The corpses that changed my life | Caitlin Doughty | TEDxVienna 

What other deathlings are watching ?

I feel the fact that Caitlin's funeral home in California is a non-profit is testament to her true dedication to supporting the loved ones of the deceased.

This woman’s RU-vid channel is one of the most fascinating and informative I’ve ever watched. Love her

Dear people who don't get her, joking is coping. Everyone has their own way about things, dont be upset because she isnt you. She is a very respectful, relatable woman.

"Death is not an emergency." Such a profound sentence.

I'm a simple deathling, I see mama I click

omfg she got a ted talk?! Good for her one of my favorite youtubers!

When my Mom died, a grief counselor (a woman) came and guided the daughters (five of us) to bathe Mom's body, wash her hair and put her into a clean gown, and wrap her in a blanket before the funeral home people put her body in a velvet covering to take her. As we washed her hands the counselor reminded us of how many times those hands had caressed us, made food for us, cleaned for us. As we washed her feet we remembered all the steps she walked in her life, so many times to walk for us. We combed her hair and dried it and curled it the way she liked. She washed her face and remembered all the smiles and tears. We gathered her favorite make-up and her prettiest gown to send with her so she would look her best for the service. It was the last hour we spent with her and it is a precious, precious memory.

As someone closer to death than birth, this sounds like a much healthier way to approach death.

when my baby died, as soon as his body left the hospital morgue and went to the funeral home I went and held him for hours and kissed his little head, I told stories and cried. I went in every day till the day he was cremated. I dressed him, wrapped him in a baby blanket and placed him in his casket. I put 2 teddies in to keep him company, I also put a letter in there that I had wrote and a photo of me and his dad. I couldn't put my baby to bed so I put him in his final resting place. I also spent the morning holding him before his funeral. everyone said don't do it but I had to. I still remember the smell of the cold room he was in and the smell of his body starting to release his body oils, I still kissed his head anyway. im so gratful I could do that for my son. I had to not be selfish and do it because im his mum. it hurt so bad but im proud of myself. I am bawling my eyes out remembering though

are we really going to ignore how insanely shiny and beautiful her hair is ?

When my daughter died and I asked to see her, the drs and nurses said “oh, you don’t want to do that” as if I was crazy or ghoulish. I still, 46 years later, am ashamed that I was not strong enough to insist.

Did you guys feel that sudden heavy emotion when she started talking about her mother?

I have chronic depression and general anxiety disorder, and used to get panic attacks pretty much daily from thinking about death. I was so terrified of the thought of waking up one day to find that one of my parents had died in their sleep, or coming home in the afternoon to find one of my pets stiff and cold on the floor. It ruined my life, to the extent that I couldn't even enjoy being around people I loved because the thought of losing them made me so physically ill that would throw up. Then I found Caitlin. The first video I saw made me feel queasy. Was it really okay to talk like this about death? This most terrifying awful soulwrenching horror, how could someone smile while talking about it? But I was hooked, and the more I watched, the more relieved I felt. I have cried watching a few of your videos, Caitlin, but it was cathartic tears, tears of closure, of relief. I haven't had a panic attack in weeks now. Thank you Caitlin, with all my heart. Love, Jojo

"When I was a child my mother took care of me everyday. And when she dies, you better believe in gonna take care of her"

When my dad died I was 17, and he died close to christmas at home, so there was a whole load of snow and the roads were blocked so the hospital couldn't pick him up. I remember my mum spending the first night with him, and cleaning him up as the inevitable deterioration kicked in. And how much peace it gave her, and how much pain we all felt when he was taken away. I described this to a friend a couple of months later and he said it was really weird and something I shouldn't tell people and I've kept this guilt over it for years. And now I don't have to feel guilty...I don't have to feel weird. Thank you.

It’s weird how watching her videos makes me fear death less.

For those of you who don't know Caitlin has her own RU-vid channel and its very informative (go and support her!! ). Yall should go check it out. It helped me plan for my own funeral. :) #OrderOfTheGoodDeath

The mummified grandfather got a new set of clothes every morning? His hygiene is better than mine...

So happy to see Caitlin on bigger platforms! She's amazing and truly changed my views on death

"When I was younger, my mother took care of me every single day, and when she dies you'd better believe that I am the one to care for her." That was beautiful, it really touched my heart and brought me to tears Caitlin! Love the work you're doing.

