroken Mom My firstborn daughter was always very independent and standoffish as a baby and toddler, never seem to respond to consequences for actions, grew into an adolescent who lied frequently, always pushed boundaries, had trouble keeping friends. We thought we tried all we could to love her and give her boundaries. At 18 she moved out saying she didn't need us anymore and I am filled with shame. So this is all my fault for not trying harder or finding a better way to love her. Am I really the problem? I thought I was being a good parent. I am desperately searching for a way move on. Any advice?

In my region (SE Tennessee), this is how mental health professionals (mis)treat single moms. The ethics of care usually deals with parent-child relationships, but it extends into other caregiver roles as well, including that of mental health services. It's very painful even as an adult to be (mis)treated this way, and it indirectly hurts our children, encouraging narcissistic traits to emerge in their behavior also. It appears to be impossible for us single moms to be allowed to grow in the ways we need to in order to be healthy due to the limited, uncaring, and sometimes illegal healthcare services we receive, and the church leaders are no better. The trickiest part is probably with our general practitioners who have the duty of taking in all the data from different specialists dealing with different functions of separate body parts and gauging from there how well the person is actually able to function in a different culture. We single moms cannot go to med school to figure out what the general practitioners are neglecting to factor in, and yet it's our job to get them to pay attention to what they should already know--and they have less time than anyone to spend with us. Over time, we learn that we pretty much have to serve as emotional geishas to our healthcare providers and church leaders just to maintain the status quo level of service that is already far too low to be considered non-exploitative. We single moms seem to be turning into their new drug--we can only receive as much service as the good we make the service providers feel in our presence., Scary stuff! The providers who don't do this will not confront their professional counterparts or stand up for us moms, choosing instead to turn a blind eye or quickly change jobs, leaving us high and dry. My research suggests it might be a side effect of workplace bullying spilling out into the treatment of patients and clients who are parents, since parenting is a type of essential work but one that is viewed as unofficial work in modern American culture. Instead of being able to collect our child support after divorce, we are given food stamps and health insurance instead, so we are not allowed to handle any money ourselves, and our choices are limited by those the healthcare providers decide to extend to us. Meanwhile the government keeps paying the insurance companies to pay the healthcare providers to (mis)treat us while the government insists we must become self-sufficient in order to no longer require the (mis)treatment. It's a miss I wish I could help alleviate, but all autonomy in this area appears to have been taken away. There's a lot of money to be made by professionals who keep us in unnecessary pain and dependent on their approval whether or not they realize it, and so I imagine as long as such professional incompetency is profitable it will continue and possibly thrive. If anyone knows of a viable way of tackling this, please do tell!

I was terribly abused by my narcis mother from a very young age.. I began fighting against her when I was a teenager. but I didn't know the world to be any better and I did feel cut off... My sister was the willful who teamed up with her against me.. my dad so hurt n down not in the picture.. I'm 22 trying to recover but I'm so out of love and all the feelings of it. my innocence, emotions, and my intimacy were all thoroughly violated by my disgusting mother

I just watched your video on the covert narcissist and it 100% describes my father, a minister who people thought walked on water. My mother and siblings knew different as before and after church he was cruel, angry, and always calling us curses. It seems no wonder that my older brother, younger sister, and I are all in relationships with people that I think are emotional manipulators. Just like my father practically denied us as his children and lead a life separate from us, my partner denies that we are together and hides me from practically everyone.. he leads a double life. My heart breaks as I hear this video describe the childhood of the Emotional Manipulator. I realize my parents never showed me how they cared for themselves and I realize that I lack this very thing myself as I live with my partner and get exposed to the drama everyday of denying myself as I always attempt to try and court the favor of my partner by trying to do and say the right thing.. not to get necessarily a good result, but to fend off his ignoring me or hurting me with his words. I am so thankful for your youtube sight where for the first time, I really feel like someone understands what this is all about and perhaps can begin addressing this issue that has severely impacted by life negatively. I knew there was no way to try and win my father's favor.. I am not sure what my mother was if not someone who is a codependent. I always attempted to try and get her love even to the point of rejecting anything having to do with my father, even the subject of being man and growing up to be an adult.. I tried to stay small and sexless, but puberty hit and the sexual thoughts came... I couldn't stop them.... talk about shame.. I always felt like I was headed to hell, but this cemented that thought even more. I remember coming home from elementary school and not finding my mother there, I thought God came and got her and left me behind.. we watched movies about the time period known as the tribulation that described it as hell on earth.. I was so afraid.. my mother would usually come back from the store or have been out back folding clothes and I missed seeing her... she would find me on the doorstep to our house crying. after I hit puberty, I went from shame to hating myself. How to come back from all this???? I am trying.. I got a job working with kids where I observed a lot of toxic behavior and beliefs that contributed to their problems and I learned much about myself.. namely that I hated myself for the longest time and though I can say that I don't hate myself any longer, I still have a ways to go before I can say that I love myself. I could never look into a mirror for the longest times and I don't like my picture taken because I think I look hideous.. but I am trying to educate myself and in recognizing how my narcissist is aggravating my problem because he will make new friends and spend no time with me, I realize that I need to do something in order to take back control over how I feel.. to the extent I can because the toll of being so emotionally reactive is greater than I want to put up with. Again thank you for your wisdom and your videos. I am actually beginning to look for a counselor to help me in healing my self-love deficit..

