The DIMMER patterns: How narcissists dim your sense of self and well being 

Narcissists target your self-esteem. They make you believe that it’s wrong for you to be who you are. So then you end up changing yourself to please them. Until you become a shell of who you used to be. And then they gaslight you into thinking that you made those changes on your own. And then they blame you.

They ruin your mental health and happiness. Helping others who are going through the same thing is very helpful for our well-being.

I just shared with someone that's becoming a church counselor and their response was, "complement him and make him feel super special because his behavior is due to very low self esteem". He's a very talented pianist and gets constant praise. I thought, how much more praise can he get?!!! Just another person completely invalidating all the wrong my husband is doing to me. The only person is my daughter, who has seen the extremely personable individual he is to outsiders, and how cruel he is to us. If it were not for her, i wouldn't be here to write this.

This woman is a lifesaver. You know I have been through a laundry list of situations in my life from, alcoholic parents, parental suicide, physical abuse and so much more leading all the way up to my kids and my heartless mother now involving her grandkids. Thank you for helping us and saving lives. You're an amazing soul.

Dr. Ramani, you have been that 1 person who has explained all the things about narcissism. You have saved my life. THANK YOU!

What do you get a narc that has everything? A new mirror.

This is so true! I’m now stuttering at the age of 55, having NEVER had a history of stuttering before. The cumulative stress is real.

Praying for everyone who's ever been through narcissistic abuse of any sorts - may the pain of your soul be healed forever and may you become so much of a bigger and more vibrant person that you're able to see & let of the narcissistic one as the tiny coward being that they are. You're truly much bigger than that. Peace 🍀❤️

THANK YOU, Dr. Ramani. You have been my main source of validation for years now. You need to know how much you and your work means to so many. You saved my life as well. ❤❤❤

What really hurts is friends of both people in the narcissist relationship tell the narcissist what you have told them in confidence. They really are not your friend!

Your question exposes the bane of my existence. I asked several people in the early years about his behavior I was told that I was the problem. It took a therapist to wake me up after 20 years. I’ll be forever grateful for her. I had to abandon the enablers. Though I guess they’d abandoned me long before.

No. I was surrounded by fake friends, enablers and flying monkeys. It turned out to be a blessing. I'm glad they revealed themselves.

Dr Ramani this video is so so powerful and I’m only 5 min in. Going forward I want to be that “one person” for as many women as possible. You are giving hope healing and vision

Dimmer reminded me of my own definition of my narc. Parents, bro, and relationships. I refer to myself as having dumbed down beneath the crazy behaviors of others. Whether to avoid conflict, avoid punishment, or keep the relationship, I would shut up, shut down, submit, and agree. Took me decades to understand and accept my perception and intelligence. Called a lazy hypochondriac my entire childhood, by parents who didn't care enough to believe me or research my pain and fatigue and horrible monthly periods, I was 23 before I heard the term fibromyalgia. And then it was decades before I was diagnosed. My parents shamed and punished me, and that gave shaming dismissive doctors and bosses and friends power over me. It took validating doctors to begin the process of helping me become self aware and self accepting. But that was only the beginning. It took decades, but now I'm able to recognize shaming invalidating comments immediately. They still hurt sometimes but not always!

My journal was my most validating person. I could write down what happened and it helped combat the gaslighting

Thank you... today i feel stronger because of your teachings. I am able not to suck up all the crap heaped on me and walk in a different direction without dragging along suitcases of pain. You are strong and blessed to be able to help us all. Gratitude.

NO! I DID NOT FEEL THAT I HAD ANYONE AS A VALIDATING VOICE!!!! when I was going through the abuse INCLUDING 4 THERAPISTS..... (Dr. Ram and some others on youTube are the only validating voices for me.... Thank you!!!!👍❤❤❤ (thinking back, ther was 1 therapist that told me once that, "she would never change" in a quick little after the session 2 second remark in the hall)...