She runs a youtube channel called 'Ask a Mortician' if anyones interested.

When my infant son died, I marveled at his whole body after he passed. Even at his funeral, I couldn't keep my hands off him. I loved him so much I just *had* to touch him. I'm so thankful that I had the opportunity to wash his body and dress him and take photos of him to hold forever. I probably would have thought it was strange, too, before it happened to me.

I love how she makes it ok to talk about death. I greatly appreciate all her videos and all her expertise.

As a 61 yr old female mortician, I totally concur with your brilliant words of wisdom. Thank you for elevating our profession.

Excellent! When my love passed, i bathed him, washed his hair, dressed him, closed his mouth and eyes, arranged his hands on his chest and when the funeral director came to collect him...he was stunned at my work. I am not in the business, i am just an ordinary housewife. I did it out of love and i walked away feeling so blessed to have given my lover the very best care from my hands and heart. It was me that pressed the button at the crematorium and send my lover to infinity and beyond. I do not regret a single moment. When my father passed, i took the shovel from the cemetary worker and shoveled dirt over my fathers casket until i physically was exhausted. No body...no body can respectfully place our loved ones into gods hands as well as a loving heart can. It brought peace to my soul to have voluntarily done what i did. Respect to morticians worldwide, and to those who hold us so gently at our last hour. ♡

I haven't taken care of a dead relative at this point in my life yet but I am a nurse. I have cared for numerous bodies in the hospital preparing them for their trip to the morgue so a funeral director could take them. I always considered it an honor to wash them (and no matter how much fluid leaked I kept cleaning or suctioning until they were spotless), an honor to remove a breathing tube, feeding tubes, IVs, catheters etc. I always talked to the body too, "we are going to roll you over" "almost done" "let's get this thing out of you, that's better" etc. I have my own beliefs and faith but I acknowledge I don't really know what happens when we die, but if a part of our consciousness is left I feel I owe it to that soul to respect their dignity at the end. Much love to Caitlin Doughty. I now know I am going to ask to care for my parents when they die if they are interested in that.

As a nurse, I encounter death on a regular basis. It is an incredibly intimate act to bathe and lay out a person's body, and even with a complete stranger it is a deeply emotional and touching act. People think I'm crazy or creepy when I say that it is a privilege to care for the dead, but they deserve to be treated with as much respect and kindness in death as they received in life. Do not fear the dead. They cannot hurt you.

any other deathlings here??

A friend of mine is a retired nurse. She has seen so much parental pain from still born babies, and it's almost impossible to find pretty burial clothes for a baby so small. She takes donated wedding dresses and makes beautiful burial gowns and donates them. She ships them all over the U.S. and it means so much to the parents.

My wife’s mother was killed in a car crash in Utah, on New Year’s Day in 2011. I joined my wife and her five sisters as they gathered at the mortuary the day before the funeral. They brought their mother’s makeup and curling irons and jewelry. They spent several hours preparing their mother for the funeral the next day. I watched them cry and mourn, and it morphed into laughter and relating happy memories and childhood stories. It was a truly healing event that brought them closer than ever. It was exactly what their mother would want for her daughters. It was not scary or weird in any way. It was a wonderful tribute, and their mother looked beautiful. Truly as if she were simply sleeping. It’s a shame this isn’t encouraged in the US.

Honestly, remembering Caitlin's advice helped me grieve my grandfather properly. I demanded to see his body, and the funeral home tried to deny me that chance. I pushed harder, and finally they let me see him before any embalming was done. I was able to sit, talk with him, hold his hand, and see what he looked like before they made him look like wax.

I really like how she doesn’t use euphemisms. She says it like it is.

This video was honestly life changing. I grew up with a MAJOR fear of death. Afraid of mom or dad dying, the dog dying, even myself dying. I wouldn’t sleep at night, afraid I’d die in my sleep. I would panic when my parents would go places by themselves, afraid they’d die and I wouldn’t know. The memory of seeing my dead grandpa in his casket at his funeral at age 7 was burned into my memory forever. This video makes me think of it in a different way. Why does death have to be so taboo? We all have to do it. So why not take it a little more lightly?