I believe my son is a narcissist and he became that way being the golden child. He’s the first born to me and his father and on both sides of the family. No one told him no until he was older and now he lashes out and acts up horribly. He doesn’t think he needs to be accountable because he did not have to be.

Well stated as to why emotional manipulators and abusers don't seek help. I know the mother of my children had a terribly painful childhood. On one side, neglect. On the other, devalued for that parent's selfish pursuits. Our children, one (10) loves everyone and the other (15) is so shut down emotionally, won't even accept hugs, give them or accept kisses and is not engaging. They split time between their parents' houses. It wasn't until after the parents separated and divorced and more rage became the norm that I sought insight through books and thought leaders. I've seen darkness for my children, but especially my oldest. I know it's because her mother was deeply damaged, more than I could imagine, as a child. Mom's brother is too, but only in a different way. He doesn't seem to be an abuser, he just has coped and self protected in a different, counter-culture way. He probably isn't even aware of it.

Let there be light. Thanks.

thank you.

Excellent: now I have a grater understanding about how these ppl work and how they got like this.

thank you so much.... I am starting to understand more about myself and the conditions that have helped to mold me into the adult that i have become..... I am also able to understand more clearly about the actions of the narcissists in my life. Arming my mind so that i can nourish my spirit.

Childhood is the most important thing for a child if you're childhood is really bad your gonna be damaged as an adult!

I was the 2nd child, my sister was the bad child, I was the angel that could do no wrong, my mother loved me to the point of almost smothering me. My dad would always teach me things to the point I hated history because I've learn so much more through him, then in class it was all just repeating of what I already knew. But there's this unspoken code of how a father and son can't show affection. I was going to say how can I be this way when I had such a loving childhood, but only until I seen I was only talking about my mother did I realize I left my dad out completely. I have closed down emotionally, I lost hope for being considered lovable, I feel unworthy, I'm full of shame. But I know people love me, I trust people blindly, I expect the worst, and hope for the best. I know I need these people in my life but I shut everyone out. I'm scared that I could be a narcissist.

Narcissists choose who is gonna be the trophy child and who is going to be the scapegoat. They do this because it meets their needs. The child cannot meet the narcissistic parents needs because only the chosen child can do this. The child that is not the chosen child cannot meet the narcissists needs because that is not the role the narcissist has for them. It doesn't matter how much they can figure out how to please the narcissistic parent, only the trophy child is allowed this role. Mary Tyler Moore played this role of the narcissistic mother very well in a movie Ordinary People...I think was the name of it. Her trophy son died and she was left with the other son who was second rate to her.

Wow This guy described me exactly!

Dr. Rosenberg, I agree; labels are perimeters; it offers a guideline to the original problem, although every single case varies. It does provide some kind of structure in order to diagnose a system of behaviors. If there is no outline to a problem, it can take many more years to find some type of resolution, or conclusion. At least labels offer some type of conformity to uniformed behaviors, as strange as they may be. A reference point is truly critical, at least in my case. I learned of narcissism about 6 months ago; it just blew my mind! So, there is speculation that what I have suffered does have a root cause. I never knew that; I thought "I am the only one." I said on a narcissism site months ago that being with a narcissist is like poking a sea urchin; they respond with a purple fluid, if you poke them, but it is a reaction, not a thought, or a determination; it is almost as if they just respond to things, but they are incapable of ever thinking anything out. I found this urchin on a street by the beach many years ago; I was a child. I did poke thing, and it did not respond unless I poked it. Narcissists are like an urchin out of the ocean; I just don't think they know how to live, or give, or respond. If they do respond at all, it is a "protection mode." They react, but they never really live.