Minimizing your medical/health needs while expecting you to cater to the narcky person’s health issues are REAL. Comparing their health issues to someone else’s are REAL. It can be subtle, but ALL conversations revert back to THEIR experiences, not the other person’s experiences. PS This minimizing tactic/behavior, IMHO, includes care taking of a dying elderly family member. These narky people think they know what you are going through without asking or talking to you about it. They just tell you because these narky people had a friend in hospice care, whom they visited once or twice a week, which made them think they are experts.

Dr Ramani, I love you and have never met you. You videos are saving me. It is a life line out of chaos.

My father swore at me today because I'm trying to get away from a narcissist, and he said I thought you had f----g finished with him last year. Sooooo hard work.

It took the pandemic and finding you on RU-vid … you were my one person to make sense of it all. Thanks Dr Ramini.

I had one friend who got it. I’m so grateful for him. And I love that he never pushed me to leave. During the divorce, when my ex reached new heights of aggression and antagonism, many people would tell me I had to be upset for one day and then move on. Not my one friend who got it. He would mirror what I was thinking and feeling. Empathy came naturally to him. What a gift!

Dr Ramani - I find the comment you made about domestic abusers always being narcissistic. I believe this. What scares me is how many survivors (including myself) aren’t getting the full help they need. I have had therapists who have no knowledge of what this type of personality is really like, therefore, can’t fully offer the proper guidance to these victims😓

As the permanent scapegoat of a very messed up family I completely agree about validation. I actually think validation from other people (but especially from loved ones and those in our family/social circle) is more important to human functioning and happiness than is generally acknowledged. To this day it feels like drinking a cold glass of water after wandering in a hot desert for hours just to have someone believe me, even on very minor points, and I still can't interact with family members without almost immediately being reminded that my thoughts and feelings are literally worthless to them. Not even worth listening to, let alone taking seriously. It would almost be comic if it wasn't real.

Your teachings are a blessing, thank you so much ❤ I am 20 and have been financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically abused by my narcissistic step mother for the last seven years. She has controlled my entire life and perception of reality. Just a couple days ago I left home, closed my bank account (that her name was on) and cancelled my debit card (that she held onto) Your video have been so helpful in understanding exactly what I went through and why. I can’t thank you enough ❤

Yep! I was suffering for years and ended up needing a liver and then a kidney transplant for a genetic disease. However, much was made of my narcissistic ex's wife, who had her gallbladder removed at the same time. Both of these adults were PhD. level health care professionals also. IT MADE NO DIFFERENCE. From these monsters I have suffered being persecuted with lies, financial abuse, cruelty, degradation, shaming, mocked, and neglected by my daughter, through my daughter, before and since then. For which I blamed her behavior on her father and stepmothers control and subjugation of her, thinking "parental alienation." Seventeen years have passed, and nothing has changed with her. I am just now accepting that she is narcissistic herself. Very, very painful to face. She was grandiose from a young age and lacked empathy for others. It feels like in trying to stay present, strong, stable, and loving, to be a good parent, I literally was made the filter for all the hate and malice being poured into our family system from the narcissistic abusers. And tossed aside. So grateful to Dr. Ramani for the sanity, courage, and intelligent care you speak to this evil. May we overcome

My father constantly told me to get over the death of my mother who died from cancer I was 10 years old. He also told me my severe peanut allergy was “in my head”. I don’t know if he had a narcissistic personality disorder but he was definitely a jerk and incompetent adult.

Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for all you do to educate people about this toxic trait! You brought my sanity back 2 years ago when I was having suicidal and self-harming thoughts. Because of what I learned from you, I finally understood what was happening in my marriage, understood finally that none of it was my fault, and knew that things were never going to change. I got my mind back. My reality back. My life back. I'm now officially divorced and living my best life with my kids in our own home. I can't thank you enough. I tell everyone to watch your videos when they tell me about the narcissistic behaviors that are affecting them and their mental health!! ❤❤❤ keep it up!! We need you!!

Great vid as always. I feel validation would reduce the initial trauma of toxic interactions. On non-empathy, I left a job because when a lifelong friend of mine ended his life and left behind his wife and babies, my boss got upset with my performance. When I told him what happened he was dumbfounded like "why would that even bother you?" Another coworker knows this boss and was appalled, mentioning boss is known to be an a-hole. Felt like a relief and took lots of pressure off.