Some might think this is a bad comparison. But when I was little, my dog was put down and I really wanted to be there to say goodbye to him. But my mother, because SHE was afraid of death, didn't let me go. And I'll never stop imagining him on that cold metal table all alone. I should have been there. I won't ever again miss the chance to send a loved one, human or animal, on to the next life.

i lost my dad this last january. we found him in his bed 7 hours after he died. he was in rigor mortis and his body was cold. before the coroner came and took his body to the funeral home, i held his hand, hugged him, and kissed his cheek. the feeling of his skin not being warm was so odd but i was okay with it. i am more than beyond grateful he died peacefully and in a place he loved most (his bed😂). holding him was one way that brought me to the realization that he is gone. it brought me the peace i needed since i knew he was going to be cremated. my sister told me to watch caitlins videos and her videos helped me even more with coming to terms with his death. having final moments with the body of a loved one can help so much. EDIT: wow thank you all for the likes!

I love this speech. I'm Korean, and in when a funeral occurs my culture, the whole community gathers and gets involved. They stay up at night with the deceased family playing traditional card games and share meals with them. It gives an opportunity to share memories of the deceased, and help the family to heal. The Korean funeral has a lot of resemblance with a festival in some perspectives. I will be gone someday too, and hope my loved ones will remember me in this manner.

As odd as it may be, Caitlin actually helped me a lot. I found her videos shortly after my mom died. I was struggling a lot as I was only 11. I was depressed, had anxiety, even began self harming. But her videos gave me this weird comfort that helped me confront my loss and grief. They also of course helped me confront my own mortality as well as everyone else’s. Now I’m 16 and an aspiring mortician. I believe wholeheartedly in all of Caitlin’s ideas and aspire to be like her someday. I want to go to mortuary school, work in a traditional home for some years, and when I’m ready, open my own home like Undertaking LA. Maybe I’ll even name it Undertaking Chicago, if I decide to stay in the area lol. When I was in middle school I went to a grief support group that was offered there and I have been thinking of maybe wanting to go back there and tell some of the kids currently in it about this stuff. It’s never too early to think about this stuff, and it’s incredibly important to actually. I even did a speech about how natural burials and such are better than embalming for my speech class. I got an A+. I want to help educate people and help lead this revolution of death positivity as Caitlin is. It’s sad how we in the West let this rich culture of death be taken over by fear. It’s time for us to reclaim it.

This is super true. As a Native American, I’ve gone to tons of wakes. Instead of mourning the loss (which still happens, it’s ok), we celebrate the life of the person who died. Yes there’s an open casket sitting somewhere in the room, and you’re welcome to go and say hi or goodbye, but mostly it’s a bunch of family and friends gathered together, eating and celebrating the life that the person lived

When my boyfriend passed away in may , I was told I was weird for kissing him .... to me it wasn’t and it felt like something I had to do .. more people should watch this video and understand death is only another part of life it shouldn’t be made to feel this scary for people because it literally happens to everyone eventually.

In my mid twenties, I took my cat to the vet for the last time. It was so hard, but there were no treatment options and she was very old (over 20 yrs). When it was all over, my mom left the room, leaving me with my little kitty on a blanket on the vet's table. As she was leaving, I said, "I want to pick her up, but... what do I do?" I was scared, like that commenter said, that I would be fussing around with my dead cat like a crazy person and someone would call the psychiatric police on me or something. My mom said, "hold her in the blanket." So I did. Having a blanket there was somehow a barrier protecting me from the dead, saving me from looking weird, and making it OK to grieve. I told kitty that I was sorry and that I loved her and that I hoped that she could forgive me for this choice and why I thought it was right. Somehow I still needed to do it. 5 minutes ago I had been holding her with no blanket and that was fine. Why would a few minutes make me look crazy? And then something else happened as this was going on. I picked her up several times a day for more than two decades. And even though she had died, it felt the same to hold her. I guess what it meant was, all those years that I picked her up she was just relaxed. She didn't have to work or tense up or be uncomfortable when I carried her. It was just the way her body would naturally lean. And it made me realize that the time she was with me she was happy, and that was the important thing. And I never would have realized that if I didn't spend the time with her.

Caitlin's channel is called Ask A Mortician and she is an excellent educator, storyteller and content creator. She has changed the way I view death in a very positive way.

I really like this lady, I think she has a way to make something thought to be so dark and almost taboo, something worth talking about. And it’s about time someone did.

My dad died 13 years ago from lung cancer. He wanted to die in the hospital. I told my mom that I wanted to hold his hand as he passed, since he wasn't in the delivery room when I was born (1968). I am so glad I was able to do that for him and for me. Thank you Caitlin, for your videos and supporting those of us who do not see death as morbid but just as a part of life.