What is that called, when a child's parents don't respond to a child's healthy attempts to solicit love/need fulfillment/concern/interest/care, and the child grows up believing them self unworthy and or incapable of eliciting this response from others?

:'/ wow this actually really hit home a lot..thankfully though I stopped manipulating people and learned how wronged and pathetic and selfish it is but every single word this man said I felt and related to completely I can't remember my childhood and I honestly don't want but I think maybe I should get counseling after everything this man has said

What these people like Ross seems unaware of is the fact that children that are abused most likely will not become narcissist. The children can just as well see that he or she is a better person than the parents, and thereby develop a high level of self-esteem and self-respect. Ross does the same mistake as so many others in his profession, he condemns the victim to become a peronality disordered individual without compassion. The opposite is often the fact.

So heartbreaking

Excellent. Looking into my partners life this is exactly what he explains to me, and he is now a Narcissist himself :( due to his treatment from his N mother and golden child brother, but we can talk about it and understanding helps a lot. i am quite strong and have not allowed him to disrespect me and I stand up for myself..maybe because I was 'trained' by a Narcissistic mother too! I had similar demeaning treatment from my mother but my brother was 'the golden child' and could do now wrong, even when he did, my mother instructed our father to 'stop getting on his case' so much so that eventually he would mutter to my brother 'one day you will get your come uppance' which means it will all catch up with him, the bad things he got away with, and overall, I think my brother came off worse, as due to being my mother's 'golden child', he had a non existant relationship with my father, and I had a wonderful one with my Dad..and now my brother is on his 2nd marriage and all he thinks about is making money, and his status and what big car he has just bought..etc etc and comes by money not always lawfully. He has duped and stolen our family inheritance for himself, because he felt he could get away with it, and he sleeps at night..I take consolation in being the better person. I am sure I hung onto my decency and conscience when he was lost in the mire. He did once say to me that he used to 'watch how you and Mum intereact and choose not to make the same mistakes that you make' ..How scheming is that for a child? (He was 9 yrs old and I was 7 yrs older) I could really identify with what you said. I am going to watch your other videos now. Thanks for yet more insight!

Sam V. said on his video that he sobs (or something similar, I cant remember exactly) in his dreams but he doesn't feel anything while awake.

Its funny how I just come to watch this video...This morning around 7am....My partner came into my bedroom..(..we don't share a bed because I have fibromyalgia and if my partner even so much as bumped into me while sleeping next to me, It would hurt me a lot...The pain and sensitivity are extreme, so I must sleep alone...) anyway he came into my room and I felt his hand on my arm while he was telling me to wake up your having a bad dream...I came around and I was still in shock because of my nightmare. I was dreaming that my father was standing on the stairs and I was standing below him a few steps down on the stairs. The dream started with me being with a beautiful mixed race man that I was in love with back in the 90s (, He also had told me previously in a phone call that he too loved me...this was the first time he had said this to me, I had known him for approximately 18mnts by this time, but I was very shy with him, even though I was 29yrs old at this time in my life...I was so attracted to him. I was scared to let him know because I could not bare the thought that he might not like me back. Anyway...Right now I am a 56yr old woman. I will tell you about the dream as it was so clear and it ran from beginning to the end of the dream like an episode on the tv....I had met this man that I was in love with...His name is Terry, I had brought him to my family home. The next thing that happened was, I was in my fathers bedroom, he was in bed. I said to him( This is all in my dream..just so you know..).." Dad I want to tell you something. He looked up at me from his bed....I said to him..." I have brought the man I am going to marry for you to meet he Is downstairs...He is a mixed race man."...My father jumped from off the bed and snarled at me and said " yeah his fuckin black, that doesn't surprise me."...The next scene from my nightmare was the part where we were both on the stairs. My father standing above me, and I was facing him, looking up at him from my position on the steps below him....He had 2 eating forks in his hand and I also had 2 eating forks in my hand. I felt he was going to stab me with the fork. I was holding my fork ready to defend my self when he knocked the two of them out of my hand...I could see he was about to stab me with the fork in his hand. I began to scream out Terrys name...I remember calling his name a few times...and in my mind I said to myself..Terrry must be out in the back garden, that's why he is not coming to help me...I called his name again...in utter terror as my father was looming over me snarling and aggressive.....That's when my partner was calling my name and telling me to wake up its a bad dream you are having. Well I woke up and I was in shock..My partner told me he could hear me screaming very loudly, he knew what was happening to me as these night mares are quite common for me and I am prone to these desperate dreams and they are often about my father....He actually was a very cruel man and he beat me all through my childhood right up until I left home at 17yrs old....He was an alcoholic violent horrible cruel man.....he died a year ago here in Ireland where I now live.......what would you make off all what I have written here ???...........Thank you....Mary....x