Thank You for making this outstanding video. This is critical information. This kind of information should be reviewed multiple times until it gets past the psychological barriers that support ignorance, particularly for those who are in denial about the subject of narcissism, who love to constantly minimize and give the benefit of the doubt to the wolves in sheep's clothing.

Thank you Dr. R, you have such gifted helpful insight! You know, I think at some point in our healing journey, we recognize that this ludicrous competition the narcs have for control and attention for themselves is just sad. Sad and pathetic. Once you see it that way, you can't unsee it.

The best validation and support came from domestic abuse shelters and advocacy programs during my second divorce from a narc. I didn't leave sooner because I was in college and had a one-year-old daughter to care for. Once I got back to work, I was out of there. I needed support in grade school! No one ever asks, "What is causing depression in your life?" They just pass you a pill and send you back to your abuser. Who would believe me if I said, "My mother is trying to destroy me?"

No. But, I finally found a wonderful therapist who was a life saver!

Thank you Dr. Ramani. Narcissists and enablers actually want you to go get help with professionals. They have told me so in the past. Like you said, it just takes one or two people to help. It can be anyone, who really gets it or who has been through something similar. The healing process is a journey.

I have a new therapist ,she knows nothing about narc.so it is my responsibility to educate myself with doc Ramani. I dont say narc to my therapist I tell her about behaviors,she truly understand

You were my validating voice, Dr. Ramani.

My husband is just like me. We are amazing together because we get it. This channel also helps validate us. We love you!

Thank you, this has been really helpful. I feel so frustrated that his family don't seem to be acknowledging that it's abuse. They will say his behaviour is wrong but nobody was using the word abuse. Thanks for explaining the reason behind this.

“It only takes one.” - My 7 years married to a malignant narcissist became known by a friend I’d known for 17 years. He saw, he understood. He gave me the courage to get out. We have been together for 7 years and he is amazing.

This is so true. My ex has ALS. Our daughter just flew in for the weekend. My father is dying from cancer. He had beat his girlfriend up in front of our daughter and she had to go through trauma and court, not to EVEN mention what was done to me. He and his mother can still actively silence me, and minimize me. He doesn't even have a close relationship with his daughter, but does our grandchildren!

Thank God for my family and close friends because they were the ones that started talking to me about the minimalization of me from this individual

No. Two shrinks and none saw the patterns. The echo was,"It takes two to tango". Nice. You were my saviour.

You are that “one” for so Many of us! And we are forever grateful to your extensive detailed more then any other source or expert I have read or viewed content of . You are truly the leading narc abuse truther. I can only speak for myself but the validation you offer is truly redeeming and a major step towards recovery and getting out of the fog or haze for those of us who can. And you don’t demonize those who for many reasons cannot your compassion and kindness transcends the hurt and offers a new outlook and understanding to what happened to us. Thank you for being that “one” for so many of us!

Thank you for validating our experiences and how they traumatized us. Yes, even one validation would have helped. Not only were my narratives invalidated, friends even tried to validate the narcissist "he had a difficult childhood, have some compassion", "let it go, why are you ruminating about old fights?" "You cannot heal because you don't forgive, and that makes you bitter"....no, i cant heal because the damage is devastating to my health, career and finances. I Lost years of my life, years which could have been spent with a normal person. And he is still trying to harm me. It is best NOT to talk to anyone, even friends and family, unless you are absolutely sure that they are "safe", have enough empathy and wisdom.

Brilliant...you're helping save my mind. im a week in thanks doctor

Hi Dr. Ramani to answer your question: I did not have a personal validating voice to acknowledge what I was going through but watching your videos validated it for me. Thank you! ❤

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You saved me.❤

@10:10 When something bad happens to them, it is the end of the world, when something bad happens to you, it is also the end of the world, because they now supposedly have to take care of you, or listen to you, or comfort you and this is just too much for them right now!