I wish I could be more open about death like this. It's my worst fear for myself and loved ones. But seeing this made me rethink seeing someone after they died to be able to have more closure, so thank you

Because of this video I was able to spend time with my son after he died in the hospital from ESRD. I was able to spend that time with his grieving friend. We bathed his body, spoke of our love of him, and discussed his pain, and scars of his tortured young life. Bless you, Caitlin, you gave me a gift and will never forget that bitter sweet moment.

My dad was the town barber and once in a while, the local funeral home would call him to shave and cut the hair of a deceased person. It never troubled him and he always felt honoured.

I am a hospice volunteer and the first time I was there when the client died I felt so as ease with the process of dying. We called the hospice nurse to confirm the death . Upon her arrival she asked me if I would like to take part in the "11th Hour". This is the process of getting the body ready for family viewing before we called the funeral home. The nurse was so caring and compassionate and talked to the corpse the whole time that she cleaned him, shaved him , combed his hair and dressed him. The wife and daughter were encouraged to partake in the process. I was at awe with the process and the dignity given to the corpse. Caitlin, loved you presentation. Thank you.

My baby boy Dakota died in my arms on Fathers day morning. He had a heart defect you see and after we brought him home after months of hospital and surgeries, he was hooked up to a heart monitor. Anyone who has dealt with heart monitors know that they go off randomly and all you have to do is check things out and then reset the alarm. This time I told my wife to go back to sleep, that I would check things out. This time it wasn't a false alarm. I rode in the ambulance with Dakota and was there at the emergency room. Later the doctor came to see us and told us that Cody had passed away. The nurses has swaddled him up in a blanket with a little beanie on his head and invited us as parents to come see him one last time. My wife didn't want to but I went to see him. The nurse pulled up a rocking chair for me and I sat and rocked my baby boy for a long while. To this day I'm so grateful for that chance to be with my son one last time. It really allowed me to start healing and move past the grief.

My grandmother used to sit with the dead at funeral homes. In Missouri, it was the law that corpses couldn't be left alone. So it was her job and she loved it. She'd visit with the family and talk to the corpse. She felt she had built a relationship with them. When she died, her best friend volunteered to be the one with her. I hope my children get that opportunity with me.

I do not fear the dead, I do not fear the corpse. But what I do fear, is the knowledge that the corpse was a human at some point, and now it is no more. I wonder what happened to the person spiritually. I wonder what will happen to me. This is where my thanatophobia comes from, not from the fear of dying, but from the unknowing of what happens after. I feel like becoming more familiar with the corpse will help me cope with the terror of true agnosticism.

My grandmother died in a front of me, hearing my last words. I closed her eyes. I was only 15. I saw her afterwards too. I helped her get washed together with 2 other women with soap and warm water, covering the private part and wraped her in white cloth, preparing her for the funeral. As a muslim, that is what we do.I wasnt afraid. Finaly i kissed her and left the washing room. Ill miss her forever ♡ Death is truth, as soon as u embrace it you will be more free in this life.

Being in the dry cleaning business from 1930 - 1995, my Grandfather & Father always cleaned, pressed and prepared a person's burial clothes at no charge to the family, and at any time during or outside of normal business hours. I always had a great admiration for that gesture.

While my grandma was alive I would cut dye and style her hair, when she got Alzheimer’s it was hard for her to do it for herself, so I would do it for her and it would always brighten her face when she saw the finished look! When she was dying I cut and brushed out her hair so she could look pretty for all the people coming to say goodbye to her. When she passed only immediate family were allowed to the viewing, then her funeral was immediately after, I asked a person at the funeral home if they had a hair brush, They gave me a brush, and I started brushing her hair, my grandmothers sister comes up to me and says, it’s a closed casket that isn’t necessary. I said I did her hair for her the last 5+ years, I’m doing this for me. So I can brush her hair one last time. People also rushed me when I was saying goodbye. It really irritated me. It was the hardest death I’ve had to go through. Everyone grieves differently and Mine was being involved in her death just like she said. It feels good that you took care of them all the way till they are put in the ground.

When you become accustomed to Caitlyn' s humour and delivery you know when to laugh and when she's serious This audience was hesitant but I don't blame.