The narc that I know was adopted (abandoned my mother) and from what I can tell was not abused by her adoptive parents so the above makes sense. She was abused by her adopted sister and I suspect that, that abuse was pretty horrific as that sister was in and out of psychiatric institutions way back in the 60's, suggesting that she was in a bad way. The narc in this situation always felt intimidated by her adopted sister. The narc also struggles with memories from that time and in fact struggles with memories period including not being able to remember dreams. She accuses me of living in the past simply because I can remember the past, including her past as I have known her for 36 years. She is also fascinated by the fact that I easily recall dreams and is pretty dismissive of the level of insight that I have.

Oh yes, I had that rage. I've this memory that is vague but I was maybe about 7 or 8 years old and passed from pillar to post in foster care, I was told that as it was apparent that I was full of blood curdling rage I could be shut in this room that was only filled with storage lockers and had a window I was allowed to go 'ape' on these lockers as they waited beyond a door with a window, so I did! I don't know how many minuets I was in there for but I raged untill I was spent, it was such a release for me and I felt calmer afterwards. What a great member of staff she was and it may've averted me becoming a child murderer or something?!

Open abuse against helpless. In public in daylight at a busy city holiday sight. Father toward daughter. What do you do when you see that? Here's the story: I was walking to work by Cardiff Castle this morning, it was a beautiful morning sunny with light breeze and finally bit warmer :) Out of the castle (apparently on holiday) were limping a girl on crutches with what looked like her father, they were both tall, he was about a head taller than her, big guy. Out of the blue he hit her head so hard she almost fell over and her head turned my way. I mean RAGE. I froze in shock. They both saw my face in horror as I stood there motionless for second, without hesitation he rushed her to walk. I was walking the same way behind them and shouted to him 'You can't treat your daughter like that', they didn't stop he kept rushing her further. I said 'Excuse me, you can't treat your daughter like that, excuse me'. He turned around to me and said 'I'm not talking to you' and carried on. Her mum was there and her two sisters. Nobody said a thing. This girl was about 16,17,18y almost an adult, totally humiliated in public, (on regular basis no doubt) a girl who was already hurt - on crutches! This soul is being set up through her young and painful life, and groomed for a string of VERY abusive relationships in the future. She has no boundaries, she is a thing. Anyone can do anything to her and there's no one to protect her. Never was.

Hi Ross, interesting lecture! I just have a couple questions: 1. What are your thoughts on children developing narcissism or narcissistic traits as a result of being idealized? 2. Do you think that narcissism can be developed from having role models who are egocentric or narcissistic? Thanks!

From personal experience i say that this is a far too simple analysis. As a golden child I turned into a pathological co dependent. I did not trust adults! I could see how my older scapegoat sibling was abused. all I learnt was how to not be. I had to not be anything like my older sibling! But that created a smokescreen as to who I was. the false nice persona I created was just to survive but I was a shell of a human being until I cleared out the debris and uncovered all my coping skills and defence mechanisms. meanwhile my theoretically more/ worse abused older sibling managed to get away as quickly as possible and created a great life for herself. which one would you suppose stayed married for 36 years? clue: not me as I people pleased my was into increasingly abusive relationships. neither of us thank God are npd. but from your analysis I expect that it eould be my older sister as her childhood was extremely brutal compared to mine...

ARE YOU CO-DEPENDANT IF ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN AND JUST FIGHT OR KEEP TRYING TO GET THIS BY TRYING TO LOVE THEM ENOUGH OR JUST GET IT RIGHT OR TRY TO BE OR DO WHAT THEY WANT SO THEY WILL LOVE YOU?

What about the adult child who is a narcissist? I don't see a single thing online, about that! It's either about a husband or wife who is a narcissist, or a mother or father who is a narcissist, but what about an adult child who uses their child as a pawn, keeping them from their grandparents, because they can't manipulate the parent, after the parent has continually reached out to that adult child? Because the law is on their side, that a parent is always right, unless there is physical abuse! What about the psychological abuse that they inflict on the grandchild, who loves the grandparents, but is being alienated from them because the adult child isn't getting what they want?