He admitted a few times that if I did what he was doing he wouldn't stand for it. For instance, one day he was flirting outrageously with this woman and talking to me at the same time. And telling me to lighten up about it. I said to him "how would you like it if I was flirting with some guy while talking to you" and he said, "I wouldn't think twice, I would turn around and leave you and never come back."

Dr. Ramani - to quote you- "It takes one person" to help you see the effect narcissistic relationships have on a persons psyche and identity. You are that the "one person" who has shed significant light on this for me. Thank you so much! In 4 months, your you tube content has helped me more than 10 years of therapy. No disrespect to my therapists, but it seems that none of them have really understood the harm that narcissistic family/partner relationships can cause. I'm finally on the path to healing.

Absolutely no one to talk with. My best friend of over 30 years thought I was over reacting. I was devastated.

Dr. Ramani, thank you. You have been the validating voice of wisdom on the topic of narcissism. You have enlightened me and taught me as to the nuances of narcissism as I had no idea it is pervasive in our society. That the condition of it at its base core is the necessary vortex of supply.

100% true. My one person was my mom ❤ hearing Dr. Ramani reminds me of how I used to tell my mom that I felt like an old pick up truck. Useful; I would get my husband where he wanted to go and do a lot of work, but didn’t have much bluebook value. My husband’s dream was … a PhD in clinical psychology 😂🤦‍♀️. He said that behind every great man was a supportive wife. We both couldn’t have actual careers, but I could work jobs that I could take the kids to (since his time was too valuable to do menial things like housework or childcare.) Fast-forward: We are divorced. got my teaching License and taught for 17 years. He finally lost his Psychologist license (but not before doing a lot of damage to clients 😢)

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Your work helps so much! ❤

Thank You Dr Ramani with all my heart 💗🥰

I've had 3 experts, 2 of them believed the narcissist's lies, the other wrote to the narcissist and was probably paid to lie.

Thank you dr.R. Really thank you. I was so confused. You made me understand.

Yes… A friend of mine that was taking psychology courses… She showed me the pattern in my life and showed me that I was going absolutely nowhere with my narcissistic husband… She died recently, and my husband still hates her… He thinks she is the cause or our separation

You look stunning in red Dr Ramani! Thank you for this DIMMER lesson.

I was married to a narcissists for 20 yrs and my mom was a narcissistsas well. I ended up in therapy and the therapist told me to write journals. Every one of m.y journals were only about how bad of a person I was and that I shouldn't exist. It was a nightmare. I finally broke free 12 years ago. I'm still healing.

My first therapist validated my experiences and it really was enough for me to release it. Like a weight of my shoulders just to have someone listen and react in a healthy/normal way. Empowering.

Great collection on an ever present problem! 👍😎

22:50 Narcissist Signature Move I'm reminded of: Heath Ledger's Joker " you wanna know how i got these scars?" And he keeps changing his story ... Thanks Dr. Ramani ❤

"rather than using simple word "abuse" - exactly.

Thank you for saying this.

When I first began to understand narcissistic abuse, there was no one who consistently validated my experience. There has, however, been some intermittent validation over time.

My adoptive mother once compared her diabetes and being sick to a friend of hers that died recently of general cancer! The lady was dead and she made it all about her!!! All I said was, this lady suffered so much during her batter with cancer and she was saying 'I am far sicker than she was'. At the time I had no idea what a vulnerable narc was, it stuck with me as I couldn't believe who in their right mind would say something like this and be insulted, I had compassion for the dead lady. My mom was treated with white glove by everyone, my dad and me who changed her life and left university to be at her dying side... took 20 yrs for her to die at 99 yrs old!!! I then found out I was privately (bought) adopted and they were in their 50's when I was born. All lies telling me I was legit when I was asking and lying about their age too.

Hope you are in a better place soon. Minimising is part of my hell. I have no one to confide in, my brother who I was starting to tell has recently died. I’am getting talking therapy when they get in touch. Prayers

I had no validating person at all. They all thought I was bonkers

Without discussing my situation my cousin said she thought one sibling was a trouble-maker. That was enough to validate the cruelty I went through, even without telling my cousin my story. Before mother died, she said, "they were wrong"- and she knew her family better than anyone.