We need to stop telling everyone that’s different than us to “see a psychiatrist.” It’s gotten really sick.

I absolutely adore Caitlyn’s RU-vid channel. She has a great way of making you comfortable with what is a very uncomfortable subject for many. I’ve been on a binge watching spree of her content lately and I’ve learned so much! And honestly she’s taught me more about death and everything surrounding it in a week than I’ve learned in my 31 years on this earth. Be nice to her people!

I love that she says, "Death is not an emergency."

The first corpse I saw was still alive when I got there. He'd been mortally wounded in a car accident and lived about 30 minutes before the ambulance arrived. I just held his hand as he lay there in tremendous pain and there was not a damn thing I could do to help him, accept try to comfort him with lies about being okay. I've heard people talk about wanting to watch someone die... You really don't. There is no pleasure in it whatsoever.

I was able to mother my son until he was cold. I cherish that moment. If I choose burial, I would have cherished being able to help dress him one last time. I don't think closure is the term I am seeking. Empowering is the term. Taking care of your loved one's body gives you a very unique chance to say goodbye.

Death is the one thing that terrifies me more than anything else. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that one day I will just be gone and I will never have a conscious thought again. A mixture between being a student nurse and watching Caitlin’s videos have helped me somewhat overcome that fear. I am a forever deathling

You are an inspiration.

In Jamaica we call wakes Nine nights where family members and friends come to eat food play games and celebrate the lives of whoever has passed.

Thank you for what you do, Caitlin. When I suddenly lost my husband to a motor vehicle accident, the funeral director, who had been a friend of ours, told me that he didn't recommend that I see his body, due to the length of time after autopsy (a smell), and the fact that his face was all scratched up. (He had also been severed at the waist, apparently, but I wouldn't have needed to see that). I went for months, if not years, not truly believing that he was dead, and even thinking that I saw him walking in public places at times. I often wondered if he had faked his death with his friend's assistance. For why? Any reason wasn't too far fetched. I don't know whether I would have been as horrified as he had said I would be, but I believe had I insisted that I see the body, I may not have had such a complicated and extended grieving process.

I bought my 21 year old daughter home after her best friend and sister helped me bath and dress her. She was home for three days and we celebrated her 21st party after the funeral service, held at home. We had fire works, a light display , live music and a birthday cake. On her 22nd birthday we sent to her grave with a a cake and balloons. This might not seem normal but neither is loosing our loved one at such a young age. She only spent about an hour at the funeral parlour. We even used my van to transport her to the cemetery and then everyone took turns at filling in the hole. It wasn't about saving money, it was about the process of seeing her off on her next journey.

I did this with my father as a way to honor him. I had him waked in our home for 4 days with around the clock viewing. Alot of people were shocked and even the funeral parlor director was telling me she didn't even know if it was legal. I said i'm paying for it so you will do as I say. I'm Native American and waking our dead in home is a traditional way of honoring our dead. I wouldn't have it any other way! R.i.p. daddy! 😢🙏❤

When my husband died, the people at the cremation company told me that I could keep him at home as long as I wanted. He died a little after 12 noon and stayed here at home till about 8 pm. There were a couple of people who came to visit him and say their goodbyes, and neither I nor anyone else felt weird having him still in our bed while we sat in the dining room recalling our wonderful memories of him...I even laid down with him for awhile before he was taken away. I did get another chance to see him before he was cremated and I was glad I did so. Every holiday and special occasion since he passed I still put out a plate for him when I make dinner so he can share the meal with me. I love you and everything you do Caitlin, you have really changed people's outlooks on death, and I've learned so much. As Leo Buscaglia once said "none of us gets out of this life alive", so we better get used to the idea of death.

Having been a part of Native American "wakes" I grew up comfortable with the thought of a dead person in the room. We watch over them, share stories about them, and eat in their stead. I liked that a lot more then somberly seeing someone dressed up in a casket.

This woman has inspired me so much in becoming so death positive and now, at 21, I’m an intern at a hospital/police morgue!

Thrilled to see Caitlin being able to reach a wider audience :) Hooray for the deathling community!

Extraordinary talk, Caitlin. I, too, feel very strongly about this. When I lost my 4 year old little boy, (almost 30 years ago), my now ex-husband's family kept me from even seeing my child after he died. I was only in my 20's, and completely a mess. They gave me Valium so "I wouldn't make a scene".I am now in my 50's, and gone through the mourning process many times- we all do-but this feeling of being stolen my last goodbye will always affect me.The dead deserve to be treated with love and fearless respect. Thank you for this video!Blessed Be.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Take care of the body in whatever way you prefer.