Wow, this is good, really gave some revelations on my false beliefs from my childhood.

5:07 Ok, there’s the “abused, neglected, and unloved” scenario. But isn’t there also a “permissively parented, over-indulged, spoiled brat” scenario, as well? Ok, I guess that’s the “neglected” part.

I was always taught by my parents that I am bad naughty evil child and that I am lucky that they just hit me with stick because any other parent would put me into orphanage and compared me to other kids. They would also always say that they don’t care about good grades but if I ever brought worse grade that B they would tell me that I am going to end up on the street.

How about an untreated BPD mother would that be the recipe for a narcissistic son?

I 100% disagree with this theory. How do you explain out of 3 siblings only one is a text book narc? The same parents of all spent the narcs childhood catering to and cajoling the one child?

finally, an explanation !

thank you, especially the part about emotional manipulators not seeking help.

I'm not sure if I got this right or wrong from listening to you but if I'm not mistaken it sounds to me like you're saying the abuse child became the narcissist if that is in fact what you're saying you couldn't be more wrong! Because I was the abuse child that you talked about but I am not the narcissist! The Golden Child that was not abused is the narcissist in my family I came out wonderful did I have some issues yes, do I have some issues yes but I do not take medication for it and I'm very well-adjusted and I figured it out myself I didn't have to go through all the Psychotherapy to figure it out and I am worthy of love, it just took a lot of good loving people around me that were not narcissist to show me that I am a good person and I prevailed the disorder came from the narcissist who tried to impose their sickness on me and I was not willing to accept from babyhood on up and I will never accept so maybe if what you're saying is the victim becomes the narcissist you need to really evaluate that and unless you actually dealt with one yourself and your household where you had to actually grow up with one I don't care how many you knew unless you lived with it you could actually never know what it is truly like.

Oh, oh. This is me up to 4:21, but I'm not a clinical NPD. This was my mother for sure. I can have some sympathy for her now. Is there hope for me? How long and what treatments work for Adult Children of Narcissists? Thank you, sir.

I know people who are emotional manipulative narcissistic and I am trying to recover from being a codependent person myself. I am divorced from a narcissistic sociopath who claimed to be a true "christian' All I can say, is God help us all. I'm believing that the God who made me can heal me.

Narcissists will even re write history to meet the roles that they have created in their minds with regard to their children. example.....the chosen child may be remembered as being the best in sports even though the non chosen child was actually much better. They choose to do this. They are bat shit crazy in that they are living in somewhat of a fantasy world that suits them. They often have children to meet their needs. They can appear to be very nice and genuine to the ones who they have chosen. Very confusing for a child and when you figure mom out as an adult it is very anger inducing for a long time. Sometimes both parents are narcissists. Mutual admiration. The best you can do is accept this and don't depend on them for your self esteem. lol. Imagine the chosen one. They actually end up with problems as well. Because they have been lied to as well. Overinflated opinions of themselves based on too much adulation for nothing by their narcissistic mothers. Then they hit the real world and it is a reality check that they may not be able to navigate as well as the non chosen child.

I was labeled "problem child",but I'm the good kid. My parents always favore immoral abled-bodied sister over me---the good handicapped kid. I always worked hard despite poor grades stemming from my learning disability---amongst my 3 disabilities. After hearing so many narcissisim videos, I see how one in my shoes would more than likely be immoral. I just don't have it in my to make a career of malice. I value trust and respect. I spent my childhood watching my sister continuously get into trouble. She got 64 spanking in 1978 alone; she was six. Unlike her, I never a diploma and curfew simultaneously. She could have had an ideal life, but is has been in trouble her adulthood; she's 44 and I'm 47. I love my evolution. It was intricate with all these jealous welfare abled-bodies against a handicapped rich kid. My parents knowingly move my sister and me here in 1971 to a ghetto. We have a six-figured house whereas everyone else is from $80K to $95K. Check out Zillow.com

yes, this would be me and my nm except that my dad loved me and he made sure that I knew I was important to him. a child only need one person to believe in them to give them a chance. I still struggle with rewiring my neuropathways by consciously reacting to my nm in new ways but it's hard. I've had to "find" myself do to speak

I feel understood again. Just like after taking the MBTI test. Thanks.

can a covert Narcissist also be a passive co-dependant?