I have seen about ten therapists. Not one ever acknowledged that something had happened to me. The emphasis was on fixing me. I needed to change my thinking. I am sure I needed fixing, but I also needed to know how I got to be damaged in the first place. It was RU-vid that made me think it could have been the way i was raised that broke me. It had never crossed my mind before that that a toxic upbringing was where it started. After that I was able to start working on fixing me. I am not able to imagine another person like a therapist or relative validating me. I am not completely sure my assessment is right. It isn't easy to validate yourself.

This made me cry, because it’s all so true!

It does take only one person who believes you sometimes it takes one person who will be brave enough to walk away and that gives you the courage to walk away too

I was told for 30 years that I couldn’t do anything right and if I ever left, the person would unalive themselves and I would be sorry and lost. Then the person died after a long battle with cancer… a suffering that was used to justify the most horrific behaviors. After death, I was left not knowing how to feel, convinced I was only ok when the person was here and without them I was nothing.I believed that! It’s been ~5 years and I’m just now realizing what I like and what I’m capable of doing.

PS months later, got burnt out at work....recently told my parents...it was liberating but also confrontational...and I'm just wondering now, who's helpless really? Helplessness? "Ohw baby girl I'm so sorry for you. I cannot help you with this. " "I know, it's up to me to deal with it. Just be there for me." So, who's helpless really? The one in the nasty situation? Or the one that does not even ask if there's any way they might be helpful? At least she owned up to her inability to help...she never did well with understanding or allowing emotions or her daughter's needs or preferences. She already did enough helping me in raising me to be duped in other narc relationships.. In dutch we have a saying: You already helped me enough, to end up in the gutter. Luckily I found a good and understanding therapist now. To all survivors, please keep looking for that one gem, they're out there as well😘 💫🕊🐛💝🙏🏼💝🦋🕊💫

13:25 your story reminded me when my aunt called me while I was going through chemo to tell me she wished I was there to give her a massage because her neck hurts

Yes, my friend David and I'm lucky, he went through it with me.

I appreciate your sharing, Dr. Ramani, that the hardest part of your job, sometimes, is to simply sit with someone’s pain and not try and fix the individual.

I had a narcissistic, rage filled father. I married him to get away from home and my father. Guess what? He’s more abusive to me than my father. Been living in this hell for years now. He threatened to kill himself if I left him numerous times. Terrifying. And the rage, it appears so suddenly, I don’t even know why most of the time. I’ve observed his facial features and he’s demonic. I believe I’ve seen Satan in his eyes in those moments. He doesn’t look human when this happens. And then, the rage disappears just as suddenly. He never acknowledges his actions, just goes on as if nothing happened. And, he’s upset with me for being fearful and trembling. I simply don’t understand how his body and brain continues to function with all the hatred and anger boiling just under the surface. A normal person would have died years ago from a stroke or heart attack . Wow, I told more than I planned but I got it off my chest. Thanks Dr. Ramani you have helped me so much over the years, provided so much education and insight. I am doing better due to your help.

For the past 8 month i havent seen this narc. X wife.now i have to use what i learn because im seeing my kids for thous time apart.and for the first time what you said its true and its helping me in life.tq so much Doc.

Thank you so much for this video.

My wife after 14 years of marriage starting to see it with my mother. She also started to get attacked over the past 5 years since we moved 12.000 km away from my parents and started to experience malicious treatment because of it.

Absolutely true. My ex husband was a narcissist and life was like walking on eggshells. Violence, abuse lies, cheating , stealing, rage was almost a lifestyle.

Another way to minimize you is the method of questioning any information you present, be it a major subject or a train's time table. After very many years of living w a Narcissist partner , the regular response to any info. coming from me was "Oh perhaps" This, while his information was too often inaccurate to gaslighting. It took me years and years to learn to check every piece of info coming from him. I found this mode of behaviour very diminishing. Untill there was one "perhaps" too many, which led me to an instant NO CONTACT.