I worked as a cemetery groundskeeper for almost ten years. In that length of time, I dug more than a few graves -- even for a few loved ones. I never considered it to be "creepy" -- just awfully sad. I remember watching more than a few grieving folks during a graveside service. I wept with them. Spend as much time as you can with your loved ones. Time is short.

My last job was as a live-in companion for a woman on hospice care. She was asleep or unconscious her last day, I knew the end was soon. So I held her hand and said my goodbyes, telling her what a blessing it was to get to know her and how much I'd grown to love her. She was still breathing and still had a faint but discernable pulse when I went to bed. But I woke up suddenly at 4 AM, and went to check on her. I knew she was gone even before I reached her, but still checked her pulse and respiration to confirm. At this point, I was to call the hospice nurse. But I felt that could wait--it would make no difference for her if he came then or later, I felt I had one last service to perform. I lovingly cleaned her up first, for her dignity's sake, I owed her that. As I did so, I thought how this has been the women's task from time immemorial, a way of both mourning and paying respect to their beloved dead. It was my privilege to tend her through her last days and to provide her that one last service. It was one of the most intimate experiences of my life... She was not what one would call a "sweet" woman (though she could be sweet), she was an irascible spitfire! But I loved and respected her, and will always miss her.

Her dress has pockets!!!!

A few hours before my dad died, I suddenly had this strong urge to wash him, shave his beard, clip his nails and finally clean his mouth. He smelled good and his skin had the pinkish glow, which was in contrast to how he looked while in a hospital room. We realized he probably wanted to be where he was most comfortable in, in our own home. He took his last breath at 4:11pm, a few hours after we took him home. I am sure he heard us say our last goodbyes the whole time he was in a 2-day coma. Love and miss you Father dear♥♥♥

When my mom was at the end of her journey and battle with cancer, our hospice nurses and staff reminded our family that we could take all the time we needed with mom after she was gone. That it wasn't an emergency, and that we could call them whenever we were ready. After holding mom's hand as she took her last breaths, I stayed with her. When her nurse got there after we called, she asked if there was anything that we wanted to do. She and I, together, bathed mom one last time, and changed her clothes. I never in a million years would have thought that I could have the strength to do that, but it was actually such a perfect moment. It gave me just a few more moments to care for her, as she had cared for me my whole life. Our family came by to tell her goodbye one last time and her nurse sat with us for as long as we needed her there. I stood by as the staff came to take her body to the crematorium. They were so kind, and even took our request seriously to have mom's port (for her cancer treatments) removed before cremation. I am thankful for those last few hours that we got to allow us a sense of closure, and the hospice and funeral home staff for guiding us through her last weeks and days. Love you, Momma! Fly high!

As an ICU nurse, I see death often. It remains the greatest privilege for me to wash and prepare someone who has died before the undertakers collect him/her. I totally agree with this speaker and if anyone thinks that is "creepy", that's their loss.

Love this woman's shared insights. 18 years ago I received a call at 2 a.m. from my older brother saying, "Jon, it's about mom." I said, "What about mom?" For crying out loud, all he could say was "It's bad." I was so pissed at the lack of detail I slammed the phone down and called my mother's physician, who just happened to be with her, first thing that morning. He said her system was shutting down and it was only a matter of time. I asked, "Is she conscious?" and he said "Not at this time." I asked if he would put the phone by her ear and he complied. I said, "Mom, I love you and I want you to hang on if you can. I'm on my way." A nurse picked up the phone and said, "Thank you for doing that. I think she heard you because she tried to blink her eyes." I got in my car and drove the 1500 miles to get there as fast I could. When I got there the only other person there was her younger sister and mom had just 90 minutes left before the IC nurses declared her deceased. During that time I held her hand, gently stroked her hair and talked with her through her last breath. We'll never know what that meant to her but I can tell you the intimacy of sharing those last few moments as one of the closest people to my life slipped from life into physical death was one of the most peaceful, personal experiences I have ever had and gave me greater strength toward accepting the loss as my life moved forward. Yes, personal caring is a tremendous healer.

I was caring for my Grandmother at the end of her life. I came over every day and saw that all of her needs were met, I cleaned her house, prepared meals with and for her, and at the end of the day, I'd prepare everything for her night, and go home to my own house. I hadn't arrived yet when my father found her. The afternoon before, she had caught me on my way out, and told me not to come tomorrow. "Stay home, take the day off, spend time with your family," she said. "You *are* my family, Grandmother," I told her, "and I'll be here tomorrow." She told me to at least sleep in, come later than usual. So I did. I was on my way out the door when my father's number came up on my phone, and as I answered, his words were, "She's gone." I rushed over as quickly as I could, and the coroner was there, as was my father. The coroner said, "Just so that you understand, even if an ambulance had been here the second her heart stopped, she could not have been saved. You weren't too late. It was simply her time." She had lived with congestive heart failure for seventy years. When she was very young, while my grandfather was overseas during WWII, she had a very severe case of rheumatic fever, and it damaged her heart permanently. She was going on 89 when she died. She watched her diet and stayed active for as long as she could, and kept her heart beating far longer than many thought possible, but one day, it could no longer keep beating. She died in the bathroom, and the coroner said, "I'm just going to move her to the hallway, because I don't think she would want you to see her in the bathroom." I was already in shock to some degree, but was all the more staggered by his care for her dignity. He laid her down on the floor as I stood in the dining room where I couldn't see. My dad urged me not to look at her, saying, "You don't want to remember her like this." But that's not the way I felt. I needed to see her. I couldn't have explained why. But it felt like the seams of reality would come apart and everything would be sucked into a void if I didn't see her right away. The coroner asked my dad if he would step into the living room with him to answer some questions for his forms, and then he turned to me and said, "You can go in there and have a private moment to be with her. Take your time, and tell her goodbye." I was surprised that she just looked like she was sleeping. I didn't expect that. I know she hadn't been gone for long, but she looked so alive to me. I sat on the floor beside her and just wept for a minute. I told her I was sorry I hadn't been there, but that I had done as she asked. I brushed her wispy curls back from her face. I didn't know how much a person needed this until I actually had it. It was a way of putting a closing on our personal relationship. I had spent many hours with her over the years, one-on-one, talking and laughing, working on word puzzles in the newspaper, looking at gardening magazines. And now I had a moment, one-on-one, to say goodbye. To tell her what she meant to me. I don't know if that coroner has any idea how important what he did that day was to my life. I don't know how many coroners do what he did for me, but I hope they all learn the importance of doing it. I miss her so much, but I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had arrived and been told that I can't see her, to just go home, and if they had just whisked her away forever. I can't visit her grave. She was cremated, and then interred with my grandfather in a WWII memorial wall in Arlington. I'm disabled now, and can't easily travel, and one day I might be able to make the pilgrimage to visit their resting place, but that last moment was very much my connection to her in death.

I don't know why this video makes me feel so emotional. The message is almost beautiful and the sentiment absolutely is. I much prefer the idea of caring for the bodies of people you love instead of just carting them away. I remember being able to brush my dog and arrange her in her grave when she was bitten by a snake a few years ago and it was such a relief to have that closure. I think understanding and accepting the reality of death is so important.

When my Granda died, he was propped up, in his favorite chair with a drink in hand and tons of great stories were told about his life. It was an excellent departure

my momma didn't look Ike herself at all. she looked so fake, like a mannequin. they had her painted like a clown. I'm seriously not exaggerating. they put pink lipstick that was a shade duller than hot pink. they foundation was caked on and it was all flaky around her nose. her cheeks had bright pink circles of blush on her cheeks. I was furious. I made them take the make up off and do it with more natural colors. my sister and I fixed her hair. I painted her nails with a clear glossy coat of polish the way she loved her nails to be done. when we had her make up fixed she did look much better but still she looked like a wax mannequin. I miss my momma so much.

I half expected her to say "That's all for today, deathlings. Bust remember: Someday, you WILL die." Lol. Great speech Caitlin!

This made me realise one thing.. I still can't get over with the fact that my grandfather is dead.. He died on 9th Sept 2007.. I was told he was sleeping, but they didn't tell me he was not coming back.. I didn't shed a tear at his funeral.. And here I am now, 13 years later crying like he had just died.. I miss him so much 💔 On the other hand.. A friend of mine fought cancer for years.. And this year caught covid and died.. She has two sons 14 and 10.. They didn't even see her before she was cremated.. They only told them that their mum is in a better place.. Those kids don't have a closure.. At least I saw a dead body, but their mum was turned to ash.. They will never see her again... My soul hurts for them...