I had a witness to the manipulation of my first narcissist. She saw the whole game and all the manipulation and lies. She knew the narcissist was cheating on me. This was a trusted friend. She was someone who studied meditation with me and we had many common experiences. My female friend achieved a degree in psychology. But she betrayed me for the narcissist. She withheld her information. I now know I can't trust women. This is just one example of many. It has become acceptable in our culture for a female to be a predator on men. While this was happening I was protective of my female friend against male game players. Only when she met her husband did I allow myself to relax and hand over the protective role.

I dated a guy who acknowledged that my mother was abusive, and supported me. So I thought. It turned out he was the biggest narcissist I'd ever met. He just knew how to talk the talk.

Thank you Dr Ramani, you saved me.

Mine would always say he can’t control his behaviour because of his mental health issues but if I ever told him I’m not feeling well because I’m feeling anxious, he’d say I’m acting.

Shared w 2 friends via text. Amazing. Thank you. ❤

I was the validating voice. It was me…till it wasn’t. He dumped me the moment there was nothing left in me to fight.

And when you healed, those bstrds take credit.

I learned how to deal with my Narcis grown child,by watching your videos, very grateful for your easy to absorb info very helpful,but it's hard

The entire self help industry can be considered enabling for narcissists. "You can have a perfect, happy life if you buy my book." When we are still in pain and the advice didn't work, we feel guilty. Other times, enablers stop calling when you have a real crisis in life. They like to pretend that nothing is wrong. It seems easier.

Great timing! My landlady was just blame-shifting and minimizing my tenant-tenant dispute earlier! My cortisol levels shot way up!

Health minimization. As a minor, I had hives twice a year for a few weeks at a time, seasonal allergies. I was not given an antihistamine, until i got into college, and wanted to be able to wear shorts. I would scratch the hives at night in my sleep, which left big scratches and scars on my legs. I didnt wear shorts in public from the time i was school age, until i moved out of my childhood home. It took me awhile to figure out, but i can take Zyrtec without falling asleep. Idk why she wouldn't give me Benadryl before bed, though. I didnt know that was an option.

I must admit I wouldn’t listen. This was a childhood friend I was close to for 45 years. Once I moved away and found a much happier life, I gained some much needed perspective (mostly thanks to you my dear) I put it all together. Timing is often a seemingly miraculous thing. I put the hammer down. It’s been 8 years.

I agree, one person pointing out toxic patterns is enough. But if you are the one: make sure the narc doesn’t find out. Or you might end up being cut off or the center of a smear campaign.

I have a very good example of minimization and denial of reality/Pollyanna thinking: at a previous workplace, a colleague asked a Ukrainian how he was 'feeling' about the war in Ukraine. She wanted him to say that he was suffering from anxiety, depression, bla bla bla, which would have enabled her to suggest 'solutions' such as taking drugs or 'talking' to someone. Instead he started 'sharing' detailed facts about the progress of the Russian army, the counteroffensive by the Ukrainian army, and figures about towns and infrastructures which had been damaged or destroyed, people who had been displaced etc. The woman was looking at him, aghast, so he insisted: 'There is a war going on! People are getting killed!' She snapped at him 'Don't exaggerate!' then turned her back on him and walked away...

As per my narc ex, I was negative personality, depressed and problem seeking person anytime when I asked why behind any action he wanted me to understand. My normal critique or processing of pros and cons was taken as negativity. As per him Negativity was my personality and not behavior and therefore he was sick of my negativity. Now I look back and see anytime he wanted me to do shit and my natural instincts to question cropped up he made me feel dumb or distrusting. It continues post divorce also.. I felt like I had zero decision making capacity as I do not know anything.. be it choice of friends , choice of career or any other choice from dress up to anything else..

If all of their relationships ended “badly” and they are always the victim, run…run away right now if you can and don’t react or respond if they try to contact you. If you can’t get away from them, find someone who will listen to you and be a supportive friend who understands who you really are. You have to avoid their friends and family because they will all be turned against you.