Not only is the funeral industry not interested in families reclaiming ownership of death, but as you indicated in your talk, many families would just as soon leave this task to professionals. It will take much crusading and a significant social shift to change, but thank you for initiating the conversation, Caitlin. I've followed your work for years and fully support your views.

I completely agree; we MUST take back death and dying in this country. No chemicals, no artifice, but a body enfolded by love returned to the warm earth after Spirit returns to its Creator.

10:40 and now im sobbing; i don't think i've ever seen caitlin get near emotional over speaking about death. i fully agree with her.

As an alzheimers dementia nurse I've held the hands of many of my residents as they passed..the first 4 or 5 were difficult n tearful..then I embraced the fact that they were truly at peace..I get this Caitlyn and I appreciate your philosophy on the topic👍✌💜😊

Eleven expensive funeral directors have thumbed this video down.

I'm going to make sure my final disposal is as uncomplicated as possible because nobody needs drama.

The first corpse I saw was in a wet lab when I was in massage school - you may wonder why a massage therapist needs to go to a wet lab, but all the diagrams and plastic models in the world can't compare with the experience of seeing ACTUAL human muscle sans skin. A lot of my classmates had problems being in the same room as the two bodies that were presented for us - but the way the lab assistants behaved in relation to the people just filled me with respect. They spoke to them like they were still with us. They pointed to the different muscles as though the people were life models. They reminded us that these individuals had donated their bodies to science and that because of them, we were going to be better massage therapists; it reminded us to be grateful to these generous and forward-thinking people instead of viewing them as just scary corpses. It completely removed the stigma and fear. I think when we try to separate ourselves from death - paying others to deal with death, as Caitlin put it - we subconsciously tell ourselves that it is something we need to run from. But when we do the opposite, when we face death, we lose our fear. :)

I was the last person to say goodbye to my maternal grandmother. She was suffering from glioblastoma, a particularly brutal tumor of the brain that was always terminal. Hospice care had been at our home for about a week or so and informed us she didn’t have long. So that night, I went in, held her hand, and told her that if she was ready to go, I was ready for her to go. My Gran had a track record of facing life-threatening disease and battling through them miraculously by her fierce devotion to caring for me and any other children in the family. She was our matriarch. She held out to the last to make sure I was okay. She passed around 1 AM that night. I was heartbroken, my one worry was that she was so physically incapacitated she and I didn’t have a proper farewell. But no worries. She couldn’t say goodbye to me in real life, but she took the time to do so in a dream a week after. Call it grief, call it a spirit visitation, I don’t care. I just call it closure.

she is so gorgeous, clever and funny :)

Fellow deathlings? Oh how I love how she spreads knowledge about death.

My Dad died in his sleep, in my home. I washed and dressed my him some hours after he died, before I called the coroner or anyone else, and I don't regret it.

5:03: About people talking to their dead, this is something my cousin does every time she brings flowers to her father (my uncle) in the cemetery in Granada, Spain. When we went there with her, she said: "See who I've brought you this time, dad? It's your nephew and niece and even your brother. Are you happy?" It was really sweet of her!

The last thing my papa said to me was "hold my hand while I do this, it brings me comfort- I love you" Then they put the CPAP machine back on him and got him ready for another emergency surgery. He died in the recovery room. I sat there and held his hand and watched my tears fall on his chest and arm. I held and patted his hand until my family forced me to go home.

I was with my best friend minutes before he died. I had never seen cancer take a life before, the hospital has pamphlets about death but it is not the same. the body was like a shell of him. it was not scary. I was scared to touch him though because I didnt know if the cancer hurt his skin or my touch would be painful. I felt sad to see him like that but so grateful to have as much time as I could with him. I kissed his forehead and it was cold. like his soul was already released. I just wanted to stay with him in that room holding his hand forever. the hardest part was knowing I would never see him again. rest in peace Kerry. I once told him, "Kerry, you are such a gentleman, a real old fashioned gentleman and that so nice to see these days.." he leaned over and with a twinkle in his eye he replied softly," I have my mother to thank for that!"

I love this woman’s channel. For anyone not familiar with it, it’s called Ask a Mortician, though judging by the comments, there aren’t many here who are unfamiliar with Caitlin’s channel.